Anxiety

Spring’s new start

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I started my new job yesterday. For the rest of the week I will be working remotely doing a new employee orientation. There are 60 some other people in the class with me. This will be the biggest company I worked for. I never thought at 50 I would be starting a new job in the healthcare industry, but here I am.

Since I last wrote, I took my mom to two of her appointments. At the appointment with the psychiatric nurse, I requested my mom to be taken off a medication that is hard on the brain as requested by the neuropsychiatrist. The next appointment was the first appointment with the neurologist. The neurologist seemed very concerned about the condition my mother is in. She only answered 11 out of 30 questions correctly. She was unable to think of any current events. She told the doctor we were going out to eat afterwards as the current event. The appointment lasted close to two hours. It was stressful to see how poorly my mom answered most of the questions. The doctor also said my mom had a movement disorder typically seen in the later stages of Alzheimer’s. Then the doctor ordered another slew of tests starting with a MRI.

Afterwards, my mom took us out to eat. Paul picked the restaurant as a reward for helping her keep track of Matt’s financial records. I felt bittersweet in the moment. I tried to enjoy the time with my mom but the doctor’s words rang in my head to start looking at care options soon. Her condition is not going to improve. In fact, quite the opposite is true. After going out to eat, we visited Alex at work in the music store.

The doctor said I should make sure my mom is taking her medication correctly when we got back to her house. Her pills were a mess. She had only one pill container where she put both AM and PM pills into it. I tried to help her straighten everything out but this only made her angry. She yelled at me to just leave her alone, but later apologized. I called her doctor as well because she was taking a lot of supplements and I was concerned. The whole experience resulted in another trip over with a new pill sorter with AM and PM slots and the removal of some supplements she was taking way too much of.

The trips to the doctors and bad news really took an emotional toll on me. I felt more empathy towards my mom than usual once I realized how sick she was. At the same time I felt conflicted in my mind over how toxic and difficult our relationship has been. Not everyone has close relationships with family they need to caretake. Something to be mindful of when I work in the ER.

By Friday I was ready to get out of town and make the drive to Milwaukee to see Alex’s band perform at a brewery. The venue was packed, and not just with people. There were a lot of dogs inside, kids running around, and someone even brought their pet pig. A younger man even brought his puppy over to me to hold. They said animals were allowed in the brewery because they didn’t sell food inside. However, they had food trucks set up outside and you could bring food in.

Paul and I stayed in a German Inn. The building was a hundred years old. We ate German food there and each had a flight of German beer. Everything was excellent. Then we took an Uber to see our son’s band play. I am so blessed to have two children who are very talented musicians. It’s amazing to see an audience adore them. We had a great time watching the band. Then afterwards we went to the bar with the band. We didn’t get to bed until 2 AM. I felt bad in the morning because we were probably really loud coming back to our room as I could hear the other residents awake early in the morning. It was a nice little getaway before work started though.

This weekend we will be seeing Alex’s band again and going to a film festival. I only work half a day on Friday and then I am going to get my 7th tattoo. I am getting outrunning my demons tattooed on my leg. This is something I was planning on doing once I finished my memoir. (Although, at this point, I can’t guarantee it is 100% done). However, this Friday would’ve been my grandma’s 100th birthday. As the most positive influence in my childhood, and the reason why I am here today (both literally and figuratively) I am also getting a tattoo on her birthday in remembrance of her.

My grandma passed away 16 years ago already. I am going to throw her a party by lighting every candle in my house surrounding her pictures, watching old family videos, and just sharing stories and remembering the good times with her. I am going to make cookies using her recipe because every time anyone would visit a jar of cookies would be waiting for them to take home. I want to say I will be making her favorite foods, but I really don’t know what they were because she would always make my favorite foods.

This past week I experienced a lot of ups and downs. The sadness of my mom’s deteriorating health. The joy of watching my son play in the band. A small getaway. Starting a new job in a new career. Not having the time to care for others as much with the start of a full-time job. I’m not sure if this is good or bad yet. Arabella had her doctor appointment today. This was the first appointment I didn’t go with her to in over a year. The doctor switched up her meds a bit. He also put her on a weight loss drug as her anti-psychotic meds are making her gain a lot of weight. But guess what? She managed going without me. It’s going to be a lot harder with my mom. But maybe other people need to step up and worry about it, not just me.

Breaking up

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It happened on Saturday night a few minutes before the band went up to play. Having another commitment, I didn’t show up until the band was halfway through playing. My son played magnificently, better than I’ve ever heard him play. Afterwards, I told Alex to do whatever he did differently every time because he did an amazing job.

He said funny I should say that because right before the band started playing, his friend called to say he saw his girlfriend with another guy. Lexi ran off to the bathroom when she was caught while Alex’s friend talked to the guy. Apparently Lexi has been going out with this other guy for 4 months. We were shocked. Alex and Lexi were together over three years. She was like a part of our family, and one of Arabella’s best friends.

My son was upset over the betrayal and wanted to smash all her things. Thankfully a friend stayed with him that evening to talk him out of doing anything rash. Sunday night Alex texted to say Lexi was over to pick up her things if we wanted to say good-bye. I went over first and told Paul he should be there to make sure everything was alright. Alex was filled with rage and was screaming at Lexi. For the most part, Lexi was quiet and didn’t look at us. Sometimes she cried or yelled back. It was the worst break up we witnessed. I tried to stay out of the fighting. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, but it was a little too late for that.

Lexi threw most of her things in garbage bags. Outside the drought had ended in a pouring rain. It was a blustery evening, a reflection of our emotions. Arabella came over after work, and I cautioned her that although she wanted to say bye it might not be the best thing for her. But she wanted to anyway. My stress level was through the roof. We were all in a state of sadness, grief, anger, shock, and anxiety. Arabella was crying. The fighting seemed like it would never end.

But then it did end as Lexi packed everything that was hers in her vehicle and drove away. I thought maybe she was the one. But that dream is gone and there is just an emptiness in the space she once occupied in our hearts. Arabella has been crying every day. She was a friend, a best friend who painted with her and went to the movies together. I worry about her. The day before everything happened she started going through another medication change.

Alex has been unreachable. He doesn’t want to talk to me about it beyond the anger. I worry about him. Things ended badly. It’s going to take some time to get through this. It was so unexpected. Lexi has a lot of issues, and I keep telling myself there is someone better out there for him.

Safe people

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I spent the last couple of days in Wisconsin Dells, the waterpark capital of America. I never really understood why the waterpark capital would be in state with such a cold climate. But I’ve learned not to question such things and decided to hop in the car for a little road trip. I was accompanied by my husband, son, and his girlfriend.

We were there to celebrate my son’s belated birthday. (His birthday was on Father’s Day). And more importantly, we were celebrating Alex going back to tech school and obtaining several certificates in music. He recently found a job in a music store which he seems to like. Meanwhile, he is still creating music and performing with his band. Maybe, at 24, he is finally finding his place in life and figuring out who he is and what he wants to do.

We went after rescheduling the trip three times. The weather this summer has been very odd. It seemed to rain every other day. Every time it rained, it really poured. But you know what they say about the third time. It was a real charm. We had sunny but not overly warm days. The best part, because it was so close to school starting, we didn’t have long waits in lines. We had a great time.

I didn’t go on very many rides. I never had a high tolerance for intense rides, but now my tolerance is much lower as I age. Lexi never went to the outside waterparks before. Thankfully she liked the intense rides so my son didn’t have to go alone. About half the time Paul went with as well. I didn’t mind sitting and watching. It was kind of fun to just watch them.

While I was at the bottom of the slide watching for Alex and Lexi, Paul left to head to the bathroom. He came back a few minutes later with a little girl and a baby in a stroller. What?? Apparently the little girl was frightened because she couldn’t find her parents. She came up to Paul and asked for help. She left the baby in the stroller and walked around with Paul in search of her parents. I went to the stroller and looked inside. There was a sleeping boy somewhere around 18 months old. The girl told Paul she was 6.

I felt a surge of anger rise up in me. What kind of parents would leave their 6-year-old in charge of a baby so they could go on rides?? After about 10 minutes, the girl saw her parents coming off of a ride and her anxiety and fear visibly turned into relief. Paul comforted her the whole time and reassured her that her parents were coming back for her. Then he delivered the kids to their parents and we were on our way. I asked him if he said something to the parents about keeping a better eye on their kids. He said he didn’t because the parents were from a different country with a culture different from ours.

I said it shouldn’t matter. Responsible parents don’t just leave their little kids behind to go on rides. Geez, what could possibly go wrong? Two little kids left alone around water not far from the wave pool. The little girl asking a stranger, a man by himself, for help. Good thing she asked Paul. And I was afraid to leave behind my phone to go on rides. A million scenarios were going through my mind about what could’ve happened to those kids, none of them good.

I wish I could say I didn’t see the kids again, or better yet I saw the parents taking the kids on rides. But I saw them two more times at the park. The second time I was sitting at a table waiting for my clan to get off a ride. There they were at the table next to me. I went over and talked to the girl who was sitting on the table. This time the baby was awake and babbling in his stroller. The girl was no longer afraid being left behind. She spoke to me until my group got off the ride and we left.

The third time I saw the kids, they were sitting at the same table. The girl was sitting on a chair dozing off in front of the stroller. It seemed like she had been waiting for a while. I felt fearful for them. I wanted to tell off the parents. Paul asked me what I was going to do that was going to change things for the kids. Paul was right, there was nothing I could do except be a safe person for those kids. Although telling off the parents would make me feel better, it could lead to a worse situation for the kids.

I had to let it go and focus more on what I can influence and change. In that moment, life was good. We were on a mini vacation celebrating my son’s accomplishments. The weather was good. The parks were quiet. And for a moment some tiny hands reached to ours knowing we were safe people.

Mental health awareness month

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Many of you are probably aware that May is mental health awareness month. Maybe you already shared the cutesy memes on social media stating you are a friend that anyone can call day or night. Maybe that is enough for you to feel good to check off your awareness month, and have moved on to planning your pride party for June. Or maybe you also live in Wisconsin and are stocking up on cheese curds for June dairy month. I know, I know…cheesy..

Or maybe you are like me and found out that mental illness is not all that cute. Maybe you or your loved one has already lost the friend that you can call anytime. Mental illness is tough. I’m sure everyone who struggles with it would remove that part of their life if they had the choice. It’s so painful and malignant, that far too many remove themselves from life altogether when it refuses to leave them.

Through NAMI, and talking with other parents whose children struggle with mental illness, I was surprised to find some striking similarities. I am not the only parent whose child attempted suicide. I am not the only parent whose child was incarcerated after a psychotic episode. I am not the only parent whose child, after making abuse allegations, moved in with another family. I am not the only parent whose child hears voices commanding them to end their life and soothing voices telling them how peaceful death is. I am not the only parent whose child has lost a lot of good friends because of their mental illness. I am not the only parent whose child was bullied because they are different.

I could make a much longer list. But the point here is awareness. Don’t blame the family. Don’t blame the mentally ill. Most would choose to change it if they could. Don’t shun them out of ignorance or fear. Treat them as if they have a potentially life threatening form of cancer. Treat them with compassion while being mindful of your own mental health as well.

Be kind to the server who has cutting scars all over her arms. For today, she has successfully battled the voices in her head. She has battled the voices outside her head sending similar messages about her worth. She has many battle wounds but is still alive fighting. That girl is also my daughter. But she could be your daughter as well. Or your son, sibling, parent, partner, neighbor, friend, or yourself.

Be aware that one in five Americans struggle with mental illness.

Green light, red light 6

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Several times during her hospital stay, Arabella put in requests to come back home. On day 10, we picked her up and brought her back home. She was doing better, a lot better than when we took her in. But she was still manic and delusional. Maybe our expectations were too high. Or maybe we picked her up too early.

She didn’t sleep the first night we brought her home. The hospital changed all her medications. Then when she got home, she took her old nightly medications. It was a jumbled up mess so we decided to call her psychiatrist’s office in the morning to figure it all out. The process of figuring everything out took the whole day. By that afternoon, things got progressively worse. Arabella was very manic and kept interrupting us every few minutes to tell us a bunch of nonsense. By late afternoon, Arabella told us she took a couple of gummies and smoked weed. She was stoned out of her mind, and totally freaking out.

My mom stopped by for a random visit right around that time. She wanted to go for a walk, but I was in the middle of a million things. It’s nearly impossible to get all the things done I wanted to get done when I’m constantly interrupted and in crisis mode. That is when we received a call back from the doctor’s office. Paul and I took the call in Paul’s office on speaker phone while both my mom and Arabella came in and talked to us while we were having a serious discussion with the nurse. We were beyond annoyed, frustrated, and stressed.

The nurse said the doctor wanted to discontinue some of the new meds from the hospital while adding back some of the old meds and discontinuing some others. They were going to call the prescriptions into the pharmacy and would be available two hours before the pharmacy closed. She was going to need to start the new medications that evening. I was going to need to figure it all out before she went to bed. I took a bag full of her medications on hand and went through everything while waiting for the pharmacy.

I needed to go through the meds, fold laundry, and make supper before picking up the meds. My mom tried calling several times while I was getting everything together to make supper. I figured she wanted to talk about Arabella since she left while we were on the phone with the doctor’s office. I ignored her call because I was in a real hurry and didn’t want to take the time to explain everything yet again.

Then Paul came into the room while talking on the phone. He asked whoever it was if they were going to be arrested. I knew he wasn’t talking to Arabella since she was in her room. It was my mom. He said that while she was on the way home she hit a guy on a motorcycle with her car. He said that I needed to go pick her up from the scene of the accident. He said my mom was okay. The guy on the motorcycle was alive but injured.

While in a crisis, we got hit with yet another crisis. I abandoned supper to get ready to pick up my mom. Paul said he would pick up the medication before the pharmacy closed. He wanted me to do it originally because it was my strong suit. On the way out the door, I called my best friend Cindy on the phone. She lived a couple blocks from the accident. She told me I should come over to her house and she would drive me because I was way too shook up myself.

Cindy and I picked up my mom from the place where they towed her car and the motorcycle. Good thing Paul picked up the medication because the pharmacy closed before I got home. The pharmacy screwed up the medication. But at least they gave her a prescription for something she was no longer using. The hospital also gave her an injectable medicine the day she left and I got a prescription bottle with a vial of the injection in it.

While all of that was happening, I received a call from Alex’s friend. It was his 21st birthday that evening and they wanted me to come out celebrating with them. It was a sweet gesture that my kid’s friends also think of me as their friend as well. Paul was just meeting with this young man and helping him set goals to get his GED which he just finished. I will always think of my kid’s friends as children even when they are in their 20’s and able to go out to the bars. If anything, I was worried that they would all make it home safely. Especially after the kind of day I was having.

They weren’t the only ones on the road. Dan and Angel were just getting home from a vacation in Japan. The flight back home was a rough one, then they had to drive another 4 hours to get back home. I was anxious all around. My nerves were shot and I didn’t know how much longer I could handle the stress. Bad news doesn’t seem to shock me anymore.

Now I find it shocking when good things happen.

Freezing to death

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I naively thought we might have escaped the harshness of winter with our unseasonably warm December and start of the new year. Until last week, that is. We got hit with several snowstorms and kicked the weekend off with a blizzard. Then we plunged right into arctic cold wind chills.

Paul was supposed to go on an ice fishing trip in the far north woods of Wisconsin. The mild winter only produced a couple inches of ice on the northern inland lakes and Lake Superior has open water. Usually by this time of year, people are driving their trucks on the lakes and have their ice shacks set up. This year with the weak ice followed by a blizzard then arctic cold, the trip got cancelled. Although the ice is forming fast now.

While Paul was gone, I had plans to go on an overnight trip to a casino. My friend Sue, who won a small jackpot months before, had to be present for a chance to win a car and $100,000. Paul said since his plans got cancelled, he would be willing to drive us there in his truck. But with the weather, we weren’t sure if we were going or not. Normally the trip takes us two and a half hours. But since half the trip is small towns and back roads, no doubt it would take a lot longer. The side roads would be snow covered and slippery since ice doesn’t melt in subzero temperatures if the roads are not plowed right away.

We decided to brave the trip. If we waited for perfect weather conditions in our state, we would be hibernating half the year. Late Saturday morning, Paul and I set off for our trip with Sue and her husband. We had supper at an Italian restaurant with really good food. Then we went to the casino. The drawing for the car and chance to win the money was at 10 PM. While there, I saw several people win big jackpots. The place was packed with jackpot winners waiting for their chance to win yet again. Sadly, Sue didn’t win. But we had a fun time anyway.

Arabella was home watching the pets. I spent a lot of my time worrying that the dogs were going to freeze to death. It was the first night we left the dogs for the night. Even if I am home, I am very paranoid the animals are going to freeze to death. Maybe the cats will sneak outside with someone. Maybe Arabella will let the dogs out then forget to let them back in. The maybes start swirling through my head faster than the snow in the blizzard winds.

Why am I always so worried about my animals when it is cold outside?? Then it hit me. As a child of around 13, I did have some animals freeze to death when I wasn’t home. It was probably around October and it was freezing at night. Two of my outdoor cats had kittens. One had 6 and the other had 4. One of the mama cat’s was a good mom and the other cat was not. The mama cats were sisters and they took care of each other’s babies. At night, I had to lock the cats in with their kittens because one would stay and the other would not.

We hardly went anywhere, but that night we got home late. Too late, in fact. One of the mama cat’s was with a box of babies and the other was not. The box of babies without the mama cat froze to death. My mom said I needed to bury the box of dead kittens. I found a shovel. It was dusk when I found a good burial spot. The ground was cold and hard. But I was able to dig a little hole. I put my hand into the box to pick up one of the fluffy kitties. I screamed when I touched the kitten’s little frozen body. I couldn’t do it. The kitten was so cold and death was so final for these babies. I started crying and threw the box, kittens and all, into the weeds.

I felt awful. Maybe their deaths could’ve been prevented if I didn’t go somewhere with my mom and brothers. I blamed myself. And on Arctic bitterly cold days, I can’t help but worry it could happen again.

The happenings of this week…

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It’s been a crazy week to say the least. Arabella had her final (hopefully) court date. Of her three felonies; one has been dismissed, one has been reduced to a misdemeanor, and the last one will be dismissed if she successfully completes two years of probation. After court, we walked over to the probation office to sign her up. She was in an upbeat and bubbly mood talking to everyone who came her way. Before court, I took her in for a haircut. She told her hairdresser she wanted to look good for court. Never a dull moment. Then we bought some nice shoes so she didn’t have to wear crocs to court.

The day before court, Paul and I went to a volunteer appreciation banquet. While we were there, a woman I volunteer with came up to me out of the blue and asked me if I was interested in adopting two beagles. The strange thing is that Paul and I were going to start a search within the next week or so for two beagles. The owner is an elderly man who is moving next week from a house to an apartment where he cannot take his dogs. He was getting desperate to find a good home for the pups where they wouldn’t be separated from each other. We set up a time tomorrow to meet the puppies and bring them back home with us.

I also set up a time to have a home visit for the cat I put adoption papers in for. I cannot believe that within a week or so I might have 3 new pets. I am very anxious about tomorrow to meet the puppies. I also have a doctor’s appointment with the GI doctor and I’m afraid it’s not going to go very well. I think maybe I have an ulcer as I have been sick for 3 months with stomach pain. It could be colitis again but it seems different this time. I’m not sure what is going to happen but it probably involves a lot more testing.

Along with all of that, I set up an appointment for my son’s car tomorrow. Just a quick recap. Alex got the car in November and it was totaled on Christmas Eve after someone blew a red light and smashed into it. The next couple months after that were spent fixing and rebuilding the car. Now the car is running rough and doesn’t have any pick up when you hit the gas pedal. Hopefully it is not a big deal and can be fixed affordably. But my worry is that the crash did something internally as well. My son has been borrowing my car and that hasn’t been working all that well because sometimes I need it. He decided to go back to school which I am very happy about, but he needs transportation beyond my car.

Being in the accident changed my son. Now he wears his seatbelt which he refused to do before. He always said if he saw he was going to be in an accident he would slip it on real quick. You can imagine how that worked out for him. At least no one got hurt. The other thing, he is no longer interested in riding a motorcycle because he thinks it is too dangerous. Maybe it was a good thing I didn’t end up getting my motorcycle license. He is planning on fixing up his motorcycle and selling it.

I am hoping Arabella learned some good lessons from her experience with the criminal justice system. Time will tell on that one. I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life being a pet mom again. I am hoping they will bring our household happiness and joy. As with most new adventures, it will be an adjustment.

Just a few more fireworks

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Tomorrow Arabella goes to court. I thought maybe she would be getting out of jail tomorrow, but now it’s doubtful. Again, I am anxious about her being in jail and about her coming home. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. On one hand I really miss her and on the other hand she is more volatile than a mid-July storm. I want the quiet boring life, but I’m afraid it is much too late for that.

We went up north for the fourth. Alex brought up a couple of friends the first night and the second night they wanted to stay again but we had family time in mind and there was some conflict about that. We came home for the 3rd and quickly cleaned to have people over for live music at night. It was all very last minute but we had a great time. By the time the actual 4th rolled around I was exhausted. My insomnia kicked in big time and physically I felt miserable. I’m too old for a 5 day holiday weekend.

At the last minute, my son had some friends over to light off some fireworks on the 4th. I told them it was okay but they had to shut everything down by 10. They started at 9:15 and at 9:30 the next door neighbor came out and started yelling and swearing at them. He said his baby couldn’t sleep and they had to work the next morning. Then Paul got upset and kicked everyone out. There was a lot of conflict between our son, ourselves, and our neighbor. Everyone apologized and it gave us a good opportunity to work things out, but it was stressful.

We are having problems with our 17 year old cat. It is getting close to the time where I need to think about putting him down. It’s a hard decision to make. My parents aren’t doing well either. My dad is still in and out of the ER after his surgery and can’t take care of himself all that well. My mom is starting to get dementia. To be honest, she was showing signs for over a year now. But I really didn’t want to accept it. Maybe she was just stressed out or tired. Then this past weekend, she told my niece she forgot how to use the oven and asked her for help so she could make French fries. So my parents are stumbling along with my dad being the mind and my mom being the one who can still get around. Very soon there will be some more hard decisions to make.

Meanwhile, Paul had an emergency at work that was very stressful but turned out okay. At times, we are completely overwhelmed. The doctor increased my anti-depressant and insomnia medication. The last several days I’ve been sleeping better which has really helped.

It’s my birthday this week, the big 49, my last year in my 40’s. We just found out that a friend of ours was in the ER the same time I was. Except she got bad news. Stage 4 lung cancer that went into her brain. She is my age. She just got her PhD a few years back and was starting to live the life she wanted and now this. Life sure is fleeting. I feel bad because although I am going to be okay, I haven’t really been enjoying life much lately. Sometimes I just muddle through and that’s not living life to its fullest. But for now I guess it’s good enough.

Hanging on

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I reached the end of my rope yet somehow still kept hanging on. An ambulance ride to the ER, two MRI’s, an EEG, and 25 vials of blood later nothing can be found wrong with me. I’ve heard that stress can kill you and boy did it do a number on me. I am feeling better, back to myself again. Or back to some sad version of me anyway.

My dad had his surgery, spent the night in the hospital, and was back in the ER the following day. But things have settled down. My brother Luke was in town and stopped by for a visit. It’s good to know we are on the same page. Our mom is starting to slip mentally. We are not sure what to do about it. She is not taking good care of our dad. But our dad made his own bed through a lot of bad decisions and has to live with that. We are going to play things by ear. Kind of like a watchful waiting.

Meanwhile, we are starting to prepare for Arabella to get out of jail. Yesterday we invited our old friend over whom we haven’t seen in over 10 years and told him our daughter was accusing him of raping her as an infant. It was a difficult but necessary conversation since Arabella spoke recently of contacting him when she gets out of jail. We know he didn’t do it. Come to find out he now lives a block away from us. I did a Google search on him and it pulled up his full address and phone number. If I could find him in two seconds, I know she will be able to as well. She could even walk to his house to confront him. We had to warn him. He had no idea why we would reach out after all these years. He thought maybe we were offering him a job or something not telling him he might have to watch his back and possibly file a restraining order.

This is the first summer I’m not really looking forward to. Life just has been way too serious lately and not very much fun. I’m not sure what life is going to look like when our daughter gets home. Plus now we have legal expenses and medical bills when I’d rather use the money for travelling.

On a good note, my husband, Angel, and Alex really stepped up when I was sick. I have a core group of people who are pulling for me. Through all of the stress, Paul and I are working together to keep our marriage strong. Although I’d rather not struggle at all, it helps to have a partner to go through this together. I’m not very hopeful for my daughter’s future, but we are doing everything we can to support her which I can say no matter what happens we did all we could.

We might have to put down our cat in the near future. He is around 17-years-old and is not in the best health. I know, I know…not a lot of good news, but that’s life. I’m just glad right now to be feeling better. What a wake up call. I thought I had MS. I had visions of myself spending a good chunk of the rest of my life in a wheelchair. It was terrifying and I can’t imagine having serious health issues. I think it opened my eyes in a new way to the suffering of others. It’s scary when your body doesn’t do what you want it to do. I couldn’t trust myself. I had to cancel the motorcycle class and I’ve decided to let that dream go.

I’ve been trying to deal with my stress in a healthy way. It got pretty scary when what was once working no longer seemed to work. I think I’m back on track again. We’ll see what happens.

Breakdown

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I think it started with the Mother’s Day letter I got in the mail Arabella sent me from the mental hospital. It was a well written heartfelt letter telling me what a great mother I am. When she called me later that afternoon from jail I was looking forward to talking to her. But since she wrote the good mom letter her mood had changed to me being a bad mom. The contrast from the letter to the phone call the same day I read it was from day to night. She accused my husband and I of horrible things to the point where my husband walked away from the call and I stayed. She blamed us for being shitty parents and that is why she is in jail.

It was that day I decided to let it go. I had to accept she is never going to change. Everyone had been harping on me to let go and let God. I don’t understand how people can find comfort in God. Although I loosely believe all I seem to find is anger and pain. I made the choice to let go and I stopped caring. I had finally reached the end of my rope. I drank more than I ever drank in my life. I just didn’t care. I didn’t even want to live anymore. I struggled with insomnia and nightmares. I woke up exhausted and my body ached.

Arabella called me about her delusion that an old friend of ours sexually assaulted her. She asked me what I thought of it. I asked her if it was possible she was delusional to think our friend raped her while she was sleeping as a child. She said what I was saying was correct, he didn’t rape her as a child but as an infant. She said she was planning on finding and visiting him when she gets out of jail. My stomach dropped. We have to find him before she does. He is in danger.

Meanwhile, my mom cancelled my dad’s surgery. I don’t think she wanted to take care of him after the surgery because she had plans for an extended weekend away to celebrate her sister’s birthday. She asked if I would take care of him. I told her I was busy. I had to work Friday and Saturday then had plans on Sunday to watch Angel complete her first half-marathon. Afterwards, Paul was going to show me how to do some paperwork for our business and we had some things we needed to do around the house because come Monday he was scheduled to work 9 days straight. It’s the busy season for our business.

My mom left anyway. On Saturday my mom asked if I could take care of my dad. She said he wasn’t able to carry food with his walker. I replied if dad needed me to help him give me a call and I would try to figure something out. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. That is when the tremors started in my arms. My mom never responded to my text but decided to come home early. She posted a picture of herself at home that evening on her BeReal looking disappointed.

The next morning I started having tremors in my hands, face, and legs. I was having a hard time walking. I hadn’t been feeling well and had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for later that afternoon. My son insisted on taking me after he saw my tremors. At the doctor’s appointment I was tremoring pretty badly. The doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong. She ordered a MRI and took 15 vials of blood. I didn’t bother trying to hide how stressed and depressed I was. I was always mistrustful of telling the doctor about the severity of my anxiety and depression and that I have PTSD. I was afraid I would be committed and medicated. But I no longer fear that because with my daughter I realized how much of a joke the mental health care system is. I did relent to being put on anti-depressants though.

The tremors turned into seizures where I was fully conscious. I started to think something was seriously wrong with me like MS. I had other symptoms too. My eyes hurt. They were blurry, puffy, and very sensitive to light. At times I had double vision. I stopped eating. Food stopped tasting good. I felt nauseous and my stomach was upset. I only ate a few bites once a day after being forced by my family. I couldn’t even be tempted by my favorite foods. I was still experiencing insomnia. I felt numbness and tingling in my arms similar to the feeling right before a blood pressure cuff is released. My body ached. I couldn’t focus on anything and the exhaustion was overwhelming. I struggled at times to think and speak. I thought my life was over.

My dad was in and out of the ER. One day my mom posted a picture of him on BeReal in the hospital in a gown on a gurney with a nurse taking care of him. I don’t know how I felt about my dad and the possibility of him dying. I can’t even remember the last time I saw him.

Thursday night Arabella called and said grandma was going to bail her out of jail if it was okay with me. We got into an argument. I felt angry with my mom thinking she threw me under the bus. I told Arabella she can’t get out because if she messed up again with the felonies against her it would mean prison. But she didn’t listen. Then I talked to my mom. My anger turned to worry. She was worried about my dad. She was worried because she thought my brother Luke was angry with her. She dumped her problems on me and I felt stressed.

By Friday morning of Memorial Day weekend my seizures got worse. I could barely walk. My mom texted me my dad was back in the ER. Then as Paul was checking on me from work, I had a huge convulsion where I fell to the floor. I hit my head on the refrigerator. Paul could hear me flopping on the floor. He called our son to come over and check on me. Alex found me convulsing on the floor. It wouldn’t stop and I had no control over it. Alex called 911 and told them to please hurry. He talked calmly to me, patted my arm, and told me I was going to be okay.

I could hear the sirens getting closer. The next thing I know there are a whole bunch of people in my house. They gave me a shot of Benadryl, but the seizures still didn’t stop. They strapped me in a chair and put me into a gurney then got me into the ambulance. They gave me another shot, this one was painful and the seizures stopped. They tried to put an IV into my arms but they both collapsed. They were talking about my veins out loud and I thought I was going to throw up. They finally got an IV in my hand. I felt tired and dizzy as I watched the traffic behind us as the ambulance took me to the hospital without the sirens on. I watched for my son’s car but couldn’t see him.

The next thing I know I was in an ER room. A few minutes later Alex and Lexi showed up with Angel and Dan. I could tell my kids were frightened and crying. Paul left work early and was on the way. My best friend works in the hospital and soon she was on her way too. They set me up to get a MRI right away, but the seizures started up again. This time they put me on a strong anti-anxiety medicine. Paul arrived right before they wheeled me into the MRI. I was in and out of dreams. I heard loud noises. My family went to the cafeteria and waited. They thought it would take a half an hour and it took two hours. They thought maybe I would die. At the end I was awake. I felt a lot of pain in the back of my head. I was becoming restless.

The doctor came in after everything was done. He said he was puzzled by my condition. The MRI turned out fine. I didn’t have a brain tumor and it didn’t show up anything concerning. They told me to contact neurology after the holiday weekend and sent me home. The seizures continued. I imagined my life in a wheelchair. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to be a burden for my family.

My daughter cancelled her plans for the weekend including going out of town for a friend’s wedding. She worked out of my house. She did the cooking and cleaned my house. She wouldn’t let me be alone for one second. She didn’t let me walk alone. My son helped out with appointments and wouldn’t let me leave his side while he was with me either. My kids really stepped up. Even their friends offered to help. Arabella didn’t know anything about it. Even my dad called several times to check on me which was puzzling because of our relationship. In those ways, it brought us all closer.

For the first few days everyone was amazing. They treated me like I was on my deathbed, all hugs and love you’s. Everyone thought I could die. Then they became desperate. My husband was sobbing because he felt helpless and didn’t understand why I was suffering the way I was. He never cries. He became a Google doctor. He thought maybe this was a side effect of my sleeping pills. He wanted me to stop taking them. So did my son. His girlfriend and Angel thought it was dangerous to just stop taking my meds. They were discussing me like I wasn’t even there. No one knew what to do.

Meanwhile, my mom went up north for the holiday weekend and left my dad home alone. My dad ended up falling in the middle of the night and calling the rescue squad. My sister-in-law Carla got into a fight with my mom up north. She screamed at my mom out in the yard, regardless of the neighbors around, for cancelling my dad’s surgery and not taking good care of him. She totally lost her shit and my brother Mark had to leave with her.

Arabella yelled at Paul saying he turned grandma against her. She said someone in jail might pay her bond if she does special favors for them when she gets out. My daughter could be showing up on our doorstep at any time. Without talking to me Paul asked my parents if they would take her in if she shows up. My dad went to the ER again. My mom told us my dad wants to die. Paul said to her well join the club. I thought my husband was going to have a heart attack he was so stressed.

I kept having seizures. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to die. At other times I felt a great amount of fear like I was going to be attacked. Any small thing could set me off.

They told me to get an appointment with the neurologist after the holiday weekend. The earliest they could get me in was the middle of July. They told me to call everyday to see if there were any cancellations. I was able to get in the end of the week. My husband raced me there like I was going to the ER. He was incredibly stressed and almost got into a couple accidents on the way. As I was sitting in the full waiting room I started having convulsions again. I started crying saying I didn’t want to do this anymore. They took me in to do an EEG right away. They also took 8 more vials of blood.

Although I didn’t get all the test results back yet, the nurse said she couldn’t find anything wrong with me. She basically told me in a polite way that it was all in my head. She didn’t think it was ALS or MS, she thought it was from stress. My husband was overjoyed exclaiming it was wonderful news. I was pissed. I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like I didn’t have any answers. If it’s all in my head why would my body do this to me? I can handle a lot of stress. I felt embarrassment and hatred towards myself. I just wanted to crawl in a corner and die. My husband asked why I wasn’t happy with the news. Did I want to die? I told him spending the rest of my life with a serious illness is not how I wanted to die. I just couldn’t believe my body would betray me like this. How could I trust myself? I had to cancel my motorcycle class. I’m not even allowed to drive right now.

After the appointment, I started to feel better. I’m not going to die. I started to eat again. Every day I’ve been having some small tremors but nothing major. It was a very traumatic experience for my family and I. Through it we learned some important lessons. I really matter to my husband and two oldest kids. They will be there for me if I need them. It was a wake up call to find a way to de-stress. In some ways it was a positive experience.

I really hope nothing like this ever happens to me again. I just wanted to explain what happened and why I was gone.