Certain uncertainty

If we traveled back in time to January 1st of this year, I would imagine quite a few of you had inspiring goals and new years resolutions for the new decade. It’s 2020, finally we would have a clear vision of the future we wanted for ourselves like never before. This year was going to be the best.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t really like change. Maybe it’s not even change that I don’t like. I mean, I’m always striving to be a better person and that involves change. What bothers me more than anything is uncertainty and not knowing what is happening.

If you asked me in January what I would be doing this weekend, I would have told you that I would be attending my daughter’s college graduation. At the time, nothing except death or being deathly ill would have kept me away from her special day. I found the perfect dress to wear. Maybe it was a little too dressy, but it was on sale. I should’ve been going in to have my nails done to match the dress and getting my hair done.

But that brings me here to today. I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. Me, the person who has to have a plan. The person who schedules spontaneity 6 months in advance.

As most of you know, I just went through a 10 day bout of colitis. I went through expensive and uncomfortable tests to get some answers, some certainty, about my health. The morning of the procedure I brought along all of my paperwork from the wellness clinic. The doctor brushed me off with the comment that he does not approve of me seeking help at a wellness clinic and refused to look at the tests that were done.

I thought that the doctor’s bedside manner was horrible, but if he had the answers and could help me I didn’t care. When I called the doctor’s office on Monday expecting answers the nurse said that I had colitis but they have no idea why.

The doctor’s office told me something was wrong with me but they have no idea what. Is this going to happen again? What can I do to prevent this if I don’t even know what caused it? What the hell is going on? I was sick and all you can tell me is that I was sick?? Yesterday I fell into a deep despair. What is wrong with me? I wanted an expert to give me answers so I would know what is happening in my life. I want a plan that I can follow. I want to have a map to see where my life is going.

If I learned anything in 2020, it’s that everything is uncertain. It’s been a big lesson for me to learn. Everything I took for granted as certain has changed. It’s okay to grieve what has been lost. Then it’s time to continue on down the dimly lit path.

It’s time to throw away my security blankets of structure and routine. The only thing I can cling onto is that uncertainty is certain. That is now a big part of my life. I can’t be afraid. I have to think of this as an opportunity for growth. It’s time to strengthen the non-dominant hand I’ve been dealt. Maybe going with the flow won’t be all that bad. I DID say I wanted to be more easy going and laid back. Of course I wasn’t expecting to achieve that goal by having everything literally wiped off my calendar.

I’m being forced to change but maybe I will be a better person because of it. At least that is what I’ve been telling myself.

10 thoughts on “Certain uncertainty

  1. I’m sorry to hear you were sick. I haven’t had a chance to go back and see if there is more info. Did they take stool samples? You need a better doctor! Fuckers who just say , we don’t know, should be fired! I’ll be praying, but for now , are you already gluten and soy free? That made a huge difference in my frequent stomach pain and problems.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had 2 stool tests done at the wellness clinic. I also had allergy testing done. I took all of the paperwork with me when I went in for my colonoscopy and the GI doctor wouldn’t even look at it. The stool tests showed that I had 3 parasites and possibly SIBO. The wellness nurse put me on an antibiotic which says a lot since they typically prescribe herbs and whatnot. After that my body totally crashed. The GI doctor said I have colitis. I think I’ve had it most of my life, but something changed and it got 10 times worse. The doctor probably would’ve put me on immunosuppressant drugs but I’m trying to fight through this naturally for the time being. Gluten and soy don’t seem to bother me. Right now the biggest culprits are dairy, rich/greasy foods, and anything high fiber. So pretty much anything that tastes good. Thanks for your prayers. I definitely need them!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I was thinking SIBO and parasites. So did you get worse after the antibiotic or before? I saw that you’re drinking bone broth, that’s good. It does sound like a difficult case, probably autoimmune, and no quick fix works for that . 😭 sorry . I hope the wellness doctor can help . Maybe seek out one that specializes in gut health ? Although this could be genetic and you may actually need the medication, 😩. Praying for answers.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I got really sick after the antibiotics. I wouldn’t be surprised if it is autoimmune since I have inflammation in more than my gut. I also have joint pain. I would prefer natural healing but right now a lot of it is trial and error. Yes it seems to be taking forever…🤷‍♂️☹️ It could be genetic. A friend with colitis has a brother with it and had luck with a new medicine, so maybe.


      • Obviously the antibiotics killed too many good bacteria and threw you into worse condition. Does your wellness dr have you on a good probiotic or is that too hard on you? I’ve noticed that the strong doses of probiotics can actually make me feel bad.


      • No, I tend to constipation, but I used to have IBS and bad gas and stomach pains until I stopped the gluten and soy. I don’t have colitis, but I’ve read so much about gut problems, I learned about it.

        Liked by 1 person

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