Month: July 2024

Safe for now

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I feel like I got my daughter back. The daughter I had before everything started. Before the suicide attempts, the cutting, sneaking out late at night to meet up with strangers, the delusions, the depression, the mania, hospitalizations, jail, and all the other struggles I’ve been writing about the past 4+ years. We are getting along better than we have before.

Everything changed once she was on the right medication. At her last hospitalization, they put her on a mega dose of the powerful anti-psychotic Haldol. The doctor has been slowly trying to taper her off the medication. In the beginning her doctor also put her on Lithium as a mood stabilizer. She has been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder which is a mix of schizophrenia and bipolar. After several months, her doctor tried to take her off of Lithium thinking an anti-psychotic would be enough to manage her symptoms. After a week off of Lithium, she started to hear voices telling her to kill herself. Thankfully she communicated what was happening to her with me. I called the doctor’s office and they put her back on Lithium. Once again she was stable.

At the last appointment, the doctor tried to reduce her Haldol. He wants her off of the medication altogether. I asked the doctor if the hospital made a mistake by putting her on Haldol in the first place. He said when Arabella was admitted to the hospital she was very, very psychotic. If a psychiatrist says that it must mean a lot more than usual. They had her on ten times the average dose. That’s why when we visited her in the hospital, we were traumatized to see her because she was shaking and couldn’t talk right. Her jaw was tremoring and her words were slurred. They put her on another medication for side effects of Haldol and that caused her to have vision changes.

At the last appointment, the doctor tried to taper Arabella down to a high dose within the normal range. She didn’t respond well. She started to have intrusive violent thoughts. He decided to put her back on her dose previous to her last appointment. And once again, she is stable and enjoyable to be around. If it was up to me right now, I would like to keep her on the medication she is on now for the rest of her life. But the doctor said that after being on Haldol long term she will very likely have irreversible side effects similar to the ones she had before on the mega high dose. By age 30, the medication that is saving her now will cause her to be physically disabled by her condition.

Is it worth it? We might not have another choice. The doctor said it’s going to be a very long process to get her where she needs to be. But as for right now, it’s wonderful to have my daughter back.

Birthdays galore

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I survived my 50th birthday weekend!!

And what a weekend it was too! I had a three day birthday party bash. It was more of an open house concept which worked really well. Friday night was the big night as I had my son’s band play. The weather was perfect. Saturday I hosted a 70’s costume party. Sunday I hosted a murder mystery party. In lieu of gifts, I asked for donations for two of my favorite charities. The last thing I wanted was a whole bunch of gag gifts like my husband got for his 50th.

Friends and family stopped in when they were available. By Sunday, on my actual birthday, everything was pretty low key. But it didn’t end there. The following day was Lexi’s (my son’s girlfriend) 25th birthday, so we celebrated that too. She wanted everyone to dress goth style which was a lot of fun. Although my son and husband did not want to wear manscara or guy liner. Party poopers! LOL.

But it didn’t end there.. Last weekend was Angel’s birthday. Next week is our wedding anniversary, then afterwards we will be celebrating my son and my mom’s birthday. There is a season for everything. I’ll take a time of celebration over sorrow any day.

Time flies

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Time somehow has a mystical way of slipping through the hour glass. I’ve been thinking about that concept a lot as I am spending the last few days left in my 40’s. Fifty seems old to me. The beginning of the end. The end of the beginning. I never pictured myself growing old. I have some regrets. Not so much for the things I’ve done, but for the things I didn’t do early enough.

I sacrificed my childhood and young adult years worrying about adult problems that really weren’t mine to bear. Childhood was never fun, magical, or carefree. I don’t have good memories to tide me over on the hard days. I had to think for a very long time to come up with one good memory. My good memory of childhood was playing badminton in our yard with my parents and brothers.

I didn’t feel like I had the freedom to live my own life. My mom didn’t want me to leave. She wanted me to stay close by because she needed me. I didn’t realize what I was giving up. I went to the college closest to home. I studied psychology in hopes of becoming a counselor. Then I would be able to SAVE my family from their dysfunction. I could FIX them. I was young enough to think my education would change things. Being a caregiver was what I was good at. I was the 6-year-old who was watching her younger brothers in the lake by herself after all.

I was too stupid and worthless to try other things. That’s what my dad said anyway. My mom said if I tried new things I wouldn’t be perfect and would fail. I totally lacked confidence and self-esteem. I did have other interests such as music, genetics, microbiology, library science, and probation and parole. Some of those programs weren’t offered at the local college. I didn’t even try out the choir because I wouldn’t be good enough.

Fast forward another three decades. My family of origin is just as dysfunctional as it always was. Somehow at times it still is surprising to me because I don’t know how anybody could stand to live that way.

I don’t regret the family I have now. I didn’t waste a lot of my young years in a bad marriage. I love my kids. My husband and I met because we lived in the same apartment building when I was going to college. The good things in my life happened because I stayed close to home. Or maybe it was just the choices I made.

Most young folks stay near/at home for their parents help, not to help their parents. Sometimes I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I left home sooner. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to live your own life guilt free. It’s not your job to rescue your parents. You don’t have the power to fix them. It’s hard enough to change the things you don’t like about yourself.

Time flies.