Author: Outrunning my demons

Marathon training, week 8

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I am done training for the week. I worked out for a total of 2 hours this week compared to my normal 6. No, not because it was my birthday this week. It took everything I had not to go for a 6 mile run on my birthday. Pretty sad, huh? Actually I decided to take it easy to get ready for a 5k this weekend. I want to place in my age group. Looking at last year’s results it isn’t going to be a (birthday) cake walk (run). Plus we are going to have the summer’s first heat wave this weekend, but everyone will be in the same boat as far as that goes. Wouldn’t it just be the icing on my cake if I got a silver medal the week of my silver birthday? Geez. In my opinion, I already won. My mother and two daughters are doing their first 5k this weekend. They will all be walking it, but hey, there is nothing wrong with baby steps. Lol

Did I tell you that I got my first “hit” off my honk if you’re going to hit me t-shirt last week? I wear it for my long runs. Some guy came up behind me and started honking. I was bracing myself for impact. Turns out the guy only wanted directions. Talking about that, I did end up seeing the black cat out on the road again that just missed getting smacked by a truck last week. This time he ran out in front of a bicyclist. I think that cat must enjoy the adrenaline rush. I wanted to tell him he was on the wrong path. Hmmm…

My silver birthday

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The good news is that I didn’t spend the first few hours of this birthday in the ER. Instead Paul and I took the kids out for sushi. The restaurant had a nice, quiet atmosphere with live classical guitar music. I had a glass of Riesling and we all sampled each other’s sushi. Two out of three kids liked sushi. I once heard that two out of three ain’t bad. Ha ha. I bet right now you are thinking that I am a really sophisticated, classy, and perhaps elegant woman. If that is what you want to think then you better stop reading because Saturday night I was in the mosh pit. 

Saturday night? Well Saturday night I played the birthday card. The birthday card is something that I bring out the couple of weeks before or after my birthday, okay okay pretty much the whole month of July. I think that birthdays became such a big deal for me because as a kid my mom went out of her way to make me feel like a princess on that one day of the year. My autistic brother went to grandma’s or aunt Grace’s for the day. He wasn’t the center of our universe or talked about for that one day of the year. Since my birthday fell in the middle of summer I could take friends swimming, have a sleepover up north, or go mini bike riding. 

Back to Saturday night, I talked Paul into seeing a metal band with me. Paul likes classical music. No, not classical rock. I am talking about Beethoven and Bach here. Pretty wild guys in their day, but not ours. We also dragged our pastor along. Makes confession a lot easier. No, seriously, he has an appreciation for the music. This was a pretty crazy crowd. Not a quiet crowd like the one we had at the Metallica tribute concert. Who would’ve guessed? We hung out in the back, moving out of the way when average sized bouncers dragged out surly drunk fighters. Three quarters of the way through the concert I wanted to get in where the action was. Even though the little voice in my head told me to stay away because I couldn’t risk getting hurt before the marathon next month. I imagined someone crushing my foot as I inched my way into the third row, the music beating into my chest and my hair feeling the static of the vibration. The adrenaline rush, the anxiety of passing out, feeling surrounded by people yet all alone, enjoying the music. The guy two over started punching someone which edged me over into the mosh pit. The guys there moved this weak, fragile, old (strong , marathon trained, young) lady out of the way. But that happened Saturday night when I was still 40. 

Another year of life with lots of things checked off my bucket list this year and  just as many added. Another birthday under my belt!

My 40th birthday

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I spent the first couple hours of my 40th birthday at the ER in downtown Chicago. 

Today is my last day of being 40. Tomorrow is my silver birthday. No, it is not because I have silver hair as the kids thought. It happens when the numbers in your birth date flip flop, the opposite of a golden birthday. I just found out about this 2 months ago. Good thing, I guess, since tomorrow is the big day. But I have to work tomorrow. That can be a hazard of being self-employed. My employee who covers for me, especially on the long running days, has the day off tomorrow. Her mother is having surgery. Sorry you have to work it is my silver birthday would be totally wrong. But I digress, you probably want to know how I ended up in the ER. 

Last year I started my birthday celebration off with my first and only ear cartilage piercing. Milestone birthdays always require special rituals. My friends took me out to eat and dancing afterwards. I started celebrating July 3rd as my real 40th birthday was on a Monday and let me tell you that the nightlife around here on a Monday night is nothing worth blogging about. Half of my friends were up north already for the holiday weekend, so it was a rather small crew. I headed up north the following day myself and that is where it happened. My youngest daughter, Arabella, got sick with a fever. I took her to a fast care when we got home Sunday because she had a 104 temp after meds. They said she had a virus and sent her home. Arabella got a lot of rest and seemed to be feeling a little better. 

We headed to Chicago later that week as planned to pick up my mom and oldest daughter from the airport after a school trip. We toured the aquarium, saw The Blue Man Group (awesome show by the way), and I bought myself an authentic 70’s hippie outfit that I wanted to wear out for my birthday. By the end of the weekend, poor Arabella was very sick and feverish. She had to stay behind with family for some of the planned events. In the wee hours of my 40th birthday, Arabella was burning up. Paul and I decided to call our family dr first thing in the morning. When we called our family dr, we found out that she retired that morning. Really? WTH! So we found that nearest ER to find out that Arabella had pneumonia. We were given antibiotics for her. That night I went to the House of Blues for my birthday. I didn’t dress up because I felt down that I had to leave Arabella behind and my other kids said that weren’t going if I dressed in hippie garb. Party poopers!

We headed home the next morning. Arabella wasnt feeling any better and on the ride home she developed hives from the antibiotic . We got home and headed back to the ER. This time the dr thought it was asthma as she responded well to the steroid treatment. They took her IV out and were ready to send us home when the dr decided to do a quick X-ray . The X-ray showed pneumonia everywhere. The dr mentioned hospitalization and put the IV back in as I started to cry. Further tests showed a really bad case of walking pneumonia. The dr reluctantly sent us home with promises of finding another dr for follow up. This is how my 40th year started. I hope that tomorrow proves to be a less eventful start of my 41st year. 

The cure for autism, part 8

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Biofeedback.  Matt was obsessed with little girls. He could hear the high pitched voices of their teasing and laughter on the grade school playground. Their mockery and teasing played like a recording over and over in his head for over a decade. He also heard voices in his head to hurt little girls. Since I was the only little girl around I was most often the target of his attacks. He pulled my hair, scratched up my arms, and swung at me with a closed fist to the upper arm sometimes on a daily basis. My mantra while enduring this was that every bruise or scar was going to make me stronger. Believe me, it has made me a stronger person mentally and physically as a marathon trainee. 

Eventually I did what most little girls do, I grew up. I became my brother’s caregiver. Parents, a strong word of advice, this is a bad idea! It is also a very bad idea to have your children’s friends be caregivers too. Another blog, another blog. I grew up but Matt didn’t. He was still fixated on hurting little girls. Mom found a new doctor who was into biofeedback. It involved hooking Matt up to a small machine to monitor when Matt was feeling anxiety. Using biological cues, he was suppose to be able to stop himself before hurting someone. So in the summer I would trudge around the local parks that were full of laughing and squealing little girls so we could hook Matt up to this equipment. I know this was supposed to be a good thing, but it felt so terribly wrong. 

Still no cure. 

The goodbye rescue kind of sail

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Paul may have saved a man’s life last night. 

Last night we went sailing with Tom and Lisa (my running partner and bff) to say our final goodbyes before they move from Wisconsin to Florida. We keep our boat on a relatively large body of water. I am not giving anything away as our state is practically surrounded by large bodies of water and contains large and numerous lakes and rivers. It is rumored that we have more lakes than our neighboring state of Minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes. But I do not want to start a debate. Let me tell you that sailing on a large body of water isn’t always a breeze. Ha ha. Last night was no exception. 

The night started off breezy even though the forecasters said that there wasn’t going to be much of a wind. We were sailing with the same friends that we went on the accidental overnight sail with that I blogged about earlier. We have had so many crazy wild adventures with them that I thought I would give them names which means future crazy wild stories. Anyway, we decided to take a sail out to a landmark for some awesome goodbye photos. Lisa and I share the love of running and photography. The sunset pictures were going to be divine. The wind took us to our destination in no time. It was so windy that there were whitecaps with two to three foot waves. We had our pants and sweaters on as it was a chilly July night. The water splashing up on us was not much warmer. Lisa and I went out on the bow and started posing for the camera when we saw a little guy in the distance out on the water struggling. We asked him if he needed help and he said he would be okay. We looped around taking more pictures. 

When we made it back to the man a second time he was clearly in trouble. He was in a small boat, about the size of a canoe with a small sail on it. He had tipped the boat over several times struggling with the waves and the wind. The water was cold, it was getting dark, he was 5 miles from shore, and we were the only boat around. It was going to take us an hour to get back to shore at dusk under motor. His situation was getting dire. I was picturing in my mind the morning news story of a man lost at sea drowning. A man in the background of our smiling pictures. My husband Paul did what any great captain would do, he threw out a line and kept us all from panicking. After the man swam to our boat, I did what any good captain’s wife would do. I wrapped him up in my warm, fuzzy purple robe and handed the guy a beer. Apparently, he headed out for a short sail about four hours before. The wind took him out and he couldn’t get back to shore. He was clothed in a swimming suit, life jacket, and inexperience. He had nothing on the boat to eat or drink and left his cell phone at home. He was in big trouble. 

Paul may have saved a man’s life last night. 

Dogs, part 2

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I have learned in the running world that dogs aren’t always your best friend. I have had multiple run ins with animals on the road. Last week I saw a fox for the first time. The week before I ran with a deer and almost saw a poor cat get hit by a truck. Thank God I never saw a bear or I would be griping about them instead. I used to run with my beagle up until last year. He is almost 8 and can no longer keep up with me. He runs with my husband instead. Last week I had to pick up my dog while running because he injured his paw. He howls and cries if we try to sneak out running without him. He loves it too. 

I used to run with my running partner and dog mainly on the back roads. Now I run on the busier roads because the people that live on those roads keep their dogs tied up. The first encounter happened with a Great Dane. The biggest dog I have ever seen. His head reached my chest and he was eyeing up my dog like he was a little house cat. I had a really big problem here because I couldn’t outrun my running partner. Thankfully the dog’s owner noticed he left the yard and got him before anyone was hurt. 

The second dog encounter involved a black lab. This dog seemed friendly enough. He frequently would chase us and bark a bit. No harm in that, right? Well one day he snuck up on us out of a brush filled ditch. We were running at a good pace when he startled us. This ambush caused my dog to run in front of me to avoid the other dog. I tripped over my dog and landed hard in the gravel. I gashed up my knee pretty bad. It was a long 2 miles home bleeding gravel out of my knee and hands from trying to catch myself. I have a scar on my knee as a reminder of my running days with my two “best friends”. 

I will be saying goodbye to my best friend and first running partner tonight as she is moving out of the state. I will miss our many adventures on and off the road. On to happier trails and new adventures. You will be greatly missed. 

Marathon training, week 7

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I didn’t feel like running 18 miles today, but I did it. I don’t feel like writing a blog today, but I am doing it. I had a good 3 hours to contemplate why I feel such a lack of motivation. Everyday is not a picnic and fireworks, although this time of year it probably should be. I think some of it has to do with my parents selling my grandma’s house at the end of this month. I am going to help clean out her house tonight. Even though grandma has been gone for over six years now, this seems like the final goodbye to my childhood comforter. Coincidentally, I just found out today that my longtime running partner and one of my best friends will be moving out of state the end of this month as well. 

I did decide over the past couple of days that after running the marathon I want to stay half marathon conditioned. I will probably throw in a couple of 18 mile runs in there to keep my foot in the marathon door. There are not a lot of opportunities in my climate to run marathons in the winter months. 

Up north, part 2

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The fortune cookie luck that is ordained for me has apparently not kicked in yet. But I did survive the weekend with the whole extended family and the weather was great. If I do get smitten with good luck maybe I would donate a little of it to my mom. She just missed getting hit by a tornado on her trip back home. Maybe she was lucky that she missed the storm, but she was really pushing her luck.  

I was thinking a lot this weekend about coping mechanisms and how they change over time. My brother Mark seemed to cope with being around the family by drinking. I woke up early on Saturday morning and came out to sit by the fire at 6:30 AM. Mark was on his second beer by then which concerned me.     Other than that, he seems happy. He recently got engaged and is planning a fall wedding. His fiancé is good for him, I hope that he can bring out the best in her as well. I just worry about them. Mark is so much like my dad that I think being a husband and father will be challenging. It can be challenging for the most patient people in the world. I hope and pray that if there is any genetic factor involved in autism that any future children will not be effected by it. 

Luke has two little girls ages 5 and 7. I watched them play in the water, remembering when I was right between their age and watching my younger brothers in the water. It really gives me perspective on how young I was when given great responsibility. Luke worries that his kids hate him because he is a perfectionist who demands perfection. Luke is a great dad. I sometimes feel like my kids hate me and I don’t demand perfection. I don’t demand much of anything. I want them to have something that I didn’t have, a childhood. 

I felt like I could really relate with Luke. We are so much alike as adults even though we coped with life in totally different ways in our youth. The pendulum took us from our extremes to a common middle. He is no longer the party animal. He is serious and thoughtful. I came out of my shell. I no longer feel a lot of anxiety about spending time with the extended family. I am hoping that we can finally forge a relationship. 

Fortune cookies

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Up until this week, a majority of my fortune cookies have said similar things. You will lead a mediocre, boring, uneventful, mundane life but you have music in your heart. My husband, Paul, gets fortune cookies that say you have a brilliant business mind, you will conquer the world, sunshine comes out of your….. Well, you get the picture. Who writes these things? Did you ever get the the same fortune twice? I haven’t. I am not a superstitious person, however as a teen I cracked open a fortune cookie and nothing was inside at all. I was worried. What did it mean? Did the fortune cookie writer have writer’s block? Someone said I was very fortunate because it was rare not to get a fortune. I wore every seat belt I could find on my way home that day. 

This week I opened a great fortune cookie. It was so great that I almost automatically handed it over to my husband thinking it was for him until I saw the learn Chinese word on the bottom. The learn Chinese word was run. Since I am training for a marathon, this one seemed to have my name written on it. Here is what it said: The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. I sure could use a little luck. I will be spending the holiday weekend up north with my entire side of the family. Plus my in-laws will be stopping by. Yikes!