- Summer, for what is left of it. We are starting to feel some fall weather patterns push through. The A/C is off and the windows are open.
- Having a hot and windy day last week on my day off to make for perfect sailing weather with our boat neighbors.
- Staying safe this past weekend as a census worker in a really rough neighborhood.
- Having the day off today to go school shopping. My daughter starts her last year of high school tomorrow. I usually don’t put off school shopping until the day before but I really was not sure and still am not quite sure what is happening this school year. Yeah, just when I thought I had everything figured out too. (Last child in last year of school).
- Being able to meet up with my best friend for lunch over my break from work over the weekend.
- Making plans to see my brother and his family up north at the family cabin for the holiday weekend. It will be the first time we got together since COVID.
- Seeing my daughter this weekend. It will be less than a month until she moves back home.
- School is starting back up again. It’s been over 5 months.
- I’m grateful to be able to work hard and earn some extra money by doing a meaningful job.
- I’m grateful for the ham in the oven for supper. I’m grateful I will be able to eat before 8 PM since I have the day off. I’m grateful to have the windows open and not having to worry about cooking heating up my house.
Author: Outrunning my demons
Gratitude week 34
- Summer! The weather has been absolutely amazing this summer.
- My son got the job he applied for at the auto parts store. I cautioned him about taking his own car for the interview, apparently they offer 20% off of car parts for employees. Man they are going to go broke with my son. His car is a wreck.
- I was able to work overtime this week.
- Paul and I went up north to the family cabin on my day off. It was his first time up there this year, my second. We were able to kayak around the lake and go swimming. It was strange because we were the only ones up there. My mom has been avoiding me like the plague since I started this census job. The kids grew up, the dog is too old, and I haven’t seen my youngest two brothers since this whole COVID thing started. But it was nice to have a quiet place on the lake to relax.
- Paul and I were able to go sailing and the weather was perfect for it.
- I have the hottest day off this week and we made plans to go sailing and swimming with our boat neighbors.
- My cat seems to be feeling better on the thyroid medicine.
- I’m grateful for the nice people I’ve met on my census job. Someone gave me a bottle of water when it was hot out today. I bring my own water but it doesn’t stay cool for very long. I hate drinking hot water.
- I’m grateful to have a good supervisor.
- I’m grateful that last night I had a good nights sleep.
Gratitude week 33
- Summer! The weather here has been perfect. I wish it would just freeze this way. Okay, maybe that wasn’t the proper word to use…freeze….brrr.
- I was able to visit with my daughter for a little while this weekend.
- My husband made me a dairy free, yeast free, gluten free pizza that wasn’t flavor free.
- I was able to get my 40 hours in at work this past week.
- I took my cat in for his yearly vet visit. At 14, I thought this cat would live forever. He is as energetic as a kitten. He’s also become very vocal at night. Turns out he has a thyroid disorder. He lost 3 lbs from last year going from 11 lbs to 8 which is a lot for a cat. The vet ordered some medication for him and gave him his shots. For the next couple days, my cat became lethargic and didn’t want to eat or move around much. I literally thought he was going to die. He is starting to feel better so I am grateful for that. I’m hoping that the medication will make the rest of his time here with us relatively pain free.
- I am grateful to be able to work around my schedule.
- I’m grateful to have some new stories to tell. If only I had the time to tell them….in due time.
- I’m grateful to have some time off at the end of the week to go up north. We really haven’t been up to the family cabin all summer. This year no one even got the dock in the water.
- Feeling productive.
- My son has a job interview tomorrow.
Gratitude week 32
- Summer! It has been absolutely gorgeous out.
- For the time spent visiting with my daughter when she was home last weekend.
- Looking forward to my daughter coming home again this weekend.
- We were able to take my mom sailing and give her a good birthday.
- For the motivation to work 40 hours despite being tired.
- Having a husband who is willing to pick up the slack.
- Having my last house call be right next to a place selling used books. I was able to get a paper bag full of books for $2. I found some cookbooks and tons of old self-help books. Watch out, by next year I should be new and improved while whipping up some nice dishes.
- Conquering fears. As a census worker I never know what kind of situation I will be entering into. It can be intimidating and anxiety producing. So far on my first week I’ve encountered questionable dogs, stormy weather, angry/rude people, abandoned/creepy houses, and being in places were I did not feel a sense of safety. I was sent to the roughest part of town where there have been shootings. I am going door to door in a time of great fear of COVID. But more often than not, during this time I have also witnessed the goodness of strangers.
- Feeling efficient and productive. Almost every day I need to ask my supervisor for more work. Sometimes I am so focused I don’t even pay attention to where I am going. The other day I was walking while I was following up with work on my phone and I ended up almost getting into someone else’s car. I went to sit down and wondered why the seats were a different color. My gosh, how embarrassing.
- Tomorrow will be my first day off since starting last week. Yeah!!
The first few days at work
The morning started rough. I awoke bleary eyed. I haven’t been sleeping all that well since I started the census job. My body, always resistant of change.
I went to feed my pets which all mornings is rather uneventful, well except for today that is. I opened the lid of the cat’s food container reaching inside only to find a mouse feasting on the food inside. Freaked me right out. Not the kind of excitement I needed to start my day.
I feel tired but good. I have my drug back. Work. The days go by and I find I don’t think about anything except for what I am doing. I’m not overthinking. I’m not anxious. My mind almost completely void of troubling thoughts. Then after the day’s work is done, my thoughts turn to mush. No worries, no grand stories. Nothing much.
Not only do I have a greater appreciation of those who travel door to door, but I am now thankful of people who clearly mark their houses with their house number. You wouldn’t believe how many times I turn around just looking for the street address of one house even with the map app on.
For the most part, people have been nice. I appreciate that as well. I have been doing a lot of walking. It’s funny but the first couple of days my legs and feet have been sore and I am a runner. I have a new respect for people who are on their feet all day at work.
It’s nice to spend the day working outside on these warm summer days. I haven’t had to go house to house in a downpour yet. Then I might be telling you a different story.
Things at home have been piling up. The dishes have yet to be done and the laundry needs folding. But for a few minutes I thought I would slip away to let you know that as for today everything is okay.
Gratitude week 31
- I’m back after a short break! I’m grateful I didn’t fall off the side of the planet too. But isn’t the Earth round? Who knows anymore…
- Summer! I can’t get enough of it. Seriously, why do I still live in the frozen tundra??!?
- I’m grateful to have a wonderful spouse to enjoy 23 years of marriage with.
- I just started the census job yesterday. It feels good to be out working again. I’m trying to put in 40 hours a week. I’m hoping I can still find some extra time in the day to blog.
- I am grateful most of the people I’ve talked to have been nice for the census job. I have a new appreciation of people who go door to door unannounced, even more so now during the pandemic.
- I’m grateful that my husband and I were able to get away for a couple days of sailing for our anniversary.
- I’m grateful that my loved one ended up being released from the psych ward the end of last week. This person has some previously undiagnosed medical issues that may have been contributing to the depression they were experiencing. Not to mention this whole time period in general has been stressful. I am hopeful they are starting on their healing journey.
- It’s my moms birthday this week. I’m hoping I can talk her into a visit and maybe sailing.
- My daughter is visiting this weekend so I am looking forward to seeing her and can’t wait until she moves back home.
- It’s been over a year and a half since I worked so I am grateful to be contributing to the family income. Plus I have been feeling nervous/anxious/excited about working again even temporarily. A little excitement at my age never hurt anyone.
Gratitude week 30
- Summer! I’m soaking up the hot days as much as I can.
- I no longer have any drafts in my WP queue. I am happy to be done with the ultimatum series. I thought it would be healing to write about but instead I felt a tremendous amount of stress about it. I started it and then no longer wanted to do it, but I finished it anyway. I feel kind of burned out with writing in life in general right now. Maybe some time off would help.
- I took the little vacuum cleaner my daughter bought me for my birthday and thoroughly cleaned the inside of my car.
- I got a haircut this week. My hair is now 100% my natural color. I cut off the last remaining blonde ends. It feels strangely freeing to be myself.
- My loved one who is depressed ended up getting committed to the psych ward this past week. I have been overwhelmed with sadness about it. But I am grateful that for the moment this person is safe. I also feel like this person is finally asking for and getting the help they need.
- My husband and I are planning on getting away for a couple of days sailing for our anniversary. The weather looks perfect for it.
- I had my orientation for the census job this past Friday. Maybe I was too optimistic, but I was hoping to start the online portion of the training Friday afternoon and being done today. I didn’t even get the emailed link yet to begin the training process which has been incredibly frustrating because I’m afraid I might have to postpone some of the plans I made for our trip. But I am grateful to have a meaningful job, some extra income, and the opportunity to bury myself in work to get my mind off of things for awhile.
- Paul and I took care of the area coin shortage by taking in our jug of coins we have been saving for the past decade, $262.47.
- I was able to talk to Estelle via Facetime for the first time since she went back home. I’m grateful for the technology to be able to easily and affordably communicate with someone living in another country.
- I found a new author I really like. I’m reading Then She Was Gone by Lisa Jewell. It’s a psychological thriller with relatable characters. The best part is that she has written quite a few other books.
The ultimatum, part 10
After taking a couple weeks off of drinking in January, Paul had a new plan.
He was going to drink a bottle of wine every other night. His doctor said he shouldn’t have more than 14 drinks per week. With this plan, he was pretty close.
He didn’t have a problem not drinking when he didn’t drink. But he found the nights when he had a bottle of wine more challenging. Frequently when he was on his fourth glass, he no longer had the discipline to not drink a couple more. What if it was an extra large bottle of wine? Did that still count as one? He had a hard time leaving extra wine behind because that would throw off his count. What if he had a couple of mixed drinks and then started a bottle of wine?
I found myself angry and triggered on the drinking nights. If he went over I knew. At times I threatened to dump all the alcohol in the house out. He said I was wasting my money because he could just go to the store and buy more.
I tried to ignore him on the nights he was drinking. That also did not work well. It seemed to bother him that I avoided him and usually lead to an argument. Sometimes I would confront him if he started his fifth drink. That also didn’t work. The one that says please help me when he is sober also says leave me alone and stop controlling my life when he is drunk.
After several months he discovered that his plan did not work. He devised a new plan. He could have 2 drinks every day of the week. If there was a special occasion, he could have 4 drinks a day if he had two drinks at two separate times of day. For example, he could have two drinks at lunch and then two drinks at suppertime never having more than two drinks in his system at a time. If he had 4 drinks per day he would have to give up drinking another day of the week. This would keep him within the 14 drinks a week limit.
He had it down to a science. I told him if he followed this plan I wouldn’t give him a hard time about drinking ever again. Things were going well, really well in fact. But then he slipped this past week. I confronted him on it. He was upset at first, but he knew I was right. I am only trying to hold him accountable because I care about him.
I don’t like to be in the position of being the person that has to help him control his drinking. I don’t want to have to be the bad guy. He’s told me countless times that without me he would probably drink himself to death. I want to think that he would be fine without me. I think it will be something he will always struggle with.
He had made a lot of progress in this last year. For that I am thankful. I am happy to be an influencing factor in that change. He was willing to address his issues and grew a lot in the process. I have to give him a lot of credit for being willing to look at some negative things about himself. It hasn’t always been easy.
It’s our anniversary next week, 23 years. We are planning on getting away a few days on our sailboat. This year I am confident things will go well because we are taking a different path.
Gratitude week 29
- Summer!!
- My birthday was this past week. Although the weather didn’t cooperate with my outdoor plans, I was able to go out to eat with my best friend Cindy. We went to a gluten-free restaurant. The food was amazing. They even had gluten and dairy free cheesecake. Plus it was open mic stand up comedy night. I’m thinking that would be a fun hobby. I’m planning on doing stand up in the near future.
- My daughter came home this past weekend. We started looking at places for her to live. It is starting to feel real that after 4 years she is moving back home. She also bought me a puzzle and mini vacuum cleaner for my birthday. It was everything I wanted but didn’t ask for.
- I spent a lot of good quality time with my daughter Angel and son Alex over the last few days. We went out to eat and did a painting class along with Paul and Angel’s boyfriend.
- I got a massage for my birthday week. Plus Paul gave me a gift card so I can go again.
- I am starting the training for the census job this week. It should be interesting!
- Paul and I took the church leadership sailing. It was very windy, but thankfully everything went well. We took them out without ‘taking them out’ which was a win.
- I am grateful for my daughter Angel whose birthday is tomorrow. I can’t wait until she moves back! It was nice to celebrate our birthdays together.
- I’m grateful to be busy since Estelle left. I miss her!
- Although I was supposed to be getting back from Europe this week and don’t have any vacations planned in the foreseeable future, I am grateful to have a sailboat we can get away on.
The ultimatum, part 9
I felt a lot of anxiety leading up to his birthday. He did it, Paul went without drinking for almost 2 months. He said it was a piece of cake.
He said he would try to quit drinking until his birthday.
But then it was his birthday. I was worried. Now what would happen?
That night we had a few friends over. They had pizza and he drank a bottle of wine. I felt a sense of loss. I didn’t belong. I felt like an outsider. I had been dairy free for over a month by that time. As they ate pizza and laughed, I brooded in the corner.
I felt triggered by Paul drinking again. I felt angry and hurt like I did on the night of our anniversary when he drank too much. Paul was in a jovial mood. He drank another bottle of wine out by the campfire while I sat inside.
He wanted me to sing while he played guitar. When he pushed close, I pulled away. He was gone and I felt like I couldn’t trust him anymore.
What was going to happen going forward?
Slowly and steadily he started drinking more but nowhere as close to as much as before.
We got hit pretty hard in the next couple months with bad news about my dad. It will be a long time before I am ready to talk about that. I can tell you this, my dad struggles with addiction. My mom ignored it. She buried her head in the sand. I have to wonder maybe things would’ve turned out differently if she gave him an ultimatum.
I think I did the right thing. I never wanted Paul to stop drinking. I just wanted him to be in control of it instead of it controlling him.
I found myself triggered by so many things, not just Paul drinking. What happened with my dad threw me into a deep depression. I wish I could say that trauma only happens from your parents in childhood. Sometimes it tends to be a lifelong roller coaster ride.
Paul thought he was going to lose me this time. He was so stressed out that he started to drink more which stressed me out more.
Because of the ultimatum, he knew it was a problem he needed to address. In January, he stopped drinking for a few weeks in a time of prayer and self-reflection. Then he came up with a new plan.
Outrunning my demons 