Author: Outrunning my demons

My travel bucket list from 2010

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

Back in 2008, Paul and I went on our first vacation after 10 years of marriage. Travelling wasn’t something we did in our childhoods. In fact, when we flew to Jamaica in 2008, it was Paul’s first time on an airplane. He was almost 40 years old. After that trip, we got the travel bug.

Some time after our first trip, I created a travel bucket list on a piece of paper written in pencil. I carried that little piece of paper in my purse for the next 15 years to remind myself of the goals I created. This is the year the list ends. I want to see how good I did on my goals.

2010: Utah We probably did go to Utah that year as the software platform we used for our business was located there and they started hosting user group meetings. We were one of the first users on the software. The first user group meeting only had about 10 to 15 people. By the time we sold our company, there were probably thousands of users. We went to Utah countless times mainly to Park City and Salt Lake City. We were able to wade in the waters of the Great Salt Lake and listen to the choir practice at the Mormon Tabernacle.

2011: Disney After the trip to Jamaica in 2008, we took the kids to Disney in 2009. We went to Disney twice after that, once with the kids and once without. In 2016, we took a family trip to Florida right before Angel graduated and visited some of the other parks.

2012: Wisconsin Dells (15th anniversary) This wasn’t a far trip to take so we’ve been there countless times.

2013: St. Lucia (Paul graduates earning his MBA). We went to St. Lucia and absolutely loved it. It’s the most beautiful place I have ever been to. I loved it so much that I recommended it to my daughter Angel and her husband who went there for their honeymoon.

2014: Mackinac Island (My 40th birthday) This is another one that isn’t too far away. It’s located in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan near the long bridge that connects upper Michigan to lower Michigan. Visiting the island is like going back in time. No cars are allowed on the island. The mode of travel is horses and bicycles. I haven’t been to the island for at least a decade. But I have been there several times and even stayed at the Grand Hotel.

2015: Mexico I haven’t visited Mexico yet.

2016: Yellowstone (Angel graduates from high school). I did check Yellowstone off my bucket list but not until many years later for our 25th anniversary. The exact day of our anniversary, we visited Old Faithful.

2017: Hawaii (20th anniversary) I just checked Hawaii off my travel bucket list this year.

2018: California (Paul’s 50th birthday) I did check this state off my bucket list. Paul and I went there for a conference and spent a couple more days afterwards site seeing. It was the first time I dipped my feet into the Pacific Ocean. We spent several days staying at a winery.

2019: Maine/Nova Scotia/Iceland (Alex graduates from high school) I checked Maine off my bucket list. Iceland is still high up on my list.

2020: New York City I checked this off my bucket list in 2012 going on a music trip through the high school with Angel and my mom. Angel sang a solo singing the song Popular from Wicked. It was one of the first times she performed a solo and I realized her talent and potential.

2021: (Arabella graduates from high school) Unfortunately this is no longer legible because it was written in pencil but I think it says Arizona. Paul and I travelled to Arizona for a conference and stayed a few extra days to visit the Grand Canyon. Or maybe it says Asia. We did go to Thailand.

2022: Europe I was supposed to go to Europe the summer of 2020 but I’m sure you can guess what happened with those plans. I am still planning on going sometime within the next year or so.

2023: Vegas I travelled to Vegas twice. The first time I went was 6 years ago with Angel for a music competition. I didn’t gamble at all. The second time I went with Paul and another couple and all we did was gamble.

2024: Alaska (My 50th birthday) I haven’t been there yet, but it is high up on my list. I checked 43 out of 50 states off my bucket list and 3 out of 7 continents. I visited the 50th state for my 50th year.

It seemed like when we first started to travel we didn’t have the extra time or money so I tried to plan trips around special occasions like milestone birthdays, anniversaries, or graduations. Now I try to travel as much as I can, at least once a year. I hope to cross off all the continents and states. Since I reached the end of time on my paper bucket list, I can retire my list. I plan on travelling for as long as I am able to.

Random thoughts on Hawaii

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment
  1. There is no quick and easy way to get to Hawaii. On the way, we tried to get the most direct flight possible. We flew from Chicago directly to Honolulu. It was a 9 1/2 hour flight. (We did see people before on a delayed flight we were on miss a connecting flight to Hawaii. They had to wait another full day at the airport).
  2. The original plan was that we would drive down to Chicago. Later we opted to add a flight to Chicago from our hometown. We left early enough in the morning that if for some reason we missed the flight and had to drive, we could still get there in time. (We had a snowstorm before that cancelled all flights and had to take a bus to get to the airport in Chicago).
  3. We went through a tour group and had some problems adding on the extra flight later. The tour group used our middle names to book and I didn’t so the flights did not link together. If you are going to add on later, use the exact name the tour group uses. Thankfully, we still got our luggage. But it added some confusion when we got to the airport.
  4. It took us 3 flights to get back home. We left Maui on an overnight flight. It is nearly impossible to get any sleep in an uncomfortable upright position with random babies crying. Again, going home didn’t matter as much as getting there. We were facing a 5 hour time change and expected to have jet lag.
  5. We went through Gate 1 tour company, which I’m glad we did. I think we were able to see a lot more of the highlights that way. The cost also included two flights between the islands. There really is no other way to island hop as there aren’t any ferries between the islands. I love to plan my own vacations, but I don’t think I would’ve been able to plan everything remotely as well as the tour company did.
  6. Honolulu is a large city full of skyscrapers. The city appeared to be clean but outdated. It seem old but not rundown. The residents seemed to live right on top of each other. Although this is not unusual for city life, what was unusual was seeing wild chickens running around.
  7. Hawaii is the rainbow state. I was excited to see a rainbow once we arrived. Even the license plates have rainbows on them. At home in Wisconsin, we see rainbows a couple times a year whereas they see rainbows a couple times a day.
  8. Honolulu didn’t have any billboard advertising.
  9. I love POG (passion-orange-guava) juice.
  10. Surprisingly I didn’t see a lot of fish on the menu. Most menus offered flatbread and burgers.
  11. The food prices were very high because most of their food is imported so there is a shipping fee.
  12. Why aren’t there lakes on islands?? Or at least I haven’t seen any.
  13. The landscape was very diverse. I heard you can ski on the water and snow covered mountains on the same day. Although I didn’t see any snow.
  14. Volcanos are different than I was expecting. It’s like a huge smoking crater in the ground.
  15. All the beaches are public. I was not as impressed with the beaches as I thought I would be. I think a sense of ownership would keep the beaches cleaner and keep the riffraff out (like the streaker who was rummaging through people’s belongings). All the beaches were crowded.
  16. Forget about enjoying an umbrella drink on the beach though because that was not allowed.
  17. Hawaii has legalized medical marijuana. There seemed to be quite a few sick people on the beach.
  18. Going to a luau is a great way to experience the culture.
  19. I felt a little trapped. Hawaii is in the middle of nowhere. What if a volcano blows? Or a tsunami sweeps in? Or there is another wildfire? I tried not to think about it too much, but I was a little nervous about what to do in an emergency. (This may or may not have something to do with the fire alarm going off in the middle of the first night. We got stuck in the stairwell trying to evacuate).
  20. I saw whales, mongooses, and cockroaches for the first time in the wild.
  21. I learned a lot about coffee from touring a Kona coffee plantation.
  22. I saw pineapple and papaya plants for the first time.
  23. I appreciate that Hawaii is a green state concerned about conservation and sustainability. They don’t use plastic bags and had alternatives to plastic water bottles.
  24. They sold reef safe sunscreen. I never knew that some of the chemicals in regular sunscreen could damage the reefs.
  25. The wildfires that happened last summer are still devastating the people of Maui. They have not been able to go back to their homes or land to clean up their property. There are many displaced people living in hotels, tiny communal shacks, or in tents along the beach.
  26. Hawaii has a rich history and was once ruled by kings and a queen.
  27. I was expecting to see gigantic waves with tons of surfers. I saw that in California more than in Hawaii.
  28. Hawaii is our 50th state and has only been a state for 65 years.
  29. Pearl Harbor is a must see.

Maui, Hawaii

/ Outrunning my demons / 2 Comments

On Easter morning, we left Big Island and got on a 35 minute flight to Maui.

It didn’t feel like Easter. I wondered how things were going at home. Arabella was spending Easter weekend with my parents. Dan and Angel were spending the day with his parents. But as far as I knew, Alex and Lexi didn’t have anywhere to go. It’s complicated because Angel and Alex don’t want anything to do with my dad (rightfully so) and haven’t seen him in over 4 years.

Then I saw a picture of Alex and Lexi with Angel at her in-law’s house. I was overjoyed they weren’t forgotten. Angel’s mother-in-law even made little candy baskets for my kids and invited them over for their family Easter meal. It was kind of late in the trip, but I felt like everything was going to be alright at home.

It was strange travelling over Easter. The beaches were full, but were they full of locals on holiday or tourists like me? We had 20 people in our tour group when they usually have 40. We were the youngest couple in the group. Even our tour guide was in his 70’s. It was a good trip for him to get his feet wet though. Everyone got along with each other and were pleasant for his first tour.

On Easter evening, our tour group went to a luau. They had a pig roast buffet and free drinks. We watched the hula dancers perform to live music. The dancers weren’t unhealthily thin. They looked like average people. At the end we saw a fire dancer perform. I’m just shocked he didn’t burn the place down or start himself on fire. It was still incredibly windy and we were set up outside. The show was something new and interesting to experience of the Hawaiian culture.

I have to say I absolutely fell in love with Maui. In my mind I started to plan my son’s wedding so we could go back there and enjoy it once again. I know, I know…they aren’t even engaged yet.

The hotel we stayed at was right on the ocean with a sandy beach you could feast your eyes on for miles. There were mountains in the distance. The water was a clear, clean blue. The temperature was perfect. Almost everyone on the beach was a tourist staying in a chain of hotels. We spent two full days on the beach. One day we went snorkeling with sea turtles and saw tons of beautiful tropical fish. On our last day, we even saw a whale. Another first.

Again, the food was mediocre. Spam is a big thing in Hawaii, but you won’t find it on restaurant menus. In a convenience/souvenir shop, Paul found Spam sushi which was basically warm Spam on rice. I tried it and it was great. They didn’t have a lot of specialty drinks either. I did have a guava daiquiri. The flavor was good but it was more like a watery slushy instead of a refreshing cool drink. I did like the Lemongrass Luau beer, very flavorful.

One day we had lunch at the Maui Brewery. Although it was next to the beach, it was very separate from it. You couldn’t just slide in wearing beachwear. I bought a pint glass to bring home as a souvenir.

I saw some seriously disabled people at our hotel. People who had to be pushed around in wheelchairs. I thought it quite unusual until our tour guide said some of the displaced people were staying at hotels. The Maui fires really did a number on a large population of people. After the fire last August, the citizens have not been allowed to go back to their property. The clean up has been stalled and people are very upset about it. We saw encampments along the beach of displaced people living in tents. There was also a community of displaced people living in small construction type trailers so they could be close to work. I’m hoping the people who couldn’t stay in tents got first dibs on the hotel.

As we were leaving, the hotel manager gave us beaded leis and did a good-bye ceremony with us. She told us that not only did many people lose their homes, many lost their lives. She said the island was usually a cheerful place before the fires. But everyone on Maui was collectively mourning the loss of their loved ones or their homes along with everything they had in some way. She said since tourism is how they make a living, a lot of people had to go to work with a smile on their face when they were still mourning. Everything looks beautiful on the outside, but on the inside there is a lot of suffering there.

The people of Maui are strong and will get through this. They have had a tight knit sense of family and community for many generations. They have something special there from living in an isolated area geographically. It’s not as easy to pack everything up and leave.

Visiting Maui was the highlight of our trip to Hawaii.

The Big Island, Hawaii

/ Outrunning my demons / 3 Comments

On Good Friday, after spending two full days in Honolulu, we took an early morning flight into Hilo on the Big Island. Hilo is located on the windward side of the island. When we arrived, it was windy and rainy. Our tour guide, who lives on this island, said it rains almost every day of the year. He, along with the other locals, collects the rainwater for use in his house.

Our big stop for the day was to visit the volcanoes. At the higher altitude the temps were cooler, in the mid 60’s. Along with the strong winds and rain, Paul and I decided to buy rain ponchos. The volcano wasn’t what I expected. It looked like a huge black smoking crater. The sky was hazy and the air smelled smoky like a campfire.

Volcano

We stopped at two places to see volcanos. The second place we stopped at was very windy and cool. We got stuck in a downpour so I didn’t take many pictures. We also stopped at the black sand beach. The beach was packed with people but it didn’t inspire me to go swimming since the water was filled with volcanic rocks.

We made a stop at a macadamia nut plantation. We were unable to take a tour, but we did sample macadamia nuts with different seasonings. We stopped for lunch at a botanical garden and took a tour of the grounds. It was peaceful and calming to see so many beautiful flowers. As we were walking, our guide showed us a large bell which people would ring with a large wooden beam for 7 years of good luck. At lunch our tour guide asked what we thought of the gardens. I said it was glorious except for one thing. No one was able to ring that bell. She asked if I wanted to ring the bell to which I responded yes. I figured I could use all the good luck I could get. So we went back and I rang the bell. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. At first I didn’t use enough force to ring it, then the second time I tried I think I used too much force. After ringing the bell, she said I needed to ring the bell two more times gently for prosperity and health. The next two times I think I rang the bell too gently as it barely tapped the bell. So far I haven’t really noticed a change in my luck. Maybe it takes awhile to kick in or someone has delayed the paperwork for my request.

After spending most the day on the windward side of the island, we headed to Kona on the leeward side of the island. As Hilo gets rain, Kona gets sunshine. When we got to Kona, however, the rain had followed us over. We ended up eating supper outside in the rain. I was surprised to feel a little chilly in Hawaii.

The following morning we took a tour of a Kona coffee plantation. We participated in coffee sampling then took a tour of the grounds. I really didn’t know so much went into making coffee. What a tedious process. The plantation tour guide was absolutely amazing. I wish I could explain everything like he did. The best I can do is show you some of the pictures I took. The coffee plantation tour was the highlight of my time on The Big Island.

Coffee plants

Our tour guide told us the island has a rat problem. Many years ago, the state brought in the mongoose to control the rat population. But there was a huge problem with this plan as the mongoose is diurnal and the rats are nocturnal. Should’ve used cats. I could’ve brought some with if I knew from the cat rescue I volunteer at. We saw several mongoose at the coffee plantation. I don’t know what I was thinking, but with the name mongoose I was thinking more along the lines of Canadian goose. But the mongoose reminded me of a gopher or ferret. They seemed to be quick runners.

Coffee plant ready to harvest

At the plantation I saw several things for the first time such as a papaya plant and a pineapple bush. I was thinking pineapples grew on small trees. I really love papaya which is something we can’t find at home. The tour guide gave me a papaya to take back to the hotel. We didn’t have any utensils or plates, nor could we find any. Paul used a coffee stirrer to cut it and found it to be overripe and mushy. We left it in our room but later found a garbage to dump it in because the last thing we wanted was giant rats or tropical bugs invading our room.

A baby pineapple

The rest of the afternoon we had free time. We walked to a local market to buy souvenirs. I bought some wild looking mushroom pants made by women in the ashram. Then we spent the rest of the afternoon on the beach. Our hotel had the most amazing beach. However, when I say ‘the hotel’ I say that loosely. All beaches in Hawaii are public along with this beach. This beach was sandy because they shipped sand into the beach. Again, the swimming area was rocky from the volcano. The beach was packed with people and the water was rather cool.

Again, there weren’t any tiki bars on the beach because alcohol was not allowed on the beach. We could buy drinks but we couldn’t enjoy them in our lounge chairs. We had to sit near the restaurant. While we were sitting by the restaurant, we heard a couple people start yelling. Apparently someone was rummaging through someone’s belongings which had us worried a little as we kept most of our items on the beach. Then I saw this guy stumble along the beach followed by hotel management. From what I could tell, this guy was naked. He left quickly with only a white hotel towel wrapped around his waist with a manager walking behind him. I felt bad for the hotel managers having to police a beach that anyone can use, or should I say misuse.

Again, the food on The Big Island was average. We decided to catch supper with another couple we met on the tour. We always have fun meeting new people and getting a fresh perspective on things. As we were walking back to the hotel after supper that evening, we walked by a restaurant we were thinking of going to. People were eating on a raised patio as we were walking by. The walkway was dark and I almost stepped on something. As I looked down, dozens of huge cockroaches scattered. I cried out. Paul asked me if I almost stepped on a frog. I told him I would tell him later as I didn’t want to freak out the people eating right above the place they crawled into.

I never saw cockroaches in the wild before. It totally creeped me out. I had a hard time sleeping that night because my mind was focused on bugs. Plus, we needed to get up early the next morning to fly to our last island destination in Hawaii.

Oahu, Hawaii

/ Outrunning my demons / 5 Comments
Waikiki Beach

Paul and I flew into Honolulu directly from Chicago on a nine and a half hour flight. Surprisingly, the flights were all uneventful. Over the course of our trip, we had a total of seven flights. We were meeting with our tour group at a hotel in Honolulu a block from Waikiki Beach. We arrived late on a Tuesday afternoon tired from our travels. We grabbed a quick supper, met up with our tour guide, and took a short stroll on the beach. Waikiki Beach was busy and bustling with people. Skyscrapers lined the streets along the beach. We learned that all beaches in Hawaii are public. There weren’t any places along the beach you could walk up to and grab a drink. Alcohol was not permitted on the beach.

We went to bed around 9PM that first night which was 2 AM at home. Around midnight we were awoken by the sound of alarms going off and a booming voice over the loudspeaker to evacuate the hotel. We were half asleep as we grabbed something presentable to wear and groggily left the room. We were on the 12th floor and the stairwell was packed with hotel guests. The line moved slowly. If there was a fire, we would really be in trouble. In about 20 minutes, we made it down only five flights. No one took anything with them more than a phone. After we made it down to the 7th floor, someone yelled out that the alarm was cancelled. The alarms were still going off and people were getting upset and panicking. Someone yelled down and asked by whose authority was the alarm cancelled. Some people were still trying to get out of the building while others were trying to go back up to their rooms. It wasn’t until the alarms stopped ringing and a voice said over the loudspeaker that the alarm had been cancelled did everyone slowly make their way upstairs to their rooms.

We would’ve been really screwed if there was an actual emergency. There was no way everyone would’ve been able to get out because we were on a middle floor. Not to mention no one seemed to grab their id’s, medications, or extra clothing. Being a country girl, I was feeling a little trapped on the higher floors. But I was too tired to worry much about it.

The next morning we left the hotel early to do some sightseeing on the tour bus. Our main stop for the day was Pearl Harbor. There were a lot of exhibits to see. Paul had to check everything out, but I wasn’t feeling well. At home, I felt like my medications were finally right. But flying seemed to throw everything out of whack. I wasn’t sure I was going to take the ferry ride to the memorial site, but I’m glad I did.

The atmosphere at Pearl Harbor was quite somber. The guide said we should treat the memorial site respectfully like we were at a cemetery. We were to be quiet on the ferry and not use our phones except to take pictures. Afterwards we watched a short film about Pearl Harbor. I never really understood the magnitude of the destruction until I was there to see it. And I still cannot imagine what they went through.

The memorial stood over the place in the water where the U.S.S. Arizona sunk entombing hundreds of men.

The day after the Pearl Harbor tour, we had one more full day left in Oahu which we spent on Waikiki Beach. I had imagined it would be full of surfers riding huge waves, but it wasn’t like that. There were a few surfers but nothing like the 10 foot waves I was thinking I would see. Honolulu was a huge city. Its waters were filled with sailboats and cruise ships.

Waikiki beach at night

One thing we saw right away was a rainbow. We found out that Hawaii is the rainbow state. They have a rainbow on their license plate. We don’t see rainbows that often at home, but while we were in Hawaii we saw at least one rainbow every day.

Being a large city, one thing I found odd about Honolulu was that there were chickens running around everywhere. You could see them running wild on the side of the highway. They have a rather large population of wild chickens in the city. They also have wild boar on the island, but we certainly didn’t see any roaming around the city. Surprisingly the menus in most restaurants were very limited to burgers, pizza, and pork dishes.

Aloha!

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

Paul and I just got back from our trip to Hawaii. Over the next several days I will be posting about our travels. I’m glad we were able to go. It was looking iffy about whether or not we would be able to go. Arabella was in crisis mode right before we left experiencing mania and psychosis. I felt like it would totally crush my spirit not being able to go. But I also felt guilty about leaving her. Some time there is not such a thing as good timing.

Paul and I worked hard to make the trip possible. We set up a meeting with a social worker who is working on getting Arabella a case manager. We had Alex and Lexi set up to watch over Arabella and our pets with Angel and Dan being the backup for them. Then we also had our best friends being backup for our adult children.

We were gone over Easter which was a different experience altogether. I felt a little bad for leaving over the holiday because I didn’t want Alex and Lexi to have nowhere to go. Arabella was spending the holiday weekend with my mom. Thankfully Angel’s in-laws invited Alex and Lexi over for dinner and even got them little baskets of candy. It warmed my heart to see them having a nice time without me.

I was worried about how things would go at home. But like most of my fears, the bad things I worried about didn’t end up happening. And the things that actually did happen were not expected. Such is life.

We ended up having a snowstorm at home while we were gone and the power was out for over a day. The power came back on in the wee hours of the morning right before we got home. Thankfully the refrigerator was pretty empty so we didn’t lose a lot of food. There are still some people without power from the storm. The yard is full of sticks and small branches from the strong winds which is really making the dogs happy.

Overall, though, everything went as good as it could. The medication is finally working and Arabella is no longer psychotic. She is doing so much better which is a great relief for us. We are slowly digging out of the pile of laundry, emails, and cleaning. The house is still standing.

We had a wonderful getaway.

Green light, red light 7

/ Outrunning my demons / 2 Comments

It has been a whole month now since the mania and delusions started. Arabella is gradually getting better, but these kinds of medications take time to kick in fully.

The endless pacing back and forth has gotten slower but she can’t sit down. When she talks her voice isn’t as loud as if she is yelling. She no longer talks non-stop but she is still constantly interrupting conversations. Having a conversation in the room she is in is next to impossible. If we go in a different room, she might knock on the door.

She has become like that of a young girl, around 6 or 7. She has given up smoking. I’m not sure if it is because she now thinks she is too young or even if it will stick after all this is over. If it ever ends.

The voices in her head are quieting. I didn’t know she heard voices. She told us she thought everyone heard voices. Sometimes the voices told her to do awful things like cut or kill herself. Sometimes the voices she hears are like my voice. It can almost make sense to me why she thought I was tormenting her.

It’s exhausting. At times the suffering and grief is unbearable. Sometimes I think this is going to kill me. Sometimes I don’t even care if it does.

I am envious of people who in times like these can lean on their faith to bring them peace, comfort, and hope. As a seeker, I never can seem to find what I’m chasing after.

Why has this been what is chosen for me, my daughter, my family.

Green light, red light 6

/ Outrunning my demons / 3 Comments

Several times during her hospital stay, Arabella put in requests to come back home. On day 10, we picked her up and brought her back home. She was doing better, a lot better than when we took her in. But she was still manic and delusional. Maybe our expectations were too high. Or maybe we picked her up too early.

She didn’t sleep the first night we brought her home. The hospital changed all her medications. Then when she got home, she took her old nightly medications. It was a jumbled up mess so we decided to call her psychiatrist’s office in the morning to figure it all out. The process of figuring everything out took the whole day. By that afternoon, things got progressively worse. Arabella was very manic and kept interrupting us every few minutes to tell us a bunch of nonsense. By late afternoon, Arabella told us she took a couple of gummies and smoked weed. She was stoned out of her mind, and totally freaking out.

My mom stopped by for a random visit right around that time. She wanted to go for a walk, but I was in the middle of a million things. It’s nearly impossible to get all the things done I wanted to get done when I’m constantly interrupted and in crisis mode. That is when we received a call back from the doctor’s office. Paul and I took the call in Paul’s office on speaker phone while both my mom and Arabella came in and talked to us while we were having a serious discussion with the nurse. We were beyond annoyed, frustrated, and stressed.

The nurse said the doctor wanted to discontinue some of the new meds from the hospital while adding back some of the old meds and discontinuing some others. They were going to call the prescriptions into the pharmacy and would be available two hours before the pharmacy closed. She was going to need to start the new medications that evening. I was going to need to figure it all out before she went to bed. I took a bag full of her medications on hand and went through everything while waiting for the pharmacy.

I needed to go through the meds, fold laundry, and make supper before picking up the meds. My mom tried calling several times while I was getting everything together to make supper. I figured she wanted to talk about Arabella since she left while we were on the phone with the doctor’s office. I ignored her call because I was in a real hurry and didn’t want to take the time to explain everything yet again.

Then Paul came into the room while talking on the phone. He asked whoever it was if they were going to be arrested. I knew he wasn’t talking to Arabella since she was in her room. It was my mom. He said that while she was on the way home she hit a guy on a motorcycle with her car. He said that I needed to go pick her up from the scene of the accident. He said my mom was okay. The guy on the motorcycle was alive but injured.

While in a crisis, we got hit with yet another crisis. I abandoned supper to get ready to pick up my mom. Paul said he would pick up the medication before the pharmacy closed. He wanted me to do it originally because it was my strong suit. On the way out the door, I called my best friend Cindy on the phone. She lived a couple blocks from the accident. She told me I should come over to her house and she would drive me because I was way too shook up myself.

Cindy and I picked up my mom from the place where they towed her car and the motorcycle. Good thing Paul picked up the medication because the pharmacy closed before I got home. The pharmacy screwed up the medication. But at least they gave her a prescription for something she was no longer using. The hospital also gave her an injectable medicine the day she left and I got a prescription bottle with a vial of the injection in it.

While all of that was happening, I received a call from Alex’s friend. It was his 21st birthday that evening and they wanted me to come out celebrating with them. It was a sweet gesture that my kid’s friends also think of me as their friend as well. Paul was just meeting with this young man and helping him set goals to get his GED which he just finished. I will always think of my kid’s friends as children even when they are in their 20’s and able to go out to the bars. If anything, I was worried that they would all make it home safely. Especially after the kind of day I was having.

They weren’t the only ones on the road. Dan and Angel were just getting home from a vacation in Japan. The flight back home was a rough one, then they had to drive another 4 hours to get back home. I was anxious all around. My nerves were shot and I didn’t know how much longer I could handle the stress. Bad news doesn’t seem to shock me anymore.

Now I find it shocking when good things happen.

Green light, red light 5

/ Outrunning my demons / 2 Comments

Another crisis was averted when Arabella rescinded the release order she signed the day after her voluntary commitment. Paul and I decided it was time for us to visit Arabella.

We arrived during adult visiting hours in the evening. Once again we had to lock up all of our belongings including our cell phones and sat in the waiting room with a sad lot of people. Like in an elevator, no one looked long at each other. We all got swept by the metal detector screening us for weapons. Then with a buzz the outside door unlocked and we silently walked down the long hallway into the cafeteria where we waited for our loved ones to arrive.

It seemed like we waited a long time for Arabella to arrive. Everyone else arrived before her. We watched while the others embraced with a smile and sat down as if in a regular restaurant to have normal conversations. Arabella arrived in disarray clutching a notebook with the word password written on it. She said password was the password and if we could read it, we could look inside. She cautioned us that the hospital was bugged. First we had to bug the system to debug the system. It was strange because they were having issues with their phone system which Arabella slid comfortably into a delusion that everything was bugged so we had to go to a different algorithm.

Arabella said she was a genetic freak. She was born of one woman and two men. She had an extra chromosome. She said she was colorblind, men can only see primary colors and women can only see secondary colors. She said she liked apple juice because she ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. When she ate she knew all the answers to all the problems of the world.

She said she needed Bryan to come to the hospital because he was her soulmate, her other half. Her bloodwork wouldn’t be complete without him coming in the have his blood drawn. They were storm chasers and she could leave now because it wasn’t storming. She spoke of science, DNA, physics, time travel, and biology. The things she was saying had an iota of truth but was jumbled and didn’t make a lot of sense. She was unable to hold a conversation with us.

But the most troubling thing was that she was slurring her words off and on. We noticed that when we were talking on the phone several times but thought maybe it was from being sedated. She held her mouth funny at random times and words almost seemed to whistle through her teeth. She said she couldn’t talk because no one ever showed her how to talk right. She also said no one ever showed her how to brush her teeth and she had gingivitis.

We were very concerned about her new symptoms. Then she started singing. They said sometimes she would sing loudly in her room. When visiting time was over, the patients had to line up on one side and the visitors on the other. Arabella went her own way and started to take one of the signs off the wall. We told her she couldn’t take the signs off the wall.

We left in shock. Our daughter was still gone. Would she ever be the same again?

Green light, red light 4

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

The aftermath after our daughter was committed was like that of a bomb going off. We were left with shattered lives and broken pieces of rubble. Shards impossible to put back together even as it was a few weeks before everything crumbled.

I can’t find the way back.

We both walked around like zombies afterwards. It’s even hard to focus enough to tell this story adequately. But that’s all a part of being in crisis mode. In utter despair our tears fell to the ground. Arabella was doing so well for the first six months after jail living at home. She found a job. We gave her a stable environment and that gave us a false sense of hope and control. The stress of her tonsillectomy was enough to send her into a relapse worse than we ever saw her in before. She was seeing things and talking to people who weren’t there.

I can’t find the road she is on.

The prognosis bleak, the illness severe. But it’s not the kind of illness where anyone brought her flowers and sent her cards to get well soon. There will be no speedy recovery. Schizophrenia, people shudder in fear and stay away as if it’s contagious. It’s not the mental illness offering up cutesy meme’s of awareness and support. It’s scary and shameful without go fund me and caring bridge pages.

I can’t find anyone who really cares.

I don’t want to talk about it over and over again to people who don’t understand. It’s exhausting in every possible way. I feel tired when I wake up. Bipolar mania, she needs support day and night. She needs support when I need to sleep. No, you can’t buy a snake. You talk too long and too loud. I need a break just to get the things done I need to get done.

I don’t have the strength to do this anymore.

Borderline personality disorder, sometimes you love me and other times you hate me. Which will it be today? It’s too much trapped inside of one body. Finally the doctors were seeing in the hospital what we were seeing at home. Right away, she signed an AMA (against medical advice) to come back home. They had 24 hours to evaluate her before she was going to come back home. Could we even take her back home? She had nowhere else to go.

I don’t know how to help her.

Sunday morning I tried to hide my swollen eyes as I went to church. I felt bitterness enter my heart. I didn’t want to see the happy healthy families. I don’t want to hear about kids going into the ministry. My daughter thinks she is God, does that count? It’s painful to see the normalcy all around me, like being impoverished while everyone is feasting on their riches. I don’t feel the joy or God’s blessings. I think I’ve been cursed since the day I was born. I don’t want to see suffering anymore. Sometimes I even get bored with my feelings of anger towards a God who is supposed to be loving.

Yet I can’t find the way.

What were we going to do? Where are the answers? What if she comes home too early in an agitated psychotic state? Do I call the police? Do I send her back to jail? Do I have her face her felonies or go to prison for an illness she didn’t choose and doesn’t have control over? How was I going to make hard decisions when I couldn’t even think? Decisions that could affect the rest of her life.

Yet I can’t find the way.

We had to find a way to get her to stay as if our very lives depended on it.

Where is the way?