Bucket list

The darkest day of the year

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It’s been unseasonably warm here in Wisconsin. It looks like we will set an all time high record on Christmas day. No white Christmas for us this year. We barely had any snow fall yet. It doesn’t feel like Christmas is just a few days away.

Today on the darkest day of the year, I always think of my great-uncle Harold. He would’ve been 98 years old today. Every year on his birthday we would go to his house and celebrate with him. There would be steaks and pineapple upside down cake. Aunt Grace would serve food on the multi-colored Fiesta plates, the only day of the year they would leave the pantry. It was one of the few days we saw Harold laugh and tell stories. Most of the time, he was next door working on cars at the family business.

Harold died unexpectedly the year Paul and I got married. I remember the last time I saw him. Paul and I were visiting my family to tell them the exciting news we were going to have our first child. We were able to tell everyone except Uncle Harold. He was outside working on a car while talking to clients. We didn’t want to interrupt him so we asked Aunt Grace if she could share the news. That was the last time I saw him alive.

We never really know how much time someone has left. If I knew, maybe I would’ve waited longer to talk to Harold. I think that is where a lot of my irrational guilt kicks in. If I’d only known, I could’ve done something different. I’m starting to let go of things, but it takes time to process. I couldn’t prevent the suffering of the people I care about and that hurts.

I tried reaching out to our previous employee today. But it was too little too late. I haven’t seen her for 5 years and I thought I could do something to prevent her from struggling with addiction, from committing a crime, and even from the attempt I think she tried to make on her own life? I want to help people. I want to fix them but I can’t. It’s as if I am wanting to play God and even He does not step in to keep people from physically dying and making their own choices.

I am feeling a lot better today. I wasn’t feeling the greatest yesterday, but I decided to volunteer yesterday and I’m glad I did. For awhile I forgot about my own pain. I spent a half an hour holding the baby of a homeless teen mom. He brought me joy as I held him and made him laugh. The mom needed clothes for her kids and was on her last diaper. She is a single mom living in her car with a two-year old and a baby. We had a record number of people who came in needing help yesterday.

Yesterday we had a new woman sign up for help from Africa. She is a single parent who recently came to America. She doesn’t speak any English and has zero education. She lives in a bad neighborhood. What really struck me was that there were several women from the same community that only speak Swahili. They are all parents between the ages of 20-25, the ages of my own children. I can’t even imagine what that must be like and to have absolutely no education. There is a language barrier with a lot of families that come in. It’s my goal this new year to become fluent in at least one other language starting with Spanish because I do know a little from high school, like way back from the last century.

There was a woman who came in that got arrested last week for child abuse. Ever since my own daughter was arrested, it’s really changed my view of criminals. Offering to help someone in need does not equate with me agreeing with the choices they make. They are people too. I am not afraid of them as much anymore. But that doesn’t mean I would walk down an alley by myself at night in a bad neighborhood.

Then there was the lady who stayed at the domestic abuse house. There was the lady that didn’t know she was pregnant with twins until two months before they were born. The people who reek of alcohol, cigarettes, and weed. The mentally ill. The intellectually challenged. Those who are going back to school to try to build a better life. The grandparents raising grandchildren.

I can’t go back and change anything in the past. But I can move forward and help people today.

The places I volunteer at are really hurting for volunteers over the holidays. So I decided to sign up at the places the next two days. Tomorrow helping families in need and Saturday at the cat sanctuary. I almost enjoy holding the cats as much as I enjoy holding babies. I especially love the feral cats or the cats that don’t warm up well to other people.

Maybe I can do some good to negate some of the bad in the world.

What’s happening – 11/15/23 (Legacy)

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Today we enjoyed an unseasonably warm fall day to take the puppies for a walk. This morning I had my lab appointment for a blood draw for my annual physical tomorrow. I’m not expecting any surprises. The pool guys also came out this morning to check out the problem with the hot tub. They couldn’t do diagnostics on the problem because our equipment is 30 years old. We will most likely have to update the control panel which now controls everything including the lights and audio system from a cell phone. Right now the sound system is ancient and works erratically. Half the lights are burnt out. We have some really nice outdated and expensive to update equipment. Yeah!

Several days ago, Arabella woke us up in the middle of the night knocking on our bedroom door. One of the switches broke in the bathroom she uses. When she flipped the switch, the bathroom fan did not go off, and smoke started coming out of the switch. We had another switch a couple years back that burned the plastic and a kitchen light that continuously flickers like a strobe light. I’m not sure about the wiring in this house. I really wish I would’ve seen our house in its youth.

Last week my therapist said I was starting my second half of life. Much like my house, I still wish I was in my glory days. I got old too fast. I never pictured myself being old. Why is it when you are going through something, you think it will always be that way? I always imagined myself remaining young and healthy. I never thought my vision and hearing would start to go.

I took good care of myself and never thought my health would decline as much as it did. I thought I would be running forever. I never thought my brawn would be gone. When things I used to do with ease now take so much energy I don’t seem to have.

Once voted by my senior class to most likely be a supermodel, I never thought my beauty would fade. I never thought my figure would slip. Yesterday I was talking to someone close to my age asking if I remembered when I was skinny but thought I was fat. Back when I was so self-conscious of my body not realizing I was going through the best looking years of my life.

Reminiscing about rotary phones because they worked so much better. Remembering the phone number of a relative that died 20 years ago but not knowing my kid’s cell numbers. Remembering trips to the library to glean every little bit of knowledge. Thinking useless thoughts like remembering when stores announced over the speakers that so and so with license plate number XXX-XXXX left their lights on. Complaining about how easy kids nowadays have it. Wanting to sit while the younger folks stand. Wishing I could just hold a baby in my arms again.

As I feel the end of autumn approaching, I know I’ve had my years in the sun. I was once young and beautiful. I went to college and had a career. I raised my children. I accomplished the goals I set out to do, such as run a marathon. A lot of things already happened in my life, some of my choosing and some just the twists and turns of life.

Now I have wisdom and experience. My therapist also said I have time and financial security, something I didn’t have a lot of before. Then I had responsibilities. Now I just have to worry about me. The second half of life doesn’t have to be the same as the first half of life to be fulfilling. Like my husband said, I don’t have to climb the mountain to see the mountain. Although there is sadness leaving behind the younger me, I can’t stay stuck in the past. Just my personality, I love thinking about the past and following traditions.

This past week my husband said not to focus too much on the past but now is the time to think of the legacy I want to leave. I think his words were very inspirational to me. What do I want to pass on to future generations?

This afternoon Angel and Dan returned home from their 1st anniversary trip to St. Lucia. I suggested the location and gave them advice on where to go and what to do. My husband and I visited the beautiful island 10 years ago. It was amazing to see their photos from some of the same locations we had photos taken. At age 25, they look so young, vibrant, and full of life. It felt good to help guide them using my experiences. Angel is also planning on running her first marathon next year. It feels wonderful that she is following in my foot steps.

This week I’m thinking how I can do my part to leave this world a better place by leaving a legacy worth passing down.

Our trip to Curacao

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We stayed at the recently opened Sandals resort in Curacao. No one from our area knew where this Caribbean island was located nor could they pronounce it. The island is located in South America next to the island of Aruba in the Atlantic time zone. They are known for the drink Blue Curacao.

We were able to check in mid-afternoon instead of evening since we were able to move up our flight a little due to the snowstorm at home. This vacation provided a much needed escape from the stressors of home. We spent a lot of time sitting on the beach. It was warm and always quite breezy. We spent our time relaxing on the beach, snorkeling, sailing the Hobie Cats, playing fuzzball, and dancing to a DJ on the sand of the beach.

One day as I was walking to the bathroom I got called over to play a game of Bingo. I probably had the worst card of everyone. But then they were going to play a game where the biggest loser won. I said I could win that game. The game leader gave us each four game cards and if a number of ours was called we had to flip our card over and could no longer use it. I ended up winning the game and was told I would be given a prize. I was invited to play more games but I didn’t want to be gone for a long time as I just told my husband I was going to a little walk to the bathroom. That evening a bed runner (like a table runner but for the bed) appeared in our room. I sure hope that was my prize because I took it home.

The following day I played Name That Tune and was one of the top winners. Finally all the useless music trivia that swirls around it my head was put to good use. Afterwards, we went to lunch and when we were coming back to the beach the game leader for that game came up to me and said she was looking for me everywhere. She told me I could pick a bottle of wine off a wine list for our supper that night. Although it was all inclusive, there still were special bottles we could order. My husband and I were lead to believe it was a prize for my knowledge of useless music trivia. The lady told me to go online and give her a good review for taking care of us. Then when it was time to leave, we ended up getting charged for the bottle of wine. Other than that, the service was exemplary. Everyone went out of their way to make the stay a nice experience for guests.

One day we rented a taxi and went into Willemstad with another couple. We did this on a Sunday which was not the best day to go because the markets were closed. We did visit a few of the shops that were open and went out to eat. We walked across the floating bridge and watched it open to the side when boats came in.

We really enjoyed the infinity pool. I thought the food was good, although there were a few dishes I didn’t care for. Paul thought the food was amazing. I really liked some of the signature drinks at a few of the restaurants. All and all, I would rate the vacation a 7. We did see a huge rat run through one of the restaurants in the evening and there was a sickly cat roaming around that needed care. We did see some interesting animals such as an iguana. The first day we enjoyed a couples massage. It was very relaxing. In general, it was great to just get away from home for several days. We really enjoy Sandals resorts, this is the third one we stayed at. The things I liked best were the view, the service, and there is always something to see and do. I liked the all inclusive part of the trip and not having to worry about hidden expenses. Even though there was no tipping, the service did not suffer.

Gratitude week 165

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  1. We made it out before the big storm came.
  2. I checked the continent of South America off my bucket list.
  3. Nobody died while we were gone.
  4. It was refreshing to visit the Caribbean and sit on the beach for a few days.
  5. I’m grateful that February is gone and winter is almost over.
  6. It’s good to be back home and sleep in my own bed.

Gratitude week 164

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  1. My husband and I had a nice Valentine’s Day at home eating crab legs and playing cards.
  2. The following night my husband and I went to a Valentine’s party at a restaurant through our church where we met some new people and went out afterwards with new friends we do volunteer work with.
  3. I took some time this week to get my hair cut and nails done. It’s been over a year since I’ve had my hair cut.
  4. I went over to Angel’s house and she made me supper a chicken artichoke dish that was excellent.
  5. Since my husband couldn’t be at the trade show, I went with our employee James. I don’t think I could’ve done it alone. Plus every night we went out after the show for food and/or drinks. I ran in to some friends which was nice.
  6. My daughter and her boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend now, got the charges against them dropped. I feel like they will be safe for now and if they are not they have other people they can call while we are gone. We talked about a safety plan going forward.
  7. Tonight starts a major snow storm in our area. The meteorologist said this will be the biggest storm in the last 4 years. The storm spans the whole state of Wisconsin all the way down to Chicago where we are flying out from. The airline allowed us to move up our flights. Even with moving up our flights, it’s really iffy if we are going to be able to fly out on schedule.
  8. I’m grateful to be able to leave earlier and not be constrained by work and kid schedules.
  9. By next week’s gratitude I will (hopefully) have another country and continent checked off my bucket list.
  10. I have been downright physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel really tired, stressed, and run down. I’m hoping this trip will allow us to recharge our batteries.
  11. I’m grateful for the great team we have around us. My husband and I each have our own separate counselors and our couples counselor. We have a wonderful small group of friends and family who have our back so even though things might not go smoothly while we are gone everything should be okay. We have done everything we can do. Now it’s time for us to take a break.

2022 recap

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It’s hard to believe in a couple days we will be kissing 2022 good-bye. It’s been an interesting year with a lot of changes. I’ll highlight the highs and lows of the year.

Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first. In January of this year, we had to put down our 14 year old Beagle. We had him since he was a puppy. It was hard to let him go, but I feel good we were able to provide him with a loving home the time he was with us.

This year I was diagnosed with arthritis. This was the first year in over a decade that I didn’t log any running miles or do any races. This has been a huge change for me and at times hard for me to accept.

This year I travelled within the United States. Here is the list of areas I visited:

  1. Nevada
  2. Michigan
  3. Illinois
  4. Idaho
  5. Montana
  6. Wyoming
  7. Washington D.C.
  8. Maryland
  9. Delaware

I crossed 4 out of 9 off my bucket list.

My husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in Yellowstone by Old Faithful. It’s hard to believe we have been married 25 years already and I’ve known my husband half of his life. It’s something worth celebrating.

Our daughter got married this year to a wonderful guy. They bought their first house, have great jobs, and are 100% independent. What a blessing they have been to each other and us.

We tackled some big remodeling projects.

We joined a new church.

This is the first full year ALL of our children are adults and are living their own lives which has many ups and downs. I’ve had to learn to let go of a lot of things and no one is ever totally ready for that.

That’s about all I can think of right now.

What are my plans for 2023? I don’t do resolutions. I want to think I try to be the best person I can be every day. I don’t have any big goals. I want to continue to help others. I want to continue to work on my issues for a stronger marriage and a healthier me. I want to continue travelling and plan on crossing South America off my bucket list in February. Other than that, the rest is just life which I will be writing about as it unfolds.

Happy New Year!!

Gratitude week 152

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  1. Thanksgiving; a time to count blessings.
  2. A visit to my massage therapist.
  3. Dan needing to get gas and missing a fatal car accident.
  4. Black Friday deals.
  5. Volunteering with my daughter sorting kids clothing.
  6. Devilled eggs and pumpkin pie.
  7. Clean sheets.
  8. Getting a good deal and planning a trip to the Caribbean this winter. We are going to an island in South America so I will be able to cross the continent of South America off my bucket list.
  9. I found an affordable futon couch to decorate my office with and will still be able to use my office as a bedroom if needed.
  10. I found the perfect Christmas trees this year. I got a traditional tree and found the white colored tree I was looking for. This is my second favorite time of year. This year Angel, Alex, and Lexi joined Paul and I picking out the trees and decorating. We finished the evening by watching my favorite Christmas movie, the National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

This uncertainty, part 4

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Usually I have my whole life planned out. Well, maybe not that extreme but you get the point. I thought I would be one of the few marathon runners that would run into their 70’s. That didn’t happen. Sometimes I still dream of running. I hate exercising now. I told the doctor all I really wanted to be able to do is run again. She chuckled at this and told me if I did she would be replacing both my knees in the next two years. It’s been a whole year since I ran and this year my husband and daughter will be doing the last race I did without me. I am happy for them and don’t want them not to do it because I can’t. I just never expected my life to be this way.

I thought I would be checking Europe off my bucket list in the summer of 2020. You all know what happened with those plans. Who would have guessed? When I plan things I pretty much plan on it happening. But I also learned life doesn’t always work out the way we plan.

Usually by this time I have next year all planned out as far as travel goes. This year I have no idea what I want to do. Right now I’ve set aside several dates on the calendar for going on a trip. That’s about it. My husband and I are thinking of trying last minute deals with these dates. My only rule is that I want to go somewhere I haven’t already been. The problem with this plan is that we aren’t spontaneous people. Even if we have absolutely nothing going on, we both plan our days. We are by nature extreme planners. We like our structure and lists. On Mondays and Thursdays I wash towels. We are going to try this but we might not like it.

Typically I would get some input from my husband about where he wants to go and I would plan everything. Checking off all 50 states and all continents is huge on my bucket list, but my husband does not have these constraints. These are higher priority trips for me. Now my husband is getting involved in finding the deals. Since at heart he is a finance guy, he spent hours creating a financial calculator down to the penny to analyze which is the best deal. I could care less about that but I am concerned I will find something and it will be gone before he can decide what the better deal is. Then who is in charge of the planning. It has always been me and it’s something I really enjoy. I have a systematic way of doing things. Hopefully this is not going to create conflict. Now I think all this spontaneity might not work. Part of the fun is doing all the research and planning the details.

There is also some uncertainty about the next step in our business. There is uncertainty regarding the economy. In my mind there is still some uncertainty around COVID. This year we had to cancel a trip because of it. If anything I am getting better living with uncertainty, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I’m not one of those we’ll see how everything pans out kind of person.

Gratitude week 149

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  1. The first half of the week was unseasonably warm and sunny so we were able to get out and about walking on the area trails.
  2. We had a plumber come out again since one of our pumps was clicking almost non-stop. Turns out we had multiple leaking toilets and once those were serviced it fixed the problem. So, yeah, another home maintenance problem fixed.
  3. I’m also grateful we have a well and are not on a water line. Oh my gosh would that be expensive.
  4. Lunch with my friend Jen at a restaurant I’ve never tried before.
  5. My husband is going strong on his detox diet and is almost halfway done.
  6. We got a dumpster a couple days ago and not only is the future office painted but now the carpet is torn out. I did most of the work myself. Physical labor feels great and doing a home renovation project has always been on my bucket list.
  7. With the dumpster I’ve felt more motivated than ever to get rid of stuff and declutter.
  8. I’ve also been motivated to do a little redecorating. We bought our house furnished and I am satisfied with most of the decor. However, there are some things I really don’t like. The area rug under the dining room table is ugly, stained, and worn so I just ordered a new one I like.
  9. As strange as it sounds for someone my age, I feel like I am really starting to figure out who I am and what I want. I guess that’s the benefit of having adult children and a mostly empty nest. Most of my life I felt the need to be responsible for other people even people I shouldn’t have had that expectation for such as my mom and disabled brother. I’m done with that now.
  10. I’m grateful to have more time to volunteer. It has been a really enjoyable experience to help those in need. I volunteer through a program supported by area churches to give out diapers and kids clothing to families in need.

Delaware

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Delaware is my 42nd state I’ve crossed off my bucket list and we had two full days to spend there. I’m a small town girl and wanted to visit somewhere off the beaten path. So I choose a small bed and breakfast in the town of Milton. Not a lot different from rural Wisconsin. The first evening we walked from the B&B to an Irish pub for supper. I have to say I was very happy with the food and service everywhere we went in Delaware.

Let’s get the negatives out of the way first. Traffic. I will never complain about traffic at home again after visiting out East. Oh my gosh! We must have sat forever at a yield sign before merging onto a busy highway. The lady in the car behind us was gesturing at us emphatically. I guess we were supposed to just go and hopefully someone would let us merge. Thankfully our rental car had Florida plates. Traffic was terrible. The other thing I was not impressed with was the live music I heard.

The bed and breakfast was a charming place built in I believe it was 1810 and a governor once lived there. The house is on a historical registry. I’ve never stayed in a B&B that was so old and as always kept a lookout for ghosts. But the innkeepers said the flickering lights had more to do with a hot water heater than anything else.

Our first day, Paul and I decided to hit up Bally’s Casino in Dover. I hate to admit it, but we had a great time losing our money. The casino was large and opulent with many choices. I liked that it was non-smoking although they did offer a separate room for the smoking section. We ate lunch at the casino and again the food was great. They had specialty drinks. I ordered a root beer float mixed drink which could be really dangerous.

That evening we walked to the Dogfish Head Brewery. We were hoping to get a tour but we arrived just after the last tour of the day left. I got a beer flight. We sat outside and enjoyed the nice weather. There were a lot of families playing outdoor games and people with dogs. I bought a t-shirt and a pint glass to remind me of our trip.

Our last full day we heard it was snowing at home and decided to soak up some sun at the beach. We decided to go to Cape Henlopen State Park. The water temperature was supposed to be the warmest at the cape at a balmy 69 degrees which was pretty close to the air temperature. At the point was where Delaware Bay meets the Atlantic Ocean. At first we walked along the bay. We had the beach to ourselves but the water was very cold. We decided to walk to lunch at Big Oyster Brewery from there which ended up being a long walk. Afterwards we took an Uber back to the cape.

At the cape, we got on our swimming suits and headed to the beach. We ended up walking around the whole cape which was rather massive. People were not swimming and sunbathing there as I imagined. Instead, people were driving on the beach with Jeeps that had a cart on the front full of fishing poles standing straight up. We saw them let air out of their tires to drive on the beach, then fill them up again once they left. No one was walking or frolicking in the water. It was way too cold for that. They were fishing. This plan of mine was an epic fail.

It was really windy and cool on the beach. People had little tents set up to block the wind. They were wearing pants, sweaters, and/or jackets. Meanwhile we were the crazy Midwesterners in swimming suits laying on beach towels getting pelted with sand. It was really quite miserable. We didn’t end up staying that long. It was a long walk back with no bathrooms in sight. It was not what I had in mind. I think we would have been fine if we stayed at the Delaware Bay beach, but we didn’t know. It was the middle of October and I guess I was expecting it not to be. I think we seriously need a beach vacation.

That evening when we got back we went out for seafood. If we couldn’t be in the ocean, we could at least enjoy eating things that did live in the ocean. We enjoyed our little weekend getaway in Delaware. Here are some of the photos I took at the beach.