Month: October 2024

My daughter’s first marathon

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Just a follow up from a couple weeks ago, my daughter Angel finished her first marathon. She did an amazing job and I’m proud of her. I am joyful that she achieved her goal.

I experienced a wide array of emotions on marathon day. First of all, pride. Angel was training for the big day for months. She was very disciplined and serious about her training, at times turning down fun activities that interfered with her training schedule. She avoided all alcohol. She counted calories; making sure she was eating enough which properly fueled her body and gave her strength. She thinks that is where I went wrong when I was training. I ate when I was hungry and didn’t eat when I wasn’t.

I felt a lot of anxiety for her during the training process. I feared injury, but mainly I feared she would be victimized as a beautiful young woman running alone on long, lonely trails and through sketchy neighborhoods. I feared she could be hit by careless drivers which almost happened to both her and me.

I felt relief in the dream lived. I already completed multiple marathons and finished that goal. It was not something I always wanted to do but never achieved. I have no regrets except that that part of my life is over.

I felt sadness, especially when I saw mothers and daughters crossing the finish line together. I wanted to be that mom. I wanted that to be us. Angel and I did run a few of the same races. She was just beginning as I was coming to an end.

I felt envious of all the support she received from family and friends. Most of the time, and for my first marathon, my only spectator was my husband. He was an amazing support person. Some of Angel’s friends drove for hours to see her cross the finish line. It’s a reminder of what I didn’t have. I never received the support of my parents, although I used that to be the parent I always wanted for my children. It’s a part of giving what you don’t have, but knowing what you would’ve wanted to create something wonderful out of nothing worth passing down to the next generation.

I miss feeling young, strong, and important. I received a lot of attention for my accomplishments. Now I’m just a has been with a collection of medals hanging on the wall. It shows where I was and where I now am. I’ve come to accept that and have moved on to new dreams and goals.

I feel satisfaction that my daughter decided to follow in my footsteps. She finished her first marathon in her 20’s whereas I was in my 40’s. I am excited to see where she will go with this. It’s exciting to be a part of what inspired her. In some ways, through her, I am still experiencing it. Being a spectator is more difficult than I expected. The path of a participant is clearly marked. But as a spectator, it is not clear about where to go or when they will be there. The tracking app was not working for the marathon so we had to wing it. Then there were closed roads down unfamiliar streets. Marathon traffic. Finding a place to park. An inability to find bathrooms or food/drinks. Long walks carrying lawn chairs.

I miss the lifestyle and comradery of the running community. I miss the friendships strengthened and formed over a common passion. Those were the best years of my life. Overall, I’m happy my daughter decided to choose the same path I did. She is able to carry on some of the goodness in me.

Breaking up

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It happened on Saturday night a few minutes before the band went up to play. Having another commitment, I didn’t show up until the band was halfway through playing. My son played magnificently, better than I’ve ever heard him play. Afterwards, I told Alex to do whatever he did differently every time because he did an amazing job.

He said funny I should say that because right before the band started playing, his friend called to say he saw his girlfriend with another guy. Lexi ran off to the bathroom when she was caught while Alex’s friend talked to the guy. Apparently Lexi has been going out with this other guy for 4 months. We were shocked. Alex and Lexi were together over three years. She was like a part of our family, and one of Arabella’s best friends.

My son was upset over the betrayal and wanted to smash all her things. Thankfully a friend stayed with him that evening to talk him out of doing anything rash. Sunday night Alex texted to say Lexi was over to pick up her things if we wanted to say good-bye. I went over first and told Paul he should be there to make sure everything was alright. Alex was filled with rage and was screaming at Lexi. For the most part, Lexi was quiet and didn’t look at us. Sometimes she cried or yelled back. It was the worst break up we witnessed. I tried to stay out of the fighting. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, but it was a little too late for that.

Lexi threw most of her things in garbage bags. Outside the drought had ended in a pouring rain. It was a blustery evening, a reflection of our emotions. Arabella came over after work, and I cautioned her that although she wanted to say bye it might not be the best thing for her. But she wanted to anyway. My stress level was through the roof. We were all in a state of sadness, grief, anger, shock, and anxiety. Arabella was crying. The fighting seemed like it would never end.

But then it did end as Lexi packed everything that was hers in her vehicle and drove away. I thought maybe she was the one. But that dream is gone and there is just an emptiness in the space she once occupied in our hearts. Arabella has been crying every day. She was a friend, a best friend who painted with her and went to the movies together. I worry about her. The day before everything happened she started going through another medication change.

Alex has been unreachable. He doesn’t want to talk to me about it beyond the anger. I worry about him. Things ended badly. It’s going to take some time to get through this. It was so unexpected. Lexi has a lot of issues, and I keep telling myself there is someone better out there for him.

Handing over the baton

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A little over a month ago, I spent two full days in Wisconsin Dells at the waterparks. I told you about the trip, but I don’t think I mentioned how much pain I was in. After two full days of walking, I could barely walk. My foot was hurting a lot. I never really noticed how inactive I’ve gotten until I had to be active. So many times I chalked up my foot pain to bunions, arthritis, and fibromyalgia. But this time I felt something was really wrong because one foot was hurting much more than the other.

The following day I reached out to my doctor to get an appointment with a podiatrist. They questioned why I wanted a referral. I told them that I was still having foot pain like I mentioned at my last physical in November when they took X-rays of my foot. At the time, my doctor couldn’t find anything that would cause a lot of pain. It took me a month to get an appointment with the foot doctor.

By the time I got to my appointment, I was feeling a lot better. But I went in for another set of X-rays and waited over an hour to see the doctor who was behind schedule. I thought perhaps I was wasting his time. When the doctor came in, he told me I had a stress fracture. What??!?? How did that happen? I was going to have to wear a boot for 6 weeks and then come in for more X-rays to see if it was healing properly.

I have no idea how I fractured my foot. My feet started hurting when I was running long distance training for a 50k. But that was years ago. And aren’t your feet supposed to hurt if you are running 30 miles on them? The only other thing I could remember happening was having a large water bottle fall onto my foot. But again, that was years ago. How did I have a fractured foot and not even know about it?

It’s been 3 years since I ran. Gradually I stopped going on walks too because it hurt and I was having GI issues. I went from thinking I was wasting the doctor’s time to being angry with myself for not going in sooner. Hopefully now it will finally be able to heal and I can get on with life.

I stopped running right after Angel moved back home and started running. We enjoyed running together for several months. This weekend she will be running her first marathon and I will be supporting her every step of the way. I was instrumental in starting the fire that ignited her passion, and now I will be handing over the baton.