family

March on to the end

/ Outrunning my demons / 2 Comments

Life has been pretty quiet since last week. I still have my thumb bandaged up and will be seeing the doctor tomorrow for a follow up. I never realized how much I used my thumb before. I haven’t been wearing pants with a zipper and a button because what happens if I need to go to the bathroom and struggle with limited use of my thumb. Unhooking my bra strap. Tying shoes. Opening pill bottles. Cleaning to name a few… I hope it heals quickly, but I am not sure my nail will ever look the same.

I start my new job in a week and a half. I still haven’t gotten my schedule yet so I have been hesitant to plan anything. Thankfully my mom has her neurology appointment set up for next week so I should be able to take her. I will be working 4 days a week and every other weekend. I am content with this schedule as it will leave me a couple days off during the week to volunteer and take family to doctor appointments. But before I start, I need to go through 6 weeks of training which might be either in person or online 5 days a week Monday through Friday. So until I find out more, I wait.

I am starting to make some headway with transitioning over as Matt’s guardian. For the past several years, my mom has struggled with financial tracking and balancing Matt’s checkbook. She has been paying all the bills and I want to transition over to a payee. Thankfully, my husband has been helping her with this and has been wonderful with the financial end of things. He has been an enormous help with record keeping which I need to set up a payee through the county. He was able to answer questions I had no clue about. The whole process to set up a payee will take 2 months. In the meantime, I need to pay all Matt’s bills without a lot of information on how to do it.

Also, the county has been marvelous to work with as well. Over the decades, I heard a lot of negative things about the county. However, I found the opposite to be true. They have been very diligent and supportive throughout the transition process. I’m starting to feel like everything is falling into place.

Arabella is continuing to make improvements. She is starting to wear makeup again. It might not seem like it, but it’s a big deal. She stopped wearing makeup over a year ago. She didn’t care much about her appearance and had no motivation to do anything about it. Plus her old anti-psychotic medication was making her hands shaky which made it almost impossible to do her eyeliner. I know it doesn’t seem like much since most of her peers are getting ready to graduate from college. I wish she could have a normal regular life too, but she does not. She is in a good place now and any proof of that is worth celebrating.

In the next couple days I am looking forward to: doing stand up comedy, having a game night with Paul, Arabella, and her boyfriend, coffee with friends (I want to try a coffee flight), volunteering at the cat rescue, and trivia night. I am in the process of finishing my memoir, which has been 6 years in the making. Next week I will be very busy tying up loose ends before I start working full-time. I have something going on every day.

The unplanned

/ Outrunning my demons / 4 Comments

I was intending to write sooner but life had other plans. I ended up in the ER after I got a rather large sliver under the nailbed of my thumb. It was incredibly painful. Thankfully they were able to numb me up enough to get it out. But they had to remove a chunk of my nail to get it all out. This happened on my dominant hand so it’s been a bit of a challenge to do things. I have to keep it wrapped up for a week and watch for signs of infection. I’m not sure how it is going to look when it heals. It was a horrible and disgusting experience. I am not in much pain now, but I just feel exhausted. It didn’t help that I had my new hire physical today with bloodwork and a flu shot.

Other than the trip to the ER, this past week went well with a lot of fun activities planned. Angel came home and a group of us went out to eat and watched the musical she directed the music for. She wasn’t home for long, but we enjoyed our time together. Unfortunately for Angel, she got stuck at the airport in Chicago because the weather out east was not good and her flight got cancelled. But she did make it home safely and that’s what counts even though she did have to spend the night in Chicago.

We also had a group of friends meet us out to watch Alex’s band perform at a local brewery for St. Patrick’s Day weekend. I volunteered at a local film festival event. We saw our son’s bandmate perform on St. Patrick’s Day, drank green beer, and played trivia with friends that evening. It was probably the busiest extended weekend of the month if not year so far and one of the most fun as well. This weekend is going to be a lot quieter, but that is okay.

Last week I met with Matt’s case manager and program coordinator. I was not surprised to find out that my mom had complete control of Matt’s finances and medical care. I don’t want to control anything. My mom wouldn’t allow the care team to attend appointments with Matt, which is what they typically do. My mom also had extreme and strict restrictions on what the staff could and could not do. (Why couldn’t my mom be a clean freak instead???) I basically told them that all restrictions would be removed. They were all overjoyed, except for my mom that is. I know she is angry with me for not doing things her way and for not being able to control me. The way my mom treats me is hurtful at times. But my expectations of my parents are so low that it doesn’t matter all that much.

Both Paul and I feel terribly alone with our lifelong lack of parental guidance. I honestly don’t know if I would miss my parents much when they pass away. We don’t have that kind of relationship. It seems like they have been gone for years. I feel sad and jealous of stories of warm and loving parents. Parents that don’t leave a legacy of messes for their children to clean up. There is never a dull moment. But in some ways I rejoice for not being controlled because in families there are rules. I can finally do things my own way and no one cares. I created the family I wanted and what more could I need? Maybe grandchildren…

My best friend is going to be a grandma again. Her 21 year old son and his girlfriend are going to have a baby. It was a bit of a surprise no one was expecting which created a lot of mixed feelings. They are young, immature, and not ready to be parents. But who is, really?

I’m not sure what this next week will bring. I guess I needed a reminder that things don’t always go according to plan. Planes are late and accidents happen that throw off the normal trajectory of life. Sometimes, though, it is easier to face disappointment and suffering when you plan on it being that way.

February update

/ Outrunning my demons / 4 Comments

I passed the proctored exam I needed to take to get to the next step of the hiring process.

It wasn’t an easy test and I was nervous about passing it. Starting a new career at 50 can be intimidating. Everything is so different now. I have yet to talk to an actual person about the position. Even taking the test was a whole new experience for me. The last time I took an important test was on paper with a number 2 pencil. I didn’t have a cell phone to lock up. I didn’t have to lift up my hair to show I wasn’t hiding any devices to cheat with. They even measured my wedding ring because if it was larger than a certain size, it would have to be removed.

I left the test site feeling out of touch. Most test takers were half my age. I had overdressed while the other test takers were wearing comfy clothes like oversized sweaters and jogging pants. My confidence dipped. Although I have a plethora of life experiences, I am not young and fresh with all the latest technology. But I have other things to offer. I keep telling myself that. It has been a month since I applied and I am still waiting. It’s been a week and a half since I filled out the background and credit check paperwork. I have no worries about that, but my patience is running thin as I check my email several times a day to see if I hear anything.

I just turned in all the paperwork to be my brother’s successor guardian. My mom’s functioning has continued to decline rather rapidly. She no longer makes a lot of sense when I talk to her. She has been forgetting to pay some of my brother’s bills on time. A week ago, Matt received a disconnect notice if his bills weren’t paid for his portion of the group home. It’s been stressful as my mom has been handling all of Matt’s finances and I don’t have any intentions of doing so. I would like to be more hands off. Matt’s roommates in the group home have a payee set up through the county and receive transportation for appointments. I would like to do that. He doesn’t live close by and with going back to work, I won’t be able to do everything.

Thankfully my mom has her neuropsychological evaluation next week. We have been waiting for months for this appointment. I wonder if there is still time for her to get treatment that would help her or if her dementia is too far advanced.

Meanwhile, Angel moved out to the east coast for the next couple months to be with her husband who is working there. Thankfully she is able to work remotely. They bought a camper to travel in for work. It’s an exciting adventure for them.

Alex got involved with a new band and he will be touring the west coast for a couple weeks this summer. He is planning on starting up a music studio and moving out. I wish I could travel coast to coast with my kids on their adventures. But it is not going to work out. That’s okay though. This is their time.

Arabella had her doctor appointment last week and she is on the road to recovery. She is still having some side effects from her meds, but continues not to suffer from symptoms of schizoaffective disorder. She still has her job and boyfriend. Life for her has been stable and that is all we are hoping for right now.

It has been very cold and snowy here as of late. I am ready for winter to end.

Blue Monday

/ Outrunning my demons / 2 Comments

Apparently I forgot to cancel the trial and tribulations subscription in time for the new year. It’s been a rough start and I am feeling frustrated.

Some of it is the little things. This past weekend my son was performing with his band. As I was scooting my chair closer to the bar, I smashed my finger. I didn’t realize as I was pulling it in that the seat separated from the base. I sat down on my finger trapping it between the chair and the base with my body weight. Man did that hurt! My finger swelled up and was bleeding from under the nail. It still hurts a little and my finger is bruised under the nail, so I’m hoping I don’t lose my nail.

Or we can talk about today. Today I found a worm on my cat’s backside. I had to give both cats, under protest, de-wormer and deep clean their cat boxes. As I was cleaning, dirty litter box water splashed on my face. Fun times! As I was taking the dirty litter out to the garbage, the bag broke spilling dirty litter all over our walkway. I had to clean this up so the dogs wouldn’t get into it outside while the temperature was twenty below zero.

Then there are the bigger things. Like our investment falling through, from when we sold our business, that we were planning on living on the next couple years. Now I have to go back to work full-time. All the things I have been planning had to be cancelled, like our road trip out to Virginia to see Angel and Dan who will be living out there for the next couple of months. I applied for a job over the weekend. I think I have a good chance of getting it. I will need to pass a proctored exam to see if I will qualify. That was even a big process because I had to update my resume and all the stuff that goes into looking for a job. I will also need to pass a physical as the job is very active. Against medical advice I started running again.

The other big thing is that my mom’s health is deteriorating rapidly. It has become apparent that I need to take over guardianship of my brother Matt. That is not as easy as it would seem. I had to take an online class and fill out a whole bunch of complicated paperwork. At first, my mom refused to sign the paperwork to resign as guardian. She doesn’t think anything is wrong with her. She is trying to hide her dementia.

My brother Luke came home to try to figure out my parents finances. They have several accounts that are an absolute mess and haven’t been balanced in years. My mom is refusing help with her finances. Finally on Friday my mom signed the guardianship resignation letter. Luke and I went with my mom to pick up Matt from his group home. Then we stopped at the grocery store which was insanely busy. Luke and I were trying to help my mom shop with Matt. If you can imagine what it is like taking someone who has dementia and is confused along with someone with intellectual and mental illness. Neither have any awareness of other people. Matt almost bumped into someone. I had to pull him out of the way. Luke and I were very stressed out. I almost started crying in the store. But everyone was very nice and looked upon us with pity.

I have an appointment later in the week to meet up with someone from the county to see if my parents qualify for meals and in home care. I’m still in the middle of the whole guardianship paperwork process. That is also going to be intensive with the financial reporting, needing to meet with doctors and the case manager. My brother lives 40 minutes away so it is going to take a lot of time on my part to get everything set up.

Not to mention doctor appointments with my own daughter. Arabella is doing well on her new medication, but it is causing her to gain a lot of weight. At the last appointment, she gained 13 lbs in 6 weeks, so I’m not sure if she is going to go through another med change.

I have a feeling it’s going to be a long year.

Riding with the changes

/ Outrunning my demons / 4 Comments

I have been feeling uninspired as of late. I feel bored; which I guess isn’t too bad because it is a step above feeling melancholy. There is no immediate crisis, but change is in the air. I can’t tell if it’s good or bad or just is.

The past several days have been very summer like. It has been easy to convince myself that fall is way off into the future somewhere even though the calendar says otherwise.

Uncertainty and change are all around us. Who will our next president be? What kind of changes will that bring?

There have been some big changes in the business we are running and there is uncertainty which road to take. We are waiting in anticipation to see if our finances will change. If not, what kind of changes will that bring? My husband wrestles with wanting to retire and wanting to keep working indefinitely.

I have entered a new decade and my health has been changing.

My son and his girlfriend got new jobs. My son-in-law and daughter might be moving across the country for work for 6 months. I think it’s an exciting opportunity, but I will really miss them. They could be leaving within the month or not.

My parents are experiencing a great deterioration of their health. This has been problematic in many ways. I realized recently that my relationship with my parents has been very destructive and toxic. I sacrificed my young years, my best years, trying to help them because they needed me so much. I was more of their parent then they were ever mine. Looking back, I wish I cut ties with them decades ago. But I didn’t, and now I will never be set free. I will never have the relationship with them that I would’ve wanted.

My mom has been having memory issues, but refuses to admit anything is wrong. I’ve been seeing my mom in her raw form which is very difficult to see. She no longer disguises her extreme favoritism towards my disabled brother. She insists that the world needs to change around Matt instead of helping Matt adapt to the world he lives in which has been a huge disservice. She has placed her favoritism towards Matt over the safety of her children and grandchildren. Nothing is wrong with Matt or her, the problem is the rest of the world. Yet she seeks attention for being a martyr for taking care of my dad and Matt. It’s painful for me when others talk about their fond memories with their aging parents when the only thing I have to bring to the table is shame. There is a lot of uncertainty what will happen with my parents and brother in the near future.

Then there is Arabella. She is having side effects from her medication which have been hard for her to deal with. A couple weeks back I had to take her to the ER because of it. The doctor made a mistake and it ended up being a traumatic experience for both of us. Being on her medication has been a lifesaver, but not an optimal long term solution. Just keeping someone alive is different from being fully alive. Although a lot of troubling negative behaviors are gone, she is just a shell of the person she used to be. She used to be outgoing and fun loving. Now she spends her free time in isolation in her room watching TV. Her friends are gone. Her social interaction is limited to family and work. Her ex moved on and that has been hard for her. No one ever mentions how recovery is a lonely road.

Things have even changed on the blogosphere. Some of my favorite bloggers have fallen off the face of the earth. That feels like losing a friend. I have no intentions of leaving, although I know I’ve been too much of a stranger as of late. What is the purpose? Some days feel meaningless and it’s really hard to find motivation in that mind frame. I’m trying to just ride with the changes, although I’ve never been particularly good at that.

Birthdays galore

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

I survived my 50th birthday weekend!!

And what a weekend it was too! I had a three day birthday party bash. It was more of an open house concept which worked really well. Friday night was the big night as I had my son’s band play. The weather was perfect. Saturday I hosted a 70’s costume party. Sunday I hosted a murder mystery party. In lieu of gifts, I asked for donations for two of my favorite charities. The last thing I wanted was a whole bunch of gag gifts like my husband got for his 50th.

Friends and family stopped in when they were available. By Sunday, on my actual birthday, everything was pretty low key. But it didn’t end there. The following day was Lexi’s (my son’s girlfriend) 25th birthday, so we celebrated that too. She wanted everyone to dress goth style which was a lot of fun. Although my son and husband did not want to wear manscara or guy liner. Party poopers! LOL.

But it didn’t end there.. Last weekend was Angel’s birthday. Next week is our wedding anniversary, then afterwards we will be celebrating my son and my mom’s birthday. There is a season for everything. I’ll take a time of celebration over sorrow any day.

On caring

/ Outrunning my demons / 5 Comments

It’s been four years ago today since my daughter Arabella’s first suicide attempt. In this I am rejoicing because she is still alive. It’s been a long hard road, but here we are.

Yesterday, in the early morning hours of Valentine’s day, Arabella had her tonsils removed. So far nothing crazy has happened, unless you count the nurse splattering blood all over the floor with her second attempt to start an IV. All of that makes me quite queasy, along with the thought of anyone I care about being in pain.

I was asked this week if I considered getting medical training to care for my parents in their home. Nope, that thought never crossed my mind. Then I felt the guilt of maybe that thought should’ve crossed my mind. I just don’t think I could do it.

I’ve been a caregiver since the beginning of my time, while I myself was still in the need of care. The earliest (traumatic) memory of that is of watching my three younger brothers by myself in the lake when I was six. My youngest brother almost drowned. I was always the ‘second mother’ since I can remember. I was my mom’s ‘best friend’ and I had to take care of her and make sure she was okay while I went uncomforted.

As a teenager, I was providing care for my autistic brother Matt who was less than two years younger than me. I was also helping with showering and personal care. My mom relied on me more than she relied on my dad when I was yet a child. Starting at age 12, I started working as a babysitter for about a dozen neighborhood families.

In college, I worked as…you guessed it, a caregiver. I was still a caregiver for my brother Matt along with a man with schizophrenia and a woman with dementia. Two months after college graduation, I got married, and two months after that I was pregnant. I never questioned whether or not I would be a good mother. I was actively parenting my own three kids from 1998 through 2021. While actively parenting, I became a babysitter to several other children, one of whom was in a wheelchair. I also provided care for my Great Aunt Grace who had dementia which also included bathing and personal care.

Then in 2020, exactly 4 years ago today, my daughter developed a serious mental illness. Even though she turned 18 in 2021, I will probably have to provide care for her in some capacity for the rest of my life. I will also become the guardian of my brother Matt when my parents can no longer do it. Last week we had the conversation of putting me on my brother’s account so I can write checks if my parents are unable to so he can continue to stay in his group home without disruption.

Right now my mom seems to be slipping into dementia, but physically she is in great shape. My dad is of sound mind but in horrible condition physically. The only thing normal about my parents is that they both want to stay in their home as long as they can. They don’t want any caregivers to come out to the house because they don’t trust that people won’t steal from them. I have been helping them check what their options are. I am totally fine helping them manage their care and making sure they are in a good place, but I don’t think I would be willing to be their caregiver.

Some may say it’s selfish, but I have my own life and my own problems. This week I started a new medicine for ulcerative colitis. I have my own health issues. But even if I didn’t, I still wouldn’t want to do it. I can’t recall one single good memory with my dad. He was abusive and his issues with addiction pushed most of the family away. If he was a great dad, I would bend over backwards to help him. There is truth to the old saying of you reap what you sow. When I was younger I hungered and thirst for justice. But not any longer as I see it playing out before me just as it was meant to be.

There is a reason why some old people are sitting alone with no visitors at the nursing home. No doubt, it is incredibly sad. I wish it wasn’t that way either. But if you never put any money in the bank, how are you supposed to take any money out?

I try to put everything I can into my relationships that are meaningful. Everything else can take the back burner.

Life as I know it

/ Outrunning my demons / 5 Comments

Whew, it’s been awhile which hasn’t been my intention. I was meaning on writing earlier this week, but the dogs jumped the fence and ran away. I had to focus on the problem at hand instead. Thankfully Paul got tags for the dogs with their name along with our address and phone number. We received a phone call several hours after the escape from a farmer who had one of our dogs. Paul went over to pick him up and figured the other dog was nearby. The farmer lived along 150 wooded acres and took Paul with him on his 4-wheeler to search for an hour with no results.

Paul and I both spent a good portion of the day each driving around aimlessly searching, asking people we saw on the road, and driving with our windows down and heat up listening for the stray bark. I was searching for a good picture of our last missing dog, joining groups for missing pets, and just made a post as darkness was quickly approaching when the doorbell rang. Someone found our second dog walking on the road toward home several houses down. It was strange because when our second dog came home, the dogs snarled and fought with each other. Another crisis was averted, but the day was pretty much shot. On a good note, we were grateful to see the kindness of strangers.

Last week I had my follow up endoscopy and my doctor appointment this week. The good news is that my ulcer is gone, but my colitis is still here. They gave me another medicine to try and if things don’t get better in the next two weeks, they are going to put me on a medication for ulcerative colitis. So far no improvement. I’ve been gaining weight like crazy and nothing fits which has not been pleasant.

Arabella also had her doctor appointment and will need to get her tonsils out. The recovery period for her will be two weeks. A lot of people have been telling me it’s a hard surgery for adults. It will be nice to be able to mom her again though.

Yesterday my mom came over for a visit. This week my dad fell and my mom called 911. It took three men to be able to lift him up. My mom showed me pictures of his bruises from falling. She also showed me pictures of his bedsores. I think he needs to go into nursing care, or at the very least they should have a health care worker come out to the house. I told my mom that and asked her what she was planning on doing. I asked my mom several times, but she didn’t even acknowledge that I was speaking to her. She kept saying how hard her week has been and how she is having a hard time. She said she wasn’t invited to visit her sister down in Florida, although her other sister was invited.

I think something needs to be done. But my parents are still ‘competent’. Thankfully my brother Mark and his wife Carla will be visiting my parents this weekend. I’m hoping I can talk to them about the situation and try to get the ball rolling to come up with a plan. Otherwise, Paul and I will be going out to talk with them soon. But even that is complicated with Arabella’s surgery coming up and Paul possibly being out of town for a business trip. Not to mention that my parent’s are the guardian of my disabled brother. It’s just one big mess.

But other than all that, things are going fairly good. I am almost finished with my memoir. I’m planning on getting a couple more tattoos. Next month Paul and I have a trip planned to Hawaii and I’m getting close to crossing off visiting all 50 states off my bucket list. I am happy where I am at in life. Things aren’t perfect, such as with my own health struggles, but I’m adjusting. For the time being, I am not in crisis mode and I’m going to enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Wishing for change

/ Outrunning my demons / 1 Comment

It’s been a stressful start to the holiday week. Yesterday my colitis started to flare up. Thankfully, I was able to take it easy yesterday and today. But tomorrow is another story. I’m scheduled to volunteer twice this week. We are going to celebrate Christmas Eve with my best friend and her family. The kids will be here Christmas day. The following week is pretty much the same. My best friend’s birthday, a Christmas party here with my siblings and family, and friends over New Year’s Eve. I really don’t have time to be sick.

I’ve been feeling stressed out, but not about the holidays and the parties. Last week a previous employee of ours at the business we sold got arrested. It hit me hard. She is going through a really hard time with the loss of several close family members, got into addiction, and made some bad choices that hurt herself and other people. It’s a different story when you see someone you know on the nightly news. Much more personal. People are judging her harshly, but they only know a little of what was going on. This person was very supportive towards me when my daughter was in jail. But to be honest, I don’t want to get involved. I knew she needed help, but I couldn’t help her.

Over the weekend, we had our extended family Christmas party with my mom, her siblings, and their families. My mom got lost again getting there. She started crying when she saw some people. It’s becoming more apparent my mother is slipping into dementia. It’s really hard to face. She is taking care of my dad who cannot walk whom most of the family is estranged from. Plus she is the guardian of my disabled brother. Everything is a huge mess. I think I will have to have some difficult conversations with my brothers next week. I’m the oldest and the one who lives the closest, so a lot of the problems are going to fall on me.

I don’t want to get pulled into other people’s toxic situations when I am not feeling all that healthy myself. Things are going good with Arabella now, but I don’t think it’s always going to be that way. Yesterday her probation officer said she wasn’t allowed to date. If she does go out somewhere with someone, she is supposed to let him know. I think it’s a great rule, but I don’t know how it’s going to be enforced. I never thought it was a great idea to meet up with strangers online. She probably goes on somewhere around two dates per week.

Dealing with all of these issues that are really upsetting to me is not a really great way to handle stress. Some good did come out of it. With the situation of my previous employee, one of my other previous employees reached out that I haven’t heard from in 5 years and we are planning on catching up some time after the holidays.

I plan on reaching out to our previous employee to offer her support. I really feel horrible about the whole thing and wish there was something I could do. There is a part of me that feels guilty as if I could have prevented or changed things. But that thought is not rational. I just want to fix things by removing the suffering, but I’m experienced enough in life to know there is nothing I could’ve done.

My brothers are competent guys. I’m sure we can come up with a good plan of what the next steps are with my parents. I just wish it wasn’t this way, but wishing never changes things.

Just rubbish

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

image

The last couple of weeks of cleaning out my grandma’s house turned up a lot of junk. I would say 90% junk and 10% real treasure. Today’s post is basically trash talk. This weekend I will bring out the treasure. This is just the teaser. We have emptied out 2 dumpsters already. I come from a long line of pack rats, or according to my sister-in-laws borderline hoarders. I feel bad because my future sister-in-law didn’t even meet my grandparents to see how wonderful they were. This dumpster full is mainly from the garage. I am sure that the house will be a couple more dumpsters full. To think my dad said that we could just bag up the garbage and put it on the curb. I told him I wouldn’t do any cleaning until there was a dumpster.

image.

I found the box above hidden in the back of a closet excited over what might be inside. Surprise, nothing! The 2 years that my parents lived there when I was a baby turned up boxes and bags full of even more crap. Phone books from the 70’s, my baby clothes, stained old elastic shot shirts, and I even found a box with my baby teeth. Gross!

image

I did find my grandma’s wedding dress pictured above. I remember trying it on when I was 12, telling my grandma that it will be my wedding dress someday. The problem is that it fit me when I was a tiny 12 year old. My youngest daughter, at 12, is bigger than me now. So, that is not going to happen. Plus the buttons on the back of the dress are rusting and bleeding into the dress. I am thinking of restoring it, but for what purpose? It will never be worn again. I hope someday my grandchildren will not be cleaning it out of my closet not knowing where it came from. No memories of their wonderfully great grandparents.