- I’m grateful to catch a break with a trip to the Caribbean.
- While we were gone, it snowed two feet. We were able to get out and go cross-country skiing for the first time this season.
- My brother Luke and his family spent the weekend at our house. We watched his daughter compete in a swim meet.
- Yesterday we went out to eat for Paul’s step-dad’s 70th birthday. It went a lot better than I expected it would.
- Arabella’s face is healed and she went in for her court assessment today.
- Paul and I had a good meeting with our couples therapist this morning.
- We were able to see Angel and her husband every day over the weekend.
Birthday
Gratitude week 143
- My daughter is getting married this week!!!
- My best friend and I found Arabella a beautiful dress to wear to the wedding.
- Today is my husband’s birthday. I’m grateful for him and his mother for trying to give him the best life she could as a single teen mom.
- I’m grateful Paul’s gift arrived early (when he wasn’t home to see it) since the delivery date wasn’t until after his birthday.
- I’m grateful to have the kids home to help him celebrate his birthday. I bought him a pie and we are going to order Indian take out.
- I’m grateful for some time to just think and reflect over the weekend. My husband was gone all weekend for work and my son, his roommate, and girlfriend were out of town to celebrate a friend’s birthday. I realized I haven’t spent a lot of time alone in my life. I’ve never lived alone. It was refreshing to have some quiet time. It was nice to do what I wanted. I could listen to the music I like without someone asking me to turn it down or complain about how depressing it is. LOL I finished the book I was reading.
- Earlier this past week, I was able to enjoy what the rest of summer was willing to give. Then like clockwork it got dark and cold on the first day of autumn. Nearby areas had frost warnings. I’m really sad to see summer go, but I am looking forward to my second favorite season autumn. The leaves are starting to change colors and that’s simply gorgeous. I enjoy the cool crisp air, campfires, fall cleaning, not having to do the endless weeding, wrapping up in a blanket, pumpkin pie, and fall holidays.
- The landscaping company came and replaced all of our dead plants.
- My mom got a last minute call on the waiting list for cancelled appointments to see a specialist she had to wait several more months to see. They were able to do some tests and hopefully she will have some answers soon, a lot sooner than waiting until the middle of December anyway.
- I’m grateful for my close friends who offered to do things for the wedding. Lisa, who previously worked as a hairdresser, is going to be helping Angel get ready. My best friend Cindy offered to take their vehicle back to their house after the ceremony and drop off the gifts later that evening. Angel asked two of her bridesmaid’s fiancés to help, but one of the guys apparently didn’t feel comfortable driving anything bigger than a Prius. Seriously??!? Our friend James offered to drive people home who have been drinking.
- I’m also grateful to have a lot of people we know helping with the wedding such as the florist, the photographer, and the DJ. It’s great to support local businesses. They all gave us discounts even though they didn’t need to.
Gratitude week 134
- My son helped me make a beat and that was fun.
- We finally finished our landscaping project we did ourselves and it cost about a quarter of the price we were quoted.
- Summer! It’s been a hot week.
- Angel turned 24 this past week. Paul and I took Dan and Angel sailing for her birthday. We had a lot of fun.
- Angel had her bachelorette party up north this past weekend. Nobody got too crazy and it was a really good time. We went swimming, walked to get ice cream, went out to eat at a supper club with live music, and played games. I got to know some of her friends better.
- The heat wave is finally over and we are back to opening the windows to enjoy the fresh air.
- The wedding shower has been planned and the invites have been sent out in the mail.
- Paul and I are leaving for vacation in a couple of days for our 25th wedding anniversary. I’m excited to check off a couple more states on my bucket list.
- It’s been stressful week, but I think most of the issues have been resolved for now.
Gratitude week 133
- I changed my cartilage piercing for the first time in two and a half years with no issues, no swelling, and no bleeding like the last time…so after 8 years I think it finally healed.
- Fresh picked cherries and my husband made cherry pie for the first time.
- Summer!
- My birthday week…seriously, I’m all birthdayed out.
- Sailing on my birthday and staying overnight on the boat with Alex and Lexi. It was Lexi’s first time sailing plus her birthday was the day after mine…so lots of celebrating.
- Celebrating my birthday with friends and family over the weekend.
- Going out for lunch and getting a massage with my mom for my birthday today.
- My good friend Lisa quit drinking. I’m happy she is making a healthy choice and is taking care of herself. She is a friend I really worry about especially the last couple years after her teenage daughter died.
- I’m always grateful to be home and sleeping in my own bed.
Gratitude week 124
- Angel started having migraines and went in for an MRI. Everything came back normal which I am very grateful for.
- We finished watching Ozark. I think it was one of the best series I’ve ever watched.
- Mom and I had a spa day which I am very grateful for since lately everything seems to hurt. If only I could go every day..
- We had some record breaking hot days this past week. I needed a little summer in my life. It’s amazing how everything turned green within the past couple days. The grass needs mowing and there are leaves on the trees and flowers are blooming.
- We were able to sail across the bay to our boats summer home. It’s nice to see all the boats back in the water again. We are gearing up for my favorite time of the year.
- After the spa, mom and I met with Angel for supper. My mom picked out her grandma of the bride dress. We got to the store 15 minutes before it closed. There was a dress the right size and the right color that looked great on my mom. She didn’t have time to be indecisive about the dress, so she bought it! It’s nothing short of a miracle.
- It was Arabella’s 19th birthday over the weekend. My baby is 19, I can’t believe it! I’m grateful she celebrated another year of life.
- Arabella’s apartment is ready. I’m grateful that getting an apartment was wonderful inspiration for birthday gift ideas.
- Arabella’s boyfriend Will was in a car accident this past week. He took a curve a little too fast and hit a tree. I’m grateful he didn’t get hurt. Although his car has some damage and is in the shop, he doesn’t have to get a new car.
Honoring the dishonorable
Next week my dad will be celebrating his 75th birthday. It should be a grand celebration surrounded by his children and grandchildren. There should be a cake with candles a blazing, birthday cards, thoughtful gifts, and laughter. But there won’t be any of that.
On his birthday, Paul and I will be going to a Wisconsin Dells waterpark with our children and their significant others for an extended weekend. I planned it that way so I wouldn’t have to think about my dad’s birthday and how a relationship between a father and daughter should be. It’s painful I won’t be celebrating with him. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Maybe I’ll call him. I tried to find a card to avoid an awkward conversation, but all the cards talk about love, admiration, honor, and respect. My dad doesn’t bring to mind any of those things.
On a side note, I totally think there is a market out there for shitty dad’s greeting cards. Who wants the sappy love stuff when their dad is a deadbeat? Or it could be for anyone for that matter, an annoying mother-in-law. It could cover all the major holidays so an awkward phone call isn’t necessary so I can feel like a good person although the recipient is a total ass. But I digress…
I talked to my brother Luke yesterday. His daughter Eva has a swim meet near our house and he was wondering if they could stay with us the weekend of our dad’s birthday. I told them they could stay at our house even though we will be out of town. We talked about our dad’s birthday. Luke said he would be driving by our parents house on our dad’s birthday. He wondered if he should stop by, then decided not to.
Luke said our dad never taught him anything. The only time my dad and him ever spent alone together was when my dad was whipping his ass. But beyond all of that, when my daughter Angel found porn on my dad’s computer and turned it over to the police it changed things for all of us. My brother’s daughters are the same age as some of the children in the images. My brother told my dad if he ever wants to see his grandchildren again, he needed to do several things. I can’t remember what all the conditions were. One for sure is that my dad needed to seek counseling. He didn’t do anything my brother asked him to do. Should he go back on that because it’s our dad’s 75th birthday?
His daughters have not seen my dad for over two years now. He said that once he opens that door it will be hard to close it again. I totally agree. We had the same issue with our brother Matt. Matt heard voices to hurt and/or kill our children. I did not allow contact between my brother and children when they were little after he attacked my daughter. Christmas was so hard. My mom would drop off the gifts then leave. The kids would cry. We had to be very careful. That was before Matt went to a group home and was on anti-psychotic meds.
So, yeah, how lucky I’ve been to have a brother and dad we didn’t/don’t want our kids around. I told my brother to just keep driving. I told him not to tell his children it’s grandpa’s birthday. They don’t understand the situation. Because they don’t, they might think their dad is in the wrong for ignoring his dad on his birthday when their dad has been everything our dad never was. For that I am thankful.
We both feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not spending time with our dad on his birthday because we still want to honor our parents. We want a relationship that will never be. Sadly, our dad made a lot of bad choices and we have to accept that and the pain that comes with it. We have to do things in the best interests to protect our children. It’s not the way we want things to be, but that’s the way it is.
So, in recognition of our dad, my brother and I became the parent he never was. I’m going to spend his birthday celebrating that with my own family and my brother will keep on driving.
I want my money back
I heard an ad recently that stated if you’re going to borrow money, borrow it from a pessimist because they won’t expect you to pay them back.
Recently my daughter Angel called me a pessimist.
That makes me question…Are all depressed people considered pessimists? Why are pessimists viewed so negatively? Why is it such a bad thing that most people resist being labeled a pessimist?
I admit I have been rather depressed lately. I haven’t felt much like writing. Tis the season. It’s not uncommon for me to feel this way at the end of summer. I’m going through warm summer sunshine withdrawal. My favorite season is coming to an end. It’s starting to get dark at 7 PM and I’m ready to go to bed. I haven’t been sleeping well and have been having nightmares again. We closed down the cabin for the year. The long sailing trips are over. Even the early morning runs before my daughter starts working will be over soon too. I eat, breathe, and live for the summer which is almost gone. I can almost taste the darkness that lies ahead mushed in with this crazy world we live in right now. It tastes a little like pumpkin spice mixed with onions.
Now before you cast me off as a hopeless Eeyore, I want to argue that perhaps I am not a pessimist after all. Maybe, in fact, I am quite the opposite. Maybe I am overly optimistic. I have inside of me this innate perfectionism. I can envision in my mind a flawless utopia. I see the world as it should be. The problem is that it is not that way. There is a difference between my ideal and the way things really are. How can that be fixed? I wish I knew. I kinda somehow think it’s going to take a little more than rose colored glasses.
A couple months back I told you the story of how my elderly friend Harv surprised me by baking me a cake for my birthday. It was a bittersweet moment because my own dad never acknowledged my birthday. No cakes, no cards, no calls, not even one birthday spanking. That one act of kindness from Harv nearly broke my heart. It was a happy day, yet at the same time very painful because my own dad probably didn’t even remember it was my birthday.
A pessimist might say…My dad hates me. I hate myself. Birthdays are stupid anyway. Harv is retired so he had nothing better to do.
A realist might say…Most dads care about their daughters enough to wish them a happy birthday. Harv is a good dad. My dad doesn’t care. It is what it is. How people treat me does not define who I am.
An optimist might say…Isn’t it wonderful that someone cares about me enough to make me a cake? Maybe next year that will be my dad making me that cake because I am fricken awesome. He really does care about me but has a hard time showing it. Blah, blah, blah…
I’ve always aligned myself as a realist instead of a pessimist. But sometimes the truth is too painful. I don’t have control over whether my dad calls me for my birthday or not. I could try to force it by calling him and telling him it is my birthday. But why bother? It’s not going to change things. Sometimes I just want to have a perfect life. Is that so wrong? I see how I want my life to be but I don’t have control over other people’s choices nor should I. Sometimes reality sucks and if that makes me a pessimist so be it then.
I don’t want to be an optimist, but here I am a utopic visionary in a dystopian world. Optimists rather annoy me anyway with their chirpy words of false hope. Things will get better with your dad. Just wait. How much longer do I have to keep waiting? I want to know because I am not getting any younger. I’m getting older. Okay, I’m 47.
Oh by the way I hate the glass half empty half full argument. In all reality, that glass probably shattered a long time ago. And I want my money back.
Spending my birthday with my (fake) dad
It was Paul’s fault really. I told him not to tell anyone that it was going to be my birthday, but he did anyway.
We needed to sail our boat back to her home port after some routine maintenance. We made plans to sail the boat back with Harv and Kate. It was meant to be a fun little trip until we heard about the high chance of severe weather. I was almost happy when Kate cancelled coming on the trip because of back problems. I probably mentioned this quite awhile back, but our good friends are in their upper 80’s. I was afraid if we hit stormy weather that Kate would get hurt as she is rather small and frail.
Harv asked if another buddy of his could go instead which was fine. I dragged myself out of bed at 5 AM on my birthday so we could try to make the trip before the storms hit. It was going to be an adventure everyone was up for. Harv and his buddy were probably sailing before I was born. Along with my husband, I thought there was no group of experienced sailors that I would rather risk a storm with. The weather was perfect that morning. It was warm with a brisk breeze. We caught the wind and were able to sail back with an hour and a half to spare before the storms hit.
We made it back to the marina at lunch time. Harv treated us to lunch. But that wasn’t all. He surprised me by making me a cake. Instead of frosting, he covered it with tapioca pudding. They sang happy birthday to me. Harv only put 8 candles on the cake so it was a little short. But they were trick candles. Every time I blew them out, they relit. After we enjoyed his cake, he pulled confetti poppers out of his bag. When you pulled on the string confetti would pop out. Harv and I had a confetti fight until there was confetti everywhere. We all laughed and had a good time.
Harv (and Paul) worked really hard to make my day special.
I felt happy that Harv took the time to think of me and make me a cake. But underneath it all was a whole mess of hurt and sadness. My own dad didn’t acknowledge my birthday in any way. He didn’t call or send a card. He never did. He never bought me a birthday gift much less bake me a box cake. In that one act of kindness, Harv was more of a dad towards me then my dad will ever be and that hurt.
I thanked Harv and gave him a hug. Harv’s friend joked and said that Kate would be jealous. I told him that I didn’t need another husband. I already have a wonderful husband. What I really needed was a dad. On that day, Harv was my fake dad and it really was a great birthday.
After Harv and his buddy left, the storms came rolling in. I always love a good (not damaging) storm. It’s the way my birthday is the majority of the time, stormy.
Gratitude week 81
- We made it across the bay back to our home port before the storm hit on my birthday.
- It seemed like absolutely everybody at the marina knew it was my birthday (even people I didn’t know). It’s probably the first time since I turned 40 that I am all birthdayed out. It was too much attention for this introvert.
- I met my son’s new girlfriend at my birthday party. She is really quiet and that is nice.
- Today I met my daughter Arabella’s new boyfriend. I did meet him briefly before when he came over at night and I was sleeping on the couch. I told him it was nice to finally meet him when I was dressed. Well that was awkward. I meant to say it was nice to meet him when I was awake (not sleeping on the couch in my pajamas).
- Summer!! After the storms on my birthday I couldn’t ask for better weather.
- I am planning Arabella’s graduation party. I am grateful to plan her party. As I looked at all of her pictures throughout the years I found myself really grateful that I am planning her graduation party and not a funeral. Worrying about death is one of the hardest parts of being a parent of a child with serious mental health issues. Graduating was a milestone worth celebrating, even if she is not heading to college like all of my friend’s kids.
- Over the weekend I went out to eat at the restaurant Arabella works at. I felt grateful that she has a job she really loves.
- I also went to a wedding show over the weekend with Angel, Dan, and his mom. I think within the next week or so we should have a date. I still cannot believe my daughter is getting married!
- Although I slept better on the sailboat, it is really wonderful to sleep in my own bed again.
- I am grateful for Angel’s birthday this week. We are planning massages and going out to eat at our favorite pizza place.
Gratitude week 80
- I have been having a lot of computer issues as of late. Thankfully my future son-in-law Dan was able to fix my computer so I didn’t have to buy a new one. It is so incredibly fast now that I don’t even have to take a nap while it loads.
- Tonight we are going out to celebrate Dan and Angel’s engagement at a new restaurant I’ve never been to before. Dan’s parents will also be there.
- Summer! The weather has been perfect the last couple of days. Dry, breezy, and upper 70’s. It really doesn’t get a lot better than that!
- The weather was cool and rainy mid-week which delayed our sailing trip that we planned, but we were still able to go.
- I was able to spend the night on the boat at a beautiful marina I’ve never been to before. One night we anchored out with friends near an island I’ve also never been to. We were able to go to shore and tour a lighthouse. I live in such a beautiful area. I can’t wait to share the pictures.
- I went out to eat Indian food with my best friend one evening.
- Oh my gosh, my son has a new girlfriend. He has been single for over two years. I will be meeting her this week.
- My birthday week has officially started!!
- I got my hair cut and colored today. A little pampering is a good way to start the birthday week.
- I’m grateful I was able to write about some really difficult things and close the book on the last series.
Outrunning my demons 