Letting go

Driving? Me crazy

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Last week my son got his driver’s license.

Initially I was happy to have another driver in the house. That makes a total of 4 drivers now. There is a bit of anxiety on my part having teen drivers. Although it is very nice having hours of extra time in the early mornings, evenings, and weekends not having to take them to practice, events, work, or social activities.

Apparently, a lot of other parents feel the same way I do. Well, the part about not wanting to have to spend hours of their week transporting kids. Angel even gets paid to provide transportation for other people’s kids. Really, it sucks that much! When you are single, you can go out on a Friday night. Married people without kids can do whatever they like. Even staying home is not that bad. You could have a nice romantic evening at home sipping wine watching Netflix.

Parents don’t have that luxury. Nowadays there are just as many events on the weekends as there are on the work days. The endless birthday parties, dances, events, tournaments, etc… Even going out on a Friday night is not sacred anymore. Sorry I can’t go, my teen has plans.. So, I totally understand.

Now that my son has his license, we are experiencing new problems that we never faced before. Angel was the absolute last kid in her circle of friends to get her license. Alex is the first. All of a sudden, he is the most popular guy around. Everyone wants a ride. But there is one problem, probationary license restrictions. He is only allowed to have one passenger that is under 18 and non family. We told him that we expect him to follow the law.

Over the weekend, Paul and I went sailing for the day. We weren’t very far from home, however a half an hour drive would take several hours on the boat. To be honest with you, I stalk my kids. While I was in the harbor, trying to relax, I noticed that my son was not where he said he was going to be. When I asked him where he was and what he was doing, his response was very elusive.

Of course, my mother mind goes right for the worst. I imagine that his girlfriend broke up with him and he is looking for a cliff to jump off of. Maybe he was drinking or doing drugs?? Drag racing my car? Getting into fights? Left for dead on the side of the road?? Parking with his girlfriend? A friend called me grandma last week and told me to get used to it. ALL bets are on my son to be the first to make that happen. What can I say? I am an anxious, worried sick, terrified mother of teenagers!

Later Alex told me what happened. He is honest to a fault. He picked up his girlfriend and her best friend disobeying his driving restrictions. He said that he spoke to each girl’s parents and explained his restrictions. They said that they didn’t mind as long as they didn’t have to do any driving. The new form of law breaking peer pressure. “But mom, I drive safer when I disobey my restrictions. I drive the speed limit”. Yeah, I heard that from a lot of drunk drivers too. 

But what is it to the other parents? They don’t have to do all of the driving. They have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Whereas, my son could lose his license if he gets in trouble often enough. Points are doubled for a probationary license. I’m sure there would be a hefty fine. Plus our car insurance rates would skyrocket. God knows that he is not getting the good student discount.

What does he get out of disobeying? He is winning the approval and becoming well liked by his friends and their parents. Automatic brownie points with the new girlfriend’s parents since she lives over 20 minutes away. Why would he want to listen to us after achieving this newfound popularity? 

Maybe I am making a big deal about nothing. It could be a lot worse. It could be texting and driving. Driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Drag racing. Road rage. Lead foot. Highway hypnosis. Aahhh! I can’t worry about everything! Can I? Will I? I will try not worry about what I don’t have control over. I have to let God take the wheel and drive!!

God help me! I have teen drivers.

It’s a match!

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Taking my daughter to college orientation brought back my college days. I was on the 5 year plan. I double majored, didn’t take summer classes, and worked part-time. Half of those years, I commuted from my parents house or lived in an apartment off campus with friends. But the first year of college, I lived in an apartment on campus. 

I found it fascinating that my daughter had the opportunity to pick her own roommate. They had to create an online profile with their picture and a short description of themselves. They also had to rank themselves on several scales such as cleanliness, etc. Then when they found someone they thought would be a match, they were encouraged to talk to them more through social media which included scouring through all of their online pictures and comments. It reminds me of online dating. I mean, not that I ever used it. Being with the same person over 20 years severely limits my knowledge of online dating. Thankfully after conversations with a dozen people and a serious let down, Angel finally found the “right one”.

I really wish we had that back in the day. My first year on campus, I was thrown into an apartment with another freshman and two seniors. The two oldest roommates were absolutely psycho. I shared a bedroom with a nice Catholic girl (Krista) that never had a boyfriend. She really was into New Age music. Yeah, she was a bit strange but nothing compared to the other two.

After a couple of weeks, one of the roommates (Kate) sat us down and told us that she was HIV positive. This was back in the early 90’s, a time when everyone panicked about HIV. People thought that they could catch it from a toilet seat. What if she cut herself shaving or got a bloody nose? God forbid! My mother was ready to drag me back home. Sometimes I would come home to find Kate crying and freaking out. The other roommate (Kathy) who was her best friend would comfort her. It was always ackward. I never knew what to do so I locked myself in my room. 

It wasn’t long before the older senior girls took over the living room area. They decorated it with crazy Halloween decor and penises. The walls were plastered with that crap. One day, my mom told me that she was going to come by to visit with my Aunt Jan and her little boy. Now my Aunt Jan is very religious. I knew she would freak out if she saw the state of our apartment. I pleaded with the roommates to take down to penis pictures. Thankfully they did, although my aunt never did come to visit that day.

We also had a chore chart in the apartment. After you completed the chore, you would slide the chore down to the next person’s name. I always left for the weekends, so I would get back and all of the chores would be in my name. I ended up having to do their sink full of dirty dishes from over the weekend. I think I made a stink about it, but it was three against one. 

One day while I was doing my chore of taking out the garbage, I saw something rather interesting. I saw Kathy kissing Kate’s boyfriend. They were making out in the parking lot. After that, my roommates didn’t seem to be best friends anymore. I ran into Kathy a few months after we were no longer roommates. She told me that Kate didn’t have HIV after all. She said that Kate was just pretending so that she could be the center of attention.

Back in the day, I wish we could’ve picked our own roommates. I know my daughter will have a better experience than I did. Every weekend they have scheduled activities. I don’t remember ever having anything like that. The most fun I had was running out in a nearby field with Krista twirling around in long skirts just before a storm hit. It was my one time free spirit moment. College sounds like so much fun now that I wish I could live that part of my life all over again there. 

Even during the campus tour and auditions, it sounded like a wonderful place to be. So wonderful that I mentioned out loud to my husband that we should quit our jobs and apply. The advisor commented that they do have a few non traditional students. Last year there was an 80 year old freshman. I said, “I sure hope that he wasn’t living in the freshman dorms”. Lol.

It sure is a lot easier letting go when I know my daughter will be in a wonderful place. 

Getting my feet wet

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I survived freshman college orientation today without being too much of an embarrassment. Well, except when I straightened my daughter’s hair for her ID picture. Seriously, I was doing her a favor. Who wants an ackward picture with hair sticking out wrong for the next four years?

Being absolutely serious now, the hardest transition for me right now as a parent is viewing my daughter as an adult. For the last 18 years, I held her hand and made decisions about her life for her. Not anymore. 

It is like having a red car for a really long time, then painting it blue. It still is the same car, but different. Everytime you try to find your car in the parking lot, you look for a red car. It is an adjustment. It requires a change of thought. It is a little scary. Things aren’t the way they used to be and I can’t change it back.

Angel can’t wait for college to start. I don’t even think that she will be homesick. It will be different not having her home every night. In fact, she will be far enough away that she will only come home over college break. 

I am going to spend as much time as I can with her before she leaves home in two months. 

With that being said, we just arrived at the waterpark this evening. I think it’s time to dry my eyes and get my feet wet!

Road trip

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Angel and I decided to go on a little road trip.

Tomorrow is Angel’s freshman college orientation. Then we are heading to Wisconsin Dells for one full day at the water park. We are ending the road trip with my cousin’s wedding in Milwaukee this weekend. 

It was a long and fairly uneventful several hour drive to Angel’s new home. We saw the smallest little Bambi come out to us in the middle of the road without hitting it. We saw Amish children working in their gardens while the Amish men were working their fields with several large horses. I saw a very large man cross the road to get his mail in shorts. Little images stick in my head from the road. The men at the first stop and go light holding signs asking for change for a burger wearing better clothes than mine. The waitress at the restaurant who exchanged numbers with my daughter because they would be attending the same college together for the first time in the fall. The rest was a blur of people, places, and things but mainly fields. Field after field as we wound through small towns.

I left a list behind. A list of things that I do. Chores that need to be done on certain days. I entertain this fantasy that the others can’t live a few days without me. You would be proud of me, I let go of perfectionism when it comes to chores. I let the kids help out. I give them chore lists. I also implemented a cooking rotation. The kids get to pick out the recipe, shop for ingredients, help make the food, and clean up one day a week one kid at a time. I have given up a lot of control.

I remember a conversation with the mom of Alex’s first girlfriend. She told me that she does not allow her children to do anything because they don’t do it up to her standards. No laundry, no cleaning, and absolutely no cooking. She said that she was OCD that way. I thought about the words she said for a long time, in fact longer than the relationship lasted. I thought that I didn’t want my kids to end up marrying someone that didn’t know how to do anything. Then I pointed the finger back at myself because I really was the same way. I never wanted my kids to do anything either because it really wasn’t perfect enough. How is that going to prepare them for the future?? It doesn’t. So I decided to let go.

I give them chores and I look the other way when it is not clean enough. Sometimes I rewash the dishes. Some of my kids seem to realize that their lack of cleanliness bothers me. Sometimes they do a crappy job in hopes that they will no longer be asked. But it doesn’t work that way. 

I think that everyone will survive just fine without me for a few days. After all, they will be living a long adulthood without mommy being there to clean up their messes. 

I am planning on enjoying this road trip and spending some time with my daughter as adults all alone on an adventure…

Our house (a.k.a. Grand Central Station)

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This past weekend we noticed it for the first time. My son is now taller than my husband. When did this happen? Has Alex been hiding out in his room for so long that we just didn’t notice? He does come out every couple of hours to eat. Oh, the eating habits of a teenage boy! It reminds me of an old Looney Tunes cartoon with all of the food sitting out at a picnic when the ants come shave through it all. A big juicy watermelon with nothing left but a rind. All the food in the cupboards, gone before anyone else gets a chance to eat it unless it is very healthy.

Alex will be turning 16 this week. I already have an appointment set up for his driving test and we have been practicing. Honestly, I can’t wait until he has his license. I told you last week that he had a birthday party to go to the evening before I had to wake up very early for my 10k. It sure would’ve been nice if he could drive then.

I left this story off with being upset that Alex’s friend PJ’s mom cancelled out of picking up the boys from the party last minute. Well, it turns out that PJ never asked his mom until a couple of hours before they needed a ride. This time it was PJ’s fault. PJ has been hanging out at our house a lot over the past week because he doesn’t have internet at his house. At first, I thought that this was pathetic but now I’m wondering if this is a genius move on the parents part. First of all, their teens never want to be home so they have the house to themselves. Second, none of their kids friends want to spend the night because there is absolutely nothing to do. So they don’t end up having almost a dozen teens at their house like I practically did all weekend. Pure genius! 

Sometimes I fantasize about a quiet and clean house. I am not going to complain though. It seems like Alex is finally hanging around some better kids. Although two of his best friends are moving to different states this next week. 

After the birthday party, Alex tried to convince me that I wanted to have his 3 friends overnight in a tent before my race the next day. Absolutely not! Plus we ended up getting pretty severe storms Friday night. My daughter Angel decided that she wanted to go up north with her friend for the first time alone. I decided to let her since she is old enough to get credit card applications in the mail Geez! 

The girls ended up getting caught in the storm. They were swimming when the sky turned dark as night. They went to a bar and grill to eat and take shelter from the storm. When they got there, the power went out. The waitress lit candles, the chefs couldn’t cook. They told customers to go to another restaurant nearby that still had power. When Angel and her friend got there, it was so packed that there was nowhere to even sit. They ended up following the storm home in a horror movie setting with lightening, bloody orange skies, and branches that grabbed at the car like claws. The storm awoke the animals from their slumber. Angel almost hit a deer and a bear lingered in the middle of the road. 

Sometimes I wonder what the neighbor’s think! Being the parents of 3 teenagers sometimes we have 10 cars in our driveway but no one is home. It is ALWAYS Grand Central Station. The lights are on 24 hours a day. I am the one that goes to bed the earliest and I don’t even consider myself a morning person. My son is turning off the lights to go to bed as my husband is waking up.

Paul has been waking up at 5 almost every morning to work on his lines. He has 450 lines to memorize for the summer play. In less than a month, he almost has all of his lines down. He wakes up before the crack of dawn and sits out on the deck and repeats his lines out loud over and over. Yesterday, he woke up at 4:30. He was out on the deck talking to himself when the neighbor, who gets up early for work, let his dog out. The neighbor glanced down in embarrassment when he noticed my husband mumbling to himself on the deck. Hilarious! People think we are crazy!! With good reason, I guess!

Tonight Alex’s new girlfriend came over for supper. I was finally able to meet her. A mother is almost required not to like any girlfriend that her only son brings home, right?? She seems very quiet and nice. 

Graduation day

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This past weekend, it happened. My oldest child grew up and graduated from high school. It was a very busy weekend with a whirlwind of activity which I am sure to write about in the next couple of days.

I just wanted to let you know that I made it through the whole graduation ceremony without crying. Phew! I started the day by putting on lots of black eye makeup. I told myself that I can’t cry because I would look like a raccoon for the pictures. So we took this before picture just in case. Then both Paul and Angel admonished me in advance about not taking too many pictures. I admit I am rather trigger happy when it comes to taking pictures of important events.

During the graduation, the choir sang a very touching song. The mothers in front of me were recording it and crying. Paul nudged me several times about getting out in front and taking pictures. I didn’t want to cut off the crying moms. I also felt rather irritated with Paul bugging me about taking pictures when he said earlier not to go overboard. Although, it ended up being a blessing since it probably stopped me from sobbing my eyes out.

I did my fair share of crying over graduation the past couple of weeks.

I decided to make a conscious effort to be happy for Angel. She has such a promising future ahead of her. That is something to be happy and excited about, not to mope and cry about. But bets were placed anyway whether or not I would cry.

The great news was that all of Angel’s grandparents were able to make it to the graduation. We were very surprised to see Martha there. She decided to skip her chemo appointment in order to make sure that she felt good enough to go. She realized how important it was to Angel to be there. I am thankful for that!

Afterwards, we had a small pizza party at our house to celebrate. It was a very nice day!

Time to move on

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The marathon is over, now it is time to move on to next weekend’s big event. Graduation! My daughter will be graduating from high school. I think that I finally accepted the fact that she is ready to move on with her life without us. Over the past couple of weeks we attended her last school play, a musical that she was in, state solo and ensemble, and her last choir concert crying a little along the way. Last, last, last, and last. I don’t want to be sad about this anymore! I want to be excited about all of her new adventures in life. First, first, new, new, new..

Throughout the last several years, my mom, Paul, and I have supported Angel though all of her events. Last night Angel expressed some sadness over the fact that some classmates have two rows of family come to support them. At her last choir concert, Angel had several solos with only 3 family members there to cheer her on.

She is worried that her grandparents won’t even come to her graduation. Besides my mom, I don’t think that her other grandparents will go either unless we try hard to convince them.

My dad volunteered to work at a food stand this whole weekend. If he can do that, I am sure he could take off an hour to see his granddaughter graduate. When I mentioned attending graduation to my mother-in-law she said that she probably couldn’t afford to go. She can’t afford to drive a half an hour to her grandchild’s (free) special event? Pathetic!

Year after year, we listened to lame excuses for not attending the parties/events of our children. I don’t feel good, it is too hot outside, it is too cold, it might snow, it’s raining, I don’t have money, my car broke down, I have a casino trip planned with the girls, I can’t take off of work, I had to go shopping but I will stop by after your event, my water heater broke and I couldn’t take a shower, etc… This has been very hurtful.

My dad isn’t any better. He doesn’t make lame excuses, he just doesn’t go.

But how can we expect our parents to be good grandparents when they weren’t good parents? It is very disappointing. They can blow off all the other events, but I think a graduation is a big deal. I am planning on giving my dad a call and Paul is going to call his mom and step-dad in an attempt to try to convince them that they should go.

We’ll see what happens. If they decide not to go after we tell them how important it is for them to be there, I am ready to write them all out of my life…

We really shouldn’t have to try to convince our parents to attend our daughter’s graduation, should we??

Seeing beyond the surface

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Last weekend my aunt Jan found a body in the lake in front of her house.

I have always had a love hate relationship with my aunt Jan.

My aunt Jan is bossy, critical, and controlling. She demands that things are her way, she doesn’t ask.

When I was a young girl, we used to have family reunions. Every year aunt Jan would pressure me into playing volleyball with the family even though I told her I didn’t want to because I sucked. Then I would play horribly and she would yell at me for sucking. After that happened several times, I had a “negative attitude” by refusing to play.

Games were played by her rules. I remember a few years back being involved in a family board game when she just announced out of the blue that the game was over. We were right in the middle of the game! It really made me mad, but she packed up the pieces and put the game away.

Every year at Christmas time, she demands that Angel and I sing Christmas songs. “You are singing and you are singing right now”. It makes Angel rather angry. But for some reason, I don’t protest or rock the boat by being disagreeable despite hating being told what to do.

Aunt Jan is a clean freak.

Several years ago a few members of our family along with Jan rented a large tent camping site close to her house. In the early morning hours a freak storm popped up. We packed up our camping equipment then huddled dirty and wet in her garage. She would not let us into her house to use the bathroom because we were too dirty.

She recently hosted two bridal showers at her house. She told the guests that they were not allowed to wear spikes because it would wreck her floors. There was no clutter and not one item was out of place. She made it known that children were not welcome. Children make messes. Both times my oldest daughter (17) was invited, but my youngest (13) was not. My youngest cousin who is also a teenager was not invited. This caused a lot of hard feelings.

Unfortunately, my aunt seems more concerned about the state of her house than she is about her relationships.

You may be wondering, like my husband and daughter do, why I don’t just tell her off. Nobody’s perfect. For all of aunt Jan’s perfectionism she is far from perfect, but we love her anyway. Sometimes I need to look beyond the surface of what I see to what I know. For all of Jan’s negative personality traits, she has some really good traits too. 

Aunt Jan is one of the most compassionate people that I know. She has a big heart for those who are suffering.

Out of my mom’s four sisters, I think that Jan was the one that helped my mom through her hard times the most. She spent a lot of time listening to my mom. I could tell that she truly cared. She didn’t turn away when my autistic brother Matt had some of his darkest days like a few other family members did. I saw that she was there for my mom when she needed her the most. For that, I will always be able to overlook some of her annoying quirks. 

A few days ago, someone left flowers on aunt Jan’s doorstep. I can’t imagine how horrifying it must have been for her to find someone’s body in the lake in front of her house. When I was there earlier this month, the lake was cool, calm, and beckoning. It didn’t look capable of taking a life. 

Sometimes our eyes limit what our mind can see.

 

 

Our last supper

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Paul and I decided to take his mother Martha out to eat for one last Mother’s Day celebration where we can all be together.

A quick recap…Martha has stage 4 lung cancer that has already spread to her brain. This will most likely be her last Mother’s Day. Plus we were able to go out with all of our kids. This will also be the last time the kids are all living at home since Angel will be in college next year several hours away. So this was the big hurrah!

We took the family out to a Japanese steak house for hibachi. Martha doesn’t get to enjoy fine dining often and was very happy for the opportunity to go out. She was very sick earlier in the day from her chemo, so we weren’t even sure the evening out would happen. We thought about just cooking a nice meal at our house. But since this is the last time, we decided to go to a small quiet restaurant and make it memorable.

We had a wonderful hibachi chef. Arabella even tried some raw tuna sushi to get ready for her trip to Japan this fall. She is very brave. Martha was wearing a baseball cap to cover her bald head. Paul made sure that she received a special chef hat that they reserve for birthday parties. I took a lot of pictures.

When we received the bill, we were told that Martha’s supper was paid for. Someone at the table next to ours covered her bill.

Paul went over to the table and thanked the man. They embraced. Later the man followed Paul into the parking lot. He told Paul that his mother passed away a few months ago from cancer. He wanted Paul to pass on this generosity someday to another person going through the same thing.

Once again, the two grown men embraced. Total strangers sharing a moment of sorrow over their dead and dying mothers on Mother’s Day weekend.

Together they wept in each others arms.

I have never seen two big masculine men sobbing together in a parking lot before. Complete strangers for a brief moment sharing the same pain.

It was very moving.

 

Is my run over?

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I feel like I am letting go of my dreams.

For a long time I held a handful of colorful helium balloons. Today I let them fly off into the air. Maybe I still grasp a few in my hands. But they are shriveled up like oxygen got in them….breathe…I can’t let go of all of my hope.

Saturday I had a wonderful run. I ran 18 miles without stopping except for a short bathroom, gu, and water break. I was fast. I had the stamina I spent months training for. Life was good. At the end I felt a twinge of knee pain, but it went away after a day.

Yesterday was my first run of this week. I ran 12 miles. The first 6 miles went pretty good with my knee brace on. I had to walk 3 out of the last 6 miles. Afterwards, my knee felt fine.

Today, I decided to go for a 6 mile run but only made 5. The first mile or two I felt a twinge of pain in my knee with my brace on. Then it started getting worse to the point that I needed to walk. I was afraid that by pushing on I would get hurt. At this point, I was halfway home regardless of whether I decided to keep walking or turn around. I tried calling my husband to come pick me up but he didn’t answer.

I was feeling so angry that I wanted to take my arms like a baseball bat and knock over mailboxes. I also wanted to kick over the garbage containers that littered the side of the road. But I convinced myself that further injury probably wouldn’t help my cause. It probably would piss off the neighbors, provide them with entertainment, or I would end up crossing off going to jail off my bucket list.

The marathon is 3 weeks away. I am going to try to take it easy for the next week or two and see what happens when I try running again. Right now I am not even fit to run a 5k.

I am so disappointed. There is no way that I am going to be able to run a marathon if I can’t even run a few miles without pain.

The real kicker is that my knee feels fine right now.