Fear

Heading to Orlando

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I printed off our boarding passes this afternoon….we are headed to Orlando. The best part is that we will be meeting up with some good friends for a few days at Disney before the business part of the trip.

I got the feeling that we might be traveling on Sunday despite the hurricane. My daughter Arabella said that she was starting to feel sick. She is the kid that has gotten strep the last couple of times we left home without her.

That was a good(?) sign we were heading out of town.

Arabella had me take her temperature this morning. It was normal. She is a little congested, but that is all. I did feel really frustrated with her at first.

But instead of being angry, I decided to talk to her about…gasp…feelings.. She admitted to feeling afraid when I leave. It is touching that she feels that way in high school, but I am starting to worry about college. Will she be the kid that ends up living in my basement?? I was betting on the music majors…hmm…maybe I got this all wrong..

She is worried that I will die. Too tell you the truth, I worry about that every time I step on an airplane. So of course I had to book my first trip out of the continent to Asia. Nothing like a 22 hour flight to conquer my fear of flying!

Thank God for the little white pills that keep me from having a 3 hour long panic attack on a plane.

(Oh my gosh, I’m going to be flying 22 hours soon!!!!).

As for today, I am excited to go to Florida. Maybe I will have a few pictures to share when I get back…

Outrunning my fear of biking..

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This past weekend I participated in a 20 mile bike ride to help raise money for our church. I was the only person that signed up for 20 miles this year.

The lady that rode with me last year ended up having knee surgery, lost her mother, and had her husband leave her for another woman all in the last couple of months. It really wasn’t a good year for her so I can’t really complain about a little fear of biking.

I realize that I haven’t spoken about running or racing at all since I competed in the Half Iron a couple of months back. Completing the Half Ironman was one of the biggest accomplishments in my life. I wish I could capture that feeling and put it in a bottle. Its scent is more enchanting than the world’s sweetest perfume.

After the Half Iron, I took 3 weeks off from exercising. I typically take 1 week off after a large race to re-cooperate. Then we went for our week 20th anniversary sailing trip, so we were on vacation..Between these two events, it was one of the best summers ever!

Anyway, that first run was difficult. It always is. I don’t get too hard on myself if I need to walk a little that first time out after a grueling race.

However, I noticed now that I feel very anxious on my bike. I feel kind of embarrassed about it. I think part of it is feeling a lack of control over the clip on shoes. My right foot has been hard to unclip and I feel nervous since I fell. I sprayed my pedals with Pam before I left home.

The main roads were very busy on the bike ride. I was afraid that I was going to fall in the church parking lot and make a fool of myself in front of all the people. I had to maneuver around a lot of cars and a tractor on the road. Yes, a tractor! It was challenging.

After about 10 miles, I started to relax once I got on the back roads. I stopped a couple minutes to re-hydrate. A couple passing in a car stopped to ask if I was okay. There are still some good people left in the world..

As I was biking past tall reeds and weeds, I heard a loud crashing noise. I scared two deer out of their hiding place in the tall grass and boy did they scare me!

I hesitate to ride my bike in the center of the lane because of cars. I hesitate to hug the ditch because of animals. I almost hit a skunk last year on my bike. I scared up deer, many rodents, and wild turkeys. Sometimes animals that are afraid are unpredictable. At first, the wild turkeys came towards me as I was riding by them.

The busier road I took on this ride was under construction. There were bump signs and I had to dismount my bike. I also walked it through a busy intersection. It took awhile to get back on my bike because there were so many cars. There was a semi that passed me up a hill in a no passing zone which always scares the crap out of me. I’ve had a few close calls with cars as you can imagine if you are an outdoor runner or biker.

Sometimes I also feel lightheaded. That scares me. Seriously, what doesn’t??!

As I was pulling up to a stop sign near the bike ride rest stop, I was able to unclip my shoes but I couldn’t reach ground. I hit the brakes and almost flew off my bike. I tried to put my feet on the pedals, but they slipped off. I almost fell. Great way to make an entrance to the snack and hydration area! Look at me! The only biker that went 20 miles and crashed into the snack table! Well, it wasn’t that bad but I had them lower my bike seat so I could touch the ground easier. I think that is going to help me a lot!

Last year was the first time I biked 20 miles…since then I did an Olympic tri that was all hills and completed the Half Iron.

I hate to say this but I don’t think I enjoy biking as much now as I did when I was a kid. But I did accomplish much over this past year and think I can conquer this newfound fear.

I am still not sure what is on my racing menu for next season…but I am still biking and out running!!

Day 8: Oconto

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I don’t want to do this anymore. What choice do I have? I could get a ride home and leave Paul to sail home alone. What kind of wife would that make me? Deserting my husband after the lovely vow renewal ceremony where I promised that I would never leave him.

I feel sick. I feel like I didn’t sleep last night. I spent my night rocking violently back and forth with the waves. My mind took me to strange places. I thought of the song Rock-A-Bye Baby. Rocking…when the wind blows…when the bow breaks…repeating on replay through my mind. Perhaps the song was about a boat after all?

The plan was to get up at 5 and set sail by 6. But it is still really windy this morning so we left later than our anticipated time. I feel seasick. I could tell when the wind changed direction overnight by the movement of the boat.

I struggled to get out of bed this morning which never happens. To tell you the truth, the only thing that got me out of bed was the ping of my phone. I got a Facebook message, but it was just another single guy friend waving at me. What is it with single guys Facebook waving at ungodly hours on a weekend morning?? I thought that something was wrong. Nothing gets me out of bed faster than panic.

We are finally underway. I still feel seasick. I decided to get something to eat. Either I will feel better or I will throw up. So far I’m feeling a little better.

Last night I felt like I was sleeping on an airplane with turbulence. I am hoping it helps prepare me for the 18 hour flight to Asia. The thought terrifies me but I don’t want fear to stop me from doing something I love, traveling.

Now I feel nauseous like the time I was on a scary carnival ride that I wanted to get off of. But that only lasted a few minutes instead of hours. Maybe I need a drink of water? Then I will surely be sick. I will, later. Paul tries to take my mind off of it by talking about the highlights of the trip. He tells me to look at the horizon, but I can’t seem to lift my head.

Get me off of this boat I thought as I started throwing up!!

I fell into a light sleep and awoke feeling a little better.

We have been heeling to the side for hours now. It takes a lot of effort to move. Everything is flying all over the place. As the conditions worsen, Paul asks me to get the life jackets in the compartment behind the toilet. I thought that while I was there, I might as well go. The boat rocked violently at the wrong time and my pee poured down the back of my pants and underwear.

As I struggle to get out of my urine soaked clothes and find new ones, Paul is hollering that he needs me on deck. I’m naked!!!??! I am really starting to feel pissy, figuratively and literally.

Like a marathon nearing the end, I want this to be over. I never want to do this again. But by next weekend I will be ready for another adventure. It is exciting and excruciating in the same breath.

Did I tell you that I am feeling rather sick? I want to fight this feeling but it is taking all of my energy to hold this pen.

Pleeeeeaaassseee get me off of this boat..

There are storms coming.We are hitting 4 ft waves that are spraying against the bow. We are huddled below. I’m getting used to feeling this way now.

The storms part around us but more storms are heading our way. It is scary seeing them pop up while we are in the middle of open water on the bay. We are still motoring against the waves. Paul is outside by himself now while I hide out below. Despite the rough water, I fall asleep. I open my eyes every few minutes to make sure Paul hasn’t gone overboard.

Soon we were nearing the breakwater in Oconto. I prepared myself for storms as I put the fenders out. The motor wasn’t working right and we hit the dock hard.

Once again the storms parted around us. This time we were rewarded with a brilliant rainbow. After 10 hours of sailing, we finally made it to shore.

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Day 5: Our 20th anniversary/Death’s Door

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Just like that, the weather changed and we had to leave the beauty of Washington Island behind. We had to leave early or risk being stuck on the island in bad weather for several days.

I got up early. I couldn’t sleep. I admit, I am a little nervous about the day to come. We are looking at strong winds and waves as we sail around Death’s Door (the tumultuous waters where the bay and Lake Michigan collide).

We fully suited up for foul weather in our rain coats over our pants and life jackets. The warm weather was gone. I felt like I was weighed down with a bullet proof vest.

It was rough heading out against the waves. There were 2 men on kayaks in the channel. One dressed for the weather with a life jacket and the other in just a swimsuit. It was nerve wracking trying to maneuver our sailboats around them. We were surrounded by shallow water.

Once again it was fun riding the waves at first. But then came the moment of panic. It was a get me out of here because I feel sick like turbulence on a plane.

We put the main sail up as we were sailing around Death’s Door. I was anxious keeping the boat in irons while Paul put up the sail. The waves were knocking the boat around making it hard to keep it in a straight path. We heeled the boat to the side to keep it in irons and it was a scary feeling. Paul tethered himself to the boat in case he fell off. It didn’t rain but we were wet from the waves crashing against the bow.

After we put up the main sail, we saw a trimaran sailboat struggle through the strong winds. They were moving very fast and we weren’t sure if they were in peril. Paul had me grab the binoculars and turn on the emergency radio while he steered closer to them. They gave us a thumbs up. Just a bunch a thrill seekers sailing the high winds through Death’s Door.

It would’ve been a very bad day for our vow renewal ceremony. I’m not sure where we were at the exact time we got married 20 years ago. I think it was close to the time that we were sailing underneath the parasailor. Paul wanted me to put the camera down and focus on getting to shore. I didn’t have time to count down the minutes to our exact anniversary. As we got closer to shore, the wind got stronger and the waves grew higher. We had difficulty earlier getting the sail down.

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There were several marinas near the area we were going to. We didn’t know which was the right marina or even how to get into it. We couldn’t see the opening. We were near Captain Tom who knew the way. We turned the boat around to follow him and got hit by the waves. We were soaking wet. It was hard to get to shore with the wind and waves as strong as they were. Things got a little messed up as someone was in Captain Tom’s slip. Finally our feet were on shore!

After relaxing for a minute, we were excited to finally have a hot shower after a couple days without. Everything was going great until I went to put on my makeup to go out for supper. The cover came off of my liquid foundation and it poured everywhere making a big mess. I had to throw out some makeup and my bag as wiping it up smeared it all over the place.

We went out to eat at the Wild Tomato. They had the best pizza, but they also had over an hour wait for a table. So we sat at the outside bar and listened to live music on a Wednesday night. Our group laughed and talked like we’ve known each other forever instead of just meeting. There was absolutely no conflict the whole trip. Everyone got along great.

That evening it cooled off. I could hear the wailing wind and crashing waves from my bed in the berth. It looks like the weather is going to be bad the next couple of days. We might get holed up here for a few more days.

 

 

Just one more day….

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It’s been a rough week for me. I have been struggling with insomnia. My mind has been tormented with fits of anger, deep lows, and crippling anxiety. I found myself making mistakes at work although known for my accuracy. I feel sick to my stomach with nervousness. 

Tomorrow is the Half Ironman. 

I have been having nightmares more nights than not when I do sleep. I dreamt  that my legs weren’t working to peddle my bike. I dreamt that I was running straight up and when I got to the top I couldn’t get over the edge. I asked for help but no one would help me. I even had my first nightmare about blogging. I dreamt that there was someone who knew me so well that he left little notes to stalk me. What am I doing? I am a private person. 

Everything in me tells me to stop…stop racing..stop writing..But a few days without it and I am a basket case. 

I am terrified about tomorrow although everyone has been very encouraging about my endurance and ability to finish. I feel exhausted and run down. 

I have to get my mind in the game but it just doesn’t seem to be working right. I hope it is worth all of this. I think it will be after I get through my first Half Iron. I will keep you posted….

Letting go of (not so) little hands

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Last week my son turned 17.

It was my son that ended up in the ER the weekend before this past one. He hurt himself at the trampoline park. Thankfully, he just sprained his ankle.

This next weekend he wants to jump off a cliff. I say I want to do this all the time, but he is really planning on cliff jumping/diving.

I worry all the time. Is there any wonder why??

When I think I have it bad, I am reminded of a classmate’s son who checked jumping out of a car at 55 mph off his bucket list.

My son wants a motorcycle. We told him he needed to work on his grades and get a job.

The original job he had lined up fell through. Now he has a better job. He does general labor for a flooring company. It is hard, dirty work that pays unbelievably well. A job that pays enough to buy a motorcycle.

We decided to let him get his motorcycle license. Perhaps if you are reading this now and you are rather young, you think I am the world’s coolest mom. Or perhaps you are thinking I am the world’s biggest idiot.

I don’t even know anymore…But hear me out.

In less than a year, he will be getting a motorcycle with or without my blessing. He could very easily say ‘screw you mom and dad’ and be very reckless about it. Now we signed him up for a class at the local Harley Davidson, we bought him a helmet, and practically every safety item we could without putting a bubble around him. We are hoping to instill good habits now. Plus by the time he takes the class and gets the bike, he will only have 2 months to ride before it is too cold.

Believe me, I am not as excited about it as he is.

I really wish kids came with owner’s manuals. Or at the very least a flow chart. Is your child adventurous? Yes or no. Is you child a risk taker? Yes or no. Does your child follow the rules of the road? Yes or no. Each answer would pop up a simple pass or fail for each decision that needs to be made.

That would be the perfect world.

 

I loved it when my kids were young. I felt like I had some control. They would eat the food I gave them. They would go where I would take them. Then went to bed when I told them. They wore the clothes I picked out for them.

I realized the minute my children entered the world that they would someday have to leave it. I just don’t want them to leave this world before I do. I told my son that I would never forgive myself if something happened to him on a motorcycle. Children die all of the time. I can’t stop a car accident, a disease, or a natural disaster. Yet I worry about the things I have no control over.

My kids are going to make mistakes. They are going to get hurt. Letting go is a lot harder than I ever thought that it would be. I want to hold their little hands forever. I have to force myself to not over mother and smother my little birds and instead let them try out their own wings to fly. Sometimes it feels wrong. I spent so much time focusing on them. It is hard to let go. As strange as it sounds, it is hard to be me again. It is hard to do the things I want to do for me. It seems so selfish to be able to focus on myself again.

I hope I am making the right decision about letting my son get a motorcycle. But try as I might, I won’t be able to grasp his hand for much longer.

Race-A-Peril

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After we got back from the triathlon, we were planning on sailing a full moon race. I was rather excited to check two races in one day off of my bucket list.

But the strong winds from the morning of the triathlon increased throughout the day making sailing conditions very treacherous. We thought the race would be cancelled but never found out for sure since we spent the evening in the ER instead.

But that will be a story for another day..

I typically compete in triathlons or running. My husband races our sailboat. Sometimes our race paths intersect and I can be found on the water and he on land.

Last night I was part of my husband’s sail race crew along with our friend Jerry. It was a lot cooler and windier than we thought it would be. We were sailing in rough conditions with 3 to 4 foot waves.

For a time, we were slightly ahead of a boat that always wins. They were alongside of us and fell back after we turned.

We were headed on a straight course to the first buoy in the race when disaster struck.

I knew something was wrong when, just like that, we were hurled off course.

A pin snapped. The rudder broke. We spun in violent circles while being struck by waves that rocked our boat and crashed upon the bow. The boom swung and the wind whipped our sails. A line from the main sail broke free and was swirling around overhead like a lasso.

Paul started the outboard motor. The rudder smacked back and forth into the motor’s propeller. Jerry and I worked on getting the jib sheet in as we spun in circles. Then Paul struggled to get the boat in irons to take down the main sail. Then the guys lifted the heavy rudder out of water while trying to maneuver the boat.

After taking the main sail down, the situation became less perilous. But we weren’t out of the woods(?) yet. Paul had to steer the boat back in to the harbor without a rudder. He had to rely on the small outboard motor. His arm was sore from the waves and strong winds that he had to arm wrestle his motor against.

To get back we had to go against the flow. The boats that were racing behind us were coming towards us to get to the racing buoy.

Finally we were able to limp back to shore. Paul had to steer the boat into our slip and it wasn’t going to be easy. There were rugged rocks and a cement wall to navigate around in the strong wind. He hollered to shore for help…but he was able to get us into our slip like a pro.

There were other boats with problems last night.

Another boat had issues and started to come into the slip sideways almost colliding with nearby boats.

The wind ripped another sailboat’s spinnaker in half.

It was the most exciting race ever!

I was happy that the rudder didn’t give out when we were alongside the other boat…we might’ve crashed. Also, the ER visit prevented us from racing this last weekend if the strong winds wouldn’t have. If the rudder broke at dusk 5 miles from shore in strong winds and waves who knows what could’ve happened!

I had a great time. There was no lasting damage. The problem is relatively inexpensive to fix. No one panicked, got hurt, or died last night.

After it was all over, we had a drink and reminisced about our previous perilous sail when we were beginner sailors…the accidental overnight sail…(maybe I will share the story with you all again). Jerry said it was one of the top ten memorable stories of his life. It was one of mine too.

I will not forget last night either.

I love adventure, but I am not a big risk taker.

I have to say that there is something totally exhilarating about challenges that push my mind, body, and stamina to its limits to get through…A sense of danger…Flirtation with failure.

Racing…competing…how I love the thrill of it!

I’ve learned to expect the unexpected.

No race is ever the same…even if it is the same race.

We didn’t finish the race, but we survived the night.

I will count that as a win.

 

Worth, an Olympic tri

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And just like that my confidence was swept away with the howling of the wind..

We arrived the night before the Olympic triathlon. We dipped our feet in the cold waters of the shore. I had one raspberry daiquiri that felt like four.

We dined at a table next to a family with 5 kids all looking to be under 7 years old. They were well behaved and received the envious stares of a couple with one rambunctious toddler.

I briefly thought of my teenagers who could care less about my race the following day while I glanced at my husband across the table. We were alone. My husband played peek-a-boo with the baby at the table next to us. I felt relief that the young years of parenting are over, but wished I could grasp their interest once more. How incredibly boring my children think I am…

We went to bed early the night before the race. I woke up several times during the night fearing that I would miss my alarm but I never do. I awoke to the sound of athletes outside my window. I felt the tug to get ready early even though I was in one of the last waves to go.

The weather conditions were brutal. It was very windy and hot. I was one of the last few people to start swimming. The first half of the swim was against the strong wind. I couldn’t put my face in the water. I was nervous, breathing fast with a racing heart. Every time I put my head in the water and came up for air, I was hit by the waves. It seemed like I sucked in more water than air. I struggled, sputtered, and coughed. But I did not panic nor did I give up.

The swimming was the hardest part. I felt exhausted before the rest of the race started.

The biking was also challenging. The course was very hilly. The wind blew with a sustained speed of ~25 mph with stronger gusts that were strong enough to take down branches and trees and blow the dirt from the nearby fields into my eyes.

I had to stop a man on a motorcycle for water. I didn’t care that I didn’t know him, that he already was drinking out of it, or that the water was warm.

I struggled up the steep hills against the wind. I hit the brakes going down the hills because the wind took my wheels like a kite and I drifted all over the road. Sometimes there were curves at the bottom of a steep hill. I’ve never road a bike on hills like that before nor did I train for it.

I had to be careful for cars since the roads weren’t closed. I almost got hit by a car going through an intersection that did not stop for the crossing guards. They threw up obscenities towards the reckless driver and mumbled apologies my way.

I was told to slow down on a hill because of loose gravel. A rodent dodged out of my path. My bike helmet was too big and painfully chafed the back of my neck. My skin scorched burning in the heat.

By the time I reached the second transition I was very tired. A man who was already done offered to lift my bike on the rack. He also offered me a pair of socks. I didn’t need the socks. I will remember to go without them next time. I looked and looked for my socks I didn’t need, but I was sitting on one. I left to run with one sock on and one sock off.

Running is my strong suit. I pride myself in not doing a lot of walking during a race. There were a few points that I broke down and walked. I walked under the beating burning sun against the wind up a hill. I prodded myself along by thinking that I was almost done. All the Gatorade and water did nothing to quench my thirst. With the exception of a little cup of ice, all of the drinks I was given were hot.

It took me over 4 hours to cross the finish line, but I didn’t give up. Unbeknownst to me, I signed up for an extremely challenging race under ideal weather conditions.

So far the recovery is going smoother than the marathon recovery last month. Marathon recovery is much more intense and painful. This time I feel more exhausted than I do sore. I spent a lot of time yesterday just bored out of my mind but I couldn’t find the energy to do anything. I couldn’t find the strength to grasp the words that were fluttering through my mind.

In the end, I feel more prepared for the Half Ironman next month. But on the flip side, I feel less confident.

 

Trying the Olympic tri

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This weekend I will be competing in my first Olympic tri. Strangely enough, I feel confident. Confidence is a scary feeling. Will I be prepared??

So far the weather for the race looks challenging. It is supposed to be very windy with highs in the upper 80’s…a possible heat advisory…the warmest day so far this year. But I feel ready.

I spent the last 2 weekends swimming across the lake up north. The total distance each time equaling approximately 1 mile.

Seriously, I am not going to bore you with the details. I’ll tell you if something exciting happens…like the time I almost hit a skunk on my bike..

I was feeling a little afraid of swimming long distance in open water but got used to the feeling. Anxiety and fear is not exactly a new feeling for me. Maybe it is better to face these obstacles in real life because I know how to handle feeling this way in a race.

Tomorrow I will pack my bags and head out of town. I hope I don’t forget anything!

I love trying new races.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like some tried and true races close to home. There is an advantage knowing the route. Plus every race is different, even the same race. The weather is different…I meet different people…sometimes I feel nervous, sick, hurt, or unhealthy…and sometimes I feel strong and confident like I do now.

I’m ready to do this…even in a heat advisory.

Bring it on!

 

Sibling bonds

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I saw my mother-in-law last night…it was the first time I’ve seen her since she died. She told me that she would be there for me. But I wasn’t in my house…I was in my childhood home. My husband was there too. He was trying to fix something that was  not fixable..

I woke up crying at 4:30 AM. I feel it happening again.

When I got the news, I was driving my car. I wanted to cry.

Then I felt angry. I drove faster than usual. I wanted to punch someone. I almost wanted someone to hurt me so I could kick, punch, scream, and fight back.

When I got home from my swimming class, I wanted to go for a long hard run. But it was getting dark out.

I felt deep sorrow. It took me to some dark places. It brought back demons so ugly, dark, and evil that I couldn’t possibly outrun them by running hard.

How could we not see what was happening? When Matt was taken off of his anti-psychotic medicine what did we expect would happen?

Matt was taken off of his medication because long term use was straining his liver..

Then started the sleepless nights of agitation. The tics and Tourette’s. The gagging and throwing up of meals. The extreme anxiety.

It wasn’t withdrawal. It wasn’t a virus. The old Matt was back. We just didn’t recognize him because he was gone for so long.

Don’t you remember Alissa? I used to read you books at night…books like Little Women. But Matt would pace the floors in agitation keeping everyone up until midnight. I had to stop reading to you. I had to be with him.

Then yesterday my mom told me that the hallucinations came back.

It started with a dream. A dream of Matt hurting my niece. In the dream, he killed her. He has become fixated on hurting her.

You see, I was Matt’s first victim. Year after year, day after day..it was me that he hurt. He punched me. He kicked me. He clawed me. He bit me.

After awhile, it seemed almost normal.

I wasn’t allowed to fight back. I wasn’t allowed to feel anything.

Then I grew up and had a little girl of my own.

Matt became obsessed with her…or I should say that he became obsessed with hurting her. What would happen if I held her head under water? What would happen if I twist her arm? Would she cry? The voices told him to hurt her.

Then one day he did.

He hurt my daughter on her 4th birthday. After my brother and husband wrestled Matt off of her, my brother Luke took Matt home. Matt went into a psychotic episode so bizarre. He muttered to himself for hours not seeming to be aware of his surroundings.

He still obsessed about hurting my daughter for years afterwards. I had to isolate myself from my family. I did not allow Matt around my daughter for years after that.

Then Matt went on anti-psychotic medicine and became a very peaceful loving person. He started giving hugs instead of bruises. Eventually we were able to reunite as a family once again.

But then this happened.

My mom decided to put Matt back on his medication despite the possible health risks.

Matt loves his family and doesn’t understand why he would want to hurt them.

My brother Luke is keeping his little girls away from Matt until he gets better again.

I never understood how autistic people could be violent. Hearing voices that tell you to hurt someone you love does not seem like a symptom of autism to me. But, a lot of autistic people I know who are violent are non-verbal. Would they be telling the same stories if they could talk?? How is this even possible?

I took the news about this pretty hard.

We will be okay. We will get through this again.

I just feel very compelled to share my story with you.

Please, if you are going through something similar…I would love to hear from you. I feel very alone in all of this.