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It’s been awhile

/ Outrunning my demons / 7 Comments

I know it’s been awhile. I’m going to try to get on here at least once a week for now until life settles down a bit. I’ve been doing pretty well considering how chaotic my life tends to be. I no longer wake up every morning with this feeling of overwhelming dread. I actually sleep fairly well at night too. I even dream and most of those dreams are not nightmares. Maybe being medicated isn’t all that bad.

Things have been going well since we last talked. We celebrated Angel’s 25th birthday by going sailing and anchoring out to swim during the day and having a party at our house at night. It was relatively drama free which is a plus. I have been busy helping Paul with work and then we took some friends out for the weekend on the sailboat. Today was my first full day at home in over a week and then tomorrow we are heading out to a resort a couple days for our 26th wedding anniversary. So far it’s been a good week. Tonight I am going with Angel, Lexi, and Alex to watch the Barbie movie. My son’s girlfriend is obsessed with Barbie so he wants to go along too.

The only bad thing that happened was that Paul had an accident on the sailboat when I wasn’t with him. He threw a spinnaker out in front of his sails and a storm popped up out of nowhere. Everything was whipping around in the wind and Paul ran out to grab the spinnaker line without his gloves on. He ended up getting 2nd degree rope burns on his hands. Then one of the lines went into the water and got wrapped in the prop causing the engine to stop. His hands had to be wrapped up like a mummy for awhile but they are healing nicely now. Thankfully everything ended up working out okay in the end.

Other than that, everything has been going well. Who knows, next week might be a different story. In fact, it will probably be. My mom’s 75th birthday is this weekend. She wanted me to throw her a party but couldn’t decide what she wanted to do until a week before her birthday which really doesn’t give me any time to plan things especially since I will not be home. Not a lot of people can go last minute. There is usually a lot of drama with the extended family.

My dad was back to urgent care this past week. He has another bladder infection and then he fell a couple days later. My parents insist on staying in their house and that they don’t need any help. It’s been stressful but at this point they still are competent so I am just waiting for something to happen. My mom has been rather harsh with my dad and my dad because of his own behavior has been ostracized from most of his family which adds another layer of complication to the situation. My parents are also the guardians of my brother Matt. I think everything is going to fall on my shoulders because my other brothers live far away.

Arabella goes back to court again next week. I’m not sure if she will be coming home or not. She has been in jail for 4 months now. Then several months ago I signed up to host Bunco next week. That’s bad timing because Arabella may or may not be going to court that day and in the evening I will be having 16 people over at my house. But my attitude throughout everything is that life goes on as normal, or as much normal as I can muster anyway.

I have come to the point of acceptance towards a lot of difficult situations in my life. Not that I agree with the poor decisions of others but more in the way of it is what it is. The best I can do is to be mindful of that and prepare myself for what is yet to come. I’ve survived a lot of difficult circumstances so right now I’m feeling confident I can handle whatever life throws at me.

More birthday festivities…

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My son’s girlfriend Lexi’s birthday is the day after mine. What she wanted to do more than anything was to go out dancing. She also wanted to go to the martini bar we visited earlier in the week. Because of shootings in the neighborhood, the martini bar now closes early on the weekends at midnight. That really wasn’t a problem because after midnight I tend to turn into a pumpkin.

Before we went out dancing or to the martini bar, Lexi wanted to go out for pizza. At the restaurant, someone told the waiter it was her birthday. The server mumbled happy birthday and was on his way. Gone are the days of free drinks, meals, or desserts for those celebrating a birthday although the celebrant tends to bring all their close friends and family out. I remember times when the whole server staff would come out and sing happy birthday. Some would even add the little cha cha cha’s and really get into it. They would come out with a cake with a little candle on it. Everyone would clap. I haven’t noticed much of that spirit after COVID though. Now they have the attitude of….so, what?

After pizza we went to the martini bar. We were having a lot of fun and things were going good. Then around 10:30 we made our way over to the dance club. It felt creepy because we had to walk through an alleyway to get inside. When we got in a security guy wearing a bulletproof vest took a copy of our driver’s license and took our picture. Still feeling a little creeped out. The whole place had this dirty and dingy vibe going on for me.

When we got inside we were approached right away by a guy who was pretty messed up asking me to buy him a drink. He was in my face. Then Lexi got in his face and told him to back off. He wouldn’t leave us alone. Then my son got involved. The guy told my son he was going to kill him multiple times. Then he started to take off his shirt telling Lexi and I to look at his muscles. Meanwhile, the rest of our group was far enough away they didn’t hear much of what the guy was saying.

A woman came up looking for the man who was still acting erratically. Then he started touching me, running his hand down the side of my body. I don’t think my son saw that because he probably would’ve punched the guy after watching him harass his girlfriend on her birthday and his mom. This is where I got in the middle of my son and this guy. I wanted to be the protector. I told the lady to take the guy home but she was almost as messed up as he was. I really didn’t want a big bar brawl. So we ended up leaving before we even got to dance. On the way out, my son told the bouncer about the guy who was harassing us.

My kids told me the guy was really messed up, not only drunk but probably on meth because he was twitching. I’ve never seen someone on hard drugs like that right in front of my face. But I know what it is like to live with someone that is violent and erratic. It’s like my PTSD kicked in and I responded to the man just as if he was my brother when he would get violent. I wanted to protect others. I ended up apologizing to my son later. He handled the situation well, I did not. I could’ve really gotten hurt if the guy attacked me. Who knows what would’ve happened if we would’ve stayed. The guy was out of his mind, aggressive, and unpredictable.

Once we left the dance club, we tried to get out of there as quick as we could before the guy saw us after he got kicked out. Sure enough, the guy got kicked out but he walked by us without even recognizing us and that we were part of him getting kicked out. Then he walked into the martini bar and my son also went back in to warn the bouncer of what previously happened. It was a crazy night out. People were so messed up, running out in front of cars when the light was green. Paranoid. On hard drugs. Is this what the world is like now?

I miss the days when a group could just go out and have fun celebrating a birthday. I like it when the restaurant you go to makes you feel special on your birthday. A time where you didn’t have to worry much about violence or strange guys touching you inappropriately.

Although, I am happy that my son’s girlfriend included us in her birthday plans.

Birthday and court date

/ Outrunning my demons / 2 Comments

Last week I left off with my daughter getting ready to go to court and not being sure if she was going to be coming back home. The next day we went to court and we are still waiting…waiting to see if she will get into mental health treatment court. It looks good, but the process is taking a lot longer than I ever imagined. I feel like I offered Arabella false hope because the lawyer seemed pretty certain everything would be wrapped up by this court date and it wasn’t. Her next court date is in August but now I won’t mention anything about her coming home then because I was sure she was coming home this time.

It was a hard day riding the roller coaster of uncertainty and there is not much I hate more. Not to mention seeing my daughter be led out in an orange jail jumpsuit in handcuffs. If she wasn’t being released, Paul had plans for the rest of the day. He was getting lunch with the pastor who he usually meets up with once a month to talk about a book they are reading together and life in general. Then later that evening he was meeting up with his buddies for the weekly sailing race and wings at a local bar afterwards.

I didn’t want to sit at home alone and wallow, so I decided to go out and asked Alex and Lexi to go with me. A friend of my son’s dropped us off at a martini bar for a few drinks. Then we walked to a nearby brewery for supper. They ended up having a jazz band playing outside which was really enjoyable.

Thursday night my son had a gig at a bar near our cabin up north. So I decided to spend a couple days up north at the cabin for my birthday. My Aunt Jan has a cabin nearby so we got a group together to see my son play. It was an enjoyable evening. While we were out, we saw a guy that looked like our friend Jerry. He even had the same mannerisms. I asked other family members who the guy looked like and they also said Jerry. Now Jerry’s brother also has a cabin nearby and although I never met him I thought it was a good chance it could be him.

Paul sent a picture of the guy to Jerry who said no way that guy owes me money. I told him tonight we will be collecting. I just had to have enough liquid courage to go up and talk to Jerry’s brother. Later in the evening Lexi and I approached him. It turns out that Jerry was pulling our leg and the guy was not his brother. I said, “No way!!” The guy said he was from Texas and I did notice he had a bit of a southern drawl. To prove he wasn’t Jerry’s brother, he pulled out his Texas driver’s license. I showed him and his family photos of Jerry and they agreed they looked exactly alike.

Now my husband saw me talking to this lookalike for awhile and assumed he was Jerry’s brother. What I didn’t tell you before was that Jerry’s last name sounds a bit like a racial slur. We all are in agreement if that was our last name we would change it. Anyway, my husband came up and yelled really loudly hey Jerry’s last name that sounds like a racial slur. How awkward! It surely made for an interesting evening.

The following day was my birthday. I wanted to check out a nearby casino in the morning. Just to let you know, birthday is not synonymous with the word lucky. It was fun anyway. Then we ate lunch at a restaurant I really like for special occasions. I ordered king crab legs with a martini. Then we took a gravel one lane road back to the cabin. Halfway back we stopped at a bridge and I took out my magnet fishing kit. I pulled up a couple spikes that were probably part of the bridge. I still didn’t find anything interesting. No antique typewriter, not even a murder weapon.

When we got back, my son took me out for ice cream. I also rode the moped around in our yard. I turned around the corner and didn’t want to hit something so I pressed the brakes hard and flew off. I smashed one of the mirrors in the process. Seven more years of bad luck? Sheesh. Apparently I wasn’t supposed to hit the brakes hard while the wheel was turned. Lesson learned. Thankfully I didn’t get hurt.

We spent the rest of the afternoon out on the water. Angel, Dan, and Lexi joined us later after work to grill out. I tried to talk my mom into going out and doing stuff with us, but instead she went home to pick up Matt which took most of the day. When she was around, she was anxious and crabby which I found annoying. We had a campfire going in the evening, but then a storm blew in so we went inside. My mom yelled at us to be quiet because Matt was trying to sleep. It was only around 9:30 on a Friday night. But all in all it was a pretty good day.

On Sunday, I had some friends over for a murder mystery party. No one guessed who the murderer was this time. Overall, it was a good and interesting birthday weekend.

Just a few more fireworks

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Tomorrow Arabella goes to court. I thought maybe she would be getting out of jail tomorrow, but now it’s doubtful. Again, I am anxious about her being in jail and about her coming home. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. On one hand I really miss her and on the other hand she is more volatile than a mid-July storm. I want the quiet boring life, but I’m afraid it is much too late for that.

We went up north for the fourth. Alex brought up a couple of friends the first night and the second night they wanted to stay again but we had family time in mind and there was some conflict about that. We came home for the 3rd and quickly cleaned to have people over for live music at night. It was all very last minute but we had a great time. By the time the actual 4th rolled around I was exhausted. My insomnia kicked in big time and physically I felt miserable. I’m too old for a 5 day holiday weekend.

At the last minute, my son had some friends over to light off some fireworks on the 4th. I told them it was okay but they had to shut everything down by 10. They started at 9:15 and at 9:30 the next door neighbor came out and started yelling and swearing at them. He said his baby couldn’t sleep and they had to work the next morning. Then Paul got upset and kicked everyone out. There was a lot of conflict between our son, ourselves, and our neighbor. Everyone apologized and it gave us a good opportunity to work things out, but it was stressful.

We are having problems with our 17 year old cat. It is getting close to the time where I need to think about putting him down. It’s a hard decision to make. My parents aren’t doing well either. My dad is still in and out of the ER after his surgery and can’t take care of himself all that well. My mom is starting to get dementia. To be honest, she was showing signs for over a year now. But I really didn’t want to accept it. Maybe she was just stressed out or tired. Then this past weekend, she told my niece she forgot how to use the oven and asked her for help so she could make French fries. So my parents are stumbling along with my dad being the mind and my mom being the one who can still get around. Very soon there will be some more hard decisions to make.

Meanwhile, Paul had an emergency at work that was very stressful but turned out okay. At times, we are completely overwhelmed. The doctor increased my anti-depressant and insomnia medication. The last several days I’ve been sleeping better which has really helped.

It’s my birthday this week, the big 49, my last year in my 40’s. We just found out that a friend of ours was in the ER the same time I was. Except she got bad news. Stage 4 lung cancer that went into her brain. She is my age. She just got her PhD a few years back and was starting to live the life she wanted and now this. Life sure is fleeting. I feel bad because although I am going to be okay, I haven’t really been enjoying life much lately. Sometimes I just muddle through and that’s not living life to its fullest. But for now I guess it’s good enough.

What’s going on

/ Outrunning my demons / 6 Comments

So here we are again. It seems like the gratitude posts have fallen by the wayside. I want to keep on blogging but at times it seems hard because I really don’t have anything cheerful or positive to say. Well hey, if nothing else, maybe I can make you feel better about your own life.

Where did we leave off? My son had another birthday, 23. It was a great night, his birthday. We had a fire, we had too much to drink, even Paul played a game of football in the backyard with the boys and he didn’t get hurt. But after that, things kind of just fell apart. That seems to be the pattern lately, falling apart and putting the pieces back together again but somewhat askew.

I told Paul that Father’s Day would be hard. I mean, it always is because Paul never had a father and my father is kind of a douche. But I said this year would be especially hard because our daughter is in jail. Mother’s Day was hard, I tried to prepare him but nothing really could. It was a hard day. Paul had a meltdown and the day was pretty much wrecked. Now Paul doesn’t get depressed very often but when he does it is unbearable. Somehow when that happens with me it is commonplace, but Paul was always a positive guy. At least he was when I met him.

Everyday has been a struggle. It seems like things are moving forward with Arabella’s case and she might be released from jail soon and moving back home. I have a lot of anxiety about both, her being in jail and her moving back home.

Alex has been trying to cheer me up. Let’s go to the zoo, let’s go to the amusement park, let’s go get ice cream. I think he is like what Paul once was, fun loving. But at times, that gets old. Life is always a party but sometimes I long for solitude and quiet. Other times I want to play therapist for all his friends. He is trying hard to cheer up both me and his girlfriend and I can’t help but seeing the dynamic passed down through the generations.

I don’t always like his friends hanging out but I feel a sense of safety when they are here. Not too long ago Alex went out with a group of friends for a friend’s birthday. While they were out, a middle aged man grabbed his girlfriend cupping her buttocks within his hands. The man was out with his wife and another couple. After the man grabbed Lexi, he quickly left the bar. Next thing you know, my son and a dozen of his friends followed out in the parking lot. Alex yelled at the man and hit him across the face while the man tried to fight him. The police were called. Although I think my son did the right thing standing up for his girlfriend, I worried that if something happened to him I could not handle another kid in jail.

Angel has been trying hard to make sure I am okay as well. We had a girl’s night out swimming suit shopping and going out to eat which was a lot of fun. We also went to a theatrical production at a theater so small it only had 25 seats and you had to walk across the stage if you had to go to the bathroom. I am happy at least one of my daughter’s is doing well.

I got my hair cut and ended up buying some conditioner that colors your hair ever so slightly. Sometimes I get sick of my 40% gray. I think it worked pretty well to cover my gray. So well that when I was at a memorial service a girl asked me if I was going to have a baby in front of several other people. I was absolutely mortified. When I told her no she almost started crying then yelled at her dad for telling her I was pregnant. You see, I have a youthful face. And now with a lot of the gray out of my hair I look pregnant. Wonderful, just wonderful. The guy apologized to me. Then afterwards he sent my husband a text saying his wife and daughter were angry with him. Paul said it was okay that we were both laughing about it. For the record, he might have been laughing but I was not.

Then I was mad at Paul. He was just trying to save the guy’s feelings. Well what about my feelings?? Sometimes you just can’t win. I have been feeling somewhat better though. The doctor thinks I have fibromyalgia which could explain some of the problems I was having with the tremors. Remember me, I used to be a marathon runner. Up until arthritis and fibromyalgia anyway. Now when the weather turns I feel as much pain as when I used to run long long distances. I never thought this would happen to me.

Other than that, I had a little visit over to my parents. They are holding it together somehow for now. My dad hasn’t recovered fully from his surgery and it appears my mom is slowly slipping into dementia. She asked me if I babysat for someone I didn’t even know. When I replied I did not, she said that was strange because she babysat for them along with a couple of her younger sisters. It’s hard when your parents not only struggle with their mental health but their physical health as well.

Ah, sometimes I think hell can’t be much worse than the suffering we experience on earth. But hey, I will try to be more positive. The other day I went to an estate sale and found a huge high quality floor rug. Beautiful, simply beautiful. They just put it out as I was walking up and I grabbed it right away. Never mind they were selling all of their mother’s earthly possessions to try to cover the costs of assisted living. So I didn’t even haggle over the price…like I would anyway.

That’s about it around here…

Hanging on

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I reached the end of my rope yet somehow still kept hanging on. An ambulance ride to the ER, two MRI’s, an EEG, and 25 vials of blood later nothing can be found wrong with me. I’ve heard that stress can kill you and boy did it do a number on me. I am feeling better, back to myself again. Or back to some sad version of me anyway.

My dad had his surgery, spent the night in the hospital, and was back in the ER the following day. But things have settled down. My brother Luke was in town and stopped by for a visit. It’s good to know we are on the same page. Our mom is starting to slip mentally. We are not sure what to do about it. She is not taking good care of our dad. But our dad made his own bed through a lot of bad decisions and has to live with that. We are going to play things by ear. Kind of like a watchful waiting.

Meanwhile, we are starting to prepare for Arabella to get out of jail. Yesterday we invited our old friend over whom we haven’t seen in over 10 years and told him our daughter was accusing him of raping her as an infant. It was a difficult but necessary conversation since Arabella spoke recently of contacting him when she gets out of jail. We know he didn’t do it. Come to find out he now lives a block away from us. I did a Google search on him and it pulled up his full address and phone number. If I could find him in two seconds, I know she will be able to as well. She could even walk to his house to confront him. We had to warn him. He had no idea why we would reach out after all these years. He thought maybe we were offering him a job or something not telling him he might have to watch his back and possibly file a restraining order.

This is the first summer I’m not really looking forward to. Life just has been way too serious lately and not very much fun. I’m not sure what life is going to look like when our daughter gets home. Plus now we have legal expenses and medical bills when I’d rather use the money for travelling.

On a good note, my husband, Angel, and Alex really stepped up when I was sick. I have a core group of people who are pulling for me. Through all of the stress, Paul and I are working together to keep our marriage strong. Although I’d rather not struggle at all, it helps to have a partner to go through this together. I’m not very hopeful for my daughter’s future, but we are doing everything we can to support her which I can say no matter what happens we did all we could.

We might have to put down our cat in the near future. He is around 17-years-old and is not in the best health. I know, I know…not a lot of good news, but that’s life. I’m just glad right now to be feeling better. What a wake up call. I thought I had MS. I had visions of myself spending a good chunk of the rest of my life in a wheelchair. It was terrifying and I can’t imagine having serious health issues. I think it opened my eyes in a new way to the suffering of others. It’s scary when your body doesn’t do what you want it to do. I couldn’t trust myself. I had to cancel the motorcycle class and I’ve decided to let that dream go.

I’ve been trying to deal with my stress in a healthy way. It got pretty scary when what was once working no longer seemed to work. I think I’m back on track again. We’ll see what happens.

Breakdown

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I think it started with the Mother’s Day letter I got in the mail Arabella sent me from the mental hospital. It was a well written heartfelt letter telling me what a great mother I am. When she called me later that afternoon from jail I was looking forward to talking to her. But since she wrote the good mom letter her mood had changed to me being a bad mom. The contrast from the letter to the phone call the same day I read it was from day to night. She accused my husband and I of horrible things to the point where my husband walked away from the call and I stayed. She blamed us for being shitty parents and that is why she is in jail.

It was that day I decided to let it go. I had to accept she is never going to change. Everyone had been harping on me to let go and let God. I don’t understand how people can find comfort in God. Although I loosely believe all I seem to find is anger and pain. I made the choice to let go and I stopped caring. I had finally reached the end of my rope. I drank more than I ever drank in my life. I just didn’t care. I didn’t even want to live anymore. I struggled with insomnia and nightmares. I woke up exhausted and my body ached.

Arabella called me about her delusion that an old friend of ours sexually assaulted her. She asked me what I thought of it. I asked her if it was possible she was delusional to think our friend raped her while she was sleeping as a child. She said what I was saying was correct, he didn’t rape her as a child but as an infant. She said she was planning on finding and visiting him when she gets out of jail. My stomach dropped. We have to find him before she does. He is in danger.

Meanwhile, my mom cancelled my dad’s surgery. I don’t think she wanted to take care of him after the surgery because she had plans for an extended weekend away to celebrate her sister’s birthday. She asked if I would take care of him. I told her I was busy. I had to work Friday and Saturday then had plans on Sunday to watch Angel complete her first half-marathon. Afterwards, Paul was going to show me how to do some paperwork for our business and we had some things we needed to do around the house because come Monday he was scheduled to work 9 days straight. It’s the busy season for our business.

My mom left anyway. On Saturday my mom asked if I could take care of my dad. She said he wasn’t able to carry food with his walker. I replied if dad needed me to help him give me a call and I would try to figure something out. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. That is when the tremors started in my arms. My mom never responded to my text but decided to come home early. She posted a picture of herself at home that evening on her BeReal looking disappointed.

The next morning I started having tremors in my hands, face, and legs. I was having a hard time walking. I hadn’t been feeling well and had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for later that afternoon. My son insisted on taking me after he saw my tremors. At the doctor’s appointment I was tremoring pretty badly. The doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong. She ordered a MRI and took 15 vials of blood. I didn’t bother trying to hide how stressed and depressed I was. I was always mistrustful of telling the doctor about the severity of my anxiety and depression and that I have PTSD. I was afraid I would be committed and medicated. But I no longer fear that because with my daughter I realized how much of a joke the mental health care system is. I did relent to being put on anti-depressants though.

The tremors turned into seizures where I was fully conscious. I started to think something was seriously wrong with me like MS. I had other symptoms too. My eyes hurt. They were blurry, puffy, and very sensitive to light. At times I had double vision. I stopped eating. Food stopped tasting good. I felt nauseous and my stomach was upset. I only ate a few bites once a day after being forced by my family. I couldn’t even be tempted by my favorite foods. I was still experiencing insomnia. I felt numbness and tingling in my arms similar to the feeling right before a blood pressure cuff is released. My body ached. I couldn’t focus on anything and the exhaustion was overwhelming. I struggled at times to think and speak. I thought my life was over.

My dad was in and out of the ER. One day my mom posted a picture of him on BeReal in the hospital in a gown on a gurney with a nurse taking care of him. I don’t know how I felt about my dad and the possibility of him dying. I can’t even remember the last time I saw him.

Thursday night Arabella called and said grandma was going to bail her out of jail if it was okay with me. We got into an argument. I felt angry with my mom thinking she threw me under the bus. I told Arabella she can’t get out because if she messed up again with the felonies against her it would mean prison. But she didn’t listen. Then I talked to my mom. My anger turned to worry. She was worried about my dad. She was worried because she thought my brother Luke was angry with her. She dumped her problems on me and I felt stressed.

By Friday morning of Memorial Day weekend my seizures got worse. I could barely walk. My mom texted me my dad was back in the ER. Then as Paul was checking on me from work, I had a huge convulsion where I fell to the floor. I hit my head on the refrigerator. Paul could hear me flopping on the floor. He called our son to come over and check on me. Alex found me convulsing on the floor. It wouldn’t stop and I had no control over it. Alex called 911 and told them to please hurry. He talked calmly to me, patted my arm, and told me I was going to be okay.

I could hear the sirens getting closer. The next thing I know there are a whole bunch of people in my house. They gave me a shot of Benadryl, but the seizures still didn’t stop. They strapped me in a chair and put me into a gurney then got me into the ambulance. They gave me another shot, this one was painful and the seizures stopped. They tried to put an IV into my arms but they both collapsed. They were talking about my veins out loud and I thought I was going to throw up. They finally got an IV in my hand. I felt tired and dizzy as I watched the traffic behind us as the ambulance took me to the hospital without the sirens on. I watched for my son’s car but couldn’t see him.

The next thing I know I was in an ER room. A few minutes later Alex and Lexi showed up with Angel and Dan. I could tell my kids were frightened and crying. Paul left work early and was on the way. My best friend works in the hospital and soon she was on her way too. They set me up to get a MRI right away, but the seizures started up again. This time they put me on a strong anti-anxiety medicine. Paul arrived right before they wheeled me into the MRI. I was in and out of dreams. I heard loud noises. My family went to the cafeteria and waited. They thought it would take a half an hour and it took two hours. They thought maybe I would die. At the end I was awake. I felt a lot of pain in the back of my head. I was becoming restless.

The doctor came in after everything was done. He said he was puzzled by my condition. The MRI turned out fine. I didn’t have a brain tumor and it didn’t show up anything concerning. They told me to contact neurology after the holiday weekend and sent me home. The seizures continued. I imagined my life in a wheelchair. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to be a burden for my family.

My daughter cancelled her plans for the weekend including going out of town for a friend’s wedding. She worked out of my house. She did the cooking and cleaned my house. She wouldn’t let me be alone for one second. She didn’t let me walk alone. My son helped out with appointments and wouldn’t let me leave his side while he was with me either. My kids really stepped up. Even their friends offered to help. Arabella didn’t know anything about it. Even my dad called several times to check on me which was puzzling because of our relationship. In those ways, it brought us all closer.

For the first few days everyone was amazing. They treated me like I was on my deathbed, all hugs and love you’s. Everyone thought I could die. Then they became desperate. My husband was sobbing because he felt helpless and didn’t understand why I was suffering the way I was. He never cries. He became a Google doctor. He thought maybe this was a side effect of my sleeping pills. He wanted me to stop taking them. So did my son. His girlfriend and Angel thought it was dangerous to just stop taking my meds. They were discussing me like I wasn’t even there. No one knew what to do.

Meanwhile, my mom went up north for the holiday weekend and left my dad home alone. My dad ended up falling in the middle of the night and calling the rescue squad. My sister-in-law Carla got into a fight with my mom up north. She screamed at my mom out in the yard, regardless of the neighbors around, for cancelling my dad’s surgery and not taking good care of him. She totally lost her shit and my brother Mark had to leave with her.

Arabella yelled at Paul saying he turned grandma against her. She said someone in jail might pay her bond if she does special favors for them when she gets out. My daughter could be showing up on our doorstep at any time. Without talking to me Paul asked my parents if they would take her in if she shows up. My dad went to the ER again. My mom told us my dad wants to die. Paul said to her well join the club. I thought my husband was going to have a heart attack he was so stressed.

I kept having seizures. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to die. At other times I felt a great amount of fear like I was going to be attacked. Any small thing could set me off.

They told me to get an appointment with the neurologist after the holiday weekend. The earliest they could get me in was the middle of July. They told me to call everyday to see if there were any cancellations. I was able to get in the end of the week. My husband raced me there like I was going to the ER. He was incredibly stressed and almost got into a couple accidents on the way. As I was sitting in the full waiting room I started having convulsions again. I started crying saying I didn’t want to do this anymore. They took me in to do an EEG right away. They also took 8 more vials of blood.

Although I didn’t get all the test results back yet, the nurse said she couldn’t find anything wrong with me. She basically told me in a polite way that it was all in my head. She didn’t think it was ALS or MS, she thought it was from stress. My husband was overjoyed exclaiming it was wonderful news. I was pissed. I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like I didn’t have any answers. If it’s all in my head why would my body do this to me? I can handle a lot of stress. I felt embarrassment and hatred towards myself. I just wanted to crawl in a corner and die. My husband asked why I wasn’t happy with the news. Did I want to die? I told him spending the rest of my life with a serious illness is not how I wanted to die. I just couldn’t believe my body would betray me like this. How could I trust myself? I had to cancel my motorcycle class. I’m not even allowed to drive right now.

After the appointment, I started to feel better. I’m not going to die. I started to eat again. Every day I’ve been having some small tremors but nothing major. It was a very traumatic experience for my family and I. Through it we learned some important lessons. I really matter to my husband and two oldest kids. They will be there for me if I need them. It was a wake up call to find a way to de-stress. In some ways it was a positive experience.

I really hope nothing like this ever happens to me again. I just wanted to explain what happened and why I was gone.

Gratitude week 177

/ Outrunning my demons / 3 Comments
  1. Angel and Dan completed their first half-marathon today.
  2. They had a lot of family and friends who came out to support them.
  3. The weather has been beautiful the last couple days.
  4. We will be taking the pool cover off today, then we are all ready for summer.
  5. I passed the online portion of the motorcycle class.
  6. I’ve really been having a fun time volunteering as a film screener.
  7. My husband had his annual physical with no issues.
  8. I’m making a lot of progress on my book.

Gratitude week 176

/ Outrunning my demons / 2 Comments
  1. We found a nice day to sail our sailboat to its summer home.
  2. I started magnet fishing. I didn’t find anything cool yet, such as murder weapons, but I did get two screws and a bungee.
  3. Paul, Angel, and I went to a NAMI family support group meeting.
  4. Our women’s group decided to meet once a month and we met over this past weekend.
  5. I saw my therapist.
  6. My son quit his job and decided to go back to school. He is also helping us part-time with our business. It really is nice to have him be a part of things more.
  7. I went to Bunco (didn’t win) but was able to visit with some people I haven’t seen since before COVID.
  8. My son and I went shopping for flowers today. I did end up buying a banana plant. We’ll see if it bears fruit before I kill it.
  9. Mother’s Day went better than I expected. I have been kind of down because today is my daughter’s 20th birthday and with that and Mother’s Day it’s really hard that she’s in jail.
  10. So…Mother’s Day…My daughter and her husband spent the afternoon with me because they visited his mother the previous night. My husband smoked ribs. My mom came over for lunch which was nice because I haven’t seen her for over a month. It was a cold day so we stayed inside and played craps. My friends came over with fresh fish to surprise us. They visited for a long time which was really a mood booster. Angel, Alex, and I started the process of creating a song together. Then later in the evening my son and his girlfriend took me to the casino. It was a really good day.
  11. Our industrial dehumidifier went out but thankfully that was an easy fix.
  12. Everything is finally in bloom. We are entering my favorite time of year.

change the system

/ Outrunning my demons / 4 Comments

My daughter is going back to jail today. Trying to get her treatment was a big waste of time. They did change up her medicine a bit. They gave her something to calm her, help her sleep, and for PTSD. I want to know what gave her the diagnosis of PTSD. What trauma??

I called and called the treatment center. Sometimes no one answered the call. One time the nurse said I needed to talk to the therapist. I left several messages with the therapist. The only time she called me back was to tell me my daughter was being released. Apparently she is the only therapist for the whole ward. I asked to speak to a doctor but was told they were too busy because this was their third job. They barely had 5 minutes to talk to patients. From that 5 minutes, they allegedly gathered more information than the patients family who spent a lifetime with them.

Yesterday I finally found a nurse who was willing to listen. I told her my daughter was having delusions. The nurse said Arabella did not report having delusions. I told the nurse my daughter is not aware she is delusional. I told her my daughter is in jail for felonies relating to having delusions. I told her my daughter is suicidal because she made comments of life not being worth living once she is released. I told her I am afraid Arabella will kill herself or hurt someone else from the delusions she is having. I was feeling very hopeful after our conversation.

Then the case manager called and dashed every hope I had. I had plans yesterday afternoon which I was late to because of having to take her call. She said the likelihood of Arabella getting into a group home is virtually impossible. Even if I sell my soul and offer up my firstborn. She said I should look into a residential treatment facility. We decided we are not going to pay for that again. She gave me other numbers to call but said they probably wouldn’t talk to me because my daughter is an adult. She said my daughter will be released tomorrow. They think she is just trying to stay to get out of jail.

I am absolutely livid. The mental health system in the US is one big fucking joke. No wonder why there is so much violence. If only we had a system focused on suicide/homicide prevention and the treatment of mental illness!! My hands are tied. I’ve done everything I could do and it wasn’t enough. I’ll just watch as my daughter hurts herself or someone else.

I have lost all hope and faith in the system. I don’t have a lot of faith or hope left in anything. It takes a lot of courage to continue when everything I do seems pointless.

I just got home from taking my daughter back to jail. It’s very upsetting that she did not get the treatment she needs. Arabella said the therapist only talked to her for 5 minutes and only to ask her why she was in jail. The facility is very understaffed. Even Arabella felt she did not get the treatment she needed. She wanted help as much as we wanted help for her. On the way back to jail, I stopped at the gas station to get her pizza and soda. She won’t be home for Mother’s Day. They will be putting her back into isolation for the next 10 days. She will be spending her 20th birthday in jail in a cell by herself for 23 hours of the day. Something must be done to fix the broken mental health system. Stop the senseless loss of life. I am so pissed and motivated to fight the system and advocate for mental health reform. I had no idea how bad things are. But now that I know, something must be done.