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April’s crying

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The snow is gone and the grass is green, almost in need of the first mowing.

The floodgates opened and April came in crying. For a whole week, we had torrential downpours. We lost power for an afternoon. Rain water seeped into cracks of our very foundation we never knew we had before. I had to throw away a few things, but compared to others it wasn’t a big deal. Several nights driving home from work, the lightening flashed like a strobe light. The rains flooded area streets and you couldn’t see it coming even as you were driving through it. Hail cracked at my windshield. The first hit like a stone throw. What is happening? Crunching golf balls under my tires. Do I drive across it like I’m driving through snow? This was new territory even for me. How do I navigate it?

My mother is dying. I think it will be soon. I am asked which funeral home. Does she want to be buried or cremated? Will I be calling one of her siblings to tell the rest or will I be calling all of them? Mother’s Day ads. Songs about mothers on the radio. Songs about the passage of time. I can’t cry on my way to work. Old pictures. I had better set some aside. What will she wear? She is just skin and bones. How can they repair?

How can you sum up a life in an hour or two? Then she will be gone forever. Just to leave me behind with only the memories we shared. Was I good enough? Will I have regrets? What was her? What was her diseased state of mind? Maybe if I had more compassion instead of irritation.

This is new territory. How will I navigate it?

April update

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We left off as a blizzard was approaching. We got hit with a huge storm, making the roads nearly impassable. I did make it in to work that weekend, and ended up hunkering down at my daughter Angel’s house who lives 5 minutes away. I’ve never driven in worse conditions. The cold weather and storms left our roads with massive potholes. Our early spring weather has not been a lot better with cool temps and massive rainfalls and ice storms. We lost power for a day. I am really starting to long for warm and sunny days.

Thankfully the weather didn’t hamper our vacation plans. I almost had two weeks off of work. When I got back to work, I was told the good news that our supervisor resigned. I really hope this will improve the work environment.

Right after getting home from our trip, I went to visit my mom. It had been several weeks since I saw her. I was sick one week, the blizzard hit the next, and then we were off on our trip. I could tell when I saw her that she had rapidly declined. She no longer eats or drinks much and oftentimes afterwards gets sick. She stopped smiling, talking much, or acknowledging my presence. Her light is fading fast. A lot of times, I cope by distracting myself from thinking about it. It’s hard to see her this way, not able to care for her own basic needs. She looks like a skeleton.

I try to focus on good things, like becoming a grandma soon. Angel is 6 months along and starting to show. She is due on her birthday in July, just like I was due on my birthday with her. They are going to have a baby girl. They decided to buy my parent’s house. My brothers accepted their offer. My parents built the house 50 years ago and haven’t done anything with it since then. They are going to have their work cut out for them.

My husband Paul is almost done with the tax season. He is doing really well but has been working every day since the day after we got back. I really appreciate his hard work and he really saved me by doing the guardianship accounting for my brother. It was a mess since I became guardian several months into 2025, taking over from my mother who was developing dementia. My mom started 2025 by writing out checks, and I took over in the 2nd quarter until I was able to get a payee in the 3rd quarter.

It’s hard to believe life has changed so much over the past year, even the past month. I wonder what the next year will bring.

March in like a lamb

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It’s hard to believe it’s March already. So far March is coming in like a lamb. The sun is shining brightly and the snow is starting to melt. A small reprieve from the wicked winter weather leading us to hope for spring. Although the spring birds haven’t made an appearance yet.

Life is starting to look up a little in some regards. Work is going better. Since our supervisor has been awful, several of my co-workers and I started communicating with her supervisor. I asked her what her plan was to retain employees since I was planning on leaving. She was willing to work with us and came up with a good plan which I think is fair. I will actually have to work less weekends.

Over the weekend, my husband picked up his new vehicle. We went on a date night and went out last night to watch our son play in his band. Maybe I just needed to get away from the every day stressors to feel a little better. I am looking forward to our vacation in a couple weeks and taking some time off work. Angel is almost half way through her pregnancy already. Last night I had a dream they were having a baby boy but it was actually a girl. I will be finding out the gender soon which is exciting. Very soon, Dan and Angel will be back home for good. They might be interested in buying my parents house. Everything is slowly coming together. Next weekend we will be renting a dumpster and starting to really get rid of a lot of junk. There is finally an end in sight. On a sad note though, Angel and Dan’s kitten snuck out of their camper and ran away a couple days ago. She hasn’t come back, but hopefully she will.

Alex is doing alright and so is Arabella for the most part. She has been more moody than usual, but we’ll see. Her boyfriend just lost his job so I’m not sure how that whole situation will pan out. My parents are declining more every time I visit them. My mom hasn’t been talking a lot and my dad has been talking too much. Last time I visited, he was his nasty and mean self. They were preparing for the passing of another resident in their facility.

March has come in like a lamb. I sure hope it doesn’t go out as a lion.

End of February update

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Not a lot has changed since the last update. My parents are still with us. I still have a huge pile of boxes in my office to go through from their house. And when I get through those, I will bring in more.

Nothing has changed with my job. If anything, things have gotten worse. The work environment is toxic. I don’t want to stay. However, being the diligent employee that I am, I earned a month of vacation days that I will lose if I leave. I just had my annual review where my supervisor said I’m doing an excellent job. I double my collection goal every month. My job accuracy is 100%. I have never called in. I am the top employee. But they have implemented the on call policy. I will be on call Mother’s Day weekend, the weekend I am hosting my daughter’s baby shower. And if my mom is still alive, I am planning on spending time with her not being at work. When I expressed my concerns to my supervisor she had the attitude of too bad. Yes, it is too bad for her because I am not going to stay. Gone are the days when I go above and beyond. I will not be going in early, staying late, or taking on open shifts. I will be gone.

Just to give you an idea of how things are at work… My supervisor accused my co-worker of stealing money in public in front of other staff and patients. Only to find out later that the supervisor misplaced the money. No apology was granted or concern for the employee who was publicly humiliated. It makes my blood boil to see how she mistreats not only me but the other employees. My husband wants me to leave right away and find a better job. But I want to hang in there a couple more months to use up the PTO I earned. Plus I already created his summer seasonal work schedule around my schedule when I am off. I haven’t taken any time off since I started my job and I don’t want to build that again starting a new job.

The engine went out on my husband’s truck. So now we have to replace a vehicle we thought had many more years and miles left on it. We weren’t expecting to have to find a new vehicle so that adds to the pressure of my husband wanting me to find a better paying job. One thing I can say is that I expressed my thoughts to my supervisor and stood up for myself which I feel very good about. But once again I am plunging into the land of uncertainty which drives me crazy.

Just one more month until we leave for our vacation. I am really looking forward to that and using up some of my PTO days.

The great, the bad, the ugliest

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It seems like several years passed since I last wrote. I have so many things to tell you.

The day after I last wrote would start the first 6 out of 7 days I would be working for the week with Christmas Day off. Early Monday morning, right before my shift in the ER started, Arabella got into a car accident. She hit a patch of black ice and totaled her car. She called me crying and hard to understand. The rescue squad took her to the ER where I work. I left early for work so I could spend time with her before my shift. She ended up with a concussion and dislocated elbow. As I was finishing in a room, I could hear my daughter screaming a couple rooms down. It was rather traumatic hearing my own kid cry out in pain. Arabella is doing a lot better but still doesn’t have full motion of her arm.

The next unexpected event happened on Christmas Day. Everything was going well, we just had a big meal and opened gifts when Angel pulled one last gift for me to open. Inside was a onesie with an ultrasound picture. I was totally shocked and didn’t know what to say. I am going to be a grandma in July!! I was not expecting that. I am very excited for Dan and Angel!!

Then the following evening, my mom got admitted into the hospital with sepsis. Several days later my dad got admitted into the hospital too. They both had UTI’s, pneumonia, and the flu. My dad was in the hospital for a week and my mom a week and a half. The sickness totally ravaged what was left of my mom’s body. She has been released back to the assisted living home on hospice. She can no longer feed herself, walk, or sit up. We weren’t sure she would make it out of the hospital. Both of my parents were released on Monday. It’s been difficult watching my mom fade away. Neither parent has much time left on this earth.

It’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions here for all of us. Great sorrow alongside of great joy. The great, the bad, the ugliest.

Fall update

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It’s hard to believe we are into October already. We have been enjoying unseasonably warm temps up until today so it was easy to deceive myself otherwise.

I have been at my job for half a year already. Three more employees started working after I was hired so I guess I am not really the new person anymore. My old perfectionistic workaholic ways are catching up to me. I haven’t called in or taken a day off yet, instead I’ve been picking up extra hours and working overtime. I’ve already climbed to a position of respect amongst my co-workers. The management still sucks though, but for now I’m staying. I really like the chaos of working in an ER setting.

Arabella had her day in court and her felony charges have been dismissed. She is off probation and head over heels in love with her new boyfriend. It seems the feeling is mutual. I have a feeling she will be moving out in the next couple months.

Angel will be heading out of state this weekend and won’t be home until the holiday season. While she was back home, her husband rescued a stray kitten hanging around their camper and now they have two cats. I finally set up the graduation trip with my daughter. Back in 2020 when Angel graduated from college, we told her instead of a gift or money, we would like to make memories and take a trip with her. Well, I guess I don’t have to tell you how that turned out back in 2020. Finally I planned a trip for next March with my husband, and Angel and her husband. The most exciting thing is that it is a mystery trip. Angel gave me ideas and I am planning a big surprise.

On a sour note, Alex and his girlfriend broke up. She was seeing other guys behind his back. One night when Alex was playing at a gig out of town, Arabella and his girlfriend went out. Once again, Alex’s girlfriend got really drunk and this time hooked up with a random stranger at the bar. She told Arabella not to tell her brother about it or about her still seeing other people. She told Arabella if she did, she wasn’t going to be her friend anymore and would never see her again. The next evening Alex’s girlfriend was hanging out with him at our house when Arabella came home from work and told her brother everything. Alex took the break up really hard and is really struggling right now. Thankfully instead of closing himself off, he has been open and talking to us.

Paul is just finishing up his summer seasonal job and is toying around with the thought of working a winter seasonal job. Today I spent my day off washing windows and getting everything ready for winter. Soon will be the great purge of getting rid of the old and bringing in the new. Soon we will be going through my parents house and starting to empty it out. It feels good to empty myself of the garbage in my life.

The fall, winds of change

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Even though autumn is my second favorite season, I always feel sad to see the end of summer. I don’t feel like I enjoyed summer as much as I should’ve. The end of summer brings another change, and not just with the seasons.

Tomorrow Arabella has her last court date. After two years, she will now be off of probation. She spoke with her lawyer, and told him she has since been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Hopefully she will be able to have her charges dismissed. Her crime was classified as domestic abuse, without consideration she was in a manic state with psychosis. She didn’t have the diagnosis at the time of her criminal offense, her mental illness was just beginning.

The first couple months out of jail was a rough ride, but once she finally got a proper diagnosis with the proper treatment she has become the daughter I’ve always wanted her to be. Perfect, no. But finally getting her life back together. She has been holding down the same job for the past two years. My son Alex recently told Arabella he forgave her for hurting us and his hatred towards her. She is a different person now, a better person who wouldn’t think of hurting anyone. This past week she started dating someone new. He seems like a nice guy.

Alex starting dating someone too. He is with Arabella’s friend, the girl who went to rehab a couple months back. This past weekend Alex was playing with his band. By the time Paul, Angel, and I got to the show his new girlfriend was wasted. She was hitting on everyone. She met Angel for the first time and it didn’t go well. Angel tried to tell her she was Alex’s sister but Angel thought his new girlfriend saw her as competition. This girl was drunk and out of control in front of Alex while he was playing. At one point, she could barely walk so we sat her down with some water.

When Alex got done playing, he was upset and wasn’t sure what to do. We thought perhaps their relationship would be over. The next day, Alex told us he gave her an ultimatum. He told her if she wanted to be with him, she had to stop drinking. He told her in return he would quit drinking too. I have been really concerned lately about my son’s alcoholism. Since he started with this new girl, both of them took drinking to a whole new level. She wanted them to do shots first thing in the morning. He has been black out drunk several nights in a row for weeks, maybe longer. I don’t always see it.

It won’t be easy to turn away from alcohol in our culture. When Alex plays, fans often buy the band drinks and shots. The last week or so his eyes were opened. While playing he had the opportunity to see what hard core alcoholism looks like, how it can destroy people and relationships. He said with or without his new girlfriend, he was going to give up drinking because he doesn’t want that to be a part of his future.

I see a lot of change in the air.

Assisted living

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I scheduled an appointment to visit an assisted living facility with my parents after my mom’s birthday in early August. They had two immediate openings for two rooms next to each other with a shared bathroom. They were willing to take both my mom and dad, although my mom needs memory care and my dad has a physical disability. We jumped at the opportunity. Finally a windfall!

My aunt threw a birthday party for my mom on her birthday which I attended. My mom expressed anger with me at her party for allowing my brother, whom I am guardian of, to have an unrestricted diet. It was all very awkward, being reprimanded by my mom in front of everyone in a public place. I told my mom we could talk about it later but at the moment we were there to have fun and celebrate her birthday.

My SIL also threw my mom a birthday party at the family cabin. It would probably be the last time she goes up to the cabin and maybe the last birthday she will be somewhat cognizant for. That in and of itself was depressing. Once again, my mom expressed anger towards me about Matt. I helped Matt make a plate of food for himself and my mom took half the food I put on his plate and threw it in the garbage. She was upset I forgot to bring his applesauce for him to take his pills. I also forgot a few other things I had no idea she wanted me to bring. She was so upset she wanted to leave.

Then last weekend arrived, the weekend my parents were set to move in. On Saturday we went up north and closed down the cabin for the season. Then my brothers and I sat down and talked for several hours about the plan going forward. What are we going to do with the house, cabin, their vehicles, finances, cleaning out the house, etc. My brother Luke said he was living off his faith to get through it. I said I was burning off my anger. It’s hard to have to grieve your parents while they are still alive, even more so because my relationship with my parents is complicated. I feel a lot of anger about how I was treated in the past and how the mess they made, we are going to have to clean up. Because of their hoarding tendencies, I think it’s going to take years to clean out the house. I hope I am wrong.

Then moving day came along. We went to my parents house to load up some of their belongings. My mom kept grabbing things to put in boxes. My SIL took them out and put them back. I decided to go outside with my mom to keep her out of their hair. My mom wanted to take a walk to her church down the road. I was the last one to walk with my mom down the only road that I could remember her living on. My mom stopped along the way to pull out weeds along the ditch. She carried them over to to a grassy area on an uneven pathway. I was afraid she might lose her step.

When we got to the church, mom wanted to walk around the cemetery and talk about people who died. I saw the gravestones of my ancestors and familiar names. My mom asked if I knew them, the graves of my great-great-grandparents. I said I did, but I didn’t really. I softly cried on the walk. My mom was always a fast walker, and I had to struggle to keep up. But this time she shuffled along and I was afraid she might not have the strength to make it all the way back.

This time my mom was kind towards me, almost childlike. I watched her say good-bye to her house, the only house I’ve ever seen her live in. The grief slipped from anger into sadness. My mom is gone now. She is leaving more and more every day.

The end of June

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How is June almost over already???

I’m just trying to keep my head above water. It’s a big adjustment going back to work full-time. My days off tend to be filled with running errands, cleaning, and checking in/doctor appointments. I am thinking my mom will be ruled incompetent soon. My dad is listed as POA and I am secondary. Either my dad will take on being POA so he can force us to let them stay at home or he will resign and it will be on me. Neither are good options.

Meanwhile, I am changing things up with my brother Matt who I am now guardian of. I switched his account over to a professional payee which will be easier in the long run but is an adjustment right now. Things are getting really messed up because my mom is still getting some of the notifications about bills and doctor appointments. Then she is making arrangements for him incorrectly that I know nothing about. It has lead to a lot of confusion all around to the point where the group home thought he was missing a couple times my mom cancelled his transportation.

At times my mom still wants and thinks she has full control over Matt. She has been very unreasonable with his care and I am going to change that. This has lead to stress on my part. I had a nightmare that because of the changes I made that he became violent again. There is a sliver of doubt in my mind. What if my mom was right? What if I do the wrong things for the right reason? It’s a lot of responsibility.

Arabella had her doctor appointment in there as well. The doctor is decreasing her dose of her anti-psychotic medication due to weight gain that didn’t get better on weight loss meds. We’ll see what happens with that.

Alex’s car broke down, so I have been giving him some rides to work when I can. He moved back into the house which I have mixed feelings about. He is incredibly moody and can be hard to live with but I love him anyway. He is more of a responsibility than help most of the time.

Angel is still in the area. Thankfully since confronting her stalker neighbor, things have gotten a lot better. There haven’t been any issues. Dan has been on the road all month and will be coming home soon. But after that, they have no idea what they will be doing which has been stressful for them.

Paul has been working a lot too. I am thankful for him. He offered to take Matt to his doctor appointment for me when I was scheduled to work. However, the doctor’s office ended up rescheduling Matt’s appointment and I picked a time when I can take him.

I think I’m going to call this the summer of responsibility. I try to catch little breaks when I can. Yesterday I had the day off and went to lunch with my friend Jen. It’s the little things that keep me going right now.

Middle of April update

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I am getting into the swing of things with my new job. Last week I had the online orientation. This week I took two classes, yesterday and today. Monday I shadowed an employee doing registration in the ER. It was a hectic day as one of the employee’s called in. The person who was training me said it’s always busy there and they can barely keep up with the work. The company I work for manages two ER’s, one is always busy the other is not. Most people want to work at the ER that is not quite as busy. But I, along with the trainer, would rather be too busy than not busy enough.

Next week I will start training with the ability to login as an employee instead of just watching. I will be working full-time next week which is going to be super crazy busy with the NFL draft in the area. I am going to be seeing a lot of things. It seems like in the one day I already have.

All is well in the home front. My mom made it to her MRI appointment without me having to take off work. I had a marvelous weekend, although once again I stayed up way too late. This weekend is going to be a lot more low key. We are planning on having people over for Easter, but nothing too big. I have to work all day Thursday and Friday. Tomorrow night I am planning on doing stand up comedy.

This week I washed the windows and put on the screens as it might get into the 60’s.

We found out yesterday that my daughter Angel and her husband will not be home for another month. We thought they would be home by the end of this month. This weekend Dan will be done with his job in Virginia and they will be moving their camper to another job site in Georgia. Dan hasn’t been home since Christmas. Angel stayed home through January which was a bit of a problem as her next door neighbor wrote her a love note in January. She wasn’t comfortable there by herself because of that. She recently got footage on her Ring camera that her neighbor was looking into her windows. Thankfully when she comes home, Dan will be with her to have a conversation with the creepy neighbor.

That’s all for this week. So far the new job seems interesting and I think I will really like it.

Happy Easter!