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The fall, winds of change

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Even though autumn is my second favorite season, I always feel sad to see the end of summer. I don’t feel like I enjoyed summer as much as I should’ve. The end of summer brings another change, and not just with the seasons.

Tomorrow Arabella has her last court date. After two years, she will now be off of probation. She spoke with her lawyer, and told him she has since been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Hopefully she will be able to have her charges dismissed. Her crime was classified as domestic abuse, without consideration she was in a manic state with psychosis. She didn’t have the diagnosis at the time of her criminal offense, her mental illness was just beginning.

The first couple months out of jail was a rough ride, but once she finally got a proper diagnosis with the proper treatment she has become the daughter I’ve always wanted her to be. Perfect, no. But finally getting her life back together. She has been holding down the same job for the past two years. My son Alex recently told Arabella he forgave her for hurting us and his hatred towards her. She is a different person now, a better person who wouldn’t think of hurting anyone. This past week she started dating someone new. He seems like a nice guy.

Alex starting dating someone too. He is with Arabella’s friend, the girl who went to rehab a couple months back. This past weekend Alex was playing with his band. By the time Paul, Angel, and I got to the show his new girlfriend was wasted. She was hitting on everyone. She met Angel for the first time and it didn’t go well. Angel tried to tell her she was Alex’s sister but Angel thought his new girlfriend saw her as competition. This girl was drunk and out of control in front of Alex while he was playing. At one point, she could barely walk so we sat her down with some water.

When Alex got done playing, he was upset and wasn’t sure what to do. We thought perhaps their relationship would be over. The next day, Alex told us he gave her an ultimatum. He told her if she wanted to be with him, she had to stop drinking. He told her in return he would quit drinking too. I have been really concerned lately about my son’s alcoholism. Since he started with this new girl, both of them took drinking to a whole new level. She wanted them to do shots first thing in the morning. He has been black out drunk several nights in a row for weeks, maybe longer. I don’t always see it.

It won’t be easy to turn away from alcohol in our culture. When Alex plays, fans often buy the band drinks and shots. The last week or so his eyes were opened. While playing he had the opportunity to see what hard core alcoholism looks like, how it can destroy people and relationships. He said with or without his new girlfriend, he was going to give up drinking because he doesn’t want that to be a part of his future.

I see a lot of change in the air.

Middle of April update

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I am getting into the swing of things with my new job. Last week I had the online orientation. This week I took two classes, yesterday and today. Monday I shadowed an employee doing registration in the ER. It was a hectic day as one of the employee’s called in. The person who was training me said it’s always busy there and they can barely keep up with the work. The company I work for manages two ER’s, one is always busy the other is not. Most people want to work at the ER that is not quite as busy. But I, along with the trainer, would rather be too busy than not busy enough.

Next week I will start training with the ability to login as an employee instead of just watching. I will be working full-time next week which is going to be super crazy busy with the NFL draft in the area. I am going to be seeing a lot of things. It seems like in the one day I already have.

All is well in the home front. My mom made it to her MRI appointment without me having to take off work. I had a marvelous weekend, although once again I stayed up way too late. This weekend is going to be a lot more low key. We are planning on having people over for Easter, but nothing too big. I have to work all day Thursday and Friday. Tomorrow night I am planning on doing stand up comedy.

This week I washed the windows and put on the screens as it might get into the 60’s.

We found out yesterday that my daughter Angel and her husband will not be home for another month. We thought they would be home by the end of this month. This weekend Dan will be done with his job in Virginia and they will be moving their camper to another job site in Georgia. Dan hasn’t been home since Christmas. Angel stayed home through January which was a bit of a problem as her next door neighbor wrote her a love note in January. She wasn’t comfortable there by herself because of that. She recently got footage on her Ring camera that her neighbor was looking into her windows. Thankfully when she comes home, Dan will be with her to have a conversation with the creepy neighbor.

That’s all for this week. So far the new job seems interesting and I think I will really like it.

Happy Easter!

Marching on

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I found a job.

It’s a job I didn’t have on my radar last week. I was hired by a hospital to work in ER admissions. I never worked in a hospital before. The ER department sounds stressful but exciting. The only thing I really don’t like is being around sick people all the time. My immune system has been strong as of late, so I’m hoping it will stay that way. This is not going to be a 9 to 5 Monday through Friday kind of job. I didn’t want a job with those hours anyway since I have appointments for family members several times a month.

My mom had her follow up appointment this past week with the neuropsychologist. The test results showed a major neurocognitive disorder. However, more tests will need to be done before we know what kind of dementia she has because it is not presenting itself in the normal way. She will need a MRI before we know more, and maybe more testing beyond that. One type of dementia the doctor thinks it could be has a strong genetic component and is very aggressive. However, my mom is older than the age where it usually presents itself which is within the age range my younger brothers and I am. The thought is horrifying that I could have this ticking time bomb inside of me. I am trying not to think about it all that much until we have more answers. But damn is it scary. My dad’s side of the family has a strong genetic link for dementia as well. I may have to start doing some planning soon depending on the test results.

My mom has been very confused and frightened. It’s terrifying for her because her memory is still within the range of normal. However, her executive functioning is at 5%. She doesn’t have the mercy to forget something is terribly wrong with her. The doctor said she should no longer be driving. My mom will need to do a driving simulation test and if she fails that, she will no longer be able to drive. She is not supposed to attend appointments by herself and it is almost time to get her power of attorney paperwork in place.

Meanwhile, I have become Matt’s guardian and will meet with his case manager this week. There are several things I need to figure out, such as how to transition over the financial aspect of it. I am hoping to have everything in place before I start working full-time.

I have been trying not to let the stress get to me. Thankfully I have a lot of experience dealing with stressful situations so I know how to cope with everything. Last night Paul and I went with family and friends to see our son play in the band. It really was a great time. He will be playing again next weekend…so more fun. When we are all free, Paul and I play games with Arabella and her boyfriend which is fun. I did stand up comedy this week and went to trivia night with Paul and friends.

This week Angel will be coming back home from out East to visit. We will be going with her and a group of people to see the musical she was the music director for. It’s been a month and a half since we last saw her. I can’t wait until she comes home again. We have a lot of fun things planned.

The weather is slowly starting to warm up. I saw my first robin of the season yesterday. The snow is starting to melt.

What is coming next

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I want to start blogging more again. Maybe I can try for once a week. I realized today I have been blogging almost ten years. It takes some form of dedication or insanity to continue that long. One of the hardest parts for me is finding people I connect really well with and then they are gone. Maybe their blogging experience is only temporary. Sometimes bloggers pass away. That component is harder for me then finding things to write about.

This past week has been difficult/emotional in different ways. The job search has lead to several dead ends. I was selected for the lucrative job I took the proctored exam for. However, I am sitting in limbo. It’s been over a month since I applied. When I reached out, I was sent a form letter stating that I am in a pool of applicants and if/when they need me they will reach out. My test results will be on file for two years and if I don’t hear anything by then I am welcome to reapply. But I am looking for a job now.

A friend told me over the weekend that she knows someone who works for the job I am waiting on. She said for the first 6 months they had to work 3rd shift until there was an opening in 1st shift. I am not willing to work 3rd shift, been there done that and don’t ever want to do that again. I would be willing to work those hours once in a while but not often. I AM, however, willing to work day shift (early morning is fine), 2nd shift, weekends, and holidays. I don’t want to work a regular Monday through Friday 9 to 5 job either. I just don’t think it would be possible for me at where I am in my life right now.

As of this last week, I am now the successor guardian for my brother Matt. However, I am not going to do everything the same way my mom did. I am not going to cater to his every whim. This is going to be an adjustment period for all of us and I am going to be pulling off the band-aid. At first I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for doing things my way, the way I think will be the best for Matt. But I had to remind myself that I have taken on the responsibility to be responsible for my brother for the rest of his life or mine. I never signed up for this. I don’t want to have a brother with a disability. But I was willing to take it on even though it was not in my best interest. There are going to be a lot of things I have to learn.

This past week my mom had her neuropsychological evaluation we waited 5 months for. We will be getting the results this week. My brother Luke went with my mom and I to the appointment which lasted 4 hours. We had around an hour to talk to the doctor about our concerns without our mom in the room. I think we were listened to and adequately described the situation. The last few months my mom’s dementia has gotten worse and she reached a new level of raw unfiltered obsessiveness and self-focus. I think she may have more than one personality disorder on top of whatever dementia she is facing. Spending time with my mom is very difficult. I have to limit it to once a week for my own mental health. I had horrible nightmares the evening of her appointment.

This is why I can’t look for a 9 to 5 job. I have several appointments during the month during the day for my mom, daughter, and will for my brother Matt as well. Also, I would like to continue volunteering for several organizations during work hours. My husband and I just finished facilitating an 8 week family class through NAMI this week. We had the opportunity to guide ten other people who are new to mental health struggles with family members. It was great to use my experiences to help other people. We had such a great group and I am sad to see the class is over.

Every week I am looking forward to several opportunities to de-stress. This week I am planning on going to trivia night with friends. The first time we did it, we won second place. This will be the second time. After taking two months off to teach the class, I had to take a hiatus from stand up comedy. I will be doing stand up comedy this week. This weekend my son’s band will be playing so I am looking forward to going with friends and family to watch them perform.

I am also planning on finishing the third edition of my memoir this week. Last year I was planning on ending it but so much more has happened to write about. I feel like I finally found a good place to stop the story. My plan is to have it completely finished by April 11, which would’ve been my grandma’s 100th birthday. Even though she has passed many many years ago, I want to celebrate her day and the life she has given to me. Without her influence in my life, I don’t know where I would be.

Other than that, my husband and kids are doing well. It’s great they are all in a good place right now. I feel like I am at a crossroads of sort. It is a very uncertain and anxious time, yet on the other side of the same coin is a sense of anticipation and excitement for what is to come next. I might take some classes and go a whole different career route. Who knows at this point? I think I should have a lot of answers this week.

February update

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I passed the proctored exam I needed to take to get to the next step of the hiring process.

It wasn’t an easy test and I was nervous about passing it. Starting a new career at 50 can be intimidating. Everything is so different now. I have yet to talk to an actual person about the position. Even taking the test was a whole new experience for me. The last time I took an important test was on paper with a number 2 pencil. I didn’t have a cell phone to lock up. I didn’t have to lift up my hair to show I wasn’t hiding any devices to cheat with. They even measured my wedding ring because if it was larger than a certain size, it would have to be removed.

I left the test site feeling out of touch. Most test takers were half my age. I had overdressed while the other test takers were wearing comfy clothes like oversized sweaters and jogging pants. My confidence dipped. Although I have a plethora of life experiences, I am not young and fresh with all the latest technology. But I have other things to offer. I keep telling myself that. It has been a month since I applied and I am still waiting. It’s been a week and a half since I filled out the background and credit check paperwork. I have no worries about that, but my patience is running thin as I check my email several times a day to see if I hear anything.

I just turned in all the paperwork to be my brother’s successor guardian. My mom’s functioning has continued to decline rather rapidly. She no longer makes a lot of sense when I talk to her. She has been forgetting to pay some of my brother’s bills on time. A week ago, Matt received a disconnect notice if his bills weren’t paid for his portion of the group home. It’s been stressful as my mom has been handling all of Matt’s finances and I don’t have any intentions of doing so. I would like to be more hands off. Matt’s roommates in the group home have a payee set up through the county and receive transportation for appointments. I would like to do that. He doesn’t live close by and with going back to work, I won’t be able to do everything.

Thankfully my mom has her neuropsychological evaluation next week. We have been waiting for months for this appointment. I wonder if there is still time for her to get treatment that would help her or if her dementia is too far advanced.

Meanwhile, Angel moved out to the east coast for the next couple months to be with her husband who is working there. Thankfully she is able to work remotely. They bought a camper to travel in for work. It’s an exciting adventure for them.

Alex got involved with a new band and he will be touring the west coast for a couple weeks this summer. He is planning on starting up a music studio and moving out. I wish I could travel coast to coast with my kids on their adventures. But it is not going to work out. That’s okay though. This is their time.

Arabella had her doctor appointment last week and she is on the road to recovery. She is still having some side effects from her meds, but continues not to suffer from symptoms of schizoaffective disorder. She still has her job and boyfriend. Life for her has been stable and that is all we are hoping for right now.

It has been very cold and snowy here as of late. I am ready for winter to end.

November happenings

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It’s hard to believe November is half over already. Soon we’ll be entering the holiday season and just like that another year will slip away.

Change seems to be the only thing that is consistent in my life.

Angel and Dan just bought a camper. Soon Dan’s job will be taking him to the East coast for half a year. Angel will be joining him and working remotely out of the camper. It’s going to be very strange without them living 20 minutes away. I’m going to miss them so much, but what a grand adventure.

Alex joined another band, a bigger name band that just released an album, and is possibly touring the West coast next summer. We went to see his band and for the first time we had to pay to watch him perform. The venue was crowded. It’s exciting to see where this new adventure might take him as well.

Arabella’s medication change is working out well for her. She is less like a zombie and more like the person we knew before. She is putting herself out there more and just recently started dating someone new. We met her new boyfriend already and so far so good.

My mom’s memory issues are getting worse and I was finally able to get her set up for a neuropsych eval for the end of February. I have been making a lot of phone calls lately regarding my mom and I’m hoping she can stumble along until then. I’m hoping to talk to my brothers over the holidays and come up with a plan. I don’t want to get stuck managing the care for both of my parents and disabled brother by myself.

Sometimes when life is hard, you just need to have a good laugh about it. One of my bucket list items is to do stand up comedy. I’ve been up on the stage for open mic several times now and it’s been so much fun. You’re never too old to try something new. I foresee a lot of adventures in the upcoming year!

Handing over the baton

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A little over a month ago, I spent two full days in Wisconsin Dells at the waterparks. I told you about the trip, but I don’t think I mentioned how much pain I was in. After two full days of walking, I could barely walk. My foot was hurting a lot. I never really noticed how inactive I’ve gotten until I had to be active. So many times I chalked up my foot pain to bunions, arthritis, and fibromyalgia. But this time I felt something was really wrong because one foot was hurting much more than the other.

The following day I reached out to my doctor to get an appointment with a podiatrist. They questioned why I wanted a referral. I told them that I was still having foot pain like I mentioned at my last physical in November when they took X-rays of my foot. At the time, my doctor couldn’t find anything that would cause a lot of pain. It took me a month to get an appointment with the foot doctor.

By the time I got to my appointment, I was feeling a lot better. But I went in for another set of X-rays and waited over an hour to see the doctor who was behind schedule. I thought perhaps I was wasting his time. When the doctor came in, he told me I had a stress fracture. What??!?? How did that happen? I was going to have to wear a boot for 6 weeks and then come in for more X-rays to see if it was healing properly.

I have no idea how I fractured my foot. My feet started hurting when I was running long distance training for a 50k. But that was years ago. And aren’t your feet supposed to hurt if you are running 30 miles on them? The only other thing I could remember happening was having a large water bottle fall onto my foot. But again, that was years ago. How did I have a fractured foot and not even know about it?

It’s been 3 years since I ran. Gradually I stopped going on walks too because it hurt and I was having GI issues. I went from thinking I was wasting the doctor’s time to being angry with myself for not going in sooner. Hopefully now it will finally be able to heal and I can get on with life.

I stopped running right after Angel moved back home and started running. We enjoyed running together for several months. This weekend she will be running her first marathon and I will be supporting her every step of the way. I was instrumental in starting the fire that ignited her passion, and now I will be handing over the baton.

Green light, red light 2

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After not being able to reach anyone to talk to besides the receptionist at the psychiatrist’s office upon opening in the morning, Paul and I called the crisis center. The lady at the crisis center asked us to try to bring Arabella in. We weren’t sure if that was possible, but we were going to try. Paul went to her bedroom to try to convince her. She said she would go. Paul asked me to grab his jacket so we could leave ASAP.

I tried to follow Arabella out to the car while she screamed at me to get away. There was no way I was going to stay home. When she got into the back seat, I slid into the back seat on the other side. I was afraid she might try to jump out of the car on the way and that somehow by sitting next to her I would be able to prevent that or could de-escalate her.

Once we got on the highway, Arabella wanted us to take her back home. She said she left Bryan at home sleeping in her bed. She wanted him to be with her. Then she said Bryan was her dog and she was Stuey from Family Guy. But Bryan was also her other half, her soulmate. He felt the same way and they were going to get married. Bryan’s boyfriend found out he was no longer gay on a VR headset and now she could marry him.

Arabella asked us to turn on a radio station in the car that was on her wavelength. It had to be a specific number she could get messages from. She asked Paul to turn the volume up. Anything to placate her. Then she asked him to open the car windows, which he did a little as it was cold outside in the morning. She was only wearing a t-shirt and shorts, but she seemed impervious to the cold. Paul didn’t know how to get to the crisis center. I took her there before but he never did. When I tried to give him directions, Arabella screamed at me to shut the f up multiple times. She shoved me back into the seat.

Not only was Paul trying to get there in the hurry, he was distracted by the thought of me being in danger. He drove erratically with one eye on the rearview mirror. I typed the address into my phone map and tossed the phone to him. We convinced her to go into the crisis center with us by saying Bryan was inside waiting for her. Once inside, Arabella became quite agitated. The employees at the crisis center called the police. I told them to ask for a CIT officer, someone trained in mental health crisis intervention. Arabella ran into the parking lot to try to find Bryan who was interchanging between her soulmate and the dog. She yelled into her phone at him like it was a walkie talkie but he wasn’t really on the phone with her.

She left wearing clothes inappropriate for the weather. We asked if she would be considered a danger to herself and they told us she would not be unless she decided to walk into traffic. We wanted her to be committed, but she had to be a danger to herself or others first unless she went in voluntary and that was going to take A LOT of convincing.

Paul tried to talk her into coming back in, which she did and finally started the assessment with the crisis center employee. She was saying off the wall things. She said she has autism which was the same thing as Down’s Syndrome. The only cure for Down’s Syndrome was meth which would make it into Up Syndrome. The officers arrived as she was talking to the assessor. We explained everything to the officers.

We weren’t sure if Arabella was going to stay. She was nervous once the officers arrived, but said since the exit sign above the door was green instead of red it meant she had to stay. She started repeating green light, red light repeatedly. Then the police officers left and were replaced by officers from the sheriff’s department. Everything happened in a blur but we were there several hours. The officers told Arabella she needed to follow the rules. You cannot push your mother. She replied that she was shaken as a baby. For some reason that shocked me more than anything else she said.

The officers said if Arabella was not willing to seek treatment, they might be able to arrest her for disorderly conduct for shoving me. Then she would have to go back to jail. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to press charges. That would mean her probation would be revoked and then her felonies might be on her record permanently at the age of 20. I didn’t know if I could do that to my daughter, but I didn’t know if I could bring her back home in the state she was in either.

She was agitated, manic, delusional, and having hallucinations which clearly wasn’t her fault or how she would have chosen to live her life.

On caring

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It’s been four years ago today since my daughter Arabella’s first suicide attempt. In this I am rejoicing because she is still alive. It’s been a long hard road, but here we are.

Yesterday, in the early morning hours of Valentine’s day, Arabella had her tonsils removed. So far nothing crazy has happened, unless you count the nurse splattering blood all over the floor with her second attempt to start an IV. All of that makes me quite queasy, along with the thought of anyone I care about being in pain.

I was asked this week if I considered getting medical training to care for my parents in their home. Nope, that thought never crossed my mind. Then I felt the guilt of maybe that thought should’ve crossed my mind. I just don’t think I could do it.

I’ve been a caregiver since the beginning of my time, while I myself was still in the need of care. The earliest (traumatic) memory of that is of watching my three younger brothers by myself in the lake when I was six. My youngest brother almost drowned. I was always the ‘second mother’ since I can remember. I was my mom’s ‘best friend’ and I had to take care of her and make sure she was okay while I went uncomforted.

As a teenager, I was providing care for my autistic brother Matt who was less than two years younger than me. I was also helping with showering and personal care. My mom relied on me more than she relied on my dad when I was yet a child. Starting at age 12, I started working as a babysitter for about a dozen neighborhood families.

In college, I worked as…you guessed it, a caregiver. I was still a caregiver for my brother Matt along with a man with schizophrenia and a woman with dementia. Two months after college graduation, I got married, and two months after that I was pregnant. I never questioned whether or not I would be a good mother. I was actively parenting my own three kids from 1998 through 2021. While actively parenting, I became a babysitter to several other children, one of whom was in a wheelchair. I also provided care for my Great Aunt Grace who had dementia which also included bathing and personal care.

Then in 2020, exactly 4 years ago today, my daughter developed a serious mental illness. Even though she turned 18 in 2021, I will probably have to provide care for her in some capacity for the rest of my life. I will also become the guardian of my brother Matt when my parents can no longer do it. Last week we had the conversation of putting me on my brother’s account so I can write checks if my parents are unable to so he can continue to stay in his group home without disruption.

Right now my mom seems to be slipping into dementia, but physically she is in great shape. My dad is of sound mind but in horrible condition physically. The only thing normal about my parents is that they both want to stay in their home as long as they can. They don’t want any caregivers to come out to the house because they don’t trust that people won’t steal from them. I have been helping them check what their options are. I am totally fine helping them manage their care and making sure they are in a good place, but I don’t think I would be willing to be their caregiver.

Some may say it’s selfish, but I have my own life and my own problems. This week I started a new medicine for ulcerative colitis. I have my own health issues. But even if I didn’t, I still wouldn’t want to do it. I can’t recall one single good memory with my dad. He was abusive and his issues with addiction pushed most of the family away. If he was a great dad, I would bend over backwards to help him. There is truth to the old saying of you reap what you sow. When I was younger I hungered and thirst for justice. But not any longer as I see it playing out before me just as it was meant to be.

There is a reason why some old people are sitting alone with no visitors at the nursing home. No doubt, it is incredibly sad. I wish it wasn’t that way either. But if you never put any money in the bank, how are you supposed to take any money out?

I try to put everything I can into my relationships that are meaningful. Everything else can take the back burner.

Freezing to death

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I naively thought we might have escaped the harshness of winter with our unseasonably warm December and start of the new year. Until last week, that is. We got hit with several snowstorms and kicked the weekend off with a blizzard. Then we plunged right into arctic cold wind chills.

Paul was supposed to go on an ice fishing trip in the far north woods of Wisconsin. The mild winter only produced a couple inches of ice on the northern inland lakes and Lake Superior has open water. Usually by this time of year, people are driving their trucks on the lakes and have their ice shacks set up. This year with the weak ice followed by a blizzard then arctic cold, the trip got cancelled. Although the ice is forming fast now.

While Paul was gone, I had plans to go on an overnight trip to a casino. My friend Sue, who won a small jackpot months before, had to be present for a chance to win a car and $100,000. Paul said since his plans got cancelled, he would be willing to drive us there in his truck. But with the weather, we weren’t sure if we were going or not. Normally the trip takes us two and a half hours. But since half the trip is small towns and back roads, no doubt it would take a lot longer. The side roads would be snow covered and slippery since ice doesn’t melt in subzero temperatures if the roads are not plowed right away.

We decided to brave the trip. If we waited for perfect weather conditions in our state, we would be hibernating half the year. Late Saturday morning, Paul and I set off for our trip with Sue and her husband. We had supper at an Italian restaurant with really good food. Then we went to the casino. The drawing for the car and chance to win the money was at 10 PM. While there, I saw several people win big jackpots. The place was packed with jackpot winners waiting for their chance to win yet again. Sadly, Sue didn’t win. But we had a fun time anyway.

Arabella was home watching the pets. I spent a lot of my time worrying that the dogs were going to freeze to death. It was the first night we left the dogs for the night. Even if I am home, I am very paranoid the animals are going to freeze to death. Maybe the cats will sneak outside with someone. Maybe Arabella will let the dogs out then forget to let them back in. The maybes start swirling through my head faster than the snow in the blizzard winds.

Why am I always so worried about my animals when it is cold outside?? Then it hit me. As a child of around 13, I did have some animals freeze to death when I wasn’t home. It was probably around October and it was freezing at night. Two of my outdoor cats had kittens. One had 6 and the other had 4. One of the mama cat’s was a good mom and the other cat was not. The mama cats were sisters and they took care of each other’s babies. At night, I had to lock the cats in with their kittens because one would stay and the other would not.

We hardly went anywhere, but that night we got home late. Too late, in fact. One of the mama cat’s was with a box of babies and the other was not. The box of babies without the mama cat froze to death. My mom said I needed to bury the box of dead kittens. I found a shovel. It was dusk when I found a good burial spot. The ground was cold and hard. But I was able to dig a little hole. I put my hand into the box to pick up one of the fluffy kitties. I screamed when I touched the kitten’s little frozen body. I couldn’t do it. The kitten was so cold and death was so final for these babies. I started crying and threw the box, kittens and all, into the weeds.

I felt awful. Maybe their deaths could’ve been prevented if I didn’t go somewhere with my mom and brothers. I blamed myself. And on Arctic bitterly cold days, I can’t help but worry it could happen again.