Life

Blizzard, baby, and a mystery tour

/ Outrunning my demons / 5 Comments

There has been so much to share since I last wrote. I don’t know where to start.

This will be an exciting week for sure. In five days, Paul, Angel, Dan, and I will be flying out on our ‘mystery trip’. Dan and Angel have no idea where we will be going. The trip is a gift for Angel’s college graduation back in May of 2020. I wanted to make sure we went on the trip before Angel has children or get her another gift. We didn’t know how close we would be as we found out after the trip was planned that she is pregnant. Today Angel is making the long trek back home from Memphis. Her best friend flew in yesterday to drive back with her. Dan will be flying home in a couple days.

Last week, Dan and Angel’s missing kitten came back home after being gone for 10 days. We had almost given up hope, especially since the cat escaped from their camper at a camp site they would be leaving soon. We are so excited their baby cat came back. But she used up a couple lives for sure with that cat ass trophy.

I finally called in for work the first time this week as I had a really nasty chest cold I probably got from work. I missed two days. I still don’t feel 100%, but I got sick before the trip not during it. Work is still up to its shenanigans, trying to screw the employees over. But I like the job and the people I work with so I will try to tolerate it for now. Things would be a lot better if we had a capable supervisor.

Late tonight pretty much the whole state of Wisconsin is expecting blizzard conditions in the likes we haven’t seen for 8 years. The bulk of the storm will arrive Sunday afternoon with very strong winds and several feet of snow. The weather forecaster said it will likely be one of the top 5 snowstorms ever recorded. And I have to work a 12 hour shift tomorrow. Since I have to leave at 6 AM, I might be okay. I am not afraid of driving in a blizzard. I am more afraid of going in the ditch as there will be a tow ban. It’s exciting, we’ll see what happens. Then if I make it to work in the ER, that will also be exciting as I am sure only real emergencies will be coming in.

Then, if I make it in to work, after work I am going to spend the night at Angel’s house. She lives a lot closer to my job than I do. We are going to have a slumber party. Then Monday, I am going to go with Angel to her anatomical scan appointment for her pregnancy. AND I will find out the gender of the baby!! There are so many things they do now when you are pregnant. I only had one ultrasound total out of my entire 3 pregnancies. I think Angel already had 3. It will be so exciting too!! I think the baby will be a girl. I originally thought boy. My head says boy and my heart says girl. Angel is my first baby and she was due on my birthday. Now Angel is having her first baby due on her birthday. So, girl?? I am going to put a couple streaks of blue and pink in my hair.

Whatever happens, this week will be very interesting and exciting!!

End of February update

/ Outrunning my demons / 3 Comments

Not a lot has changed since the last update. My parents are still with us. I still have a huge pile of boxes in my office to go through from their house. And when I get through those, I will bring in more.

Nothing has changed with my job. If anything, things have gotten worse. The work environment is toxic. I don’t want to stay. However, being the diligent employee that I am, I earned a month of vacation days that I will lose if I leave. I just had my annual review where my supervisor said I’m doing an excellent job. I double my collection goal every month. My job accuracy is 100%. I have never called in. I am the top employee. But they have implemented the on call policy. I will be on call Mother’s Day weekend, the weekend I am hosting my daughter’s baby shower. And if my mom is still alive, I am planning on spending time with her not being at work. When I expressed my concerns to my supervisor she had the attitude of too bad. Yes, it is too bad for her because I am not going to stay. Gone are the days when I go above and beyond. I will not be going in early, staying late, or taking on open shifts. I will be gone.

Just to give you an idea of how things are at work… My supervisor accused my co-worker of stealing money in public in front of other staff and patients. Only to find out later that the supervisor misplaced the money. No apology was granted or concern for the employee who was publicly humiliated. It makes my blood boil to see how she mistreats not only me but the other employees. My husband wants me to leave right away and find a better job. But I want to hang in there a couple more months to use up the PTO I earned. Plus I already created his summer seasonal work schedule around my schedule when I am off. I haven’t taken any time off since I started my job and I don’t want to build that again starting a new job.

The engine went out on my husband’s truck. So now we have to replace a vehicle we thought had many more years and miles left on it. We weren’t expecting to have to find a new vehicle so that adds to the pressure of my husband wanting me to find a better paying job. One thing I can say is that I expressed my thoughts to my supervisor and stood up for myself which I feel very good about. But once again I am plunging into the land of uncertainty which drives me crazy.

Just one more month until we leave for our vacation. I am really looking forward to that and using up some of my PTO days.

End of January update

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Hello! January just seemed to breeze by in the worst way. It’s been a harsh winter, a lot of snow and weeks of subzero wind chills. The feeling of unsatisfying coldness. The rough harsh winds that sting and burn.

It’s been a rough month all around. Nothing has changed on the home front. My mom is still on hospice and every time I visit I feel a part of her is shriveling away. My parents taking long winter naps under the cover of warm blankets, not sure if the chill in their bones is justifiable or not.

I am trying to get back to the gym again. It’s been a challenge with juggling all the responsibilities. It’s a challenge to do anything for myself, but I must try even if it is going to the gym. At the moment, I feel a certain melancholy. I’m thinking of quitting my job. Don’t get me wrong, I love working with suffering. It’s where I feel at home amongst the chaos. When you learn to embrace suffering, and not fear it, it is a magical place. Where else could I hold the hand of a stranger as her son is in the other room dying? I have the opportunity to be a comfort and that is very rewarding.

My workplace issued a new responsibility. Starting in the beginning of March, everyone is going to have to be on call one weekend every other month. It will be mandatory. They will pay $2 an hour to be on call and if someone calls in you are responsible for finding a replacement out of 4 other people, or that replacement is you. You have an hour to show up to work. I already work every other weekend. For me, that will mean I will work two weekends one month and then three weekends the following month. Working every other weekend already cuts into my life a lot. I usually try to cram everything in to the weekends I don’t work and am not willing to give up another weekend. Maybe if I don’t have anything going on, but as of now my open weekends are booked through the summer. I even helped my husband to schedule his work schedule around my schedule.

The new policy is in effect because there are multiple people who are always calling in. I’ve worked there for almost a year and haven’t called in once. I feel like the responsible people are the ones being hurt by this. It should be the supervisor’s job, but she really doesn’t want to work or do much of anything. I don’t want to leave, but if I have to I will. We just found out about this earlier this week and I am feeling stressed out about it. We’ll see what happens I guess.

The great, the bad, the ugliest

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It seems like several years passed since I last wrote. I have so many things to tell you.

The day after I last wrote would start the first 6 out of 7 days I would be working for the week with Christmas Day off. Early Monday morning, right before my shift in the ER started, Arabella got into a car accident. She hit a patch of black ice and totaled her car. She called me crying and hard to understand. The rescue squad took her to the ER where I work. I left early for work so I could spend time with her before my shift. She ended up with a concussion and dislocated elbow. As I was finishing in a room, I could hear my daughter screaming a couple rooms down. It was rather traumatic hearing my own kid cry out in pain. Arabella is doing a lot better but still doesn’t have full motion of her arm.

The next unexpected event happened on Christmas Day. Everything was going well, we just had a big meal and opened gifts when Angel pulled one last gift for me to open. Inside was a onesie with an ultrasound picture. I was totally shocked and didn’t know what to say. I am going to be a grandma in July!! I was not expecting that. I am very excited for Dan and Angel!!

Then the following evening, my mom got admitted into the hospital with sepsis. Several days later my dad got admitted into the hospital too. They both had UTI’s, pneumonia, and the flu. My dad was in the hospital for a week and my mom a week and a half. The sickness totally ravaged what was left of my mom’s body. She has been released back to the assisted living home on hospice. She can no longer feed herself, walk, or sit up. We weren’t sure she would make it out of the hospital. Both of my parents were released on Monday. It’s been difficult watching my mom fade away. Neither parent has much time left on this earth.

It’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions here for all of us. Great sorrow alongside of great joy. The great, the bad, the ugliest.

A harsh winter is on the way

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Just like that, the holiday season has begun. Winter weather came along with it blowing its harsh cold winds. We have snow on the ground and had a few days of subzero wind chills.

We hosted Thanksgiving here which turned out being very busy with a total of 18 people. The weather was very cold and I am thankful Angel and Paul decided not to run the Turkey Trot in order to help me out more. I didn’t ask them to forgo the race to help me, but I couldn’t have done it without their help. They helped me pick up my mom and Matt to bring them to the party. I didn’t know it yet, but my mom’s health had declined since I last saw her.

I dished up my mom and Matt’s food, giving my mom easy to eat foods and Matt whatever he wanted. My mom didn’t even notice this time when Matt ate foods she wouldn’t let him eat. This was confusing to Matt. He didn’t understand why he didn’t get angry when he ate foods with gluten. He asked mom if it was okay and she didn’t respond. I told Matt that God had healed him and now he can eat whatever he wants and be fine. Matt said some day mom would be healed when she goes to heaven. Matt said he would have lots of energy when he gets to heaven and that he would be able to run very fast. Oh, to have the faith of a child and be ignorant of everything around me.

My best friend’s family also celebrated Thanksgiving with us. The youngest member of their family arrived in late summer. I spent some time holding the new baby and feeling jealous of my best friend who now has 4 grandchildren and another on the way. I spent the weekend after Thanksgiving working and this past weekend we had our first Christmas party with my mom’s siblings and their families.

It was a difficult family party because everyone there spent some time saying good-bye to my mom. It will very likely be the last Christmas we spend with her. My mom didn’t talk a lot but when she did it didn’t make much sense. She told everyone she died on her birthday. And in some way she sort of did. Back in August, she was angry with me and agitated she wasn’t in control. Now she doesn’t seem to even care. She needs help going to the bathroom and even eating. We had a heck of a time getting her in and out of the vehicle. I wasn’t even sure we would be able to convince her to go anywhere.

My mom is almost gone now. The family has been coming to say their good-byes. I’m going to try to see her as much as I can before she is gone. In many ways, I wish we knew what was going on much sooner. Maybe we would’ve been less frustrated with her inappropriate behavior. I can’t pinpoint when my mom first left us, but she has been gone for several years now. It started so gradually, but now the time is going fast.

Visits to the ER

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Over the past week, three family members went to the ER. Four, if you consider I work in the ER.

The first one to go was my mom. I received a phone call from the assisted living facility saying my mom’s face and lips were swollen. It appeared she was having an allergic reaction of some sort. They wanted to know if I could pick her up and take her. Because I live about an hour away, I declined as I thought she would need to go in long before I was able to get there. We are not sure what caused the reaction, but she was able to be treated and released. They did notice swelling in her legs too which caused them concern about her heart.

The second one to go to the ER was Arabella. It was dark outside and she twisted her ankle as she fell into a large pothole in the driveway of her boyfriend’s apartment complex. She was having a hard time walking and thought maybe she fractured her ankle. Just a week before, she also fell at work. She was wheeling a high chair back to where it belonged when it got caught in the carpet. She fell against the high chair into a wall. Not only did she have fresh bruises, but she had bruises from another fall a week before. The ER team gave her boyfriend suspicious looks, but he had nothing to do with it. She ended up with a sprained ankle.

The third one to go to the ER was my dad. He fell and by some urinary symptoms he was having, they thought he had another UTI. He ended up being admitted into the hospital. In the process, they found a large mass on his kidney which most likely is benign. My dad was weak, confused, and needed IV antibiotics. If I was close to my dad, I would’ve been there even if it was a long drive and I had to take off of work. But I’m not. I didn’t even tell my kids because they wouldn’t care. It’s harsh, I know. In normal families, there would be crying, prayers, and support. I see this all the time in the ER. And I also see people who through their own actions have pushed everyone away like my dad did.

My dad is back at the assisted living facility.

Because of the parent I am, I know I won’t be dying alone if I’m spending my last moments in a hospital. Maybe there is justice to reaping what you sow for better or worse.

Mid November update

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As of right now, we are keeping our heads above water. Life has settled down since the last time I wrote. Alex is more stable. He has been seeing a therapist which is something he was vehemently against in the past. So that is a step in the right direction I guess. He has been a man of few words, at least with my husband and I anyway.

My brothers and I started the process of cleaning out our parent’s house. What an overwhelming task! The one time we got together we barely made a dent in everything. I’m not sure when we are going to be able to get together again to go through everything.

In the meantime, Paul and I rented a huge dumpster for our own house. We got rid of the couches the dogs chewed up among other things. We are not going to be leaving a huge mess behind for our children to clean. It feels good to purge, clean, and declutter. Today I dropped off a trunk load of previous treasures to the thrift store. Some of the items I got rid of were gifts from Alex’s old girlfriend. It was time as they broke up over a year ago. And guess who ended up working at the thrift store and taking in my donations?? Alex’s old girlfriend! I wonder what she thought when I was getting rid of the stuff she gave me, like the cat cookie jar. Or the dress I let her borrow to wear for my daughter’s wedding. In an odd way, it really felt like closure to me.

My husband just accepted a new seasonal position doing tax work. He also decided to start a new career this year. Right now he has been diligently studying and learning everything he can.

I started taking medicine for high blood pressure. I feel old now that I am into my 50’s. But most of the time I don’t care as much about things that I used to think were important, so it evens out.

We suffer alone together

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And so it begins again. This time with a different child.

Five loud raps on the front door, and the baying of the hounds. Something seemed wrong, but I couldn’t tell if I was awake or dreaming the whole thing. I heard his voice, arguing with someone. What is going on I thought as I dragged myself out of bed and towards the door.

The police were here, my son pleading with them he was fine and they should leave. He saw that I was up and became angry they woke me up. What is going on? Why are the police here in the middle of the night? The officer said they were here for a welfare check on my son. Someone called to tell them my son was planning on ending it all that very night. Alex was arguing he was fine and didn’t want their help. I ran to the bedroom to wake up my husband.

He wasn’t fine, my son. He was drunk and suicidal. I took him aside in another room as my husband spoke with the police. He told them he would stay with our son. We spent the next hour and a half listening. My son said he couldn’t do it anymore, live. He spent most the night curled up on the floor sobbing.

He was scaring his friends. Getting drunk and walking in the middle of the road at night. Wanting to borrow a gun. Talking about death and loneliness. They didn’t know what to do. Some contacted us, someone called the police, and most just walked away. I went to bed. My husband stayed up all night. Alex fought and made it through the night but missed his work meeting in the morning.

I had a restless night’s sleep and got up for work like usual the next morning. I didn’t tell anyone or talk about it because these kind of illnesses no one brings a casserole for. He was embarrassed and ashamed of his fight with the demons no one else can see on the inside outside.

Through this we suffer alone together.

He lost his job last week. Fired.

We long for the best and fear for the rest.

I hope he can hear our offerings over his cries for help.

Fall update

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It’s hard to believe we are into October already. We have been enjoying unseasonably warm temps up until today so it was easy to deceive myself otherwise.

I have been at my job for half a year already. Three more employees started working after I was hired so I guess I am not really the new person anymore. My old perfectionistic workaholic ways are catching up to me. I haven’t called in or taken a day off yet, instead I’ve been picking up extra hours and working overtime. I’ve already climbed to a position of respect amongst my co-workers. The management still sucks though, but for now I’m staying. I really like the chaos of working in an ER setting.

Arabella had her day in court and her felony charges have been dismissed. She is off probation and head over heels in love with her new boyfriend. It seems the feeling is mutual. I have a feeling she will be moving out in the next couple months.

Angel will be heading out of state this weekend and won’t be home until the holiday season. While she was back home, her husband rescued a stray kitten hanging around their camper and now they have two cats. I finally set up the graduation trip with my daughter. Back in 2020 when Angel graduated from college, we told her instead of a gift or money, we would like to make memories and take a trip with her. Well, I guess I don’t have to tell you how that turned out back in 2020. Finally I planned a trip for next March with my husband, and Angel and her husband. The most exciting thing is that it is a mystery trip. Angel gave me ideas and I am planning a big surprise.

On a sour note, Alex and his girlfriend broke up. She was seeing other guys behind his back. One night when Alex was playing at a gig out of town, Arabella and his girlfriend went out. Once again, Alex’s girlfriend got really drunk and this time hooked up with a random stranger at the bar. She told Arabella not to tell her brother about it or about her still seeing other people. She told Arabella if she did, she wasn’t going to be her friend anymore and would never see her again. The next evening Alex’s girlfriend was hanging out with him at our house when Arabella came home from work and told her brother everything. Alex took the break up really hard and is really struggling right now. Thankfully instead of closing himself off, he has been open and talking to us.

Paul is just finishing up his summer seasonal job and is toying around with the thought of working a winter seasonal job. Today I spent my day off washing windows and getting everything ready for winter. Soon will be the great purge of getting rid of the old and bringing in the new. Soon we will be going through my parents house and starting to empty it out. It feels good to empty myself of the garbage in my life.

Assisted living

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I scheduled an appointment to visit an assisted living facility with my parents after my mom’s birthday in early August. They had two immediate openings for two rooms next to each other with a shared bathroom. They were willing to take both my mom and dad, although my mom needs memory care and my dad has a physical disability. We jumped at the opportunity. Finally a windfall!

My aunt threw a birthday party for my mom on her birthday which I attended. My mom expressed anger with me at her party for allowing my brother, whom I am guardian of, to have an unrestricted diet. It was all very awkward, being reprimanded by my mom in front of everyone in a public place. I told my mom we could talk about it later but at the moment we were there to have fun and celebrate her birthday.

My SIL also threw my mom a birthday party at the family cabin. It would probably be the last time she goes up to the cabin and maybe the last birthday she will be somewhat cognizant for. That in and of itself was depressing. Once again, my mom expressed anger towards me about Matt. I helped Matt make a plate of food for himself and my mom took half the food I put on his plate and threw it in the garbage. She was upset I forgot to bring his applesauce for him to take his pills. I also forgot a few other things I had no idea she wanted me to bring. She was so upset she wanted to leave.

Then last weekend arrived, the weekend my parents were set to move in. On Saturday we went up north and closed down the cabin for the season. Then my brothers and I sat down and talked for several hours about the plan going forward. What are we going to do with the house, cabin, their vehicles, finances, cleaning out the house, etc. My brother Luke said he was living off his faith to get through it. I said I was burning off my anger. It’s hard to have to grieve your parents while they are still alive, even more so because my relationship with my parents is complicated. I feel a lot of anger about how I was treated in the past and how the mess they made, we are going to have to clean up. Because of their hoarding tendencies, I think it’s going to take years to clean out the house. I hope I am wrong.

Then moving day came along. We went to my parents house to load up some of their belongings. My mom kept grabbing things to put in boxes. My SIL took them out and put them back. I decided to go outside with my mom to keep her out of their hair. My mom wanted to take a walk to her church down the road. I was the last one to walk with my mom down the only road that I could remember her living on. My mom stopped along the way to pull out weeds along the ditch. She carried them over to to a grassy area on an uneven pathway. I was afraid she might lose her step.

When we got to the church, mom wanted to walk around the cemetery and talk about people who died. I saw the gravestones of my ancestors and familiar names. My mom asked if I knew them, the graves of my great-great-grandparents. I said I did, but I didn’t really. I softly cried on the walk. My mom was always a fast walker, and I had to struggle to keep up. But this time she shuffled along and I was afraid she might not have the strength to make it all the way back.

This time my mom was kind towards me, almost childlike. I watched her say good-bye to her house, the only house I’ve ever seen her live in. The grief slipped from anger into sadness. My mom is gone now. She is leaving more and more every day.