family

A harsh winter is on the way

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Just like that, the holiday season has begun. Winter weather came along with it blowing its harsh cold winds. We have snow on the ground and had a few days of subzero wind chills.

We hosted Thanksgiving here which turned out being very busy with a total of 18 people. The weather was very cold and I am thankful Angel and Paul decided not to run the Turkey Trot in order to help me out more. I didn’t ask them to forgo the race to help me, but I couldn’t have done it without their help. They helped me pick up my mom and Matt to bring them to the party. I didn’t know it yet, but my mom’s health had declined since I last saw her.

I dished up my mom and Matt’s food, giving my mom easy to eat foods and Matt whatever he wanted. My mom didn’t even notice this time when Matt ate foods she wouldn’t let him eat. This was confusing to Matt. He didn’t understand why he didn’t get angry when he ate foods with gluten. He asked mom if it was okay and she didn’t respond. I told Matt that God had healed him and now he can eat whatever he wants and be fine. Matt said some day mom would be healed when she goes to heaven. Matt said he would have lots of energy when he gets to heaven and that he would be able to run very fast. Oh, to have the faith of a child and be ignorant of everything around me.

My best friend’s family also celebrated Thanksgiving with us. The youngest member of their family arrived in late summer. I spent some time holding the new baby and feeling jealous of my best friend who now has 4 grandchildren and another on the way. I spent the weekend after Thanksgiving working and this past weekend we had our first Christmas party with my mom’s siblings and their families.

It was a difficult family party because everyone there spent some time saying good-bye to my mom. It will very likely be the last Christmas we spend with her. My mom didn’t talk a lot but when she did it didn’t make much sense. She told everyone she died on her birthday. And in some way she sort of did. Back in August, she was angry with me and agitated she wasn’t in control. Now she doesn’t seem to even care. She needs help going to the bathroom and even eating. We had a heck of a time getting her in and out of the vehicle. I wasn’t even sure we would be able to convince her to go anywhere.

My mom is almost gone now. The family has been coming to say their good-byes. I’m going to try to see her as much as I can before she is gone. In many ways, I wish we knew what was going on much sooner. Maybe we would’ve been less frustrated with her inappropriate behavior. I can’t pinpoint when my mom first left us, but she has been gone for several years now. It started so gradually, but now the time is going fast.

Visits to the ER

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Over the past week, three family members went to the ER. Four, if you consider I work in the ER.

The first one to go was my mom. I received a phone call from the assisted living facility saying my mom’s face and lips were swollen. It appeared she was having an allergic reaction of some sort. They wanted to know if I could pick her up and take her. Because I live about an hour away, I declined as I thought she would need to go in long before I was able to get there. We are not sure what caused the reaction, but she was able to be treated and released. They did notice swelling in her legs too which caused them concern about her heart.

The second one to go to the ER was Arabella. It was dark outside and she twisted her ankle as she fell into a large pothole in the driveway of her boyfriend’s apartment complex. She was having a hard time walking and thought maybe she fractured her ankle. Just a week before, she also fell at work. She was wheeling a high chair back to where it belonged when it got caught in the carpet. She fell against the high chair into a wall. Not only did she have fresh bruises, but she had bruises from another fall a week before. The ER team gave her boyfriend suspicious looks, but he had nothing to do with it. She ended up with a sprained ankle.

The third one to go to the ER was my dad. He fell and by some urinary symptoms he was having, they thought he had another UTI. He ended up being admitted into the hospital. In the process, they found a large mass on his kidney which most likely is benign. My dad was weak, confused, and needed IV antibiotics. If I was close to my dad, I would’ve been there even if it was a long drive and I had to take off of work. But I’m not. I didn’t even tell my kids because they wouldn’t care. It’s harsh, I know. In normal families, there would be crying, prayers, and support. I see this all the time in the ER. And I also see people who through their own actions have pushed everyone away like my dad did.

My dad is back at the assisted living facility.

Because of the parent I am, I know I won’t be dying alone if I’m spending my last moments in a hospital. Maybe there is justice to reaping what you sow for better or worse.

Mid November update

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As of right now, we are keeping our heads above water. Life has settled down since the last time I wrote. Alex is more stable. He has been seeing a therapist which is something he was vehemently against in the past. So that is a step in the right direction I guess. He has been a man of few words, at least with my husband and I anyway.

My brothers and I started the process of cleaning out our parent’s house. What an overwhelming task! The one time we got together we barely made a dent in everything. I’m not sure when we are going to be able to get together again to go through everything.

In the meantime, Paul and I rented a huge dumpster for our own house. We got rid of the couches the dogs chewed up among other things. We are not going to be leaving a huge mess behind for our children to clean. It feels good to purge, clean, and declutter. Today I dropped off a trunk load of previous treasures to the thrift store. Some of the items I got rid of were gifts from Alex’s old girlfriend. It was time as they broke up over a year ago. And guess who ended up working at the thrift store and taking in my donations?? Alex’s old girlfriend! I wonder what she thought when I was getting rid of the stuff she gave me, like the cat cookie jar. Or the dress I let her borrow to wear for my daughter’s wedding. In an odd way, it really felt like closure to me.

My husband just accepted a new seasonal position doing tax work. He also decided to start a new career this year. Right now he has been diligently studying and learning everything he can.

I started taking medicine for high blood pressure. I feel old now that I am into my 50’s. But most of the time I don’t care as much about things that I used to think were important, so it evens out.

We suffer alone together

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And so it begins again. This time with a different child.

Five loud raps on the front door, and the baying of the hounds. Something seemed wrong, but I couldn’t tell if I was awake or dreaming the whole thing. I heard his voice, arguing with someone. What is going on I thought as I dragged myself out of bed and towards the door.

The police were here, my son pleading with them he was fine and they should leave. He saw that I was up and became angry they woke me up. What is going on? Why are the police here in the middle of the night? The officer said they were here for a welfare check on my son. Someone called to tell them my son was planning on ending it all that very night. Alex was arguing he was fine and didn’t want their help. I ran to the bedroom to wake up my husband.

He wasn’t fine, my son. He was drunk and suicidal. I took him aside in another room as my husband spoke with the police. He told them he would stay with our son. We spent the next hour and a half listening. My son said he couldn’t do it anymore, live. He spent most the night curled up on the floor sobbing.

He was scaring his friends. Getting drunk and walking in the middle of the road at night. Wanting to borrow a gun. Talking about death and loneliness. They didn’t know what to do. Some contacted us, someone called the police, and most just walked away. I went to bed. My husband stayed up all night. Alex fought and made it through the night but missed his work meeting in the morning.

I had a restless night’s sleep and got up for work like usual the next morning. I didn’t tell anyone or talk about it because these kind of illnesses no one brings a casserole for. He was embarrassed and ashamed of his fight with the demons no one else can see on the inside outside.

Through this we suffer alone together.

He lost his job last week. Fired.

We long for the best and fear for the rest.

I hope he can hear our offerings over his cries for help.

Assisted living

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I scheduled an appointment to visit an assisted living facility with my parents after my mom’s birthday in early August. They had two immediate openings for two rooms next to each other with a shared bathroom. They were willing to take both my mom and dad, although my mom needs memory care and my dad has a physical disability. We jumped at the opportunity. Finally a windfall!

My aunt threw a birthday party for my mom on her birthday which I attended. My mom expressed anger with me at her party for allowing my brother, whom I am guardian of, to have an unrestricted diet. It was all very awkward, being reprimanded by my mom in front of everyone in a public place. I told my mom we could talk about it later but at the moment we were there to have fun and celebrate her birthday.

My SIL also threw my mom a birthday party at the family cabin. It would probably be the last time she goes up to the cabin and maybe the last birthday she will be somewhat cognizant for. That in and of itself was depressing. Once again, my mom expressed anger towards me about Matt. I helped Matt make a plate of food for himself and my mom took half the food I put on his plate and threw it in the garbage. She was upset I forgot to bring his applesauce for him to take his pills. I also forgot a few other things I had no idea she wanted me to bring. She was so upset she wanted to leave.

Then last weekend arrived, the weekend my parents were set to move in. On Saturday we went up north and closed down the cabin for the season. Then my brothers and I sat down and talked for several hours about the plan going forward. What are we going to do with the house, cabin, their vehicles, finances, cleaning out the house, etc. My brother Luke said he was living off his faith to get through it. I said I was burning off my anger. It’s hard to have to grieve your parents while they are still alive, even more so because my relationship with my parents is complicated. I feel a lot of anger about how I was treated in the past and how the mess they made, we are going to have to clean up. Because of their hoarding tendencies, I think it’s going to take years to clean out the house. I hope I am wrong.

Then moving day came along. We went to my parents house to load up some of their belongings. My mom kept grabbing things to put in boxes. My SIL took them out and put them back. I decided to go outside with my mom to keep her out of their hair. My mom wanted to take a walk to her church down the road. I was the last one to walk with my mom down the only road that I could remember her living on. My mom stopped along the way to pull out weeds along the ditch. She carried them over to to a grassy area on an uneven pathway. I was afraid she might lose her step.

When we got to the church, mom wanted to walk around the cemetery and talk about people who died. I saw the gravestones of my ancestors and familiar names. My mom asked if I knew them, the graves of my great-great-grandparents. I said I did, but I didn’t really. I softly cried on the walk. My mom was always a fast walker, and I had to struggle to keep up. But this time she shuffled along and I was afraid she might not have the strength to make it all the way back.

This time my mom was kind towards me, almost childlike. I watched her say good-bye to her house, the only house I’ve ever seen her live in. The grief slipped from anger into sadness. My mom is gone now. She is leaving more and more every day.

17 thoughts

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This summer has been very busy and unfortunately I haven’t been able to set aside as much time as I would’ve liked for writing. Here is a summary of what has been happening which may or may not lead to future posts about the events.

  1. My mom’s POA was activated after a diagnosis of frontotemporal dementia.
  2. I set up a tour for my parents of an assisted living facility. They will be moving in this weekend.
  3. My brothers and I will be meeting over the weekend to make some hard decisions about what to do with my parents properties, vehicles, belongings, etc… As my parents are hoarders, this could take more than a year to straighten this mess out.
  4. I am still dealing with guardianship issues with my brother Matt in terms of his finances and health. My mom has been very angry with me that I am allowing him to have a diet with no restrictions. There will probably be more about this in a later post.
  5. Arabella broke up with her boyfriend. It was more of a mutual breakup and they left on good terms.
  6. Arabella has less than a month of probation left.
  7. Angel and Dan moved their camper from North Carolina to Indiana. They are doing great, but it’s been an adjustment this year not seeing them often.
  8. Paul had genetic testing done for cancer. On the test, 76 out of 77 screenings came back as normal. The other was neither negative or positive as they don’t have enough info to be certain if it’s a problem area or not.
  9. Our dog jumped the fence and was missing for 24 hours. We looked for him everywhere. We thought he was a goner until the following day when I came into the house to find him laying on the couch like he never left.
  10. The dog ran away right before I had to leave for work. That day I went in late. I left a message for my supervisor who didn’t bother to ask if we found our dog. I think that was the point where I started to despise my supervisor. The company I work for and the management really suck as I’ve seen them screw over the employees. This left me in a hard spot. I really like my job, the people I work with, and the patients. But is that enough for me to stay with a company I have no respect for because they don’t take care of their employees.
  11. Talking about employees, a previous problem employee of ours when we ran our company was convicted of felonies which landed her in prison.
  12. For the first time, I was called to go in for jury duty and was selected to be one of the jurors for a felony case involving the se#ual assault of a child.
  13. I decided to have three rings resized that were a gift from my mom when I was in my 20’s. It means a lot more to me now that my mom is ‘gone’.
  14. My son moved back into the house. He is doing really well as a musician, having a full-time job, and starting a business on the side. But in other ways he is not doing well. Like his dad, he struggles a lot with his drinking. At least at this point he is acknowledging it’s an issue he needs to work on.
  15. I really think that now is a good place to end my memoir. It’s been six years since I started it. I even finished it at one point, but life kept happening.
  16. The bar I made my stand up comedy debut in shut down. There are other venues I can try out though.
  17. There are so many things I probably forgot about…

The appointment, part 2

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July was the month of appointments, none of them mine. Matt had an appointment scheduled for his physical. I had a long list of questions to take with me. My mom never allowed anyone to take part in Matt’s care. She wanted full control and everyone had to do what she told them.

I expressed concern to the doctor how many supplements Matt was taking along with his medications. Matt was even taking a multi-vitamin with iron, although he had no medical purpose that I knew of to be taking it. I asked the doctor if Matt should be taking dozens of supplements. Was it possible his previous liver issues were due to taking too many supplements? The doctor said it was likely.

Then I discussed with the doctor the strict diet Matt was on. I told her I would like Matt to try a diet with no restrictions. The doctor asked Matt if he would like to have some ice cream. I told her Matt has no idea what ice cream is because he never had it before. As kids, we never drank milk. There were many foods Matt never had before. I wasn’t sure how his system would respond to a new diet. I was fearful he might have an allergic reaction of some sort. The doctor decided to draw some blood just to check if Matt was deficient and needed vitamins.

The blood draw was difficult for Matt as they couldn’t find his veins easily. The doctor said she could order allergy testing and even a brain scan to see what was going on if I wanted. But I told her I didn’t want to do anything invasive to Matt if what we were doing was working for him. His anti-psychotic meds are working. I didn’t feel the need to do a brain scan to prove he has schizophrenia or another disease or disorder.

The doctor told me the group home called her and pleaded with her to talk to my mom about Matt’s care. I went home and cried. I was overwhelmed with sadness that Matt was forced to live this way for so long with no one stepping in to tell my mom she was going too far. I came to the conclusion that he wasn’t sick, she was. It rang Munchhausen by Proxy warning bells in my head. It made me question everything I ever believed, everything she taught me as truth. I felt anger towards my mom for the abuse. I am so ashamed of my family. I feel nothing but disgust, yet I have to be the bigger person to make the decisions about everyone’s care. Was I making the right call??

Weeks passed, Matt started trying new foods. He ate ice cream cake for the first time at 49 years old. He really liked it. He didn’t have a reaction to it at all. Then he tried pizza. My mom found out that Matt was off his special diet. She became very angry and yelled at the staff member who gave it to him. I was afraid something like that would happen.

The last time we visited Matt he looked happy. I have more compassion towards him. I feel sad I couldn’t have changed things before. But my mom was the guardian and wanted to be in complete control. I couldn’t do anything about it before, but I can now and I am.

The appointment, part 1

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My mom’s first appointment the day her POA was activated was rough. My mom was crying and begging me to be able to have Matt overnight at her house again. Due to two recent medication errors, Matt’s case manager, nurse, and I made the call to not allow Matt to stay at our parents house overnight anymore. He was, however, free to visit them between 8AM and 8PM between medication times. My mom told her doctor she was not allowed to see him at all. Her primary doctor said she would be willing to be the second signature on the POA form and gave me the form to take to her afternoon neurologist appointment.

The primary doctor said that we needed to look for a facility to take care of my mom. She said that we should look into everything before it became a crisis and it has been at crisis stage for too long now. I told the doctor my parents wanted to stay at home and refused to go. My mom was adamant that my dad was going to take care of her. She said he was loving and supportive, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Her doctor said in her 25 years of being a doctor, she only saw two husbands that were able to care for their wives and they had large families nearby to help. Not children who lived far away and were working full-time. She said worst case scenario was that I needed to call adult protective services to have them removed from their home.

After the appointment, I dropped my mom off at home and drove an hour to close the guardianship account my parents created for my brother back in the 90’s. The rep payee account had finally come through and I needed to close the old account. Upon arriving at the bank, the teller contacted her manager stating that I wanted to close an account that wasn’t mine. The manager said absolutely not as I pulled out the guardianship paperwork. The manager had to speak to the higher ups as I sat waiting in the lobby for an hour. When they finally talked to me, they told me the original account from 1994 was not set up as a guardianship account. Although I am now the guardian, they might still need my parents to come in to sign off the account because it was listed as a joint account. At this point, I was feeling really stressed. I was trying to hold back anger and tears as I explained I lived an hour and a half away. My dad can’t walk and my mom is losing her mind. Along with becoming my brother’s guardian, my mom’s POA was most likely going to be activated that afternoon.

I didn’t know when I would be able to come back with my parents. I took the day off to deal with everything. There wasn’t much else I could do and I had to be back for my mom’s afternoon appointment. After I left, I received a call from the bank saying the higher ups approved the closing of the account. I turned around and finally closed the account.

I picked my mom up for her second appointment of the day. She was still upset with me about Matt and was now crying because she thought she was going to be committed. The doctor was running late. After waiting for another hour, we finally saw the doctor. I explained everything that was happening, how my mom was getting worse since the last appointment. The doctor seemed upset she didn’t schedule to see my mom sooner. She signed the POA forms on the spot. Then she dropped the bomb of frontotemporal dementia. Since my mom was still crying, she asked if my mom was still on anti-depressants. I thought so but I didn’t go to that appointment with her. She told me my mom needed memory care ASAP. She said being at home was a major safety concern, especially with cooking.

I asked the neurologist about genetic testing. She said that I could if I wanted to but it was a waste of time because this condition is something you don’t have any power or control over and there is no cure. My thoughts turned dark, I would do anything to not do this to my own children and spouse. But I would have no idea I was losing my mind. For several weeks, I fell into a deep dark despair. I am still grieving the loss of my mother who is still alive. I am grieving the future I thought I would have. Angel did say something that made me feel a lot better which was that they were planning on taking care of me anyway whether I was in a wheelchair or lost my mind.

POA

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Last week my mother’s power of attorney was activated as I surmised.

The neurologist gave my mom the diagnosis of frontotemporal dementia (FDT). We suspected that was the case, but the confirmation from the doctor hit me hard. That did explain a lot of my mother’s bizarre behaviors over the last several years, like sending my daughter a picture of her ex on her wedding day. The other symptoms I noticed were narcissism, jealousy, obsessions, hoarding, being melodramatic, and saying hurtful and rude things. These are the symptoms that started first before the memory issues and confusion started. It all makes sense to me now.

It’s hard to say where my mom ended and this horrible disease began. How much of my pain and anger towards her were for something that was not even something she has any control over. The disease has been progressing quickly over the last several months. My mom can go from hating on me to love bombing me within minutes. It’s hard to be around her for long periods of time because it’s depressing seeing this disease ravage her mind. It’s difficult to not feel frustrated and annoyed.

I have been feeling a lot of sadness and grief following the diagnosis. It’s hard to see the goodness in life right now. After doing research on the disease, I found that there is a strong genetic correlation between FTD and schizophrenia. I am not sure if my mom’s family suffered from this. When my mom was a teenager, her mother died in childbirth. After her mother’s death, my mother and her siblings fell out of contact with her mom’s side of the family. My mom outlived her mother and oldest sibling by over 25 years, so we really don’t know.

Out of the eight siblings, my mom has a younger brother and sister with similar personalities/symptoms. Her sister with similar symptoms has a daughter with schizophrenia. My brother has schizophrenia and my daughter has schizoaffective disorder. I would say my chances of getting FTD are very high. My dad’s side of the family has a high rate of dementia as well.

I asked the doctor if I should get tested. She said testing would do no good, it is something I have no control over and something that cannot be cured. I am terrified of what I could become. If there is a silver lining…or gray matter…my family can be prepared in a way we weren’t with my mom. I just don’t want them to have to live that way.

The beginning of July

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It’s been a wild ride since the last time I wrote.

I thoroughly enjoyed the holiday weekend. On Friday we enjoyed listening to a local favorite band and enjoyed the fireworks on a perfect July evening. On Saturday afternoon, my son’s band played and afterwards we invited the band over for a pool party. Today has been my first whole day I’ve spent at home for weeks and I’m enjoying getting stuff done around the house.

Work has been hectic. Last week we got a new supervisor that no one likes. She is around half my age with no education or supervisor experience. I am trying to have a good attitude about it. She pretty much just stops in and yells at everyone then leaves us alone. I’ve heard she has no family, significant other, or life outside of being ‘bossy’. I am comforted that most of the other employees feel the way I do so we will stick together if things get out of hand. She offers assistance when we have been short staffed but never is around.

The day shift and the night shift typically have two employees working together. Unfortunately, it seems as if the irresponsible employee is always paired with an ultra responsible employee. Then when the irresponsible employee calls in, the responsible employee is left with all of their work. This happened last week with a lady who only works two days a week, she called in screwing the other employee over. They were both supposed to work the holiday. The irresponsible worker called in again and the responsible worker (who is a single parent of 4 kids) who never calls in called in afterwards. In that situation, the supervisor is supposed to work. I really think it was brilliant for the responsible worker to call in because maybe something will be done about it now. It’s getting out of hand and nothing is ever done about it. I am supposed to work with both employees tomorrow so we’ll see what happens.

Things have been crazy on the home front as well. My mom screwed up my brother Matt’s medications for the second time. I had to make the tough call to not allow my brother to go home overnight on the weekends anymore. This was very upsetting to my mom. But as my brother’s guardian I had to make the right call that him going home was a safety concern. I’m taking my mom to two doctor appointments this week, her primary doctor for a physical and to the neurologist. I wouldn’t be surprised if they activate the power of attorney for her this week. This week might change the course of our lives. We’ll see how it plays out.

On a good note, my brother Matt’s rep payee went through and now I don’t have to worry about paying my brother’s bills anymore. Large expenses have to be preapproved, so that should take care of my mom making huge unnecessary purchases she wants me to reimburse her for. Now I just need to take a couple hours to close out the old account. The switchover has been difficult, but once everything is set it will be great.

Dan should be spending the next couple of weeks at home after being out of town for work since December. They wanted to send him back out again right away, but he told them he wanted to stay around for a while. Now Angel will be out of town for work this week. They are busy people. It’s been good to see them more. Dan bought a new Tesla. The car drives itself. It’s unbelievable how much technology has changed over the last 100 years. I can see a future where drunk driving might be a thing of the past. Wisconsin is usually pretty drunk, especially on weekends. But on holiday weekends, people have been partying harder than usual.

That’s about it around here. Arabella’s friend should be getting out of rehab tomorrow so we’ll see what happens with that. Good thing she is getting out after the holiday weekend. I even saw some people who were embracing total sobriety drink. Not that I’m judging. I’ve gotten beyond that in my life as drinking is such a cultural thing here.

Next weekend will be my birthday weekend. I have a few fun ideas I am planning. Nothing big. But something to look forward to when life around me is nothing but chaos.