This winter

February 25, 2024 / Outrunning my demons / 4 Comments

This winter has been the warmest winter ever recorded in Wisconsin.

It feels like winter lasted all of two weeks in the month of January. We had a week of snowstorms followed by a week of bitterly cold temperatures. That’s been about it.

It feels like we are still waiting for it to arrive. But the summer birds are coming back and the trees have been prematurely budding for the last couple of weeks. I think I even heard someone start up a lawnmower.

A lot of tourism dollars were lost on the mild winter. I’ve seen more people on motorcycles this winter than I ever did before and no one on snowmobiles. I didn’t go cross-country skiing or snowshoeing. After the week of snowfall, it was too cold to enjoy it before it was gone.

However, the menfolk still made their annual ice fishing trek to the far north woods this past weekend. There wasn’t a lot of ice on the inland lakes, just enough to walk on. Lake Superior didn’t freeze over. No one was driving big trucks, snowmobiles, or even 4 wheelers on the ice. This year I didn’t even see one ice shack.

Some people like it, others don’t. Some feel trepidation about liking it and remind others who are too joyful of the blizzard we got in April a couple years back. Some worry about the economy, global warming, the environment, the farmers, the tulips, and drought.

One thing is for sure. No matter what we say or think, we don’t have control over the weather. We can knock on wood as much as we please, but that doesn’t change a thing either. Why do we think our words have the power to jinx things? Even the weather forecasters with expensive equipment can’t get things right.

We just need to move on with life and keep on living even when the patterns we live by are off. No one is certain what the future holds. That is true even about the weather.

It seems strange though. I wonder what the rest of the year will bring.

Freezing to death

January 16, 2024 / Outrunning my demons / 4 Comments

I naively thought we might have escaped the harshness of winter with our unseasonably warm December and start of the new year. Until last week, that is. We got hit with several snowstorms and kicked the weekend off with a blizzard. Then we plunged right into arctic cold wind chills.

Paul was supposed to go on an ice fishing trip in the far north woods of Wisconsin. The mild winter only produced a couple inches of ice on the northern inland lakes and Lake Superior has open water. Usually by this time of year, people are driving their trucks on the lakes and have their ice shacks set up. This year with the weak ice followed by a blizzard then arctic cold, the trip got cancelled. Although the ice is forming fast now.

While Paul was gone, I had plans to go on an overnight trip to a casino. My friend Sue, who won a small jackpot months before, had to be present for a chance to win a car and $100,000. Paul said since his plans got cancelled, he would be willing to drive us there in his truck. But with the weather, we weren’t sure if we were going or not. Normally the trip takes us two and a half hours. But since half the trip is small towns and back roads, no doubt it would take a lot longer. The side roads would be snow covered and slippery since ice doesn’t melt in subzero temperatures if the roads are not plowed right away.

We decided to brave the trip. If we waited for perfect weather conditions in our state, we would be hibernating half the year. Late Saturday morning, Paul and I set off for our trip with Sue and her husband. We had supper at an Italian restaurant with really good food. Then we went to the casino. The drawing for the car and chance to win the money was at 10 PM. While there, I saw several people win big jackpots. The place was packed with jackpot winners waiting for their chance to win yet again. Sadly, Sue didn’t win. But we had a fun time anyway.

Arabella was home watching the pets. I spent a lot of my time worrying that the dogs were going to freeze to death. It was the first night we left the dogs for the night. Even if I am home, I am very paranoid the animals are going to freeze to death. Maybe the cats will sneak outside with someone. Maybe Arabella will let the dogs out then forget to let them back in. The maybes start swirling through my head faster than the snow in the blizzard winds.

Why am I always so worried about my animals when it is cold outside?? Then it hit me. As a child of around 13, I did have some animals freeze to death when I wasn’t home. It was probably around October and it was freezing at night. Two of my outdoor cats had kittens. One had 6 and the other had 4. One of the mama cat’s was a good mom and the other cat was not. The mama cats were sisters and they took care of each other’s babies. At night, I had to lock the cats in with their kittens because one would stay and the other would not.

We hardly went anywhere, but that night we got home late. Too late, in fact. One of the mama cat’s was with a box of babies and the other was not. The box of babies without the mama cat froze to death. My mom said I needed to bury the box of dead kittens. I found a shovel. It was dusk when I found a good burial spot. The ground was cold and hard. But I was able to dig a little hole. I put my hand into the box to pick up one of the fluffy kitties. I screamed when I touched the kitten’s little frozen body. I couldn’t do it. The kitten was so cold and death was so final for these babies. I started crying and threw the box, kittens and all, into the weeds.

I felt awful. Maybe their deaths could’ve been prevented if I didn’t go somewhere with my mom and brothers. I blamed myself. And on Arctic bitterly cold days, I can’t help but worry it could happen again.

Christmas is (almost) over

January 9, 2024 / Outrunning my demons / 1 Comment

I bet you were all on the edge of your seat wondering if I made it through the holidays. I did!! This past weekend I took the Christmas trees down. Although, today, with our first named winter snowstorm it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas after an unseasonably warm December.

I usually take my tree down on New Year’s Day. I decided to leave it up a little longer because I was having a winter themed murder mystery party with friends on Saturday. The game ended up being stressful because one of the couples had to cancel last minute. I was desperate to find two more people. As a last ditch effort, I asked my son and his girlfriend to play. I was surprised when they said yes and even found costumes with less than an hour until game time. Although this was the most poorly written murder mystery game I’ve played, I had a great time with all our kids playing.

Sunday, Paul watched the Packer game with some family and friends while I took down the trees and decorations. Usually it is a sad time for me. But this year I was ready to let the holiday season and 2023 go.

The weekend before I hosted a Christmas party for my family and New Year’s Eve with friends. For the most part, everything went pretty well. My sister-in-laws at best seem to tolerate my side of the family. My SIL Emily is rather boring and comes from a close to perfect family. My nieces Eva and Gracie are closer to her side of the family. We are the ‘other’ family. Luke and Emily also have a foreign exchange student this year. She is kind of whiny and I think Eva and her leave Gracie out a lot. They showed up the night before. Gracie was sick. She was coughing so hard she threw up on herself. But everyone insisted she was fine. She just had a cough for a couple weeks.

My SIL Carla was in a good mood. There is a 50/50 chance she will be raging and pissy or the best SIL in the world by being friendly, fun, and exciting. Thankfully, she was the later. I found a recipe to make chocolate martini’s and her glass was never quite full enough. We had a great time playing games after all the hoopla.

The hoopla itself was another story. Dan and Angel had a sick kitten, so they weren’t sure if they were even going to come to the party. Thankfully, it all worked out. After lunch, Gracie, Carla, and I cleaned the kitchen. Gracie wanted to stay at my house for the week but wasn’t feeling well and didn’t bring extra clothes as she lives far away. I told her some day, hopefully soon, we will make plans.

After everything was cleaned up, it was time to open gifts. When we get together with my family, we buy my mom gifts and she buys everyone gifts but we don’t exchange gifts with each other. Usually my mom goes overboard on the gifts. This year was no exception. Well, except for Gracie. Gracie didn’t receive any gifts. I did order some gifts for Gracie on Amazon for my mom using her credit card. Her credit card listed some of the purchases as fraudulent although other purchases did go through. I told her she needed to call her credit card company. She did, but couldn’t verify what we purchased together so they cancelled her order and credit card. Although she did the same thing last year without problems. She forgot to bring Gracie’s other gifts. I could tell Gracie felt pretty hurt, but she was a good sport.

Then when it was time to go home, my mom didn’t know how to turn on her headlights and came back into the house for help. She got lost on her way to her extended family Christmas party two weeks before. I don’t know how much longer my parents will be able to stay in their house. I tried to talk with my brother Luke about it but he didn’t really want to talk about it. I didn’t have the chance to talk to Mark about it. We only get together as a family twice a year, so I probably won’t see my brothers until this summer. I want to have a plan in place before then.

New Year’s Eve was a bust. Not a lot of people were able to come; some were sick and other’s had family plans. My best friend’s son came with his family; his wife, a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn. It was hectic and it’s been a long time since I had to worry about childproofing. Everyone was tired out. We didn’t play any games. I fell asleep while everyone was watching the Packer game. Everyone seemed to have a hard time making it to midnight. My son had a party next door and everyone left right after midnight too.

The weekend before was Christmas Eve at my best friend’s. We had the kids over for Christmas day and Paul’s step-dad stopped in with his fiancé later that evening. It was an excellent weekend. Paul and I even bought each other the same gift. The weekend before that was my mom’s extended family Christmas party. I am all partied out.

I cried after Thanksgiving was over. But with back to back parties several weekends, eating tons of rich foods and desserts, making Christmas cookies and chocolate martini’s, I think I’m ready to go back to my normal life. I only have two more Christmas parties to go… But I am done hosting. Too much of a good thing can be exhausting and that seems to make it easier to let go. Not to mention that 2023 was not a good year to write home about. Good riddance! This year I hope to get the blessings and joy package instead of the trials and tribulation pack.

So far 2024 seems pretty decent.

The darkest day of the year

December 21, 2023 / Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

It’s been unseasonably warm here in Wisconsin. It looks like we will set an all time high record on Christmas day. No white Christmas for us this year. We barely had any snow fall yet. It doesn’t feel like Christmas is just a few days away.

Today on the darkest day of the year, I always think of my great-uncle Harold. He would’ve been 98 years old today. Every year on his birthday we would go to his house and celebrate with him. There would be steaks and pineapple upside down cake. Aunt Grace would serve food on the multi-colored Fiesta plates, the only day of the year they would leave the pantry. It was one of the few days we saw Harold laugh and tell stories. Most of the time, he was next door working on cars at the family business.

Harold died unexpectedly the year Paul and I got married. I remember the last time I saw him. Paul and I were visiting my family to tell them the exciting news we were going to have our first child. We were able to tell everyone except Uncle Harold. He was outside working on a car while talking to clients. We didn’t want to interrupt him so we asked Aunt Grace if she could share the news. That was the last time I saw him alive.

We never really know how much time someone has left. If I knew, maybe I would’ve waited longer to talk to Harold. I think that is where a lot of my irrational guilt kicks in. If I’d only known, I could’ve done something different. I’m starting to let go of things, but it takes time to process. I couldn’t prevent the suffering of the people I care about and that hurts.

I tried reaching out to our previous employee today. But it was too little too late. I haven’t seen her for 5 years and I thought I could do something to prevent her from struggling with addiction, from committing a crime, and even from the attempt I think she tried to make on her own life? I want to help people. I want to fix them but I can’t. It’s as if I am wanting to play God and even He does not step in to keep people from physically dying and making their own choices.

I am feeling a lot better today. I wasn’t feeling the greatest yesterday, but I decided to volunteer yesterday and I’m glad I did. For awhile I forgot about my own pain. I spent a half an hour holding the baby of a homeless teen mom. He brought me joy as I held him and made him laugh. The mom needed clothes for her kids and was on her last diaper. She is a single mom living in her car with a two-year old and a baby. We had a record number of people who came in needing help yesterday.

Yesterday we had a new woman sign up for help from Africa. She is a single parent who recently came to America. She doesn’t speak any English and has zero education. She lives in a bad neighborhood. What really struck me was that there were several women from the same community that only speak Swahili. They are all parents between the ages of 20-25, the ages of my own children. I can’t even imagine what that must be like and to have absolutely no education. There is a language barrier with a lot of families that come in. It’s my goal this new year to become fluent in at least one other language starting with Spanish because I do know a little from high school, like way back from the last century.

There was a woman who came in that got arrested last week for child abuse. Ever since my own daughter was arrested, it’s really changed my view of criminals. Offering to help someone in need does not equate with me agreeing with the choices they make. They are people too. I am not afraid of them as much anymore. But that doesn’t mean I would walk down an alley by myself at night in a bad neighborhood.

Then there was the lady who stayed at the domestic abuse house. There was the lady that didn’t know she was pregnant with twins until two months before they were born. The people who reek of alcohol, cigarettes, and weed. The mentally ill. The intellectually challenged. Those who are going back to school to try to build a better life. The grandparents raising grandchildren.

I can’t go back and change anything in the past. But I can move forward and help people today.

The places I volunteer at are really hurting for volunteers over the holidays. So I decided to sign up at the places the next two days. Tomorrow helping families in need and Saturday at the cat sanctuary. I almost enjoy holding the cats as much as I enjoy holding babies. I especially love the feral cats or the cats that don’t warm up well to other people.

Maybe I can do some good to negate some of the bad in the world.

Gratitude week 167

March 12, 2023 / Outrunning my demons / 7 Comments

My mom and I were able to go snowshoeing this past week. We are having another snowstorm, so I see more snowshoeing and cross-country skiing in the near future. It’s been a very snowy late winter.
My daughter and her husband got a new kitten this past week. I’m grateful she is adding joy to their lives.
Volunteer time; it was good to go back after taking a couple weeks off.
I had an eye exam this past week and will be getting new glasses. I’ve been having some minor problems with my eyes, mainly sensitive, irritated eyes with blurry vision caused by a blocked tear gland. I can’t even cry right anymore. Seriously, at this point I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry. I’m grateful to find out what is going on and that it will be a long time before I have to go back again.
I signed up for a motorcycle class at the local Harley Davidson. I’ve been thinking about it for years but have been nervous about signing up, so now I did.
I saw my first robin this past week. Even though there is tons of snow on the ground and more coming…spring will be here soon…right??
We had a volunteer night at the sailing club to put our summer sailing brochures in envelopes. Previously our friends Harv and Kate were doing it themselves and it took them 6 hours. With a large group, we got the job done in a half an hour.
It was nice to see Harv and Kate again. They are somewhere around 90 years old and Harv has been in poor health. I’m grateful to have some wonderful older friends to look up to. They have been married for 62 years and are a great example of what marriage can be.
As a Christmas gift, we had our pastor and his family over to grill out and swim. It was a lot of fun to see the little kids having fun in the pool.
We also had our friends over for trip planning last night. Next month we are taking a road trip to Traverse City, Michigan. We had a good visit.
While our friends were here last night, we saw a red fox walk right by the window. That’s not something we see very often.

Gratitude week 166

March 6, 2023 / Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

I’m grateful to catch a break with a trip to the Caribbean.
While we were gone, it snowed two feet. We were able to get out and go cross-country skiing for the first time this season.
My brother Luke and his family spent the weekend at our house. We watched his daughter compete in a swim meet.
Yesterday we went out to eat for Paul’s step-dad’s 70th birthday. It went a lot better than I expected it would.
Arabella’s face is healed and she went in for her court assessment today.
Paul and I had a good meeting with our couples therapist this morning.
We were able to see Angel and her husband every day over the weekend.

Gratitude week 165

March 1, 2023 / Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

We made it out before the big storm came.
I checked the continent of South America off my bucket list.
Nobody died while we were gone.
It was refreshing to visit the Caribbean and sit on the beach for a few days.
I’m grateful that February is gone and winter is almost over.
It’s good to be back home and sleep in my own bed.

Gratitude week 163

February 12, 2023 / Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

I’m grateful we didn’t go to the yurt and were able to get a lot of stuff done. Lisa said it took 4 hours for them to hike into the yurt on a snowy hilly path with wind chills of 20 below. Then they left early, only staying one night instead of two, because they couldn’t get it to warm up more than 60 degrees inside the yurt. We picked another weekend to get together.
I’m grateful that we found Arabella a car and I got it all registered and insured. I let my daughter use my car until I got it registered. I ended up driving her car to get it registered at the DMV without plates. I thought for sure I would get pulled over especially after a squad car pulled up behind me at the gas station. He didn’t even bothering glancing my way more than once and didn’t follow me. Only proves I’m a middle aged lady not even a threat at all for committing a crime. I strike fear in no one. Sad! LOL.
My mom took Paul and I out for hibachi/sushi to thank my husband for helping her with Matt’s bookkeeping. I had crab rangoon sushi which was amazing.
Volunteer time.
Paul and I went to see our couple’s therapist who is very insightful. I think she can help us. I actually made my therapist cry when I told her some of my childhood stories. She wants me to join a woman’s group she is having and I think I will give it a try.
We were supposed to get a snowstorm on the night I was planning a girl’s night with Angel, Lexi, and Arabella. We had plans to go out to eat and thrifting. The 6 inches of snow turned out to be about 6 snowflakes, so I didn’t have to cancel.
I had some good finds thrifting. I was able to replenish my supply of candles and I found a murder mystery party game. Angel found multiple Stephen King books she didn’t have.
The guys were able to make a lot of headway fixing my son’s car.
I spent some time working on my book and feel more organized about it.
I just finished a really difficult puzzle.
Angel and I are going to spend some time together this afternoon sorting donations at the place I volunteer at.

Gratitude week 162

February 5, 2023 / Outrunning my demons / 5 Comments

A spa day with my mom. We went out to eat before and the food was really good. (I had a veggie burger, and if that was very good!!!). I decided to take the extra survey for a chance to win a $250 gift card. I didn’t seem to win it yet though…Wouldn’t that be something?
The longest and hardest month of the year, January, is finally over.
I’m starting to work on my book again.
Although we didn’t make it to the yurt, we found a car for Arabella.
I’m grateful to be getting my car back. I let Arabella and Will borrow my car quite often.
I’m glad the cold snap seems to be over. We are going to have a few days above freezing. The sun is shining too.
I’m glad Angel has an appointment with the wellness clinic I went to a couple years back. I think she will be able to address some health concerns she is having. I was able to visit with her quite a bit this past week and will be seeing her a couple days in the week ahead.
I’m grateful Dan helped in the process of finding Arabella a reliable car. We looked at a listing by a private owner and when we got there someone else was looking at it. I thought we were out of luck. I’m hoping the car will last a long time. It’s a 2008 Sonata with less than 100,000 miles on it in the exact price range. It was meant to be! What a deal!
My favorite comedian is coming to the area next month…so guess who bought tickets??
Fires in the fireplace on cold winter nights.
Our friends still went to the yurt. It took them 4 hours to hike in with all their gear. They found it to be very challenging. They are younger than we are, almost 10 years younger than my husband. As hard as it is to admit we can’t do everything we want to do anymore, I think we made the right call about not going without a working snowmobile. It’s amazing the difference a couple years can make at our age. Funny story, I couldn’t open a jar yesterday so I asked my husband to help me. He pulled a muscle getting it open. That was confirmation. If we can’t handle opening a jar, how were we going to hike 5 miles through the snow with all our gear??

Yurt not trusting me

February 2, 2023 / Outrunning my demons / 6 Comments

This weekend we had plans with friends to stay at a yurt. It seemed like a great idea after a few drinks while talking with Tom and Lisa at our daughter’s wedding. It still seemed like a good idea when Lisa booked the trip in February the next day.

The yurt is located in the middle of nowhere in some state park in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. It was going to take a couple hours to drive there. Apparently it does not have electricity nor does it have running water. Winter camping at its finest with a vault toilet nearby. The only amenities are a couple bunk beds, a table, and a wood stove with wood to keep a fire going so nobody freezes to death.

Freezing to death…it’s been a cold week here in Wisconsin. I’ve heard of several reports of people freezing to death within this past week. Will, without a car, was still planning on riding his bike to work. Not only is it cold, it is icy because salt doesn’t melt ice well when it’s 20 below. I don’t think I could live with myself if I saw a picture of him dead on the morning news. So I let my daughter borrow my car so he would have a way to work.

I gave my friend Lisa a call this week to plan the trip to the yurt. Lisa said their snowmobile wasn’t working. They ordered parts they thought might fix it which were supposed to show up on Tuesday but didn’t arrive until Wednesday. To get to the yurt, we would need to hike almost 5 miles on a snow covered path or breeze in on a snowmobile.

I reminded myself of the not so fond memory of the last time I ‘ran’ 5 miles over a year ago. It was the last race I ever did. I almost didn’t finish. Not too long before that, I finished my first 50k. Yes, a 50k! It was at that point I knew something was wrong. I ran about half the race then I had this horrible pain in my ankle where I could barely walk. I found out later that under exertion I have a bone spur which hits a nerve. At times I can barely walk and the next minute it’s fine. I also had a terrible backache.

Back in the day, Lisa and I used to run together. That was before her daughter died, before she moved away. Those days were some of the best times in my life. We trained together. She was a better runner than me but she kept me on my toes. Between the two of us, we could place in almost every small town race. I typically placed in the top 10% of my age group in 10k’s and half-marathons. I was finally able to achieve at a sport after always being picked last as a kid for teams in gym class. I even had to do extra credit in middle school to pass gym class. Turns out I was better at writing book reports than doing any kind of sport. But running I guess you could say I ran with it.

Now my daughter Angel is training for her first half-marathon. At times I see her hard on herself if she has a bad run. I too was very hard on myself on bad running days. Recently I told her that even a bad run, she is still able to run. What I wouldn’t give now for a bad run. These are things you can say once it’s gone. But it is truly not gone because I am able to enjoy the process through her.

The part for the snowmobile came in and it didn’t fix the problem. Today Tom bought a new battery and it still didn’t work. Now they are thinking the starter on the snowmobile needs fixing and they will need to take it in somewhere to be fixed.

Today I made the decision to not go to the yurt if the snowmobile wasn’t working. The high for tomorrow is 3 with lows below zero. Maybe I would’ve gone if I didn’t have to walk 5 miles through the snow in subzero temperatures with all our gear and try to get there before dark. A couple years ago nothing would’ve stopped me. But now I can’t even trust myself anymore. With spotty phone coverage, who knows? I might end up on the news and not in a good way. Although I’m a planner, I haven’t given too much thought to my funeral yet.

I feel bad for wimping out. But I also know my limitations. All the self-discipline in the world won’t change a thing when my body doesn’t listen to my mind anymore. Looks like I’ll have some time to take Arabella car shopping after all.