Soon life will become more interesting.
I really don’t need anymore excitement in my life…
Life
Fortune cookie wisdom #51
No man is free who is not master of himself.
Wow, nothing like a fun and carefree fortune cookie saying there. This cookie packs a lot of truth. It sounds good, but unfortunately is easier said than done. Who do we know who is truly free?
I want to think I am free, but really is this an obtainable goal? I am but trapped inside of my own body that no longer does all the things I want it to do.
I also think of my friends who struggle with addiction. How easy is it for us to tell them to just stop whatever it is they are addicted to? Just stop then the addiction will be gone. We want to tell ourselves this is the way it works when we see others struggle losing everything they have at times in danger of even losing their lives. Just stop and it will all go away.
I think everyone struggles with mastering themselves, some are just better at it or care more than others. I wish I could be better at managing my worry. Just this week I worried my daughter was lying in her apartment dead because she is sick and hasn’t been returning my calls or texts. Or better yet, I should think happy thoughts when struggling with depression. That will just magically somehow take the thoughts I don’t want coursing through my head away. Or telling someone with insomnia to just try to get some sleep to count more sheep.
I really think that if most people could master themselves they already would. Maybe we will never be as free as we want to think we are.
Gratitude week 138
- I’m trying to enjoy what’s left of summer. In August we have the best weather here in Wisconsin. The stormy hot days of summer have mostly reached their end with warm days and cool evenings.
- This past week I ate, slept, breathed, cooked, cleaned, and shopped everything bridal shower. The bridal shower for my daughter Angel went better than I even expected it to.
- We had some difficult people attending the shower, but even they were on their best behavior. My sister-in-law Carla who we had issues with earlier this summer was a model aunt. She was over the top friendly towards my family which was greatly appreciated.
- I couldn’t have done the shower justice without the help of my daughter’s future mother-in-law. I’m grateful for all of her help. She’s one of those crafty type people and made a majority of the shower gifts. It seems like everyone went home with at least two gifts. She did pretty much all the decorations as well. She bought a balloon arch which I still have set up in my house with another 30 to 40 stray balloons everywhere. (I’m not too entirely grateful about that).
- I’m grateful that Angel, her future MIL, and myself stayed healthy. There is no way the shower would’ve happened if we were not able to be a part of it. My daughter Arabella had to miss the shower because she has COVID. It seems like everyone is sick again.
- I’m grateful that my daughter received a lot of nice gifts for their house. It seems like there will be a lot of cooking for them in the future.
- I’m grateful that after this past week the following week looks like it’s going to be low key.
- Leftover party food so I don’t have to do a lot of cooking.
- I’m grateful my daughter picked a great guy to marry.
- I’m grateful I don’t have to do any weeding for awhile after all of the weeding I did this past week.
- Everything has been cleaned up from the shower (except the balloons!!).
- My sister-in-law Emily spent the night with my two nieces on Friday night. It was the first time I saw my sister-in-law this calendar year. We don’t get together with family often enough, especially since COVID so it was nice to catch up.
Gratitude week 137
- Summer, even with a twinge of autumn in the air.
- Planning a trip this fall that would check another state off my bucket list.
- Going out to eat with friends.
- Spending the weekend with my friend Jen and our husbands at their cabin in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. We haven’t been up to their cabin for 10 years. (They have a cabin journal from then so it’s verified, I updated it with a new entry of our trip adventures). Honestly, we didn’t do that much. The weather was cool and rainy so the guys went fishing while we lounged around and chatted.
- Our house is still standing. After we left there was a torrential downpour and flooding downstairs in our house. Thankfully my son and his girlfriend were around to clean up the mess.
- Sleeping in my own bed. I’m going to be home for awhile and it’s nice to be home.
- My daughter’s future MIL is helping me host a bridal shower for my daughter at my house this weekend. I’m grateful I don’t have to do everything by myself.
- My friend Jen has lived a lot longer with cancer than her doctor thought she would. I’m grateful for the time I got to spend with her, because who knows…
Gratitude week 136
- Summer!
- I checked Montana off my bucket list. Nine states left to go and I’m planning on crossing off another state in a couple months.
- My new phone takes amazing pictures which I am hoping to share with you this week.
- I love to travel but nothing beats sleeping at home in my own bed.
- Visiting Yellowstone.
- Getting caught up on my long to do list after getting back home.
- Uneventful flights.
- Being married to a wonderful guy for 25 years.
- Having a husband who is as adventurous as I am and likes to travel.
- The house was still standing when we got back home.
Gratitude week 134
- My son helped me make a beat and that was fun.
- We finally finished our landscaping project we did ourselves and it cost about a quarter of the price we were quoted.
- Summer! It’s been a hot week.
- Angel turned 24 this past week. Paul and I took Dan and Angel sailing for her birthday. We had a lot of fun.
- Angel had her bachelorette party up north this past weekend. Nobody got too crazy and it was a really good time. We went swimming, walked to get ice cream, went out to eat at a supper club with live music, and played games. I got to know some of her friends better.
- The heat wave is finally over and we are back to opening the windows to enjoy the fresh air.
- The wedding shower has been planned and the invites have been sent out in the mail.
- Paul and I are leaving for vacation in a couple of days for our 25th wedding anniversary. I’m excited to check off a couple more states on my bucket list.
- It’s been stressful week, but I think most of the issues have been resolved for now.
Not seeing the sense
When will the insanity end I wonder.
Earlier this week, I took my mom to an eye doctor appointment. She needed someone with her because she was going to have her eyes dilated and needed a ride home. Once we arrived at the eye clinic, we found out the waiting room was closed to everyone because of COVID. We were given what looked like a restaurant pager and were told to wait in our car until it went off which it did 20 minutes after her scheduled appointment time.
By the time the buzzer went off I was really quite worked up about the whole situation. It was 90 degrees outside, very hot and humid. Next to us was a mom sitting in an older minivan with the windows open and car off. Inside I assume was her elderly mother, a 6 year old, a 3 year old, and a baby in a car seat. The 3 year old was having a total screaming at the top of his lungs meltdown. They looked absolutely miserable.
I was angry the clinic subjected all those people to their hot vehicles versus sitting in an air conditioned waiting room socially distanced dousing on the hand sanitizer donning masks. There wasn’t even an area they could sit outside to wait. How is this helping things?? Having people sit in hot cars to wait without A/C is now apparently saving lives. Hello heatstroke. My gosh, just imagine if someone left a dog sitting outside in a vehicle. They could’ve at least told us to expect that. I brought along a book to read in the waiting room. But instead of waiting in my mom’s car I drove to a store and walked around to get out of the heat. I picked up my mom an hour and a half after I arrived there. I couldn’t justify sitting in the car with it running for that long.
Right before the buzzer went off, my mom had to go to the bathroom. I don’t even know if they would’ve let her in to do that. I was lucky though. It was easy for me to just leave. I couldn’t imagine taking my elderly mom and three little kids. No doubt, I would’ve complained over how idiotic it seemed. It was the eye doctor, not a hospital full of sick people. But it was okay to sit with my daughter in a crowded ER with sick people a couple months ago??
I don’t see how any of this makes sense.
Gratitude week 133
- I changed my cartilage piercing for the first time in two and a half years with no issues, no swelling, and no bleeding like the last time…so after 8 years I think it finally healed.
- Fresh picked cherries and my husband made cherry pie for the first time.
- Summer!
- My birthday week…seriously, I’m all birthdayed out.
- Sailing on my birthday and staying overnight on the boat with Alex and Lexi. It was Lexi’s first time sailing plus her birthday was the day after mine…so lots of celebrating.
- Celebrating my birthday with friends and family over the weekend.
- Going out for lunch and getting a massage with my mom for my birthday today.
- My good friend Lisa quit drinking. I’m happy she is making a healthy choice and is taking care of herself. She is a friend I really worry about especially the last couple years after her teenage daughter died.
- I’m always grateful to be home and sleeping in my own bed.
Up north upset
Why does there always have to be drama with my family??
It started already before we even got up north. I invited my kids and their significant others up north for the fourth. They all said yes. It’s been a family tradition for decades and this was the first time in a long time that all the kids could go. Paul had to work all day Friday. Originally we weren’t going to go up Friday at all, but two out of three of our kids wanted to go up then.
We weren’t going to be getting up north until late. This presented a problem with supper. I was going to be bringing up all of our food and we weren’t going to be up their until at least 8 PM. Dan and Angel and Alex and Lexi were going to be riding up together on motorcycles. They wanted to leave earlier to make sure they were up there before it got dark and had limited room to bring along food. I asked my mom if she had something they could eat when they got there. But she told me they should stop at a bar. Then she said she bought 4 bags of cheese curds for my brother Mark. I was puzzled by our conversation and thought my mom was acting strange. I was also annoyed and wished I had a parent who liked to provide food for her family.
I decided just to make supper for everyone at home last minute. By the time we got up north it was after 8 and my mom was ready to go to bed shortly thereafter. Everyone up there (my mom, my brother Mark, his wife Carla, and brother Matt) was ready for bed at 9. So we moved outside to start a fire and watch the fireworks about ready to start. Mark did not talk to me. My SIL Carla yelled at me to move the motorcycle helmets off the table. That was about it. I felt like they were avoiding us.
During the fire, I found out Mark and Carla were rude to Lexi before Paul and I got up there. My mom asked Mark and Carla if they met Lexi. After being prompted several times, Mark grouchily said yes and walked away. My kids said they did not feel welcomed and that hurt me deeply.
It all started a couple years ago when my mom sent their laptop for Dan to fix and remove pictures from. Dan and Angel found child porn on the computer and took it to the police. That night up north Dan told me he did not feel welcomed by my family. He said it was all his fault too. I gave Dan a hug and told him I was happy he was there and he is not to blame for what my dad did. But Mark and Carla apparently do not feel that way. They treat my dad like the victim and Angel and Dan like they are to blame.
I awoke very early the next morning thinking about telling Carla off. I wanted to tell her about how my dad was abusive towards us when we were kids. I wanted to tell her I couldn’t count on one hand any good memories I had with my dad. I wanted to tell her that he was never nice to my kids, quite the opposite in fact. I wanted to tell her all these things, but didn’t. Maybe things would be different if he was a loving father and grandfather who struggled with addiction.
Instead that morning, Mark, Carla, and my mom went to rummage sales. Carla whipped the car keys at my brother Mark, then yelled at him when he didn’t catch them. I can’t stand how mean she is to my brother, but I’m not sure there is anything I can do about it. Thankfully I see them only a couple times per year.
Also, that morning, my son got ice out of the freezer for his water. Apparently it was Carla’s ice. She yelled at my son saying it wasn’t community ice. My son apologized and said he would buy her some more ice. I wasn’t quite so patient. I yelled as they were going out the door that it was just fucking ice. Later that day they left to go spend time with my dad. The whole experience left me angry, anxious, and depressed for almost a whole week afterwards. I can’t stand when my kids are mistreated for something they didn’t even do wrong. My daughter is getting married in less than 3 months and I don’t even want to invite half of the family I am inviting to the wedding.
Other than that, my kids and their significant others all got along marvelously. It was close to miraculous. I wish I could just focus on that and let the bad slip away. I really have to examine how much time I want to spend with my extended family if they are going to upset me so much.
Gratitude week 132
- Lists, I really like lists.
- Summer!!!
- For the weekend spent on our sailboat.
- I’ve been wanting to go on a jet ski ride for the longest time. I was finally able to check that off my bucket list.
- Our hot tub finally got fixed today! It hasn’t been working for almost two months. It seemed to take forever to get the part we needed to fix it.
- Last week was really hard after spending time with the extended family. I am doing a lot better this week so far…
- It’s my birthday week. I’m grateful for another year of life and am looking forward to celebrating.
- Being back home and sleeping in my own bed after being away for a couple of days.
- Justice! I was running some errands today and I was being tailgated bad. I’ve never wanted to brake check someone more. The guy whizzed by me as fast as he could when he got the chance then got pulled over. It made my day.
- Wildlife. We have been seeing a lot of deer in our yard. We also saw several eagles on our sailing trip and mink with their babies.
Outrunning my demons 