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Safe for now

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I feel like I got my daughter back. The daughter I had before everything started. Before the suicide attempts, the cutting, sneaking out late at night to meet up with strangers, the delusions, the depression, the mania, hospitalizations, jail, and all the other struggles I’ve been writing about the past 4+ years. We are getting along better than we have before.

Everything changed once she was on the right medication. At her last hospitalization, they put her on a mega dose of the powerful anti-psychotic Haldol. The doctor has been slowly trying to taper her off the medication. In the beginning her doctor also put her on Lithium as a mood stabilizer. She has been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder which is a mix of schizophrenia and bipolar. After several months, her doctor tried to take her off of Lithium thinking an anti-psychotic would be enough to manage her symptoms. After a week off of Lithium, she started to hear voices telling her to kill herself. Thankfully she communicated what was happening to her with me. I called the doctor’s office and they put her back on Lithium. Once again she was stable.

At the last appointment, the doctor tried to reduce her Haldol. He wants her off of the medication altogether. I asked the doctor if the hospital made a mistake by putting her on Haldol in the first place. He said when Arabella was admitted to the hospital she was very, very psychotic. If a psychiatrist says that it must mean a lot more than usual. They had her on ten times the average dose. That’s why when we visited her in the hospital, we were traumatized to see her because she was shaking and couldn’t talk right. Her jaw was tremoring and her words were slurred. They put her on another medication for side effects of Haldol and that caused her to have vision changes.

At the last appointment, the doctor tried to taper Arabella down to a high dose within the normal range. She didn’t respond well. She started to have intrusive violent thoughts. He decided to put her back on her dose previous to her last appointment. And once again, she is stable and enjoyable to be around. If it was up to me right now, I would like to keep her on the medication she is on now for the rest of her life. But the doctor said that after being on Haldol long term she will very likely have irreversible side effects similar to the ones she had before on the mega high dose. By age 30, the medication that is saving her now will cause her to be physically disabled by her condition.

Is it worth it? We might not have another choice. The doctor said it’s going to be a very long process to get her where she needs to be. But as for right now, it’s wonderful to have my daughter back.

Birthdays galore

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I survived my 50th birthday weekend!!

And what a weekend it was too! I had a three day birthday party bash. It was more of an open house concept which worked really well. Friday night was the big night as I had my son’s band play. The weather was perfect. Saturday I hosted a 70’s costume party. Sunday I hosted a murder mystery party. In lieu of gifts, I asked for donations for two of my favorite charities. The last thing I wanted was a whole bunch of gag gifts like my husband got for his 50th.

Friends and family stopped in when they were available. By Sunday, on my actual birthday, everything was pretty low key. But it didn’t end there. The following day was Lexi’s (my son’s girlfriend) 25th birthday, so we celebrated that too. She wanted everyone to dress goth style which was a lot of fun. Although my son and husband did not want to wear manscara or guy liner. Party poopers! LOL.

But it didn’t end there.. Last weekend was Angel’s birthday. Next week is our wedding anniversary, then afterwards we will be celebrating my son and my mom’s birthday. There is a season for everything. I’ll take a time of celebration over sorrow any day.

Time flies

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Time somehow has a mystical way of slipping through the hour glass. I’ve been thinking about that concept a lot as I am spending the last few days left in my 40’s. Fifty seems old to me. The beginning of the end. The end of the beginning. I never pictured myself growing old. I have some regrets. Not so much for the things I’ve done, but for the things I didn’t do early enough.

I sacrificed my childhood and young adult years worrying about adult problems that really weren’t mine to bear. Childhood was never fun, magical, or carefree. I don’t have good memories to tide me over on the hard days. I had to think for a very long time to come up with one good memory. My good memory of childhood was playing badminton in our yard with my parents and brothers.

I didn’t feel like I had the freedom to live my own life. My mom didn’t want me to leave. She wanted me to stay close by because she needed me. I didn’t realize what I was giving up. I went to the college closest to home. I studied psychology in hopes of becoming a counselor. Then I would be able to SAVE my family from their dysfunction. I could FIX them. I was young enough to think my education would change things. Being a caregiver was what I was good at. I was the 6-year-old who was watching her younger brothers in the lake by herself after all.

I was too stupid and worthless to try other things. That’s what my dad said anyway. My mom said if I tried new things I wouldn’t be perfect and would fail. I totally lacked confidence and self-esteem. I did have other interests such as music, genetics, microbiology, library science, and probation and parole. Some of those programs weren’t offered at the local college. I didn’t even try out the choir because I wouldn’t be good enough.

Fast forward another three decades. My family of origin is just as dysfunctional as it always was. Somehow at times it still is surprising to me because I don’t know how anybody could stand to live that way.

I don’t regret the family I have now. I didn’t waste a lot of my young years in a bad marriage. I love my kids. My husband and I met because we lived in the same apartment building when I was going to college. The good things in my life happened because I stayed close to home. Or maybe it was just the choices I made.

Most young folks stay near/at home for their parents help, not to help their parents. Sometimes I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I left home sooner. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to live your own life guilt free. It’s not your job to rescue your parents. You don’t have the power to fix them. It’s hard enough to change the things you don’t like about yourself.

Time flies.

What to write

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I haven’t been feeling very motivated to write since I finished my book. I say finished loosely because it is going to need more work. Nothing major though. I hope to have it ready to publish by early next year.

I think I need to revisit my goals. What do I want to do next? Try my hand at fiction? Or am I happy to keep writing on a personal blog although with my book it seems like I told everything I wanted to tell. I think I want to keep writing in some capacity, but what?

There are always things going on in my life to write about. I guess I wasn’t meant for a life of mediocrity. Sometimes I am jealous of people who live an ordinary average life who can join groups on Facebook called the dull women’s club. True story, I looked at some of their posts and some people just sit around watching their garden grow. I could only post about watching my plants slowly die.

I figured part of my problem is that I was never shown how to care for plants. My mom got rid of all our houseplants when she went on a kick that my brother Matt was allergic to them all. Last summer I bought a banana plant and the only way it lived over winter was because a friend showed me basic plant care 101.

My grandpa had a nursery when I was young. One day, he pulled out a dying shrub he was going to get rid of. I decided I was going to ‘rescue’ the shrub. So I planted it in my backyard and watered it everyday. One day I went out to water it, and it was no longer dying. It even looked twice its size, green and healthy. It was a miracle, I saved it. But now as I am older I realize my grandpa probably had something to do with my unrealistic expectations about plant rescue.

This is totally going in an unanticipated path. I do have a lot of stories to tell, but we’ll save them for another rainy day. There have been a lot of rainy days as of late. The arthritis in my knee has been acting up for the last week or so. I may soon be able to predict the weather like my relatives of old. My arthritis is acting up, it’s going to rain. How time changes things. Five years ago I would be trying to get in a run before the storm. Now I sit around and complain about how hard it is to walk because my joints can feel the rain coming. It’s hard to think I will never be able to do something again I used to enjoy so much.

Maybe I’m just having another mid-life crisis. I will be 50 in less than a month. It’s hard kissing my 40’s good-bye. Fifty is old. I’ve gained weight. I can’t see worth a crap. Some days I have a hard time getting around. Arthritis. Grey hair. I don’t look or feel young anymore. I’m at an all time low, but it’s not going to get any better. But I’m trying not to complain about it too much because those people are just a drag to be around.

Otherwise, things are going okay. Arabella is stable on her medicine. On Monday, she has a goal planning appointment with her new case manager to help her gain independence. She literally hasn’t visited with friends for weeks and spends her day following me around. I don’t mind all that much. I’m trying to enjoy what time I have with her. She never liked me before so in that way it is kind of nice. I know I’m cool and all, but I want much more for her than that.

My other two kids, Angel and Alex, are not getting along. That has been stressful because I hate feeling like I am in the middle especially with a holiday weekend coming up. Not to mention dealing with the extended family. Then having a party and turning 50 right after that.

I have been feeling pensive and melancholy lately. Maybe I just need a little sunshine.

A different path

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It’s that time of year again…Father’s Day weekend. This year I really lucked out and found a rather generic card. It said something like ‘Ears to you, have a great Father’s Day’. On the front of the card was a picture of a beagle with big ears. I sent it off in the mail yesterday and now I’m done.

It really doesn’t bother me as much anymore that I don’t have the kind of dad I can buy a heartwarming inspirational best dad ever card for. I mean, it sucks, but I’ve accepted that.

Instead, I’m going to put the focus on what matters the most and that is the family I built. I’m going to celebrate the day with the father of my kids. It’s also my son’s birthday on Father’s Day, but we’ll be celebrating that another day.

There is a time to let go and accept what is. It’s not what I would’ve chosen if I had the choice. And when I had the choice, I took a different path.

Mental health awareness month

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Many of you are probably aware that May is mental health awareness month. Maybe you already shared the cutesy memes on social media stating you are a friend that anyone can call day or night. Maybe that is enough for you to feel good to check off your awareness month, and have moved on to planning your pride party for June. Or maybe you also live in Wisconsin and are stocking up on cheese curds for June dairy month. I know, I know…cheesy..

Or maybe you are like me and found out that mental illness is not all that cute. Maybe you or your loved one has already lost the friend that you can call anytime. Mental illness is tough. I’m sure everyone who struggles with it would remove that part of their life if they had the choice. It’s so painful and malignant, that far too many remove themselves from life altogether when it refuses to leave them.

Through NAMI, and talking with other parents whose children struggle with mental illness, I was surprised to find some striking similarities. I am not the only parent whose child attempted suicide. I am not the only parent whose child was incarcerated after a psychotic episode. I am not the only parent whose child, after making abuse allegations, moved in with another family. I am not the only parent whose child hears voices commanding them to end their life and soothing voices telling them how peaceful death is. I am not the only parent whose child has lost a lot of good friends because of their mental illness. I am not the only parent whose child was bullied because they are different.

I could make a much longer list. But the point here is awareness. Don’t blame the family. Don’t blame the mentally ill. Most would choose to change it if they could. Don’t shun them out of ignorance or fear. Treat them as if they have a potentially life threatening form of cancer. Treat them with compassion while being mindful of your own mental health as well.

Be kind to the server who has cutting scars all over her arms. For today, she has successfully battled the voices in her head. She has battled the voices outside her head sending similar messages about her worth. She has many battle wounds but is still alive fighting. That girl is also my daughter. But she could be your daughter as well. Or your son, sibling, parent, partner, neighbor, friend, or yourself.

Be aware that one in five Americans struggle with mental illness.

Life around here lately

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It seems like forever since I wrote about life as it currently is. I don’t know where to start. And now we find ourselves at the end of May. The temperature is slowly starting to climb up and today we face the first risk of severe weather. The air feels charged and I hear the rumble of distant thunder. But for a time I’ve found myself in calm waters.

This past weekend Paul and I went to a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) training seminar to prepare to teach a class for families next winter. It was an excellent educational experience, albeit exhausting. Paul is gearing up for another busy summer running our seasonal business. He had his annual physical a couple weeks back and his numbers weren’t quite where they were supposed to be. Tomorrow he is going in for a CT scan. At this point, we haven’t talked much about it to others and are trying not to worry.

Angel already finished reading the memoir I wrote. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk to her much about it, but I think she loved it. She was happy I shared it with her and if nothing else she has a small piece of her family history. I’m not sure how she did it, but she was able to upload my book onto her Kindle to read it. It was a strange experience to see my book in that format, almost as if I was already a published author. Over the weekend, Angel finished her second half-marathon. She was going to run the full marathon but suffered from an injury earlier this year so is putting the full off until the fall. Dan was going to run the half with her but he also got injured right before the race and couldn’t run. I know she will finish her goal of running a marathon.

Alex just completed his certificates in audio recording and music production. He has been given the opportunity to play in a wildly popular local band. We’ll see where he goes with it.

Arabella has been doing well. She is on a medication regime that works for her. For the first time in her life she considers me a best friend. We have been getting along better than we have ever gotten along before. I’m trying to enjoy the good times with her while they last. It’s been a very long road to get to this point for all of us. Last week Arabella turned 21. Although the doctor said she could only have one drink, the family pulled together and made it a great day for her.

I can’t complain, things are going well and I’m enjoying having a close relationship with all of my kids. That doesn’t mean everything is perfect. I enjoyed Mother’s Day with all my kids and their significant others. It turned out to be a hot and humid day which rarely occurs so early in May. I didn’t have much of an agenda, just church in the morning, yard games in the afternoon, and going out to eat that evening at the restaurant Arabella works at. My brother Matt was sick so my mother came over without him which was nice. If Matt were there, my mom would cater to him and leave early. My mom stayed to go out to eat for supper.

I did find myself annoyed with my mom on Mother’s Day. When we asked if she would go out to eat for Arabella’s birthday, she said she wasn’t going to go because she didn’t like tomatoes. What did that have to do with anything? She ended up changing her mind later in the week and ended up going but I was irritated. We had a long wait to get a table at the restaurant and once again I found myself irritated because there wasn’t a lot of seating in the waiting area. I was annoyed that the young people weren’t offering up their seats for the elderly patrons. It’s a big pet peeve of mine.

All in all, it was a good day. Angel and Dan came to church with us. Angel made some lemon dessert bread which she has to save the recipe for. It was excellent! Paul made us a nice lunch of grilled cheese, tomato bisque soup, and salad. We played bocce ball and jenga (which I lost at twice). We enjoyed the sunny day. Angel and Dan left before supper to visit Dan’s mom. We had a great supper with Arabella as our server. Later in the evening, Paul, Alex, Lexi, Arabella, and I were going to watch a movie. Arabella said she wasn’t feeling the best and wanted to go to bed. Next thing I heard was several big splats from the other room and a call for mom. Arabella threw up all over her bed and the floor. Lexi offered to help me clean up the mess, but I refused.

That’s what being a mom (a parent) is all about, taking the good along with the bad. And hopefully when the storms come, being able to weather them.

The sun is shining now, but I know the storms are coming soon.

Fortune cookie wisdom #53

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Let’s finish this up now, someone is waiting for you on that.

I received this fortune cookie several months ago, or who knows maybe my husband did. At the time, he said it was about finishing my memoir. Well, this past week I finished it. I thought I would feel excited, but I felt rather somber about it. Instead of relishing in the success of completing my goal, I felt like I finished my life’s grand purpose. I spent years thinking about it and working on it. I had the idea in my mind since grade school.

I know it sounds melodramatic, but what will I do next? I want to keep writing. For the first time I considered writing fiction. But at this point I’m really not sure. There is still much work to do to get my book published.

I told my daughter Angel I would let her read my book. I want my husband to read it too. This past weekend my daughter loaded my book onto a flash drive. It makes me nervous to think she will start reading it soon.

Maui, Hawaii

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On Easter morning, we left Big Island and got on a 35 minute flight to Maui.

It didn’t feel like Easter. I wondered how things were going at home. Arabella was spending Easter weekend with my parents. Dan and Angel were spending the day with his parents. But as far as I knew, Alex and Lexi didn’t have anywhere to go. It’s complicated because Angel and Alex don’t want anything to do with my dad (rightfully so) and haven’t seen him in over 4 years.

Then I saw a picture of Alex and Lexi with Angel at her in-law’s house. I was overjoyed they weren’t forgotten. Angel’s mother-in-law even made little candy baskets for my kids and invited them over for their family Easter meal. It was kind of late in the trip, but I felt like everything was going to be alright at home.

It was strange travelling over Easter. The beaches were full, but were they full of locals on holiday or tourists like me? We had 20 people in our tour group when they usually have 40. We were the youngest couple in the group. Even our tour guide was in his 70’s. It was a good trip for him to get his feet wet though. Everyone got along with each other and were pleasant for his first tour.

On Easter evening, our tour group went to a luau. They had a pig roast buffet and free drinks. We watched the hula dancers perform to live music. The dancers weren’t unhealthily thin. They looked like average people. At the end we saw a fire dancer perform. I’m just shocked he didn’t burn the place down or start himself on fire. It was still incredibly windy and we were set up outside. The show was something new and interesting to experience of the Hawaiian culture.

I have to say I absolutely fell in love with Maui. In my mind I started to plan my son’s wedding so we could go back there and enjoy it once again. I know, I know…they aren’t even engaged yet.

The hotel we stayed at was right on the ocean with a sandy beach you could feast your eyes on for miles. There were mountains in the distance. The water was a clear, clean blue. The temperature was perfect. Almost everyone on the beach was a tourist staying in a chain of hotels. We spent two full days on the beach. One day we went snorkeling with sea turtles and saw tons of beautiful tropical fish. On our last day, we even saw a whale. Another first.

Again, the food was mediocre. Spam is a big thing in Hawaii, but you won’t find it on restaurant menus. In a convenience/souvenir shop, Paul found Spam sushi which was basically warm Spam on rice. I tried it and it was great. They didn’t have a lot of specialty drinks either. I did have a guava daiquiri. The flavor was good but it was more like a watery slushy instead of a refreshing cool drink. I did like the Lemongrass Luau beer, very flavorful.

One day we had lunch at the Maui Brewery. Although it was next to the beach, it was very separate from it. You couldn’t just slide in wearing beachwear. I bought a pint glass to bring home as a souvenir.

I saw some seriously disabled people at our hotel. People who had to be pushed around in wheelchairs. I thought it quite unusual until our tour guide said some of the displaced people were staying at hotels. The Maui fires really did a number on a large population of people. After the fire last August, the citizens have not been allowed to go back to their property. The clean up has been stalled and people are very upset about it. We saw encampments along the beach of displaced people living in tents. There was also a community of displaced people living in small construction type trailers so they could be close to work. I’m hoping the people who couldn’t stay in tents got first dibs on the hotel.

As we were leaving, the hotel manager gave us beaded leis and did a good-bye ceremony with us. She told us that not only did many people lose their homes, many lost their lives. She said the island was usually a cheerful place before the fires. But everyone on Maui was collectively mourning the loss of their loved ones or their homes along with everything they had in some way. She said since tourism is how they make a living, a lot of people had to go to work with a smile on their face when they were still mourning. Everything looks beautiful on the outside, but on the inside there is a lot of suffering there.

The people of Maui are strong and will get through this. They have had a tight knit sense of family and community for many generations. They have something special there from living in an isolated area geographically. It’s not as easy to pack everything up and leave.

Visiting Maui was the highlight of our trip to Hawaii.

Oahu, Hawaii

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Waikiki Beach

Paul and I flew into Honolulu directly from Chicago on a nine and a half hour flight. Surprisingly, the flights were all uneventful. Over the course of our trip, we had a total of seven flights. We were meeting with our tour group at a hotel in Honolulu a block from Waikiki Beach. We arrived late on a Tuesday afternoon tired from our travels. We grabbed a quick supper, met up with our tour guide, and took a short stroll on the beach. Waikiki Beach was busy and bustling with people. Skyscrapers lined the streets along the beach. We learned that all beaches in Hawaii are public. There weren’t any places along the beach you could walk up to and grab a drink. Alcohol was not permitted on the beach.

We went to bed around 9PM that first night which was 2 AM at home. Around midnight we were awoken by the sound of alarms going off and a booming voice over the loudspeaker to evacuate the hotel. We were half asleep as we grabbed something presentable to wear and groggily left the room. We were on the 12th floor and the stairwell was packed with hotel guests. The line moved slowly. If there was a fire, we would really be in trouble. In about 20 minutes, we made it down only five flights. No one took anything with them more than a phone. After we made it down to the 7th floor, someone yelled out that the alarm was cancelled. The alarms were still going off and people were getting upset and panicking. Someone yelled down and asked by whose authority was the alarm cancelled. Some people were still trying to get out of the building while others were trying to go back up to their rooms. It wasn’t until the alarms stopped ringing and a voice said over the loudspeaker that the alarm had been cancelled did everyone slowly make their way upstairs to their rooms.

We would’ve been really screwed if there was an actual emergency. There was no way everyone would’ve been able to get out because we were on a middle floor. Not to mention no one seemed to grab their id’s, medications, or extra clothing. Being a country girl, I was feeling a little trapped on the higher floors. But I was too tired to worry much about it.

The next morning we left the hotel early to do some sightseeing on the tour bus. Our main stop for the day was Pearl Harbor. There were a lot of exhibits to see. Paul had to check everything out, but I wasn’t feeling well. At home, I felt like my medications were finally right. But flying seemed to throw everything out of whack. I wasn’t sure I was going to take the ferry ride to the memorial site, but I’m glad I did.

The atmosphere at Pearl Harbor was quite somber. The guide said we should treat the memorial site respectfully like we were at a cemetery. We were to be quiet on the ferry and not use our phones except to take pictures. Afterwards we watched a short film about Pearl Harbor. I never really understood the magnitude of the destruction until I was there to see it. And I still cannot imagine what they went through.

The memorial stood over the place in the water where the U.S.S. Arizona sunk entombing hundreds of men.

The day after the Pearl Harbor tour, we had one more full day left in Oahu which we spent on Waikiki Beach. I had imagined it would be full of surfers riding huge waves, but it wasn’t like that. There were a few surfers but nothing like the 10 foot waves I was thinking I would see. Honolulu was a huge city. Its waters were filled with sailboats and cruise ships.

Waikiki beach at night

One thing we saw right away was a rainbow. We found out that Hawaii is the rainbow state. They have a rainbow on their license plate. We don’t see rainbows that often at home, but while we were in Hawaii we saw at least one rainbow every day.

Being a large city, one thing I found odd about Honolulu was that there were chickens running around everywhere. You could see them running wild on the side of the highway. They have a rather large population of wild chickens in the city. They also have wild boar on the island, but we certainly didn’t see any roaming around the city. Surprisingly the menus in most restaurants were very limited to burgers, pizza, and pork dishes.