Some days I feel like I’m drowning. Today is one of those days. I don’t feel like writing, working, running, and my favorite songs seem to have lost their melody. My rage has finally turned into sadness, complacency. I am trying to keep my head above water.
This last year with my son has been hell. I am afraid to answer my phone or door when his friends parents come calling. Over the past year there was a prank on another friend that went a little too far, a friend got past the school firewall and made his school computer into a gaming computer which resulted in suspended privileges, my previous honor student got mainly D’s and F’s. In the past couple of weeks it progressed to picking him up from a park just before getting into a fight with other boys, condoms, sleeping pills, his friend stealing cigarettes from a gas station that they smoked, and another friend buying pot from the middle school. My husband and I have been beside ourselves with anger. My husband’s rage spilling out like a fire breathing dragon. Mine bottled up inside devouring me from within. Maxed out on antacids, having to leave work for awhile to deal with nausea and stomach pain.
My husband and I have been too angry to even talk to each other without snapping. I feel completely alone. Although it seems like a lot of parents are having the same issues with their teenage sons. We have always been the leaders, the people that other people go to for advice. I am so happy that my daughters are overachievers. At least I don’t feel like a total parenting failure. I feel guilty for wanting to be an empty nester. Parenting teens is similar to poking yourself repeatedly in the eyeball with needles.
Then there is the matter of finances. Taxes due. A crown that was put off for years because of no dental insurance. The wisdom teeth extraction that insurance didn’t cover. School expenses. The list goes on and on. Our income varies so much that one day we will be ok and the next day we will not. My husband obsessively worries about finance, probably because he grew up poor. His mother was not good with money. She argued with us that her credit card was her money then got into credit card debt and asked us for money. Or a couple months back when she called crying saying she was the victim of identity theft because someone took out a large amount of money from her debit card at a casino. Turns out that someone was her.
But all is not lost. My husband and I will be flying out to Texas in a couple of days for business. Maybe it will be a good time to get away from the stress and reconnect. We will be seeing lots of friends there. Then we will be home for a day then heading across the state for my brother’s wedding. I probably won’t have a lot of time to write in the next week or so, but i just wanted to let you know that I am ok and not going anywhere, figuratively anyway.