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Solving communication issues

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Last week Paul and I had our couples therapy appointment. I think we had a breakthrough regarding some of the communication issues we have been having.

What I need from Paul is to be relational. I want to know he feels the same way or has some of the same worries so I don’t feel alone in my suffering. Paul wants me to give him hope by telling him everything is going to be okay and offer encouragement. For the longest time, we have been giving each other what we would want for ourselves. That has proved to be a frustrating experience all around.

The second time Arabella went to jail I felt very fearful for her future. There is a myriad of feelings involved when your child is incarcerated. I have been feeling despair, hopelessness, anger, guilt, anxiety, uncertainty, shame, and fear. Nothing really associated with ‘positive’ feelings about any of this. Now I usually keep these feelings to myself and go into a nice dark corner to lick my wounds. But my husband has been rather distraught by my isolation so through therapy I resolved to tell him how I feel instead. He found he didn’t really like what I was feeling.

When I am feeling despair, his response is to trust in God and everything will be okay which usually makes me quite angry. What is wrong with me? Why does he seem to have this faith that I don’t? How am I supposed to get out of survival mode if all I am doing is trying to survive? Who is the person I was supposed to be if I didn’t have childhood trauma? Trusting? Trusting in God? How do I have faith when I feel if God exists he doesn’t really care about me? Maybe he doesn’t exist at all. Why does he allow so much suffering? Why do my prayers go unanswered? If I have already given control over to God, why is he choosing this for my life?

In therapy, I told Paul I really wanted him to try to be relational, like talking to a best friend. I don’t want him to fix, solve, or tell me everything is going to be okay. I want him to commiserate with me that sometimes life really fucking sucks. He has been making the effort. He said he also has doubts about God, feels despair about our daughter’s future, and questions why there is so much unnecessary suffering in this world. It made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

Paul wants me to give him hope and tell him everything will be okay. This has been a struggle for me because it doesn’t feel authentic. I don’t know if everything is going to be okay. Arabella might end up killing herself, hurting someone else, and being in and out of jail or mental health treatment centers the rest of her life. It’s very likely the life she will end up living. I think I will outlive my daughter. Where is the hope in that? I have been trying to offer up hope and encouragement even if I don’t believe it because that is what my husband needs.

So I guess in some ways it has been beneficial to have our lives fall apart so we are able to rebuild it into something better. There really hasn’t been much Paul and I haven’t been through in life and if we survive it, maybe we can help others.

Gratitude week 172

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  1. The weather has been absolutely amazing all week. We were finally able to turn off the heat. Unfortunately, the warm spell has ended and it might snow again tomorrow. But this past week felt so good and all the snow we had on the ground melted.
  2. We celebrated my son-in-law’s 25th birthday this week. I’m grateful for Dan. He is a hard worker and is working 12+ hour days every single day this month. He is also funny, thoughtful, good at almost any project, and is kind. He is a good addition to our family.
  3. Although it was hard to be indoors on a really nice day, Paul and I volunteered by ourselves this week which was really rewarding.
  4. Paul and I went to our first support group for families of the mentally ill. Although I wouldn’t wish any of the struggles we and others in similar situations are going through, it’s good to not feel alone. I’m grateful Paul and I are working together as a team. He has worked hard to be an amazing husband through this. Not everyone has the support of a spouse which I think is more important than anything.
  5. With the pleasant weather, we opened up our pool on Friday and had some friends over.
  6. Bunco started up again for the first time since COVID. I’m grateful that for the most part life is moving on past COVID.
  7. With warm weather comes yard work. Unfortunately raking by our decorative pond scared out some more wildlife (a good sized Pine snake and a muskrat). I’m not particularly afraid of those animals, however when they jumped out at me they gave me a good scare. The good thing about yard work is it gives me a good excuse to ride around on the ATV. This time after I was done I took it out on the road for the first time (it is legal to do around here). It was a lot of fun.
  8. Last night our friend James got us free passes to go to a film festival. Paul, Angel, Alex, Lexi, and I went. We all had a really great time, better than any of us were expecting. It was something new and interesting.
  9. James is coming over this afternoon for a Bucks game. It’s a good way to spend the afternoon on a rainy day.
  10. With the warm weather comes rummage sale season. I hit up 4 rummage sales. For $20 I got 3 pairs of jeans (one of them was a Harley brand), a super cute light blue floral top, a punch bowl ladle, a home casino game set, and the bonus was a free Last Supper candle holder. I put in the peace and hope candles I got from the thrift store. (Of course it figures that the peace candle was cracked in half although the wick seemed to hold it together).

I didn’t sign up for this..

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My daughter is still in jail. I think I am finally getting used to living in a constant state of uncertainty. I’m not sure when she is getting out. It could be next week. It could be a couple months.

This week Paul and I went to a support group for families who are dealing with family members with mental illness. Every single family there who has a mentally ill child Arabella’s age or older have or have had an incarcerated child. I found this to be shocking. We weren’t the only ones. Which makes me wonder how many mentally ill people are in the criminal justice system. And, how messed up is that? Because our child (and many others) is an adult, we could not get treatment for her unless she was a threat to herself or others. What a joke! And then, even if they hurt themselves or someone else, it is still hard to find treatment. Poor ratings from me for the broken mental health system.

My teenage adult daughter has been sitting in jail facing 3 felonies for the last couple weeks. Nothing new is happening with her case. She is just sitting there so she can’t come home and screw up her life some more. We got her a lawyer. We don’t want our daughter to be a convicted felon, we don’t want prison, we want mental health treatment. But her meds aren’t right. Although some are better than none, I guess. Both times she ended up in jail she was off her meds because she felt like she didn’t need them.

Talking to the other parents in the support group, I wonder if jail is just going to be a part of her life now. If it is, this will be the last time we get her a lawyer. We have spent so much money on her treatment already. Her two month stint in a residential treatment facility almost cost as much as a 4 year college. We’ve already paid the lawyer over $1,000. It isn’t fair to our other children and it isn’t fair to us because it is eating away from our retirement. Plus life goes on. We are paying her half of rent. We just found out she owes a lot of money for taxes because her online ‘modeling’ job didn’t take any money out.

I think my daughter is going to fail on probation. She is going to have to take her meds, be on time, have no contact with Will, and observe absolute sobriety. I would be a fool to think her prognosis is anything but poor. Plus, in the state she is in, she could harm herself or someone else all of which she has done before.

After she gets out of jail, Arabella is moving back home. It’s that or be homeless as she has nowhere else to go. We need to develop a safety plan because I’m not sure if I’m safe. My daughter is twice my size. She tried to strangle her boyfriend. What if she does that to me? I have to come to terms that my life could be in danger. Am I willing to risk that? I think I am prepared to die. I will probably have to keep my phone on me at all times and lock my bedroom door while I sleep at night. I will have to be aware at all times. Some of the parents in the support group got large dogs to alert and protect them.

My husband is gone a lot for work in the summer. At times he mentioned quitting his job so I’m not home alone. But I don’t want him to do that. Maybe we are worried for nothing. Maybe everything will be just fine. But we have to think about these things now. I don’t know if I will be able to call the police unless it is really bad. Growing up my mom tried to protect my autistic/schizophrenic brother at all costs. We had to protect Matt from the police when he attacked us or others. I grew up thinking calling the police was wrong. I just don’t know if I can do it. But I also think my mom didn’t handle things correctly. This has been triggering in so many ways.

I wish I could say I have been able to get it off my mind, but I can’t. If it is not front and center, it’s still percolating on the back burner. Some days are better than others. I’m starting to get used to it.

Gratitude week 171

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  1. Clean sheets.
  2. When I put on the sheets, I noticed there was a hole in it and they were starting to wear out. So I bought new sheets. I know, not very exciting…but still.
  3. Easter; church and lunch at my daughter and son-in-law’s house.
  4. My friend James and I went to a meeting where I signed up to be a film screener for the local film festival. It’s an exciting new volunteer venture. I met some new and interesting people. It’s a great way to be involved in the arts. At one time of my life I really enjoyed acting and singing on stage. But now I find myself more of a behind-the-scenes kind of girl. It’s a great way to be involved without having to memorize lines and get all stressed out about performing.
  5. Paul and I also went out Saturday night with James to a couple breweries and out to eat. There was a band performing that James is really crazy about and it was nice to get away from the stress for a couple hours and have fun.
  6. Volunteering by helping families in need at the center greeting people at the welcome desk.
  7. Spring has finally arrived in Wisconsin. We still have patchy snow on the ground…but it is melting!
  8. Friday we had our last women’s group. I might be getting together with one of the ladies from the group. Maybe I made a new friend out of it?
  9. I had a good appointment with my counselor.
  10. Today Paul and I had a great appointment with our couples counselor. I think we made a breakthrough in some of the communication issues we have been having.

Gratitude week 170

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  1. Life has been really tough the last week and a half with our daughter in jail. I’m grateful for all the support from family and friends. When my best friend found out, she dropped everything she was doing and came over to our house with her husband. It was comforting to not be alone.
  2. I’m grateful March is over and we are one step closer to my favorite season, summer. March came in like a lion and roared like a lion on its way out. We got a lot of snow and still have snow on the ground so it doesn’t feel very spring like.
  3. I hosted a murder mystery party over the weekend which was a lot of fun. I was the only one who guessed the murderer correctly. (Although Paul didn’t have the opportunity because he found out his character was the murderer).
  4. We spotted the fox in our yard a couple more times which is a rare sighting.
  5. Volunteering and helping others.
  6. A good group session.
  7. I got my third tattoo, a cross in the middle of my back. To me it symbolizes suffering and the endurance of it. All my tattoos have special meaning to me.
  8. I was able to do some writing when I was in a bad place. For me that seems like the best time to write my story because I can write with more feeling and purpose.
  9. Last night we got together with some friends we are traveling with at the end of the month for supper and games.
  10. Today my mom came over and we went out to eat for lunch and went for a walk. It was a good visit.
  11. We were able to hire a lawyer for our daughter and we are working on getting her an official diagnosis.
  12. My son got promoted to a team leader at work and got a good raise.

Back to jail

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I was half expecting Arabella to be at our house when I woke up Saturday morning. It was a blustery morning, the expected two inches of snow turned into over a foot of snowfall. Paul got up a few minutes before me and I asked him a question as I started making my coffee. He told me he needed to talk to me and I had better sit down. Not the best thing to hear right away in the morning. Paul said Will texted him to tell us our daughter got arrested again.

Friday night, Will and Arabella went to a show. I was worried about Arabella because she was extremely delusional for the past few days. I knew she was looking forward to going to the show she got tickets to for months. On Saturday, my plan was to talk to her about admitting herself into the hospital. I also thought it would fall on deaf ears just like us telling her she needed to take the diversion offered to her to dismiss her criminal charges. I had to try even if she got upset with me. But it was too late.

This is what I was able to piece together. Something that was said at the show set off Arabella and she got very upset. At the show, she was overwhelmed because she was collectively able to go into the minds of everyone there and feel all their pain. She began to talk very loudly during the show and Will told her to shut up. They left the show early. Arabella drove home and Will walked a couple miles home.

When Will got home he was very upset because they left the show early and he did not want to listen to Arabella preach to him about how she decoded the Bible. He tried to get Arabella to take her medicine but she refused. She grabbed him by the neck and started choking him. Then she held him face down on the floor and told him she was doing God’s will. He managed to get away and called 911.

Now my daughter is sitting in jail facing 3 felonies and 2 misdemeanor counts. At the time of her arrest, she was completely out of touch with reality for over 3 days. We tried to get her help but no one would do anything unless she hurt herself or someone else because she is an adult. Paul, Will, and I tried to file a petition for involuntary commitment but it was denied. Apparently when she was suicidal two week ago and the police were called that didn’t count because they had a safety plan in place for 24 hours. We detailed her week of delusions, didn’t count. We recounted her violence against Will which didn’t count because the police report didn’t say it was mental health related. Apparently being totally out of touch with reality, being suicidal, and choking someone isn’t enough to get someone committed. I have at least 5 people who would testify she needed help the week she was arrested.

I don’t know what it would take to prove my daughter has mental health issues. She is only 19 and was hospitalized 4 or 5 times in the psychiatric hospital, was in an outpatient program several months, went to a residential program for two months, went to the ER several times for delusions, burned through a dozen counselors, tried a dozen different medications, has self-harm scars on most of her body. We are not trying to say she is mentally ill to get her out of going to prison. She is mentally ill and needs help. At this point I don’t care if she goes to prison as long as she gets the treatment she needs.

I went back on my phone to find proof via text of her delusions. Her first suicide attempt was February 15, 2020. Two weeks before that her texts indicated her mental condition was starting to decline. I didn’t know that yet at the time but going back it was clear. Before then everything was good, everything was normal. I sat and cried for about 10 minutes going through all the old normal texts of friends and dances and pictures before the cutting. I wondered to myself what the kids are like in other families before they became schizophrenic. Like the day before tragedy happens, we never remembered the last normal meal when we were all together and everything was normal and fine.

We wonder how things went so terribly wrong. The mental health system is failing miserably. My daughter has had one steady psychiatrist for 4 months in the last 3 years. He was the doctor that said my daughter most likely has borderline with schizoaffective disorder with bipolar 2. Then he said he was retiring and there wasn’t anyone to take his place. Borderline! Bipolar! Schizophrenia! Alone those are hefty diagnoses. But combined and facing 3 felonies no one has to tell me her prognosis is poor. I live with the fear that someday I might outlive my daughter.

Right now we are hoping for a psych eval in jail and inpatient treatment. We could bail her out but I’m afraid she will kill herself. I am afraid she is going to go to her apartment and hurt Will. I’m afraid she might hurt me. I’m afraid she might run away. I’m afraid she might do something stupid and get herself into more trouble. There has been a lot to think about. It’s been one hell of a roller coaster ride. It’s been a very difficult process full of uncertainty. At least we were able to hire a lawyer and we’ll see how everything goes.

Gone

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The first indication there was something really wrong was when she came over in the middle of the night on Tuesday and knocked on our bedroom door waking us up. Arabella yelled outside the door that she needed to go to the ER. She was terrified she was starving to death. Her body was eating itself. Arabella is obese. No one in their right mind would think she was starving to death. She went to the ER. We tried to go back to sleep but didn’t have much luck.

Arabella came over very early Thursday morning because she had to tell me something. She told me that an old friend of ours who we haven’t seen in over 10 years raped her psychically while she was unconscious as a child. She could tell he was also raping his daughter (someone she never met) from looking at his Facebook pictures. She was ready to call CPS. She told her sister this and her sister said it wasn’t true and that she couldn’t ruin this nice man’s life by making false accusations.

Arabella then said that Angel was controlling everyone. Angel turned everyone against her except for the other family she moved in with for awhile. We were all deceived. But she also loves Angel because she has Stockholm Syndrome towards her. Angel could force her to laugh and smile. She could cause other people to hurt her.

Arabella told us she has Multiple Personality Disorder. She also has PTSD and when she does she has the ability to go into other people’s bodies and think their thoughts and feel their emotions. Through this she can understand other people’s lives.

Friday morning Arabella came over very early once again and excitedly stated she decoded the Bible. She understands it now. She talked animatedly about complex theological concepts sometimes hitting the mark, sometimes not so much. She said that Mary was raped. She would not allow us to speak. She said she was born again and is a new person. She didn’t feel like she was herself anymore.

Besides being out of touch with reality, I was very concerned at this point she was not sleeping or taking care of herself. She said sleep was something that mortals like me needed. My daughter was gone and there didn’t seem to be a single thing we could do about it because she is an adult. She is finally trusting me again and I was afraid any efforts on my part would break that trust and I would once again be a threat. Everything felt surreal. I can’t believe this is happening and I keep second guessing myself.

Later that afternoon, I just happened to look at my find friends to see when my husband was coming back for lunch. I noticed Arabella was at CPS. I tried to talk her out of reporting our old friend. I panicked and called their office. Angel also called their office several days before warning them that her mentally ill sister believes someone has been sexually assaulted but was not. She was also accusing other people of sexual assault whom she has never met because of her ability to go into the minds of others.

I think my daughter is schizophrenic. My brother is schizophrenic. My cousin is schizophrenic. Little did I know the worst was yet to come…

Talks about moving back home

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I thought the meeting (after the argument) with our daughter about moving back home went really well. We came up with a list of boundaries and in the end, Arabella said she could work with the boundaries we laid out for her. She was talking a mile a minute and the thoughts in her head were swirling around faster than she could think them. She had two sheets of paper of scribbled up notes she wanted to discuss with us.

She trusts me again. Me, which is a lot of responsibility. She said she understands us now and we are not out to get her which has been a big improvement from where we were.

A couple days before Paul and Arabella had a fight about her selling images of herself online. Paul said he didn’t want her to do that kind of stuff under our roof. I agree with him, however I don’t feel as strongly about it as he does. We are taking her back at a low point after all. The last thing we want to do is control her. We did try before because she was a child. But now as an adult I don’t want to step in unless she or someone else is in danger. She wants to think of herself as an Instagram model and has plans to move to California when she is famous which according to her will be soon.

Maybe I don’t feel as strongly about it because porn has always been a part of my life. Maybe I’ve normalized it as a way to cope with it. I remember when I was 6 I got in trouble for showing a magazine to my cousin. Boy did I get in trouble. I think one of my brother’s might have taken a magazine to school. These are the images I saw as a young child and I wanted to grow up to look like that. That is a very hard standard to live up to especially as I age. I would be lying if I said that kind of material had no effect on me as I grew and developed.

As a very young child, my siblings and I had easy access to porn and we were curious. We looked at the images and as I got older I read the articles. (Yes, there were stories in the old time magazines). We watched some of my dad’s videos. My dad even gave some magazines to my brothers. This all happened while we were children. My mom turned a blind eye to it all and constantly preached to me about purity and waiting until marriage. She even bought me a purity ring. What a joke! It probably would’ve been more effective if she didn’t allow her children to be exposed to explicit material.

With the way I grew up, I find porn to be disgusting and repulsive. It’s a fight I can’t win in our culture. I understand that. But it was not something my kids had access to in my house from my husband or me. It sickens me to think about how big of a part it was in my childhood. It’s like having access to a loaded gun which we had access to too. I had to tell my parents to put away the loaded rifle behind the front door when I brought my young kids around. But that’s a story for a different day. It seems unbelievable how messed up my family is.

Things got worse with my dad. My daughter Angel and her now husband found child porn on my dad’s computer when he was fixing it. I am the daughter of someone who not only is addicted to porn, but to images with children. They went to the police, but nothing really ever happened with the case. My mom left for awhile but now is back and everything is going just great. What does that say to our kids? I’ll tell you what it says. Porn is acceptable. So why not make money off of it? There is no moral compass. No direction, no guidance, no support from the elders. It really makes me angry to think about how this addiction has destroyed my family of origin. It is an ugly and shameful addiction to the point of where my dad took it. I almost wish he was an alcoholic instead so I could go to meetings and get support.

With the exception of Arabella, who lived with my parents for awhile, my dad has not seen his other 4 grandchildren in over 3 years. This has been very confusing for my nieces who are younger. People always ask about my dad and it’s difficult. I have to give a bs excuse to why he isn’t involved. Most of the time I just tell people…no, he is not dead just sick very sick.

My husband’s boundary was to work towards more suitable employment. We want to try to help her out through this difficult time as she is breaking up with her boyfriend and moving out of the apartment they share. Little did we know that worse was on the way which makes this whole issue insignificant in comparison.

Gratitude week 169

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  1. It’s been one of those weeks and I want to think everything that happened worked out for the best.
  2. My son’s girlfriend was having issues with a guy harassing her at work which has been resolved and she is able to keep her job.
  3. I met my friend Jen out for lunch. She had her yearly cancer screen this week and her cancer has not progressed and continues to remain stable which is great news.
  4. This past week I redeemed the spa package I won and had an afternoon of pampering with my daughter Angel.
  5. I got my new glasses.
  6. Volunteering with my husband and going out to eat afterwards with the center’s manager and his girlfriend. We all seem to get along really well.
  7. Paul and I went out to eat with my brother Matt for his birthday along with my mom and his autism group and care staff. I’m grateful that he is involved in a really great program that goes out into the community to work on social skills.
  8. Ladies group.
  9. Paul and I went out to eat and saw a local favorite Pink Floyd tribute band perform.
  10. Tickets to a comedy show.
  11. Angel had her annual work review and they gave her a hefty raise.
  12. I attended a volunteer orientation webinar through the U.S. Fish and Wildlife service to volunteer this summer to do restoration work.
  13. I set up an appointment this week to get my third tattoo.

Diversion

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My daughter was offered a diversion program that would dismiss her criminal charges if she complies with the program. She was charged with 3 misdemeanors. Compliance with the program includes 6 months of absolute sobriety, random drug tests, 20 hours of community service, staying out of trouble, meeting with the program director, and following all doctor’s orders regarding mental health treatment. If there is a positive drug test, she would have to go to an AODA treatment program.

Today my daughter decided to opt out of the program even though we told her multiple times it would be in her best interest to take it. She wants to get a public defender and face her charges. What she doesn’t seem to understand is that if she faces her charges and is convicted, she will have a criminal record where she will have a hard time in the future finding employment and housing. If found guilty, she will most likely face a hefty fine. She may go back to jail. If on probation, she will probably face years of absolute sobriety. If she doesn’t comply, it will most likely be jail time versus a treatment program. My daughter is addicted to weed and says it stops her from self-harming. In all of our neighboring states, she probably could get a prescription for it but not ours. Six months seems like a short time compared to all of that.

Arabella still wants to sue the police and bring down the whole police department for how they treated her in jail. They restrained her in a chair. Before her arrest she was self-harming, physically assaulted her boyfriend, and was making suicidal threats. The police put her on suicide watch and bruised her arms while trying to restrain her. So far no lawyer has wanted to take on her case. I’m not surprised, nor am I paying for a lawyer for something she has no chance of winning. She says she has PTSD and needs treatment because she was never treated worse in her whole entire life. I personally didn’t think it was the worst thing to happen because I want her to be afraid to go back to jail. It’s not a nice place. The only complaint I have is that they wouldn’t allow her to take her medication and that all got messed up while in jail which probably didn’t help.

Arabella also admitted on a recorded line to me that she beat up her boyfriend. I sure as hell hope I don’t have to testify against my own daughter. Her boyfriend wasn’t innocent in this either and is facing a felony and misdemeanor. But he opted to take the diversion program.

My daughter has been spiraling since her and her boyfriend broke up. One night she showed up late wanting to move some stuff back home. My husband and daughter got into a fight about her moving back home since my husband does not agree with some of her destructive life choices. I’m not going to get into that right now. Let’s just say there have been a lot of sleepless nights as of late and it is running me down physically. I’ve been on antibiotics the last couple days and I’m still not feeling good. It’s hard to think right now so I hope this isn’t just one big jumbled up mess.

We don’t want our daughter to move back home. I’m afraid of what is going to happen to me, to us. It was so hard to go through the first time. But we weren’t expecting it then. We feel like we have to at least try to help her.

One week after the police came over from the bogus call someone made on my son’s roommate, I got a call repeatedly from an unknown number. After a couple calls, I decided to answer it. The police were calling. A call from the police is not a good sign. Once again my daughter was on suicide watch and wanted a ride to her friend’s house. Paul and I were disagreeing about what to do. Paul wanted to bring her home and I wanted her to go to her friend’s house. I was almost ready for bed and I wasn’t going to be staying up with her all night but her friend would because they all tend to stay up all night and sleep all day. My husband picked her up and took her to her friend’s so she wasn’t alone for the next 24 hours. This all happened during a snowstorm with really bad road conditions. Because, why not?? At least it gave Paul and Arabella a chance to talk about their fight.

I am very sad my daughter decided not to take the diversion program despite all the advice to the contrary. I don’t know what is going to happen to her now. I don’t foresee this ending well. It is incredibly stressful and I don’t have any control over what she does because she is an adult. I just have a front show seat to a show I don’t really want to go to. I don’t ever see it changing either. It’s been really hard to handle. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t sign up for this. I’m fearful with every phone call and ring of the doorbell. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.