Spring’s new start

April 9, 2025 / Outrunning my demons / 2 Comments

I started my new job yesterday. For the rest of the week I will be working remotely doing a new employee orientation. There are 60 some other people in the class with me. This will be the biggest company I worked for. I never thought at 50 I would be starting a new job in the healthcare industry, but here I am.

Since I last wrote, I took my mom to two of her appointments. At the appointment with the psychiatric nurse, I requested my mom to be taken off a medication that is hard on the brain as requested by the neuropsychiatrist. The next appointment was the first appointment with the neurologist. The neurologist seemed very concerned about the condition my mother is in. She only answered 11 out of 30 questions correctly. She was unable to think of any current events. She told the doctor we were going out to eat afterwards as the current event. The appointment lasted close to two hours. It was stressful to see how poorly my mom answered most of the questions. The doctor also said my mom had a movement disorder typically seen in the later stages of Alzheimer’s. Then the doctor ordered another slew of tests starting with a MRI.

Afterwards, my mom took us out to eat. Paul picked the restaurant as a reward for helping her keep track of Matt’s financial records. I felt bittersweet in the moment. I tried to enjoy the time with my mom but the doctor’s words rang in my head to start looking at care options soon. Her condition is not going to improve. In fact, quite the opposite is true. After going out to eat, we visited Alex at work in the music store.

The doctor said I should make sure my mom is taking her medication correctly when we got back to her house. Her pills were a mess. She had only one pill container where she put both AM and PM pills into it. I tried to help her straighten everything out but this only made her angry. She yelled at me to just leave her alone, but later apologized. I called her doctor as well because she was taking a lot of supplements and I was concerned. The whole experience resulted in another trip over with a new pill sorter with AM and PM slots and the removal of some supplements she was taking way too much of.

The trips to the doctors and bad news really took an emotional toll on me. I felt more empathy towards my mom than usual once I realized how sick she was. At the same time I felt conflicted in my mind over how toxic and difficult our relationship has been. Not everyone has close relationships with family they need to caretake. Something to be mindful of when I work in the ER.

By Friday I was ready to get out of town and make the drive to Milwaukee to see Alex’s band perform at a brewery. The venue was packed, and not just with people. There were a lot of dogs inside, kids running around, and someone even brought their pet pig. A younger man even brought his puppy over to me to hold. They said animals were allowed in the brewery because they didn’t sell food inside. However, they had food trucks set up outside and you could bring food in.

Paul and I stayed in a German Inn. The building was a hundred years old. We ate German food there and each had a flight of German beer. Everything was excellent. Then we took an Uber to see our son’s band play. I am so blessed to have two children who are very talented musicians. It’s amazing to see an audience adore them. We had a great time watching the band. Then afterwards we went to the bar with the band. We didn’t get to bed until 2 AM. I felt bad in the morning because we were probably really loud coming back to our room as I could hear the other residents awake early in the morning. It was a nice little getaway before work started though.

This weekend we will be seeing Alex’s band again and going to a film festival. I only work half a day on Friday and then I am going to get my 7th tattoo. I am getting outrunning my demons tattooed on my leg. This is something I was planning on doing once I finished my memoir. (Although, at this point, I can’t guarantee it is 100% done). However, this Friday would’ve been my grandma’s 100th birthday. As the most positive influence in my childhood, and the reason why I am here today (both literally and figuratively) I am also getting a tattoo on her birthday in remembrance of her.

My grandma passed away 16 years ago already. I am going to throw her a party by lighting every candle in my house surrounding her pictures, watching old family videos, and just sharing stories and remembering the good times with her. I am going to make cookies using her recipe because every time anyone would visit a jar of cookies would be waiting for them to take home. I want to say I will be making her favorite foods, but I really don’t know what they were because she would always make my favorite foods.

This past week I experienced a lot of ups and downs. The sadness of my mom’s deteriorating health. The joy of watching my son play in the band. A small getaway. Starting a new job in a new career. Not having the time to care for others as much with the start of a full-time job. I’m not sure if this is good or bad yet. Arabella had her doctor appointment today. This was the first appointment I didn’t go with her to in over a year. The doctor switched up her meds a bit. He also put her on a weight loss drug as her anti-psychotic meds are making her gain a lot of weight. But guess what? She managed going without me. It’s going to be a lot harder with my mom. But maybe other people need to step up and worry about it, not just me.

Safe people

August 22, 2024 / Outrunning my demons / 5 Comments

I spent the last couple of days in Wisconsin Dells, the waterpark capital of America. I never really understood why the waterpark capital would be in state with such a cold climate. But I’ve learned not to question such things and decided to hop in the car for a little road trip. I was accompanied by my husband, son, and his girlfriend.

We were there to celebrate my son’s belated birthday. (His birthday was on Father’s Day). And more importantly, we were celebrating Alex going back to tech school and obtaining several certificates in music. He recently found a job in a music store which he seems to like. Meanwhile, he is still creating music and performing with his band. Maybe, at 24, he is finally finding his place in life and figuring out who he is and what he wants to do.

We went after rescheduling the trip three times. The weather this summer has been very odd. It seemed to rain every other day. Every time it rained, it really poured. But you know what they say about the third time. It was a real charm. We had sunny but not overly warm days. The best part, because it was so close to school starting, we didn’t have long waits in lines. We had a great time.

I didn’t go on very many rides. I never had a high tolerance for intense rides, but now my tolerance is much lower as I age. Lexi never went to the outside waterparks before. Thankfully she liked the intense rides so my son didn’t have to go alone. About half the time Paul went with as well. I didn’t mind sitting and watching. It was kind of fun to just watch them.

While I was at the bottom of the slide watching for Alex and Lexi, Paul left to head to the bathroom. He came back a few minutes later with a little girl and a baby in a stroller. What?? Apparently the little girl was frightened because she couldn’t find her parents. She came up to Paul and asked for help. She left the baby in the stroller and walked around with Paul in search of her parents. I went to the stroller and looked inside. There was a sleeping boy somewhere around 18 months old. The girl told Paul she was 6.

I felt a surge of anger rise up in me. What kind of parents would leave their 6-year-old in charge of a baby so they could go on rides?? After about 10 minutes, the girl saw her parents coming off of a ride and her anxiety and fear visibly turned into relief. Paul comforted her the whole time and reassured her that her parents were coming back for her. Then he delivered the kids to their parents and we were on our way. I asked him if he said something to the parents about keeping a better eye on their kids. He said he didn’t because the parents were from a different country with a culture different from ours.

I said it shouldn’t matter. Responsible parents don’t just leave their little kids behind to go on rides. Geez, what could possibly go wrong? Two little kids left alone around water not far from the wave pool. The little girl asking a stranger, a man by himself, for help. Good thing she asked Paul. And I was afraid to leave behind my phone to go on rides. A million scenarios were going through my mind about what could’ve happened to those kids, none of them good.

I wish I could say I didn’t see the kids again, or better yet I saw the parents taking the kids on rides. But I saw them two more times at the park. The second time I was sitting at a table waiting for my clan to get off a ride. There they were at the table next to me. I went over and talked to the girl who was sitting on the table. This time the baby was awake and babbling in his stroller. The girl was no longer afraid being left behind. She spoke to me until my group got off the ride and we left.

The third time I saw the kids, they were sitting at the same table. The girl was sitting on a chair dozing off in front of the stroller. It seemed like she had been waiting for a while. I felt fearful for them. I wanted to tell off the parents. Paul asked me what I was going to do that was going to change things for the kids. Paul was right, there was nothing I could do except be a safe person for those kids. Although telling off the parents would make me feel better, it could lead to a worse situation for the kids.

I had to let it go and focus more on what I can influence and change. In that moment, life was good. We were on a mini vacation celebrating my son’s accomplishments. The weather was good. The parks were quiet. And for a moment some tiny hands reached to ours knowing we were safe people.

Gratitude week 174

May 1, 2023 / Outrunning my demons / 7 Comments

It’s May! (Although I’m not too sure I can trust the calendar as we awoke to a snowy, blustery day).
We had safe travels on our road trip to Traverse City, Michigan. It was a scenic drive along Lake Michigan. We visited several wineries, a brewery, a distillery, and the casino. We played games, sat in the hot tub, and had a birthday cake for our new friend.
My best friend’s husband was able to take off of work for the trip. We literally did not know if he was going to be able to until late the night before we were leaving.
We had a lot of fun and laughter on the trip. I wasn’t sure how it would go as we went with one couple we didn’t know very well. But it went great!
My best friend lost her money at the casino. Literally, she lost her coin purse with money inside of it. Someone turned it in to the lost and found with all her money still inside.
We tried playing craps and won. We still have a lot to learn, but it was nice to learn something new and apply it.
We didn’t lose any money at the casino. We broke even which is a win.
It is nice to be back home and sleep in my own bed with clean brand new sheets.

Gratitude week 173

April 24, 2023 / Outrunning my demons / 4 Comments

We started learning how to play craps and roulette on the gaming game I found at a rummage sale.
Volunteering and helping others.
Going to the thrift store and area rummage sales. I didn’t find anything too exciting but it’s fun to look.
One of my best friend’s Lisa and her husband came over this weekend from out of town. We haven’t seen them in almost 7 months so it’s always great to get together. We had a lot of catching up to do.
A couple months back, our vet retired and closed his small practice. Today I brought my 16 year old cat to a new vet. It went better than I expected. I really like the new vet. He is personable, knowledgeable, and funny.
Our cat hasn’t been in the best of health and I was afraid I might have to put him down. All of my concerns were addressed and there are some options for treatment…so he has some more time left with us.
We have our extended weekend road trip coming up in a couple of days. When my best friend’s husband put in his vacation request, it was denied. It’s looking like he might be able to go now.
My kid’s made it home safely from their road trips over the weekend.
I had a good appointment with my counselor.
I ran some errands and was able to find a motorcycle helmet and jacket. I’m grateful to try a new hobby.

Honorable mentions of our trip

August 17, 2022 / Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

The big highlight of our trip was visiting Yellowstone and the sites I’ve already shared with you in Idaho. However, there were some other stops we made that are worth mentioning…

On our second day, we visited the Minidoka Historical Site where thousands of Japanese Americans were imprisoned after the attack on Pearl Harbor during WWII. The camp was located in the middle of nowhere. Thankfully we arrived at opening time because they were closing early due to a heat advisory and a broken A/C unit. We were able to visit the historical center with tons of photos and artifacts, watch a video of survivors, and take a tour of the camp. Honestly, it was hard to keep a dry eye learning about this tragic chapter in US history.

The camp was not fully preserved and intact, but we were able to tour some of the buildings. The building on the left was the cafeteria and the building on the right was where 6 families lived. They were not furnished inside, just empty buildings. There wasn’t a fee to visit the historical site and take a tour. It was a solemn adventure off the beaten path, but worth the stop if you are interested in history.

Afterwards, we decided to take a drive to Jackpot, NV to try to liven up our spirits a bit. It seemed we took a lot of back roads and even had the experience of watching a crop duster spray the field we were driving next to. I’ve only experienced seeing that a few times in my life and never so close.

Jackpot is right across the border of Nevada. It was a town created when Idaho outlawed gaming back in the 1950’s. It came up when I googled things to do around Twin Falls, ID since it was 45 minutes away. The pictures made it seem like it would be full of wild, wild west casinos but mainly it was a small area along the highway with outdated machines. Quite a different feel than Las Vegas which we visited earlier in the year. Paul and I had a set amount of money we were going to spend. I lost my allotted amount right away at Cactus Pete’s. Paul gave me some of his winnings and we walked across the street to Club 93 where we spent the rest of the afternoon and came back with most of our money.

Our last day of vacation we spent in West Yellowstone buying souvenirs for my mom, our kids, and their significant others. There were tons of shops to spend money in but after awhile everything was pretty much the same in each store. Surprisingly the stores were not a lot less expensive than the ones within Yellowstone. As far as dining on our trip, there wasn’t anything really impressive.

I felt like we had our down time days on the first day and last day of the trip. The rest of the time was run, run, run and it would’ve been nice to break it up a bit. For flying in, we spent a lot of time on the road. I’m glad I decided not to add a couple of days in Oregon and Washington to the trip, it would’ve been too much. I’ll have to check off those states some other time.

Gratitude week 56

January 24, 2021 / Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

1. I’m grateful that we were able to go on our vacation.

2. I’m grateful that so far things are going pretty good at home.

3. I checked visiting Arkansas off my bucket list.

4. I’m grateful I planned ahead and was able to get an appointment for a couples massage and healing soak at the Quapaw Bathhouse.

5. I just crossed Mississippi off my bucket list. We are driving through it now.

6. I’m grateful that I was able to find the Packers playoff game on the radio so I can go back home still married.

7. It’s awesome to be able to write a post on my phone during a long car ride.

8. Tomorrow my mom is getting her COVID shot. Maybe we’ll get to see more of her now. I’m hoping that this will ease her extreme anxiety.

9. I’m grateful to be heading towards warmer weather.

10. I’m grateful for a husband that not only loves to travel but is also athletic with me. We hiked all day yesterday at Hot Springs National Park. The high temp was 44, but it was still 40 degrees warmer there than at home.

Before the Door closed…

November 21, 2020 / Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

By far my longest, yet favorite, day as a census employee was spent on Washington Island in beautiful Door County. Door County is located on the thumb of Wisconsin. It is a peninsula surrounded by Lake Michigan on the east and the bay of Green Bay on the west. Washington Island is located at the top tip of Door County where the bay and the lake collide commonly known as Death’s Door for the rough waters and the shipwrecks below.

In the summer, Door County is the boater’s delight. We’ve spent many hours sailing this area and even renewed our vows on the uninhabited carless Rock Island which is on the tip of Washington Island. Door County is a top tourist destination in the summer. Along with the majestic waters and lighthouses, Door County also has excellent soil for cherry trees unlike the rest of our state. The waters, wineries, fish fries, and specialty gifts makes this spot a vacation paradise in summer. However, the winters are especially harsh making this the perfect location for a seasonal summer home.

I left home very early on the Friday of Labor Day weekend to drive up the door and catch the car ferry to Washington Island. I was hoping to beat the crowds and I did. A lot of houses in Door County are seasonal and we were hard pressed to close out as many cases as we could before the door closed. I saw two other census employees on the island that day.

I decided my favorite mode of census transportation was the car ferry. It was the only way to get my car there. It was a windy day and the water was rough. Waves splashed over the ferry to give us a free car wash. Sprays of water sprinkled onto the upper ferry’s outer deck feeling remarkably fresh. It was wonderful being on the water with the wind blowing through my hair. I felt adventurous.

The island had the regular island vibe as I drove off the ferry until I got to the inner paths which were rather desolate for a holiday weekend. At times I drove on a one lane dirt path which I was questioning if it would even be passable. Once I drove on the regular road again I had to pull over because I had sticks wedged into the undercarriage of my car that rattled annoyingly as I drove. A passerby stopped to ask if I was alright.

At times I totally lost my map and all cell service. That was problematic because we did all of the census interviews via cell phone. On the way to the island another census worker offered me paper interview forms. I brushed it off saying I was fine and later was upset with myself for not having any extra paper just in case. I had to rely heavily on the map they gave me on the car ferry. It was hard not to get turned around.

I saw a lot of wildlife on the island. As I was approaching someone’s house, I thought I saw several cats. But as I got closer, I noticed they were foxes. I never got as close to a fox in the wild as I did on that day. All the islanders were nice, but I heard rumors of recluses that didn’t like outsiders. But they never answered the door when I knocked.

I talked to one man who had a seasonal property. He said his wife was having problems with the census at home. She filled it out multiple times but they kept coming back. Then we found them while they were on vacation. I thought it was rather funny.

Labor Day weekend is the last unofficial weekend of summer for the seasonals. I did make my way back to Door County after the holiday weekend and didn’t have much luck. My guess is that a lot of seasonal people will be finding census notices in their doors come spring.

It became harder to close out cases when everything was closed down and no one was around. I had to be creative. I noticed that several places had pesticide application lawn care signs. I decided to call the company and was able to close out a lot of my remaining files because they had a database of seasonal properties. I knew most of the properties were seasonal already, but I needed more than just a thought to close them out.

Seasonal properties were problematic. The census did not allow you to put more than one property address. If you filled it out on one property, it wouldn’t be completed on the other property. Then you would get a visit from us. This was an issue for snowbirds too. Then throw in COVID and it was a big mess. But I liked those interviews a lot more than the dangerous addresses.

A weekend in Chicago

January 20, 2020 / Outrunning my demons / 4 Comments

We decided to take our foreign exchange students for their first trip out of the frozen tundra. My husband had a conference in Chicago. We thought we would kill two birds with one stone. Now that I think about it, boy is that a strange expression.

Unfortunately, I had to break the bad news that although we were heading south it wouldn’t be any warmer. We took off after school on Friday. We were planning to stop halfway for supper, but decided to keep going after I saw the big blob of heavy precipitation on the radar. The temps were hovering around the freezing point.

The sooner we could get there the better. This caused some hangry arguments from our daughter. Tears were shed. In fact, all three girls cried before we even got to Chicago for various reasons. That’s life with teenage girls.

We got to Chicago in a torrential downpour during rush hour. Meanwhile, I frantically tried to scrounge up some green for the tolls. They don’t just nickel and dime you anymore. We checked into the hotel Fieldhouse Jones then found a place to eat. Our daughter said her culinary arts teacher raved over a restaurant which we were glad was close to the hotel. We ate an average meal there and left to see a sign that they didn’t pass their health inspection to find out later the restaurant was nothing special, just a chain. Thanks a lot!

That night the hotel didn’t have any open parking spots, so Paul had to drive around several blocks to find an open spot in the rain after dropping us off. I felt like we were visiting Gotham city.

I let the girls pick what they wanted to do in Chicago. The girls were interested in seeing Mean Girls, but the cheapest tickets started at $150. We all thought it was too pricey so we didn’t go. I suggested the aquarium to deaf ears. Estelle wanted to search for something called the bean. Then they wanted to shop until they dropped. Me personally, I would’ve preferred to drop shopping.

We set out late the next morning. Our first stop was the Hard Rock Café for an early lunch. While I was there, I started feeling very light headed. My body started to freak out like it tends to do when I break out of my normal routine. I thought maybe I was dehydrated and started to guzzle down globs of gross chlorinated city water. But after that I felt better.

Then we set off in the rain to find the elusive bean. We circled around the city blocks only to circle around again for another time. Skyscrapers sometimes mess with maps on country folks phones. I created my own detour when we got to a sketchy area I didn’t want to walk down. It seemed unsafe. I didn’t want my nightmare of the girls getting murdered to come true. I felt nervous worrying about their safety because I didn’t even know where I was. With all of the trafficking and crime, you can never be too safe with young girls unfamiliar with our culture. It was a big responsibility.

We finally made it to the bean which was like a huge mirror in the shape of a bean. (See pictures below). We walked and walked some more and shopped. It was a cold, windy, snowy, rainy type of day. By late afternoon we put on 6 miles. It was getting dark and the prospect of walking back to our hotel in the dark was not very positive. The girls wanted to take an Uber back. Again thoughts of murder crossed my mind. An Uber or walking back on the dark rainy streets?

We took an Uber back. Our driver was great. He was a philosophizing theologian. We had an extremely deep conversation about life which was right up my alley. Later that evening Paul, the girls, and I went out for Chicago deep dish pizza. Since I am dairy free, I ordered mine with vegan cheese. It wasn’t the greatest. Vegan cheese looks and tastes like glue when it melts. My husband still makes the best pizza. Sorry Chicago. Everyone else was happy.

Then the next morning we headed out, but not before Paul and I played a close game of air hockey at the hotel. I was very impressed with the hotel. The décor was very unique. Plus we were able to get an affordable two bedroom room. One on the rooms had two sets of bunk beds. The other room had a double bed with an outside wall a couple feet from the El. I thought I would be up all night with the noise, but it wasn’t bad. That says a lot from an insomniac who can’t sleep well in her sleep number bed set to her comfort in her perfectly dark, quiet, and cool bedroom at home.

We thought we were going to have to drive home through a snow storm, but thankfully it never showed up. It’s hard to believe that our time with our foreign exchange students is half over. In a few months I will go from having four teenagers in my house to zero. Our son will be turning 20 the same month Clara and Estelle leave. Then our daughter Arabella is applying to be a foreign exchange student in France living at Estelle’s house. I’m trying to enjoy every moment I can because in the blink of an eye it will be over.

I’ll close with a couple pictures…

Taking the long way home

January 7, 2018 / Outrunning my demons / 1 Comment

Last night Angel and I got back home from the Lana Del Rey concert. We ended up taking the long way home…

We headed out to Minneapolis early Friday afternoon and got to our downtown Minneapolis hotel by late afternoon. It was still cold outside with wind chills below zero. Even though we were only a couple blocks away, I was concerned about walking outside on a cold frigid night.

The hotel had an indoor walkway that we could walk to the concert in, but it closed at 8 PM. Although we had a map, we got turned around several times in the walkway. There weren’t as many signs as we thought there would be. Someone stopped us and gave us the wrong directions. We met up with another couple that was just as lost as we were. The girl was wearing a mini skirt and a jean jacket. I told her that she would have to walk back outside on the way back.

Surprisingly, despite getting lost, we made it to the concert a little early which gave us time to go through security, find the bathroom, and get a drink before the show. I spent $15 on a 4 oz old-fashioned that tasted like utter crap. I watered it down with Angel’s soda but it was still undrinkable. Gross!

Angel’s friend was going to meet us there and sit by us, but she came down with the stomach flu. The show itself was phenomenal. It was the biggest concert I ever went to. Before that the biggest concert I was at was back in the early 90’s seeing Reo Speedwagon at the county fair. This was Lana’s first concert of her new tour, so being the first show and being an inexperienced concert goer, I really didn’t know what to expect.

I was thinking about bringing ear plugs, but Angel said that would make me look way too old. I was already instructed not to look like a mother. Some of the young girls barely wore any clothes which concerned the mother within me a whole lot on such a cold night. There were a few other middle aged concert goers. Most were in their early twenties. The whole row behind us seemed to be in their early 20’s and were all smoking pot. The young couple next to me was making out the whole time. Seriously, I could have used a better drink.

Afterwards, I was satisfied that my ears did not ring. The acoustics were great. Lana played a lot of songs that we knew and she had a great performance. We walked back to the hotel in the cold. I had a hard time pulling up the hotel on my phone’s map. I was a little afraid that we would walk around the city in circles until we froze to death. Although my daughter is an adult, I felt responsible for her safety. We were very cold, but we were able to find our way back before we froze to death.

The next day we had lunch plans with an old college friend that lives near the city. She hadn’t seen my daughter since she was a toddler. It has been over 8 years since we last saw each other. We had a really nice visit, but had a long drive home.

I fell asleep on the way home which hardly ever happens. In my defense, I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night and felt rested. I was the only one that knew how to get home and since I was sleeping, we missed the exit. I woke up to different scenery. We drove a few more miles before I had the nagging suspicion that something wasn’t right. Sure enough, my little siesta cost us an extra hour of driving.

What good is knowing the way if I couldn’t show the way to go?? Seems like another whole philosophical blog topic, but I am much too tired to form a thought. I would like to think that we circumvented a crash on the interstate. But the truth is that I am getting old and tired..I fell asleep and wasn’t paying attention.

However,the long way home was a more scenic route with its rolling hills, cranberry bogs, marshes, reeds, and woods. I wanted to stop several times to take pictures, but I also wanted to get home and felt bad for making our trip a lot longer than necessary. So I snapped a few pictures when we stopped for a stop sign.

Angel and I did a lot of talking on our long trip home. It was nice having some uninterrupted time to visit. Next weekend she will be leaving to go back to college. It will probably be a couple more months until we see each other again. Despite taking the long way home, we had a lot of fun together..