Winds of change..

IMG_1988It has been very windy around here the past couple of days. It hasn’t been the kind and gentle whistling wind that reminds me of my grandparents…the wind that whistled through the back window of my grandpa’s pick up truck.

No, it has been the harsh destructive kind of wind. It’s the kind that bends us without breaking us.

As many of you know, this past month hasn’t been the easiest one for us. A month has come and gone since the passing of my MIL from cancer. Over this month, several others have gently slipped away…parents of acquaintances…someone I knew my whole life but wasn’t close to…gone….swept away by the winds of time…loved ones mourned..

The wind blew away the dead leaves..yet left behind the empty nests..

Sickness swept through the house…even the pets had fleas…sometimes I want to burn the house down and start over…cleansing fires…(If the dryer starts my house on fire, I never mentioned this)…

Junk, plastic bags, dirt covered receipts, a mysterious sock, and things unwanted blew away when the whirls of wind billowed by.

My mom called a few days ago. My dad has gout (probably from his birthday dinner) and can’t get around. He missed a doctor’s appointment..

Bows and party streamers wrap around the empty branches. When did we have fun last?

My autistic brother Matt has been removed from all of his medications..after long term use, his liver is showing signs of strain…his numbers are reaching toxic levels…The first few days were rough. He slept only 4 hours the first three days…All of the symptoms the medications were controlling came back…his anxiety…his insomnia…his Tourette’s…the tics….the gagging…throwing up..

Sometimes the wind is so cold that it seems to blow right into my very soul. I have to bundle up to stay warm. I don’t let people see the layers beneath..

All of his symptoms are taking me back to the late 90’s…he was very ill then…he also has GERD, like me…Tourette’s caused gagging…extreme weight loss…vomiting meals, at the table or all over the bathroom floor…or somewhere on the way…usually only in the morning…until his valve closed between his stomach and intestines…then he kept no food down…plus having Celiac…not absorbing nutrients…his body starving…emaciated…yet he had no understanding of what was happening to him..but we did..

Sometimes the winters can be so lonely, dark, and cold. Why can’t it be a breeze? How did we ever make it through?

Yet, while this was happening to his body physically, his mind was attacking his body as well….he heard voices…he became agitated and randomly attacked people…he was violently autistic…the main people he attacked were family members….my mom…myself…as he was kept out of public as much as possible…for awhile, he wasn’t allowed in the public school because of his violence..

Why is it that the season before spring is so desolate and devoid of the hope of the warmth to come??

My wedding day in 1997…I told my mother I didn’t want my brother there…It was hard…Mother, I would be crushed if Matt attacked a wedding guest…It would ruin MY special day…I felt horrible about it…We took time away on our wedding day to have photos taken with Matt in a hotel room…Matt was so sick, my mom thought he would die…I said he couldn’t go to my wedding…Matt didn’t go to my brother Luke’s wedding either in 2002…he stayed in a hotel room…I asked a friend to be his caregiver so my parents could attend the wedding…when my brother Mark got married a little over a year ago, Matt attended and was fine…Now will this medicated stability go away??

I saw a decaying leaf fly away in the wind. Are all leaves different like snowflakes, I wonder…

Last weekend my mom told me that I need to write the story of Matt. I almost told her about this and all of the kind folks here, but didn’t. I couldn’t be honest anymore. I would have to protect her. Maybe I will drag out another diary soon…It’s been awhile..

Sometimes the wind is cleansing. It dries up our collective tears that puddle on the ground from the winter thaw. It removes the death and decay from the cold barren soil preparing it for new life.

Even though I can’t see it right now, I have hope that life will be better for us.

The winds are blowing the last few harsh remnants of winter away. Soon it will be spring..

 

 

Unbalanced

This morning I went dumpster diving and it was the most joy I found in weeks.

Am I unbalanced?

I was thinking lately about joy, about balance. The main sectors of my life for the last several years has been family, work, and training for marathons, etc.. I like things clean. I am happy when these sectors don’t collide….when they don’t interrupt other sectors..

Now my sectors are colliding and I feel unbalanced.

Yesterday I took time off of work to train..I didn’t get all of my work done at the end of the day.

Work is so busy I feel guilty for doing anything besides work…I don’t worry about money because of my hard work, but I don’t have time. I drive my car fast because I would rather pay a ticket then lose a few moments of extra time. I tell my son not to speed.

Work pulls at me when I am with family. Another email that needs responding to after hours. It will only take a few minutes.

I eat my lunch while driving to work out or while pacing around the kitchen.

Sometimes I am too busy to write. I should be working. I didn’t get caught up today.

Then the kids pull at me. There is always something going on after school that I have to take them to or be at. Then there was the last couple of weeks spending every moment with my MIL as she was in the final stages of cancer. Then I have to decide which kids to sacrifice the other kids for. Do I cancel out on my daughter’s first opera to stay home with a sick kid??

Then there was my son who was having issues with colitis and he couldn’t get treatment until he gave a sample. He couldn’t get a sample. Then this morning after another call to the doctor, I got the idea of taking a couple of specimens and making it into one sample. Great idea, but it involved me going out into the dumpster with rubber gloves and digging around. But I was successful! Now my son is on medicine and I feel so happy about it.

But I was late for work..

It is so hard to keep my life in balance.

Being very busy at work for the last 3 months, having to hire someone, having to train someone, more work, more customer service issues because we are busier..

Being busy at home running kids around, housework, laundry, dishes, sick kids, a death in the family…

Training for an 18 mile trail run, a marathon, and a Half Iron.

This morning I jokingly said to my husband that I wake up with shit on my lips. Sounds disgusting, I know. I wake up stressed. I mutter to myself oh shit off and on all day. I fall asleep at night stressed and exhausted.

Is all of this effort worth it?

Most of the time I can keep up, but I feel so unbalanced right now… I want to do everything well, but sometimes I have to leave some important things undone and that bothers me.

 

I’m (not) worried

I don’t really feel like writing today. The weekend went really well and poorly.

Paul and I were really stressed out this past week.

Thankfully, Arabella’s fever was gone by Saturday morning. She wasn’t 100%, but was up for a 4 hour road trip to see my daughter Angel perform.

Alex wasn’t fairing as well. His bacterial colitis was acting up and he couldn’t get treatment until we brought in a specimen.

By Saturday morning, I was feeling pretty stressed. Still no sample. I decided to work out Saturday morning like usual.

Paul and I were not getting along the last few days. While I was working out he sent me a text. I think you are a great mother. What did that mean?? I took it as an attack. I responded back with something like SCREW YOU and found out that he really meant it later. Misunderstandings..

We took separate cars since we had a large crew going out to the show…a ten mile run…a long drive…no sample..

I picked up my mom on my way.

It was my dad’s birthday. He turned 70. I rolled down my window and said happy birthday in a rushed murmur as I pulled away. A card and gift forgotten. Guilt. My dad didn’t go along.

The show was excellent! I am so proud…my daughter, the only freshman girl with a lead in her first opera. Magnifico!

I was expecting an introduction to the new guy she was talking about. Nothing. He is out of the picture. She told her ex to not bother coming to the show. Instead Mitch made the long drive to our house when we were gone to drop off Angel’s things. He dropped off 2 sweaters. Okay?!?

No fight between two guys out in front of the university cathedral like I was expecting.

After the show, a few of us went out for drinks. It was Darryl’s first time out since his wife passed away. After we got settled in, my son said that his stomach was hurting and that I was a terrible mother. We all raced back to the hotel right away.

I didn’t sleep well.

The next morning we visited over breakfast before the long drive back. I told everyone that I gave up worrying for Lent. Some snickered, others laughed. Don’t feel bad if you can’t do it. Maybe next year I will give up depression for Lent. Will that be easier??

Then we started the long drive back home. On the way, I killed a dog. Maybe I should clarify…when I was exiting a small town on a 2 lane highway…a small black lab puppy trailed by a purple leash ran out of nowhere. I slammed on the brakes. I had to maintain control of the car. There was woods on one side and a bog on the other. Stay on the road..Smack…I hit the puppy with the purple leash hard. Gone. He took off. I pulled over..Car and trucks whizzed by. No damage to the car. No sign of the dog..

My son got out and walked up and down the highway..no dog..we kept looking..we drove around. Where were the owners?? There was a truck parked by a trail. Alex walked over and talked to them. It was their puppy. He got away.. I was proud that my son took care of the situation..Where was the puppy?? Injured somewhere, dying in pain? I hit him pretty hard. Don’t worry..Why, why me?? Do you want me to stop worrying?? Wwwwhhhhhhyyyyy???

After about a half an hour, we finally left…the owners of the dog keep searching…I am shook up..I just killed a puppy…a baby dog…I can’t get the image out of my mind…My daughter texted me. How could you?? As if I didn’t feel shitty enough about it.

I get home later than expected…late to play practice…I just miss my big scene by seconds…I feel so angry and frustrated I want to scream out obscenities…but there are children around…I sit down and smile…and start the hardest act yet…pretending that everything is okay..

Can we just start the year over??

 

Lenten worry

This year I decided to give up worrying for Lent.

Before I made the decision, I had to decide if worrying was a problem. The plan was to keep a journal Wednesday and then give it up Wednesday night if I decided it was an issue.

I awoke Wednesday morning before the alarm went off worrying about what I wrote on my blog the evening before. Should I delete the post?

Arabella said she wasn’t feeling well. Is she getting sick?? What is wrong?

My stomach hurts. Am I getting an ulcer? Should I get my stomach scoped at my next physical?? Why isn’t the double dose of Prilosec working??

Did someone forget to let the pets in from outside last night?? Are they cold and freezing?? Maybe they are dead?

Don’t forget to buy tickets for Cindy’s sons musical. Cindy and Ted and traveling 8 hours this weekend and getting a babysitter to see Angel perform. What if I forget? What kind of friend would I be??

I’m cold. Will I wake up my husband if I sneak back into the bedroom to put on my robe and slippers?

March comes in like a lion. It’s snowing. My son will be driving to school later today because of a late start. Will he be okay? Will he go in the ditch? Will he die?? Will he even wake up in time?

Will today be the day that running the dryer will start my house on fire?? If my son is sleeping will he wake up and get out of the house in time?? Or will I kill him by doing laundry??

Will my employee come in to work or will I have to handle it all by myself??

I wake up Arabella for school. She is moving slow. Will she miss the bus??

Who is going to make supper?? What will we make? There is no food in the house and no time to cook after work and before after school commitments for the next two days.

My stomach hurts. Do I have an ulcer??

Wow, I do worry a lot. How am I going to stop worrying?

It’s 7:30 AM.

What if I have a bleeding ulcer?

Arabella texts me saying that she thinks she will be sick and will have to miss her sister’s show. I’m glad we got non-refundable tickets and hotel rooms.

My husband asks why I am so crabby.

I get a Facebook friend request from someone I don’t know. Is it a scam? Did someone find out my identity on WP?? Does everyone know about the crazy stuff I write about?? Do they know it’s me???

I worry that I am going to back into my son’s car as I leave the driveway. Will someone drive into me as I leave the driveway?? I worry about this everyday because of one time I didn’t see someone in my blind spot years ago.

Don’t forget to buy the tickets.

I’m at work.

For awhile keeping busy keeps the worry away.

My son calls me while driving saying that school was cancelled early because of a snow storm. He is almost to his friend’s house. Keep both hands on the wheel! The roads are bad. Will he be okay?? Did he let the dog out and leave him outside during a storm?? Is the dog freezing?

My employee calls in. I don’t get caught up at work.

I bought the tickets and put a check in the mail. Will the snowplow hit the mailbox and lose the ticket request??

Will we lose a big client because I can’t keep up at work??

Now my son is driving in the snowstorm with his girlfriend. Were they alone at the friend’s house?? Are they having sex??

Did I stop far enough away from the school bus??

Will I fall on the snow or ice and not be able to race from the injury?? Will my car get stuck in the snow??

Do I have an ulcer?

I forgot to practice my musical songs and the show is a month away.

I am ready to go to the Ash Wednesday service.

I worry over inappropriate laughter.

Arabella says she doesn’t feel well but has no fever. Did I forget to let the dog back in? What if my son goes in the ditch??

Okay, it looks like I will have to give up worrying.

When we get home, Arabella has a fever. Did she get the elderly couple behind us sick?

That’s right, stop worrying!

Yesterday, day 2 of the fever. Alex makes a comment that at least he is not sick.

Last night, Alex gets sick with another round of the bacterial colitis.

This morning, I am angry because I want to give up worrying but have a lot to worry about.

This morning, two doctor appointments for two sick kids.

A weekend road trip less then 24 hours away for my daughter Angel’s first opera.

I’m trying not to worry, but it has been so hard..

Instead of trusting God to help me with worry, I have been angry and blaming Him for giving me these struggles..

 

 

Ta(l)king f(l)ight

When Angel found out the news that her grandma passed away, she was on tour with her college choir. Then she came down with the stomach flu the next day.

I thought that maybe she wouldn’t want the lifestyle of being on the road after all of this happened, but she seems to want it more than ever.

Then there was this guy who took compassion on her while she was down when many of her other friends turned away….he bought her ginger ale when she was sick..he listened while she was crying…

Angel’s boyfriend Mitch was out at the movies with friends when Angel needed to talk…

Just like that, a 3 year relationship over..

I feel like the last thread of Angel’s childhood had been severed when she broke up with Mitch. It is really hard to let go because I miss her being my little girl.

Without tethers, she is soaring away like a songbird in flight. It will be exciting to see where her dreams will take her. It makes it easier to let go, although it leaves an empty place in my nest, to see her fly so high.

Mitch and Angel were going in different directions anyway. Perhaps it is for the best. Angel eventually wants to be an opera singer in a big city or preferably in Europe. Mitch wants to be a teacher in a small town.

This weekend Angel is performing in her first opera. Mitch bought tickets before they broke up to surprise her and still intends to go. He wants to get back together.

There is some talk of a confrontation between the new guy that Angel is not dating but likes and Mitch.

Once again, it seems like there is more drama off stage than on.

For a moment it took me back to ’91 when I was 16. At that time I was going out with this guy named Timmy T. Ironically, ‘our song’ was One More Try by Timmy T. It was a warm night in June when Timmy T and I gave it our last one more try. I picked him up and took him out to teen night at a local club. Once his friends showed up, he left me sitting in the corner alone.

That was the night I met Bobby. When I told him what happened with Timmy T, Bobby took him out to the parking lot to fight. They reminded me of a nature show when the young bucks would ram their antlers into each other. It was nerve wracking yet exciting that someone would fight over me, the damsel in distress. Oh please! Timmy T’s friends talked to me and asked me what was happening as if I knew a lot about boxing.

After the fight, Bobby and I went for a long walk and talked in the park. When I went back to pick up Timmy T, he had already left. The next day he called upset saying that his mom was going to buy me a promise ring from him. How could I ignore him?? Blah blah blah..he wasn’t half as nice as Mitch…and now my daughter is going through it..

I do remember Bobby asking me why I was hanging around Timmy T’s friends while he was fighting for me. Hello, I just met you and didn’t know your friends.

So I sit around and wonder…will there be a guy in costume with full makeup fighting in front of the school cathedral with Mitch over my daughter? Whose side will I take?? Is that how I will meet the new guy for the first time??

I certainly hope there isn’t any off stage fighting or drama.

Who knows? Maybe the whole weekend will be uneventful.

But if not, I’m sure you will be hearing all about it..

 

Forever 21?

It has been a rough month. If only I could wipe February off the calendar this year.

There were a few good things that happened though.

The most difficult thing that happened this month was burying my MIL who fought death and wasn’t ready to go.

That was followed by the break up of my daughter Angel with her boyfriend of 3 years, Mitch.

Let’s just say I would rather think about the possibility of planning a wedding instead of a funeral…

It wasn’t in the cards I guess.

Talking about cards… Guess who got carded??

There is someone living out there that thinks I could possibly be under 21.

I went to the grocery store and bought a 6 pack of Madtown Nut Brown Ale. Great beer, by the way. The lady looked at my driver’s license which clearly stated 1974 and glanced at my face several times. I am hoping that she couldn’t believe I looked so young for my age versus she was visually impaired in some way.

Just for a quick comparison…the picture on the left was taken a few days after I turned 21. I remember the night well.

After sipping (not slipping) on mudslides, I decided to highlight my own hair.

Great! Now I’m thinking of songs…slip sliding in the rain…singing in the rain…what a glorious…anyway, back to my hair…

Highlighting my hair was a royal pain. Come to think of it, I don’t know of anyone else that did it besides hairdressers with their own hair.

Highlighting…I remember putting what was like a swimming cap on my head. Then I had to pull through small strands of hair out of tiny holes in the cap with what looked like a knitting needle.

I would not be considered a person that has a lot of patience to sit down and do crafts like knitting.

In fact, the only crafts I like is craft beer.

So, I said screw it, pulled the cap off, and highlighted all of my hair. Kind of gave me the grunge Kurt Cobain hair that was so wicked in the 90’s anyway. Who says that anymore?? That is so wicked.

The picture on the right was taken after I turned 21 for the second time.

I don’t look a day older from picture to picture, right??

Okay, maybe a couple of years**cough**cough**decades..

Forever 21?? Ah, who am I kidding??

It was fun while it lasted though…I chuckled in wicked mad laughter at the thought as I sipped my Madtown Nut Brown…slipped down…sliding…singing in the rain..Great!

 

 

Walking in a winter wonderland

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It’s snowing again in Wisconsin.

Or maybe I should say that it’s a raining, sleeting, windy, thundering, freezing rain kind of snow.

We’ve had it good the last couple of days with warm temperatures in the 50’s even up to 60. People wore shorts with a smile on their faces. People were out in droves on walks, runs, bikes, and motorcycles. People were out on drives with their windows down. I hung out my laundry on the line.

I can’t remember a February that was ever this warm..

Then this happened..

I awoke at 4:30 AM to the tapping on my window. It announced that winter was back in town. When winter left, it took the snow with him. Big ice chunks flowed down the river washing what remained of winter away.

For a few days, I was happy to see the sun.

Last Saturday I went on a 21 mile run with my friend Lisa. I felt great afterwards. Neither one of us were sore. I thought maybe it was because we took breaks after every 5 miles to stretch and re-hydrate. Or maybe it was because I took some time off from running for the funeral.

Then it occurred to me that this was the first long run that I’ve probably had outside without a heat advisory.

It boosted my confidence.

I think I can do a Half Iron now. I feel motivated.

Next week, I will start my swimming lessons.

I also booked the trip to Michigan to visit my cousin and run 18 miles on a trail race with him. We decided to take the train for this trip. It is something Paul and I have never done before. It has been such a long time since we got away that my credit card declined the Amtrak purchase due to a fraud alert.

For now I’ll be walking in a winter wonderland. But it won’t be long until I am outrunning again..

Parenting from my horse and buggy

A few weeks ago, I received a text from another parent regarding my son.

Surprisingly, it was not a late Friday night knock on the door.

She told me that my son was driving 15 mph over the speed limit on the highway with her son in the car. She knew this from an app and suggested that I get the app too.

I decided not to.

When I confronted my son about his driving, he became upset.

His friend got a ride with him to the band concert because his parents didn’t want to attend. No one bothered to show up on his behalf. But they complained about my son’s driving.

My son said that if they have a problem with the way he drives, then maybe they should take their son and be involved in his life.

I don’t want my son to speed on the highway, but I have to agree with him. What good is constant nagging without being an involved parent??

I already have the app that tracks my children. I know where they are at all times.

I have the app that tracks their grades. I know about every missing assignment, every time they were a few minutes late to class, and every bad grade.

Every night could be a nag fest.

Did you turn in that assignment yet??

How is it going to make them responsible for their own lives if they constantly have mom and dad telling them what they need to do?? How can they think for themselves if we already have a solution for every problem??

Sometimes I think parenting was a lot easier when parents didn’t know so much.

I remember bringing my report cards home and the screaming and threatening only lasted a day or two. Sometimes I was even surprised by my grades.

I remember going to the library (where people smoked cigarettes) if I needed answers to questions. Shocking, I know. This comment should almost give my blog an R rating. The librarians had all the answers or knew where to find them, kind of like Siri.

I remember my parents saying that I had it made in my day because a bus picked us up for school. They had to walk uphill both ways to a one room schoolhouse that didn’t have indoor plumbing.

Every generation seems to think that the next generation has it so much easier. But is it really true with this generation?

When I was a kid, I spent my summers riding my bike around town from morning to night. Sometimes the chain fell off or I got a flat tire. Sometimes there was a storm.

I didn’t have a phone to call someone to pick me up. I had to solve my own problems.

I feel like some of that is missing in today’s world.

I wonder when we convinced ourselves that it wasn’t safe for our kids to ride their bikes around all day.

Parents worry about sexual predators, but somehow we convince ourselves that having our kids inside on the internet is safer than riding a bike around town.

To think we didn’t even wear helmets. That would be considered bad parenting today.

Now my kids can’t live without their phones. My daughter called me from her friend’s phone this morning saying that she forgot her phone at home and asked if I could bring it to school for her. I said ‘no’. I told her that I lived my first 18 years without a phone. I’m certain that she could survive for one day.

The kids of today have phone separation anxiety. They are bored or antsy when they have to be without the internet or their phones for more than a few minutes. They run up huge amounts of data on long car rides. They don’t know how to get anywhere because they never look out the window, yet they are lost without their phones.

What kind of life is that?

I think that my kids are wasting their young years watching everyone else live online. But yet they need to stay up to date on technology if they want to have a good career. We’re damned if we do. We’re damned if we don’t. We struggle with them and ourselves over limits.

We don’t know what to do. We can’t relate. We never had this. More often then not, we need our kids help to make technology work. It can be very frustrating.

There is such a huge technology gap between what I know and what my kids know. I would need them to set up the parental controls. Why bother? They are always 10 steps ahead of me. How can I adequately monitor them?

It will be interesting to see how the next generation of parents respond to these issues. I think it will be much easier for them since there won’t be as much of a technology gap between the generations.

Forget helicopter parenting! I feel like I am parenting from my horse and buggy. Meanwhile, my kids are driving the fast snazzy automobile of technology. I can never keep up.

For the first time in history, I think that our children are teaching us more than they are learning from us. This scares me..

 

Getting personal

A couple of weeks ago, I asked my husband if what I post bothers him because the content is so personal. Frankly, sometimes it bothers me.

I really enjoy reading personal blogs, but sometimes I am disappointed by the posts in that category. There are always a few people that post about switching coffee brands or ask which shade of lipstick looks better or post about movies which isn’t my idea of personal at all.

My idea of personal is talking about watching my mother-in-law die from cancer. It is talking about growing up with a violently autistic brother. It is about the issues I am having with my teenagers. Or feelings of depression, anxiety, and anger.

Paul, does it bother you when I talked about your mother dying??

Sometimes I don’t want him to read it, although the personal things I write about seem to bother me more than him.

He said that expressing my feelings is good. He said that if I didn’t blog he wouldn’t really know me as well.

I haven’t determined whether his response is good or bad.

The person that I am closest to in the world doesn’t think that he would know me as well if I didn’t blog??

All I know is that writing makes me feel better.

The last thing I want is for people to feel sorry for me. I want other people to relate and maybe feel like they aren’t alone on this journey.

I want to be real when I talk about life. I want to talk about the good along with the bad.

I don’t want to hear about perfection. I want to hear personal stories. I want deep conversation. I want honest reflection.

Tell me about the time when things went wrong.

Getting personal is what I want in a blog and that is what I’m trying to give.

Martha’s eulogy

When I first met my mother-in-law Martha, she was only a few years older than I am now. She was taking care of her mother in Paul’s childhood home on the highway.

Time has been slipping by fast since then. The seconds turned to minutes to hours then years past and a few decades slipped away as well.

This will be the 20th year since Martha’s mom left us. I was glad I could meet her and see Martha’s kind and compassionate care for her.

Paul’s childhood house is gone too. A gas station stands where the house on the highway used to sit.

And now he lost his mother too.

I have to be honest that the last few weeks have been totally heartbreaking. Martha became someone I didn’t recognize anymore. I want to forget the last couple of weeks and only remember the good times. I want to remember her laughter and not our tears.

Martha always had a way of taking the negatives and turning them into positives. I remember taking her in for her biopsy right before her diagnosis of breast cancer many years back. She wasn’t even worried. She had a good attitude saying things like ‘it wasn’t so bad’ and ‘I can handle doing this again’. She fought the first battle courageously and won.  Little did we know at the time that she would be facing this fight again. But she battled it courageously with optimism and hope.

Most people would describe Martha as a lot of fun. We spent a lot of our time together laughing. I will miss her laughter. Although she was one of the nicest ladies you would ever meet, it was in your best interest not to get her mad.  She was afflicted with the family temper, which believe me, I have learned quite a bit about. If something was bothering her, you would be sure to hear about it. But once she spoke her mind, it was forgotten. She was never one to hold a grudge. She was never one to judge either. She accepted people with open arms and made them feel welcome.

Unlike me, Martha never spent her time worrying. She was carefree. We needed her to bring the fun and excitement to the room. She didn’t worry about time, structure, or routine. She got there when she got there. This is the one time that she showed up to heaven’s gates too early.

She was happy with what she had. She didn’t need the newest fashions or glitzy bling.

I remember the days when Martha drove around a puke green 1970’s model station wagon. We were quite the sight driving around town. People stared. She would just laugh and say something like, “It is not much, but it gets me where I need to go.” She really didn’t care what people thought of her. I really liked that about her because that mind set is so freeing. She was herself.

Some might have said, at the time, that her biggest mistake was having a child at a young age without a husband. But I would have to say that her biggest mistake has been my greatest blessing in life. It is the reason I am here now with a wonderful husband and these beautiful grandchildren of hers. I will always appreciate the sacrifice that she made to raise Paul on her own. She held down a job. She put her life on hold for him. She always told him that he could do whatever he put his mind to. She was a great mother and thankfully Paul had the opportunity to tell her that.

A few weeks ago, she shared that the biggest regret in her life was that she didn’t meet Darryl sooner. Darryl was the love of her life. They shared many wonderful years together in their house in the woods.

She loved the time she spent with her family and we will miss her.