Marriage

Adjusting

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It’s been a week since we brought the puppies home and what a week it’s been. Overall, things have been going well with some setbacks along the way. We weren’t really planning on getting puppies quite this soon, but here we are with two purebred beagles who are a year old. The owner was an older man who could no longer take care of his property and needed to sell to move into an apartment. He couldn’t take his dogs with and didn’t want to separate them. He was desperate because he was moving in a week and couldn’t find a home for his dogs. So he gave us the dogs and all of their supplies for $100.

For the first couple of nights, the dogs barely slept at all. They had accidents in the house. They never saw a cat before which probably has been the most difficult adjustment of all. In the meantime, we had our home visit for the cat we are in the process of adopting. I was worried they wouldn’t want us to adopt anymore because of the dogs and my daughter living at home with a criminal record. They were afraid we didn’t want the cat anymore because we had the dogs. It’s interesting how our fears change based on the perspective we are looking in from.

Arabella had her first visit with her probation officer this week. According to her, everything went well. We haven’t had any big glaring issues yet.

My son’s car is getting fixed and had nothing to do with the accident he was in. I’m not sure why I have so many irrational fears about vehicles not working. Maybe it just has something to do with the lack of control and knowledge.

My daughter Angel and her husband will be celebrating one year of marriage already this weekend. Everything is going great so far. They just planned an anniversary honeymoon in St. Lucia. I am excited for them.

My appointment with the GI physician assistant went well. I had a couple of tests done and will be getting a colonoscopy and endoscopy done at the same time in a week and a half. I really like the PA but dislike the GI doctor. It might take some more time, but I should have a lot of answers in the next couple weeks.

My husband turned 55 this week. I will be throwing a birthday bash for him this weekend. My son and his band will be playing. I am a little nervous about how the party is going to work out especially with the dogs running around. Then there are the normal worries if I will have enough food and beverages here for everyone. I cleaned the house today and will be starting with the cooking tomorrow. It’s a lot of work but I like hosting parties and don’t mind doing all the clean up afterwards.

There has been a lot going on. I feel like I’m going through a big adjustment period right now.

Hanging on

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I reached the end of my rope yet somehow still kept hanging on. An ambulance ride to the ER, two MRI’s, an EEG, and 25 vials of blood later nothing can be found wrong with me. I’ve heard that stress can kill you and boy did it do a number on me. I am feeling better, back to myself again. Or back to some sad version of me anyway.

My dad had his surgery, spent the night in the hospital, and was back in the ER the following day. But things have settled down. My brother Luke was in town and stopped by for a visit. It’s good to know we are on the same page. Our mom is starting to slip mentally. We are not sure what to do about it. She is not taking good care of our dad. But our dad made his own bed through a lot of bad decisions and has to live with that. We are going to play things by ear. Kind of like a watchful waiting.

Meanwhile, we are starting to prepare for Arabella to get out of jail. Yesterday we invited our old friend over whom we haven’t seen in over 10 years and told him our daughter was accusing him of raping her as an infant. It was a difficult but necessary conversation since Arabella spoke recently of contacting him when she gets out of jail. We know he didn’t do it. Come to find out he now lives a block away from us. I did a Google search on him and it pulled up his full address and phone number. If I could find him in two seconds, I know she will be able to as well. She could even walk to his house to confront him. We had to warn him. He had no idea why we would reach out after all these years. He thought maybe we were offering him a job or something not telling him he might have to watch his back and possibly file a restraining order.

This is the first summer I’m not really looking forward to. Life just has been way too serious lately and not very much fun. I’m not sure what life is going to look like when our daughter gets home. Plus now we have legal expenses and medical bills when I’d rather use the money for travelling.

On a good note, my husband, Angel, and Alex really stepped up when I was sick. I have a core group of people who are pulling for me. Through all of the stress, Paul and I are working together to keep our marriage strong. Although I’d rather not struggle at all, it helps to have a partner to go through this together. I’m not very hopeful for my daughter’s future, but we are doing everything we can to support her which I can say no matter what happens we did all we could.

We might have to put down our cat in the near future. He is around 17-years-old and is not in the best health. I know, I know…not a lot of good news, but that’s life. I’m just glad right now to be feeling better. What a wake up call. I thought I had MS. I had visions of myself spending a good chunk of the rest of my life in a wheelchair. It was terrifying and I can’t imagine having serious health issues. I think it opened my eyes in a new way to the suffering of others. It’s scary when your body doesn’t do what you want it to do. I couldn’t trust myself. I had to cancel the motorcycle class and I’ve decided to let that dream go.

I’ve been trying to deal with my stress in a healthy way. It got pretty scary when what was once working no longer seemed to work. I think I’m back on track again. We’ll see what happens.

Solving communication issues

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Last week Paul and I had our couples therapy appointment. I think we had a breakthrough regarding some of the communication issues we have been having.

What I need from Paul is to be relational. I want to know he feels the same way or has some of the same worries so I don’t feel alone in my suffering. Paul wants me to give him hope by telling him everything is going to be okay and offer encouragement. For the longest time, we have been giving each other what we would want for ourselves. That has proved to be a frustrating experience all around.

The second time Arabella went to jail I felt very fearful for her future. There is a myriad of feelings involved when your child is incarcerated. I have been feeling despair, hopelessness, anger, guilt, anxiety, uncertainty, shame, and fear. Nothing really associated with ‘positive’ feelings about any of this. Now I usually keep these feelings to myself and go into a nice dark corner to lick my wounds. But my husband has been rather distraught by my isolation so through therapy I resolved to tell him how I feel instead. He found he didn’t really like what I was feeling.

When I am feeling despair, his response is to trust in God and everything will be okay which usually makes me quite angry. What is wrong with me? Why does he seem to have this faith that I don’t? How am I supposed to get out of survival mode if all I am doing is trying to survive? Who is the person I was supposed to be if I didn’t have childhood trauma? Trusting? Trusting in God? How do I have faith when I feel if God exists he doesn’t really care about me? Maybe he doesn’t exist at all. Why does he allow so much suffering? Why do my prayers go unanswered? If I have already given control over to God, why is he choosing this for my life?

In therapy, I told Paul I really wanted him to try to be relational, like talking to a best friend. I don’t want him to fix, solve, or tell me everything is going to be okay. I want him to commiserate with me that sometimes life really fucking sucks. He has been making the effort. He said he also has doubts about God, feels despair about our daughter’s future, and questions why there is so much unnecessary suffering in this world. It made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

Paul wants me to give him hope and tell him everything will be okay. This has been a struggle for me because it doesn’t feel authentic. I don’t know if everything is going to be okay. Arabella might end up killing herself, hurting someone else, and being in and out of jail or mental health treatment centers the rest of her life. It’s very likely the life she will end up living. I think I will outlive my daughter. Where is the hope in that? I have been trying to offer up hope and encouragement even if I don’t believe it because that is what my husband needs.

So I guess in some ways it has been beneficial to have our lives fall apart so we are able to rebuild it into something better. There really hasn’t been much Paul and I haven’t been through in life and if we survive it, maybe we can help others.

Gratitude week 171

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  1. Clean sheets.
  2. When I put on the sheets, I noticed there was a hole in it and they were starting to wear out. So I bought new sheets. I know, not very exciting…but still.
  3. Easter; church and lunch at my daughter and son-in-law’s house.
  4. My friend James and I went to a meeting where I signed up to be a film screener for the local film festival. It’s an exciting new volunteer venture. I met some new and interesting people. It’s a great way to be involved in the arts. At one time of my life I really enjoyed acting and singing on stage. But now I find myself more of a behind-the-scenes kind of girl. It’s a great way to be involved without having to memorize lines and get all stressed out about performing.
  5. Paul and I also went out Saturday night with James to a couple breweries and out to eat. There was a band performing that James is really crazy about and it was nice to get away from the stress for a couple hours and have fun.
  6. Volunteering by helping families in need at the center greeting people at the welcome desk.
  7. Spring has finally arrived in Wisconsin. We still have patchy snow on the ground…but it is melting!
  8. Friday we had our last women’s group. I might be getting together with one of the ladies from the group. Maybe I made a new friend out of it?
  9. I had a good appointment with my counselor.
  10. Today Paul and I had a great appointment with our couples counselor. I think we made a breakthrough in some of the communication issues we have been having.

Gratitude week 167

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  1. My mom and I were able to go snowshoeing this past week. We are having another snowstorm, so I see more snowshoeing and cross-country skiing in the near future. It’s been a very snowy late winter.
  2. My daughter and her husband got a new kitten this past week. I’m grateful she is adding joy to their lives.
  3. Volunteer time; it was good to go back after taking a couple weeks off.
  4. I had an eye exam this past week and will be getting new glasses. I’ve been having some minor problems with my eyes, mainly sensitive, irritated eyes with blurry vision caused by a blocked tear gland. I can’t even cry right anymore. Seriously, at this point I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry. I’m grateful to find out what is going on and that it will be a long time before I have to go back again.
  5. I signed up for a motorcycle class at the local Harley Davidson. I’ve been thinking about it for years but have been nervous about signing up, so now I did.
  6. I saw my first robin this past week. Even though there is tons of snow on the ground and more coming…spring will be here soon…right??
  7. We had a volunteer night at the sailing club to put our summer sailing brochures in envelopes. Previously our friends Harv and Kate were doing it themselves and it took them 6 hours. With a large group, we got the job done in a half an hour.
  8. It was nice to see Harv and Kate again. They are somewhere around 90 years old and Harv has been in poor health. I’m grateful to have some wonderful older friends to look up to. They have been married for 62 years and are a great example of what marriage can be.
  9. As a Christmas gift, we had our pastor and his family over to grill out and swim. It was a lot of fun to see the little kids having fun in the pool.
  10. We also had our friends over for trip planning last night. Next month we are taking a road trip to Traverse City, Michigan. We had a good visit.
  11. While our friends were here last night, we saw a red fox walk right by the window. That’s not something we see very often.
Angel and Dan’s new kitty.

2022 recap

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It’s hard to believe in a couple days we will be kissing 2022 good-bye. It’s been an interesting year with a lot of changes. I’ll highlight the highs and lows of the year.

Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first. In January of this year, we had to put down our 14 year old Beagle. We had him since he was a puppy. It was hard to let him go, but I feel good we were able to provide him with a loving home the time he was with us.

This year I was diagnosed with arthritis. This was the first year in over a decade that I didn’t log any running miles or do any races. This has been a huge change for me and at times hard for me to accept.

This year I travelled within the United States. Here is the list of areas I visited:

  1. Nevada
  2. Michigan
  3. Illinois
  4. Idaho
  5. Montana
  6. Wyoming
  7. Washington D.C.
  8. Maryland
  9. Delaware

I crossed 4 out of 9 off my bucket list.

My husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in Yellowstone by Old Faithful. It’s hard to believe we have been married 25 years already and I’ve known my husband half of his life. It’s something worth celebrating.

Our daughter got married this year to a wonderful guy. They bought their first house, have great jobs, and are 100% independent. What a blessing they have been to each other and us.

We tackled some big remodeling projects.

We joined a new church.

This is the first full year ALL of our children are adults and are living their own lives which has many ups and downs. I’ve had to learn to let go of a lot of things and no one is ever totally ready for that.

That’s about all I can think of right now.

What are my plans for 2023? I don’t do resolutions. I want to think I try to be the best person I can be every day. I don’t have any big goals. I want to continue to help others. I want to continue to work on my issues for a stronger marriage and a healthier me. I want to continue travelling and plan on crossing South America off my bucket list in February. Other than that, the rest is just life which I will be writing about as it unfolds.

Happy New Year!!

Gratitude week 156

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  1. Spending Christmas with my kids and their significant others.
  2. Spending three weekends in a row celebrating Christmas with my kids and their significant others. I am really blessed to have adult children living nearby.
  3. Spending Christmas Eve with my husband, best friend and her family.
  4. The candlelight Christmas Eve service.
  5. My son and his girlfriend got into a car accident on Christmas Eve. A lady blew a red light and hit them. I’m really grateful they were safe in the accident. I am really, really hoping and praying his car isn’t totaled as he has only had it for a month.
  6. My son Alex does not always wear his seatbelt which his girlfriend and I have been giving him a hard time about. He said previously if he thought he was going to get into an accident he would slip it on real quick. I asked him how that worked out for him. He said from now on he is going to wear a seatbelt.
  7. I gave and got some really cool gifts. Among my favorites are the Lake of Tears vinyl record, several books including A Father’s Story by Lionel Dahmer, and a magnet fishing kit.
  8. We had a white Christmas.
  9. The wind chills are finally above zero.
  10. We had a great night on Friday sampling beer, eating pizza, and watching the Bucks game with our employee and friend James plus Angel and Dan. Because it was incredibly cold and snowy not all the pizza places were open. When the delivery driver got here, she said she got stuck in someone’s driveway and was sorry she was late. I’m grateful for people who show up to work on a holiday weekend with bad weather conditions. I gave her a good tip.
  11. Volunteering at Christmastime. Seeing the joy of people in need receiving special gifts at Christmas time. There were a lot of clothes donations at Christmastime, so my mom, Angel and I helped with the sorting today.
  12. In addition to our own counselors, Paul and I started seeing a couples counselor familiar with our family history. Our marriage is not in trouble. We thought it would help us get through some difficult areas we need to work through mainly with family of origin issues. After one session, she has already been very insightful and I’m hoping it will enhance our relationship.

Gratitude week 153

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  1. Well, since I have not left the house since last week’s gratitude list…I’m grateful for the opportunity to be able to get a lot of things done online I was once only able to leave the house to do.
  2. Clean sheets…again.
  3. To be feeling better every day.
  4. As of last night I pretty much finished all of my Christmas shopping.
  5. My husband and his friend got a huge home project done. Because of them, we are ahead of schedule on the home renovation projects.
  6. My husband did a great job keeping everything running while I was sick. He was very supportive.
  7. If I had to get sick, it was a good time for it since I didn’t have to cancel a lot of plans.
  8. I did have to cancel going to an open house at the spa I got non-refundable tickets for. The good news was that I received a text saying I won a $1,000 gift card to the spa.
  9. I am eating real food again.
  10. My husband and I started playing a new to us card game of gin rummy.

My letter from the bride and groom

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Mom,

Thank you for standing up in our wedding. You and I have always had such a close bond. I cherish our many memories we have made together. Some of my favorite memories include running with you in the mornings, going on the train ride at Disney, and the many community theater shows we were in together. I remember sitting down while you attempted to put makeup on my twitchy eyes. You will always be my best friend and person I turn to during hard times. You are strong, hard working, and patient. The love I have for you can’t be put into words. You are the best mom a girl could ask for. Thank you for the time you put into raising me and the investment in giving Dan and I our dream wedding. You always have my back and I love and appreciate you so much.

Love, Angel

Alissa,

Thank you for all of your contributions to our wedding, and for raising such a wonderful daughter. I feel very fortunate to have you for a mother-in-law and future grandmother to our children. I look forward to becoming a member of your family.

Love, Dan

Angel gave me this note right before the wedding ceremony. It was hard to keep a dry eye and this was a very special touch. I am so excited for them as they start the next chapter of their life together. I know my daughter married the right man. I can’t even describe how joyous their day was to me. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

My daughter’s wedding

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I awoke early after a restless night of sleep. Once the day started it went by fast, although I felt like I was moving in slow motion. Although tired, I was feeling pretty good. All the bridesmaids showed up around 10 AM. Afterwards there was a flurry of activity. My friend Lisa showed up to do my daughter’s hair and we ended up going to the store to buy ingredients for mimosas. I also opened an expensive bottle of champagne sent from our foreign exchange student from France. I was just waiting for a special day. It wasn’t long after we got back that the photographer arrived for pictures.

It was a gorgeous autumn morning. Angel bought us robes to get ready in that said bridesmaids on it. I got ready here and there. Angel didn’t sleep much the night before and her stomach was too upset to eat or sip champagne that morning or even the evening before. There were a couple little problems like the light burning out in the bathroom everyone was getting ready in. Arabella found they never removed the big plastic tag from her dress at the store and left in a hurry leaving her dress shoes behind to get the tag removed. I set out snacks for everyone. Just like that it was time to leave and I left the house a mess. Angel was getting very anxious about leaving on time and everyone else started getting anxious too. Angel lost her phone and we couldn’t find it anywhere. She was ready to leave without it, but it was found at the last minute.

Angel was a big mess at the church. She put her dress on and started crying. She gave everyone little notes to read. I will share mine at a later date. It was hard not to cry as well. The ceremony itself was excellent. They rented a wedding chapel and minister. I was really pleased with how everything turned out. After the ceremony was over, I felt immensely relieved. We took a couple family pictures outside. Paul’s step-dad asked me where my dad was. I guess we never told him and probably never will. I told him my dad was not well enough to be there. Darryl sighed and rolled his eyes. No one mentioned my dad again the rest of the day.

After a few pictures, the limo was ready for us. We stopped at several places to take pictures. For a picture, the guys pulled out some cigars. I said the girls needed cigar pictures too, so we did. We cracked open all the leftover bottles of champagne from earlier that morning. We even had a picture in the park where Dan shook a bottle of champagne and it sprayed everywhere. I can’t wait to see the pictures because I really didn’t take many even though I was supposed to.

It was really a lot of fun to spend the day with Angel and Dan. They were so happy. After pictures, we still had some time left in the limo so we stopped at a bar where the best man bought everyone a round of Fireball shots. Then it was off to the reception hall for the grand march and dinner. I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea. Go big or go home. Paul did an amazing job with his prayer. I was so impressed. The maid of honor also had an amazing speech.

I probably had a little too much to drink. I wasn’t the only one. But it was a great night and we all had a lot of fun. I tried to make the rounds and talk to everyone. Most of the night, though, you could find me on the dance floor. The music was great. I was hugging everyone which is pretty out of character for me. When I wasn’t on the dance floor I was outside with the smokers cracking jokes, giving unsolicited advice, and telling people to stop smoking (even complete strangers). Then I came right back to the dance floor dancing and sampling random people’s drinks. Everyone had a great time, especially the bride and groom. Everyone clapped and cheered for them. The atmosphere was that of festive celebration because everyone was happy for them because they are great together. It was the best wedding I’ve ever attended. My daughter did a great job with planning and picking the right guy.