Life

The year of May

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I feel as if a whole year has passed this month.

Yesterday was my mom’s funeral. Right now I feel like an empty shell of a person. Numb, nothingness, just trying to make it through the next couple days.

We knew it was going to happen. We just didn’t know the when. The last few weeks have been a blur. My daughter’s baby shower, we spent so much time preparing for, gone. Bountiful, beautiful baby girl gifts sweet watermelon pink. Family, friends, strangers to me celebrating the gift of life to come. The following day, Mother’s Day.

In the morning, Angel, Paul and I went to visit my mom. We had a really good visit. My mom seemed to know what was happening around her and we took some pictures with my mom’s hand on Angel’s pregnant belly. The only 4 generation photo that will ever be. Later that evening, as we were going out to eat where Arabella works for Mother’s Day, as my plate was set in front of me I got the call. My mom was having some sort of cardiac event. I told everyone to finish their food and then we would embark on the 45 minute drive to see her hopefully not too late.

Sunday night they called the family in. Little did we know she would live another 5 days. For those next five days, we spent every waking minute possible with her. I spent countless hours in a folding chair just sitting there watching her breathe. We only took time away to eat and sleep. My brother Luke came home, along with two of my mom’s sisters. We sat with her. She seemed happy to see us and sad when we left, although she was no longer able to speak, eat, or drink. We gave her liquids on a sponge. Near the end I remembered one of her favorite drinks from ages ago, Blue Moon beer mixed with an apple cider drink. She opened her mouth wide to take it in and closed her mouth tightly when I tried to take the sponge out.

Alex found an old piano down the hall and started to play. We had the hairbrained thought to bring the piano into the room, which we did and Alex played beautifully for his grandma. The last day we saw her was the hardest to leave. We stayed until the early morning hours. It was the early morning of Arabella’s birthday. We had plans for later in the day. Alex had a big gig to play at and Arabella wanted to go for her birthday. We were almost to the show when we got the call from Aunt Jan saying my mom had passed. I decided to wait until he was done playing to tell him. Although it was a difficult time, we knew we did everything we could to make her passing a time of great love. We were there as much as we could be and have no regrets about that.

It was a time of great sadness, but also one of healing and mending old wounds. We also spent a lot of time with my dad which gave us mixed feelings since he was never much of a dad or grandfather. He was there for my mom at the end, but in a way he had to be since he was sharing a room with her at the nursing home. He decided he didn’t want to go to the funeral. He didn’t want to be a part of the planning in any way. My brothers and I did all the planning. Cremation or burial? What to wear? What type of headstone? I was the one who told my brother Matt that mom went to heaven and wasn’t going to be coming back.

Yesterday was the funeral at my childhood church. It was hard to believe the woman in the casket was my mother. It didn’t look like her. She lost so much weight at the end. I thought at any moment she would walk into the room and this was all just a dream. I thought for a minute I caught a glimpse of her walking away, but it was just her sister not her. Then came the family, friends, and strangers to me celebrating her life with me. It was rather overwhelming seeing relatives I don’t recall ever meeting. People came from far and wide, my mom was worth remembering. Some said to forget the woman she became in the end and remember the woman she was. None of this has really sunk in yet.

I was able to reconnect with a cousin who lives out of the country who happened to be home visiting. She said she has a lot of family videos with me in them and wanted to send them to me. I also reconnected with a close friend, who used to date my brother Mark, who came to the funeral. I haven’t seen her or her husband in over a decade. We used to get together and play bridge. I’m not really sure how to navigate this new motherless world. I am happy her suffering is over on this earth. I know I haven’t had much down time to process everything yet. I will be busy working the whole holiday weekend, but after that maybe everything will sink in.

May’s beginning

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The month of April left us with the most rainfall ever recorded in our area. May is starting cool, cloudy, and blustery. A few snowflakes swirled around on the first day. I wonder what the new month will bring us.

My mom is continuing to decline. Both of my parents are slowly dying at the same time. It takes a lot out of me to visit them. I don’t enjoy our visits. I never expected my mom to hold on as long as she is. What is the purpose or meaning?

Angel just started her third trimester. It seems surreal that my daughter is having a baby. We will be having her baby shower next weekend.

Alex is gearing up for the summer season starting today with his band. His car broke down and this time I don’t think it’s going to be fixable. He really gets attached to his vehicles, almost like they are a living being.

Arabella broke up with her boyfriend. She is starting to look for bartender jobs.

Paul finished up tax season and is starting on his summer seasonal job. Thankfully he was able to help me with the financial records for my brother Matt’s annual review of guardianship. I would’ve been absolutely lost without his help as the paperwork was a mess after I took over for my mom. A week or so ago I received a report of an incident that occurred at Matt’s group home. Apparently a new caregiver (I had a weird feeling about him) was drinking on the job. The second shift employee found him passed out drunk with empty liquor bottles around him. How hard is it to find good employees?

Work has been difficult lately. Our supervisor left which is a good thing. To be fully staffed, we need 8 employees working the day shift. Two of the employees accepted open positions within the company elsewhere. My weekend partner ended up walking out last weekend, and I ended up working a 12 hour shift by myself with no breaks. We are so busy we should have at least two employees working at all times. Things are going to be really hard for the remaining 5 employees as we start summer off short staffed. So far it looks like I will be working two 12 hour shifts over the holiday weekend alone. We’ll see what happens.

Sometimes I just want to stop time for a few moments when life is at its best.

April’s crying

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The snow is gone and the grass is green, almost in need of the first mowing.

The floodgates opened and April came in crying. For a whole week, we had torrential downpours. We lost power for an afternoon. Rain water seeped into cracks of our very foundation we never knew we had before. I had to throw away a few things, but compared to others it wasn’t a big deal. Several nights driving home from work, the lightening flashed like a strobe light. The rains flooded area streets and you couldn’t see it coming even as you were driving through it. Hail cracked at my windshield. The first hit like a stone throw. What is happening? Crunching golf balls under my tires. Do I drive across it like I’m driving through snow? This was new territory even for me. How do I navigate it?

My mother is dying. I think it will be soon. I am asked which funeral home. Does she want to be buried or cremated? Will I be calling one of her siblings to tell the rest or will I be calling all of them? Mother’s Day ads. Songs about mothers on the radio. Songs about the passage of time. I can’t cry on my way to work. Old pictures. I had better set some aside. What will she wear? She is just skin and bones. How can they repair?

How can you sum up a life in an hour or two? Then she will be gone forever. Just to leave me behind with only the memories we shared. Was I good enough? Will I have regrets? What was her? What was her diseased state of mind? Maybe if I had more compassion instead of irritation.

This is new territory. How will I navigate it?

April update

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We left off as a blizzard was approaching. We got hit with a huge storm, making the roads nearly impassable. I did make it in to work that weekend, and ended up hunkering down at my daughter Angel’s house who lives 5 minutes away. I’ve never driven in worse conditions. The cold weather and storms left our roads with massive potholes. Our early spring weather has not been a lot better with cool temps and massive rainfalls and ice storms. We lost power for a day. I am really starting to long for warm and sunny days.

Thankfully the weather didn’t hamper our vacation plans. I almost had two weeks off of work. When I got back to work, I was told the good news that our supervisor resigned. I really hope this will improve the work environment.

Right after getting home from our trip, I went to visit my mom. It had been several weeks since I saw her. I was sick one week, the blizzard hit the next, and then we were off on our trip. I could tell when I saw her that she had rapidly declined. She no longer eats or drinks much and oftentimes afterwards gets sick. She stopped smiling, talking much, or acknowledging my presence. Her light is fading fast. A lot of times, I cope by distracting myself from thinking about it. It’s hard to see her this way, not able to care for her own basic needs. She looks like a skeleton.

I try to focus on good things, like becoming a grandma soon. Angel is 6 months along and starting to show. She is due on her birthday in July, just like I was due on my birthday with her. They are going to have a baby girl. They decided to buy my parent’s house. My brothers accepted their offer. My parents built the house 50 years ago and haven’t done anything with it since then. They are going to have their work cut out for them.

My husband Paul is almost done with the tax season. He is doing really well but has been working every day since the day after we got back. I really appreciate his hard work and he really saved me by doing the guardianship accounting for my brother. It was a mess since I became guardian several months into 2025, taking over from my mother who was developing dementia. My mom started 2025 by writing out checks, and I took over in the 2nd quarter until I was able to get a payee in the 3rd quarter.

It’s hard to believe life has changed so much over the past year, even the past month. I wonder what the next year will bring.

March in like a lamb

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It’s hard to believe it’s March already. So far March is coming in like a lamb. The sun is shining brightly and the snow is starting to melt. A small reprieve from the wicked winter weather leading us to hope for spring. Although the spring birds haven’t made an appearance yet.

Life is starting to look up a little in some regards. Work is going better. Since our supervisor has been awful, several of my co-workers and I started communicating with her supervisor. I asked her what her plan was to retain employees since I was planning on leaving. She was willing to work with us and came up with a good plan which I think is fair. I will actually have to work less weekends.

Over the weekend, my husband picked up his new vehicle. We went on a date night and went out last night to watch our son play in his band. Maybe I just needed to get away from the every day stressors to feel a little better. I am looking forward to our vacation in a couple weeks and taking some time off work. Angel is almost half way through her pregnancy already. Last night I had a dream they were having a baby boy but it was actually a girl. I will be finding out the gender soon which is exciting. Very soon, Dan and Angel will be back home for good. They might be interested in buying my parents house. Everything is slowly coming together. Next weekend we will be renting a dumpster and starting to really get rid of a lot of junk. There is finally an end in sight. On a sad note though, Angel and Dan’s kitten snuck out of their camper and ran away a couple days ago. She hasn’t come back, but hopefully she will.

Alex is doing alright and so is Arabella for the most part. She has been more moody than usual, but we’ll see. Her boyfriend just lost his job so I’m not sure how that whole situation will pan out. My parents are declining more every time I visit them. My mom hasn’t been talking a lot and my dad has been talking too much. Last time I visited, he was his nasty and mean self. They were preparing for the passing of another resident in their facility.

March has come in like a lamb. I sure hope it doesn’t go out as a lion.

End of February update

/ Outrunning my demons / 3 Comments

Not a lot has changed since the last update. My parents are still with us. I still have a huge pile of boxes in my office to go through from their house. And when I get through those, I will bring in more.

Nothing has changed with my job. If anything, things have gotten worse. The work environment is toxic. I don’t want to stay. However, being the diligent employee that I am, I earned a month of vacation days that I will lose if I leave. I just had my annual review where my supervisor said I’m doing an excellent job. I double my collection goal every month. My job accuracy is 100%. I have never called in. I am the top employee. But they have implemented the on call policy. I will be on call Mother’s Day weekend, the weekend I am hosting my daughter’s baby shower. And if my mom is still alive, I am planning on spending time with her not being at work. When I expressed my concerns to my supervisor she had the attitude of too bad. Yes, it is too bad for her because I am not going to stay. Gone are the days when I go above and beyond. I will not be going in early, staying late, or taking on open shifts. I will be gone.

Just to give you an idea of how things are at work… My supervisor accused my co-worker of stealing money in public in front of other staff and patients. Only to find out later that the supervisor misplaced the money. No apology was granted or concern for the employee who was publicly humiliated. It makes my blood boil to see how she mistreats not only me but the other employees. My husband wants me to leave right away and find a better job. But I want to hang in there a couple more months to use up the PTO I earned. Plus I already created his summer seasonal work schedule around my schedule when I am off. I haven’t taken any time off since I started my job and I don’t want to build that again starting a new job.

The engine went out on my husband’s truck. So now we have to replace a vehicle we thought had many more years and miles left on it. We weren’t expecting to have to find a new vehicle so that adds to the pressure of my husband wanting me to find a better paying job. One thing I can say is that I expressed my thoughts to my supervisor and stood up for myself which I feel very good about. But once again I am plunging into the land of uncertainty which drives me crazy.

Just one more month until we leave for our vacation. I am really looking forward to that and using up some of my PTO days.

End of January update

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Hello! January just seemed to breeze by in the worst way. It’s been a harsh winter, a lot of snow and weeks of subzero wind chills. The feeling of unsatisfying coldness. The rough harsh winds that sting and burn.

It’s been a rough month all around. Nothing has changed on the home front. My mom is still on hospice and every time I visit I feel a part of her is shriveling away. My parents taking long winter naps under the cover of warm blankets, not sure if the chill in their bones is justifiable or not.

I am trying to get back to the gym again. It’s been a challenge with juggling all the responsibilities. It’s a challenge to do anything for myself, but I must try even if it is going to the gym. At the moment, I feel a certain melancholy. I’m thinking of quitting my job. Don’t get me wrong, I love working with suffering. It’s where I feel at home amongst the chaos. When you learn to embrace suffering, and not fear it, it is a magical place. Where else could I hold the hand of a stranger as her son is in the other room dying? I have the opportunity to be a comfort and that is very rewarding.

My workplace issued a new responsibility. Starting in the beginning of March, everyone is going to have to be on call one weekend every other month. It will be mandatory. They will pay $2 an hour to be on call and if someone calls in you are responsible for finding a replacement out of 4 other people, or that replacement is you. You have an hour to show up to work. I already work every other weekend. For me, that will mean I will work two weekends one month and then three weekends the following month. Working every other weekend already cuts into my life a lot. I usually try to cram everything in to the weekends I don’t work and am not willing to give up another weekend. Maybe if I don’t have anything going on, but as of now my open weekends are booked through the summer. I even helped my husband to schedule his work schedule around my schedule.

The new policy is in effect because there are multiple people who are always calling in. I’ve worked there for almost a year and haven’t called in once. I feel like the responsible people are the ones being hurt by this. It should be the supervisor’s job, but she really doesn’t want to work or do much of anything. I don’t want to leave, but if I have to I will. We just found out about this earlier this week and I am feeling stressed out about it. We’ll see what happens I guess.

No kidding

/ Outrunning my demons / 4 Comments

Life has been busy the last couple weeks with the holiday season rolling in and working full-time. I will be working every day this week except Christmas day. Although I like my job, I am not looking forward to this week since I will be working the next 6 out of 7 days.

I had this weekend off. My uncle and cousins flew into town from Texas to say good-bye to my mom. We were told this past week that the nurse was considering putting her on hospice tomorrow. She had a UTI over the past couple of weeks that speeded up her trip downhill. I kind of blamed myself for that, although I know it’s silly. The times I took her out of the assisted living facility I had to help her with the bathroom and I told myself I didn’t do something right. Why do we tend to blame ourselves for things outside of our control? I realize it’s foolishness.

Now my mom is struggling with daily activities more, like walking. My mom was always physically active so it is hard to see her like that. The dementia is starting to ravage her body now as much as her mind. She still knows who I am, but she just repeats nonsense words. She kept saying no kidding over and over. But her voice was so quiet I had to go closer to hear expecting something meaningful, but just to get a no kidding. The rest of the time she just blankly stares at me.

No one knows what to say when they don’t feel like there is anything they can do to change the situation. I just feel this nagging sadness and overall numbness right now.

No kidding.

A harsh winter is on the way

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Just like that, the holiday season has begun. Winter weather came along with it blowing its harsh cold winds. We have snow on the ground and had a few days of subzero wind chills.

We hosted Thanksgiving here which turned out being very busy with a total of 18 people. The weather was very cold and I am thankful Angel and Paul decided not to run the Turkey Trot in order to help me out more. I didn’t ask them to forgo the race to help me, but I couldn’t have done it without their help. They helped me pick up my mom and Matt to bring them to the party. I didn’t know it yet, but my mom’s health had declined since I last saw her.

I dished up my mom and Matt’s food, giving my mom easy to eat foods and Matt whatever he wanted. My mom didn’t even notice this time when Matt ate foods she wouldn’t let him eat. This was confusing to Matt. He didn’t understand why he didn’t get angry when he ate foods with gluten. He asked mom if it was okay and she didn’t respond. I told Matt that God had healed him and now he can eat whatever he wants and be fine. Matt said some day mom would be healed when she goes to heaven. Matt said he would have lots of energy when he gets to heaven and that he would be able to run very fast. Oh, to have the faith of a child and be ignorant of everything around me.

My best friend’s family also celebrated Thanksgiving with us. The youngest member of their family arrived in late summer. I spent some time holding the new baby and feeling jealous of my best friend who now has 4 grandchildren and another on the way. I spent the weekend after Thanksgiving working and this past weekend we had our first Christmas party with my mom’s siblings and their families.

It was a difficult family party because everyone there spent some time saying good-bye to my mom. It will very likely be the last Christmas we spend with her. My mom didn’t talk a lot but when she did it didn’t make much sense. She told everyone she died on her birthday. And in some way she sort of did. Back in August, she was angry with me and agitated she wasn’t in control. Now she doesn’t seem to even care. She needs help going to the bathroom and even eating. We had a heck of a time getting her in and out of the vehicle. I wasn’t even sure we would be able to convince her to go anywhere.

My mom is almost gone now. The family has been coming to say their good-byes. I’m going to try to see her as much as I can before she is gone. In many ways, I wish we knew what was going on much sooner. Maybe we would’ve been less frustrated with her inappropriate behavior. I can’t pinpoint when my mom first left us, but she has been gone for several years now. It started so gradually, but now the time is going fast.

Visits to the ER

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Over the past week, three family members went to the ER. Four, if you consider I work in the ER.

The first one to go was my mom. I received a phone call from the assisted living facility saying my mom’s face and lips were swollen. It appeared she was having an allergic reaction of some sort. They wanted to know if I could pick her up and take her. Because I live about an hour away, I declined as I thought she would need to go in long before I was able to get there. We are not sure what caused the reaction, but she was able to be treated and released. They did notice swelling in her legs too which caused them concern about her heart.

The second one to go to the ER was Arabella. It was dark outside and she twisted her ankle as she fell into a large pothole in the driveway of her boyfriend’s apartment complex. She was having a hard time walking and thought maybe she fractured her ankle. Just a week before, she also fell at work. She was wheeling a high chair back to where it belonged when it got caught in the carpet. She fell against the high chair into a wall. Not only did she have fresh bruises, but she had bruises from another fall a week before. The ER team gave her boyfriend suspicious looks, but he had nothing to do with it. She ended up with a sprained ankle.

The third one to go to the ER was my dad. He fell and by some urinary symptoms he was having, they thought he had another UTI. He ended up being admitted into the hospital. In the process, they found a large mass on his kidney which most likely is benign. My dad was weak, confused, and needed IV antibiotics. If I was close to my dad, I would’ve been there even if it was a long drive and I had to take off of work. But I’m not. I didn’t even tell my kids because they wouldn’t care. It’s harsh, I know. In normal families, there would be crying, prayers, and support. I see this all the time in the ER. And I also see people who through their own actions have pushed everyone away like my dad did.

My dad is back at the assisted living facility.

Because of the parent I am, I know I won’t be dying alone if I’m spending my last moments in a hospital. Maybe there is justice to reaping what you sow for better or worse.