Life

Assisted living

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I scheduled an appointment to visit an assisted living facility with my parents after my mom’s birthday in early August. They had two immediate openings for two rooms next to each other with a shared bathroom. They were willing to take both my mom and dad, although my mom needs memory care and my dad has a physical disability. We jumped at the opportunity. Finally a windfall!

My aunt threw a birthday party for my mom on her birthday which I attended. My mom expressed anger with me at her party for allowing my brother, whom I am guardian of, to have an unrestricted diet. It was all very awkward, being reprimanded by my mom in front of everyone in a public place. I told my mom we could talk about it later but at the moment we were there to have fun and celebrate her birthday.

My SIL also threw my mom a birthday party at the family cabin. It would probably be the last time she goes up to the cabin and maybe the last birthday she will be somewhat cognizant for. That in and of itself was depressing. Once again, my mom expressed anger towards me about Matt. I helped Matt make a plate of food for himself and my mom took half the food I put on his plate and threw it in the garbage. She was upset I forgot to bring his applesauce for him to take his pills. I also forgot a few other things I had no idea she wanted me to bring. She was so upset she wanted to leave.

Then last weekend arrived, the weekend my parents were set to move in. On Saturday we went up north and closed down the cabin for the season. Then my brothers and I sat down and talked for several hours about the plan going forward. What are we going to do with the house, cabin, their vehicles, finances, cleaning out the house, etc. My brother Luke said he was living off his faith to get through it. I said I was burning off my anger. It’s hard to have to grieve your parents while they are still alive, even more so because my relationship with my parents is complicated. I feel a lot of anger about how I was treated in the past and how the mess they made, we are going to have to clean up. Because of their hoarding tendencies, I think it’s going to take years to clean out the house. I hope I am wrong.

Then moving day came along. We went to my parents house to load up some of their belongings. My mom kept grabbing things to put in boxes. My SIL took them out and put them back. I decided to go outside with my mom to keep her out of their hair. My mom wanted to take a walk to her church down the road. I was the last one to walk with my mom down the only road that I could remember her living on. My mom stopped along the way to pull out weeds along the ditch. She carried them over to to a grassy area on an uneven pathway. I was afraid she might lose her step.

When we got to the church, mom wanted to walk around the cemetery and talk about people who died. I saw the gravestones of my ancestors and familiar names. My mom asked if I knew them, the graves of my great-great-grandparents. I said I did, but I didn’t really. I softly cried on the walk. My mom was always a fast walker, and I had to struggle to keep up. But this time she shuffled along and I was afraid she might not have the strength to make it all the way back.

This time my mom was kind towards me, almost childlike. I watched her say good-bye to her house, the only house I’ve ever seen her live in. The grief slipped from anger into sadness. My mom is gone now. She is leaving more and more every day.

17 thoughts

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This summer has been very busy and unfortunately I haven’t been able to set aside as much time as I would’ve liked for writing. Here is a summary of what has been happening which may or may not lead to future posts about the events.

  1. My mom’s POA was activated after a diagnosis of frontotemporal dementia.
  2. I set up a tour for my parents of an assisted living facility. They will be moving in this weekend.
  3. My brothers and I will be meeting over the weekend to make some hard decisions about what to do with my parents properties, vehicles, belongings, etc… As my parents are hoarders, this could take more than a year to straighten this mess out.
  4. I am still dealing with guardianship issues with my brother Matt in terms of his finances and health. My mom has been very angry with me that I am allowing him to have a diet with no restrictions. There will probably be more about this in a later post.
  5. Arabella broke up with her boyfriend. It was more of a mutual breakup and they left on good terms.
  6. Arabella has less than a month of probation left.
  7. Angel and Dan moved their camper from North Carolina to Indiana. They are doing great, but it’s been an adjustment this year not seeing them often.
  8. Paul had genetic testing done for cancer. On the test, 76 out of 77 screenings came back as normal. The other was neither negative or positive as they don’t have enough info to be certain if it’s a problem area or not.
  9. Our dog jumped the fence and was missing for 24 hours. We looked for him everywhere. We thought he was a goner until the following day when I came into the house to find him laying on the couch like he never left.
  10. The dog ran away right before I had to leave for work. That day I went in late. I left a message for my supervisor who didn’t bother to ask if we found our dog. I think that was the point where I started to despise my supervisor. The company I work for and the management really suck as I’ve seen them screw over the employees. This left me in a hard spot. I really like my job, the people I work with, and the patients. But is that enough for me to stay with a company I have no respect for because they don’t take care of their employees.
  11. Talking about employees, a previous problem employee of ours when we ran our company was convicted of felonies which landed her in prison.
  12. For the first time, I was called to go in for jury duty and was selected to be one of the jurors for a felony case involving the se#ual assault of a child.
  13. I decided to have three rings resized that were a gift from my mom when I was in my 20’s. It means a lot more to me now that my mom is ‘gone’.
  14. My son moved back into the house. He is doing really well as a musician, having a full-time job, and starting a business on the side. But in other ways he is not doing well. Like his dad, he struggles a lot with his drinking. At least at this point he is acknowledging it’s an issue he needs to work on.
  15. I really think that now is a good place to end my memoir. It’s been six years since I started it. I even finished it at one point, but life kept happening.
  16. The bar I made my stand up comedy debut in shut down. There are other venues I can try out though.
  17. There are so many things I probably forgot about…

Mayday

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This whole past week has been hectic, almost overwhelmingly so. Although yesterday I did make some time for fun checking out area rummage sales, eating where my daughter was waitressing, and watching my son’s band perform.

The week started with taking my mom for her PET scan appointment several hours away. Hopefully we will have some results soon. Then I worked Tuesday through Friday at the ER. So far I’ve seen a lot of interesting, horrible, and sad things. I wonder when I will become apathetic towards others like my co-workers seem to be. You almost have to be in that setting to keep the suffering from bothering you.

The rest of the week went by in a blur. This next week will probably too. I will be working the next four days and have Mother’s Day weekend off. Unfortunately the Mother’s Day comedy show has been cancelled. I have this feeling that most comedians are like artists and musicians who are so focused on the creative that they overlook the structure.

My plans for Mother’s Day weekend are volunteering, going out to eat while my daughter is waitressing, and watching my son play kind of like this past weekend. But it is what I enjoy doing. Angel and Dan will not be home for Mother’s Day weekend. They moved their camper from Georgia to Alabama to spend the next couple weeks at a new job site. But they will be home soon!

I am also planning on going flower shopping this next weekend for a couple planters for my patio and as a gift for my mom. Just this past week everything got green. The buds are almost turning into leaves on the trees and the grass is starting to grow.

Middle of April update

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I am getting into the swing of things with my new job. Last week I had the online orientation. This week I took two classes, yesterday and today. Monday I shadowed an employee doing registration in the ER. It was a hectic day as one of the employee’s called in. The person who was training me said it’s always busy there and they can barely keep up with the work. The company I work for manages two ER’s, one is always busy the other is not. Most people want to work at the ER that is not quite as busy. But I, along with the trainer, would rather be too busy than not busy enough.

Next week I will start training with the ability to login as an employee instead of just watching. I will be working full-time next week which is going to be super crazy busy with the NFL draft in the area. I am going to be seeing a lot of things. It seems like in the one day I already have.

All is well in the home front. My mom made it to her MRI appointment without me having to take off work. I had a marvelous weekend, although once again I stayed up way too late. This weekend is going to be a lot more low key. We are planning on having people over for Easter, but nothing too big. I have to work all day Thursday and Friday. Tomorrow night I am planning on doing stand up comedy.

This week I washed the windows and put on the screens as it might get into the 60’s.

We found out yesterday that my daughter Angel and her husband will not be home for another month. We thought they would be home by the end of this month. This weekend Dan will be done with his job in Virginia and they will be moving their camper to another job site in Georgia. Dan hasn’t been home since Christmas. Angel stayed home through January which was a bit of a problem as her next door neighbor wrote her a love note in January. She wasn’t comfortable there by herself because of that. She recently got footage on her Ring camera that her neighbor was looking into her windows. Thankfully when she comes home, Dan will be with her to have a conversation with the creepy neighbor.

That’s all for this week. So far the new job seems interesting and I think I will really like it.

Happy Easter!

Spring’s new start

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I started my new job yesterday. For the rest of the week I will be working remotely doing a new employee orientation. There are 60 some other people in the class with me. This will be the biggest company I worked for. I never thought at 50 I would be starting a new job in the healthcare industry, but here I am.

Since I last wrote, I took my mom to two of her appointments. At the appointment with the psychiatric nurse, I requested my mom to be taken off a medication that is hard on the brain as requested by the neuropsychiatrist. The next appointment was the first appointment with the neurologist. The neurologist seemed very concerned about the condition my mother is in. She only answered 11 out of 30 questions correctly. She was unable to think of any current events. She told the doctor we were going out to eat afterwards as the current event. The appointment lasted close to two hours. It was stressful to see how poorly my mom answered most of the questions. The doctor also said my mom had a movement disorder typically seen in the later stages of Alzheimer’s. Then the doctor ordered another slew of tests starting with a MRI.

Afterwards, my mom took us out to eat. Paul picked the restaurant as a reward for helping her keep track of Matt’s financial records. I felt bittersweet in the moment. I tried to enjoy the time with my mom but the doctor’s words rang in my head to start looking at care options soon. Her condition is not going to improve. In fact, quite the opposite is true. After going out to eat, we visited Alex at work in the music store.

The doctor said I should make sure my mom is taking her medication correctly when we got back to her house. Her pills were a mess. She had only one pill container where she put both AM and PM pills into it. I tried to help her straighten everything out but this only made her angry. She yelled at me to just leave her alone, but later apologized. I called her doctor as well because she was taking a lot of supplements and I was concerned. The whole experience resulted in another trip over with a new pill sorter with AM and PM slots and the removal of some supplements she was taking way too much of.

The trips to the doctors and bad news really took an emotional toll on me. I felt more empathy towards my mom than usual once I realized how sick she was. At the same time I felt conflicted in my mind over how toxic and difficult our relationship has been. Not everyone has close relationships with family they need to caretake. Something to be mindful of when I work in the ER.

By Friday I was ready to get out of town and make the drive to Milwaukee to see Alex’s band perform at a brewery. The venue was packed, and not just with people. There were a lot of dogs inside, kids running around, and someone even brought their pet pig. A younger man even brought his puppy over to me to hold. They said animals were allowed in the brewery because they didn’t sell food inside. However, they had food trucks set up outside and you could bring food in.

Paul and I stayed in a German Inn. The building was a hundred years old. We ate German food there and each had a flight of German beer. Everything was excellent. Then we took an Uber to see our son’s band play. I am so blessed to have two children who are very talented musicians. It’s amazing to see an audience adore them. We had a great time watching the band. Then afterwards we went to the bar with the band. We didn’t get to bed until 2 AM. I felt bad in the morning because we were probably really loud coming back to our room as I could hear the other residents awake early in the morning. It was a nice little getaway before work started though.

This weekend we will be seeing Alex’s band again and going to a film festival. I only work half a day on Friday and then I am going to get my 7th tattoo. I am getting outrunning my demons tattooed on my leg. This is something I was planning on doing once I finished my memoir. (Although, at this point, I can’t guarantee it is 100% done). However, this Friday would’ve been my grandma’s 100th birthday. As the most positive influence in my childhood, and the reason why I am here today (both literally and figuratively) I am also getting a tattoo on her birthday in remembrance of her.

My grandma passed away 16 years ago already. I am going to throw her a party by lighting every candle in my house surrounding her pictures, watching old family videos, and just sharing stories and remembering the good times with her. I am going to make cookies using her recipe because every time anyone would visit a jar of cookies would be waiting for them to take home. I want to say I will be making her favorite foods, but I really don’t know what they were because she would always make my favorite foods.

This past week I experienced a lot of ups and downs. The sadness of my mom’s deteriorating health. The joy of watching my son play in the band. A small getaway. Starting a new job in a new career. Not having the time to care for others as much with the start of a full-time job. I’m not sure if this is good or bad yet. Arabella had her doctor appointment today. This was the first appointment I didn’t go with her to in over a year. The doctor switched up her meds a bit. He also put her on a weight loss drug as her anti-psychotic meds are making her gain a lot of weight. But guess what? She managed going without me. It’s going to be a lot harder with my mom. But maybe other people need to step up and worry about it, not just me.

April begins…

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I am scheduled to start working in less than a week and I still haven’t gotten my schedule yet. As a planner, it’s been driving me crazy. My mom and Arabella have doctor appointments the next couple weeks and I don’t know if I can take them. Tomorrow my mom has her appointment with the psychiatric nurse and the following day she has her first appointment with the neurologist. Thankfully, I will be around to take her to those appointments. Unfortunately, my mom doesn’t live all that close so just the driving to appointments takes 2 1/2 hours of my time. Hopefully we will be closer to answers on the type of dementia my mom has and closer to options for treatment.

My follow up appointment with the doctor went well to check on my thumb where a chunk of nail down to the base was removed to get out a sliver. No signs of infection. However, it is going to take months to heal if it ever does heal properly. I will still need to wear a Bandaid as there is a thin portion that remains which tends to get snagged on clothing.

I got the sliver while vacuuming against a wood railing. Last week after cleaning the house the switch on our well pump went out. Mind you this happened at 5 PM on Friday while I was rinsing veggies to make supper. We ended up without water for the weekend. It would work briefly if someone tapped on the switch. So just enough to hand wash the dishes but not enough to run the dishwasher. Ironically, after the water turned off inside it started pouring outside. We had heavy rains, thunderstorms, sleet, some snow, and an ice storm before the system left late Sunday night. Monday morning service people came out to do their magic and we have water. Today I cleaned the house again. Hopefully nothing bad happens. I’m starting to doubt a little cleanliness never hurt anyone.

Despite the lack of running water, the weekend went well. I finished writing my memoir. I know I’ve said that several times and then a lot of things happened. But I think this time I am really done.

This week I am looking forward to doing stand up comedy again. Then Paul and I are going out of town for the night to see Alex perform with his band. It’s one little last hurrah before I start working next week…if I start working next week. Hopefully I’ll get my schedule soon!!

Hopefully the next time you hear from me I’ll be complaining about my new job. Just kidding. I used to really get into April Fool’s Day jokes. But it really doesn’t interest me too much anymore. Maybe that’s a part of being a ‘mature’ woman.

The unplanned

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I was intending to write sooner but life had other plans. I ended up in the ER after I got a rather large sliver under the nailbed of my thumb. It was incredibly painful. Thankfully they were able to numb me up enough to get it out. But they had to remove a chunk of my nail to get it all out. This happened on my dominant hand so it’s been a bit of a challenge to do things. I have to keep it wrapped up for a week and watch for signs of infection. I’m not sure how it is going to look when it heals. It was a horrible and disgusting experience. I am not in much pain now, but I just feel exhausted. It didn’t help that I had my new hire physical today with bloodwork and a flu shot.

Other than the trip to the ER, this past week went well with a lot of fun activities planned. Angel came home and a group of us went out to eat and watched the musical she directed the music for. She wasn’t home for long, but we enjoyed our time together. Unfortunately for Angel, she got stuck at the airport in Chicago because the weather out east was not good and her flight got cancelled. But she did make it home safely and that’s what counts even though she did have to spend the night in Chicago.

We also had a group of friends meet us out to watch Alex’s band perform at a local brewery for St. Patrick’s Day weekend. I volunteered at a local film festival event. We saw our son’s bandmate perform on St. Patrick’s Day, drank green beer, and played trivia with friends that evening. It was probably the busiest extended weekend of the month if not year so far and one of the most fun as well. This weekend is going to be a lot quieter, but that is okay.

Last week I met with Matt’s case manager and program coordinator. I was not surprised to find out that my mom had complete control of Matt’s finances and medical care. I don’t want to control anything. My mom wouldn’t allow the care team to attend appointments with Matt, which is what they typically do. My mom also had extreme and strict restrictions on what the staff could and could not do. (Why couldn’t my mom be a clean freak instead???) I basically told them that all restrictions would be removed. They were all overjoyed, except for my mom that is. I know she is angry with me for not doing things her way and for not being able to control me. The way my mom treats me is hurtful at times. But my expectations of my parents are so low that it doesn’t matter all that much.

Both Paul and I feel terribly alone with our lifelong lack of parental guidance. I honestly don’t know if I would miss my parents much when they pass away. We don’t have that kind of relationship. It seems like they have been gone for years. I feel sad and jealous of stories of warm and loving parents. Parents that don’t leave a legacy of messes for their children to clean up. There is never a dull moment. But in some ways I rejoice for not being controlled because in families there are rules. I can finally do things my own way and no one cares. I created the family I wanted and what more could I need? Maybe grandchildren…

My best friend is going to be a grandma again. Her 21 year old son and his girlfriend are going to have a baby. It was a bit of a surprise no one was expecting which created a lot of mixed feelings. They are young, immature, and not ready to be parents. But who is, really?

I’m not sure what this next week will bring. I guess I needed a reminder that things don’t always go according to plan. Planes are late and accidents happen that throw off the normal trajectory of life. Sometimes, though, it is easier to face disappointment and suffering when you plan on it being that way.

Birthdays galore

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I survived my 50th birthday weekend!!

And what a weekend it was too! I had a three day birthday party bash. It was more of an open house concept which worked really well. Friday night was the big night as I had my son’s band play. The weather was perfect. Saturday I hosted a 70’s costume party. Sunday I hosted a murder mystery party. In lieu of gifts, I asked for donations for two of my favorite charities. The last thing I wanted was a whole bunch of gag gifts like my husband got for his 50th.

Friends and family stopped in when they were available. By Sunday, on my actual birthday, everything was pretty low key. But it didn’t end there. The following day was Lexi’s (my son’s girlfriend) 25th birthday, so we celebrated that too. She wanted everyone to dress goth style which was a lot of fun. Although my son and husband did not want to wear manscara or guy liner. Party poopers! LOL.

But it didn’t end there.. Last weekend was Angel’s birthday. Next week is our wedding anniversary, then afterwards we will be celebrating my son and my mom’s birthday. There is a season for everything. I’ll take a time of celebration over sorrow any day.

Life around here lately

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It seems like forever since I wrote about life as it currently is. I don’t know where to start. And now we find ourselves at the end of May. The temperature is slowly starting to climb up and today we face the first risk of severe weather. The air feels charged and I hear the rumble of distant thunder. But for a time I’ve found myself in calm waters.

This past weekend Paul and I went to a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) training seminar to prepare to teach a class for families next winter. It was an excellent educational experience, albeit exhausting. Paul is gearing up for another busy summer running our seasonal business. He had his annual physical a couple weeks back and his numbers weren’t quite where they were supposed to be. Tomorrow he is going in for a CT scan. At this point, we haven’t talked much about it to others and are trying not to worry.

Angel already finished reading the memoir I wrote. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk to her much about it, but I think she loved it. She was happy I shared it with her and if nothing else she has a small piece of her family history. I’m not sure how she did it, but she was able to upload my book onto her Kindle to read it. It was a strange experience to see my book in that format, almost as if I was already a published author. Over the weekend, Angel finished her second half-marathon. She was going to run the full marathon but suffered from an injury earlier this year so is putting the full off until the fall. Dan was going to run the half with her but he also got injured right before the race and couldn’t run. I know she will finish her goal of running a marathon.

Alex just completed his certificates in audio recording and music production. He has been given the opportunity to play in a wildly popular local band. We’ll see where he goes with it.

Arabella has been doing well. She is on a medication regime that works for her. For the first time in her life she considers me a best friend. We have been getting along better than we have ever gotten along before. I’m trying to enjoy the good times with her while they last. It’s been a very long road to get to this point for all of us. Last week Arabella turned 21. Although the doctor said she could only have one drink, the family pulled together and made it a great day for her.

I can’t complain, things are going well and I’m enjoying having a close relationship with all of my kids. That doesn’t mean everything is perfect. I enjoyed Mother’s Day with all my kids and their significant others. It turned out to be a hot and humid day which rarely occurs so early in May. I didn’t have much of an agenda, just church in the morning, yard games in the afternoon, and going out to eat that evening at the restaurant Arabella works at. My brother Matt was sick so my mother came over without him which was nice. If Matt were there, my mom would cater to him and leave early. My mom stayed to go out to eat for supper.

I did find myself annoyed with my mom on Mother’s Day. When we asked if she would go out to eat for Arabella’s birthday, she said she wasn’t going to go because she didn’t like tomatoes. What did that have to do with anything? She ended up changing her mind later in the week and ended up going but I was irritated. We had a long wait to get a table at the restaurant and once again I found myself irritated because there wasn’t a lot of seating in the waiting area. I was annoyed that the young people weren’t offering up their seats for the elderly patrons. It’s a big pet peeve of mine.

All in all, it was a good day. Angel and Dan came to church with us. Angel made some lemon dessert bread which she has to save the recipe for. It was excellent! Paul made us a nice lunch of grilled cheese, tomato bisque soup, and salad. We played bocce ball and jenga (which I lost at twice). We enjoyed the sunny day. Angel and Dan left before supper to visit Dan’s mom. We had a great supper with Arabella as our server. Later in the evening, Paul, Alex, Lexi, Arabella, and I were going to watch a movie. Arabella said she wasn’t feeling the best and wanted to go to bed. Next thing I heard was several big splats from the other room and a call for mom. Arabella threw up all over her bed and the floor. Lexi offered to help me clean up the mess, but I refused.

That’s what being a mom (a parent) is all about, taking the good along with the bad. And hopefully when the storms come, being able to weather them.

The sun is shining now, but I know the storms are coming soon.

This winter

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This winter has been the warmest winter ever recorded in Wisconsin.

It feels like winter lasted all of two weeks in the month of January. We had a week of snowstorms followed by a week of bitterly cold temperatures. That’s been about it.

It feels like we are still waiting for it to arrive. But the summer birds are coming back and the trees have been prematurely budding for the last couple of weeks. I think I even heard someone start up a lawnmower.

A lot of tourism dollars were lost on the mild winter. I’ve seen more people on motorcycles this winter than I ever did before and no one on snowmobiles. I didn’t go cross-country skiing or snowshoeing. After the week of snowfall, it was too cold to enjoy it before it was gone.

However, the menfolk still made their annual ice fishing trek to the far north woods this past weekend. There wasn’t a lot of ice on the inland lakes, just enough to walk on. Lake Superior didn’t freeze over. No one was driving big trucks, snowmobiles, or even 4 wheelers on the ice. This year I didn’t even see one ice shack.

Some people like it, others don’t. Some feel trepidation about liking it and remind others who are too joyful of the blizzard we got in April a couple years back. Some worry about the economy, global warming, the environment, the farmers, the tulips, and drought.

One thing is for sure. No matter what we say or think, we don’t have control over the weather. We can knock on wood as much as we please, but that doesn’t change a thing either. Why do we think our words have the power to jinx things? Even the weather forecasters with expensive equipment can’t get things right.

We just need to move on with life and keep on living even when the patterns we live by are off. No one is certain what the future holds. That is true even about the weather.

It seems strange though. I wonder what the rest of the year will bring.