Author: Outrunning my demons

The most wonderful time of the year?

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year, or is it?

Just like everyone else, I’m getting into the hustle and bustle of the busiest time of year. I’m hosting 4 parties over the holiday season. I don’t really mind the decorating, the cleaning, set up, take down, or cooking all that much. As much of a planner and how organized I am, sometimes I don’t want to do all the planning. I don’t enjoy the menu planning anymore. It’s a ton of work trying to keep in mind everyone’s dietary restrictions and preferences.

Overall, Thanksgiving went well. But try as I might, I couldn’t get the menu right. Several people are gluten and dairy free. I tried to improvise by using dairy free butter and almond milk for the mashed potatoes versus regular butter and milk. But I found out that several people were almond free too. I had to set aside some plain potatoes for my brother Matt. My mom was constantly reminding me to set some aside for him. I was so annoyed as I had several foods I was preparing at once. She wanted me to mash his separately. I made sure at least one turkey was gluten free, as I had a regular and a smoked. Then I found out Paul’s step-dad’s fiancée couldn’t have turkey. Thankfully she brought some of her own food along to make it easier. But she ate something my mom brought which wasn’t GF and my mom didn’t tell her until she was almost done eating it.

The holidays are difficult in other ways. To me it’s a constant reminder of broken relationships and dysfunctional family members. This year my oldest two kids are not on speaking terms which is hard on me. There is a lot of strife with other family members. My dad is not a part of things because he is a horrible person. I think we all just do our best to tolerate each other which is not how family should be.

My mom’s cognitive functioning has greatly declined. Thankfully I have an appointment in the books for the end of February to see what is going on. It took months on the waiting list just to be able to schedule the appointment. I’m hoping she can hang on until then. I’ve been getting concerned calls from family and friends of my mom. My mom’s friend told me my mom went in the ditch at her house. As she was leaving, she drove across the lawn and into a deep ditch. She also said my mom didn’t even look before pulling out from a stop sign in front of somebody and they almost got hit. She said my mom was no longer a safe driver. She also said my mom needed to stop babying my disabled brother and my dad needed to get off the couch. The last two have been issues since I can remember.

I am hoping to sit down with my brothers over Christmas to discuss the care of our parents and disabled brother. I don’t want to be the only one making these calls and having all the responsibilities. I’m sure they would be willing to help, but they live further away and we don’t see each other often.

Other than that, I have most of my shopping done. My husband, our kids, and their significant others all made Amazon lists which made things really easy. So far everything went good with Arabella’s boyfriend meeting the family. By the end of the year, he will have met pretty much everyone. It’s so awkward to start dating someone right before the holidays. We like him, and he is absolutely crazy about Arabella. She is going through some major medication changes and she is responding well. Earlier in the year, I never would’ve guessed we would be at the point we are at today.

It will be interesting to see what the new year brings.

November happenings

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It’s hard to believe November is half over already. Soon we’ll be entering the holiday season and just like that another year will slip away.

Change seems to be the only thing that is consistent in my life.

Angel and Dan just bought a camper. Soon Dan’s job will be taking him to the East coast for half a year. Angel will be joining him and working remotely out of the camper. It’s going to be very strange without them living 20 minutes away. I’m going to miss them so much, but what a grand adventure.

Alex joined another band, a bigger name band that just released an album, and is possibly touring the West coast next summer. We went to see his band and for the first time we had to pay to watch him perform. The venue was crowded. It’s exciting to see where this new adventure might take him as well.

Arabella’s medication change is working out well for her. She is less like a zombie and more like the person we knew before. She is putting herself out there more and just recently started dating someone new. We met her new boyfriend already and so far so good.

My mom’s memory issues are getting worse and I was finally able to get her set up for a neuropsych eval for the end of February. I have been making a lot of phone calls lately regarding my mom and I’m hoping she can stumble along until then. I’m hoping to talk to my brothers over the holidays and come up with a plan. I don’t want to get stuck managing the care for both of my parents and disabled brother by myself.

Sometimes when life is hard, you just need to have a good laugh about it. One of my bucket list items is to do stand up comedy. I’ve been up on the stage for open mic several times now and it’s been so much fun. You’re never too old to try something new. I foresee a lot of adventures in the upcoming year!

Old friends

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I’m happy to say within the last week I was able to visit with all my old friends. All three of them (Vince, Harv, and Kate) are in their 90’s. I have been worried about them as of late. The last time Paul and I tried to call them, they didn’t answer, and they didn’t call back. At times, I stalked their accounts and googled their names just to check they weren’t in the obituaries.

Last week I came home to find Vince at my house talking to Paul and Arabella. I haven’t seen or heard from him in over 6 months. I saw Harv and Kate at a banquet over the weekend. I can’t remember the last time I saw them either. Kate had hip surgery a few months back and they ended up moving into a nursing home. Harv views Paul as the son he never had, and Paul would’ve been happy to have Harv as his dad. I think Paul and I both would’ve been proud to call them our parents. You can choose your friends but not your family. But what happens if you and your parents are mismatched? Sometimes the right people, your tribe, end up finding you.

Our friends in their 90’s are adventurous and fun loving people. Being in their 90’s, although it has slowed them down, hasn’t stopped them from living life to the fullest. They have a harder time hearing, seeing, and getting around. But nothing stops them. I wonder what they were like when they were younger. If I live another 40 years, I aspire to be like them.

My daughter’s first marathon

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Just a follow up from a couple weeks ago, my daughter Angel finished her first marathon. She did an amazing job and I’m proud of her. I am joyful that she achieved her goal.

I experienced a wide array of emotions on marathon day. First of all, pride. Angel was training for the big day for months. She was very disciplined and serious about her training, at times turning down fun activities that interfered with her training schedule. She avoided all alcohol. She counted calories; making sure she was eating enough which properly fueled her body and gave her strength. She thinks that is where I went wrong when I was training. I ate when I was hungry and didn’t eat when I wasn’t.

I felt a lot of anxiety for her during the training process. I feared injury, but mainly I feared she would be victimized as a beautiful young woman running alone on long, lonely trails and through sketchy neighborhoods. I feared she could be hit by careless drivers which almost happened to both her and me.

I felt relief in the dream lived. I already completed multiple marathons and finished that goal. It was not something I always wanted to do but never achieved. I have no regrets except that that part of my life is over.

I felt sadness, especially when I saw mothers and daughters crossing the finish line together. I wanted to be that mom. I wanted that to be us. Angel and I did run a few of the same races. She was just beginning as I was coming to an end.

I felt envious of all the support she received from family and friends. Most of the time, and for my first marathon, my only spectator was my husband. He was an amazing support person. Some of Angel’s friends drove for hours to see her cross the finish line. It’s a reminder of what I didn’t have. I never received the support of my parents, although I used that to be the parent I always wanted for my children. It’s a part of giving what you don’t have, but knowing what you would’ve wanted to create something wonderful out of nothing worth passing down to the next generation.

I miss feeling young, strong, and important. I received a lot of attention for my accomplishments. Now I’m just a has been with a collection of medals hanging on the wall. It shows where I was and where I now am. I’ve come to accept that and have moved on to new dreams and goals.

I feel satisfaction that my daughter decided to follow in my footsteps. She finished her first marathon in her 20’s whereas I was in my 40’s. I am excited to see where she will go with this. It’s exciting to be a part of what inspired her. In some ways, through her, I am still experiencing it. Being a spectator is more difficult than I expected. The path of a participant is clearly marked. But as a spectator, it is not clear about where to go or when they will be there. The tracking app was not working for the marathon so we had to wing it. Then there were closed roads down unfamiliar streets. Marathon traffic. Finding a place to park. An inability to find bathrooms or food/drinks. Long walks carrying lawn chairs.

I miss the lifestyle and comradery of the running community. I miss the friendships strengthened and formed over a common passion. Those were the best years of my life. Overall, I’m happy my daughter decided to choose the same path I did. She is able to carry on some of the goodness in me.

Breaking up

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It happened on Saturday night a few minutes before the band went up to play. Having another commitment, I didn’t show up until the band was halfway through playing. My son played magnificently, better than I’ve ever heard him play. Afterwards, I told Alex to do whatever he did differently every time because he did an amazing job.

He said funny I should say that because right before the band started playing, his friend called to say he saw his girlfriend with another guy. Lexi ran off to the bathroom when she was caught while Alex’s friend talked to the guy. Apparently Lexi has been going out with this other guy for 4 months. We were shocked. Alex and Lexi were together over three years. She was like a part of our family, and one of Arabella’s best friends.

My son was upset over the betrayal and wanted to smash all her things. Thankfully a friend stayed with him that evening to talk him out of doing anything rash. Sunday night Alex texted to say Lexi was over to pick up her things if we wanted to say good-bye. I went over first and told Paul he should be there to make sure everything was alright. Alex was filled with rage and was screaming at Lexi. For the most part, Lexi was quiet and didn’t look at us. Sometimes she cried or yelled back. It was the worst break up we witnessed. I tried to stay out of the fighting. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, but it was a little too late for that.

Lexi threw most of her things in garbage bags. Outside the drought had ended in a pouring rain. It was a blustery evening, a reflection of our emotions. Arabella came over after work, and I cautioned her that although she wanted to say bye it might not be the best thing for her. But she wanted to anyway. My stress level was through the roof. We were all in a state of sadness, grief, anger, shock, and anxiety. Arabella was crying. The fighting seemed like it would never end.

But then it did end as Lexi packed everything that was hers in her vehicle and drove away. I thought maybe she was the one. But that dream is gone and there is just an emptiness in the space she once occupied in our hearts. Arabella has been crying every day. She was a friend, a best friend who painted with her and went to the movies together. I worry about her. The day before everything happened she started going through another medication change.

Alex has been unreachable. He doesn’t want to talk to me about it beyond the anger. I worry about him. Things ended badly. It’s going to take some time to get through this. It was so unexpected. Lexi has a lot of issues, and I keep telling myself there is someone better out there for him.

Handing over the baton

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A little over a month ago, I spent two full days in Wisconsin Dells at the waterparks. I told you about the trip, but I don’t think I mentioned how much pain I was in. After two full days of walking, I could barely walk. My foot was hurting a lot. I never really noticed how inactive I’ve gotten until I had to be active. So many times I chalked up my foot pain to bunions, arthritis, and fibromyalgia. But this time I felt something was really wrong because one foot was hurting much more than the other.

The following day I reached out to my doctor to get an appointment with a podiatrist. They questioned why I wanted a referral. I told them that I was still having foot pain like I mentioned at my last physical in November when they took X-rays of my foot. At the time, my doctor couldn’t find anything that would cause a lot of pain. It took me a month to get an appointment with the foot doctor.

By the time I got to my appointment, I was feeling a lot better. But I went in for another set of X-rays and waited over an hour to see the doctor who was behind schedule. I thought perhaps I was wasting his time. When the doctor came in, he told me I had a stress fracture. What??!?? How did that happen? I was going to have to wear a boot for 6 weeks and then come in for more X-rays to see if it was healing properly.

I have no idea how I fractured my foot. My feet started hurting when I was running long distance training for a 50k. But that was years ago. And aren’t your feet supposed to hurt if you are running 30 miles on them? The only other thing I could remember happening was having a large water bottle fall onto my foot. But again, that was years ago. How did I have a fractured foot and not even know about it?

It’s been 3 years since I ran. Gradually I stopped going on walks too because it hurt and I was having GI issues. I went from thinking I was wasting the doctor’s time to being angry with myself for not going in sooner. Hopefully now it will finally be able to heal and I can get on with life.

I stopped running right after Angel moved back home and started running. We enjoyed running together for several months. This weekend she will be running her first marathon and I will be supporting her every step of the way. I was instrumental in starting the fire that ignited her passion, and now I will be handing over the baton.

Riding with the changes

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I have been feeling uninspired as of late. I feel bored; which I guess isn’t too bad because it is a step above feeling melancholy. There is no immediate crisis, but change is in the air. I can’t tell if it’s good or bad or just is.

The past several days have been very summer like. It has been easy to convince myself that fall is way off into the future somewhere even though the calendar says otherwise.

Uncertainty and change are all around us. Who will our next president be? What kind of changes will that bring?

There have been some big changes in the business we are running and there is uncertainty which road to take. We are waiting in anticipation to see if our finances will change. If not, what kind of changes will that bring? My husband wrestles with wanting to retire and wanting to keep working indefinitely.

I have entered a new decade and my health has been changing.

My son and his girlfriend got new jobs. My son-in-law and daughter might be moving across the country for work for 6 months. I think it’s an exciting opportunity, but I will really miss them. They could be leaving within the month or not.

My parents are experiencing a great deterioration of their health. This has been problematic in many ways. I realized recently that my relationship with my parents has been very destructive and toxic. I sacrificed my young years, my best years, trying to help them because they needed me so much. I was more of their parent then they were ever mine. Looking back, I wish I cut ties with them decades ago. But I didn’t, and now I will never be set free. I will never have the relationship with them that I would’ve wanted.

My mom has been having memory issues, but refuses to admit anything is wrong. I’ve been seeing my mom in her raw form which is very difficult to see. She no longer disguises her extreme favoritism towards my disabled brother. She insists that the world needs to change around Matt instead of helping Matt adapt to the world he lives in which has been a huge disservice. She has placed her favoritism towards Matt over the safety of her children and grandchildren. Nothing is wrong with Matt or her, the problem is the rest of the world. Yet she seeks attention for being a martyr for taking care of my dad and Matt. It’s painful for me when others talk about their fond memories with their aging parents when the only thing I have to bring to the table is shame. There is a lot of uncertainty what will happen with my parents and brother in the near future.

Then there is Arabella. She is having side effects from her medication which have been hard for her to deal with. A couple weeks back I had to take her to the ER because of it. The doctor made a mistake and it ended up being a traumatic experience for both of us. Being on her medication has been a lifesaver, but not an optimal long term solution. Just keeping someone alive is different from being fully alive. Although a lot of troubling negative behaviors are gone, she is just a shell of the person she used to be. She used to be outgoing and fun loving. Now she spends her free time in isolation in her room watching TV. Her friends are gone. Her social interaction is limited to family and work. Her ex moved on and that has been hard for her. No one ever mentions how recovery is a lonely road.

Things have even changed on the blogosphere. Some of my favorite bloggers have fallen off the face of the earth. That feels like losing a friend. I have no intentions of leaving, although I know I’ve been too much of a stranger as of late. What is the purpose? Some days feel meaningless and it’s really hard to find motivation in that mind frame. I’m trying to just ride with the changes, although I’ve never been particularly good at that.

Safe people

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I spent the last couple of days in Wisconsin Dells, the waterpark capital of America. I never really understood why the waterpark capital would be in state with such a cold climate. But I’ve learned not to question such things and decided to hop in the car for a little road trip. I was accompanied by my husband, son, and his girlfriend.

We were there to celebrate my son’s belated birthday. (His birthday was on Father’s Day). And more importantly, we were celebrating Alex going back to tech school and obtaining several certificates in music. He recently found a job in a music store which he seems to like. Meanwhile, he is still creating music and performing with his band. Maybe, at 24, he is finally finding his place in life and figuring out who he is and what he wants to do.

We went after rescheduling the trip three times. The weather this summer has been very odd. It seemed to rain every other day. Every time it rained, it really poured. But you know what they say about the third time. It was a real charm. We had sunny but not overly warm days. The best part, because it was so close to school starting, we didn’t have long waits in lines. We had a great time.

I didn’t go on very many rides. I never had a high tolerance for intense rides, but now my tolerance is much lower as I age. Lexi never went to the outside waterparks before. Thankfully she liked the intense rides so my son didn’t have to go alone. About half the time Paul went with as well. I didn’t mind sitting and watching. It was kind of fun to just watch them.

While I was at the bottom of the slide watching for Alex and Lexi, Paul left to head to the bathroom. He came back a few minutes later with a little girl and a baby in a stroller. What?? Apparently the little girl was frightened because she couldn’t find her parents. She came up to Paul and asked for help. She left the baby in the stroller and walked around with Paul in search of her parents. I went to the stroller and looked inside. There was a sleeping boy somewhere around 18 months old. The girl told Paul she was 6.

I felt a surge of anger rise up in me. What kind of parents would leave their 6-year-old in charge of a baby so they could go on rides?? After about 10 minutes, the girl saw her parents coming off of a ride and her anxiety and fear visibly turned into relief. Paul comforted her the whole time and reassured her that her parents were coming back for her. Then he delivered the kids to their parents and we were on our way. I asked him if he said something to the parents about keeping a better eye on their kids. He said he didn’t because the parents were from a different country with a culture different from ours.

I said it shouldn’t matter. Responsible parents don’t just leave their little kids behind to go on rides. Geez, what could possibly go wrong? Two little kids left alone around water not far from the wave pool. The little girl asking a stranger, a man by himself, for help. Good thing she asked Paul. And I was afraid to leave behind my phone to go on rides. A million scenarios were going through my mind about what could’ve happened to those kids, none of them good.

I wish I could say I didn’t see the kids again, or better yet I saw the parents taking the kids on rides. But I saw them two more times at the park. The second time I was sitting at a table waiting for my clan to get off a ride. There they were at the table next to me. I went over and talked to the girl who was sitting on the table. This time the baby was awake and babbling in his stroller. The girl was no longer afraid being left behind. She spoke to me until my group got off the ride and we left.

The third time I saw the kids, they were sitting at the same table. The girl was sitting on a chair dozing off in front of the stroller. It seemed like she had been waiting for a while. I felt fearful for them. I wanted to tell off the parents. Paul asked me what I was going to do that was going to change things for the kids. Paul was right, there was nothing I could do except be a safe person for those kids. Although telling off the parents would make me feel better, it could lead to a worse situation for the kids.

I had to let it go and focus more on what I can influence and change. In that moment, life was good. We were on a mini vacation celebrating my son’s accomplishments. The weather was good. The parks were quiet. And for a moment some tiny hands reached to ours knowing we were safe people.

Safe for now

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I feel like I got my daughter back. The daughter I had before everything started. Before the suicide attempts, the cutting, sneaking out late at night to meet up with strangers, the delusions, the depression, the mania, hospitalizations, jail, and all the other struggles I’ve been writing about the past 4+ years. We are getting along better than we have before.

Everything changed once she was on the right medication. At her last hospitalization, they put her on a mega dose of the powerful anti-psychotic Haldol. The doctor has been slowly trying to taper her off the medication. In the beginning her doctor also put her on Lithium as a mood stabilizer. She has been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder which is a mix of schizophrenia and bipolar. After several months, her doctor tried to take her off of Lithium thinking an anti-psychotic would be enough to manage her symptoms. After a week off of Lithium, she started to hear voices telling her to kill herself. Thankfully she communicated what was happening to her with me. I called the doctor’s office and they put her back on Lithium. Once again she was stable.

At the last appointment, the doctor tried to reduce her Haldol. He wants her off of the medication altogether. I asked the doctor if the hospital made a mistake by putting her on Haldol in the first place. He said when Arabella was admitted to the hospital she was very, very psychotic. If a psychiatrist says that it must mean a lot more than usual. They had her on ten times the average dose. That’s why when we visited her in the hospital, we were traumatized to see her because she was shaking and couldn’t talk right. Her jaw was tremoring and her words were slurred. They put her on another medication for side effects of Haldol and that caused her to have vision changes.

At the last appointment, the doctor tried to taper Arabella down to a high dose within the normal range. She didn’t respond well. She started to have intrusive violent thoughts. He decided to put her back on her dose previous to her last appointment. And once again, she is stable and enjoyable to be around. If it was up to me right now, I would like to keep her on the medication she is on now for the rest of her life. But the doctor said that after being on Haldol long term she will very likely have irreversible side effects similar to the ones she had before on the mega high dose. By age 30, the medication that is saving her now will cause her to be physically disabled by her condition.

Is it worth it? We might not have another choice. The doctor said it’s going to be a very long process to get her where she needs to be. But as for right now, it’s wonderful to have my daughter back.

Birthdays galore

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I survived my 50th birthday weekend!!

And what a weekend it was too! I had a three day birthday party bash. It was more of an open house concept which worked really well. Friday night was the big night as I had my son’s band play. The weather was perfect. Saturday I hosted a 70’s costume party. Sunday I hosted a murder mystery party. In lieu of gifts, I asked for donations for two of my favorite charities. The last thing I wanted was a whole bunch of gag gifts like my husband got for his 50th.

Friends and family stopped in when they were available. By Sunday, on my actual birthday, everything was pretty low key. But it didn’t end there. The following day was Lexi’s (my son’s girlfriend) 25th birthday, so we celebrated that too. She wanted everyone to dress goth style which was a lot of fun. Although my son and husband did not want to wear manscara or guy liner. Party poopers! LOL.

But it didn’t end there.. Last weekend was Angel’s birthday. Next week is our wedding anniversary, then afterwards we will be celebrating my son and my mom’s birthday. There is a season for everything. I’ll take a time of celebration over sorrow any day.