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The music mastermind, 2023

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A few weeks back, Spotify unwrapped 2023 came out. This year I listened to 89 different genres. It’s hard to believe there could even be that many.

Here are my favorites:

  1. Rock
  2. New Wave
  3. Alternative Metal
  4. Pop
  5. Hip Hop

I listened to 1,999 songs. I listened for 52,892 minutes which is the equivalent of 36 days straight putting me in the top 4% of listeners. You could say music is a big part of my life since it didn’t even count live music, music on the radio, concerts, albums on my turntable, church hymns, background music in the places I volunteer or shop at, and other people’s music.

My top artists are:

  1. Pink Floyd
  2. Lake of Tears
  3. Type O Negative
  4. Lana Del Rey
  5. Nirvana

My favorite songs are:

  1. In Wait and in Worries by Lake of Tears
  2. Black Brick Road by Lake of Tears
  3. Misery’s Dawn by Evereve
  4. Julia Dream by Pink Floyd
  5. So Fell Autumn Rain by Lake of Tears

Sadly, being the top 0.1% of Pink Floyd listeners, I never saw Pink Floyd in concert. But I listened to every song and watched every movie. I go to tribute band concerts when they are in town. I even got The Dark Side of the Moon tattoo.

Spotify said my listening style was a Mastermind. I’ve never been called a mastermind of anything before. LOL! Here is the description from Spotify of the mastermind: Knowledge is power, listener. Which makes you powerful indeed, as you like to study a wide range of different genres. Clever you. It’s true, I have a large storage of useless music knowledge and can identify songs with just a few notes.

I got my first radio when I was 5 years old and have been listening ever since. When I was a child, I wanted to be a singer. I played piano and even started writing my own music. But the piano was in a central location in our house and when I played my dad couldn’t hear his TV. He would yell at me for singing and composing telling me to stop my caterwauling and likened my singing to that of a dying cat. So I lost all confidence and stopped.

Although people told me a lot over the years that I have a beautiful voice, I spent too many of my early years quiet and depressed. I didn’t bother trying out for the special choirs in high school because my teacher disliked me. I was never picked for solos and even got kicked out of solo and ensemble because my teacher wanted me to be happy and expressive and I wasn’t all that. Looking back, I realize she wasn’t a good teacher with the ability to bring out the best in her students. I wanted to join the choir in college, but by that time I was convinced I sucked at music. Never mind a music degree.

As a young adult, I rediscovered my passion and talent for music and was overjoyed by the encouragement I received. People told me I was wonderful at singing. But I no longer play piano or compose music. I always thought I was a good singer but it was hard to believe in myself when some of the most influential people in my life didn’t believe in me. They didn’t even like the music I liked to listen to and would get angry when I would listen to it around them. I still have a passion for music, but no longer have the desire to sing and perform.

Now what I enjoy more than anything is watching my children succeed at music. Two out of my three kids are musicians. My oldest daughter Angel went to college for vocal performance. She is an amazing singer. She was singing before she even started talking. She has my voice with extensive training behind it. She graduated college with a Bachelor’s degree in Music in 2020 and walked right into an amazing job. Getting a job in the field with a music degree is almost unheard of, especially in 2020 when quite a few performers found themselves unemployed.

Angel is currently working full-time as a Recording Artist. She sings for a company that makes rehearsal tracks for choirs and schools. She also edits some of their music. It’s a very prestigious dream job for her. There’s a good chance if you are listening to a rehearsal track, you will be hearing my daughter’s voice. Sometimes she lets me listen to some of the songs she is working on and I just love hearing her sing. Although she doesn’t perform on stage anymore, since her job is very demanding of her voice, she also volunteers at the local community theater to help the performers learn their vocal parts.

My son Alex is going to school for Music Production and Audio Recording. He also performs in two bands. He eats, sleeps, and drinks music. He created over 600 original tracks and set up a small recording studio. He is also gifted with instruments and can easily take on how to play them. His main instrument he is phenomenal at playing is the saxophone. I’ve also heard him play the accordion, guitar, and can play intricate pieces on the piano by ear. His professor just won a Grammy and wants to do private lessons with him in the professor’s recording studio. I’m excited to see where it leads him.

Right now I am a passionate listener. I am enjoying my children be passionate about music and watching them grow with the opportunities I never had.

The darkest day of the year

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It’s been unseasonably warm here in Wisconsin. It looks like we will set an all time high record on Christmas day. No white Christmas for us this year. We barely had any snow fall yet. It doesn’t feel like Christmas is just a few days away.

Today on the darkest day of the year, I always think of my great-uncle Harold. He would’ve been 98 years old today. Every year on his birthday we would go to his house and celebrate with him. There would be steaks and pineapple upside down cake. Aunt Grace would serve food on the multi-colored Fiesta plates, the only day of the year they would leave the pantry. It was one of the few days we saw Harold laugh and tell stories. Most of the time, he was next door working on cars at the family business.

Harold died unexpectedly the year Paul and I got married. I remember the last time I saw him. Paul and I were visiting my family to tell them the exciting news we were going to have our first child. We were able to tell everyone except Uncle Harold. He was outside working on a car while talking to clients. We didn’t want to interrupt him so we asked Aunt Grace if she could share the news. That was the last time I saw him alive.

We never really know how much time someone has left. If I knew, maybe I would’ve waited longer to talk to Harold. I think that is where a lot of my irrational guilt kicks in. If I’d only known, I could’ve done something different. I’m starting to let go of things, but it takes time to process. I couldn’t prevent the suffering of the people I care about and that hurts.

I tried reaching out to our previous employee today. But it was too little too late. I haven’t seen her for 5 years and I thought I could do something to prevent her from struggling with addiction, from committing a crime, and even from the attempt I think she tried to make on her own life? I want to help people. I want to fix them but I can’t. It’s as if I am wanting to play God and even He does not step in to keep people from physically dying and making their own choices.

I am feeling a lot better today. I wasn’t feeling the greatest yesterday, but I decided to volunteer yesterday and I’m glad I did. For awhile I forgot about my own pain. I spent a half an hour holding the baby of a homeless teen mom. He brought me joy as I held him and made him laugh. The mom needed clothes for her kids and was on her last diaper. She is a single mom living in her car with a two-year old and a baby. We had a record number of people who came in needing help yesterday.

Yesterday we had a new woman sign up for help from Africa. She is a single parent who recently came to America. She doesn’t speak any English and has zero education. She lives in a bad neighborhood. What really struck me was that there were several women from the same community that only speak Swahili. They are all parents between the ages of 20-25, the ages of my own children. I can’t even imagine what that must be like and to have absolutely no education. There is a language barrier with a lot of families that come in. It’s my goal this new year to become fluent in at least one other language starting with Spanish because I do know a little from high school, like way back from the last century.

There was a woman who came in that got arrested last week for child abuse. Ever since my own daughter was arrested, it’s really changed my view of criminals. Offering to help someone in need does not equate with me agreeing with the choices they make. They are people too. I am not afraid of them as much anymore. But that doesn’t mean I would walk down an alley by myself at night in a bad neighborhood.

Then there was the lady who stayed at the domestic abuse house. There was the lady that didn’t know she was pregnant with twins until two months before they were born. The people who reek of alcohol, cigarettes, and weed. The mentally ill. The intellectually challenged. Those who are going back to school to try to build a better life. The grandparents raising grandchildren.

I can’t go back and change anything in the past. But I can move forward and help people today.

The places I volunteer at are really hurting for volunteers over the holidays. So I decided to sign up at the places the next two days. Tomorrow helping families in need and Saturday at the cat sanctuary. I almost enjoy holding the cats as much as I enjoy holding babies. I especially love the feral cats or the cats that don’t warm up well to other people.

Maybe I can do some good to negate some of the bad in the world.

Wishing for change

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It’s been a stressful start to the holiday week. Yesterday my colitis started to flare up. Thankfully, I was able to take it easy yesterday and today. But tomorrow is another story. I’m scheduled to volunteer twice this week. We are going to celebrate Christmas Eve with my best friend and her family. The kids will be here Christmas day. The following week is pretty much the same. My best friend’s birthday, a Christmas party here with my siblings and family, and friends over New Year’s Eve. I really don’t have time to be sick.

I’ve been feeling stressed out, but not about the holidays and the parties. Last week a previous employee of ours at the business we sold got arrested. It hit me hard. She is going through a really hard time with the loss of several close family members, got into addiction, and made some bad choices that hurt herself and other people. It’s a different story when you see someone you know on the nightly news. Much more personal. People are judging her harshly, but they only know a little of what was going on. This person was very supportive towards me when my daughter was in jail. But to be honest, I don’t want to get involved. I knew she needed help, but I couldn’t help her.

Over the weekend, we had our extended family Christmas party with my mom, her siblings, and their families. My mom got lost again getting there. She started crying when she saw some people. It’s becoming more apparent my mother is slipping into dementia. It’s really hard to face. She is taking care of my dad who cannot walk whom most of the family is estranged from. Plus she is the guardian of my disabled brother. Everything is a huge mess. I think I will have to have some difficult conversations with my brothers next week. I’m the oldest and the one who lives the closest, so a lot of the problems are going to fall on me.

I don’t want to get pulled into other people’s toxic situations when I am not feeling all that healthy myself. Things are going good with Arabella now, but I don’t think it’s always going to be that way. Yesterday her probation officer said she wasn’t allowed to date. If she does go out somewhere with someone, she is supposed to let him know. I think it’s a great rule, but I don’t know how it’s going to be enforced. I never thought it was a great idea to meet up with strangers online. She probably goes on somewhere around two dates per week.

Dealing with all of these issues that are really upsetting to me is not a really great way to handle stress. Some good did come out of it. With the situation of my previous employee, one of my other previous employees reached out that I haven’t heard from in 5 years and we are planning on catching up some time after the holidays.

I plan on reaching out to our previous employee to offer her support. I really feel horrible about the whole thing and wish there was something I could do. There is a part of me that feels guilty as if I could have prevented or changed things. But that thought is not rational. I just want to fix things by removing the suffering, but I’m experienced enough in life to know there is nothing I could’ve done.

My brothers are competent guys. I’m sure we can come up with a good plan of what the next steps are with my parents. I just wish it wasn’t this way, but wishing never changes things.

Sitting in the muck

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It’s hard to believe the first half of December is over already. A few days ago, I finished writing my book. Now hopefully no new traumas happen like the first time I finished my book. After that, I ended up rewriting most of the book I earlier finished. I’m going to take a couple weeks off and come January I will start the editing process. I’m going to try to blog more often again.

It’s been a busy month as most Decembers are. I am ready for Christmas though. The gifts are all bought and wrapped. Now I just have to get ready to host several parties in the next week or so.

Last weekend we got together with Paul’s step-dad Darryl, his fiancé, and another couple we haven’t seen in about 20 years. Darryl’s fiancé’s dad passed away back in May. He was in his mid-90s. Darryl’s fiancé is still feeling a lot of grief over his loss. It’s hard for me to understand her level of grief as he lived a very full life. Her therapist told her she needs to go out more. So we went out and had a really nice time visiting and catching up.

I was starting to feel a bit jealous. Not only did Darryl’s fiancé have a great relationship with her dad, but her therapist told her to go out more. I wish my therapist would say things like that. Last week my therapist told me to sit in the shit. She said I needed to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Why can’t I be told to go out more and have more fun in my life??

The last of November

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It’s hard to believe it’s been a whole week since Thanksgiving came and went.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. Angel came home for a couple days while her husband was hunting. She had Wednesday off of work and came along with Paul and I while we volunteered helping families in need. Thanksgiving morning Paul and Angel got up early to run a local race. Then we had friends and family over for the evening meal. Everyone was on their best behavior. No drama, and almost everyone offered to help me with the cooking and clean up afterwards.

No one stayed really late as some of the guests had to work the next morning. Paul, Angel, and I went to listen to some of Alex’s new music he created for school. We had a great time talking and visiting. Arabella wasn’t very involved in the family celebration. While we were visiting later that evening, Arabella went out to meet someone from an online dating site. The guy told her he had to go to the ER. She drove an hour and sat outside the hospital for hours, then finally came home. The guy said he was sorry and wanted her account info so he could send her money for having to wait. Then Arabella came home and ate the rest of the deviled eggs I made, around a dozen which upset the rest of us. She tried to meet up closer to home with the guy the next day, but he did the same thing again making her wait. Once she said she wasn’t going to wait any longer, the guy ghosted her. She figured it was a scam and thankfully didn’t give out any of her account info. But it did cost her time with her family.

Friday morning Paul, Angel, Alex, and I went Christmas tree shopping at a nearby tree farm. Arabella didn’t want to get up early to go with. We had a great time anyway. It’s wonderful to have adult children in the area who still want to have family time even though they are all grown up. Angel had to leave shortly after we got back, but Alex stayed all day and hung out. After his girlfriend got done with work, we decorated the trees. We got two trees, one a traditional tree and one was a sparkly purple tree. Thankfully our new pets don’t seem too terribly interested.

Saturday was when things took a turn for me. I was so exhausted I had to take an hour nap in the morning and another hour nap in the afternoon. Everything seemed so perfect that it was such a letdown when it was over. I became irritable and there was some fighting, and crying on my part. Then I went to bed an hour early and slept 9 hours which is very unlike me. I thought something was wrong and was convinced it was the medicine I’m taking. The next day it was the same thing, napping in the morning and afternoon.

By the evening, I was in full blown PTSD. I was having flashbacks to childhood and feeling terror and fear towards my dad. I was so scared I wanted my grandma, but my mom wouldn’t let me go. My eyes darted back and forth and I cried a lot. These attacks don’t happen very often, but I felt very similar to when I was having the pseudo seizures earlier this year. I did some research and it seems it is not uncommon for people to struggle with both PTSD and pseudo seizures.

I think I was triggered by several things. First, it was the anniversary of when my daughter found child porn on my dad’s computer. It was the beginning of one of the darkest periods in my adult life. Two months after that was Arabella’s first suicide attempt and her descent into serious mental illness. I was reading a book about Borderline and was irritated she didn’t make the effort to spend time with family. Second, there is a commercial where a Santa character looks exactly like my dad. I even saw it yesterday while I was getting gas at the gas station. Apparently, it’s unavoidable.

I am feeling much better now. It usually lasts two days and then it goes away. This was the first time Paul sat with me through an episode.

What’s happening – 11/15/23 (Legacy)

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Today we enjoyed an unseasonably warm fall day to take the puppies for a walk. This morning I had my lab appointment for a blood draw for my annual physical tomorrow. I’m not expecting any surprises. The pool guys also came out this morning to check out the problem with the hot tub. They couldn’t do diagnostics on the problem because our equipment is 30 years old. We will most likely have to update the control panel which now controls everything including the lights and audio system from a cell phone. Right now the sound system is ancient and works erratically. Half the lights are burnt out. We have some really nice outdated and expensive to update equipment. Yeah!

Several days ago, Arabella woke us up in the middle of the night knocking on our bedroom door. One of the switches broke in the bathroom she uses. When she flipped the switch, the bathroom fan did not go off, and smoke started coming out of the switch. We had another switch a couple years back that burned the plastic and a kitchen light that continuously flickers like a strobe light. I’m not sure about the wiring in this house. I really wish I would’ve seen our house in its youth.

Last week my therapist said I was starting my second half of life. Much like my house, I still wish I was in my glory days. I got old too fast. I never pictured myself being old. Why is it when you are going through something, you think it will always be that way? I always imagined myself remaining young and healthy. I never thought my vision and hearing would start to go.

I took good care of myself and never thought my health would decline as much as it did. I thought I would be running forever. I never thought my brawn would be gone. When things I used to do with ease now take so much energy I don’t seem to have.

Once voted by my senior class to most likely be a supermodel, I never thought my beauty would fade. I never thought my figure would slip. Yesterday I was talking to someone close to my age asking if I remembered when I was skinny but thought I was fat. Back when I was so self-conscious of my body not realizing I was going through the best looking years of my life.

Reminiscing about rotary phones because they worked so much better. Remembering the phone number of a relative that died 20 years ago but not knowing my kid’s cell numbers. Remembering trips to the library to glean every little bit of knowledge. Thinking useless thoughts like remembering when stores announced over the speakers that so and so with license plate number XXX-XXXX left their lights on. Complaining about how easy kids nowadays have it. Wanting to sit while the younger folks stand. Wishing I could just hold a baby in my arms again.

As I feel the end of autumn approaching, I know I’ve had my years in the sun. I was once young and beautiful. I went to college and had a career. I raised my children. I accomplished the goals I set out to do, such as run a marathon. A lot of things already happened in my life, some of my choosing and some just the twists and turns of life.

Now I have wisdom and experience. My therapist also said I have time and financial security, something I didn’t have a lot of before. Then I had responsibilities. Now I just have to worry about me. The second half of life doesn’t have to be the same as the first half of life to be fulfilling. Like my husband said, I don’t have to climb the mountain to see the mountain. Although there is sadness leaving behind the younger me, I can’t stay stuck in the past. Just my personality, I love thinking about the past and following traditions.

This past week my husband said not to focus too much on the past but now is the time to think of the legacy I want to leave. I think his words were very inspirational to me. What do I want to pass on to future generations?

This afternoon Angel and Dan returned home from their 1st anniversary trip to St. Lucia. I suggested the location and gave them advice on where to go and what to do. My husband and I visited the beautiful island 10 years ago. It was amazing to see their photos from some of the same locations we had photos taken. At age 25, they look so young, vibrant, and full of life. It felt good to help guide them using my experiences. Angel is also planning on running her first marathon next year. It feels wonderful that she is following in my foot steps.

This week I’m thinking how I can do my part to leave this world a better place by leaving a legacy worth passing down.

What’s happening this week – 11/9/23

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Hello! I think this time of year is always one of the hardest thinking of the winter ahead. I can no longer trick myself into thinking it is summer because the warm days are gone along with the healthy summer glow. With the time change, the skies are dark at 5 PM. All I want to do is sleep or eat like I’m preparing my body for hibernation.

I haven’t been feeling the best either. Some days I can really tell I have an ulcer with the stomach upset and nausea. The last several days have been cool and rainy. My joints ached like crazy. My whole body seemed locked down in pain and I just felt tired and crabby. It’s hard to believe the weather can affect how I feel physically. It doesn’t seem logical. There is still a mourning process to everything. Five years ago I ran a 50k. Now there are some days where walking up the steps feels like climbing a mountain. The whole experience has really humbled and changed me.

This week has seen it’s fair share of problems. This past weekend, the hot tub stopped working. The jets made a clicking sound and turned on and off by themselves. It sounded like the motor was going to burn out. I haven’t been able to find someone to fix it yet. One evening Paul and I came home to a strange noise downstairs to find water shooting out of the back pipe of the toilet. Several rooms were flooded including Arabella’s bedroom. At least it was clean water and it wasn’t from the leak Paul fixed a couple weeks ago. One of the dogs has a red swollen eye. I’m hoping it’s nothing serious. Best case scenario is the cat got him and he will learn his lesson about chasing cats. I don’t want to think what worse case scenario is. This morning I caught the dogs pulling stinky algae encrusted dead leaves out of the stagnant water of our decorative pond, fighting over them, and then gouging them down. Gross!

Arabella finally was able to get back on her health insurance and went in for a check up to get some of her medications reissued. She has been coughing quite a bit lately. I’ve been jokingly telling her she needs to quit smoking. Turns out she ended up testing positive for strep. I’m not surprised she started a new restaurant job and is sick already.

Angel and Dan left earlier this week for their honeymoon/anniversary trip to St. Lucia. It sounds like they are having a wonderful time. I was the one who suggested the location since it’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever been. I was able to give them a lot of tips and ideas about travelling and what to see while they are there. Paul and I are very jealous and long to be in the Caribbean sun right about now. I’m really happy for them they can experience travelling while they are young and carefree.

Because of my health, I’m fearful of the best travelling years window starting to close. It happened so much faster than I was ever expecting. My husband said the other day instead of climbing mountains, we can still view them. There is some truth to that.

This week I started writing my memoir again. I am a lot further along then I thought I was. I probably only have a couple weeks left until the writing is finished and the editing begins. I am excited about this. But what happens after? I would like to keep writing but don’t have any more big goals.

What’s happening-November 1, 2023

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It’s hard to believe November is here already. This morning we broke down and turned on the heat. Yesterday we received our first snowfall of the season. Not the best day to go trick or treating. Not that I worry about it anymore. The kids have grown and we live in an area, although I bought candy and turned on the lights for two years in a row, no one knocks upon the door. This year I did not buy candy and instead volunteered at the cat shelter. Today I finished my yard work. For the life of me, I don’t know why I waited this long.

Yesterday I had my GI follow up appointment. Turns out I do have an ulcer. My colonoscopy results were not normal either this time and back in 2020. They are not sure what is wrong but think I might be in the early stages of ulcerative colitis. For now they put me on acid reducing medication and I have to follow up in January to do another endoscopy to see if the ulcer is gone. I know I’ve had ulcers before because I’ve had this pain several other times in my life. Once was during childhood. I pretty much quit eating because my stomach hurt so bad. My parents threatened to take me to the doctor but never did. Once was right before I did a marathon.

I’m thankful to have a vigilant doctor. Sometimes I worry that it is all in my head like the seizures I was having. I have to be less hard on myself when my body is less than perfect.

I’m planning on hunkering down and writing more starting next week. I always worry about what I am going to do once I finish my book. But life has a funny way of giving me more to write about.

What’s happening this week 10/26/23

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It’s been dreary and non-stop raining all week. We had a couple thunderstorms and torrential downpours. The rain came down so hard it flooded Arabella’s room downstairs. What a mess! This is the third time the room flooded since we’ve been here. The first time it flooded, it was Alex’s room and a couple hours later we needed to be ready for my uncle’s wedding. The second time, the room was vacant. This time though I think Paul figured out the problem. But early that morning he was outside digging a trench in the thunderstorm to keep more water from pouring in.

There is always something that needs fixing around this ancient mansion. Last week the industrial humidifier died which is going to be a costly replacement. We might have to keep our indoor pool covered for quite awhile until we can figure that problem out. I know, first world problems.

Other than some house related stuff, everything is going really well. Paul has been diligently training the dogs and pretty soon with the invisible fence system they will be able to roam our yard. The dogs and cats are not on the best terms yet, but that could take awhile.

Arabella went in for a job interview earlier this week. They hired her on the spot and she started working the next day. I am thankful she was able to find employment. It seems like they will give her plenty of hours. So far the job is going great. They weren’t too worried about her record when she told them either. They told her they have people working there on the bracelet. My son’s girlfriend works in a restaurant as well. From the stories they tell me, you would be surprised how many restaurant workers have criminal records. As for right now, Arabella is doing the best we could expect of her.

I also found out since my son’s car is over fifteen years old, he doesn’t need to have an inspection after fixing up his totaled car after someone ran a red light and smashed it. For that I am overjoyed. The inspection is a rigorous process. They need receipts and very detailed documentation we didn’t have. Apparently, they are more concerned about newer cars with stolen parts not how safe the car is to drive on our roads. With that being said, Alex is now driving his car and not borrowing mine. He just started his second quarter of classes at the tech school. He absolutely loves school which is something I would’ve never dreamed of in a million years.

Angel is doing very well too. We had one of her friends over this week for a test run of a cookie decorating class she wants to teach. I’ve discovered I am not an artist. I just don’t have the patience for arts and crafts. I always blame it on being left handed. But the truth is, I am not very patient to sit around and putz with things. It was fun to try something new and the cookies taste great. Her friend is very talented and I ordered some of her treats and cookies for Paul’s birthday party. It’s nice she wanted to do a test run with my family.

I’m grateful my kids are in a good place right now. I am going to enjoy it as much as I can before the winds change.

I’m pretty much ready for winter. It’s so hard to believe it will be November next week. We are expecting a cold front to come in after all this rain stops. Maybe the next time I talk about the weather, we’ll have our first snow flurries. This week I finished washing the windows and taking off the summer screens. I want to get started on a landscaping project before the snow falls and rent a dumpster for the fall purge. Then I will hunker down for the winter and do a lot of writing.

Photos of the new pets

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Here are the pictures of our new pets I have been promising to post:

Here is a really cute picture of our Beagle puppies. They love playing together in the yard with toys, sticks, or anything they can find.

Here is a picture of my rescue cat. If you look at his paws, you will notice he is polydactyl. He is full of sugar and spice. Today I entered a writing contest about my cat and I to try to win a $100,000 grant for the pet shelter I got him from. It’s a real long shot, but why not?