jail

The darkest day of the year

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It’s been unseasonably warm here in Wisconsin. It looks like we will set an all time high record on Christmas day. No white Christmas for us this year. We barely had any snow fall yet. It doesn’t feel like Christmas is just a few days away.

Today on the darkest day of the year, I always think of my great-uncle Harold. He would’ve been 98 years old today. Every year on his birthday we would go to his house and celebrate with him. There would be steaks and pineapple upside down cake. Aunt Grace would serve food on the multi-colored Fiesta plates, the only day of the year they would leave the pantry. It was one of the few days we saw Harold laugh and tell stories. Most of the time, he was next door working on cars at the family business.

Harold died unexpectedly the year Paul and I got married. I remember the last time I saw him. Paul and I were visiting my family to tell them the exciting news we were going to have our first child. We were able to tell everyone except Uncle Harold. He was outside working on a car while talking to clients. We didn’t want to interrupt him so we asked Aunt Grace if she could share the news. That was the last time I saw him alive.

We never really know how much time someone has left. If I knew, maybe I would’ve waited longer to talk to Harold. I think that is where a lot of my irrational guilt kicks in. If I’d only known, I could’ve done something different. I’m starting to let go of things, but it takes time to process. I couldn’t prevent the suffering of the people I care about and that hurts.

I tried reaching out to our previous employee today. But it was too little too late. I haven’t seen her for 5 years and I thought I could do something to prevent her from struggling with addiction, from committing a crime, and even from the attempt I think she tried to make on her own life? I want to help people. I want to fix them but I can’t. It’s as if I am wanting to play God and even He does not step in to keep people from physically dying and making their own choices.

I am feeling a lot better today. I wasn’t feeling the greatest yesterday, but I decided to volunteer yesterday and I’m glad I did. For awhile I forgot about my own pain. I spent a half an hour holding the baby of a homeless teen mom. He brought me joy as I held him and made him laugh. The mom needed clothes for her kids and was on her last diaper. She is a single mom living in her car with a two-year old and a baby. We had a record number of people who came in needing help yesterday.

Yesterday we had a new woman sign up for help from Africa. She is a single parent who recently came to America. She doesn’t speak any English and has zero education. She lives in a bad neighborhood. What really struck me was that there were several women from the same community that only speak Swahili. They are all parents between the ages of 20-25, the ages of my own children. I can’t even imagine what that must be like and to have absolutely no education. There is a language barrier with a lot of families that come in. It’s my goal this new year to become fluent in at least one other language starting with Spanish because I do know a little from high school, like way back from the last century.

There was a woman who came in that got arrested last week for child abuse. Ever since my own daughter was arrested, it’s really changed my view of criminals. Offering to help someone in need does not equate with me agreeing with the choices they make. They are people too. I am not afraid of them as much anymore. But that doesn’t mean I would walk down an alley by myself at night in a bad neighborhood.

Then there was the lady who stayed at the domestic abuse house. There was the lady that didn’t know she was pregnant with twins until two months before they were born. The people who reek of alcohol, cigarettes, and weed. The mentally ill. The intellectually challenged. Those who are going back to school to try to build a better life. The grandparents raising grandchildren.

I can’t go back and change anything in the past. But I can move forward and help people today.

The places I volunteer at are really hurting for volunteers over the holidays. So I decided to sign up at the places the next two days. Tomorrow helping families in need and Saturday at the cat sanctuary. I almost enjoy holding the cats as much as I enjoy holding babies. I especially love the feral cats or the cats that don’t warm up well to other people.

Maybe I can do some good to negate some of the bad in the world.

What’s happening this week-10/19/23

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Fall has arrived and the sailing season is officially over. I’m sad to see summer go, but I’ve adjusted to this expected change. The leaves changed color and most trees have passed their peak but it’s still incredibly beautiful. It’s dark when I wake up and in the evening while I’m making supper. I’m not sure how my body knows when it’s morning.

Arabella’s jail friend with the Hannibal Lector tattoo is back in jail and will probably be in there for a long time. We don’t have to worry about that for awhile. She was respectful to us, but she was really rough and we were fearful of her as she was convicted of violent and drug related crimes. The other day Paul and I were watching the news and saw a guard was assaulted at the jail and we were waiting for the pronoun to see if it could be Arabella’s friend.

Arabella is doing alright. She was upset with me this week. I went to get more of her things from Will at their old apartment. She still is in love with him and wanted me to deliver messages to him from her which I refused to do. She has a no contact order for another two years and I am not going to be the in between. She said she was going to go over to the apartment to ask him if he still loves her. But after an hour and a long conversation with Paul, she settled down.

The probation officer visited our house. Apparently he had to create a layout of our house in case the SWAT team ever has to come. He also had to make sure we didn’t have a meth lab or had any prisoners in our house. I’m not sure what he meant by prisoners. If we were harboring a prisoner or if we had someone chained up in our house.

Last week I caught Arabella smoking weed. I keep telling her that I’m sure absolute sobriety will be a part of her probation. But she said it wouldn’t be because her crime was not drug or alcohol related. I asked her if she wanted to take the chance of going back to jail and being a convicted felon at 20. She doesn’t listen. I’ve done my part at preaching to her. She didn’t get into the mess she was in by making good decisions. Now it’s up to her and I have to let it go.

Otherwise, I’m right where I want to be in my life right now. This is the time of year to get back into writing more. I’m working very part-time for my husband’s business. I volunteer once a week at the animal shelter and at a faith based organization that gives out diapers and clothing to families in need.

Last week at the organization that helps families in need, there was a new person helping out. She told us all 4 of her kids are in the ministry. It kind of rubbed me the wrong way because it came across as bragging and being better than everyone else. I was tempted to say that my two oldest kids are musicians and my youngest is unemployed, living in our basement, and on probation. Thankfully Arabella has had a couple job interviews and more set up.

I felt like I couldn’t relate to this woman. But I had to change the way I viewed things. Paul and I can relate more to the people who come in that are struggling. We know what it’s like to have a kid in jail. We know what it’s like to deal with family who are mentally ill and struggling with addiction. My husband grew up in a home with an uneducated single teen parent. He knows what it is like to live in low income housing in poverty. We know what it is like to raise children without a lot of family support. We can use all of our life experiences to help others who are going through it because we’ve been there.

This weekend we have an out of town wedding, a Halloween costume party, and our son will be playing with his band. It should be a fun weekend.

On to other things

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The cat war is over and now we have moved on to other worries.

The evening I posted the cat wars post, Paul and I made a trip over to Will’s apartment to get Arabella’s big items, such as her couch, because she just got out of jail earlier in the week. While we were there, Will said he would give Arabella her cat back on two conditions. The first that she would not lock the cat up in her room and the second that she would allow him places to hide. I called Arabella right away and she said she would agree with the conditions.

After the break up, Paul and I tried to have a non-adversarial relationship with Will. I think this really helped the cat situation. Although, I believed the cat should just stay where he was at for the cat, I believe it was in my daughter’s best interest to get the cat back. Will still had some compassion for her. My daughter’s mood improved drastically. We felt more secure about leaving Arabella at home without us to go on our annual sailing trip with friends. I was willing to stay back if I needed to. But after she got the cat back, I felt she was more stable.

While we were gone, I told Arabella I did not want her to bring any new friends we haven’t met to the house. After we got back, we met her first jail friend. This woman was rough. She told me she first got in trouble at age 14 when she stabbed her dad who was abusing her. She made it clear she did not kill him but that did not make me feel much better.

After she was released from juvie, she was homeless and lived on the streets. Although this woman was as small as a child of 10, I wouldn’t want to mess with her. She has the glean of insanity in her eyes along with a shaved head and multiple tattoos. I took an interest in her tattoos and asked her who the face belonged to of the person tattooed on her arm. She said it was a tattoo of Hannibal Lector. Sickening! Idolizing a sadistic serial killer. I didn’t know what to say. I was feeling more apprehensive by the minute. Only 24 with a decade in the system. I told her it was not too late to turn her life around. But who am I kidding, she doesn’t have much of a chance.

To think at one time I thought the psych ward friends were bad. However, the girl was over the top polite. Told me she protected my daughter from fights although she was over half her size. She helped my daughter unpack her belongings and was helpful. But she still made everyone uneasy because there was something not quite right about her. It was Labor Day. The weather was perfect for one last summer hurrah. My son had a couple friends over and so did we. My best friend brought her 13 year-old son who wanted to hang out with the girls. This really stressed me out. The girl was really sketchy and was wearing an ankle bracelet. Was she under house arrest? Was she breaking rules by being at our house? Would the police show up? Where they talking to my friend’s kid about jail or inappropriate topics?

Perhaps I made a mistake. But could I tell my daughter everyone can have friends over but you. Should we have new boundaries? No felons in the house? My daughter is facing 3 felony charges. Maybe we should have bailed her out of jail earlier. The should’ve would’ve started creeping in. We thought she would be a shoe in for mental health treatment court. No one lead us to believe otherwise, but we were wrong. We are treading in new waters once again. I wish someone would’ve wrote a book about what to expect when your kid gets out of jail.

My daughter told me her friend was on the bracelet for a DUI. But I don’t believe anything I hear anymore. I did a little investigative work on my own. The criminal records in our state are public record. My daughter’s friend has a long list of criminal records. She is 24 years old and most recently has drug charges involving meth and narcotics along with the DUI. She has battery charges as well. She has a history of being a violent felon with hard drug charges. I found out she is also a mother, but I am assuming her child has been taken from her.

What is my responsibility here? Will she introduce my daughter to hard drugs? Would I rather have her friend hang out here where I can keep an eye on things or have my daughter hang out with her wherever that may be? Our initial reaction was to kick her friend out. But she didn’t do anything wrong at our house as far as we could tell. As of right now, we are closely monitoring the situation. Arabella doesn’t make good choices and all her friends are pretty messed up. She just doesn’t attract the nice quiet church girls. Most of her friends make us uncomfortable. I knew this was going to happen, but I don’t have any good answers on what to do about it.

The cat wars

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After my last post, that evening my 17 year old cat took a turn for the worse. He stopped eating, even after Lexi put dozens of treats down on the floor for him to eat. He stopped responding. His time had undoubtedly come. I didn’t sleep well that evening. I feared what I might find in the morning. But when morning arrived he was still with us. I called the traveling vet’s number first thing in the morning and she came out right away providing the most kind and compassionate end of life care. I wanted to wait until my husband came home from work, but time has a way of not waiting.

Several days later, my husband and I bailed Arabella out of jail after being incarcerated for 5 months. For me it was a day of great anticipation and anxiety. There is a fine line between excitement and anxiety which blurred together for me on that day. I almost felt like I did the day she was born. It was a feeling of excitement but a dread of the pain it would cause me with the scheduled C-section. How many times has she torn my heart out?

It wasn’t all as I expected. I thought she would be happy. I thought she would be someone else. Perhaps leaving behind the last of her teenage years behind bars would change her. I didn’t expect the adjustment to be so hard.

All Arabella wanted was to get her cat back. Her ex kept her cat while she was in jail. He is a rescue cat and has been known to be aggressive towards other cats. I didn’t want him to attack my elderly cat. But now my cat is gone and Will wants to keep the cat. I’ve thought long and hard about the situation. I think it is in the cat’s best interests to stay with Will. Since the cat was previously abused/neglected, I don’t think the cat would respond well to be ripped out of the environment it’s in and be separated from Will who he is currently attached to. My daughter has been known to have a hard time taking care of her pets. She can barely take care of herself. Will provided pretty much all the pet care when they were together.

They got the cat together about six months before Arabella went to jail. So half of the time they have owned the cat she was away from him. I’m not sure I want to take in the cat because if she does not take care of him properly, it would be very unsettling for the cat lovers in my house. Every animal she has had, I’ve ended up taking care of. She wants the cat for her but is incapable of thinking of the best interests of the cat.

Arabella has said her life is not worth living without her cat. She has been crying off and on about it. I told her she needed to find a place of wellbeing independent of others, including an animal. She also mentioned forcefully wanting to take the cat back. I told her if she does something like that she will end up in jail again, maybe prison. She got herself into the situation she was in and doesn’t want to face some of the ramifications.

It’s hard to find compassion towards her when my cat just died. Her cat is living, albeit in a different house, but is loved and is well taken care of. At this point, I’m not really sure what is going to happen. I am prepared to take in her cat now if it heads in that direction. I’m trying to stay out of it somewhat. Every time I lightly suggest maybe her cat is better off where he is, she gets very upset with me. We’ll see what happens…

I’m so thankful they never had any children. I can’t even imagine.

What a week already!

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Where we left off last, I was preparing my house for a Bunco party. It was a successful night and I even won by being the biggest loser. Ha!

Then the next day we were hit with some bad news. Arabella did not make it into mental health treatment court. I’m not even sure why. You would think after 5 inpatient hospital stays, several months in outpatient, several months in residential, multiple mental health issues, a dozen therapists, suicide attempts, and self-harm wounds that will forever scar her body would be enough to qualify someone for mental health treatment. But apparently not!

I am very cynical of the system. A person could threaten to harm themselves or others and still not get the mental health treatment they need even if they do want it. How messed up is that? Arabella will get two years probation and after completion her felonies will be removed from her record. Within the next week, we will be transitioning her home from jail. I’m not sure what this is going to look like. The DA wants her to go to therapy. They can go ahead and court order it then. I’m not sure if my daughter will even have insurance when she gets out since the renewal date happened when she was in jail. Then there is probably a 6 month waiting list just to see a therapist. At this point, I’m not sure if she even has her doctors or can get her medicine. After 5 months in jail, I’m sure it’s going to be a mess.

In other news, our cat took a turn for the worse since his appointment last week. He stopped eating and grooming himself. He spends most of his time sleeping or crying. Today he has been hiding out in the garage. I’ve been checking in on him every couple hours to see if he’s still breathing. I think I’m going to have to make an appointment to put him down this week. It’s a hard decision. I’ve been in denial that it is time. At this point, I don’t think he is going to get better.

For some good news, my son decided to go back to tech school. Classes start this week. He dropped out a couple years back and it was really hard for me because I felt like he wasn’t living up to his potential. Then at 21, he received the rest of the money we saved up for him in his college fund. With that money, he bought a sports car. Now he wants to sell the car and use the money to go back to school. He is finally starting to mature and grow up on his own without me having to nag him to start getting his life together. Through it all, we’ve had a pretty good relationship.

I’m thankful to be close to my kids in their young adult years. Arabella and I don’t always get along, but I think she knows we care about her and are willing to support her through hard times. I’m sure it will be a rocky road, but I’m doing the best I can. I feel like emotionally I’m doing good but physically my body is a wreck. I have a follow up appointment with my doctor this week so we’ll see how that goes.

Halfway through this hectic week

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I’m glad the week is half over and most of the stressful things are behind me. Paul and I had a nice little anniversary getaway at the Island Resort and Casino in Upper Michigan. We had a great time even though we were losers. We tried our hands at craps and played bingo for the first time. It was fun. We also got a couples massage and went to a nice restaurant for our anniversary.

There was some stress because my mom decided last minute to have her birthday party up north and everyone was texting me to plan everything while I was away. I told everyone I was not home so they would have to figure things out. It wasn’t a total shit show like I was expecting. My mom had a great time and everyone was on their best behavior although I had my guard up. The first stressful event of the week is over.

The second stressful event was taking my cat to the vet on Monday. After I got back home after being gone for awhile, my cat was refusing to eat his dry food. He is 17 years old and I thought it was the end. He was getting rechecked because he had an ear infection with a very swollen ear. I spoke to the vet about my concerns and he decided to recheck his thyroid. His ear infection is gone but his thyroid is out of control. I’m giving him more medication and he seems to be doing better. Crisis averted for now.

Later Monday evening we went to a fundraiser at the local zoo with some new friends and it was a lot of fun. I think this new friendship has a lot of potential as we really seem to get along well. It’s a new connection I made through volunteering. We’ll see what happens.

The third stressor of the week was Arabella’s court date on Tuesday. I should write a what to expect when your child is in jail book. Every single time she appears in front of the judge is incredibly stressful. Nothing was done over the past two months. We are still waiting to see if she will be accepted into mental health treatment court. It looks very promising, but the decision has not been made yet. The next court date has been pushed back until October. However, we got word from the attorney they may make the decision yet this week and she might come back home as early as next week. I’m not sure what that is going to look like but I think I am ready now.

On Tuesday night, Alex, Lexi, and I went to a free pipe organ concert. It was amazing. The pipe organ is by far my favorite instrument. I always joke that I want to add a pipe organ room to my house some day. I totally have my funeral planned out. I would love to have a funeral service in a church with a pipe organ. My daughter Angel can sing and my son can play the saxophone. Too bad I will have to miss it.

The fourth stressor of the week is hosting Bunco tomorrow. That was kind of unpredictable too just like the rest of the stressors because we weren’t sure if we would have enough people to play. Having a party is stressful in and of itself especially since I don’t know a lot of the people coming all that well. I feel like I have to impress them by having a clean house. I can be kind of a clean freak. Today I did 4 hours of weeding and it barely made a dent. I think I need a new sign like the one I saw at the zoo. It says ‘pardon the weeds we are feeding the bees’. Perfect. I’d never have to weed again. To think I thought it was so lovely when we bought the house.

That’s about it around here. I officially made it through the first half of a hectic week.

It’s been awhile

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I know it’s been awhile. I’m going to try to get on here at least once a week for now until life settles down a bit. I’ve been doing pretty well considering how chaotic my life tends to be. I no longer wake up every morning with this feeling of overwhelming dread. I actually sleep fairly well at night too. I even dream and most of those dreams are not nightmares. Maybe being medicated isn’t all that bad.

Things have been going well since we last talked. We celebrated Angel’s 25th birthday by going sailing and anchoring out to swim during the day and having a party at our house at night. It was relatively drama free which is a plus. I have been busy helping Paul with work and then we took some friends out for the weekend on the sailboat. Today was my first full day at home in over a week and then tomorrow we are heading out to a resort a couple days for our 26th wedding anniversary. So far it’s been a good week. Tonight I am going with Angel, Lexi, and Alex to watch the Barbie movie. My son’s girlfriend is obsessed with Barbie so he wants to go along too.

The only bad thing that happened was that Paul had an accident on the sailboat when I wasn’t with him. He threw a spinnaker out in front of his sails and a storm popped up out of nowhere. Everything was whipping around in the wind and Paul ran out to grab the spinnaker line without his gloves on. He ended up getting 2nd degree rope burns on his hands. Then one of the lines went into the water and got wrapped in the prop causing the engine to stop. His hands had to be wrapped up like a mummy for awhile but they are healing nicely now. Thankfully everything ended up working out okay in the end.

Other than that, everything has been going well. Who knows, next week might be a different story. In fact, it will probably be. My mom’s 75th birthday is this weekend. She wanted me to throw her a party but couldn’t decide what she wanted to do until a week before her birthday which really doesn’t give me any time to plan things especially since I will not be home. Not a lot of people can go last minute. There is usually a lot of drama with the extended family.

My dad was back to urgent care this past week. He has another bladder infection and then he fell a couple days later. My parents insist on staying in their house and that they don’t need any help. It’s been stressful but at this point they still are competent so I am just waiting for something to happen. My mom has been rather harsh with my dad and my dad because of his own behavior has been ostracized from most of his family which adds another layer of complication to the situation. My parents are also the guardians of my brother Matt. I think everything is going to fall on my shoulders because my other brothers live far away.

Arabella goes back to court again next week. I’m not sure if she will be coming home or not. She has been in jail for 4 months now. Then several months ago I signed up to host Bunco next week. That’s bad timing because Arabella may or may not be going to court that day and in the evening I will be having 16 people over at my house. But my attitude throughout everything is that life goes on as normal, or as much normal as I can muster anyway.

I have come to the point of acceptance towards a lot of difficult situations in my life. Not that I agree with the poor decisions of others but more in the way of it is what it is. The best I can do is to be mindful of that and prepare myself for what is yet to come. I’ve survived a lot of difficult circumstances so right now I’m feeling confident I can handle whatever life throws at me.

Birthday and court date

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Last week I left off with my daughter getting ready to go to court and not being sure if she was going to be coming back home. The next day we went to court and we are still waiting…waiting to see if she will get into mental health treatment court. It looks good, but the process is taking a lot longer than I ever imagined. I feel like I offered Arabella false hope because the lawyer seemed pretty certain everything would be wrapped up by this court date and it wasn’t. Her next court date is in August but now I won’t mention anything about her coming home then because I was sure she was coming home this time.

It was a hard day riding the roller coaster of uncertainty and there is not much I hate more. Not to mention seeing my daughter be led out in an orange jail jumpsuit in handcuffs. If she wasn’t being released, Paul had plans for the rest of the day. He was getting lunch with the pastor who he usually meets up with once a month to talk about a book they are reading together and life in general. Then later that evening he was meeting up with his buddies for the weekly sailing race and wings at a local bar afterwards.

I didn’t want to sit at home alone and wallow, so I decided to go out and asked Alex and Lexi to go with me. A friend of my son’s dropped us off at a martini bar for a few drinks. Then we walked to a nearby brewery for supper. They ended up having a jazz band playing outside which was really enjoyable.

Thursday night my son had a gig at a bar near our cabin up north. So I decided to spend a couple days up north at the cabin for my birthday. My Aunt Jan has a cabin nearby so we got a group together to see my son play. It was an enjoyable evening. While we were out, we saw a guy that looked like our friend Jerry. He even had the same mannerisms. I asked other family members who the guy looked like and they also said Jerry. Now Jerry’s brother also has a cabin nearby and although I never met him I thought it was a good chance it could be him.

Paul sent a picture of the guy to Jerry who said no way that guy owes me money. I told him tonight we will be collecting. I just had to have enough liquid courage to go up and talk to Jerry’s brother. Later in the evening Lexi and I approached him. It turns out that Jerry was pulling our leg and the guy was not his brother. I said, “No way!!” The guy said he was from Texas and I did notice he had a bit of a southern drawl. To prove he wasn’t Jerry’s brother, he pulled out his Texas driver’s license. I showed him and his family photos of Jerry and they agreed they looked exactly alike.

Now my husband saw me talking to this lookalike for awhile and assumed he was Jerry’s brother. What I didn’t tell you before was that Jerry’s last name sounds a bit like a racial slur. We all are in agreement if that was our last name we would change it. Anyway, my husband came up and yelled really loudly hey Jerry’s last name that sounds like a racial slur. How awkward! It surely made for an interesting evening.

The following day was my birthday. I wanted to check out a nearby casino in the morning. Just to let you know, birthday is not synonymous with the word lucky. It was fun anyway. Then we ate lunch at a restaurant I really like for special occasions. I ordered king crab legs with a martini. Then we took a gravel one lane road back to the cabin. Halfway back we stopped at a bridge and I took out my magnet fishing kit. I pulled up a couple spikes that were probably part of the bridge. I still didn’t find anything interesting. No antique typewriter, not even a murder weapon.

When we got back, my son took me out for ice cream. I also rode the moped around in our yard. I turned around the corner and didn’t want to hit something so I pressed the brakes hard and flew off. I smashed one of the mirrors in the process. Seven more years of bad luck? Sheesh. Apparently I wasn’t supposed to hit the brakes hard while the wheel was turned. Lesson learned. Thankfully I didn’t get hurt.

We spent the rest of the afternoon out on the water. Angel, Dan, and Lexi joined us later after work to grill out. I tried to talk my mom into going out and doing stuff with us, but instead she went home to pick up Matt which took most of the day. When she was around, she was anxious and crabby which I found annoying. We had a campfire going in the evening, but then a storm blew in so we went inside. My mom yelled at us to be quiet because Matt was trying to sleep. It was only around 9:30 on a Friday night. But all in all it was a pretty good day.

On Sunday, I had some friends over for a murder mystery party. No one guessed who the murderer was this time. Overall, it was a good and interesting birthday weekend.

Just a few more fireworks

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Tomorrow Arabella goes to court. I thought maybe she would be getting out of jail tomorrow, but now it’s doubtful. Again, I am anxious about her being in jail and about her coming home. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. On one hand I really miss her and on the other hand she is more volatile than a mid-July storm. I want the quiet boring life, but I’m afraid it is much too late for that.

We went up north for the fourth. Alex brought up a couple of friends the first night and the second night they wanted to stay again but we had family time in mind and there was some conflict about that. We came home for the 3rd and quickly cleaned to have people over for live music at night. It was all very last minute but we had a great time. By the time the actual 4th rolled around I was exhausted. My insomnia kicked in big time and physically I felt miserable. I’m too old for a 5 day holiday weekend.

At the last minute, my son had some friends over to light off some fireworks on the 4th. I told them it was okay but they had to shut everything down by 10. They started at 9:15 and at 9:30 the next door neighbor came out and started yelling and swearing at them. He said his baby couldn’t sleep and they had to work the next morning. Then Paul got upset and kicked everyone out. There was a lot of conflict between our son, ourselves, and our neighbor. Everyone apologized and it gave us a good opportunity to work things out, but it was stressful.

We are having problems with our 17 year old cat. It is getting close to the time where I need to think about putting him down. It’s a hard decision to make. My parents aren’t doing well either. My dad is still in and out of the ER after his surgery and can’t take care of himself all that well. My mom is starting to get dementia. To be honest, she was showing signs for over a year now. But I really didn’t want to accept it. Maybe she was just stressed out or tired. Then this past weekend, she told my niece she forgot how to use the oven and asked her for help so she could make French fries. So my parents are stumbling along with my dad being the mind and my mom being the one who can still get around. Very soon there will be some more hard decisions to make.

Meanwhile, Paul had an emergency at work that was very stressful but turned out okay. At times, we are completely overwhelmed. The doctor increased my anti-depressant and insomnia medication. The last several days I’ve been sleeping better which has really helped.

It’s my birthday this week, the big 49, my last year in my 40’s. We just found out that a friend of ours was in the ER the same time I was. Except she got bad news. Stage 4 lung cancer that went into her brain. She is my age. She just got her PhD a few years back and was starting to live the life she wanted and now this. Life sure is fleeting. I feel bad because although I am going to be okay, I haven’t really been enjoying life much lately. Sometimes I just muddle through and that’s not living life to its fullest. But for now I guess it’s good enough.

What’s going on

/ Outrunning my demons / 6 Comments

So here we are again. It seems like the gratitude posts have fallen by the wayside. I want to keep on blogging but at times it seems hard because I really don’t have anything cheerful or positive to say. Well hey, if nothing else, maybe I can make you feel better about your own life.

Where did we leave off? My son had another birthday, 23. It was a great night, his birthday. We had a fire, we had too much to drink, even Paul played a game of football in the backyard with the boys and he didn’t get hurt. But after that, things kind of just fell apart. That seems to be the pattern lately, falling apart and putting the pieces back together again but somewhat askew.

I told Paul that Father’s Day would be hard. I mean, it always is because Paul never had a father and my father is kind of a douche. But I said this year would be especially hard because our daughter is in jail. Mother’s Day was hard, I tried to prepare him but nothing really could. It was a hard day. Paul had a meltdown and the day was pretty much wrecked. Now Paul doesn’t get depressed very often but when he does it is unbearable. Somehow when that happens with me it is commonplace, but Paul was always a positive guy. At least he was when I met him.

Everyday has been a struggle. It seems like things are moving forward with Arabella’s case and she might be released from jail soon and moving back home. I have a lot of anxiety about both, her being in jail and her moving back home.

Alex has been trying to cheer me up. Let’s go to the zoo, let’s go to the amusement park, let’s go get ice cream. I think he is like what Paul once was, fun loving. But at times, that gets old. Life is always a party but sometimes I long for solitude and quiet. Other times I want to play therapist for all his friends. He is trying hard to cheer up both me and his girlfriend and I can’t help but seeing the dynamic passed down through the generations.

I don’t always like his friends hanging out but I feel a sense of safety when they are here. Not too long ago Alex went out with a group of friends for a friend’s birthday. While they were out, a middle aged man grabbed his girlfriend cupping her buttocks within his hands. The man was out with his wife and another couple. After the man grabbed Lexi, he quickly left the bar. Next thing you know, my son and a dozen of his friends followed out in the parking lot. Alex yelled at the man and hit him across the face while the man tried to fight him. The police were called. Although I think my son did the right thing standing up for his girlfriend, I worried that if something happened to him I could not handle another kid in jail.

Angel has been trying hard to make sure I am okay as well. We had a girl’s night out swimming suit shopping and going out to eat which was a lot of fun. We also went to a theatrical production at a theater so small it only had 25 seats and you had to walk across the stage if you had to go to the bathroom. I am happy at least one of my daughter’s is doing well.

I got my hair cut and ended up buying some conditioner that colors your hair ever so slightly. Sometimes I get sick of my 40% gray. I think it worked pretty well to cover my gray. So well that when I was at a memorial service a girl asked me if I was going to have a baby in front of several other people. I was absolutely mortified. When I told her no she almost started crying then yelled at her dad for telling her I was pregnant. You see, I have a youthful face. And now with a lot of the gray out of my hair I look pregnant. Wonderful, just wonderful. The guy apologized to me. Then afterwards he sent my husband a text saying his wife and daughter were angry with him. Paul said it was okay that we were both laughing about it. For the record, he might have been laughing but I was not.

Then I was mad at Paul. He was just trying to save the guy’s feelings. Well what about my feelings?? Sometimes you just can’t win. I have been feeling somewhat better though. The doctor thinks I have fibromyalgia which could explain some of the problems I was having with the tremors. Remember me, I used to be a marathon runner. Up until arthritis and fibromyalgia anyway. Now when the weather turns I feel as much pain as when I used to run long long distances. I never thought this would happen to me.

Other than that, I had a little visit over to my parents. They are holding it together somehow for now. My dad hasn’t recovered fully from his surgery and it appears my mom is slowly slipping into dementia. She asked me if I babysat for someone I didn’t even know. When I replied I did not, she said that was strange because she babysat for them along with a couple of her younger sisters. It’s hard when your parents not only struggle with their mental health but their physical health as well.

Ah, sometimes I think hell can’t be much worse than the suffering we experience on earth. But hey, I will try to be more positive. The other day I went to an estate sale and found a huge high quality floor rug. Beautiful, simply beautiful. They just put it out as I was walking up and I grabbed it right away. Never mind they were selling all of their mother’s earthly possessions to try to cover the costs of assisted living. So I didn’t even haggle over the price…like I would anyway.

That’s about it around here…