Let’s finish this up now, someone is waiting for you on that.
I received this fortune cookie several months ago, or who knows maybe my husband did. At the time, he said it was about finishing my memoir. Well, this past week I finished it. I thought I would feel excited, but I felt rather somber about it. Instead of relishing in the success of completing my goal, I felt like I finished my life’s grand purpose. I spent years thinking about it and working on it. I had the idea in my mind since grade school.
I know it sounds melodramatic, but what will I do next? I want to keep writing. For the first time I considered writing fiction. But at this point I’m really not sure. There is still much work to do to get my book published.
I told my daughter Angel I would let her read my book. I want my husband to read it too. This past weekend my daughter loaded my book onto a flash drive. It makes me nervous to think she will start reading it soon.
Goals
My travel bucket list from 2010
Back in 2008, Paul and I went on our first vacation after 10 years of marriage. Travelling wasn’t something we did in our childhoods. In fact, when we flew to Jamaica in 2008, it was Paul’s first time on an airplane. He was almost 40 years old. After that trip, we got the travel bug.
Some time after our first trip, I created a travel bucket list on a piece of paper written in pencil. I carried that little piece of paper in my purse for the next 15 years to remind myself of the goals I created. This is the year the list ends. I want to see how good I did on my goals.
2010: Utah We probably did go to Utah that year as the software platform we used for our business was located there and they started hosting user group meetings. We were one of the first users on the software. The first user group meeting only had about 10 to 15 people. By the time we sold our company, there were probably thousands of users. We went to Utah countless times mainly to Park City and Salt Lake City. We were able to wade in the waters of the Great Salt Lake and listen to the choir practice at the Mormon Tabernacle.
2011: Disney After the trip to Jamaica in 2008, we took the kids to Disney in 2009. We went to Disney twice after that, once with the kids and once without. In 2016, we took a family trip to Florida right before Angel graduated and visited some of the other parks.
2012: Wisconsin Dells (15th anniversary) This wasn’t a far trip to take so we’ve been there countless times.
2013: St. Lucia (Paul graduates earning his MBA). We went to St. Lucia and absolutely loved it. It’s the most beautiful place I have ever been to. I loved it so much that I recommended it to my daughter Angel and her husband who went there for their honeymoon.
2014: Mackinac Island (My 40th birthday) This is another one that isn’t too far away. It’s located in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan near the long bridge that connects upper Michigan to lower Michigan. Visiting the island is like going back in time. No cars are allowed on the island. The mode of travel is horses and bicycles. I haven’t been to the island for at least a decade. But I have been there several times and even stayed at the Grand Hotel.
2015: Mexico I haven’t visited Mexico yet.
2016: Yellowstone (Angel graduates from high school). I did check Yellowstone off my bucket list but not until many years later for our 25th anniversary. The exact day of our anniversary, we visited Old Faithful.
2017: Hawaii (20th anniversary) I just checked Hawaii off my travel bucket list this year.
2018: California (Paul’s 50th birthday) I did check this state off my bucket list. Paul and I went there for a conference and spent a couple more days afterwards site seeing. It was the first time I dipped my feet into the Pacific Ocean. We spent several days staying at a winery.
2019: Maine/Nova Scotia/Iceland (Alex graduates from high school) I checked Maine off my bucket list. Iceland is still high up on my list.
2020: New York City I checked this off my bucket list in 2012 going on a music trip through the high school with Angel and my mom. Angel sang a solo singing the song Popular from Wicked. It was one of the first times she performed a solo and I realized her talent and potential.
2021: (Arabella graduates from high school) Unfortunately this is no longer legible because it was written in pencil but I think it says Arizona. Paul and I travelled to Arizona for a conference and stayed a few extra days to visit the Grand Canyon. Or maybe it says Asia. We did go to Thailand.
2022: Europe I was supposed to go to Europe the summer of 2020 but I’m sure you can guess what happened with those plans. I am still planning on going sometime within the next year or so.
2023: Vegas I travelled to Vegas twice. The first time I went was 6 years ago with Angel for a music competition. I didn’t gamble at all. The second time I went with Paul and another couple and all we did was gamble.
2024: Alaska (My 50th birthday) I haven’t been there yet, but it is high up on my list. I checked 43 out of 50 states off my bucket list and 3 out of 7 continents. I visited the 50th state for my 50th year.
It seemed like when we first started to travel we didn’t have the extra time or money so I tried to plan trips around special occasions like milestone birthdays, anniversaries, or graduations. Now I try to travel as much as I can, at least once a year. I hope to cross off all the continents and states. Since I reached the end of time on my paper bucket list, I can retire my list. I plan on travelling for as long as I am able to.
2022 recap
It’s hard to believe in a couple days we will be kissing 2022 good-bye. It’s been an interesting year with a lot of changes. I’ll highlight the highs and lows of the year.
Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first. In January of this year, we had to put down our 14 year old Beagle. We had him since he was a puppy. It was hard to let him go, but I feel good we were able to provide him with a loving home the time he was with us.
This year I was diagnosed with arthritis. This was the first year in over a decade that I didn’t log any running miles or do any races. This has been a huge change for me and at times hard for me to accept.
This year I travelled within the United States. Here is the list of areas I visited:
- Nevada
- Michigan
- Illinois
- Idaho
- Montana
- Wyoming
- Washington D.C.
- Maryland
- Delaware
I crossed 4 out of 9 off my bucket list.
My husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in Yellowstone by Old Faithful. It’s hard to believe we have been married 25 years already and I’ve known my husband half of his life. It’s something worth celebrating.
Our daughter got married this year to a wonderful guy. They bought their first house, have great jobs, and are 100% independent. What a blessing they have been to each other and us.
We tackled some big remodeling projects.
We joined a new church.
This is the first full year ALL of our children are adults and are living their own lives which has many ups and downs. I’ve had to learn to let go of a lot of things and no one is ever totally ready for that.
That’s about all I can think of right now.
What are my plans for 2023? I don’t do resolutions. I want to think I try to be the best person I can be every day. I don’t have any big goals. I want to continue to help others. I want to continue to work on my issues for a stronger marriage and a healthier me. I want to continue travelling and plan on crossing South America off my bucket list in February. Other than that, the rest is just life which I will be writing about as it unfolds.
Happy New Year!!
This uncertainty, part 2
I stressed out for a long time whether or not to get a dumpster. What did I know about remodeling or flooring besides it looking like fun on home renovation shows. They show the before pictures, show someone holding a hammer, then voila it’s done looking amazing. That and one summer when my son was in high school he worked for a company removing flooring. How hard could it be?
I researched dumpsters. I never was really good with spatial things. How would I know what size to get when I can’t even figure out if I have enough room in a parking space? I agonized over the decision. I shut off my computer and walked away for a couple days. Once I got the dumpster there was no turning back. I was committed to finishing the project.
I ordered the dumpster and still worried about it. I was anxious the day the dumpster arrived. The first project I was going to do was tear out the carpet. There was no turning back now. I had already painted my future office a bright light yellow. I took a couple before pictures. I budgeted 15 minutes to a couple hours to tear out the old carpeting. Fifteen minutes, now that is laughable as I think it took over 5 hours. Taking out the carpeting was the easy part. Then I had to pull out the carpet liner. Then all the nails and staples.
I’ve never even used half the tools before. I had zero knowledge or experience going into it which was very scary for me. On the day I started the project we had a plumber over. He must’ve took pity on me because he showed me how to use a razor blade to tear up carpeting and gave me a couple new blades. I don’t think my husband really appreciated his help as much as I did. Never having a dad to show him how to be a handyman, my husband doesn’t really know a whole lot more than I do about these projects. And to think his bio dad was a handyman for a living. What an asshat!
After I did all the painting, removing the trim boards, and tearing up the flooring my husband said he would like that room for his office. He likes the room because it is bright and sunny with a skylight and paint the color of the sun. I am a creature of the dark. I would be happy in a cave with the exception of the bats. We both decided he would be better suited for the bright room and I would be better suited in the room we are sharing as an office right now. We both agreed we weren’t suited to sharing an office. He likes all the lights blazing in broad daylight which makes me feel like my eyes are bleeding. He even has one of those intensely bright ring lights. I might turn the light on if it is dark. He likes to listen to his book or music while working and I like absolute silence. Plus he is on the phone quite a bit.
So I handed the project baton over to him. We found out on of his best friends has a lot of experience with flooring and he will be coming over tomorrow to start working on it with my husband. I had no idea what I wanted for the flooring anyway. Now he can pick what he wants. I would still be willing to help. I am very motivated to have my own office and doing some undisturbed writing again.
Other than that, we are using the dumpster for the carpet and all garbage real or imagined. I even went so far as throwing out some of the fake plastic plants from the previous owner. I went on an anti-plant rampage. When we got back from our trip my two remaining plants got decimated. The large one fell over onto the smaller one breaking the pots. I decided to throw them both out and in the process I sliced up my finger pretty good on the broken glass. If anyone ever buys me another plant I will probably punch them.
We are also getting rid of a whole bunch of junk from the garage. Some of it old crap left behind by my son’s friends when they were roommates. They are a bunch of slobs and have a lot of potential to be hoarders like my parents. The best part of everything is that the dumpster is located underneath the window of the second story of the garage. Because of this I was able to rage clean opening the window and chucking stuff into the dumpster. Or sometimes it would miss shattering everything to pieces on the ground next to it. All in the name of cleaning my friends.
Now I have been thinking about the environment as well in case you were concerned. I have several boxes filled for the thrift stores. I broke down and got rid of the last of the pairs of pants I can no longer fit over my big butt. Then there are the dresses I can’t zip up. But I didn’t have the heart to get rid of one of my favorite miniskirts. I haven’t worn it in years but maybe next summer. Until then it will be hanging up next to my orthotic shoes.
My house has so many projects I don’t even know where to start. But at least I am starting even though I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
Fortune cookie wisdom #51
No man is free who is not master of himself.
Wow, nothing like a fun and carefree fortune cookie saying there. This cookie packs a lot of truth. It sounds good, but unfortunately is easier said than done. Who do we know who is truly free?
I want to think I am free, but really is this an obtainable goal? I am but trapped inside of my own body that no longer does all the things I want it to do.
I also think of my friends who struggle with addiction. How easy is it for us to tell them to just stop whatever it is they are addicted to? Just stop then the addiction will be gone. We want to tell ourselves this is the way it works when we see others struggle losing everything they have at times in danger of even losing their lives. Just stop and it will all go away.
I think everyone struggles with mastering themselves, some are just better at it or care more than others. I wish I could be better at managing my worry. Just this week I worried my daughter was lying in her apartment dead because she is sick and hasn’t been returning my calls or texts. Or better yet, I should think happy thoughts when struggling with depression. That will just magically somehow take the thoughts I don’t want coursing through my head away. Or telling someone with insomnia to just try to get some sleep to count more sheep.
I really think that if most people could master themselves they already would. Maybe we will never be as free as we want to think we are.
Gratitude week 110
- January is over! I’m grateful for this because it means no more bad things can happen in January.
- My daughter Angel and her fiancé bought a house. Oh my gosh, my daughter is a home owner. I’m grateful they were able to find something they like and I’m anxious to see what they will do with it.
- So, I’m trying to complain and criticize less. A couple nights ago I decided to start the following day. In the wee morning hours, I had to go to the bathroom and sat down only to find the toilet seat was left up. Sometimes I swear God has a sense of humor. I’m grateful for goals, obtainable or not.
- Arabella got a job! She had an interview at a sports bar. They asked her if she had experience as a server. She does. They asked her when she could work or what her preferred hours were. When she said evenings and weekends, they hired her on the spot and asked her to come in to train that evening. I’m grateful my daughter found a job and I really hope it goes well for her.
- I’m grateful the trade show we had a booth at is over. Kid you not, within the first hour I spilled half my water bottle over our marketing materials. All in all, it was a successful show even though for the most part it was incredibly boring.
- I’m grateful for great TV series on cold winter days. I’m grateful for the ability to watch them whenever we want. Gone are the days of having to wait once a week hoping the VCR was set right to record the show over an old VHS tape if we were gone. I’m really aging myself here. But what I’m really trying to say is I absolutely loved watching the first half of the new season of Ozark. I LOVE that show!
- I’m starting to think about summer. This past week we planned our summer sailing cruise schedule with our sailing club and also picked a date for Angel’s bridal shower. This will help me get through the rest of the winter, hopefully. Paul and I will also have our 25th wedding anniversary this summer so I’m starting to think about that as well.
- Watching the winter Olympics.
- I’m looking forward to unwinding tonight with a stiff drink by a roaring fire in our fireplace while watching a funny movie.
Goals for the new year
To be honest, I haven’t done New Year’s resolutions in years. But every couple of months I try to come up with some bucket list goals and check my progress on making them happen.
Today I decided to go back to my first blog post in May of 2015. I wrote a list of goals. Here they are:
- Write something that gets published. I’ve wanted to write a memoir for the longest time. I am currently working on the second edition of my book. I hope to complete it in 2022.
Run a marathon.I wrote I ran 18 miles that day without stopping. I am totally jealous of myself! Since then I’ve run multiple marathons and a 50K. I just stopped running after doing it for 15 years. Now I want to focus on stretching and yoga. I mean, I haven’t started yet but I want to try to at least maintain if not gain some flexibility. I have been having joint pain and stiffness but I still want to remain active as much as I am able to.- Travel to all the continents. I haven’t gotten too far on this. I did check off Asia since then. If it wasn’t for COVID, I would’ve checked off Europe and Africa too. Instead I have been trying to visit all 50 states. So far I’ve checked off 39 states. I visited 8 states in 2021 and plan on adding another 5 in 2022.
Read the Bible in a year.- Be a lead singer in a band. I still think this would be fun, but I don’t want to do this as much as I did before. It sounds like a lot of work.
Drink green beer on St. Patrick’s Day.That one was pretty easy.Get a tattoo.I got my first tattoo this year of an anchor. I am planning on getting my second tattoo in 2022.
I have some other new goals for 2022. I would like to be more bad ass. Ha ha ha. Actually I want to get my motorcycle license. I picture myself on something loud blaring my rock music as I drive down country roads on sunny summer days.
I would like to get half way done with the remodeling project on our garage apartment. I also have a list of home renovation projects. I would like to cross off half of my list this next year on house projects as well.
I also want to continue growing and working on my self-improvement projects. I want to be more accepting of myself as I age. I have always been a go, go, go person. It’s hard to adjust to being a go, go, go slow person. This coming year will be the first full year that all of my children are adults and out of school. I no longer have parenting commitments. I want some time to just be responsible for me. I want 5 years of not being responsible for others. I will not take on any long term foreign exchange students, foster children, or new pets. I will also keep working on the relationships that are important to me.
That’s about it. See ya next year!
Have a happy, happy new year!!!
Fortune cookie wisdom #38
After a big storm comes tranquility.
I don’t know about you, but after a big storm (or a really stressful period of time) I tend to feel boredom instead of tranquility. I want tranquility, serenity, peacefulness, and relaxation but I usually end up feeling bored and restless watchfully waiting for the next problem. I want tranquility, but I wonder if I would find it satisfying if I ever found it. I almost need some level of stress to function at my best.
Not to mention I have a very low boredom tolerance. Nothing motivates me more than having problems to fix. Maybe I just got used to living under high levels of stress and wouldn’t know how to live without it. Tranquility sounds a tad bit boring. What would be my purpose without struggle?
It’s like telling an anxious person to relax. Maybe some people just aren’t going to relax and that’s just the way they are. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with them. How many tranquil people do you actually know anyway that aren’t hopped up on some sort of drugs?? Hmm, can’t seem to think of any off the top of my head.
Or maybe I just call tranquility boring and push it away because it seems like an unattainable goal. I haven’t gotten there yet. Maybe I would like it if I could reach it somehow. Who’s to say?
One thing I can tell you is that I am getting sick of the big storms.
Little illiterate me
Last night I was catching up on reading some blogs before supper. My friend Ashley at Mental Health @ Home (you should really check out her blog if you haven’t already) posted something about checking your blog to see how easy it is to find and follow. I figured it’s been a couple years, why not? I was appalled with what I found. My theme was gone and there was nothing there but a plain white background. My follow button along with all my archived blog posts were gone as well. I just about died.
Of course it had to happen when I didn’t have hours to fix it. My husband was making homemade pizza and the kids were visiting after supper. Not only that, my search engine had some sort of child safety lock on it which I couldn’t seem to turn off. I was in a horrible mood which spiraled into my total hatred of technology making me sound like a bitter old lady to the twenty agers. Nothing makes me feel older or stupider than not being able to make something work and having to have my kids help me.
It’s my own fault. I should check my blog more often. To me going on my site is as repulsive as watching a video of myself singing, and I am a pretty good singer. It’s a cringeworthy form of torture. So needless to say I didn’t sleep very well last night.
I think for my age my computer literacy is average. I always learned what I needed to know to be able to get by. But quite frankly I’m old school traditional. I have a calendar I keep on the wall to keep track of appointments. I like to read books that are made out of trees. My blog is very basic. I update my profile picture every two years. I have had the same cover photo since I started once I stopped using the theme picture.
I don’t like change. I don’t like useless updates. If something is not broken, why fix it?? Why not stick with the tried and true? Do you really think I care if the search bar is at the top or the bottom of my phone screen? If updated was better that would be one thing. But usually it’s frustrating because I have to learn a new way of doing things after finally figuring out the old way which was a million times better. It’s almost as if they are doing updates just to look good for doing updates.
Thankfully I was able to take the kid friendly setting off my searches. That whole thing was a crock anyway when my kids were young. I had to have my kids set up the parental controls which was useless. I pretended they worked and they pretended they couldn’t get around them.
This morning I updated my blog. I found out my theme was rewritten and that is why I had a blank screen. My archives and follow button were old and inactivated widgets. Everything was just garbage and I was tempted to just delete the whole damn thing. But I figured it out without having to have my children hold my hand. It just drives me crazy though! I have no idea how long it was like that.
Thanks Ashley for prompting me to check out my own blog. Besides being frustrated with my own blog, nothing frustrates me more than wanting to follow a new blog and being unable to because it just isn’t user friendly.
I’ve noticed other glitches too over the last couple weeks. I have somehow unfollowed blogs accidently and sometimes when I like someone’s post it shows up later that I didn’t like it. I also stopped receiving notifications, although it is turned on both on my phone and WP.
I am not as computer literate as I would like to be, but I will keep on trying.
Fortune cookie wisdom #32
Either you can or you can’t. Either way you are right.
I really like the mindset of this fortune cookie. But I think it’s more important to have realistic goals and expectations.
For example, Paul’s step-dad Darryl is having knee surgery in a couple weeks. He said the recovery time for the surgery is 6 weeks. But he said his recovery time will be 3 weeks. I’m concerned he is setting himself up for disappointment.
Sometimes I wish I could do what I wanted without having to be mindful of whether I could do it or not.
If only it was that easy.
Outrunning my demons 