Birthday

Safe people

/ Outrunning my demons / 5 Comments

I spent the last couple of days in Wisconsin Dells, the waterpark capital of America. I never really understood why the waterpark capital would be in state with such a cold climate. But I’ve learned not to question such things and decided to hop in the car for a little road trip. I was accompanied by my husband, son, and his girlfriend.

We were there to celebrate my son’s belated birthday. (His birthday was on Father’s Day). And more importantly, we were celebrating Alex going back to tech school and obtaining several certificates in music. He recently found a job in a music store which he seems to like. Meanwhile, he is still creating music and performing with his band. Maybe, at 24, he is finally finding his place in life and figuring out who he is and what he wants to do.

We went after rescheduling the trip three times. The weather this summer has been very odd. It seemed to rain every other day. Every time it rained, it really poured. But you know what they say about the third time. It was a real charm. We had sunny but not overly warm days. The best part, because it was so close to school starting, we didn’t have long waits in lines. We had a great time.

I didn’t go on very many rides. I never had a high tolerance for intense rides, but now my tolerance is much lower as I age. Lexi never went to the outside waterparks before. Thankfully she liked the intense rides so my son didn’t have to go alone. About half the time Paul went with as well. I didn’t mind sitting and watching. It was kind of fun to just watch them.

While I was at the bottom of the slide watching for Alex and Lexi, Paul left to head to the bathroom. He came back a few minutes later with a little girl and a baby in a stroller. What?? Apparently the little girl was frightened because she couldn’t find her parents. She came up to Paul and asked for help. She left the baby in the stroller and walked around with Paul in search of her parents. I went to the stroller and looked inside. There was a sleeping boy somewhere around 18 months old. The girl told Paul she was 6.

I felt a surge of anger rise up in me. What kind of parents would leave their 6-year-old in charge of a baby so they could go on rides?? After about 10 minutes, the girl saw her parents coming off of a ride and her anxiety and fear visibly turned into relief. Paul comforted her the whole time and reassured her that her parents were coming back for her. Then he delivered the kids to their parents and we were on our way. I asked him if he said something to the parents about keeping a better eye on their kids. He said he didn’t because the parents were from a different country with a culture different from ours.

I said it shouldn’t matter. Responsible parents don’t just leave their little kids behind to go on rides. Geez, what could possibly go wrong? Two little kids left alone around water not far from the wave pool. The little girl asking a stranger, a man by himself, for help. Good thing she asked Paul. And I was afraid to leave behind my phone to go on rides. A million scenarios were going through my mind about what could’ve happened to those kids, none of them good.

I wish I could say I didn’t see the kids again, or better yet I saw the parents taking the kids on rides. But I saw them two more times at the park. The second time I was sitting at a table waiting for my clan to get off a ride. There they were at the table next to me. I went over and talked to the girl who was sitting on the table. This time the baby was awake and babbling in his stroller. The girl was no longer afraid being left behind. She spoke to me until my group got off the ride and we left.

The third time I saw the kids, they were sitting at the same table. The girl was sitting on a chair dozing off in front of the stroller. It seemed like she had been waiting for a while. I felt fearful for them. I wanted to tell off the parents. Paul asked me what I was going to do that was going to change things for the kids. Paul was right, there was nothing I could do except be a safe person for those kids. Although telling off the parents would make me feel better, it could lead to a worse situation for the kids.

I had to let it go and focus more on what I can influence and change. In that moment, life was good. We were on a mini vacation celebrating my son’s accomplishments. The weather was good. The parks were quiet. And for a moment some tiny hands reached to ours knowing we were safe people.

Birthdays galore

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I survived my 50th birthday weekend!!

And what a weekend it was too! I had a three day birthday party bash. It was more of an open house concept which worked really well. Friday night was the big night as I had my son’s band play. The weather was perfect. Saturday I hosted a 70’s costume party. Sunday I hosted a murder mystery party. In lieu of gifts, I asked for donations for two of my favorite charities. The last thing I wanted was a whole bunch of gag gifts like my husband got for his 50th.

Friends and family stopped in when they were available. By Sunday, on my actual birthday, everything was pretty low key. But it didn’t end there. The following day was Lexi’s (my son’s girlfriend) 25th birthday, so we celebrated that too. She wanted everyone to dress goth style which was a lot of fun. Although my son and husband did not want to wear manscara or guy liner. Party poopers! LOL.

But it didn’t end there.. Last weekend was Angel’s birthday. Next week is our wedding anniversary, then afterwards we will be celebrating my son and my mom’s birthday. There is a season for everything. I’ll take a time of celebration over sorrow any day.

Time flies

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Time somehow has a mystical way of slipping through the hour glass. I’ve been thinking about that concept a lot as I am spending the last few days left in my 40’s. Fifty seems old to me. The beginning of the end. The end of the beginning. I never pictured myself growing old. I have some regrets. Not so much for the things I’ve done, but for the things I didn’t do early enough.

I sacrificed my childhood and young adult years worrying about adult problems that really weren’t mine to bear. Childhood was never fun, magical, or carefree. I don’t have good memories to tide me over on the hard days. I had to think for a very long time to come up with one good memory. My good memory of childhood was playing badminton in our yard with my parents and brothers.

I didn’t feel like I had the freedom to live my own life. My mom didn’t want me to leave. She wanted me to stay close by because she needed me. I didn’t realize what I was giving up. I went to the college closest to home. I studied psychology in hopes of becoming a counselor. Then I would be able to SAVE my family from their dysfunction. I could FIX them. I was young enough to think my education would change things. Being a caregiver was what I was good at. I was the 6-year-old who was watching her younger brothers in the lake by herself after all.

I was too stupid and worthless to try other things. That’s what my dad said anyway. My mom said if I tried new things I wouldn’t be perfect and would fail. I totally lacked confidence and self-esteem. I did have other interests such as music, genetics, microbiology, library science, and probation and parole. Some of those programs weren’t offered at the local college. I didn’t even try out the choir because I wouldn’t be good enough.

Fast forward another three decades. My family of origin is just as dysfunctional as it always was. Somehow at times it still is surprising to me because I don’t know how anybody could stand to live that way.

I don’t regret the family I have now. I didn’t waste a lot of my young years in a bad marriage. I love my kids. My husband and I met because we lived in the same apartment building when I was going to college. The good things in my life happened because I stayed close to home. Or maybe it was just the choices I made.

Most young folks stay near/at home for their parents help, not to help their parents. Sometimes I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I left home sooner. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to live your own life guilt free. It’s not your job to rescue your parents. You don’t have the power to fix them. It’s hard enough to change the things you don’t like about yourself.

Time flies.

The darkest day of the year

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It’s been unseasonably warm here in Wisconsin. It looks like we will set an all time high record on Christmas day. No white Christmas for us this year. We barely had any snow fall yet. It doesn’t feel like Christmas is just a few days away.

Today on the darkest day of the year, I always think of my great-uncle Harold. He would’ve been 98 years old today. Every year on his birthday we would go to his house and celebrate with him. There would be steaks and pineapple upside down cake. Aunt Grace would serve food on the multi-colored Fiesta plates, the only day of the year they would leave the pantry. It was one of the few days we saw Harold laugh and tell stories. Most of the time, he was next door working on cars at the family business.

Harold died unexpectedly the year Paul and I got married. I remember the last time I saw him. Paul and I were visiting my family to tell them the exciting news we were going to have our first child. We were able to tell everyone except Uncle Harold. He was outside working on a car while talking to clients. We didn’t want to interrupt him so we asked Aunt Grace if she could share the news. That was the last time I saw him alive.

We never really know how much time someone has left. If I knew, maybe I would’ve waited longer to talk to Harold. I think that is where a lot of my irrational guilt kicks in. If I’d only known, I could’ve done something different. I’m starting to let go of things, but it takes time to process. I couldn’t prevent the suffering of the people I care about and that hurts.

I tried reaching out to our previous employee today. But it was too little too late. I haven’t seen her for 5 years and I thought I could do something to prevent her from struggling with addiction, from committing a crime, and even from the attempt I think she tried to make on her own life? I want to help people. I want to fix them but I can’t. It’s as if I am wanting to play God and even He does not step in to keep people from physically dying and making their own choices.

I am feeling a lot better today. I wasn’t feeling the greatest yesterday, but I decided to volunteer yesterday and I’m glad I did. For awhile I forgot about my own pain. I spent a half an hour holding the baby of a homeless teen mom. He brought me joy as I held him and made him laugh. The mom needed clothes for her kids and was on her last diaper. She is a single mom living in her car with a two-year old and a baby. We had a record number of people who came in needing help yesterday.

Yesterday we had a new woman sign up for help from Africa. She is a single parent who recently came to America. She doesn’t speak any English and has zero education. She lives in a bad neighborhood. What really struck me was that there were several women from the same community that only speak Swahili. They are all parents between the ages of 20-25, the ages of my own children. I can’t even imagine what that must be like and to have absolutely no education. There is a language barrier with a lot of families that come in. It’s my goal this new year to become fluent in at least one other language starting with Spanish because I do know a little from high school, like way back from the last century.

There was a woman who came in that got arrested last week for child abuse. Ever since my own daughter was arrested, it’s really changed my view of criminals. Offering to help someone in need does not equate with me agreeing with the choices they make. They are people too. I am not afraid of them as much anymore. But that doesn’t mean I would walk down an alley by myself at night in a bad neighborhood.

Then there was the lady who stayed at the domestic abuse house. There was the lady that didn’t know she was pregnant with twins until two months before they were born. The people who reek of alcohol, cigarettes, and weed. The mentally ill. The intellectually challenged. Those who are going back to school to try to build a better life. The grandparents raising grandchildren.

I can’t go back and change anything in the past. But I can move forward and help people today.

The places I volunteer at are really hurting for volunteers over the holidays. So I decided to sign up at the places the next two days. Tomorrow helping families in need and Saturday at the cat sanctuary. I almost enjoy holding the cats as much as I enjoy holding babies. I especially love the feral cats or the cats that don’t warm up well to other people.

Maybe I can do some good to negate some of the bad in the world.

How is it October already??!?

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I can’t believe it’s October already. It’s time to get back to writing more often again. Today ushered the end of the warm summer days. We covered our pool. It’s always such a difficult time of year knowing there will be many dark days ahead. I do love fall though. It is my second favorite season after summer.

This week the adoption papers went through for my shelter cat and right now he is sitting on my lap helping me type these words. He is such a lovey dove. I promise I will show you pictures very soon of my new pets. But right now we are trying very hard to get them used to each other without any big fights. No easy task which tries our patience.

We had some record high temps in the last couple of days. I did my best to try to get outside and enjoy them. Paul had a great birthday party last weekend. The weather was absolutely unbelievably perfect. Everything went great. We had a fire in the evening and the band played for a long time. We had a lot of good food. I did all the cleaning and cooking. But this time if people offered to help by bringing food, I let them. Even Paul’s stepdad brought a camper and parked it in our yard reminiscent of cousin Eddie in the National Lampoon’s. It’s really not a party until someone shows up with a camper.

Although, we did get some bad news. My friend Lisa tried killing herself. Her husband, who was working out of town, thought something was up and had the police check on her. By the time they got there, Lisa was unconscious and had to be airlifted to the hospital. They put her on a ventilator. This wasn’t her first attempt and I am very afraid for her. She had a very traumatic upbringing and experienced a tremendous amount of loss. She never got past the grief of the death of her daughter in a car accident.

When Lisa showed up at the party, she told me about how she was just released from the hospital. She looked terrible. I’ve never seen her so rough before. She had too much to drink. I really wish I could do something, anything, to help her. But through my own life experiences, I found there is nothing I can really do. I don’t have any control over it. I wish I did. Lisa is one of my best friends and if something happened to her I would be devastated.

Life otherwise has been busy but rather quiet. Just feeling worry about my friend…worry about the pets getting along with each other…the letdown after the big party…the end of summer…

One thing is constant and that is change. My son’s roommate moved out. Our neighbors are moving. I feel pretty neutral about it. The uncertainty comes with who is going to move in. Everything went good with them until they had a baby. Honestly, I think the guy is pretty embarrassed he yelled at my son and his friends for lighting off fireworks on the 4th. He lost his cool and I don’t think that happens often. He works for the foster care program and he was out yelling at some kids.

We finally met our other neighbors. They seem pretty chill. I told them we got two Beagles. They told us they have 10 free range chickens. What could possibly go wrong?? They also said if something happens to their chickens they wouldn’t be upset with us.

That’s about it. I don’t have big plans for the weekend besides preparing for my colonoscopy early next week. Sounds like a good time. Not!

Halfway through this hectic week

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I’m glad the week is half over and most of the stressful things are behind me. Paul and I had a nice little anniversary getaway at the Island Resort and Casino in Upper Michigan. We had a great time even though we were losers. We tried our hands at craps and played bingo for the first time. It was fun. We also got a couples massage and went to a nice restaurant for our anniversary.

There was some stress because my mom decided last minute to have her birthday party up north and everyone was texting me to plan everything while I was away. I told everyone I was not home so they would have to figure things out. It wasn’t a total shit show like I was expecting. My mom had a great time and everyone was on their best behavior although I had my guard up. The first stressful event of the week is over.

The second stressful event was taking my cat to the vet on Monday. After I got back home after being gone for awhile, my cat was refusing to eat his dry food. He is 17 years old and I thought it was the end. He was getting rechecked because he had an ear infection with a very swollen ear. I spoke to the vet about my concerns and he decided to recheck his thyroid. His ear infection is gone but his thyroid is out of control. I’m giving him more medication and he seems to be doing better. Crisis averted for now.

Later Monday evening we went to a fundraiser at the local zoo with some new friends and it was a lot of fun. I think this new friendship has a lot of potential as we really seem to get along well. It’s a new connection I made through volunteering. We’ll see what happens.

The third stressor of the week was Arabella’s court date on Tuesday. I should write a what to expect when your child is in jail book. Every single time she appears in front of the judge is incredibly stressful. Nothing was done over the past two months. We are still waiting to see if she will be accepted into mental health treatment court. It looks very promising, but the decision has not been made yet. The next court date has been pushed back until October. However, we got word from the attorney they may make the decision yet this week and she might come back home as early as next week. I’m not sure what that is going to look like but I think I am ready now.

On Tuesday night, Alex, Lexi, and I went to a free pipe organ concert. It was amazing. The pipe organ is by far my favorite instrument. I always joke that I want to add a pipe organ room to my house some day. I totally have my funeral planned out. I would love to have a funeral service in a church with a pipe organ. My daughter Angel can sing and my son can play the saxophone. Too bad I will have to miss it.

The fourth stressor of the week is hosting Bunco tomorrow. That was kind of unpredictable too just like the rest of the stressors because we weren’t sure if we would have enough people to play. Having a party is stressful in and of itself especially since I don’t know a lot of the people coming all that well. I feel like I have to impress them by having a clean house. I can be kind of a clean freak. Today I did 4 hours of weeding and it barely made a dent. I think I need a new sign like the one I saw at the zoo. It says ‘pardon the weeds we are feeding the bees’. Perfect. I’d never have to weed again. To think I thought it was so lovely when we bought the house.

That’s about it around here. I officially made it through the first half of a hectic week.

It’s been awhile

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I know it’s been awhile. I’m going to try to get on here at least once a week for now until life settles down a bit. I’ve been doing pretty well considering how chaotic my life tends to be. I no longer wake up every morning with this feeling of overwhelming dread. I actually sleep fairly well at night too. I even dream and most of those dreams are not nightmares. Maybe being medicated isn’t all that bad.

Things have been going well since we last talked. We celebrated Angel’s 25th birthday by going sailing and anchoring out to swim during the day and having a party at our house at night. It was relatively drama free which is a plus. I have been busy helping Paul with work and then we took some friends out for the weekend on the sailboat. Today was my first full day at home in over a week and then tomorrow we are heading out to a resort a couple days for our 26th wedding anniversary. So far it’s been a good week. Tonight I am going with Angel, Lexi, and Alex to watch the Barbie movie. My son’s girlfriend is obsessed with Barbie so he wants to go along too.

The only bad thing that happened was that Paul had an accident on the sailboat when I wasn’t with him. He threw a spinnaker out in front of his sails and a storm popped up out of nowhere. Everything was whipping around in the wind and Paul ran out to grab the spinnaker line without his gloves on. He ended up getting 2nd degree rope burns on his hands. Then one of the lines went into the water and got wrapped in the prop causing the engine to stop. His hands had to be wrapped up like a mummy for awhile but they are healing nicely now. Thankfully everything ended up working out okay in the end.

Other than that, everything has been going well. Who knows, next week might be a different story. In fact, it will probably be. My mom’s 75th birthday is this weekend. She wanted me to throw her a party but couldn’t decide what she wanted to do until a week before her birthday which really doesn’t give me any time to plan things especially since I will not be home. Not a lot of people can go last minute. There is usually a lot of drama with the extended family.

My dad was back to urgent care this past week. He has another bladder infection and then he fell a couple days later. My parents insist on staying in their house and that they don’t need any help. It’s been stressful but at this point they still are competent so I am just waiting for something to happen. My mom has been rather harsh with my dad and my dad because of his own behavior has been ostracized from most of his family which adds another layer of complication to the situation. My parents are also the guardians of my brother Matt. I think everything is going to fall on my shoulders because my other brothers live far away.

Arabella goes back to court again next week. I’m not sure if she will be coming home or not. She has been in jail for 4 months now. Then several months ago I signed up to host Bunco next week. That’s bad timing because Arabella may or may not be going to court that day and in the evening I will be having 16 people over at my house. But my attitude throughout everything is that life goes on as normal, or as much normal as I can muster anyway.

I have come to the point of acceptance towards a lot of difficult situations in my life. Not that I agree with the poor decisions of others but more in the way of it is what it is. The best I can do is to be mindful of that and prepare myself for what is yet to come. I’ve survived a lot of difficult circumstances so right now I’m feeling confident I can handle whatever life throws at me.

More birthday festivities…

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My son’s girlfriend Lexi’s birthday is the day after mine. What she wanted to do more than anything was to go out dancing. She also wanted to go to the martini bar we visited earlier in the week. Because of shootings in the neighborhood, the martini bar now closes early on the weekends at midnight. That really wasn’t a problem because after midnight I tend to turn into a pumpkin.

Before we went out dancing or to the martini bar, Lexi wanted to go out for pizza. At the restaurant, someone told the waiter it was her birthday. The server mumbled happy birthday and was on his way. Gone are the days of free drinks, meals, or desserts for those celebrating a birthday although the celebrant tends to bring all their close friends and family out. I remember times when the whole server staff would come out and sing happy birthday. Some would even add the little cha cha cha’s and really get into it. They would come out with a cake with a little candle on it. Everyone would clap. I haven’t noticed much of that spirit after COVID though. Now they have the attitude of….so, what?

After pizza we went to the martini bar. We were having a lot of fun and things were going good. Then around 10:30 we made our way over to the dance club. It felt creepy because we had to walk through an alleyway to get inside. When we got in a security guy wearing a bulletproof vest took a copy of our driver’s license and took our picture. Still feeling a little creeped out. The whole place had this dirty and dingy vibe going on for me.

When we got inside we were approached right away by a guy who was pretty messed up asking me to buy him a drink. He was in my face. Then Lexi got in his face and told him to back off. He wouldn’t leave us alone. Then my son got involved. The guy told my son he was going to kill him multiple times. Then he started to take off his shirt telling Lexi and I to look at his muscles. Meanwhile, the rest of our group was far enough away they didn’t hear much of what the guy was saying.

A woman came up looking for the man who was still acting erratically. Then he started touching me, running his hand down the side of my body. I don’t think my son saw that because he probably would’ve punched the guy after watching him harass his girlfriend on her birthday and his mom. This is where I got in the middle of my son and this guy. I wanted to be the protector. I told the lady to take the guy home but she was almost as messed up as he was. I really didn’t want a big bar brawl. So we ended up leaving before we even got to dance. On the way out, my son told the bouncer about the guy who was harassing us.

My kids told me the guy was really messed up, not only drunk but probably on meth because he was twitching. I’ve never seen someone on hard drugs like that right in front of my face. But I know what it is like to live with someone that is violent and erratic. It’s like my PTSD kicked in and I responded to the man just as if he was my brother when he would get violent. I wanted to protect others. I ended up apologizing to my son later. He handled the situation well, I did not. I could’ve really gotten hurt if the guy attacked me. Who knows what would’ve happened if we would’ve stayed. The guy was out of his mind, aggressive, and unpredictable.

Once we left the dance club, we tried to get out of there as quick as we could before the guy saw us after he got kicked out. Sure enough, the guy got kicked out but he walked by us without even recognizing us and that we were part of him getting kicked out. Then he walked into the martini bar and my son also went back in to warn the bouncer of what previously happened. It was a crazy night out. People were so messed up, running out in front of cars when the light was green. Paranoid. On hard drugs. Is this what the world is like now?

I miss the days when a group could just go out and have fun celebrating a birthday. I like it when the restaurant you go to makes you feel special on your birthday. A time where you didn’t have to worry much about violence or strange guys touching you inappropriately.

Although, I am happy that my son’s girlfriend included us in her birthday plans.

Birthday and court date

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Last week I left off with my daughter getting ready to go to court and not being sure if she was going to be coming back home. The next day we went to court and we are still waiting…waiting to see if she will get into mental health treatment court. It looks good, but the process is taking a lot longer than I ever imagined. I feel like I offered Arabella false hope because the lawyer seemed pretty certain everything would be wrapped up by this court date and it wasn’t. Her next court date is in August but now I won’t mention anything about her coming home then because I was sure she was coming home this time.

It was a hard day riding the roller coaster of uncertainty and there is not much I hate more. Not to mention seeing my daughter be led out in an orange jail jumpsuit in handcuffs. If she wasn’t being released, Paul had plans for the rest of the day. He was getting lunch with the pastor who he usually meets up with once a month to talk about a book they are reading together and life in general. Then later that evening he was meeting up with his buddies for the weekly sailing race and wings at a local bar afterwards.

I didn’t want to sit at home alone and wallow, so I decided to go out and asked Alex and Lexi to go with me. A friend of my son’s dropped us off at a martini bar for a few drinks. Then we walked to a nearby brewery for supper. They ended up having a jazz band playing outside which was really enjoyable.

Thursday night my son had a gig at a bar near our cabin up north. So I decided to spend a couple days up north at the cabin for my birthday. My Aunt Jan has a cabin nearby so we got a group together to see my son play. It was an enjoyable evening. While we were out, we saw a guy that looked like our friend Jerry. He even had the same mannerisms. I asked other family members who the guy looked like and they also said Jerry. Now Jerry’s brother also has a cabin nearby and although I never met him I thought it was a good chance it could be him.

Paul sent a picture of the guy to Jerry who said no way that guy owes me money. I told him tonight we will be collecting. I just had to have enough liquid courage to go up and talk to Jerry’s brother. Later in the evening Lexi and I approached him. It turns out that Jerry was pulling our leg and the guy was not his brother. I said, “No way!!” The guy said he was from Texas and I did notice he had a bit of a southern drawl. To prove he wasn’t Jerry’s brother, he pulled out his Texas driver’s license. I showed him and his family photos of Jerry and they agreed they looked exactly alike.

Now my husband saw me talking to this lookalike for awhile and assumed he was Jerry’s brother. What I didn’t tell you before was that Jerry’s last name sounds a bit like a racial slur. We all are in agreement if that was our last name we would change it. Anyway, my husband came up and yelled really loudly hey Jerry’s last name that sounds like a racial slur. How awkward! It surely made for an interesting evening.

The following day was my birthday. I wanted to check out a nearby casino in the morning. Just to let you know, birthday is not synonymous with the word lucky. It was fun anyway. Then we ate lunch at a restaurant I really like for special occasions. I ordered king crab legs with a martini. Then we took a gravel one lane road back to the cabin. Halfway back we stopped at a bridge and I took out my magnet fishing kit. I pulled up a couple spikes that were probably part of the bridge. I still didn’t find anything interesting. No antique typewriter, not even a murder weapon.

When we got back, my son took me out for ice cream. I also rode the moped around in our yard. I turned around the corner and didn’t want to hit something so I pressed the brakes hard and flew off. I smashed one of the mirrors in the process. Seven more years of bad luck? Sheesh. Apparently I wasn’t supposed to hit the brakes hard while the wheel was turned. Lesson learned. Thankfully I didn’t get hurt.

We spent the rest of the afternoon out on the water. Angel, Dan, and Lexi joined us later after work to grill out. I tried to talk my mom into going out and doing stuff with us, but instead she went home to pick up Matt which took most of the day. When she was around, she was anxious and crabby which I found annoying. We had a campfire going in the evening, but then a storm blew in so we went inside. My mom yelled at us to be quiet because Matt was trying to sleep. It was only around 9:30 on a Friday night. But all in all it was a pretty good day.

On Sunday, I had some friends over for a murder mystery party. No one guessed who the murderer was this time. Overall, it was a good and interesting birthday weekend.

Just a few more fireworks

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Tomorrow Arabella goes to court. I thought maybe she would be getting out of jail tomorrow, but now it’s doubtful. Again, I am anxious about her being in jail and about her coming home. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. On one hand I really miss her and on the other hand she is more volatile than a mid-July storm. I want the quiet boring life, but I’m afraid it is much too late for that.

We went up north for the fourth. Alex brought up a couple of friends the first night and the second night they wanted to stay again but we had family time in mind and there was some conflict about that. We came home for the 3rd and quickly cleaned to have people over for live music at night. It was all very last minute but we had a great time. By the time the actual 4th rolled around I was exhausted. My insomnia kicked in big time and physically I felt miserable. I’m too old for a 5 day holiday weekend.

At the last minute, my son had some friends over to light off some fireworks on the 4th. I told them it was okay but they had to shut everything down by 10. They started at 9:15 and at 9:30 the next door neighbor came out and started yelling and swearing at them. He said his baby couldn’t sleep and they had to work the next morning. Then Paul got upset and kicked everyone out. There was a lot of conflict between our son, ourselves, and our neighbor. Everyone apologized and it gave us a good opportunity to work things out, but it was stressful.

We are having problems with our 17 year old cat. It is getting close to the time where I need to think about putting him down. It’s a hard decision to make. My parents aren’t doing well either. My dad is still in and out of the ER after his surgery and can’t take care of himself all that well. My mom is starting to get dementia. To be honest, she was showing signs for over a year now. But I really didn’t want to accept it. Maybe she was just stressed out or tired. Then this past weekend, she told my niece she forgot how to use the oven and asked her for help so she could make French fries. So my parents are stumbling along with my dad being the mind and my mom being the one who can still get around. Very soon there will be some more hard decisions to make.

Meanwhile, Paul had an emergency at work that was very stressful but turned out okay. At times, we are completely overwhelmed. The doctor increased my anti-depressant and insomnia medication. The last several days I’ve been sleeping better which has really helped.

It’s my birthday this week, the big 49, my last year in my 40’s. We just found out that a friend of ours was in the ER the same time I was. Except she got bad news. Stage 4 lung cancer that went into her brain. She is my age. She just got her PhD a few years back and was starting to live the life she wanted and now this. Life sure is fleeting. I feel bad because although I am going to be okay, I haven’t really been enjoying life much lately. Sometimes I just muddle through and that’s not living life to its fullest. But for now I guess it’s good enough.