Month: November 2023

The last of November

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

It’s hard to believe it’s been a whole week since Thanksgiving came and went.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. Angel came home for a couple days while her husband was hunting. She had Wednesday off of work and came along with Paul and I while we volunteered helping families in need. Thanksgiving morning Paul and Angel got up early to run a local race. Then we had friends and family over for the evening meal. Everyone was on their best behavior. No drama, and almost everyone offered to help me with the cooking and clean up afterwards.

No one stayed really late as some of the guests had to work the next morning. Paul, Angel, and I went to listen to some of Alex’s new music he created for school. We had a great time talking and visiting. Arabella wasn’t very involved in the family celebration. While we were visiting later that evening, Arabella went out to meet someone from an online dating site. The guy told her he had to go to the ER. She drove an hour and sat outside the hospital for hours, then finally came home. The guy said he was sorry and wanted her account info so he could send her money for having to wait. Then Arabella came home and ate the rest of the deviled eggs I made, around a dozen which upset the rest of us. She tried to meet up closer to home with the guy the next day, but he did the same thing again making her wait. Once she said she wasn’t going to wait any longer, the guy ghosted her. She figured it was a scam and thankfully didn’t give out any of her account info. But it did cost her time with her family.

Friday morning Paul, Angel, Alex, and I went Christmas tree shopping at a nearby tree farm. Arabella didn’t want to get up early to go with. We had a great time anyway. It’s wonderful to have adult children in the area who still want to have family time even though they are all grown up. Angel had to leave shortly after we got back, but Alex stayed all day and hung out. After his girlfriend got done with work, we decorated the trees. We got two trees, one a traditional tree and one was a sparkly purple tree. Thankfully our new pets don’t seem too terribly interested.

Saturday was when things took a turn for me. I was so exhausted I had to take an hour nap in the morning and another hour nap in the afternoon. Everything seemed so perfect that it was such a letdown when it was over. I became irritable and there was some fighting, and crying on my part. Then I went to bed an hour early and slept 9 hours which is very unlike me. I thought something was wrong and was convinced it was the medicine I’m taking. The next day it was the same thing, napping in the morning and afternoon.

By the evening, I was in full blown PTSD. I was having flashbacks to childhood and feeling terror and fear towards my dad. I was so scared I wanted my grandma, but my mom wouldn’t let me go. My eyes darted back and forth and I cried a lot. These attacks don’t happen very often, but I felt very similar to when I was having the pseudo seizures earlier this year. I did some research and it seems it is not uncommon for people to struggle with both PTSD and pseudo seizures.

I think I was triggered by several things. First, it was the anniversary of when my daughter found child porn on my dad’s computer. It was the beginning of one of the darkest periods in my adult life. Two months after that was Arabella’s first suicide attempt and her descent into serious mental illness. I was reading a book about Borderline and was irritated she didn’t make the effort to spend time with family. Second, there is a commercial where a Santa character looks exactly like my dad. I even saw it yesterday while I was getting gas at the gas station. Apparently, it’s unavoidable.

I am feeling much better now. It usually lasts two days and then it goes away. This was the first time Paul sat with me through an episode.

What’s happening – 11/15/23 (Legacy)

/ Outrunning my demons / 2 Comments

Today we enjoyed an unseasonably warm fall day to take the puppies for a walk. This morning I had my lab appointment for a blood draw for my annual physical tomorrow. I’m not expecting any surprises. The pool guys also came out this morning to check out the problem with the hot tub. They couldn’t do diagnostics on the problem because our equipment is 30 years old. We will most likely have to update the control panel which now controls everything including the lights and audio system from a cell phone. Right now the sound system is ancient and works erratically. Half the lights are burnt out. We have some really nice outdated and expensive to update equipment. Yeah!

Several days ago, Arabella woke us up in the middle of the night knocking on our bedroom door. One of the switches broke in the bathroom she uses. When she flipped the switch, the bathroom fan did not go off, and smoke started coming out of the switch. We had another switch a couple years back that burned the plastic and a kitchen light that continuously flickers like a strobe light. I’m not sure about the wiring in this house. I really wish I would’ve seen our house in its youth.

Last week my therapist said I was starting my second half of life. Much like my house, I still wish I was in my glory days. I got old too fast. I never pictured myself being old. Why is it when you are going through something, you think it will always be that way? I always imagined myself remaining young and healthy. I never thought my vision and hearing would start to go.

I took good care of myself and never thought my health would decline as much as it did. I thought I would be running forever. I never thought my brawn would be gone. When things I used to do with ease now take so much energy I don’t seem to have.

Once voted by my senior class to most likely be a supermodel, I never thought my beauty would fade. I never thought my figure would slip. Yesterday I was talking to someone close to my age asking if I remembered when I was skinny but thought I was fat. Back when I was so self-conscious of my body not realizing I was going through the best looking years of my life.

Reminiscing about rotary phones because they worked so much better. Remembering the phone number of a relative that died 20 years ago but not knowing my kid’s cell numbers. Remembering trips to the library to glean every little bit of knowledge. Thinking useless thoughts like remembering when stores announced over the speakers that so and so with license plate number XXX-XXXX left their lights on. Complaining about how easy kids nowadays have it. Wanting to sit while the younger folks stand. Wishing I could just hold a baby in my arms again.

As I feel the end of autumn approaching, I know I’ve had my years in the sun. I was once young and beautiful. I went to college and had a career. I raised my children. I accomplished the goals I set out to do, such as run a marathon. A lot of things already happened in my life, some of my choosing and some just the twists and turns of life.

Now I have wisdom and experience. My therapist also said I have time and financial security, something I didn’t have a lot of before. Then I had responsibilities. Now I just have to worry about me. The second half of life doesn’t have to be the same as the first half of life to be fulfilling. Like my husband said, I don’t have to climb the mountain to see the mountain. Although there is sadness leaving behind the younger me, I can’t stay stuck in the past. Just my personality, I love thinking about the past and following traditions.

This past week my husband said not to focus too much on the past but now is the time to think of the legacy I want to leave. I think his words were very inspirational to me. What do I want to pass on to future generations?

This afternoon Angel and Dan returned home from their 1st anniversary trip to St. Lucia. I suggested the location and gave them advice on where to go and what to do. My husband and I visited the beautiful island 10 years ago. It was amazing to see their photos from some of the same locations we had photos taken. At age 25, they look so young, vibrant, and full of life. It felt good to help guide them using my experiences. Angel is also planning on running her first marathon next year. It feels wonderful that she is following in my foot steps.

This week I’m thinking how I can do my part to leave this world a better place by leaving a legacy worth passing down.

What’s happening this week – 11/9/23

/ Outrunning my demons / 2 Comments

Hello! I think this time of year is always one of the hardest thinking of the winter ahead. I can no longer trick myself into thinking it is summer because the warm days are gone along with the healthy summer glow. With the time change, the skies are dark at 5 PM. All I want to do is sleep or eat like I’m preparing my body for hibernation.

I haven’t been feeling the best either. Some days I can really tell I have an ulcer with the stomach upset and nausea. The last several days have been cool and rainy. My joints ached like crazy. My whole body seemed locked down in pain and I just felt tired and crabby. It’s hard to believe the weather can affect how I feel physically. It doesn’t seem logical. There is still a mourning process to everything. Five years ago I ran a 50k. Now there are some days where walking up the steps feels like climbing a mountain. The whole experience has really humbled and changed me.

This week has seen it’s fair share of problems. This past weekend, the hot tub stopped working. The jets made a clicking sound and turned on and off by themselves. It sounded like the motor was going to burn out. I haven’t been able to find someone to fix it yet. One evening Paul and I came home to a strange noise downstairs to find water shooting out of the back pipe of the toilet. Several rooms were flooded including Arabella’s bedroom. At least it was clean water and it wasn’t from the leak Paul fixed a couple weeks ago. One of the dogs has a red swollen eye. I’m hoping it’s nothing serious. Best case scenario is the cat got him and he will learn his lesson about chasing cats. I don’t want to think what worse case scenario is. This morning I caught the dogs pulling stinky algae encrusted dead leaves out of the stagnant water of our decorative pond, fighting over them, and then gouging them down. Gross!

Arabella finally was able to get back on her health insurance and went in for a check up to get some of her medications reissued. She has been coughing quite a bit lately. I’ve been jokingly telling her she needs to quit smoking. Turns out she ended up testing positive for strep. I’m not surprised she started a new restaurant job and is sick already.

Angel and Dan left earlier this week for their honeymoon/anniversary trip to St. Lucia. It sounds like they are having a wonderful time. I was the one who suggested the location since it’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever been. I was able to give them a lot of tips and ideas about travelling and what to see while they are there. Paul and I are very jealous and long to be in the Caribbean sun right about now. I’m really happy for them they can experience travelling while they are young and carefree.

Because of my health, I’m fearful of the best travelling years window starting to close. It happened so much faster than I was ever expecting. My husband said the other day instead of climbing mountains, we can still view them. There is some truth to that.

This week I started writing my memoir again. I am a lot further along then I thought I was. I probably only have a couple weeks left until the writing is finished and the editing begins. I am excited about this. But what happens after? I would like to keep writing but don’t have any more big goals.

What’s happening-November 1, 2023

/ Outrunning my demons / 1 Comment

It’s hard to believe November is here already. This morning we broke down and turned on the heat. Yesterday we received our first snowfall of the season. Not the best day to go trick or treating. Not that I worry about it anymore. The kids have grown and we live in an area, although I bought candy and turned on the lights for two years in a row, no one knocks upon the door. This year I did not buy candy and instead volunteered at the cat shelter. Today I finished my yard work. For the life of me, I don’t know why I waited this long.

Yesterday I had my GI follow up appointment. Turns out I do have an ulcer. My colonoscopy results were not normal either this time and back in 2020. They are not sure what is wrong but think I might be in the early stages of ulcerative colitis. For now they put me on acid reducing medication and I have to follow up in January to do another endoscopy to see if the ulcer is gone. I know I’ve had ulcers before because I’ve had this pain several other times in my life. Once was during childhood. I pretty much quit eating because my stomach hurt so bad. My parents threatened to take me to the doctor but never did. Once was right before I did a marathon.

I’m thankful to have a vigilant doctor. Sometimes I worry that it is all in my head like the seizures I was having. I have to be less hard on myself when my body is less than perfect.

I’m planning on hunkering down and writing more starting next week. I always worry about what I am going to do once I finish my book. But life has a funny way of giving me more to write about.