Parenting

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

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Day 22: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

This is a really difficult question for me right now… I see myself approaching a major fork in the road.. I don’t know where it will take me or what I will decide because there are too many unknowns right now..

I have been thinking more and more about going back to school to get my Master’s degree and then writing. I may have the opportunity to make this dream come true. If things don’t work out, I will simply keep on doing what I am doing….Nothing changes.

In 5 years…. I will be sending my last child off to college. I will have my Master’s degree and have finished my first book about growing up with an autistic sibling. I am almost done with my second book which I will write about my husband. It will be an American success story about a boy growing up in poverty, working hard, and succeeding in business. I also will complete my first Half Iron in this time frame. 

In 10 years….. I will be traveling the world with my husband taking pictures and writing about our adventures. I will be very active on my trips from all the endurance I gained from years of exercise. We will be free from anything that ties us down….Work…Debt….Pets…Our kids will be out of college and settling into their own lives. 

In 15 years…. My years of adventure and excitement are behind me now. I will be ready to settle down with a house full of cats. I will spend a lot of time in a rocking chair telling my grandchildren the story of my adventures. 

It is hard to guess what I will be doing next month, but I can see this being a plausible way of spending my next 15 years…

21. If I could have one superpower…

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Day 21: If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

The superpower of my choice would be having the ability to control minds…Bah ha ha ha…spoken like a true introverted control freak that would love to be bossy and domineering but just nags a little instead…Hhmmm..

The first thing that I would do is force my son to wear his retainer…then after that little bit of power, I would force my kids to clean their rooms and keep them clean…after that power goes to my head, I will force them to get along and never fight…

The best thing is that I would force them to think that they thought of it themselves. It wouldn’t be like they are fighting my suggestions in their heads like they usually do…This could be sooooo perfect!

If I had mind control powers, I wouldn’t use it to force people to give me money, material goods, or even love…I wouldn’t use it to make people think I won a marathon or anything…although that would be kind of nice…I’d much rather earn it..

I would my power to create harmony, cleanliness, and order…

But if I had that kind of power, why stop there??!?

I could use it to promote world peace. Imagine living in a world where everyone got along… no more terrorism, violence, and hatred…instead there would be peace, love, and unity…

Somewhere in my head a Beatles song is playing…

Wow, okay, even I wasn’t expecting that…

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to solve the world’s biggest problems? To feel like you have the power to change the world globally…To feel like you have control over making the world a better place…

That would be great, but I would be willing to settle for just having my son wear his retainer every once in awhile…

16. Five great accomplishments

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Day 16: What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

  1. Running not only one, but two, marathons.
  2. Earning my Bachelor’s degree.
  3. Staying happily married for over 19 years.
  4. Working hard with my husband over the last 9 years building a start up company and growing it into a successful business.
  5. Doing the absolute best job that I can to raise 3 children to become healthy and productive members of society.

12. A typical day

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Day 12: Describe a typical day in your current life.

ATTENTION ALL INSOMNIACS!! This one is for you!

Today is a typical Monday.

I awoke a few minutes before the alarm went off after getting exactly 8 hours of sleep. I need no more or no less..

The first thing I do after visiting the bathroom is check my phone. I may have missed something important that happened in the world in the exactly 8 hours I was sleeping.

I take my Prilosec and start a load of laundry. I do exactly 2 loads of laundry every day unless I am gone or I am doing a load of towels. Towels can be a one load day.

Then I try to coax my kids out of bed for school. My alarms get louder if I think they will be late or will miss the bus.

Then I sit on the couch and drink exactly one and a half cups of coffee while trying to  have a conversation with my husband who is playing chess online. I scrounge up something to eat, then take my daily vitamins. On Monday, I floss my teeth.

I chase the kids off to school and start another load of laundry.

Then I go for a 6 mile run on the exact same route I always take. I listen to music and sometimes sing along loudly. I get mad at the idiots who almost hit me. I wave at my fans or people that follow my road rules exactly (the ones that slow down and move over). Afterwards, I take a shower. If it is nice out, I will hang my 2 loads of laundry on the line. Then I go to work.

Around lunchtime, I put the Monday chemicals in my hot tub then write a rough draft for my blog.

Then I go back to work until the work is done or I need to take my kids to after school activities. Somewhere in there, I edit my blog post and publish it.

Then I take another Prilosec exactly one half hour before eating supper. Sometimes I make supper. We always eat supper together as a family and talk about each others day. I always clean the kitchen afterwards. Then I fold my 2 loads of laundry and put them into piles for each family member. If I have some free time in the evening, I will sit in the hot tub. If my kids aren’t home, I stalk them on my phone to find out when they will be home. If they are home, I try to talk to them. Or maybe I’ll watch some favorite shows on Netflix with Paul.

Then I say my prayers and go to bed…and start things all over again the next day..

I am all for structure, schedules, and routine…but this will be the last time I bore you with all the details of a typical day…

Are you sleeping yet??

9.Ten people that influenced me

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Day 9: List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

1. My grandma (my dad’s mother)

My grandma was the biggest source of comfort in my life growing up. She took time to patiently listen to me and always made my favorite meals when I came over. She is the number one person that helped me through childhood without totally cracking. Although our personalities were nothing alike, we did share some hobbies such as singing, working puzzles, and reading thrillers.

2. My grandpa (my dad’s father)

My grandpa was stubborn and tough. The last 13 years of his life, his health drastically declined and he was wheelchair bound. Being sick changed him, but through it my grandparents showed me real commitment through sickness and health. My grandma was selfless in her devotion to his care.

3. My mom

My mom was very influential. She taught me to have faith in God even when He seems far away. She showed me commitment by staying in an unhappy marriage. She gave me my strong work ethic. She taught me to find fault in others, but not in myself. I learned to worry and be indecisive from her. But I also learned patience, devotion, peace keeping, generosity, and selflessness from her. Those rare qualities more than make up for any areas that need improvement. She was the best mom anyone could ask for and my biggest parenting role model.

4. My dad

I learned from my dad not to care what others think of me through his eccentricity. He also gave me a propensity towards depression and irritation. I get my lovely eye rolls and sighs from him. He also showed me the importance of caring for my elders.

5. My brother, Matt

My autistic brother Matt has been one of the most influential people in my life. He has given me the most stories to write about. Without Matt, I would not be the person that I am today. He has changed my life so much, I couldn’t even imagine a life without him.

6. My great-aunt Grace (my dad’s aunt)

Aunt Grace was like a grandma to me. She was structured, a domineering firstborn, intelligent, perfectionistic, eccentric, and always right. She told me that I could do anything a man could do. She was the one who pushed (forced) me to go to college. We were so much alike that sometimes we clashed.

7. My husband, Paul

Paul is one of the most intelligent people that I know. He is constantly pushing me to try new things. He encourages me to be anything that I could possibly want to be. Our skill set and personalities compliment each other which allows us to be stronger unified than alone. He is my biggest supporter. I couldn’t have run a marathon without him cheering me on. He encourages me to keep on writing…

8. My daughter, Angelique Hope

Angel has restored my faith that there is goodness and light left in this dark world. She has influenced me to learn how to be a better singer.

9. My son, Alex

Alex has provided me with countless hours of entertainment. He keeps me on my feet and tests my sanity. But underneath it all, he is caring and we understand each other.

10. My daughter, Arabella Joy

Arabella has stretched me by being totally different from me in almost every way. She is very intelligent, eccentric, and a strategic/abstract thinker. She thinks outside the box and pulls me out of my black and white detailed thinking to see things from a different angle.

For good or for bad, my family has been the most influential in my life. Although it seems kind of tacky, my children have been very influential in my life as well.

5. Five things that make me happy

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Day 5: What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

  1. This weekend Paul and I will be visiting Angel at college for the first time since we dropped her off in August. I am happy about that. I am also happy that all of my children are doing really well right now. They are all getting great grades, hanging out with good kids, and dating people that I approve of.
  2. I am happy that all of our hard work is finally starting to pay off. We could finally afford to trade in our rust bucket of a truck for a newer vehicle, get new windows for the house, and pay for things that we have been neglecting to take care of for a long time. Even the new shoes and winter coat I ordered online fit and are exactly what I wanted. That’s a happiness plus..
  3. I am happy to cross a lot of items off of my to-do list. It is fall cleaning time. Although I don’t love cleaning, I love a clean and clutter free house just in time for winter. Cleanliness makes me happy..
  4. This is the time of year that I start planning and thinking about next summer. Planning summer races and weekend getaways are almost as much fun as summer itself. Also, Paul and I are going to be celebrating our 20th anniversary next summer. I am going to start planning a trip to the most beautiful place in the world to celebrate, Bora Bora. I am possibly planning a vow renewal and getting Paul a new ring for this ceremony (since he lost his). Planning and thinking about exciting new adventures makes me happy. Plus, after being together over 20 years, I am happy to be married to a wonderful man.
  5. Lately I have been able to run without having knee pain. I feel healthy and strong. This makes me feel hopeful and happy that I can advance my fitness goals for the next season.

3.Describe your relationship with your parents

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Day 3: Describe your relationship with your parents.

My parents then…

When I was a child, my mom and I were always close. She considered me to be her best friend. As a parent, she did the best that she could and had the perfect amount of strictness. In that area, she has been my role model for parenting. I identified with my mother. She always worked hard. She rarely sat down and relaxed. She was not one to sit and chat. She was always buying gifts for me. When times were hard, she would bring home a bouquet of flowers for me. She confided in me because she didn’t have anyone else that understood.

When I was a child, I hated my father. He never hugged me or told me that he loved me. Instead of teaching me everything that he knew, he told me I was stupid for not knowing what he knew. He never set aside time to spend alone with me. He ridiculed my thoughts, feelings, ideas, and dreams. He was very lenient. He didn’t care when I came home, who I went out with, or what I did. He never sympathized with me. He never comforted me and told me things would be alright. He was never on my team. He never took an interest in my life. He never had patience for me. When the going got tough, he checked out emotionally. If he was forced to deal with me it was usually with irritation, anger, or harsh words. He never said that he was sorry. Our relationship was generally negative.

My parents now…

Fast forward the clock 30 years..

My mom and I are still close. Sometimes I resent her for not giving me a childhood. Sometimes she resents me for having healthy children and a loving spouse, things she always wanted. There was a rough patch in there after my autistic brother Matt attacked my daughter. I felt that she sided with Matt over me. But that was many years ago now. Over time, the rough seas smoothed out into reflective glass. We lived through some very difficult times together. Despite everything that happened, we are still very close. My mother has my utmost respect and admiration for her perseverance through hard times.

My dad and I still aren’t very close, although we probably get along better now than we ever have before. All in all, I don’t believe that my dad is a bad person. But when he had to step up to the parenting plate, he failed miserably. For this reason, we will never be close. I no longer hate him. I pity him for his weakness. I feel sorrow for the relationship we never had and never will have.

California wine country

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california-2016-100

It was finally time for Paul’s birthday surprise…

We had a total of 5 hours from our conference hotel check out until our check in at the South Coast Winery Resort and Spa. It took an hour and a half to drive through the desert, back through the mountains to get there. We were looking to kill some time, which doesn’t happen often.

It was rainy when we left the desert. We made a couple of stops through the mountains to take pictures of the contrast between the sunshine when we arrived to the clouds and mist on our way out. We stopped for lunch at an authentic Mexican restaurant which was more like a fast food joint, nothing to really write about. We were hoping to check out some unique shops, but there was nothing to see. There were a few ranches with blocked off driveways and even more run down trailer homes. We ran into some rain and patches of fog, but ended up getting to the resort early. Very early..

As we got closer to our destination, the rolling mountains turned into sunny vineyards. There were billboards announcing that we were entering wine country. Then we started passing wineries. It was hard to keep our destination a surprise much longer.

Paul’s drink of choice is wine, the drier the better. My drink of choice is craft beer. I’ve heard that we have things switched around a bit…the guy is supposed to drink beer and the girl is supposed to drink wine in the relationship. We never have been much for social norms… So a birthday surprise had to include a trip to wine country.

As I mentioned, we arrived early. Quite a few hours early to be exact. We went to check in expecting to be turned away. Instead, we were very warmly welcomed. Paul was given a bottle of wine for his birthday and a free room upgrade. We were moved from the main hotel to a villa that had a fireplace and Jacuzzi. The customer service there was top notch. I kind of wanted to sneak the lady home in my suitcase and have her work for us.

After checking in, we headed down to the winery for tasting. It cost $18 for 5 tastes. We went twice over our time there and were waited on by Danny. Again, excellent customer service. He was wonderful. Some of my favorite wines were California Girl and the 2014 Riesling. Typically, at home, we do not have to pay to taste wine. In between samplings we are given crackers to cleanse our palette. It wasn’t that way here at all. We were given generous portions though and I felt a little tipsy afterwards.

The following two evenings, we ate supper in the winery’s restaurant. It was rather pricey, however comparable to a fine dining establishment at home. They had specialty foods such as lamb and calamari with unique sauces. The first night I ordered a pasta dish. Even though the portions weren’t huge, I couldn’t eat it all. My acid reflux went wild while on vacation, probably due to stress of traveling and eating different foods. Immediately the head chef came over and asked me if I was satisfied with my food. It was the second day that they used their new menu and they were very concerned that I was not happy since I did not eat all of it. I might’ve been the first person that they tested it out on, but I did like it and couldn’t offer any negative feedback.

The next day, Paul and I tried to get into a tour of the winery but they didn’t have any opening that didn’t conflict with our plans to go to the spa. Paul and I both got massages. It was rather pricey compared to at home. The massage was good, except that my stomach was still upset and I had to pee half way through which was bothersome.

Afterwards, Paul and I hung out at the pool. We sat down between a couple with two adults daughters, one being in a wheelchair. On the other side of us was a large group of young, rather intoxicated, women celebrating an upcoming wedding.

It was at this time that I became aware that Arabella and my mom were arguing. Seeing a woman with her disabled sister brought back memories for me. I think that since I had to give up a great big chunk of my childhood to take care of my disabled brother that my mother owes me a few days to get away stress free. Maybe I shouldn’t feel that way, but that is how I honestly feel. I want my mom to lie to me and tell me that everything is great even if it is not. I had to get involved and try to fix things which made things worse. Then the worry set in. Why is it so hard to relax?

I overheard the young women next to me complain about their grandmas. I felt some irritation at their drunk banter. Oh, how I longed for my grandma to be alive again. Then Paul and I went to the hot tub full of the wedding party girls. They actually thanked us for putting up with them. Apparently some of the other pool patrons weren’t quite as tolerant. We told them we were from Wisconsin. We didn’t know better.

Once the girls found out that we were married for 19 years, they started asking for advice. There were a couple newlyweds, the rest were single and looking for the secrets of marriage longevity. Paul said that he really had no idea at all what he was doing, we just adjust and make things work. Neither of us grew up seeing what a healthy marriage was like. Then I left Paul in the hot tub with a dozen bikini clad women that were half my age. I wanted to shower and get my items out of the spa before it closed. Someone asked why I would leave my husband alone in the hot tub with all of those young women. I replied, “Why stop trusting him now after being together over 20 years?”

I headed back to the spa to shower. I heard the mother of the woman in the wheelchair struggle to shower her daughter in the small stall next to me. It seemed like an overwhelming ordeal and I felt compassion for them. But they did not let her disability get in the way of her swimming and having fun with family even though it was difficult. I zipped in and out of there before they even finished showering.

We had a great time at the winery. We found the room to be very affordable. However, we ended up spending more money on other amenities such as the spa, eating there, and then of course there was the wine…

More on California

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We returned from California late Sunday night… It seems like we have been home for weeks already.

We left the Sunday before. We got up early the morning we flew out, 4 AM Central Time to be exact. I admit to being a little crazy, but not the kind of crazy that gets up before the crack of dawn on the weekend. So I set my alarm in my bedroom. I also set the alarm clock on the oven. I don’t think I know anyone that can sleep through that irritating buzz. Then just in case there was a power outage, I decided to set my alarm on my cell phone using the song Californication as a ringtone. Seemed strangely fitting.

I went to bed at midnight the night before. I wanted to wait up until my kids got home safely. I didn’t sleep well, just long enough to grind my teeth and bite little holes into my cheeks.

Despite my anxiety, we arrived safely in California. We picked up our rental car and headed through the mountains towards the desert where our conference was. The man that gave us our rental car was sick with the flu. He said he tried calling in sick but a couple of other people already did so he had to come in. I worried about getting sick. Once again, despite my anxiety, things turned out fine.

Paul was nervous driving through the mountains. There were some steep drop offs. The signs said to put on vehicle headlights, but we didn’t know if we had them on. We stopped at a scenic overlook for pictures. It was very hot out. Hotter than it ever has been in a Wisconsin summer.

I wore my Wisconsin shirt like I sometimes do when I travel out of state. When we checked into the hotel, the hostess asked where I was from. I simply pointed at my shirt. She still had no idea. I told her that I was from Wisconsin. She asked me why I had roots coming out of the bottom of my shirt. I began to think that they hired her for her looks. I explained that I am a 4th generation Wisconsinite…born and bred. Wait! I’m not. My parents had big ideas and moved to Iowa where I was born and lived for one month. Maybe I’m not 4th generation after all. Way to shatter my state pride.

After we got checked in we met up with Joe and friends. I had expectations that we would go out and have a good time, but I was really having a hard time with the 2 hour time change. Joe is from the East Coast, so it was 3 hours for him. That pretty much took most of the wind out of our sails. I really felt like a party pooper.

The funny thing is…the time change did not feel like as big of an adjustment coming back home. Maybe because things were so hectic.

I really tried hard not to worry while I was gone. I know it will probably be quite awhile before I can get away again. But I did worry. My mom and Arabella fought almost the whole time.

When we got home, my son told me that he was driving with a friend on an unfamiliar road and went the wrong way on a one way street. He was heading towards oncoming traffic and had to jump a curb.Wonderful, just wonderful! See what happens when I leave?!?

Then there was that call from school yesterday. Apparently, my son skipped lunch at school on Friday which they are not allowed to do. He took a group of buddies into our car..that was not necessarily the problem. The problem was that one of the guys couldn’t fit and went into the trunk. What an idiot! Just a stupid prank. We did go easy on Alex this time. For the first time in years, he is almost getting straight A’s in school. Last year he had straight D’s. Just when I thought he pulled his head out of his you know what..

Then the phone lines were down at work last week. We finally got all phones up and running today. Plus I almost crashed the server trying to upload my pictures last night.

Unpacking…laundry…dishes…grocery shopping..oh, and we bought a truck yesterday…a 6 mile run…work…

Tomorrow I will write about more of the trip and Paul’s birthday surprise…Not about all of this other crap!

 

Just a stranger on a plane

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Sometimes you meet someone for a brief moment in time that influences your life. Maybe just a small thought can lead to an almost immeasurable change in life’s course which over time can lead to measurable inspiration towards positive growth. Every day life is my classroom.  

I struck a conversation with the 60 year old man next to me, just a stranger on a plane.  

I tend to seek advice from older men. Maybe because in my life good advice is so lacking. This week my dad gave me a bit of advice. I was on the phone with my mom and he had to interrupt to tell me something important. I’ll try to make it as PG-13 as I can. He said something like try to have as much sex as you can. Wow, dad, thanks for the words of wisdom! As I mentioned previously, my husband Paul doesn’t have a dad. He has a step-dad Darryl. Darryl has two grown sons, both spent a great deal of their adult life in prison. So, I’ll pass on the parenting advice…thanks anyway, Darryl.

So I seek out any words of wisdom I can find from a knowledgeable older man. I seek the lifetime accumulation of nuggets of gold. I also find that older men tend to gravitate towards me. They talk to me candidly about things I could use some wise guidance on, like parenting. Things they did right and things they learned from being wrong. 

About parenting, he said that the first ten years of your child’s life are physically exhausting. From 10 to 20 years of age, parenting is emotionally exhausting. Then from 20 to 30, parenting is financially exhausting. I thought about how true his words were. He didn’t give me a clue about what things are like after 30 though. Probably because his oldest was turning 30. By the time my kids turn 30 I probably would have forgotten anyway.

I told him how much I worry about my kids. He told me that he was glad to hear that I knew what I needed to improve upon. Hmmm, what an interesting concept.

What does worry do for me anyway? 

It shows me how little control I have.

It takes away my joy.

How is anything going to change if I worry? Do I need the solution for everything that could go wrong? Do I need to have the answer for every ‘what if’ scenario that plays out in my mind? Will that somehow magically give me peace if the worst case scenario really happens? 

I am going to try to worry less. 

It has always been a struggle for me..

Just a few thoughts from a stranger on a plane.