Month: December 2025

No kidding

/ Outrunning my demons / 4 Comments

Life has been busy the last couple weeks with the holiday season rolling in and working full-time. I will be working every day this week except Christmas day. Although I like my job, I am not looking forward to this week since I will be working the next 6 out of 7 days.

I had this weekend off. My uncle and cousins flew into town from Texas to say good-bye to my mom. We were told this past week that the nurse was considering putting her on hospice tomorrow. She had a UTI over the past couple of weeks that speeded up her trip downhill. I kind of blamed myself for that, although I know it’s silly. The times I took her out of the assisted living facility I had to help her with the bathroom and I told myself I didn’t do something right. Why do we tend to blame ourselves for things outside of our control? I realize it’s foolishness.

Now my mom is struggling with daily activities more, like walking. My mom was always physically active so it is hard to see her like that. The dementia is starting to ravage her body now as much as her mind. She still knows who I am, but she just repeats nonsense words. She kept saying no kidding over and over. But her voice was so quiet I had to go closer to hear expecting something meaningful, but just to get a no kidding. The rest of the time she just blankly stares at me.

No one knows what to say when they don’t feel like there is anything they can do to change the situation. I just feel this nagging sadness and overall numbness right now.

No kidding.

A harsh winter is on the way

/ Outrunning my demons / 1 Comment

Just like that, the holiday season has begun. Winter weather came along with it blowing its harsh cold winds. We have snow on the ground and had a few days of subzero wind chills.

We hosted Thanksgiving here which turned out being very busy with a total of 18 people. The weather was very cold and I am thankful Angel and Paul decided not to run the Turkey Trot in order to help me out more. I didn’t ask them to forgo the race to help me, but I couldn’t have done it without their help. They helped me pick up my mom and Matt to bring them to the party. I didn’t know it yet, but my mom’s health had declined since I last saw her.

I dished up my mom and Matt’s food, giving my mom easy to eat foods and Matt whatever he wanted. My mom didn’t even notice this time when Matt ate foods she wouldn’t let him eat. This was confusing to Matt. He didn’t understand why he didn’t get angry when he ate foods with gluten. He asked mom if it was okay and she didn’t respond. I told Matt that God had healed him and now he can eat whatever he wants and be fine. Matt said some day mom would be healed when she goes to heaven. Matt said he would have lots of energy when he gets to heaven and that he would be able to run very fast. Oh, to have the faith of a child and be ignorant of everything around me.

My best friend’s family also celebrated Thanksgiving with us. The youngest member of their family arrived in late summer. I spent some time holding the new baby and feeling jealous of my best friend who now has 4 grandchildren and another on the way. I spent the weekend after Thanksgiving working and this past weekend we had our first Christmas party with my mom’s siblings and their families.

It was a difficult family party because everyone there spent some time saying good-bye to my mom. It will very likely be the last Christmas we spend with her. My mom didn’t talk a lot but when she did it didn’t make much sense. She told everyone she died on her birthday. And in some way she sort of did. Back in August, she was angry with me and agitated she wasn’t in control. Now she doesn’t seem to even care. She needs help going to the bathroom and even eating. We had a heck of a time getting her in and out of the vehicle. I wasn’t even sure we would be able to convince her to go anywhere.

My mom is almost gone now. The family has been coming to say their good-byes. I’m going to try to see her as much as I can before she is gone. In many ways, I wish we knew what was going on much sooner. Maybe we would’ve been less frustrated with her inappropriate behavior. I can’t pinpoint when my mom first left us, but she has been gone for several years now. It started so gradually, but now the time is going fast.