- My son helped me make a beat and that was fun.
- We finally finished our landscaping project we did ourselves and it cost about a quarter of the price we were quoted.
- Summer! It’s been a hot week.
- Angel turned 24 this past week. Paul and I took Dan and Angel sailing for her birthday. We had a lot of fun.
- Angel had her bachelorette party up north this past weekend. Nobody got too crazy and it was a really good time. We went swimming, walked to get ice cream, went out to eat at a supper club with live music, and played games. I got to know some of her friends better.
- The heat wave is finally over and we are back to opening the windows to enjoy the fresh air.
- The wedding shower has been planned and the invites have been sent out in the mail.
- Paul and I are leaving for vacation in a couple of days for our 25th wedding anniversary. I’m excited to check off a couple more states on my bucket list.
- It’s been stressful week, but I think most of the issues have been resolved for now.
Personal
Not seeing the sense
When will the insanity end I wonder.
Earlier this week, I took my mom to an eye doctor appointment. She needed someone with her because she was going to have her eyes dilated and needed a ride home. Once we arrived at the eye clinic, we found out the waiting room was closed to everyone because of COVID. We were given what looked like a restaurant pager and were told to wait in our car until it went off which it did 20 minutes after her scheduled appointment time.
By the time the buzzer went off I was really quite worked up about the whole situation. It was 90 degrees outside, very hot and humid. Next to us was a mom sitting in an older minivan with the windows open and car off. Inside I assume was her elderly mother, a 6 year old, a 3 year old, and a baby in a car seat. The 3 year old was having a total screaming at the top of his lungs meltdown. They looked absolutely miserable.
I was angry the clinic subjected all those people to their hot vehicles versus sitting in an air conditioned waiting room socially distanced dousing on the hand sanitizer donning masks. There wasn’t even an area they could sit outside to wait. How is this helping things?? Having people sit in hot cars to wait without A/C is now apparently saving lives. Hello heatstroke. My gosh, just imagine if someone left a dog sitting outside in a vehicle. They could’ve at least told us to expect that. I brought along a book to read in the waiting room. But instead of waiting in my mom’s car I drove to a store and walked around to get out of the heat. I picked up my mom an hour and a half after I arrived there. I couldn’t justify sitting in the car with it running for that long.
Right before the buzzer went off, my mom had to go to the bathroom. I don’t even know if they would’ve let her in to do that. I was lucky though. It was easy for me to just leave. I couldn’t imagine taking my elderly mom and three little kids. No doubt, I would’ve complained over how idiotic it seemed. It was the eye doctor, not a hospital full of sick people. But it was okay to sit with my daughter in a crowded ER with sick people a couple months ago??
I don’t see how any of this makes sense.
Gratitude week 133
- I changed my cartilage piercing for the first time in two and a half years with no issues, no swelling, and no bleeding like the last time…so after 8 years I think it finally healed.
- Fresh picked cherries and my husband made cherry pie for the first time.
- Summer!
- My birthday week…seriously, I’m all birthdayed out.
- Sailing on my birthday and staying overnight on the boat with Alex and Lexi. It was Lexi’s first time sailing plus her birthday was the day after mine…so lots of celebrating.
- Celebrating my birthday with friends and family over the weekend.
- Going out for lunch and getting a massage with my mom for my birthday today.
- My good friend Lisa quit drinking. I’m happy she is making a healthy choice and is taking care of herself. She is a friend I really worry about especially the last couple years after her teenage daughter died.
- I’m always grateful to be home and sleeping in my own bed.
Up north upset
Why does there always have to be drama with my family??
It started already before we even got up north. I invited my kids and their significant others up north for the fourth. They all said yes. It’s been a family tradition for decades and this was the first time in a long time that all the kids could go. Paul had to work all day Friday. Originally we weren’t going to go up Friday at all, but two out of three of our kids wanted to go up then.
We weren’t going to be getting up north until late. This presented a problem with supper. I was going to be bringing up all of our food and we weren’t going to be up their until at least 8 PM. Dan and Angel and Alex and Lexi were going to be riding up together on motorcycles. They wanted to leave earlier to make sure they were up there before it got dark and had limited room to bring along food. I asked my mom if she had something they could eat when they got there. But she told me they should stop at a bar. Then she said she bought 4 bags of cheese curds for my brother Mark. I was puzzled by our conversation and thought my mom was acting strange. I was also annoyed and wished I had a parent who liked to provide food for her family.
I decided just to make supper for everyone at home last minute. By the time we got up north it was after 8 and my mom was ready to go to bed shortly thereafter. Everyone up there (my mom, my brother Mark, his wife Carla, and brother Matt) was ready for bed at 9. So we moved outside to start a fire and watch the fireworks about ready to start. Mark did not talk to me. My SIL Carla yelled at me to move the motorcycle helmets off the table. That was about it. I felt like they were avoiding us.
During the fire, I found out Mark and Carla were rude to Lexi before Paul and I got up there. My mom asked Mark and Carla if they met Lexi. After being prompted several times, Mark grouchily said yes and walked away. My kids said they did not feel welcomed and that hurt me deeply.
It all started a couple years ago when my mom sent their laptop for Dan to fix and remove pictures from. Dan and Angel found child porn on the computer and took it to the police. That night up north Dan told me he did not feel welcomed by my family. He said it was all his fault too. I gave Dan a hug and told him I was happy he was there and he is not to blame for what my dad did. But Mark and Carla apparently do not feel that way. They treat my dad like the victim and Angel and Dan like they are to blame.
I awoke very early the next morning thinking about telling Carla off. I wanted to tell her about how my dad was abusive towards us when we were kids. I wanted to tell her I couldn’t count on one hand any good memories I had with my dad. I wanted to tell her that he was never nice to my kids, quite the opposite in fact. I wanted to tell her all these things, but didn’t. Maybe things would be different if he was a loving father and grandfather who struggled with addiction.
Instead that morning, Mark, Carla, and my mom went to rummage sales. Carla whipped the car keys at my brother Mark, then yelled at him when he didn’t catch them. I can’t stand how mean she is to my brother, but I’m not sure there is anything I can do about it. Thankfully I see them only a couple times per year.
Also, that morning, my son got ice out of the freezer for his water. Apparently it was Carla’s ice. She yelled at my son saying it wasn’t community ice. My son apologized and said he would buy her some more ice. I wasn’t quite so patient. I yelled as they were going out the door that it was just fucking ice. Later that day they left to go spend time with my dad. The whole experience left me angry, anxious, and depressed for almost a whole week afterwards. I can’t stand when my kids are mistreated for something they didn’t even do wrong. My daughter is getting married in less than 3 months and I don’t even want to invite half of the family I am inviting to the wedding.
Other than that, my kids and their significant others all got along marvelously. It was close to miraculous. I wish I could just focus on that and let the bad slip away. I really have to examine how much time I want to spend with my extended family if they are going to upset me so much.
Gratitude week 132
- Lists, I really like lists.
- Summer!!!
- For the weekend spent on our sailboat.
- I’ve been wanting to go on a jet ski ride for the longest time. I was finally able to check that off my bucket list.
- Our hot tub finally got fixed today! It hasn’t been working for almost two months. It seemed to take forever to get the part we needed to fix it.
- Last week was really hard after spending time with the extended family. I am doing a lot better this week so far…
- It’s my birthday week. I’m grateful for another year of life and am looking forward to celebrating.
- Being back home and sleeping in my own bed after being away for a couple of days.
- Justice! I was running some errands today and I was being tailgated bad. I’ve never wanted to brake check someone more. The guy whizzed by me as fast as he could when he got the chance then got pulled over. It made my day.
- Wildlife. We have been seeing a lot of deer in our yard. We also saw several eagles on our sailing trip and mink with their babies.
Gratitude week 131
- A nice day sailing with my mom, Arabella, and her boyfriend.
- I docked the boat into the slip by myself for the first time.
- Lexi and I went thrifting and I had some really good finds. Two murder mystery games, two books, some clothes, and a variety of records from Billy Idol to organ music by Bach.
- I may have the opportunity to check another state off my bucket list this fall so I’m starting to plan and think about it.
- Fresh picked strawberries.
- Going out to eat and visiting with my friend Jen.
- Summer! This is my favorite time of year!!
- 1200 followers.
- Independence Day! I love freedom and fireworks!
- For two nights of seeing fireworks on the lake and a night of fireworks with friends.
- I’m grateful all my kids came up north a couple of days. They all got along really well and had a lot of fun. It wasn’t quite the case with the extended family, but I’ll save that story for another day.
Gratitude week 130
- My daughter’s future MIL and I got together to plan the bridal shower and the meeting went better than expected.
- The bridesmaid dresses came in for my daughter’s wedding. It’s hard to believe the wedding is a little over three months away.
- Summer! We had a couple of really hot days, so I did break down and turn on the A/C. It’s cooled off quite a bit since then so today the windows are open.
- Paul and I went sailing and the weather was perfect. We were able to spend some time at the marina’s outdoor swimming pool.
- At the marina, I found a book I really wanted to read and finished my book so I swapped them out.
- Yesterday I attended the graduation party for my friend Lisa’s son. We are all grateful he graduated since it was down to the wire. I know how stressful that can be.
- I’m grateful to sleep in my own bed. Lisa said I could spend the night but I decided to drive home instead which meant 4 hours of driving. They were having a lot of people stay over and I have a hard enough time sleeping in my own bed medicated. Maybe it’s a PTSD thing, but if there are other people around I can’t fall asleep. I usually have to be the last person to bed and the first one up which is really hard on me.
- There was a time when I wouldn’t even consider driving four hours by myself. I’m grateful my driving anxiety is pretty much gone. Lately I’ve even been able to drive over tall bridges. These are things I’ve really struggled with off and on over the years. My dad would terrorize us when he was driving us as a kid and I carried that over way too long into my adult life.
- Life in general.
- After our power went out our refrigerator started making this really annoying high pitch shrieking cricket chirping sound. It was driving me crazier than I already am. The funny thing is the younger the person was the more irritating the sound was. Sometimes I couldn’t hear it, but my kids could. Or sometimes I could hear it and my husband couldn’t. The refrigerator also got really hot to the touch in certain areas. There was a problem with the fan and I’m grateful Paul was able to fix it.
Broken peace
Last week Paul and I had our first opportunity to volunteer at a center that offers assistance for families in need. There was someone who sticks out in my mind, a young woman in her early 20’s who was very pregnant. Apparently she usually comes in with another lady who was also pregnant. But this time she came in alone and said the friend she usually comes in with was in the hospital delivering a stillborn baby. It was heartbreaking and I didn’t even know the lady.
Later the volunteer coordinator said to us she would get through it and be fine since she has the Lord to lean on. I really hope so. Does anyone ever really get over the loss of a child? Today it’s been 4 years since my friend Lisa lost her daughter in a car accident. I still worry about my friend. It’s hard to watch her suffer and only have thoughts and prayers to offer.
I don’t know about you, but I am really horrible at having a strong faith in times of trouble. I am pretty good at doubting though. Do our prayers change the heart of God? Does he really care about the continuum of time? The truth is we are all going to die.
I’ve had to accept a lot of things. Sometimes I have fleeting moments of peace. I’ve come a long way from feeling I would never be able to climb out of the despair.
Maybe I’m forever stuck in the loop of viewing my heavenly father as my earthly father. I’m just being honest here. I felt anger towards God. I’ve had to parent my parents since I can remember. Why can’t I just walk away? Why do I feel responsible for them? I never had parents I could go to for support.
When I found out about my dad’s crime and a few months later my daughter attempted suicide, I turned to our pastor for support. But I felt like I was doing something wrong. I didn’t forgive. I wasn’t good enough or have enough faith to be blessed with a healthy family. I took advice from a pastor who had some of the best parents I’ve ever seen. He wasn’t abused. His dad wasn’t a pedophile. He wasn’t dealing with decades of childhood trauma. He didn’t grow up in a household of worry and fear. His childhood gave him good memories, mine gave me PTSD. It was like trying to get marriage advice from a priest. He couldn’t relate.
But somehow I came through it. I made my peace with God. Our new pastor is great, although I know he can not relate. Not many can. Our church has a shortage of pastors. The other day my husband said if he was younger he would’ve liked to be a pastor. I think he would make a great pastor, I would not however make the best pastor’s wife. The sad thing is Paul said he didn’t feel like he would ever be good enough to be a pastor, he is too broken.
But somehow I think it’s better to help others when you have been through it yourself. Between Paul and I, we’ve both been through a lot of hard times and maybe we can use our experiences to help others. It took me two years to get to the spot where I thought maybe I could experience joy in my life again. It took a lot of work. I still struggle. Sometimes I wonder if God cares. If you find you are having a hard time getting by with the little faith you have, you are not the only one.
I wish I had good advice to help other people in our lives who might be hurting. What did I want in my darkest days? What I wanted more than anything was to be left alone, but that also wasn’t healthy for me to isolate myself. It helped to have a couple people to talk to that didn’t treat me like something was wrong with me because they couldn’t understand. My best friend would check in on me every couple of days. Don’t just offer thoughts and prayers, look at me with pity, and go on your merry way. Ask what you can do to help. Say kind things like…I don’t know how you can stay sane. Talk about your problems with me. I felt bad when friends wanted to talk but said my problems are nothing compared to yours.
When I see others struggle with similar circumstances, I try to tell them they are not alone or that I felt the same way they did. I understand why people don’t cut their dysfunctional families out of their lives. It’s because they are a good person. They want to help. They have been conditioned from a young age to have to do things most people have no understanding about. The fear of a parent killing them self and you are the only person who might be able to stop it, fix it can not just walk away. Don’t tell someone who has lost a child to just get over it. There is no timeline for grief.
We can really hurt others with our words. But more importantly, we can offer great comfort and help. That is the true joy of suffering.
Gratitude week 129
- Paul and I bought and planted everything for our landscaping project.
- I put on clean sheets and finally took the electric blanket off our bed.
- Summer! We are expecting the next couple of days to be in the mid to upper 90’s with high humidity. I might have to break down and put on our A/C. It’s rarely ever forecasted to be this hot here. I could probably count on one hand in my lifetime of days where it’s been over 100.
- We had some powerful storms come through our area and were without electricity for almost a day and a half. I’m grateful our power is back on.
- I’m grateful we didn’t sustain any damage from the storm. A couple streets over had a lot of damage, a huge tree knocked down a powerline. My parents have many trees down.
- I’m grateful the boats in the marina are safe. A tornado went through and decimated a farm about a mile away from the marina. We saw the siding from the barn hanging in the tree across the street from it. It’s strange to see so much damage in some areas and none at all in others.
- I’m grateful for running water; the ability to take a shower, flush a toilet, wash clothes and dishes.
- I’m grateful my best friend had power so we could run over all the meat we just bought. I’m grateful for the opportunity to clean out the freezer. Something I’ve been meaning to do for a while.
- I’m grateful for the deafening silence without power. It gave me time to think without distractions. My cell phone died and for awhile I went off the grid like I did when I was a kid.
- My son turned 22 this week, one step closer to full brain development. Ha ha. He woke up to no power, a dead cell phone, not able to take a shower, and we couldn’t go sailing as planned because there was a gale warning. But, all in all, I think he had an okay day anyway.
- I spent some time talking alone with my son’s girlfriend. Her family life was not a lot different from mine. I think I was able to help her out as someone who understands and has been there.
- Paul and I volunteered at a Christian center that helps families in need. They give out free diapers, kids clothing, and support families. We think this is a great way to help people. I’m grateful for the opportunity to volunteer there.
- I’ve been dog sitting for my best friend all weekend. I’m grateful for the opportunity to help out and that it has taken away my desire to get a dog anytime soon. She will not leave my side and barks or whines when I leave her. She scratches on the door if I go in another room.
- Friday night Paul and I went to dinner and a local community theater show with our old friends Harv and Kate. They are in their upper 80’s. It’s always nice to hang out with them.
- Today is Father’s Day. I’m grateful that my husband and brother are wonderful fathers without having good role models. Today is a hard day for people who have difficult relationships with their dads, including me. I was unable to find my dad a card this year. They all had words such as there for me when I needed you, great example, wonderful person…you get the drill. So I suppose a phone call will suffice.
- I’m grateful all our kids stopped by today for Father’s Day. Our daughters (and their significant others) surprised dad by going to church with us. This is the first time our kids visited our new church.
- Wow, I have a long list this week. It’s amazing how grateful I am when I had to go without. There are so many things I take for granted…like running water. This has been a reminder to me of what I have.
Gratitude week 128
- I took an upper level sailing class, and I passed. I wasn’t sure I would.
- As much as I like to get away, I’m always grateful to sleep in my own bed.
- We purchased a quarter cow. I’m grateful to have meat in the freezer from a local farmer. I’m hoping this will save us money at the store.
- Paul and Angel ran a 10k yesterday. It was my daughter’s first time running a 10k and my first time watching instead of running. It was a bittersweet moment. I’m grateful I inspired my daughter to be a runner, yet was sad I could no longer run. It was a strange feeling. I felt nostalgia for the days of running, happiness watching my daughter (and husband) run, a great sadness I will never run again, and a part of me felt relief.
- I’m grateful as a previous runner of the race that I had inside knowledge of the best places to be an observer.
- Spring; warm days and cool nights. I’m trying to go the whole summer without A/C. We’ll see how far I get this year.
- An old friend from college was in the area and stopped by. I haven’t seen her in over 5 years.
- I also got an unplanned visit the same night from my best friend.
- After working two weeks straight, my husband has the next couple days off.
- I’m grateful to go out to eat with family and friends this past week.
- After the race, Paul made his famous homemade pizza.
Outrunning my demons 