memoirs

17 thoughts

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This summer has been very busy and unfortunately I haven’t been able to set aside as much time as I would’ve liked for writing. Here is a summary of what has been happening which may or may not lead to future posts about the events.

  1. My mom’s POA was activated after a diagnosis of frontotemporal dementia.
  2. I set up a tour for my parents of an assisted living facility. They will be moving in this weekend.
  3. My brothers and I will be meeting over the weekend to make some hard decisions about what to do with my parents properties, vehicles, belongings, etc… As my parents are hoarders, this could take more than a year to straighten this mess out.
  4. I am still dealing with guardianship issues with my brother Matt in terms of his finances and health. My mom has been very angry with me that I am allowing him to have a diet with no restrictions. There will probably be more about this in a later post.
  5. Arabella broke up with her boyfriend. It was more of a mutual breakup and they left on good terms.
  6. Arabella has less than a month of probation left.
  7. Angel and Dan moved their camper from North Carolina to Indiana. They are doing great, but it’s been an adjustment this year not seeing them often.
  8. Paul had genetic testing done for cancer. On the test, 76 out of 77 screenings came back as normal. The other was neither negative or positive as they don’t have enough info to be certain if it’s a problem area or not.
  9. Our dog jumped the fence and was missing for 24 hours. We looked for him everywhere. We thought he was a goner until the following day when I came into the house to find him laying on the couch like he never left.
  10. The dog ran away right before I had to leave for work. That day I went in late. I left a message for my supervisor who didn’t bother to ask if we found our dog. I think that was the point where I started to despise my supervisor. The company I work for and the management really suck as I’ve seen them screw over the employees. This left me in a hard spot. I really like my job, the people I work with, and the patients. But is that enough for me to stay with a company I have no respect for because they don’t take care of their employees.
  11. Talking about employees, a previous problem employee of ours when we ran our company was convicted of felonies which landed her in prison.
  12. For the first time, I was called to go in for jury duty and was selected to be one of the jurors for a felony case involving the se#ual assault of a child.
  13. I decided to have three rings resized that were a gift from my mom when I was in my 20’s. It means a lot more to me now that my mom is ‘gone’.
  14. My son moved back into the house. He is doing really well as a musician, having a full-time job, and starting a business on the side. But in other ways he is not doing well. Like his dad, he struggles a lot with his drinking. At least at this point he is acknowledging it’s an issue he needs to work on.
  15. I really think that now is a good place to end my memoir. It’s been six years since I started it. I even finished it at one point, but life kept happening.
  16. The bar I made my stand up comedy debut in shut down. There are other venues I can try out though.
  17. There are so many things I probably forgot about…

Spring’s new start

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I started my new job yesterday. For the rest of the week I will be working remotely doing a new employee orientation. There are 60 some other people in the class with me. This will be the biggest company I worked for. I never thought at 50 I would be starting a new job in the healthcare industry, but here I am.

Since I last wrote, I took my mom to two of her appointments. At the appointment with the psychiatric nurse, I requested my mom to be taken off a medication that is hard on the brain as requested by the neuropsychiatrist. The next appointment was the first appointment with the neurologist. The neurologist seemed very concerned about the condition my mother is in. She only answered 11 out of 30 questions correctly. She was unable to think of any current events. She told the doctor we were going out to eat afterwards as the current event. The appointment lasted close to two hours. It was stressful to see how poorly my mom answered most of the questions. The doctor also said my mom had a movement disorder typically seen in the later stages of Alzheimer’s. Then the doctor ordered another slew of tests starting with a MRI.

Afterwards, my mom took us out to eat. Paul picked the restaurant as a reward for helping her keep track of Matt’s financial records. I felt bittersweet in the moment. I tried to enjoy the time with my mom but the doctor’s words rang in my head to start looking at care options soon. Her condition is not going to improve. In fact, quite the opposite is true. After going out to eat, we visited Alex at work in the music store.

The doctor said I should make sure my mom is taking her medication correctly when we got back to her house. Her pills were a mess. She had only one pill container where she put both AM and PM pills into it. I tried to help her straighten everything out but this only made her angry. She yelled at me to just leave her alone, but later apologized. I called her doctor as well because she was taking a lot of supplements and I was concerned. The whole experience resulted in another trip over with a new pill sorter with AM and PM slots and the removal of some supplements she was taking way too much of.

The trips to the doctors and bad news really took an emotional toll on me. I felt more empathy towards my mom than usual once I realized how sick she was. At the same time I felt conflicted in my mind over how toxic and difficult our relationship has been. Not everyone has close relationships with family they need to caretake. Something to be mindful of when I work in the ER.

By Friday I was ready to get out of town and make the drive to Milwaukee to see Alex’s band perform at a brewery. The venue was packed, and not just with people. There were a lot of dogs inside, kids running around, and someone even brought their pet pig. A younger man even brought his puppy over to me to hold. They said animals were allowed in the brewery because they didn’t sell food inside. However, they had food trucks set up outside and you could bring food in.

Paul and I stayed in a German Inn. The building was a hundred years old. We ate German food there and each had a flight of German beer. Everything was excellent. Then we took an Uber to see our son’s band play. I am so blessed to have two children who are very talented musicians. It’s amazing to see an audience adore them. We had a great time watching the band. Then afterwards we went to the bar with the band. We didn’t get to bed until 2 AM. I felt bad in the morning because we were probably really loud coming back to our room as I could hear the other residents awake early in the morning. It was a nice little getaway before work started though.

This weekend we will be seeing Alex’s band again and going to a film festival. I only work half a day on Friday and then I am going to get my 7th tattoo. I am getting outrunning my demons tattooed on my leg. This is something I was planning on doing once I finished my memoir. (Although, at this point, I can’t guarantee it is 100% done). However, this Friday would’ve been my grandma’s 100th birthday. As the most positive influence in my childhood, and the reason why I am here today (both literally and figuratively) I am also getting a tattoo on her birthday in remembrance of her.

My grandma passed away 16 years ago already. I am going to throw her a party by lighting every candle in my house surrounding her pictures, watching old family videos, and just sharing stories and remembering the good times with her. I am going to make cookies using her recipe because every time anyone would visit a jar of cookies would be waiting for them to take home. I want to say I will be making her favorite foods, but I really don’t know what they were because she would always make my favorite foods.

This past week I experienced a lot of ups and downs. The sadness of my mom’s deteriorating health. The joy of watching my son play in the band. A small getaway. Starting a new job in a new career. Not having the time to care for others as much with the start of a full-time job. I’m not sure if this is good or bad yet. Arabella had her doctor appointment today. This was the first appointment I didn’t go with her to in over a year. The doctor switched up her meds a bit. He also put her on a weight loss drug as her anti-psychotic meds are making her gain a lot of weight. But guess what? She managed going without me. It’s going to be a lot harder with my mom. But maybe other people need to step up and worry about it, not just me.

What is coming next

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I want to start blogging more again. Maybe I can try for once a week. I realized today I have been blogging almost ten years. It takes some form of dedication or insanity to continue that long. One of the hardest parts for me is finding people I connect really well with and then they are gone. Maybe their blogging experience is only temporary. Sometimes bloggers pass away. That component is harder for me then finding things to write about.

This past week has been difficult/emotional in different ways. The job search has lead to several dead ends. I was selected for the lucrative job I took the proctored exam for. However, I am sitting in limbo. It’s been over a month since I applied. When I reached out, I was sent a form letter stating that I am in a pool of applicants and if/when they need me they will reach out. My test results will be on file for two years and if I don’t hear anything by then I am welcome to reapply. But I am looking for a job now.

A friend told me over the weekend that she knows someone who works for the job I am waiting on. She said for the first 6 months they had to work 3rd shift until there was an opening in 1st shift. I am not willing to work 3rd shift, been there done that and don’t ever want to do that again. I would be willing to work those hours once in a while but not often. I AM, however, willing to work day shift (early morning is fine), 2nd shift, weekends, and holidays. I don’t want to work a regular Monday through Friday 9 to 5 job either. I just don’t think it would be possible for me at where I am in my life right now.

As of this last week, I am now the successor guardian for my brother Matt. However, I am not going to do everything the same way my mom did. I am not going to cater to his every whim. This is going to be an adjustment period for all of us and I am going to be pulling off the band-aid. At first I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for doing things my way, the way I think will be the best for Matt. But I had to remind myself that I have taken on the responsibility to be responsible for my brother for the rest of his life or mine. I never signed up for this. I don’t want to have a brother with a disability. But I was willing to take it on even though it was not in my best interest. There are going to be a lot of things I have to learn.

This past week my mom had her neuropsychological evaluation we waited 5 months for. We will be getting the results this week. My brother Luke went with my mom and I to the appointment which lasted 4 hours. We had around an hour to talk to the doctor about our concerns without our mom in the room. I think we were listened to and adequately described the situation. The last few months my mom’s dementia has gotten worse and she reached a new level of raw unfiltered obsessiveness and self-focus. I think she may have more than one personality disorder on top of whatever dementia she is facing. Spending time with my mom is very difficult. I have to limit it to once a week for my own mental health. I had horrible nightmares the evening of her appointment.

This is why I can’t look for a 9 to 5 job. I have several appointments during the month during the day for my mom, daughter, and will for my brother Matt as well. Also, I would like to continue volunteering for several organizations during work hours. My husband and I just finished facilitating an 8 week family class through NAMI this week. We had the opportunity to guide ten other people who are new to mental health struggles with family members. It was great to use my experiences to help other people. We had such a great group and I am sad to see the class is over.

Every week I am looking forward to several opportunities to de-stress. This week I am planning on going to trivia night with friends. The first time we did it, we won second place. This will be the second time. After taking two months off to teach the class, I had to take a hiatus from stand up comedy. I will be doing stand up comedy this week. This weekend my son’s band will be playing so I am looking forward to going with friends and family to watch them perform.

I am also planning on finishing the third edition of my memoir this week. Last year I was planning on ending it but so much more has happened to write about. I feel like I finally found a good place to stop the story. My plan is to have it completely finished by April 11, which would’ve been my grandma’s 100th birthday. Even though she has passed many many years ago, I want to celebrate her day and the life she has given to me. Without her influence in my life, I don’t know where I would be.

Other than that, my husband and kids are doing well. It’s great they are all in a good place right now. I feel like I am at a crossroads of sort. It is a very uncertain and anxious time, yet on the other side of the same coin is a sense of anticipation and excitement for what is to come next. I might take some classes and go a whole different career route. Who knows at this point? I think I should have a lot of answers this week.

Fortune cookie wisdom #53

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Let’s finish this up now, someone is waiting for you on that.

I received this fortune cookie several months ago, or who knows maybe my husband did. At the time, he said it was about finishing my memoir. Well, this past week I finished it. I thought I would feel excited, but I felt rather somber about it. Instead of relishing in the success of completing my goal, I felt like I finished my life’s grand purpose. I spent years thinking about it and working on it. I had the idea in my mind since grade school.

I know it sounds melodramatic, but what will I do next? I want to keep writing. For the first time I considered writing fiction. But at this point I’m really not sure. There is still much work to do to get my book published.

I told my daughter Angel I would let her read my book. I want my husband to read it too. This past weekend my daughter loaded my book onto a flash drive. It makes me nervous to think she will start reading it soon.

Gratitude week 163

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  1. I’m grateful we didn’t go to the yurt and were able to get a lot of stuff done. Lisa said it took 4 hours for them to hike into the yurt on a snowy hilly path with wind chills of 20 below. Then they left early, only staying one night instead of two, because they couldn’t get it to warm up more than 60 degrees inside the yurt. We picked another weekend to get together.
  2. I’m grateful that we found Arabella a car and I got it all registered and insured. I let my daughter use my car until I got it registered. I ended up driving her car to get it registered at the DMV without plates. I thought for sure I would get pulled over especially after a squad car pulled up behind me at the gas station. He didn’t even bothering glancing my way more than once and didn’t follow me. Only proves I’m a middle aged lady not even a threat at all for committing a crime. I strike fear in no one. Sad! LOL.
  3. My mom took Paul and I out for hibachi/sushi to thank my husband for helping her with Matt’s bookkeeping. I had crab rangoon sushi which was amazing.
  4. Volunteer time.
  5. Paul and I went to see our couple’s therapist who is very insightful. I think she can help us. I actually made my therapist cry when I told her some of my childhood stories. She wants me to join a woman’s group she is having and I think I will give it a try.
  6. We were supposed to get a snowstorm on the night I was planning a girl’s night with Angel, Lexi, and Arabella. We had plans to go out to eat and thrifting. The 6 inches of snow turned out to be about 6 snowflakes, so I didn’t have to cancel.
  7. I had some good finds thrifting. I was able to replenish my supply of candles and I found a murder mystery party game. Angel found multiple Stephen King books she didn’t have.
  8. The guys were able to make a lot of headway fixing my son’s car.
  9. I spent some time working on my book and feel more organized about it.
  10. I just finished a really difficult puzzle.
  11. Angel and I are going to spend some time together this afternoon sorting donations at the place I volunteer at.

The blame

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This past week I finished reading A Father’s Story, a memoir written by Lionel Dahmer the father of notorious serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer. I found a renewed interest in the story after watching the Dahmer Netflix series. I remember the story unfolding as a teenager in the early 90’s. At the time I tried to find out everything I could about the case which wasn’t much because…well…pre-internet and 4 TV channels. I did read a couple books back in the 90’s but nothing like this.

I gave the book 5 stars. The memoir was very emotional, dark, and painful to read. I could find myself relating to Lionel. I have to think that every good parent tries to seek the answers deep down within themselves as to why their child went astray. What did I do or not do that could’ve caused this? What part of me do I see in them? Why do we have this need to know or blame ourselves or others?? It was very clear to me that he was reaching at every little straw to blame himself for what his son did. He could’ve trashed his ex-wife but he didn’t. He blamed himself for his traits he saw in his son. He talked about the hopes and dreams he had for his son before he knew he was a killer. He wrote about thoughts and feelings every parent has.

At times while reading this, I found myself in tears. I could relate to Lionel’s analytical mind and his tendency to throw himself into work as a way to cope. Although I can’t relate to what it is like to have a child who is a killer, I can relate to how he felt. The book was challenging and triggering to me at times. It’s impossible to not blame yourself as a parent. I still struggle with that as a parent of a child with mental illness. I had big dreams for her before this all happened. We were going to go on college tours. But instead of going off to college, my daughter spent the end of her senior year in a residential mental health facility after multiple hospitalizations, threats of suicide, and an outpatient program.

My dreams of her living a normal life were gone. Just seeing her is a painful reminder of that. Her body covered with hundreds of self-harm scars so deep they will never fully heal. I feel somehow that some of it was my fault. I remember at one of her earlier hospitalizations one of her doctors blamed me for her condition. The research says that Borderline Personality Disorder is a trauma based disorder a majority of the time. But not always? I don’t want this kind of life for my child. She has a hard time taking care of herself and holding down a job. Nobody cares. The system doesn’t care. The dozen therapists she burned through don’t care. The multiple doctors and health care systems don’t care either.

It falls back to us as parents. Investing our time and resources trying our best to help her help herself. That’s not the life I wanted for her or myself. It’s painful especially after my daughter accused me of abuse and neglect, others thought poorly of me, and I’ve blamed myself. I can relate to trying my best and sometimes it is just not good enough. There is grief in letting your dreams for your child die. It’s so painful that at times I deceive myself with false hope. It’s awful having a child who wants to kill themselves. I can’t imagine the weight of having a child who kills other people.

The other day my son walked in while I was crying for one of the first times. I didn’t want him to see me like that. He choked up with tears in his own eyes telling me he felt sad by my pain. He tried to comfort me in the moment. He was calm, kind, and empathetic. I showed him a side of myself he doesn’t usually see and in return I saw likewise. It feels good to have the support of my spouse and other adult children for the times I blame myself for having a child who is not everything I dreamed of her being.

This week I’m reading I’m Glad My Mom Died, a memoir by childhood actress Jennette McCurdy. Oh boy, it might be a long week…

Gratitude week 90

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  1. Summer! The last couple of days the weather has been wonderful with warm days and cool nights.
  2. I just finished an excellent memoir of a girl that struggles with borderline, bipolar, and anorexia called Loud in the House of Myself. It was very personal, well written, and should’ve been a best seller. I just started a new memoir about a guy who struggles with extreme addiction to crack and alcohol. It’s been a hard book to read.
  3. Arabella still has her job. Her manager sent her home after she showed up late. Tardiness has been something she has struggled with for quite a long time. I’m so glad I don’t have to wake her up for school anymore.
  4. Yesterday my husband and I took some friends out sailing. Afterwards we went out to eat to celebrate the September birthdays including my husbands. Thankfully the weather was perfect.
  5. We are leaving for our trip in a couple days. I am excited to check a couple more states off my bucket list.
  6. I have an appointment for a hair cut and am going to get my nails done. I always look forward to a little pampering.
  7. Supper with my son and his new girlfriend got postponed until tomorrow. But she did come over with my son to do some laundry this past week. I think that’s the first time I’ve seen my son do laundry. I sat down and talked with them for about an hour and she seems really nice.
  8. I saw a wild turkey in our yard this morning. I’m grateful for our house and ample opportunities to see nature. I’ve seen turkeys now along with deer and foxes, plenty of birds, and even the 4 frogs that live in our decorative pond.

Gratitude week 89

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  1. The last few days of summer.
  2. Making it home from a run outside two minutes before it started hailing.
  3. I finished three books this week. One about introverts, a biography of a madam, and the memoir Girl, Interrupted. I just started another memoir today.
  4. Lighting a candle in the memory of the 20th year anniversary of 9/11. I can’t believe so much time has passed. It’s strange to think the my kids have no memory of 9/11 or weren’t even born yet. It was a year later that I remember taking a pregnancy test (positive with Arabella) on 9/11 just as the fire trucks passed our house with American flags waving from the back. It was a horrifying time, but we banded together in a true patriotism I haven’t seen since. I’m grateful for the heroes of 9/11. It was a somber experience to go to NYC and visit the 9/11 memorial. I will never forget.
  5. My son after being single for a couple of years started dating a new girlfriend this summer. We are planning on having them over for supper this week so we can get to know her better. Who knows, some day she might be my future DIL.
  6. I spent the last couple of days up north with my mom closing the cottage for the season. We went for some walks and took the kayaks out on the lake. The weather was nice.
  7. Since I have been uninvited to the family reunion, my daughter took the opportunity of us having a free weekend to schedule wedding dress shopping. It’s something to be excited about.
  8. I’m starting to get excited for our trip to Maine in a week and a half.
  9. I’m thankful for my geriatric pets. My dog just turned 14 and my cat is 15. My dog is chill now. No more barking. I can’t remember the last time he barked. My cat is happy to cuddle up by me. He doesn’t bring mice in the house anymore and hasn’t for awhile. This week I surprised him by buying him a catnip toy mouse. It looks so real that a couple of times I jumped when I saw it.
  10. Oh my gosh, I saw my son went out grocery shopping on a Saturday night. I didn’t even see any liquor. Maybe it’s a good sign that he is growing up? I’ll take it as that.

Gratitude week 82

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  1. Today I had my upper endoscopy re-check. Everything looked normal, so I’m grateful for that. I still feel a little doped up so bear with me if I start cracking bad jokes.
  2. Angel, Dan, and I got massages for Angel’s birthday.
  3. Since my massage was way earlier than theirs, I hung around until they were done and then they followed me to the restaurant. Why I’m grateful for this is because apparently both blinkers and break lights weren’t working. I didn’t even know it. I’m grateful that I didn’t get into an accident while my rear lights were out.
  4. Arabella’s boyfriend broke up with her. You might have been wondering if I thought he was a jerk or something to be grateful for this. I am not that mean. What I am grateful for is that her response was appropriate. She was sad and crying, but she wasn’t depressed and didn’t self-harm. She said that she knew she wouldn’t feel this way forever and that she was okay. I truly felt she handled it well. Her boyfriend is leaving for college soon and that is apparently why they broke up. I am truly grateful she is handling the break up better than I expected she would.
  5. Summer!! Oh my gosh, the weather was perfect this past weekend. We spent the weekend up north for Angel’s birthday and had a lot of fun.
  6. I achieved my sailing certification. Although sailing is my husband’s passion a lot more than mine, I wanted to know what to do in case there was an emergency.
  7. Now that I finished reading my sailing certification book, I started reading the book Educated and it is really good. I really want to dig into some really good memoirs as I want to edit and rewrite my own book soon. Wow, I really used the word really a real lot.
  8. My mom is making supper tonight.
  9. I’m grateful that my husband took me to my appointment today.
  10. I’m grateful that my daughter might have a wedding date picked out this week. Then the real fun starts…the wedding dress shopping will be so much fun!

Grounded for life, part 5

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A few days later, Randy showed up with a car full of friends in his old boat of a car wanting to go for a ride. But I was grounded. Sometimes if I knew that my mom would say “no”, I would ask my dad. He always said “yes”. I suspect that if I asked my dad if I could go out for a wild drunken night of debauchery he would still say “yes”. But no such luck, my mom was home. Plus she got pretty angry if I went past her and asked my dad. Anyway, there was no getting around it, I was grounded.

Randy drove off leaving us behind. That was not all he left behind. As Randy drove off, the guys noticed that Randy’s car was leaking fluid of some sort. Brake fluid! Back in the day, we couldn’t just call him on his cell phone to tell him. I will liken it to my parents stories of walking to school uphill both ways. How did we survive? Sometimes it is amazing that we did. Instead we worried. Randy never came back to pick up my friends. Later that afternoon, we received a call that Randy got in a car accident and was in the hospital. He was going 65 on a back road. As he approached the stop sign he didn’t have any brakes, lost control, and ended up hitting a tree head on. Luckily he walked away with a few bumps, bruises, and glass imbedded in his face and body. It was a miracle that he survived a head on collision with a tree without wearing a seat belt. He remembered wandering around aimlessly in confusion. His Def Leppard tape still playing but the front end of the car was gone.

The next day, my friends and I went to the junk yard to see the remains of his car. It was a pretty dismal sight. We wondered what our fate would have been if I hadn’t been grounded. Would some of us be underground?? I remember getting the call that night and driving my parent’s car to get to the hospital. I was afraid and crying. We were all pretty shook up. I think that God was watching out for us that day. If I wasn’t grounded there is no way we would have all survived that crash.

It has been over two decades since I saw Randy. I don’t think of him all that often anymore. To be honest, if I saw him walking down the street I would turn around and walk away. Some doors are meant to stay closed.