Change

Pop the champagne

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We sold our start up company today.

It wasn’t something that we were planning on doing. Not yet anyway.

We were approached by a huge private equity company and we turned them down…several times actually…until they gave us an offer that we couldn’t refuse.

We will be staying on for the next couple of years as employees. It will be a big change. Yet nothing will change at all. We will still go to work and do what we have always done.

Someday when we are able to walk away, I will tell you all about it. But not now. Although I think that you would find it rather interesting.

Today I feel like I won the lottery. Although luck had nothing to do with it. It seems surreal. I don’t think it really has sunk in yet.  How do we live this way?

The last several months have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. We weren’t expecting that. Surprisingly, a lot of the emotions were negative. We didn’t talk about it to anyone since we didn’t expect to receive much sympathy. Change is stressful, even if it is for the better.

There were arguments about money of all things.

There was fear…fear of failure. What if we fail now after we have succeeded? Will we be able to keep up our sales? Will we be able to impress our new employer? Will we mess it all up? Will we have to start at the bottom again scraping and scrapping to get by? Will we become spoiled and soft? Will we lose our grit from struggling for so long?

It has been a big shock.

Will our friends still like us if we have more money than they do? Will we attract new fake friends? Will we change? Regardless, it has now become a part of our journey. If we could do it, anyone can. All you have to do is take the first step…then run as hard and as fast as you can.

Today we are putting in an offer on our dream house.

We noticed lately how poor we have been living. A majority of our furniture is falling apart. Most of it came from long deceased relatives. We bought our kitchen table at a rummage sale and it looks like it. We never had a new table for our family to sit around. Most of our towels are torn around the edges.

We feel like the Beverly Hillbillies.

It is time to get rid of the old and start all over again.

We have worked so hard to get to where we are today. We earned it.

I never would have guessed all the sacrifices that we made would pay off.

It’s time to pop the champagne!

 

A smashing idea…

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Lately my technology has been going out more than I have.

This month has been a total technology fail for me. Here is the list of things that went out this month alone:

  • My computer at work
  • My printer
  • My monitor
  • My cell phone

Last month my daughter convinced me to upgrade my iPhone 5 at a Black Friday sale. I was hesitant. I hate updates and upgrades. It makes me feel like an idiot. Just when things work perfectly fine, there is another update that I have to spend 3 hours learning. I had the phone over 3 years and just figured out how to use it. Not to mention that it has been almost impossible getting another phone case for my running belt…Knowing my luck, the phone would probably fall out when I am running breaking my new phone and my leg in the process using the old case.

But my phone was starting to glitch out on me. Sometime it would freeze. The worst thing was that I no longer received my WP notifications…Blogging just wasn’t the same without the WP ping. It made me feel like I was writing on paper with a sore inky south paw hand.

On Black Friday, I upgraded to an iPhone 7. I didn’t spend the extra money on the insurance plan for myself, but did for my kids. Seriously, like adults need to worry about cracked screens or smashed phones??

Last week I smashed my new phone.

I was in a hurry like I always am…running late. I grabbed my phone as I ran out the door. My husband was waiting for me in the truck. As I lifted my leg to get into the truck, my phone must have slipped out of my jacket pocket. Once we got to our destination, I couldn’t find my phone. I thought I must have forgotten it at home. It was kind of like a ‘did I turn off the oven’ back burner thought to me. I thought I took it with but second guessed my memory in the rush to get out the door.

I couldn’t find my phone when I got home. Finally my husband found it frozen in the driveway. It looked fine on the outside. I wrapped it in my arms to warm up. But it was too late. It was dead. I took it in to get fixed. Once they opened it up, it was smashed inside.

I had to buy another phone. I also got a new computer, printer, and monitor at work. Now I even have two monitors so I can read your posts when I am sitting half the day on hold at work. I won’t even mention the internet, software, or phone problems at work…just this month. It’s insane!

I spent so much time this month irritated by technology. I even had the opportunity to hear our IT guy swear for hours on end as I sat helplessly watching. What a waste of time!

I want to take all of these items that failed me into a dark room with a baseball bat. I want to bash the monitor…crack my cell phone…smash the computer to bits…and pummel my printer to paper pulp. I might need a padded room. Not for myself! I don’t want to chip the walls.

I can almost hear the glass shatter in my mind. I love the sound of it.

It is so hard to be gentle towards our fragile devices that cause so much rage.

I’ve always had the fantasy of smashing computers…almost like having the car seat burning party I talked about but never had once I was done with all of that.

It sounds like a smashing idea, doesn’t it??

What to expect when you’re not expecting…

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This weekend didn’t go the way I expected it would.

Arabella came home from school early on Friday sick. She had a fever all weekend and has one still. I ended up calling the doctor’s office Saturday night. By the time her Tylenol wore off in the evening, her temp was at 104.1. An hour after I gave her medicine, her temp was still rising and peaked at 104.5. The nurse said she probably has the flu. Thankfully, Paul and I got flu shots for our trip over a week ago. I am hoping that being coughed on, and taking care of a sick child in general, will have no effect on me.

The nurse told me that I should give Arabella a lukewarm bath. I prepared a bath for her and let her get in the tub herself. A 14 year old is too old to be bathed. I felt frustrated when I felt the water after she got out. The water that I added was too cold for her so she added hot water. Eventually her temperature decreased despite being in hot water. I finally felt like I could go to bed without worrying too much, but still got up during the night to check on her..

I am not surprised that Arabella got sick. She gets sick literally every time that she is planning on going somewhere, Paul and I are going away, or if we take a family vacation. This time she was planning on spending the weekend away on a church youth group trip.

My plans really didn’t change much because she was sick. I still blew off that party I wasn’t planning on going to. I finished my fall cleaning. I spent around 6 hours creating the perfect 2018 calendar of all my favorite photos and memories of 2017.

But that is not all that happened this past weekend. I noticed that Alex was acting a little strange. His patterns were off. I asked what his plans were with Baylee for Thanksgiving. He told me that they broke up. What??!??!? They were dating for almost a year and a half. They just went on the same college campus tour last week. I may have mentioned the word marriage last week. I even gave Baylee a fake name on my blog. We really liked her.

Alex seems to be doing well. So this holiday season, both Alex and Angel are single. It will make things a lot easier as far as holiday parties go. Last year they left our Thanksgiving party early to go to the family of their significant others. I could almost understand how the family of divorce feels. My kids shared how much fun they were having with the other family when I just wanted them to be home with me.

Then some other strange things happened. I found a permission slip on the table to join the math club. I automatically asked Arabella about her interest. She said that it wasn’t hers. What?? We both agreed that the Alex couldn’t be joining the math club. Could he??

Alex used to be the grade school math whiz. I had to ask his teachers for more challenging material. Then middle school hit and he barely passed math. The early high school years weren’t much better. My son fell into a rough crowd that was headed down a dark road until he met Baylee. Then he turned his life around, not without a few mistakes. His grades didn’t improve until this school year. Right now he has a B+ average up from a D average. He joined the chess club and now he is joining the math club. Wow! What??

Maybe he is finally growing up!

Then this past week I received a postcard in the mail from Arabella’s biology teacher. It read: Arabela *name misspelled* is putting little effort into biology class. With a bit more effort, she could be doing much, much better. Time management, writing down deadlines and studying outside of class will make all the difference in this class.

I felt rather irritated by the teacher’s form of communication. Seriously, a postcard?? Anyone could read that….her brother…For crying out loud, the postal carrier. Arabella is typically a high achiever. The postcard announced to everyone in bright colors that she was a slacker. How humiliating. She just told us a few days before that this teacher doesn’t like her. Should we be concerned? I wasn’t expecting this about her. She is getting a B in the class…so it must be frivolous??..Right?!??

Change is inevitable….what was I expecting??

 

Out running

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Change is inevitable. It happens each season. This week a cold wind came into Wisconsin and blew the warm falls days and sunshine away. Sadly, I started going to the gym and running on the dreadmill again. I really can’t complain. It has been a warm fall with hotter temperatures than this summer.

Usually we get our first few flurries by this time of year. It makes me remember my grandma. For the first little snowfall she would write the word flurries or put a F on her empty calendar like it was a huge event. I have a F on my calendar too. It reminds me when I need to give my pets their flea medicine. Seriously, what did you think it stands for??

The last time I ran outdoors, I took a few photos to show you how beautiful my running route is. It was probably a good time for a change anyway. People were getting to know my routine which can be a little disconcerting. It was always the same cars that almost hit me. People were starting to actually honk when I wore my ‘honk if you’re going to hit me’ shirt.

I had a great season with huge goals…My first 18 mile trail run weekend, my first Olympic triathlon, and my first Half Ironman. Plus I ran another marathon. I am thinking of cutting back though. I’m not going to decide for sure until January.

Three out of four races, I had to travel far enough from home to need a hotel room. Plus adding in all of the gear and race fees, it can be a pricey hobby. I will probably still race, but will cut back on the amount of races and the longer distances. I also might want to try other things like doing a Tough Mudder. Plus next summer, the local theater is planning on doing the show Cabaret which is heavy on dancing.

Running has a special place in my heart. I spoke to my trainer at the gym this week. I told him that my races went well but I was thinking of cutting back. I told him that I want to run for the long run. Running gives me time to process my life in a healthy way. I don’t want to over train, hate it, or get hurt. I want to enjoy this hobby as long as possible. Plus I want to do other things I enjoy like dancing, cross country skiing, or kickboxing without being locked in an always training box.

I just love to run. Who knows? I might be able to get outside a few more times this year before it snows. Wisconsin is a very beautiful place to run.

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The sign

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A couple of weeks back the doubting Thomas in me asked for a sign…and God delivered..

The story really starts a few days after my doubting post. Paul flew out of a small town airport after visiting with our daughter Angel. He had two connecting flights from there to get to his destination. Each layover was an hour long. He almost missed his second flight. The third flight was considerably delayed due to bad weather from a hurricane.

Paul was in much thought and prayer about this trip. He was going to a business meeting that would require making a decision that he was unsure about…one that could have a big impact on our future. After the third flight was delayed, Paul sat down at the airport bar and struck a conversation with the man sitting next to him. The man started talking about recently being faced with the same decision that Paul was contemplating. Unbeknownst to the stranger, he was an answer to prayer.

Paul did not think that the meeting with the stranger in the airport was a coincidence. He decided to take the fork in the road. I really can’t go into the details at this point…but I can say that having an answer has been freeing…a burden lifted.

The following day, I spoke with my mom on the phone. She told me that my brother Luke wanted to step up as the future guardian of my brother Matt. I instantly felt free. A lifetime of being my brother’s keeper…gone. The chains of being my brother’s lifelong caregiver…broken. The weight of a heavy burden…lifted.

I only have 3 1/2 years of parenting left. Then I only have to be responsible for me.

I feel like a caged bird that has been set free. It’s not that I will leave my cage, but that I can. I will no longer be trapped. For the first time I feel like I can fly unfettered. I never thought that this would be possible.

I kept thinking over the past few weeks that if God can take care of the birds, why can’t He take care of me??

Maybe I am asking too much, but please give me a sign…I’m worried that I have to do this whole life thing alone..

In church on Sunday, a duet sang His Eye is on the Sparrow…The lyrics of the hymn echoed through my mind…I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free, His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me..

But I still didn’t get the message until I turned to the last few pages of the bulletin. There was a picture of a bird with a message that said something like…listen and you will hear God speaking..

Matthew 6:26-27 If I just remember this, I feel better.

I finally saw the sign…God does care about me. I might not know where He is leading, but I know that I won’t be traveling alone.

 

 

Winds of change..

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IMG_1988It has been very windy around here the past couple of days. It hasn’t been the kind and gentle whistling wind that reminds me of my grandparents…the wind that whistled through the back window of my grandpa’s pick up truck.

No, it has been the harsh destructive kind of wind. It’s the kind that bends us without breaking us.

As many of you know, this past month hasn’t been the easiest one for us. A month has come and gone since the passing of my MIL from cancer. Over this month, several others have gently slipped away…parents of acquaintances…someone I knew my whole life but wasn’t close to…gone….swept away by the winds of time…loved ones mourned..

The wind blew away the dead leaves..yet left behind the empty nests..

Sickness swept through the house…even the pets had fleas…sometimes I want to burn the house down and start over…cleansing fires…(If the dryer starts my house on fire, I never mentioned this)…

Junk, plastic bags, dirt covered receipts, a mysterious sock, and things unwanted blew away when the whirls of wind billowed by.

My mom called a few days ago. My dad has gout (probably from his birthday dinner) and can’t get around. He missed a doctor’s appointment..

Bows and party streamers wrap around the empty branches. When did we have fun last?

My autistic brother Matt has been removed from all of his medications..after long term use, his liver is showing signs of strain…his numbers are reaching toxic levels…The first few days were rough. He slept only 4 hours the first three days…All of the symptoms the medications were controlling came back…his anxiety…his insomnia…his Tourette’s…the tics….the gagging…throwing up..

Sometimes the wind is so cold that it seems to blow right into my very soul. I have to bundle up to stay warm. I don’t let people see the layers beneath..

All of his symptoms are taking me back to the late 90’s…he was very ill then…he also has GERD, like me…Tourette’s caused gagging…extreme weight loss…vomiting meals, at the table or all over the bathroom floor…or somewhere on the way…usually only in the morning…until his valve closed between his stomach and intestines…then he kept no food down…plus having Celiac…not absorbing nutrients…his body starving…emaciated…yet he had no understanding of what was happening to him..but we did..

Sometimes the winters can be so lonely, dark, and cold. Why can’t it be a breeze? How did we ever make it through?

Yet, while this was happening to his body physically, his mind was attacking his body as well….he heard voices…he became agitated and randomly attacked people…he was violently autistic…the main people he attacked were family members….my mom…myself…as he was kept out of public as much as possible…for awhile, he wasn’t allowed in the public school because of his violence..

Why is it that the season before spring is so desolate and devoid of the hope of the warmth to come??

My wedding day in 1997…I told my mother I didn’t want my brother there…It was hard…Mother, I would be crushed if Matt attacked a wedding guest…It would ruin MY special day…I felt horrible about it…We took time away on our wedding day to have photos taken with Matt in a hotel room…Matt was so sick, my mom thought he would die…I said he couldn’t go to my wedding…Matt didn’t go to my brother Luke’s wedding either in 2002…he stayed in a hotel room…I asked a friend to be his caregiver so my parents could attend the wedding…when my brother Mark got married a little over a year ago, Matt attended and was fine…Now will this medicated stability go away??

I saw a decaying leaf fly away in the wind. Are all leaves different like snowflakes, I wonder…

Last weekend my mom told me that I need to write the story of Matt. I almost told her about this and all of the kind folks here, but didn’t. I couldn’t be honest anymore. I would have to protect her. Maybe I will drag out another diary soon…It’s been awhile..

Sometimes the wind is cleansing. It dries up our collective tears that puddle on the ground from the winter thaw. It removes the death and decay from the cold barren soil preparing it for new life.

Even though I can’t see it right now, I have hope that life will be better for us.

The winds are blowing the last few harsh remnants of winter away. Soon it will be spring..

 

 

Election Reflections

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I tried to stay up last night to see how everything shook out. I think I made it until midnight right after the commentator said that what we will witness tonight will be something we will tell our grandchildren about. No such luck, future grandchildren, I fell asleep after seeing our state of Wisconsin turn red. This is the first time this has happened in my state since I was a little girl.

My 18 year old daughter went to vote the first time this year. I want to tell her that it is not always this exciting. This is the most exciting election that I have ever seen. I have never been more interested in what the state of Pennsylvania thought before..

I can’t remember the first time that I voted. It probably wasn’t right after I turned 18 like my daughter did. The first time I remember voting was when I was 22. It was the Clinton versus Dole election year.

I remember 1996 like it was yesterday. It was right around the time that the 80’s hair styles were settling down. The cars were small and boxy, not curved like they are today. Growing up with a family that ran a small town automotive business, I could almost identify every make, model, and year of the cars on the road back in those days. It was expected.

Many of the cars sported the bumper sticker ‘Dole for Pineapple’. Shortly after, the Packers won the Super Bowl and most of those cars sported the ugly Packer flags that would extend from both back windows to flap in the frosty air. Those were the days with the Packers flags and Dole for Pineapple bumper stickers! Our state hasn’t been a red state since way before that time..

I remember voting on a paper ballot. Do you? I remember taking my paper ballot to a musty smelling booth covered by a sheet that wasn’t see through. Then years after that we had a ballot that we had to connect the lines with what seemed to be invisible ink. We waited a long time in silence so intense that you could hear a pin drop. No cell phones accidentally rang.

The first time I was introduced to voting was with Aunt Grace. I asked her who she was voting for after she took me along with her to vote. She said, “Alissa, we do not talk about religion or politics. But we own a business and we are Republican.”

Many years later, a Presidential candidate visited our small town rural church on my confirmation day. I wanted to put his sign in our yard because he came all that way to see me. But he was a Democrat. A friend of my brother also had a mother running in local politics, but we didn’t leave her sign in the yard either since she was a Democrat. It probably didn’t help that she let her kids run wild and they always came asking for food.

It is my own personal opinion that a lot of people headed out to vote for Trump not necessarily because they liked him, but because of their dislike for Hillary. Or maybe it was from all of the people posting about their Obamacare premiums doubling or tripling in price. Who knows?? Predictions don’t always translate to predictable outcomes. It was a pretty close race.

Ever since I have been alive, the country’s pendulum swings from one side to the other every few years. It doesn’t seem all that shocking to me. Although, apparently it is for some people, since I heard that the Canadian immigration site was down.

The funniest thing I heard on Facebook was from an African friend of mine. He said that his uncle came over to America and now he might get deported. They all were pretty happy about it since he hasn’t called or wrote home in awhile. Hhmmm, okay..

I am glad that the election is finally over…

Regardless of what the next chapter brings… I am going to trust God and try my best to do my part in making America great..

 

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

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Day 22: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

This is a really difficult question for me right now… I see myself approaching a major fork in the road.. I don’t know where it will take me or what I will decide because there are too many unknowns right now..

I have been thinking more and more about going back to school to get my Master’s degree and then writing. I may have the opportunity to make this dream come true. If things don’t work out, I will simply keep on doing what I am doing….Nothing changes.

In 5 years…. I will be sending my last child off to college. I will have my Master’s degree and have finished my first book about growing up with an autistic sibling. I am almost done with my second book which I will write about my husband. It will be an American success story about a boy growing up in poverty, working hard, and succeeding in business. I also will complete my first Half Iron in this time frame. 

In 10 years….. I will be traveling the world with my husband taking pictures and writing about our adventures. I will be very active on my trips from all the endurance I gained from years of exercise. We will be free from anything that ties us down….Work…Debt….Pets…Our kids will be out of college and settling into their own lives. 

In 15 years…. My years of adventure and excitement are behind me now. I will be ready to settle down with a house full of cats. I will spend a lot of time in a rocking chair telling my grandchildren the story of my adventures. 

It is hard to guess what I will be doing next month, but I can see this being a plausible way of spending my next 15 years…

21. If I could have one superpower…

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Day 21: If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

The superpower of my choice would be having the ability to control minds…Bah ha ha ha…spoken like a true introverted control freak that would love to be bossy and domineering but just nags a little instead…Hhmmm..

The first thing that I would do is force my son to wear his retainer…then after that little bit of power, I would force my kids to clean their rooms and keep them clean…after that power goes to my head, I will force them to get along and never fight…

The best thing is that I would force them to think that they thought of it themselves. It wouldn’t be like they are fighting my suggestions in their heads like they usually do…This could be sooooo perfect!

If I had mind control powers, I wouldn’t use it to force people to give me money, material goods, or even love…I wouldn’t use it to make people think I won a marathon or anything…although that would be kind of nice…I’d much rather earn it..

I would my power to create harmony, cleanliness, and order…

But if I had that kind of power, why stop there??!?

I could use it to promote world peace. Imagine living in a world where everyone got along… no more terrorism, violence, and hatred…instead there would be peace, love, and unity…

Somewhere in my head a Beatles song is playing…

Wow, okay, even I wasn’t expecting that…

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to solve the world’s biggest problems? To feel like you have the power to change the world globally…To feel like you have control over making the world a better place…

That would be great, but I would be willing to settle for just having my son wear his retainer every once in awhile…

19. If I could live anywhere…

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Day 19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

It is that time of year again…the time of year when the old year is coming to an end like the falling of the leaves….and a new year with new opportunities is almost upon us..

It is at this time of year that I reflect…. What do I truly want?

If I could pick any place in the world that I wanted to live, it would be Tahiti. I have images in my mind of forever lounging in the sunshine on a sandy beach.

But, would that be what I truly want??

I have never lived in a warm climate. We get a total of 2 months out of the year that lounging in the sunshine on the beach is really possible. If we are really lucky, we get 3 months of warmth and beach weather.

Would I miss the change of the seasons? Would I get bored spending every single sunny day on the beach? Would I take it for granted?

Summer is my favorite season.

Would I miss cuddling in a warm blanket on a cool fall evening? Would I miss breathing in the crisp cool refreshing autumn air? Would I miss the beauty of the leaves changing color?

Would I miss waking on Christmas morning to fresh fallen snow? Would I miss the excitement of the first big snowfall? Would I miss seeing icicles glisten like crystals on barren trees?  There is something special about the roaring wind that whistles through the cracks in our very foundation that ushers in the winter snow….The appreciation of warmth inside when the house cracks from temperatures of 30 below.

Spring is my least favorite season..Every time there is a glimmer of hope, it seems like we are dragged back into the dark, desolate winter again. But would I miss the expectation of the arrival of summer if it is always summer? Would I get sick of something that I love because I have too much of it? Would it still be as special??

Although I would like to say that I want to live in forever summer, I don’t think that I really want to live anywhere but here…

Would I be happy away from friends and family to live in sunshine and warmth? Maybe for a few months out of the year, but not forever…

Maybe, just maybe, in the darkest loneliest days of winter I will pack my bags and live for a short time in forever summer…That sounds perfect to me!