Maui, Hawaii

April 18, 2024 / Outrunning my demons / 2 Comments

On Easter morning, we left Big Island and got on a 35 minute flight to Maui.

It didn’t feel like Easter. I wondered how things were going at home. Arabella was spending Easter weekend with my parents. Dan and Angel were spending the day with his parents. But as far as I knew, Alex and Lexi didn’t have anywhere to go. It’s complicated because Angel and Alex don’t want anything to do with my dad (rightfully so) and haven’t seen him in over 4 years.

Then I saw a picture of Alex and Lexi with Angel at her in-law’s house. I was overjoyed they weren’t forgotten. Angel’s mother-in-law even made little candy baskets for my kids and invited them over for their family Easter meal. It was kind of late in the trip, but I felt like everything was going to be alright at home.

It was strange travelling over Easter. The beaches were full, but were they full of locals on holiday or tourists like me? We had 20 people in our tour group when they usually have 40. We were the youngest couple in the group. Even our tour guide was in his 70’s. It was a good trip for him to get his feet wet though. Everyone got along with each other and were pleasant for his first tour.

On Easter evening, our tour group went to a luau. They had a pig roast buffet and free drinks. We watched the hula dancers perform to live music. The dancers weren’t unhealthily thin. They looked like average people. At the end we saw a fire dancer perform. I’m just shocked he didn’t burn the place down or start himself on fire. It was still incredibly windy and we were set up outside. The show was something new and interesting to experience of the Hawaiian culture.

I have to say I absolutely fell in love with Maui. In my mind I started to plan my son’s wedding so we could go back there and enjoy it once again. I know, I know…they aren’t even engaged yet.

The hotel we stayed at was right on the ocean with a sandy beach you could feast your eyes on for miles. There were mountains in the distance. The water was a clear, clean blue. The temperature was perfect. Almost everyone on the beach was a tourist staying in a chain of hotels. We spent two full days on the beach. One day we went snorkeling with sea turtles and saw tons of beautiful tropical fish. On our last day, we even saw a whale. Another first.

Again, the food was mediocre. Spam is a big thing in Hawaii, but you won’t find it on restaurant menus. In a convenience/souvenir shop, Paul found Spam sushi which was basically warm Spam on rice. I tried it and it was great. They didn’t have a lot of specialty drinks either. I did have a guava daiquiri. The flavor was good but it was more like a watery slushy instead of a refreshing cool drink. I did like the Lemongrass Luau beer, very flavorful.

One day we had lunch at the Maui Brewery. Although it was next to the beach, it was very separate from it. You couldn’t just slide in wearing beachwear. I bought a pint glass to bring home as a souvenir.

I saw some seriously disabled people at our hotel. People who had to be pushed around in wheelchairs. I thought it quite unusual until our tour guide said some of the displaced people were staying at hotels. The Maui fires really did a number on a large population of people. After the fire last August, the citizens have not been allowed to go back to their property. The clean up has been stalled and people are very upset about it. We saw encampments along the beach of displaced people living in tents. There was also a community of displaced people living in small construction type trailers so they could be close to work. I’m hoping the people who couldn’t stay in tents got first dibs on the hotel.

As we were leaving, the hotel manager gave us beaded leis and did a good-bye ceremony with us. She told us that not only did many people lose their homes, many lost their lives. She said the island was usually a cheerful place before the fires. But everyone on Maui was collectively mourning the loss of their loved ones or their homes along with everything they had in some way. She said since tourism is how they make a living, a lot of people had to go to work with a smile on their face when they were still mourning. Everything looks beautiful on the outside, but on the inside there is a lot of suffering there.

The people of Maui are strong and will get through this. They have had a tight knit sense of family and community for many generations. They have something special there from living in an isolated area geographically. It’s not as easy to pack everything up and leave.

Visiting Maui was the highlight of our trip to Hawaii.

The raging fire burns

May 28, 2020 / Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

I left shortly after I put my clothes back on. I was ready for bed. I thought I would check Facebook one last time as I waited for Paul to come back home. Facebook, that is where I learned that our previous family business was on fire. Paul arrived home after 10 PM tired without even eating yet. I left without him in great urgency as if my presence would stop the raging fire from burning.

Inside that building is where my family members lived on in my memory. My great-grandparents built the business 100 years before. Like a family farm, all of the family members lived next door or down the road. In my mind they worked together in a steady hum like a colony of bees. I don’t remember any conflict just hard work.

My grandpa and uncle Harold fixed cars. There were several other mechanics too that they treated like family. I remember Harold laughing and sharing stories with customers in his quiet way. My brothers and I were always running through the garage as kids only stopping to buy a bottle of soda from the machine for 25 cents. It was a magical place, a place where broken things got fixed. I loved the smell of tires and even the scent of gasoline because it only brings back good memories.

My aunt Grace did the bookkeeping with the help of my grandma. I can still see them pouring over the paper files and counting money in the antique cash register. It’s the one place I remember them all being together busy and productive.

I was pouring over these thoughts as I got closer to the scene. Roads were blocked, sirens blared and I was the only one from my family that was there. My parents were up north opening the cabin for the season. My brothers and I should’ve been there but even that is changing because of the conflict with my dad. The times at the cabin together as a family might have come to an end too. After not speaking to my dad for 5 months, I called him late that night to tell him the old family business was on fire.

I stood on the side street for over an hour and a half watching the orange glow as fire trucks steadily poured in and out. I talked to the only person watching with me, a stranger. At 1 AM, I told the stranger I was going home which wasn’t exactly true unless you consider home my parents house. I had to go to the bathroom really bad by this point.

My parents locked their house before leaving but they always have a spare key in the closet if you can find it. My parents could be considered hoarders. Their closet had 4 levels of tightly packed shelves of odds and ends. I found two keys, but they didn’t fit. I searched my purse hoping that I still had a spare but the keys I had didn’t fit so I left them. Finally I found the right key in the closest and let myself in.

I wasn’t ready to leave yet. I had to get closer to the flames. It was drawing me in like a June bug. I left my car in my parents driveway and decided to take the trail into town the back way. It was very dark and I felt anxious running down the road and trail by myself in the middle of the night. But I shown no light since I didn’t want to be seen. I was a little afraid of bypassing the police cars and sneaking in the back way. I was afraid of night animals but I figured the fire probably already scared them away. I ran without seeing what was ahead of me fighting my fear.

I couldn’t see the fire any better than before. There were trees in the way. I didn’t want to get any closer because there were many people there fighting the fire. There was another man leaving the area from the back way. I was afraid because I was alone and vulnerable, but the man meant me no harm.

I got home late that night. After a couple hours of sleep I awoke and went back for more. My parents came home early the following morning and found themselves locked out of the house. In my panic, I left the house keys in the bathroom and my own set outside the door. When I’m really stressed my mind stops processing the details which I so obsess over in normal times. I find it bizarre that the strongest part of my brain just quits working.

The building may have burned to the ground, but the memories of my family working together will always live on in my mind.

The first fire

May 26, 2020 / Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

I never heard my mom cry like that before. It was the deep howling sorrow that was saved for behind closed doors. I could almost peak out the window she was staring out of if I stood on my tiptoes. The night sky a glowing orange haze in a hue I never saw outside before. Together we watched her childhood home burn down.

I went with my mom once to see her old house the year before when I was 3. I’m not sure how I remember it. Strong emotions of my mother typically elicited sparks of memories in me. There was a long dark inside staircase that went upstairs to the main floor of the house. There was a bright average sized kitchen with a window above the sink that I could imagine her mother standing at with her back to me. I never saw my grandmother’s face before but I was told my mother looked just like her.

We had to walk up one step to go into the living room from the kitchen. I found that rather strange. I saw the bedroom my mom shared with her sister Jan. It looked as small as a closet. I imagined my mother playing in that room with her one doll. Mom always said that Aunt Jan was messy and my mom was the clean one. They seemed to have switched roles. Aunt Jan never entertains because people get her house dirty. My mom never has people over because she is embarrassed by her clutter and hoarding.

I wonder now if she imagined her mother was still alive inside of that house cooking supper, washing dishes, or just living a normal life every time she used to walk by. That was the only house she remembered her mother living in. Her mother died and her family moved far away, but she remained in that small town.

My mom more often than not on nice days took us for walks by her old childhood home. Every day the memory of her mother was still alive inside of that house. I’m sure she thought of that when she took us on walks to visit her husband’s mother.

Until one day the house burned down and even those memories faded away. She couldn’t imagine her mother happy inside the house when the house was no longer there. It was almost like she lost her mother again.

Gratitude week 21

May 25, 2020 / Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

Just like that it went from winter to summer in Wisconsin. My favorite season is finally here!! This week we finally got green leaves on our trees. We took the cover off our pool.
I trimmed down the list of people I’m following. I no longer follow people simply because they follow me like I used to. I’m following blogs I am interested in. The whole process was very glitchy so it is possible I may have accidentally unfollowed someone. I also axed some people that I genuinely liked because they haven’t blogged in several months or years. It felt good like I was cleaning. A big shout out to long time bloggers. I am grateful that you stuck it out.
Coronavirus be damned, I hugged and cried with a complete stranger. As I mentioned yesterday, over the weekend a historical building once owned by my family burned down. I cried with the new owner who felt horrible because their intent was to restore the building and preserve its history. Also, because of it, I was able to see and hug my mom which with her terror over the virus I questioned if it would happen again anytime soon. I am grateful that we don’t have to deal with the devastation of a fire. The destruction and loss was overwhelming. I can’t imagine what they will have to go through. I am also grateful that no one was injured or died as a result of the fire.
Paul got his first customer in his new business venture.
I am slowly starting to feel a little better. By no means close to 100%, but if I had to live this way the rest of my life I could.
On this Memorial Day, I am thankful for our wonderful veterans who sacrificed all.
I am grateful for the ability to survive traumatic experiences.
I am thankful for Paul. Even though things have been difficult lately, I know he has my back and I his.
Taking the winter quilt off the bed, turning off the heat, and opening the windows.
Estelle and I bought some orangish brown paint for the shed in the backyard. It is nice to have a project we can do together and something to remember her by once she goes home when I look at it.