Life

10 days

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The church was full and I was in the front row. The sermon seemed to go on forever. It didn’t seem right, how a wedding was supposed to be. It started with a sermon and then they do the rest of the wedding later? I got a call saying it was time to get ready. On the way out, someone said next time not to do such a long sermon.

I went upstairs in the attic of the church to get ready. There was big puffy insulation laying on the floor and the ceiling hung low over my head in an upside down V. There was a small mirror, nothing else. I didn’t look right. Something was wrong with my hair. Something was wrong with my daughter’s hair too. Her long golden tresses were shorn short and didn’t look good. She was the bride, so my hair shouldn’t matter but I kept trying to fix it but nothing worked.

Angel’s college roommate’s mom was there helping us but she really wasn’t helping. She clucked and chirped acting really helpful but did nothing besides make me feel totally inadequate in helping my daughter get ready. I couldn’t even help myself. It reminded me of the college music competitions. Angel and her roommate getting ready to compete, both equally talented, but her roommate’s mom also went to school for music. She dropped names and acted like a big shot whereas I sat silently watching because I had nothing to say.

Angel, who thought I was an amazing singer and wanted my guidance in high school, long left me in the dust. I could hear the mistakes back then. The college competition singers were all extremely talented. Angel would ask, “Mom, did you hear where they messed up?” But I couldn’t hear it anymore. It all sounded the same to me. I was no longer holding that special knowledge we once shared. She could hear things beyond what I could hear. I gave her a gift and she went off running with it. What more could I ask for really? It was the feeling of being left behind when what I thought was once necessary and important. Bittersweet, a loss for me was a gain for her. I couldn’t help her anymore.

Loud heavy metal music was playing as we were getting ready. I knew the song, maybe it was a song by Alice in Chains both Angel and I like. I felt like it was sacrilegious to be playing that music loudly in a church especially overheard by the wedding guests waiting below. It made me uncomfortable. I felt like a prude when I told someone to turn it off because it was inappropriate. They put something else on, something I didn’t like which was more appropriate. I felt comfortable with that although it wasn’t what I wanted.

Then I woke up with 10 more days…

Gratitude week 142

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  1. We experienced a notably warm summerlike weather pattern this week after three days of cool and rainy days last weekend. The cold rainy days made me appreciate the warmth more.
  2. Cool nights and a campfire.
  3. Friday afternoon relaxing on the patio by the pool.
  4. Finding dress clothes and shoes for my son to wear to the wedding within 15 minutes at the first store. After one day of dress shopping and a cancelled order, my best friend and I are taking Arabella dress shopping again this afternoon. I’m really hoping and praying we can find something today…
  5. I ordered a wedding gift for my daughter and her fiancé and it arrived the same day.
  6. I finished the book Don Quixote which was a challenge due to it being over 400 years old and over 1,000 pages long. There was a lot of wisdom to be found in it. It was interesting to get a glimpse of life back then. I couldn’t help but notice how different life is today. There definitely was not an emotional component to the book, yet I never dreaded to pick it up to read.
  7. Yesterday we went out to eat and sailing with friends to celebrate the September birthdays. The weather was perfect. It only started to rain right after we got off the water.
  8. We had Angel and Dan over for supper on Friday night. Oh my gosh, the wedding is less than two weeks away! Thankfully my daughter is very organized.
  9. I’m grateful Angel’s future mother-in-law is a seamstress. My mom and I went in to get our dresses fitted this past week.
  10. Mom and I got a massage.
  11. My son got together and practiced with his band this week. It’s been the first time since COVID. I didn’t know if they were ever going to meet again as several of the members are older retired school teachers. This group has had a positive impact on my son’s life and I’m grateful they are back together again because I wasn’t sure if it was going to happen.

19 days

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My son didn’t have to work today so I took him shopping to find dress clothes for my daughter’s wedding. It took 15 minutes, in and out. The first shop. The first set of clothes he tried on. I guessed correctly his shirt and pants size. Everything was the right color scheme. Found some black dress shoes. I had a coupon for 20% off. Done. It almost made me like shopping.

Meanwhile I got home to find out the dress I ordered for my daughter Arabella from Facebook marketplace has been cancelled. They didn’t even give me a reason. I will have to set up another dress shopping day. I’m running out of ideas of where to shop and time.

My daughter Angel sent me a message this morning that my Facebook account got hacked. I hope it had nothing to do with my attempted purchase. The fake account had my profile picture with a pride frame listing my pronouns as him/his. Really?? I don’t think any of my friends would be convinced I changed genders. It would be laughable if I wasn’t so frustrated about the dress order that got cancelled several hours after I changed my password. I’m hoping my credit card info didn’t get compromised. I don’t think it did, but still.

So, good news and bad news today.

24 days

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In 24 days my daughter is getting married. Until now, the date seemed so far away. July was the bachelorette party with friends at the cabin up north. August was the bridal shower. Our 25th anniversary trip in between those events, still the wedding seemed far away. The calendar on my wall flipped once again and now it is less than a month away.

Time keeps marching on although I wanted it to slow down a little. Maybe we could go back to when Angel was still young and holding my hand. I find myself wishing for things that have already passed. I haven’t experienced a lot of longing for the past in my life up until now. The other day I had a dream she was leaving me. The feelings seem silly because she will always be our daughter even though she will no longer carry our name.

I have been busying myself getting everyone else ready for the wedding. I made the appointment for Paul to get his tux fitted. Yesterday I took Arabella shopping. I want my other children to have something nice to wear to their sister’s wedding. I don’t know why I thought I could just waltz into a store and find something. I haven’t seriously shopped for a nice dress for my daughter since before COVID. Remember when department stores had racks and racks of homecoming and party dresses? It’s not like that anymore. The only dresses I found a lot of looked like nightgowns, pajama dresses.

It’s even more difficult to find something nice in the plus sizes. The only acceptable dresses that didn’t look like nightgowns were dresses my grandmother would be too young to wear, never mind a teenage girl. I ended up ordering a dress on Facebook marketplace and I’m praying it is going to work because my daughter is extremely busty. Thankfully she does have one nice dress she could wear if it doesn’t work.

I had a heck of a time finding shoes. My daughter wants me to wear nude dress shoes since I am standing up in the wedding. I do not own a nice pair of nude colored dress shoes. I started that search several weeks ago and came up empty handed until last night. I don’t wear dress shoes anymore. (Plus I hate the color). The only thing I could find looked either like ballet shoes or were two inch stilettos. No way! I did find a cute pair that looked promising only to try them on to experience excruciating pain with my arthritis and bunion. There was no way I could stand to have them on my feet much less stand up with them for the wedding. Last night I found an ugly pair of dress sandals on clearance that don’t make me feel like someone is sawing off my foot. Done.

Yesterday I started a new diet. Okay, I will tell you right now I am an incredibly vain woman. A couple months back when I was diagnosed with arthritis, I also got diagnosed with being overweight. The doctor said I should exercise more. Funny thing was before I started being in pain all the time I was at the gym 3 times a week and was running marathons. I was in a strength training class. I prided myself on maintaining a youthful figure. I thought it would always be that way until my own body humbled me. Now I’m all squishy. Not that anyone expects me to look like I’m 25 besides me when I’m almost twice that.

Yesterday I started the diet of no alcohol, gluten, dairy, and sugar. I’ve done it before after the bad bout of colitis I had. I did feel a lot better, but it is hard to maintain. I am hoping to lose some weight, but mainly to just feel better. I am not going to be super anal about it. But I would like to get back to being healthier again.

I thought I would write about getting ready for the wedding as that is what is happening in my life right now. I feel like I dropped the ball a little with everything being a super organized planner and all. In some ways I don’t think I’ve had to do a lot of worrying because my daughter is also a super organized worrier at planning her own wedding and I don’t want to step on her feet. I really didn’t think about it all that much and here we are at 24 days already.

Adventures in sailing

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We spent last week sailing Door County on a cruise with a couple of other sailboats. Door County is located on the thumb of Wisconsin and is a very popular tourist destination. We ended our trip right before Labor Day weekend because on a holiday weekend slips are harder to come by with multiple boats. But the week before they are generally plentiful.

The cruise started off a little rough. Paul and I decided to go to the boat early because the forecast was showing hot and humid weather conditions. We thought we could get everything ready and then hit the pool before everyone else showed up. It didn’t quite turn out as planned. When we got there a pop up storm came through and it was cool and rainy. The other couple that was planning to sail with us weren’t sure they were going to go with because she was feeling sick and wanted to get tested for COVID.

The following day we sailed through the wind and the waves reaching our destination just before another round of storms hit. I was in a foul mood as well. Along with getting whipped around on the boat, I was suffering through cramps and arthritis pain. Not a good mix. To add to that, my body does not tolerate beer, burgers, and pizza well. You know, pretty much all the fun vacation foods and drinks. So, I had to deal with indigestion and acid re-flux as well. I topped all that off with my usual insomnia.

By the third day, the other couple joined us. Our friend did not have COVID. Instead she was put on antibiotics for an infection but overall was feeling a lot better. From there we sailed to Sister Bay under strong winds and high waves. It was not a very comfortable sail. We decided to stay in Sister Bay for a couple days and visit some of the shops.

For breakfast one morning, we ate at Al Johnsons the place with the goats on the roof. It is a Swedish restaurant with an adjoining gift shop which we visited as we waited to get a table. According to my DNA results, I am a large percent Swedish. I traced my genealogy back as far as I could go on all sides without finding an ancestor from Sweden. So I ascertained I have Viking blood which explains so much as far as my temperament goes.

When we walked by later, there were people on the roof with the goats. None of us have ever seen people on the roof before. I sent the photo to several people and regretted sending it to my son who thought it was pretty cool. I pictured Alex and his friends trying to get up on the roof some time. Alex’s girlfriend commented asking what would happen if they fell. I said if the people fell off they were pretty screwed with broken legs and necks. If the goats fell off, then goat curry. Honestly, though, Al Johnsons is not like Red Lobster. They don’t have goat on the menu.

The wind and waves were pretty strong most of our trip. At Sister Bay waves crashed over the breakwater. I tried to take videos of people getting doused but every time I brought out my camera it tamed the wicked seas. We sailed to another harbor but that was pretty much uneventful. Then we took advantage of the one day with no wind or waves at all to motor back to our home port before the onset of more strong winds, waves, and storms.

The most enjoyable part of the trip back was having multiple monarch butterflies follow our boat. It’s hard to understand how such a small insect can fly so far from shore. Even though the trip started off rough, it ended on a good note. It’s hard to believe just like that summer is pretty much over. All the things we had planned came into fruition. I’m happy we were able to do so many fun adventures, but I’m sad to see summer slip away.

Gratitude week 140

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  1. Summer, although I feel fall starting to slip in.
  2. A nice sailing getaway.
  3. A quiet and relaxing Labor Day weekend.
  4. Sleeping in my own bed with clean sheets.
  5. Angel came over for a visit and took down the balloon arch from her party. I absolutely hate the sound of popping balloons and there were still over 50 in the house some filled with confetti. I swear her future mother-in-law must hate me. Ha ha, never again will I have that many balloons in my house.
  6. My daughter’s wedding is less than a month away.
  7. My best friend and her family had a safe, fun, and relaxing trip to Europe to visit their foreign exchange student. It was their first trip abroad and I’m happy for them that it went well.
  8. A friend gave us enough firewood from the trees he took down to last us all winter. With natural gas prices skyrocketing, I’m grateful for free firewood to help keep our house warm.
  9. The house is clean and most of the laundry is done.
  10. My husband is making his homemade pizza tonight.

Gratitude week 139

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  1. I’m doing my gratitude list a little early this week as we are leaving today for the annual week long sailing cruise. I’ll be sure to share some pictures and stories when we get back.
  2. I’m grateful to be able to go on the sailing cruise because previous to the last year I was unable to go because I had kids starting school. I didn’t want to miss that.
  3. I’m grateful my kids are done with school and I am done with that stress.
  4. Summer, the weather pattern the last couple weeks and for our trip is pretty close to perfect.
  5. I’m grateful to be called up to the clerk at the DMV before I was able to even finish the paperwork. That never happens..
  6. I’m grateful to be able to spend the next week with my husband on a sailing adventure and talking with people since we go as a group with our sailing club. That’s one thing I missed about our trip to Yellowstone, we were pretty isolated from other people. I didn’t think I would want to talk and meet new people, but I did.
  7. My daughter Arabella is feeling better after COVID and an ear infection. For a few days I was having a hard time getting in touch with her and I imagined her laying in her apartment dead…so, yeah, one less thing to worry about.
  8. I’m grateful my friend Jen is celebrating another birthday today as she struggles with cancer.
  9. I’m grateful for a husband that works hard to make sure our bills are paid.
  10. I’m grateful for music that makes me feel better when I am sad.

Fortune cookie wisdom #51

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No man is free who is not master of himself.

Wow, nothing like a fun and carefree fortune cookie saying there. This cookie packs a lot of truth. It sounds good, but unfortunately is easier said than done. Who do we know who is truly free?

I want to think I am free, but really is this an obtainable goal? I am but trapped inside of my own body that no longer does all the things I want it to do.

I also think of my friends who struggle with addiction. How easy is it for us to tell them to just stop whatever it is they are addicted to? Just stop then the addiction will be gone. We want to tell ourselves this is the way it works when we see others struggle losing everything they have at times in danger of even losing their lives. Just stop and it will all go away.

I think everyone struggles with mastering themselves, some are just better at it or care more than others. I wish I could be better at managing my worry. Just this week I worried my daughter was lying in her apartment dead because she is sick and hasn’t been returning my calls or texts. Or better yet, I should think happy thoughts when struggling with depression. That will just magically somehow take the thoughts I don’t want coursing through my head away. Or telling someone with insomnia to just try to get some sleep to count more sheep.

I really think that if most people could master themselves they already would. Maybe we will never be as free as we want to think we are.

Gratitude week 138

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  1. I’m trying to enjoy what’s left of summer. In August we have the best weather here in Wisconsin. The stormy hot days of summer have mostly reached their end with warm days and cool evenings.
  2. This past week I ate, slept, breathed, cooked, cleaned, and shopped everything bridal shower. The bridal shower for my daughter Angel went better than I even expected it to.
  3. We had some difficult people attending the shower, but even they were on their best behavior. My sister-in-law Carla who we had issues with earlier this summer was a model aunt. She was over the top friendly towards my family which was greatly appreciated.
  4. I couldn’t have done the shower justice without the help of my daughter’s future mother-in-law. I’m grateful for all of her help. She’s one of those crafty type people and made a majority of the shower gifts. It seems like everyone went home with at least two gifts. She did pretty much all the decorations as well. She bought a balloon arch which I still have set up in my house with another 30 to 40 stray balloons everywhere. (I’m not too entirely grateful about that).
  5. I’m grateful that Angel, her future MIL, and myself stayed healthy. There is no way the shower would’ve happened if we were not able to be a part of it. My daughter Arabella had to miss the shower because she has COVID. It seems like everyone is sick again.
  6. I’m grateful that my daughter received a lot of nice gifts for their house. It seems like there will be a lot of cooking for them in the future.
  7. I’m grateful that after this past week the following week looks like it’s going to be low key.
  8. Leftover party food so I don’t have to do a lot of cooking.
  9. I’m grateful my daughter picked a great guy to marry.
  10. I’m grateful I don’t have to do any weeding for awhile after all of the weeding I did this past week.
  11. Everything has been cleaned up from the shower (except the balloons!!).
  12. My sister-in-law Emily spent the night with my two nieces on Friday night. It was the first time I saw my sister-in-law this calendar year. We don’t get together with family often enough, especially since COVID so it was nice to catch up.