Month: May 2020

Certain uncertainty

/ Outrunning my demons / 10 Comments

If we traveled back in time to January 1st of this year, I would imagine quite a few of you had inspiring goals and new years resolutions for the new decade. It’s 2020, finally we would have a clear vision of the future we wanted for ourselves like never before. This year was going to be the best.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t really like change. Maybe it’s not even change that I don’t like. I mean, I’m always striving to be a better person and that involves change. What bothers me more than anything is uncertainty and not knowing what is happening.

If you asked me in January what I would be doing this weekend, I would have told you that I would be attending my daughter’s college graduation. At the time, nothing except death or being deathly ill would have kept me away from her special day. I found the perfect dress to wear. Maybe it was a little too dressy, but it was on sale. I should’ve been going in to have my nails done to match the dress and getting my hair done.

But that brings me here to today. I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. Me, the person who has to have a plan. The person who schedules spontaneity 6 months in advance.

As most of you know, I just went through a 10 day bout of colitis. I went through expensive and uncomfortable tests to get some answers, some certainty, about my health. The morning of the procedure I brought along all of my paperwork from the wellness clinic. The doctor brushed me off with the comment that he does not approve of me seeking help at a wellness clinic and refused to look at the tests that were done.

I thought that the doctor’s bedside manner was horrible, but if he had the answers and could help me I didn’t care. When I called the doctor’s office on Monday expecting answers the nurse said that I had colitis but they have no idea why.

The doctor’s office told me something was wrong with me but they have no idea what. Is this going to happen again? What can I do to prevent this if I don’t even know what caused it? What the hell is going on? I was sick and all you can tell me is that I was sick?? Yesterday I fell into a deep despair. What is wrong with me? I wanted an expert to give me answers so I would know what is happening in my life. I want a plan that I can follow. I want to have a map to see where my life is going.

If I learned anything in 2020, it’s that everything is uncertain. It’s been a big lesson for me to learn. Everything I took for granted as certain has changed. It’s okay to grieve what has been lost. Then it’s time to continue on down the dimly lit path.

It’s time to throw away my security blankets of structure and routine. The only thing I can cling onto is that uncertainty is certain. That is now a big part of my life. I can’t be afraid. I have to think of this as an opportunity for growth. It’s time to strengthen the non-dominant hand I’ve been dealt. Maybe going with the flow won’t be all that bad. I DID say I wanted to be more easy going and laid back. Of course I wasn’t expecting to achieve that goal by having everything literally wiped off my calendar.

I’m being forced to change but maybe I will be a better person because of it. At least that is what I’ve been telling myself.

Gratitude week 18

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

Once again, this past week has been really rough. I felt very sick for 10 days. I was even up 3 to 4 times a night to run to the bathroom. I got very little rest and my body feels weak. The preliminary test results are showing that I have some form of colitis.

Sadly, the doctor’s office called me on Friday a few minutes before closing. When I called back I got the answering service. I didn’t even receive a call back until 10 on Saturday morning from the nurse. She said the doctor wanted to treat me with a steroid but he wasn’t going to be able to talk to me until Monday morning.

The sun was shining and I felt pretty good yesterday. I probably overdid it with the yard work. I wanted to go for a run today but was so weak and tired I could barely walk. I started to feel pretty down. My body is not doing what I want it to do. How long will it be before my muscles start to atrophy? I take pride in long distance running. I spent the last 10 to 15 years toning my body. My arms have great definition for a woman in her mid-40’s. It makes me sick to think I might have to throw away all the work I put into being athletic.

I started to worry that I was going to become a burden to my family. I like taking care of things, not having others take care of me. I have plans to travel and more races to do.

Then I started to panic today because I realized the doctor intends to treat me with immunosuppressant drugs. I would do ANYTHING to not have to suffer through another episode of the kind of pain I just experienced. However, now is probably not the best time to be on immunosuppressant drugs.

This past week someone from our church died from the coronavirus. He was my husband’s age. I would be willing to go on medication to suppress my immune system to never go through what I went through again. But I am afraid.

Also, what about working?

So, I am going to try to be grateful for 10 things this past week….here goes..

  1.  I should have my health questions answered this week.
  2.  My aunt Jan sent me a get well card in the mail. It feels good to have people thinking and praying for me.
  3.  My husband helped take care of a lot of things while I was sick.
  4.  My daughter was very behind on school work and my husband helped design a schedule to help her get caught up. Plus he helped her with Algebra 2. He is a great teacher and great at math which I appreciate since I am not.
  5.  The year of April finally ended.
  6.  The weather was perfect this weekend which always makes life better. Winter will be back tomorrow and for the extended forecast. Yuck!!
  7.  I felt pretty good yesterday.
  8.  I bought a funny shirt. It says Pink Freud, The Dark Side of Your Mom. Consider it a Mother’s Day gift for myself. I love Pink Floyd and went to college for psychology, so Freud..
  9.  I broke down and ate some macaroni and cheese. It was the first time I ate dairy in 9 months. I figured I couldn’t feel much worse than I was already feeling and I was right.
  10.  With technology, I am still able to do a lot of the same things everyone else is doing. I am not at home by myself missing out. I can check out new shows and movies. I can still see my mom and daughter although I cannot visit them.