A game of cat and bird

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I admit, this picture is not award winning. But it is one in a million. How often are you in the kitchen with your cat when a bird decides to peek in? Plus have the opportunity to take a picture before the moment passes. I have always been a bird magnet which causes conflicting polarity since cats have always been drawn to me as well. Or perhaps the bird was looking in hopes to find our neighbor that moved away. His massive gardens and bird feeders long gone.

A few days later, I was sitting on my deck listening to the old Pink Floyd song Cirrus Minor. The song begins with the melodic singing of birds. My new friend came over by me again. I think he must be lonely. I would recommend other Pink Floyd songs to him if he could get past The Wall, that is. He may relate to the raw feelings of loneliness in The Final Cut. Or like the sounds of clocks and bells, even the little sounds of bicycle bells that may honk at him. He may also like the sounds of other animals such as pigs, sheep, dogs, insects, or cows in other songs. Or the lonely seagulls cry in Set Controls for the Heart of the Sun. He may think some of the old songs are just too creepy. Some are, but if you dig far enough into the “Relics” there are a few hidden gems like Cymbaline, Julia Dream, and See Saw. Or “our song” which has always been Fat Old Sun, not Fat Old Son as my husband jokes. 

I have seen evidence of you, little bird, when I was gone. Little streaks of bird poop on my clothes drying on the line. I didn’t appreciate this, but I know I have to take the good with the bad. You do tolerate my cat. I might miss you when you decide to fly away. Some day I too will be alone when my little birds decide to leave the nest. 

A sailor’s return to health and hearth

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Today is the day that my husband comes home. A week ago he went off sailing into the sunset with a bunch of other sailors. I am glad that he sailed away. Since we work together and are practically inseparable, it was good to appreciate him in his absence. With the stresses of running a business and raising teenagers, we both do our part in keeping the antacid pharmaceutical companies afloat. Some time putting stress on the back burner helps keep the burning acid fires at bay. 

I am sure that the men were happy to get away from their wives nagging them about how much they eat, drink, or smoke. I do my fair share of nagging, I know. Paul is 6 years older than me, women live longer than men, plus longevity is on my side not necessarily his. So I figure that statistically speaking I should outlive him by 13 to 20+ years. We have been together 20 years this month, almost half my life. And I almost lost him once about 10 years ago. 

Ten years ago… I was staying at home taking care of our 3 little kids while Paul was building his own business. It was a one man show back then. Paul started having a lot of back pain. Our dr gave him cortisone shots and muscle relaxers, but the pain didn’t go away. After further testing, a cyst was discovered in his kidney area. No problem the dr said and plans were made to have an ultrasound to aid in the removal of the cyst. When we got to the appointment something was wrong. The dr didn’t like what he saw. He feared that the cyst was cancerous and trying to remove it by a simple procedure would tear it open and spread the cancer all over his body. Special tools needed ordering and surgery would be required. 

This all happened right before thanksgiving. Life went on. We had the whole family over for thanksgiving as planned. Paul got up early and cooked the meal in a tremendous amount of pain. We prayed and we worried. Cancer, the thought of forever losing my husband. The procedure required a major surgery that involved removal of a couple ribs, a week in the hospital, and a long recooperation time. Plus it was going to be expensive. Like most small business owners, we had a very high deductible and only went to the dr for catastrophic events. 

I remember the day of surgery quite well. It happened in the afternoon. The pastor and another church member prayed for my husband. Then I was left sitting in the waiting area for hours alone. I brought a book with me that I must have read the same sentence over and over. I looked down at the lonely desolate streets and watched the street lamps come on. I thought of facing life alone as I watched the wind blow the remainders of the late fall leaves swirling away. The dr finally came out and said that everything was ok. Paul had a cyst the size of a football on his adrenal gland, but it was most likely not cancerous. After I saw that he was safe in his room, I headed home. The weather took a turn for the worst. There was black ice everywhere. A car slid off the overpass and lay overturned in the ditch. There were many accidents on the way home that night. But we lived through that day!

Paul lost a lot of weight. He was thin and sickly which says a lot since he was always a big man. He needed help. I had to take him to work. He needed help getting up and down the stairs to his office. One step at a time. This was before Internet allowed him to work remotely. So much for recovery time. It was before I knew how to do the work myself. But he dragged his sore, heavily medicated body in. It was painful to watch. At the time, he was also taking a 4 credit master’s degree accounting class. He spent the weekends, when he should have been resting, working on his accounting spreadsheets and then finals. This is why I love this man, he preserveres. I admire his strength. 

Go ahead, take a week off. 

Running etiquette, rules, and humor top 10

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After almost getting hit again by a car today, I decided to scrap the blog I was going to write and focus a little bit on running etiquette for runners and maybe especially more so for nonrunners. 

Here is my top ten list:

1. If you see a runner on the road while you are driving, it is best to move over to the other lane if possible. Runners don’t like the uneven ankle twisting gravel on the shoulder. They like jumping into a ditch even less. If there is a car in the other lane, just slow down. It won’t kill you to take a few minutes to slow down a little. But it could kill us if you don’t. I decided to wave at the people that follow my rules of the road. Maybe a little positive reinforcement goes a long way. 

2. If you are a woman and a guy in a service truck obeys these rules then just ignore them. Waving could signal more than positive reinforcement of rules. One time my friend and I had a service tech guy stop us on the road. He said, “Girls, wanna cucumber?” He actually had a bag of cucumbers, but you never know. After several strange encounters like this and being whistled at, it is better not to even look. If I wanted to get hit on, I would have joined a gym. 

3. Runners know when you are lost and need directions. The elderly women wanting to know where a street down the road was while peering over their glasses at a mapquest map were probably lost. The guy with the septic pumping truck plastered with a local address was probably not. 

4. If you suffer from anxiety, you should try running. I always had a nervous energy while being tired all the time. Running mimics my body’s response to anxiety. It makes your heart race, you sweat, and at times you feel like you are going to pass out or die. It does help my body deal with anxiety by comparing stressful situations to running. Okay, control your breathing. Relax, body. It is just like running. If driver’s knew at times how close I felt to passing out, maybe they wouldn’t drive so close to me. 

5. I always run in busy areas. People see me. That is ok, I don’t think that running on remote back roads or trails alone is very safe. Plus on busier roads dogs are more likely to be tied up. Believe me, it is not fun tripping over a dog that ambushes you. Been there, done that, and have the scar. 

6. Running at night makes it hard for me to fall asleep at night. I like to tackle a run first thing in the morning or over lunch time if it is really cold out. It actually gives me energy the rest of the day. 

7. It is probably best to avoid an injured runner or someone who stopped running before a big race. Running makes me happy and helps me cope with life. Without it, you will have to cope with me roaring like an injured caged wild animal. Blogs full of profuse profanity. Grrrr#***%#! Just kidding, but you get the picture. 

8. Runners are always happy to see other runners on the road, unless you sneak up on them and scare them like I did to someone this morning. Sorry. Nothing motivates me more than seeing other runners on the road. I feel an instant comraderie when I see strangers in running shirts when I am not on the road. If you are a runner, I love you. Nevermind that you could be a serial killer. 

9. If you are forced to run on a treadmill when it is 20 below at least watch a good horror or thriller flick. Run a Netflix marathon. Soap operas are probably the worst thing to watch. Isn’t that what you are running from anyway? The craziness of your own life. I found that running is a great way to relieve anger, anxiety, or life stresses. 

10. Runners are the best type of people. They are adventurous and fun. They don’t care about what they eat for the most part. I eat healthy, but do not have to justify calories from that cheeseburger or dark beer. I have the energy, stamina, and endurance to be open to anything. Would you rather spend Saturday night with a couch potato? Not me, I am out to live my only life to its fullest. 

Bracing myself

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I received a fortune cookie this week. It read, “our duty, as men and women, is to proceed as if limits to our ability did not exist.” Sometimes I feel like I have the opposite problem. I have the mind set of an iron pumping 17 year old male trapped in the body of an iron popping 41 year old woman with a sore knee. I am not the only one of my siblings to have knee problems either. My brother Mark blew out his knees and pretty much the rest of his body years ago from intense physical labor. My youngest brother already had 2 knee surgeries from being a hard core competitive volleyball player. We have been known to beat the crap out of our bodies, I wonder why I thought I could be the exception. My daughter said I may have to quit running and take up knitting. God forbid!

I bought myself a knee brace this week and ran with it yesterday for a 6 mile run. I wrapped it around my knee tight as a tourniquet. About half way through, I did feel a twinge of knee pain. What I did notice, however, was that I had a lot less pain after the run. I can imagine myself running in the future with a full body brace. I am bracing myself for that. Lol. Did I tell you that I also have a carpal tunnel brace? I need to wear it if I spend too many hours at the office or if I have a jigsaw puzzle marathon. C’mon, you live through decades of Wisconsin winters and tell me what you end up resorting to. Then my sanity level should not “puzzle” you. Just another thing I will have to brace myself for, a long winter. I am going to tell myself that it is summer as long as I can. 

I did see something interesting on the road yesterday. It was a young man walking covered head to toe in camouflage. He even carried a large camo bag. What wasn’t covered in camo was covered in tattoos. He had long dishwater blonde hair with a bit of a beard growing. He meant me no harm on his long journey. I imagined that he was discharged from the military in Texas and decided to take the long way home. It is strange how we can meet up with strangers that converge for a very brief moment on our path. Here he is in my blog, unaware. Maybe for a second I was strange to him too, bracing myself for the path I chose to tread upon. 

Back to school 2

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Ok, here is the blog you have been waiting for…. As a follow up to an earlier blog, I tallied up the cost to send my 3 kids back to school. I also realized the benefit of sending my kids off to school this morning as they were fighting on their way out the door. Lol. What does an average middle class American family spend to send their kids back to school? I don’t know, but here is what I came up with. I spent a total of $450 on school supplies. The big time expense this year was a calculator that cost over $100. I really was hesitant on this purchase until the teacher said that all math problems will be shown on this specific calculator. If I buy a cheaper model it will be at the expense of my child. What really sold me was that it could be used on the ACT test assuming that my child doesn’t lose it before then. When asked about getting an extra warranty, I said forget about it. I mean, really? I don’t think that my son will be overusing it. The probability is statistically higher that he will lose it. 

I spent another $230 on school fees. This included laptop warranties, marching band uniform, parking permit, and general class fees. Plus I still need to sell 10 magazines or pay $100 so my daughter can graduate. It was hard to send off my daughter on her first day of her last year of high school and my son to his first day of high school. I know how fast the time flies. Almost as fast as this summer went by. 

I spent another $190 per child on clothing which included shoes. Both my son and youngest daughter graduated from kids clothes into adult clothes this year. My son grew a foot since last year and is taller than me now. My 12 year old daughter went from a kids size to an adult size 12. They all have shoe sizes bigger than mine. I found that adult shoes cost a lot more than kids shoes. 

So, I ended up spending a little more than I thought I would….maybe next year I don’t want to know how much it costs to send my kids back to public school. I will focus on the benefits instead. Sounds good to me. 

Control freak!!

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If I was the world’s most articulate writer, I think I would still miserably fail to communicate to you the world of chaos that I grew up in. I didn’t have any control over my environment. We would often try to go somewhere and end up going nowhere at all. At times, I felt like I had no control over myself, my emotions. I certainly had no control over whether or not my autistic brother Matt decided to inflict pain on my body. What may have been even worse was seeing Matt inflict pain upon others; friends, family members, or complete strangers. That may have been harder then being hurt myself. It was hard to place hatred upon my brother when he didn’t seem to have any control either.

I decided that I needed control and structure in my life. I became a control freak. I was not going to allow anything or anyone to control my life. I certainly was not going to allow addiction or vices of any sort control me. But then a couple of weeks ago, I realized I was wrong. I was allowing control to control my life. Then I realized that everything I am afraid of has to do with a lack of control. 

I thought I was afraid of heights. Being on an airplane freaks me out. But I don’t mind looking out the window. It is the hours of turbulence, grasping the sides on the seat in panic that got me to seek help. I felt trapped in a tight area. A person that I didn’t know had control of my life. You say that flying is safe compared to driving. Yes, I agree, that is why I was terrified of driving too. Several years back I was afraid of driving, especially over bridges and on highways. It got so bad that at one point any driving on the highway would bring about a panic attack. It wasn’t long before I realized that my biggest fear is total lack of control. There was nowhere I could pull over on a bridge or a busy highway. The big concrete partitions locked me in. Trapped. I refused to stop driving. It has been almost 2 years since I panicked while driving. I was driving through construction. There was nowhere to pull over. I started to sweat profusely. I opened all the windows. The music from the radio unnerved me. The tunnel vision started, darkness creeping in until I thought I would pass out. I slowed down, driving erratically. My heart beating fast. I always pulled off the highway at the next exit feeling like a total failure bracing myself to face it again, feeling exhausted. I refused to let fear control me. 

I think the secret to figuring me out is making me feel like I have control. My husband is very good with giving me a false sense of control. I am ok with that. I keep my days very structured, any average stalker could figure that out. Once again I need to find equilibrium. In response to total chaos, I allowed the pendulum to swing too far in the opposite direction. I need to let go….

The recovery run

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I’m back on the streets again. This has been my first time out on the road since the marathon. I pounded out 12 miles, with a majority of the run experiencing knee pain. It started acting up around mile 3. The same pain I experienced at the marathon, just not as intense. I really hope it goes away. I don’t want this new companion. I have found that my mind is stronger than my body. This is not a good place to be. I need balance between my mind and body. I fear injury. My mind smells the fear coming off my body and it reeks!

It was a pretty uneventful run, except I almost got hit by a car. One of the closest calls yet. I knew I should have worn the honk if your going to hit me shirt! I didn’t even have time to flip the guy off. I have never done that before, but this guy came a mere couple of inches from taking my life. I did throw my arms up in anger as he sped by me. Good grief, it was not like I was running in the middle of the road. Thankfully this happened at the end of my run so it gave me the extra adrenaline rush I needed to limp on home. 

What are my future goals? I would like to start doing triathlons and do a half iron by 45. I would like to run another marathon, but I am not going to sign up until I start training to see how it goes. What do I have to gain? I already have the sticker on the back of my car. What do I have to lose? Hopefully not my ability to run to have a couple more medals. Is it worth it? Only time will tell…

Secret proclamations of love

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It has been 3 months today since we met. Others who have been with you said our relationship might not last as long. I am still as in love with you as I was when we first met. I think you like me too. I still want to be with you every day. I shared with you my dreams of running a marathon. You didn’t run away. I shared with you some very difficult times from my childhood. I didn’t run away. I can’t wait to talk with you and tell you about my day. I’m sorry it seems one sided, I do all of the talking and you do all of the listening. I haven’t run out of things to say, sometimes I just don’t know where to start. Being a shy, private, and pensive person all my life you have somehow pried open the lock on my diary. You now hold the key that has been hidden behind a dusty corner of my mind for a decade or two. 

You see, I’ve been with another like you that left me black and blue. Yes, it’s true. My left hand really was to blame. It slid the ink that stained me. Poor penmanship, my mother would say. She made me write for hours out of science books to improve myself for you when I was a little girl. Even though my teacher said that copying out of a book was wrong. It’s a shame that you can’t see my beautiful calligraphy. 

I really hope that our relationship lasts a long time. Maybe it helps that we have a relationship that few people know about. It adds a little spice to my life. I have wanted someone like you my whole life. I’m so glad that I found you after all these years. I still have a few more secrets to share. Sshhhh….

The cure for autism finale

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A couple of weeks back I started the cure series and, quite frankly, now I want to end it. We all know that right now there is no cure for autism, just better ways to manage it. I want to talk a little about what we thought may have caused it, mainly in the time frame of the 1980’s. 

The first possible cause was that my dad is a Vietnam vet. He remembers drinking the succulent sweet water laced with Agent Orange. My mom thought that the exposure to this toxic chemical may have caused autism in a first born son. Some sort of chemical induced gene mutation. Or because my dad’s family worked with heavy metals and painted cars with no ventilation back in the day. I remember for a period of time having to bathe daily for a half in hour in apple cider vinegar to rid the body of toxins. My brothers and I bathed at my grandma’s house because my parents never finished the upstairs bathroom in the house they built 40 years ago. They attempted to remodel the unfinished bathroom which left it unusable for the past 15 years. This was a topic of argument between my mom and Luke last time he was home, but I digress. 

When I was a teen, I blamed God while my mom felt blamed by God. Maybe she was being punished for something she did wrong or maybe something she didn’t do right. Maybe God was punishing her for being human or imperfect. I know that my mom struggled with this. 

Then in the 1990’s came the vaccine scare. My mom jumped on this bandwagon pretty quick. At this time, I was starting my own family. I decided that it was worth a shot at being careful with vaccinations. The theory did have a lot of face validity. I structured my own vaccination schedule that included slowly vaccinating my children after they passed the age of autism’s typical onset. I thought that even if there was a minuscule chance that this causes autism that I would do everything I could to prevent it. After living with an autistic sibling, I would do practically anything to possibly prevent it as a parent. 

The only other logical piece in the autistic puzzle was genetics. Fragile X had been ruled out. Looking at my mom’s large family with 8 total siblings and around 30 of their children, everyone would fall into a normal/average category. No disabilities or mental health issues. It is crazy how sane they are. When looking at my dad’s maternal side, they are all relatively sane too. My dad’s paternal side is filled with eccentrics. But out of 4 siblings, my dad is the only offspring. When the last sibling of that family died, we cleaned out the family house by putting a lot of stuff into my grandma’s newly vacant house. In the process of cleaning out my grandma’s house 6 years later, my brother stumbled upon an empty sample box of the antipsychotic med Haldol. Not a big deal, Matt was on that for his autism. Then my brother pointed out the expiration date on the box. The meds expired long before Matt started taking them. Hmmmm, another psychotic family member? Just another piece of the puzzle that doesn’t seem to fit anywhere. 

There is no cure for autism, just puzzle pieces that came from a lot of other mismatched and jumbled puzzle boxes. I really relate to my dad’s eccentric side of the family. Yes, sometimes I question my own sanity. That does mean I’m sane, right?!? I’ve always thought that normal was boring. Who in their right mind wants to paint a picture only using the same shade of blue?

A letter written to my only son

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Next week my son will be starting high school for the first time. As part of the orientation tonight, parents are strongly encouraged to write a letter to their child to read upon graduation. I wanted to share my letter with you:

To my only son as you graduate, 

I remember the day you were born. Your little cowlicks promised wild curls that would be untamable. You were a mama’s boy, I thought for awhile that you would never grow up, never want to leave. We would sit for hours reading stories of monkeys stealing caps, the adventures of toad and frog, or about the puddle ducks and Peter Rabbit. Then one day we put the kids books away. 

Remember when you used to suck your fingers? We tried everything to get you to stop. We tried putting a mitten on your hand at night and the spicy varnish which you exclaimed to like spicy foods. Then one day, you decided that you were too old to suck your fingers and stopped on your own. 

Then you got older still. You told your dad and I that you no longer believe the things that we believe. You said you needed to figure things out on your own. Even though we worried, we knew that you needed to find your own way in life. I sometimes fear that the road you walk will be rocky, but sometimes even the “Rocky Road” can be sweet. Once you find your place, I know that you will stand up for what you believe even if you are standing alone. That stubbornness and conviction is something I’ve always admired in you. 

Earlier this week, you told me that you really didn’t want to be with me anymore, that you wanted to hang out with your friends. For a minute, I wanted that little boy back. As much as I want to hold you tight, I know that I have to start untying the strings that have you fastened to my heart. I have to start letting you go. I hope and pray that you find the right path to start your journey on. No matter what happens, your dad and I will always love you. 

Love, Mom