Life; the good, the bad, the downright ugly

Things didn’t quite go as I planned this weekend as far as writing goes. I planned on writing another autism post. Friday night I read through the second diary. I’ll admit, it was a bit of a disappointment. It was written when I was between the ages of 13 and 17. It mostly contained stories of boys I liked and boyfriends. There is some material that I plan on using. But I have to wonder if I really spent a lot of my childhood trying not to notice the elephant in the room or was it just that abnormality was my normal reality. So I decided I am not going to hide from things anymore.

It has been a rough week. Paul and I are now firmly squished in the sandwich generation. It has been an adjustment. We found out this past week that his mother has terminal lung cancer. He took a couple of days off of work to run with her to appointments. Since we work together, I was able to cover for him as much as I could. Our employee’s mom had a stroke this past week so she only made it in to work one day. Then throw in a snow storm mid week and you have the perfect storm. Work was overwhelmingly busy on Friday. I told myself that if I worked as hard as I could that I would be able to leave the office at 6 PM. Later in the day, I found myself making more and more little mistakes. I felt a little guilty to be overwhelmed with work while the others in the office were dealing with serious parent issues. I also felt thankful of my parents good health. More than anything, I just wanted to get home. 

Paul spent the weekend with his mother. His step-dad didn’t take the news well. It was even harder for him because he just lost his first sibling to cancer last week. No problem, I can handle things at home or so I thought. I started yesterday morning off with an 18 mile run. I signed up for another marathon in May. The last couple of miles felt especially grueling. My feet and legs started cramping up. I had to break down and walk a half a mile. I finished my run around noon which is right around the time that my other problems started.

Jake and my son Alex stayed overnight Friday night at a friend’s house. Jake’s mom texted me asking for the other mom’s number. Immediately I knew there was a problem. I asked her what was wrong. Alex came home earlier that morning and went to bed saying that he was up all night gaming. Not too out of the norm. Jake’s mom said that her son was on something. He was having visual and auditory hallicinations. He was really out of it. There is nothing scarier for a parent. I woke up Alex. He was really tired with pupils that seemed to be larger than normal. I saw him like this a couple of times before and just dismissed it as being tired from staying up too late. Now I knew it was something more. But what??

I spent the next couple of hours on the phone and texting the other parents. We eventually found out that the boys took large doses of diphenhydramine which is basically a generic form of Benedryl. We have all found this OTC drug with our kids before and were naive enough to think that our kids were taking them because they were having trouble sleeping. When taken in large doses, it can make you high. Jake spent almost the whole day confused and hallucinating. He must have taken a large dose or it didn’t mix well with the other meds he was on. Then a fight erupted with the other two parents over where the drugs came from. This whole thing went on and on back and forth for hours. 

Before all of this happened, I promised Arabella that I would play a game with her. We had everything set up when I got a call from one of the parents. I had to tell her that we would play later. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t drop everything and play right now. She was upset with me. Then we tried to play again after the call with Alex too. Alex and Arabella got in a big fight. Game cards and pieces were strewn across the table. We never did play that game. I sat in my room for awhile in complete physical and emotional exhaustion. It took everything that I had to make supper and clean up afterwards. 

As I sit here I have to wonder, will my son be okay? I expected maybe to find out someday that my teens were sneaking alcohol behind our backs. But drugs? The other two boys are in a lot more trouble. I found out that the one boy got expelled from school, not to be homeschooled as he told us. The other friend is facing disorderly conduct charges as a 14 year old. It is not like we can separate them easily. They live a few houses down from us. All is takes is for both sets of parents to be gone at the same time. Maybe this will all pass. It is a terrible feeling to know that I can’t trust my son anymore. I will worry every time that I leave the house.

Sorry to be such a downer lately. I want to share what life is really like. The good, the bad, the downright ugly. Sometimes it just gets really ugly. I will be fine. I will get through this. Sometimes parenting can be really hard. 

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