dysfunctional family

Christmas is (almost) over

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I bet you were all on the edge of your seat wondering if I made it through the holidays. I did!! This past weekend I took the Christmas trees down. Although, today, with our first named winter snowstorm it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas after an unseasonably warm December.

I usually take my tree down on New Year’s Day. I decided to leave it up a little longer because I was having a winter themed murder mystery party with friends on Saturday. The game ended up being stressful because one of the couples had to cancel last minute. I was desperate to find two more people. As a last ditch effort, I asked my son and his girlfriend to play. I was surprised when they said yes and even found costumes with less than an hour until game time. Although this was the most poorly written murder mystery game I’ve played, I had a great time with all our kids playing.

Sunday, Paul watched the Packer game with some family and friends while I took down the trees and decorations. Usually it is a sad time for me. But this year I was ready to let the holiday season and 2023 go.

The weekend before I hosted a Christmas party for my family and New Year’s Eve with friends. For the most part, everything went pretty well. My sister-in-laws at best seem to tolerate my side of the family. My SIL Emily is rather boring and comes from a close to perfect family. My nieces Eva and Gracie are closer to her side of the family. We are the ‘other’ family. Luke and Emily also have a foreign exchange student this year. She is kind of whiny and I think Eva and her leave Gracie out a lot. They showed up the night before. Gracie was sick. She was coughing so hard she threw up on herself. But everyone insisted she was fine. She just had a cough for a couple weeks.

My SIL Carla was in a good mood. There is a 50/50 chance she will be raging and pissy or the best SIL in the world by being friendly, fun, and exciting. Thankfully, she was the later. I found a recipe to make chocolate martini’s and her glass was never quite full enough. We had a great time playing games after all the hoopla.

The hoopla itself was another story. Dan and Angel had a sick kitten, so they weren’t sure if they were even going to come to the party. Thankfully, it all worked out. After lunch, Gracie, Carla, and I cleaned the kitchen. Gracie wanted to stay at my house for the week but wasn’t feeling well and didn’t bring extra clothes as she lives far away. I told her some day, hopefully soon, we will make plans.

After everything was cleaned up, it was time to open gifts. When we get together with my family, we buy my mom gifts and she buys everyone gifts but we don’t exchange gifts with each other. Usually my mom goes overboard on the gifts. This year was no exception. Well, except for Gracie. Gracie didn’t receive any gifts. I did order some gifts for Gracie on Amazon for my mom using her credit card. Her credit card listed some of the purchases as fraudulent although other purchases did go through. I told her she needed to call her credit card company. She did, but couldn’t verify what we purchased together so they cancelled her order and credit card. Although she did the same thing last year without problems. She forgot to bring Gracie’s other gifts. I could tell Gracie felt pretty hurt, but she was a good sport.

Then when it was time to go home, my mom didn’t know how to turn on her headlights and came back into the house for help. She got lost on her way to her extended family Christmas party two weeks before. I don’t know how much longer my parents will be able to stay in their house. I tried to talk with my brother Luke about it but he didn’t really want to talk about it. I didn’t have the chance to talk to Mark about it. We only get together as a family twice a year, so I probably won’t see my brothers until this summer. I want to have a plan in place before then.

New Year’s Eve was a bust. Not a lot of people were able to come; some were sick and other’s had family plans. My best friend’s son came with his family; his wife, a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn. It was hectic and it’s been a long time since I had to worry about childproofing. Everyone was tired out. We didn’t play any games. I fell asleep while everyone was watching the Packer game. Everyone seemed to have a hard time making it to midnight. My son had a party next door and everyone left right after midnight too.

The weekend before was Christmas Eve at my best friend’s. We had the kids over for Christmas day and Paul’s step-dad stopped in with his fiancé later that evening. It was an excellent weekend. Paul and I even bought each other the same gift. The weekend before that was my mom’s extended family Christmas party. I am all partied out.

I cried after Thanksgiving was over. But with back to back parties several weekends, eating tons of rich foods and desserts, making Christmas cookies and chocolate martini’s, I think I’m ready to go back to my normal life. I only have two more Christmas parties to go… But I am done hosting. Too much of a good thing can be exhausting and that seems to make it easier to let go. Not to mention that 2023 was not a good year to write home about. Good riddance! This year I hope to get the blessings and joy package instead of the trials and tribulation pack.

So far 2024 seems pretty decent.

The music mastermind, 2023

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A few weeks back, Spotify unwrapped 2023 came out. This year I listened to 89 different genres. It’s hard to believe there could even be that many.

Here are my favorites:

  1. Rock
  2. New Wave
  3. Alternative Metal
  4. Pop
  5. Hip Hop

I listened to 1,999 songs. I listened for 52,892 minutes which is the equivalent of 36 days straight putting me in the top 4% of listeners. You could say music is a big part of my life since it didn’t even count live music, music on the radio, concerts, albums on my turntable, church hymns, background music in the places I volunteer or shop at, and other people’s music.

My top artists are:

  1. Pink Floyd
  2. Lake of Tears
  3. Type O Negative
  4. Lana Del Rey
  5. Nirvana

My favorite songs are:

  1. In Wait and in Worries by Lake of Tears
  2. Black Brick Road by Lake of Tears
  3. Misery’s Dawn by Evereve
  4. Julia Dream by Pink Floyd
  5. So Fell Autumn Rain by Lake of Tears

Sadly, being the top 0.1% of Pink Floyd listeners, I never saw Pink Floyd in concert. But I listened to every song and watched every movie. I go to tribute band concerts when they are in town. I even got The Dark Side of the Moon tattoo.

Spotify said my listening style was a Mastermind. I’ve never been called a mastermind of anything before. LOL! Here is the description from Spotify of the mastermind: Knowledge is power, listener. Which makes you powerful indeed, as you like to study a wide range of different genres. Clever you. It’s true, I have a large storage of useless music knowledge and can identify songs with just a few notes.

I got my first radio when I was 5 years old and have been listening ever since. When I was a child, I wanted to be a singer. I played piano and even started writing my own music. But the piano was in a central location in our house and when I played my dad couldn’t hear his TV. He would yell at me for singing and composing telling me to stop my caterwauling and likened my singing to that of a dying cat. So I lost all confidence and stopped.

Although people told me a lot over the years that I have a beautiful voice, I spent too many of my early years quiet and depressed. I didn’t bother trying out for the special choirs in high school because my teacher disliked me. I was never picked for solos and even got kicked out of solo and ensemble because my teacher wanted me to be happy and expressive and I wasn’t all that. Looking back, I realize she wasn’t a good teacher with the ability to bring out the best in her students. I wanted to join the choir in college, but by that time I was convinced I sucked at music. Never mind a music degree.

As a young adult, I rediscovered my passion and talent for music and was overjoyed by the encouragement I received. People told me I was wonderful at singing. But I no longer play piano or compose music. I always thought I was a good singer but it was hard to believe in myself when some of the most influential people in my life didn’t believe in me. They didn’t even like the music I liked to listen to and would get angry when I would listen to it around them. I still have a passion for music, but no longer have the desire to sing and perform.

Now what I enjoy more than anything is watching my children succeed at music. Two out of my three kids are musicians. My oldest daughter Angel went to college for vocal performance. She is an amazing singer. She was singing before she even started talking. She has my voice with extensive training behind it. She graduated college with a Bachelor’s degree in Music in 2020 and walked right into an amazing job. Getting a job in the field with a music degree is almost unheard of, especially in 2020 when quite a few performers found themselves unemployed.

Angel is currently working full-time as a Recording Artist. She sings for a company that makes rehearsal tracks for choirs and schools. She also edits some of their music. It’s a very prestigious dream job for her. There’s a good chance if you are listening to a rehearsal track, you will be hearing my daughter’s voice. Sometimes she lets me listen to some of the songs she is working on and I just love hearing her sing. Although she doesn’t perform on stage anymore, since her job is very demanding of her voice, she also volunteers at the local community theater to help the performers learn their vocal parts.

My son Alex is going to school for Music Production and Audio Recording. He also performs in two bands. He eats, sleeps, and drinks music. He created over 600 original tracks and set up a small recording studio. He is also gifted with instruments and can easily take on how to play them. His main instrument he is phenomenal at playing is the saxophone. I’ve also heard him play the accordion, guitar, and can play intricate pieces on the piano by ear. His professor just won a Grammy and wants to do private lessons with him in the professor’s recording studio. I’m excited to see where it leads him.

Right now I am a passionate listener. I am enjoying my children be passionate about music and watching them grow with the opportunities I never had.

A lull in the storm

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The last couple of days have been the lull in life’s storms. Things are going pretty good and everyone seems to be getting along alright. Arabella for the time being seems to be fairly stable.

I have been keeping busy trying to find what brings me peace and joy. I started volunteering this week for a new organization, a sanctuary for rescue cats. Yesterday I put in an adoption application for a cat rescued from a hoarding situation. He came from a house with 88 cats.

I am hoping he does well with Arabella’s cat. But if he survived in a house with 88 cats, I’m sure he can survive in a house with one temperamental cat. There is so much information available now online on the best ways to introduce animals to each other. Before the internet, we just threw them together and hoped for the best.

Paul is thinking of getting a dog maybe within the next month. Although pets can be a lot of work, they also bring a lot of joy. We haven’t had a dog since ours passed away almost 2 years ago. We didn’t think a puppy would work well with our geriatric cat. But now our cat has been gone for a month already. Then a week later my daughter’s cat moved in. I really realized how much I enjoy having pets. That’s something I’ve been examining when I think about ways to reduce my stress.

I’ve also been saying no to things I might find stressful. I said no to going up to the cabin for Labor Day weekend. The extended family is more judgmental of my family than they are supportive. The last time we were all together for my mom’s birthday, I was really stressed out. There weren’t enough places to sleep for everyone. I suggested that my youngest niece, who just turned 14, could sleep on the couch. But my SIL said my niece couldn’t handle sleeping that far away from her mom. She slept with her mother in the double bed while my son and his girlfriend slept on the couch.

I was annoyed because my brother and his wife baby their kids so much. Teenagers sleeping with their mommies. Barf! My nieces are homeschooled and they don’t experience being around other people who think differently from them. They have been judgmental towards everyone in my immediate family at some time or another. It’s hard to be ‘on vacation’ and feel like you can’t be yourself around the extended family. Then my other SIL is psycho and screams at my brother. My dad isn’t allowed up at the cabin when the grandkids are around because he is a pedophile. My mom plays the victim and shows extreme favoritism towards my brother Matt who often burps, farts, and gags at the table. Yeah….no.

I even turned down the overnight family reunion because I thought that might be stressful too. Saying no to stressful things and saying yes to joyful experiences. Remember that friends are the family we choose. I like that saying. So this weekend, we are spending time with our friends.

It’s been awhile

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I know it’s been awhile. I’m going to try to get on here at least once a week for now until life settles down a bit. I’ve been doing pretty well considering how chaotic my life tends to be. I no longer wake up every morning with this feeling of overwhelming dread. I actually sleep fairly well at night too. I even dream and most of those dreams are not nightmares. Maybe being medicated isn’t all that bad.

Things have been going well since we last talked. We celebrated Angel’s 25th birthday by going sailing and anchoring out to swim during the day and having a party at our house at night. It was relatively drama free which is a plus. I have been busy helping Paul with work and then we took some friends out for the weekend on the sailboat. Today was my first full day at home in over a week and then tomorrow we are heading out to a resort a couple days for our 26th wedding anniversary. So far it’s been a good week. Tonight I am going with Angel, Lexi, and Alex to watch the Barbie movie. My son’s girlfriend is obsessed with Barbie so he wants to go along too.

The only bad thing that happened was that Paul had an accident on the sailboat when I wasn’t with him. He threw a spinnaker out in front of his sails and a storm popped up out of nowhere. Everything was whipping around in the wind and Paul ran out to grab the spinnaker line without his gloves on. He ended up getting 2nd degree rope burns on his hands. Then one of the lines went into the water and got wrapped in the prop causing the engine to stop. His hands had to be wrapped up like a mummy for awhile but they are healing nicely now. Thankfully everything ended up working out okay in the end.

Other than that, everything has been going well. Who knows, next week might be a different story. In fact, it will probably be. My mom’s 75th birthday is this weekend. She wanted me to throw her a party but couldn’t decide what she wanted to do until a week before her birthday which really doesn’t give me any time to plan things especially since I will not be home. Not a lot of people can go last minute. There is usually a lot of drama with the extended family.

My dad was back to urgent care this past week. He has another bladder infection and then he fell a couple days later. My parents insist on staying in their house and that they don’t need any help. It’s been stressful but at this point they still are competent so I am just waiting for something to happen. My mom has been rather harsh with my dad and my dad because of his own behavior has been ostracized from most of his family which adds another layer of complication to the situation. My parents are also the guardians of my brother Matt. I think everything is going to fall on my shoulders because my other brothers live far away.

Arabella goes back to court again next week. I’m not sure if she will be coming home or not. She has been in jail for 4 months now. Then several months ago I signed up to host Bunco next week. That’s bad timing because Arabella may or may not be going to court that day and in the evening I will be having 16 people over at my house. But my attitude throughout everything is that life goes on as normal, or as much normal as I can muster anyway.

I have come to the point of acceptance towards a lot of difficult situations in my life. Not that I agree with the poor decisions of others but more in the way of it is what it is. The best I can do is to be mindful of that and prepare myself for what is yet to come. I’ve survived a lot of difficult circumstances so right now I’m feeling confident I can handle whatever life throws at me.

Talks about moving back home

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I thought the meeting (after the argument) with our daughter about moving back home went really well. We came up with a list of boundaries and in the end, Arabella said she could work with the boundaries we laid out for her. She was talking a mile a minute and the thoughts in her head were swirling around faster than she could think them. She had two sheets of paper of scribbled up notes she wanted to discuss with us.

She trusts me again. Me, which is a lot of responsibility. She said she understands us now and we are not out to get her which has been a big improvement from where we were.

A couple days before Paul and Arabella had a fight about her selling images of herself online. Paul said he didn’t want her to do that kind of stuff under our roof. I agree with him, however I don’t feel as strongly about it as he does. We are taking her back at a low point after all. The last thing we want to do is control her. We did try before because she was a child. But now as an adult I don’t want to step in unless she or someone else is in danger. She wants to think of herself as an Instagram model and has plans to move to California when she is famous which according to her will be soon.

Maybe I don’t feel as strongly about it because porn has always been a part of my life. Maybe I’ve normalized it as a way to cope with it. I remember when I was 6 I got in trouble for showing a magazine to my cousin. Boy did I get in trouble. I think one of my brother’s might have taken a magazine to school. These are the images I saw as a young child and I wanted to grow up to look like that. That is a very hard standard to live up to especially as I age. I would be lying if I said that kind of material had no effect on me as I grew and developed.

As a very young child, my siblings and I had easy access to porn and we were curious. We looked at the images and as I got older I read the articles. (Yes, there were stories in the old time magazines). We watched some of my dad’s videos. My dad even gave some magazines to my brothers. This all happened while we were children. My mom turned a blind eye to it all and constantly preached to me about purity and waiting until marriage. She even bought me a purity ring. What a joke! It probably would’ve been more effective if she didn’t allow her children to be exposed to explicit material.

With the way I grew up, I find porn to be disgusting and repulsive. It’s a fight I can’t win in our culture. I understand that. But it was not something my kids had access to in my house from my husband or me. It sickens me to think about how big of a part it was in my childhood. It’s like having access to a loaded gun which we had access to too. I had to tell my parents to put away the loaded rifle behind the front door when I brought my young kids around. But that’s a story for a different day. It seems unbelievable how messed up my family is.

Things got worse with my dad. My daughter Angel and her now husband found child porn on my dad’s computer when he was fixing it. I am the daughter of someone who not only is addicted to porn, but to images with children. They went to the police, but nothing really ever happened with the case. My mom left for awhile but now is back and everything is going just great. What does that say to our kids? I’ll tell you what it says. Porn is acceptable. So why not make money off of it? There is no moral compass. No direction, no guidance, no support from the elders. It really makes me angry to think about how this addiction has destroyed my family of origin. It is an ugly and shameful addiction to the point of where my dad took it. I almost wish he was an alcoholic instead so I could go to meetings and get support.

With the exception of Arabella, who lived with my parents for awhile, my dad has not seen his other 4 grandchildren in over 3 years. This has been very confusing for my nieces who are younger. People always ask about my dad and it’s difficult. I have to give a bs excuse to why he isn’t involved. Most of the time I just tell people…no, he is not dead just sick very sick.

My husband’s boundary was to work towards more suitable employment. We want to try to help her out through this difficult time as she is breaking up with her boyfriend and moving out of the apartment they share. Little did we know that worse was on the way which makes this whole issue insignificant in comparison.

When we got home

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The last person I was expecting to see was the first person I saw when I got home. Will came over early in the morning to throw in some laundry for Arabella. He was too late as I already had a load going from our trip after leaving the luggage outside the night before to freeze any bug that may have come back with us on our trip.

I was worried about Will while on our trip. He with a broken hand and her with a bruised up face that didn’t come from his hand. It looked bad for him and I heard talk of some of the guys wanting to beat him up for what they thought he did. I blame my daughter for a lot of what happened, although Will was not completely innocent either. She treated him like garbage but was treated like the victim and him the aggressor. Almost everyone I talked to called him an asshole, piece of shit, and/or wanted to beat him up. But more violence wasn’t going to solve anything. I feel a lot of grief things worked out as poorly as they did. Now my daughter wants to move back home after their lease is up and I don’t know if I can go through that again but feel like I don’t have a choice.

Wednesday was a rough day having a lot to do when we got home and feeling an unexpected amount of jet lag. My brother and his family were coming over for the weekend for his daughter’s swim meet nearby. My brother called me that night. He already knew Arabella and Will went to jail. My mom called him to talk about it right away but she never called me. What a fool I am to think and hope my mom, my parents, would offer me support.

We had a nice Saturday at my niece’s swim meet. It was my dad’s birthday that Saturday. I didn’t call him or send him a card. I was planning on talking to him with my brother Luke but it didn’t work out that way. I didn’t know when Luke was talking to him and I fell asleep on the couch. Sunday we had plans to go out to eat with Paul’s step-dad Darryl who turned 70. His fiancé said to invite our kids. I didn’t want to invite Arabella. Was her face still bruised? Did she still have a black eye? Would she bring Will? Would she cause a scene? But everything went fine and her face was healed.

On Sunday afternoon I called my parents, and wished my dad a happy birthday. My mom told me how she made my dad all his favorite foods. His friends stopped by and gave him a funny card and how other family remembered his birthday. I was the only one who acknowledged his birthday from my household and I got the guilt trip. I felt traitorous for getting everyone together for Darryl’s birthday while ignoring my own dad. It was an awful feeling but I have to remember he caused his family to be estranged from him by his own actions. I am not responsible for the messes everyone gets into but yet sometimes I feel like I am.

Later that afternoon, Paul and I were trying to relax after the long weekend by having a few drinks and playing cards when the doorbell rang. Hardly anyone rings the doorbell and we weren’t expecting anyone. The police were at the door. I almost had a heart attack, or a panic attack, or whatever. Seeing a cop at your door is never a good thing when you have a suicidal daughter. For a brief moment fear coursed through my veins and I thought I was going to pass out.

The officer was looking for my son’s roommate. Someone called the police on him because they said he was driving erratically, not stopping fully at stop signs, and was possibly drunk. They followed him home and sent the police to our house. The officer asked if I noticed anything unusual. I said I noticed he went for a walk which seemed kind of strange. Paul went looking for our son’s roommate next door and couldn’t find him which lead the officer to think he was avoiding him because he was drunk. I said I would find him and he was in the apartment kitchen putting something in the microwave. He was totally sober and said there was a lady riding his ass all the way home. The officer talked to him a few minutes and was on his way.

I was pretty upset for the rest of the evening. We live in a hoity-toity neighborhood. There is a Facebook page dedicated to moms who have nothing better to do besides posting pictures of young guys driving through with loud mufflers. We are the Beverly Hillbillies. My husband drives a 10 year old truck and I drive a Kia, not a Lexus or BMW. My son’s roommate drives a junker that is probably older than he is. Some Karen probably got her panties in a bunch and called the police. It’s ridiculous. And here I thought somebody died. I am afraid of that though. I don’t know if my husband and I are going to be able to handle our daughter moving back home again. Just the thought of it is overwhelmingly stressful.

Too late

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Last week was a hard week for me. Although I’ve been toying with the idea for years, I think I’ve finally accepted the fact that my mom is a narcissist. It threw me into a PTSD loop of nightmares, insomnia, panic, hopelessness, and despair. My normally high hypervigilance skyrocketed. One night I even awoke in terror because the furnace was making a different humming noise in the vent of my bedroom. I had to constantly tell myself I wasn’t in danger and I felt frequent paranoia I was.

I had plans with my mom on Wednesday which she cancelled and pushed back until Thursday because she heard the weather might be bad. It wasn’t all that bad, schools weren’t cancelled and my son wasn’t called in to work. So I made other plans for Wednesday. I had a lot of errands to run and was getting ready to go when my mom texted me saying she changed her mind and wanted to come over on Wednesday instead. I told her it wouldn’t work out and she said maybe Thursday which I replied okay.

Thursday morning came and went without a peep from my mom. Then she texted me saying she was going to come over after lunch. I told her it wouldn’t work because Arabella called and asked me if I could take her to her doctor appointment since she didn’t have a car. The morning would’ve worked but the afternoon didn’t. Then my mom asked me what time the appointment was and said she would come over an hour before I had to leave to go for a walk with me. I told her it wouldn’t work because an hour before I had to leave just wasn’t going to work for me.

Then I asked my mom if she wanted to go along with me on Sunday afternoon to do some volunteer work. She said she had other plans which was fine. Then she asked me when we could get together instead. I replied I had a really busy week but could get together on Friday, tomorrow. Then she asked me if there was any way I could make room for her in my very busy week. Again, I replied yes on Friday I have the whole day open.

On Saturday night I planned a birthday party for my best friend with our husbands and another couple. We had reservations to go out to eat and to a comedy show. Shortly before leaving my mom tried calling and I didn’t answer. While out with friends I got a barrage of texts from her. Are you mad at me? Why are you avoiding me? She asked if I was angry because she gave Angel a hard time. Lately my mom has been getting a rise out of me by targeting my daughter. My mom said everything was fine because she apologized to my daughter and I shouldn’t be angry with her about that. I ignored the texts because I was out with friends and wanted to be in the moment with them. But it was very upsetting to me.

On Sunday morning I texted my mom back telling her that she cancelled out on me and I had made other plans. I told her I tried to get together with her on Sunday but she had plans. She did not acknowledge anything I said and asked me again if I was mad. Then she wanted to know what I was so busy doing I couldn’t get together earlier. Well, yes, I am feeling quite pissed now. I hope tomorrow I get COVID or the stomach flu. Her controlling and manipulative behavior was very triggering to me.

I never considered until this past week that I endured a lifetime of narcissistic abuse from her. It was so subtle. She wanted to force a life for me I never wanted. She picked out the clothes she wanted me to wear. For example, for junior prom one day she came home with a prom dress for me to wear. I hated it but wore it anyway. She tried to dictate the music I listened to and even my relationships with other people. I was her best friend and she openly disapproved of everything I wanted that she didn’t want for me. She guilted me by always being the victim. I had to comfort her but she was incapable of comforting me. She is never happy for me. She never wanted me to leave her and live my own life. She always had her best interests in mind front and foremost. I never really looked at that fully until now.

Now as I look back at my life I feel this overwhelming grief. I lost my childhood. There was never peace and joy in my household just pain and suffering. Why do I expect to experience something now I’ve never experienced before? I have no idea how it works. Something as simple as peace.

I should have left a long long time ago. I grew up with my dad being emotionally/verbally abusive. He constantly told us we were stupid and his favorite thing to do as a dad was to terrorize us by the things we were most afraid of. Then there was Matt, my autistic brother who physically abused us. It was pretty bad. Then my mom with her narcissistic abuse. I am angry at myself for not walking away. I put my life on hold because I was the dutiful daughter always ready to help. My mom needed me. I went to the college closest to home. I went to college with dreams of being a counselor because I felt pretty confident I could do that. Then I could take everything I learned and fix my dysfunctional family.

The problem was that I cared too much. I got suckered and fell into the manipulation and control. I thought I could change things but instead over time there was new and creative ways my family of origin caused pain and suffering. If I could go back in time I would leave home and go to college in a place far away. I would’ve went to school for microbiology or God forbid be an English major working as an editor or writer. I didn’t even start writing until I was in my 40’s. (I did have diaries as a teen but my mom read them and got angry for what I wrote). I would’ve joined the college choir. But I wasn’t good enough. I was too stupid. An idiot who didn’t know how to do anything right.

I want to leave, I really do. What’s worse is that my son’s girlfriend comes from a family like mine. Because she is kind and compassionate I see them doing to her what my family did to me. When I hear about the things they do that hurt her I want to tell her to leave because it is never going to change or get better no matter how hard she tries. I want her to leave her abusive relationship with her parents. But how can I tell her that when I won’t leave mine? My therapist said it’s not too late to leave but I don’t really know how. At this point I feel like it’s too late.

The hidden

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Do we ever think about the hidden secrets beyond our knowledge after all the horrible things we already found out? This question has been haunting me since Lexi asked me this yesterday. What don’t I know about my family?

My son’s girlfriend has been opening up to me about her life. Alex and Lexi have been together almost a year and a half now. Sometimes she will come over just to talk. It’s strange because I see many parallels between her life and mine. I won’t share with you the details because it’s not my story to tell. But I can say she experienced a tremendous amount of suffering in childhood.

Sometimes I see myself in her. It was hard finding friends who could relate. I remember being the girl not fitting in with others entering adulthood with fresh memories of a carefree childhood. I never had those stories to tell. I felt like I just exited a war zone when I entered adulthood. Childhood was a time of worry, fear, and stress that left me careworn with a lifetime of fighting anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I could never get that time back and change it into something I wanted. It’s hard to explain that weight to someone who didn’t carry it.

I understood when Lexi said she didn’t want to totally cut her family out of her life. She said there are so many layers to it. How can you walk away when you are conditioned to be a lifeguard trying to save the family from drowning while they are always pulling you under? I told her it is okay to limit her contact with them although that is something I still struggle with doing myself.

Sometimes Lexi will talk to me about her relationship with my son. She talks more in a relational way instead of a complaining way. But sometimes I’m not sure what to say or do. My son still has not met her family. He has no intentions of meeting them because they are not good people. But how is that going to work if they get married or have children? They both do not want him to meet her family. I don’t understand. I usually wanted significant others to meet my family early because that could be the make it or break it point. How else do you really get to know somebody?

I’m not really sure what to do. Maybe I should just keep listening as someone who kind of understands instead of trying to fix things. Maybe this is what having a daughter-in-law is like. My son rarely sits down and has little talks with me. I’m glad she is opening up to me and we get along well. What more could I ask for?

Although she really did make me think when she asked me what I thought remains hidden that we just don’t know after all the horrible things were revealed. For the longest time I didn’t know the truth but it was still there. There is probably still a lot I don’t know. I never really thought about it before and that’s a scary thing to overthink about. Dealing with what I know is already hard enough.

This uncertainty, part 1

/ Outrunning my demons / 5 Comments

Lately I’ve been struggling a lot with indecision and uncertainty. Where do I even begin?

I’m not certain how I feel about my mom right now ever since she sent a picture to my daughter of her ex-boyfriend on her wedding day. Last week I talked to my therapist about it. She asked me how I don’t hate my mom. I don’t really…hate my mom. I just need space.

I just don’t understand how she could do something like that. Was it intentional? She had to dig back pretty far into her photos to find that one. Was she jealous my daughter asked me to be a bridesmaid? She is always making comments…must be nice…but it doesn’t sound nice. She was the one blemish on an otherwise perfect wedding day. My therapist said it doesn’t matter whether it was intentional or not. The issue is that my mom is always being the drama queen.

If it’s not one thing it’s another to try to get my attention. My mom has been to urgent care twice in the last week or so. Neither time for anything serious. The last time it was for a fever of 100. She has been calling and texting about how sick she is.

I’ve only seen her twice since the wedding a month ago. It’s been nice. I think twice a month is enough for me. But I know if I push back she is going to smother me. I just don’t know if it’s worth the fight.

I have to start planning Thanksgiving and Christmas. That’s another thing, my mom never once hosted those holidays. I started taking it on after my grandma no longer could when I was in my 20’s. Seems kind of young looking back now. I think I feel a lot of resentment towards my mom for that. Sometimes my brother Luke would take it on and he’s younger than me.

This year everyone is invited to the big extended family Christmas party regardless of vaccination status. Last year we were not invited because my household is of a mixed status. Now we are invited but I don’t really want to go. I probably will anyway because the aunts and uncles that are currently not in the family feud went out of their way to be great towards my daughter on her wedding day. Better than my mom was. Actions speak louder than my mom’s words. She sometimes exaggerates things to stir up drama and I can’t overlook that.

I’m not really sure what to do about my mom and my relationship with her. So far I’ve opted to do nothing and be noncommittal which is the opposite of how I try to live my life. I don’t know seems to be my answer for a lot of things these days and I don’t really like it. I’m the type of person who always has to have a plan.

My mother is a narcissist

/ Outrunning my demons / 3 Comments

Looking back it seems so obvious. Right now I’m feeling glad my mom sent my daughter a picture of her ex-boyfriend on her wedding day. I am angry, upset, confused, and sickened by it too. But what I am glad about is that this has been a wake up call for me. Anything else I could accept or take, but not this.

My whole life my mom has been manipulative and controlling. She had a way of making me feel guilty for not wanting to be the person she wanted me to be. She didn’t like my friends, my hobbies, the music I liked or the clothes I picked out to wear. She didn’t even like my husband when she met him and tried to set me up with my ex-boyfriend. Nothing was wrong with my choices, she just didn’t like them and made me feel bad for wanting something different.

She wanted to be the favorite grandma to my kids and often bought them expensive gifts the other grandma couldn’t afford. She used her money to control. She used guilt. She always tried to push back on boundaries. Her favorite cards to play are victim, martyr, and heroine.

I was thinking a lot the last couple days and I have a lot more thinking to do. The main reason why I was angry at my siblings in the past and more recently with my Aunt Jan was because of things my mom said they said about me or my family. There is a hint of truth in what she says, but she exaggerates it causing drama. I can’t believe anything she says.

My mom always wants to be the center of attention. She was angry she didn’t get to sit facing the head table. She was probably upset my dad couldn’t be there. She was probably upset my brother Matt couldn’t go to the ceremony. But what I think really upset her was the fact that I stood up in my daughter’s wedding. Lately she has been making passive aggressive comments towards me in jealousy. She is never happy for me. It must be nice that you get to do things I never got to do…

I am trying to turn something negative into a positive. Don’t get me wrong, I am still pretty upset by what she did. In some ways it has been freeing.

Here are the ways I am going to deal with it in the future:

  1. I am going to talk to safe people as a sounding board. I am going to talk to my therapist about how to deal with this.
  2. I am going to be writing about it and processing it.
  3. I am letting go of my anger towards my aunt and other people my mom told me said bad things about me. Part of this is on me. I took my mom’s word to be true. Instead I should have called my aunt and worked any potential conflict and hurt feelings out with her directly.
  4. I am going to communicate better with my brothers instead of having my mom relay messages. Last night I talked to my brother Luke for an hour and cleared some things up.
  5. My mom is a toxic person and I want to limit my contact with her to twice a month. This is going to be really hard because she walks all over my boundaries.
  6. I want to be more genuine to myself around her.

These are all thoughts off the top of my head. I’m sure I will be thinking about it a lot more over the next several weeks. This has been a very eye opening experience for me and I’m just starting to process another layer of garbage in my life.