Life

April begins…

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I am scheduled to start working in less than a week and I still haven’t gotten my schedule yet. As a planner, it’s been driving me crazy. My mom and Arabella have doctor appointments the next couple weeks and I don’t know if I can take them. Tomorrow my mom has her appointment with the psychiatric nurse and the following day she has her first appointment with the neurologist. Thankfully, I will be around to take her to those appointments. Unfortunately, my mom doesn’t live all that close so just the driving to appointments takes 2 1/2 hours of my time. Hopefully we will be closer to answers on the type of dementia my mom has and closer to options for treatment.

My follow up appointment with the doctor went well to check on my thumb where a chunk of nail down to the base was removed to get out a sliver. No signs of infection. However, it is going to take months to heal if it ever does heal properly. I will still need to wear a Bandaid as there is a thin portion that remains which tends to get snagged on clothing.

I got the sliver while vacuuming against a wood railing. Last week after cleaning the house the switch on our well pump went out. Mind you this happened at 5 PM on Friday while I was rinsing veggies to make supper. We ended up without water for the weekend. It would work briefly if someone tapped on the switch. So just enough to hand wash the dishes but not enough to run the dishwasher. Ironically, after the water turned off inside it started pouring outside. We had heavy rains, thunderstorms, sleet, some snow, and an ice storm before the system left late Sunday night. Monday morning service people came out to do their magic and we have water. Today I cleaned the house again. Hopefully nothing bad happens. I’m starting to doubt a little cleanliness never hurt anyone.

Despite the lack of running water, the weekend went well. I finished writing my memoir. I know I’ve said that several times and then a lot of things happened. But I think this time I am really done.

This week I am looking forward to doing stand up comedy again. Then Paul and I are going out of town for the night to see Alex perform with his band. It’s one little last hurrah before I start working next week…if I start working next week. Hopefully I’ll get my schedule soon!!

Hopefully the next time you hear from me I’ll be complaining about my new job. Just kidding. I used to really get into April Fool’s Day jokes. But it really doesn’t interest me too much anymore. Maybe that’s a part of being a ‘mature’ woman.

The unplanned

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I was intending to write sooner but life had other plans. I ended up in the ER after I got a rather large sliver under the nailbed of my thumb. It was incredibly painful. Thankfully they were able to numb me up enough to get it out. But they had to remove a chunk of my nail to get it all out. This happened on my dominant hand so it’s been a bit of a challenge to do things. I have to keep it wrapped up for a week and watch for signs of infection. I’m not sure how it is going to look when it heals. It was a horrible and disgusting experience. I am not in much pain now, but I just feel exhausted. It didn’t help that I had my new hire physical today with bloodwork and a flu shot.

Other than the trip to the ER, this past week went well with a lot of fun activities planned. Angel came home and a group of us went out to eat and watched the musical she directed the music for. She wasn’t home for long, but we enjoyed our time together. Unfortunately for Angel, she got stuck at the airport in Chicago because the weather out east was not good and her flight got cancelled. But she did make it home safely and that’s what counts even though she did have to spend the night in Chicago.

We also had a group of friends meet us out to watch Alex’s band perform at a local brewery for St. Patrick’s Day weekend. I volunteered at a local film festival event. We saw our son’s bandmate perform on St. Patrick’s Day, drank green beer, and played trivia with friends that evening. It was probably the busiest extended weekend of the month if not year so far and one of the most fun as well. This weekend is going to be a lot quieter, but that is okay.

Last week I met with Matt’s case manager and program coordinator. I was not surprised to find out that my mom had complete control of Matt’s finances and medical care. I don’t want to control anything. My mom wouldn’t allow the care team to attend appointments with Matt, which is what they typically do. My mom also had extreme and strict restrictions on what the staff could and could not do. (Why couldn’t my mom be a clean freak instead???) I basically told them that all restrictions would be removed. They were all overjoyed, except for my mom that is. I know she is angry with me for not doing things her way and for not being able to control me. The way my mom treats me is hurtful at times. But my expectations of my parents are so low that it doesn’t matter all that much.

Both Paul and I feel terribly alone with our lifelong lack of parental guidance. I honestly don’t know if I would miss my parents much when they pass away. We don’t have that kind of relationship. It seems like they have been gone for years. I feel sad and jealous of stories of warm and loving parents. Parents that don’t leave a legacy of messes for their children to clean up. There is never a dull moment. But in some ways I rejoice for not being controlled because in families there are rules. I can finally do things my own way and no one cares. I created the family I wanted and what more could I need? Maybe grandchildren…

My best friend is going to be a grandma again. Her 21 year old son and his girlfriend are going to have a baby. It was a bit of a surprise no one was expecting which created a lot of mixed feelings. They are young, immature, and not ready to be parents. But who is, really?

I’m not sure what this next week will bring. I guess I needed a reminder that things don’t always go according to plan. Planes are late and accidents happen that throw off the normal trajectory of life. Sometimes, though, it is easier to face disappointment and suffering when you plan on it being that way.

Birthdays galore

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I survived my 50th birthday weekend!!

And what a weekend it was too! I had a three day birthday party bash. It was more of an open house concept which worked really well. Friday night was the big night as I had my son’s band play. The weather was perfect. Saturday I hosted a 70’s costume party. Sunday I hosted a murder mystery party. In lieu of gifts, I asked for donations for two of my favorite charities. The last thing I wanted was a whole bunch of gag gifts like my husband got for his 50th.

Friends and family stopped in when they were available. By Sunday, on my actual birthday, everything was pretty low key. But it didn’t end there. The following day was Lexi’s (my son’s girlfriend) 25th birthday, so we celebrated that too. She wanted everyone to dress goth style which was a lot of fun. Although my son and husband did not want to wear manscara or guy liner. Party poopers! LOL.

But it didn’t end there.. Last weekend was Angel’s birthday. Next week is our wedding anniversary, then afterwards we will be celebrating my son and my mom’s birthday. There is a season for everything. I’ll take a time of celebration over sorrow any day.

Life around here lately

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It seems like forever since I wrote about life as it currently is. I don’t know where to start. And now we find ourselves at the end of May. The temperature is slowly starting to climb up and today we face the first risk of severe weather. The air feels charged and I hear the rumble of distant thunder. But for a time I’ve found myself in calm waters.

This past weekend Paul and I went to a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) training seminar to prepare to teach a class for families next winter. It was an excellent educational experience, albeit exhausting. Paul is gearing up for another busy summer running our seasonal business. He had his annual physical a couple weeks back and his numbers weren’t quite where they were supposed to be. Tomorrow he is going in for a CT scan. At this point, we haven’t talked much about it to others and are trying not to worry.

Angel already finished reading the memoir I wrote. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk to her much about it, but I think she loved it. She was happy I shared it with her and if nothing else she has a small piece of her family history. I’m not sure how she did it, but she was able to upload my book onto her Kindle to read it. It was a strange experience to see my book in that format, almost as if I was already a published author. Over the weekend, Angel finished her second half-marathon. She was going to run the full marathon but suffered from an injury earlier this year so is putting the full off until the fall. Dan was going to run the half with her but he also got injured right before the race and couldn’t run. I know she will finish her goal of running a marathon.

Alex just completed his certificates in audio recording and music production. He has been given the opportunity to play in a wildly popular local band. We’ll see where he goes with it.

Arabella has been doing well. She is on a medication regime that works for her. For the first time in her life she considers me a best friend. We have been getting along better than we have ever gotten along before. I’m trying to enjoy the good times with her while they last. It’s been a very long road to get to this point for all of us. Last week Arabella turned 21. Although the doctor said she could only have one drink, the family pulled together and made it a great day for her.

I can’t complain, things are going well and I’m enjoying having a close relationship with all of my kids. That doesn’t mean everything is perfect. I enjoyed Mother’s Day with all my kids and their significant others. It turned out to be a hot and humid day which rarely occurs so early in May. I didn’t have much of an agenda, just church in the morning, yard games in the afternoon, and going out to eat that evening at the restaurant Arabella works at. My brother Matt was sick so my mother came over without him which was nice. If Matt were there, my mom would cater to him and leave early. My mom stayed to go out to eat for supper.

I did find myself annoyed with my mom on Mother’s Day. When we asked if she would go out to eat for Arabella’s birthday, she said she wasn’t going to go because she didn’t like tomatoes. What did that have to do with anything? She ended up changing her mind later in the week and ended up going but I was irritated. We had a long wait to get a table at the restaurant and once again I found myself irritated because there wasn’t a lot of seating in the waiting area. I was annoyed that the young people weren’t offering up their seats for the elderly patrons. It’s a big pet peeve of mine.

All in all, it was a good day. Angel and Dan came to church with us. Angel made some lemon dessert bread which she has to save the recipe for. It was excellent! Paul made us a nice lunch of grilled cheese, tomato bisque soup, and salad. We played bocce ball and jenga (which I lost at twice). We enjoyed the sunny day. Angel and Dan left before supper to visit Dan’s mom. We had a great supper with Arabella as our server. Later in the evening, Paul, Alex, Lexi, Arabella, and I were going to watch a movie. Arabella said she wasn’t feeling the best and wanted to go to bed. Next thing I heard was several big splats from the other room and a call for mom. Arabella threw up all over her bed and the floor. Lexi offered to help me clean up the mess, but I refused.

That’s what being a mom (a parent) is all about, taking the good along with the bad. And hopefully when the storms come, being able to weather them.

The sun is shining now, but I know the storms are coming soon.

This winter

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This winter has been the warmest winter ever recorded in Wisconsin.

It feels like winter lasted all of two weeks in the month of January. We had a week of snowstorms followed by a week of bitterly cold temperatures. That’s been about it.

It feels like we are still waiting for it to arrive. But the summer birds are coming back and the trees have been prematurely budding for the last couple of weeks. I think I even heard someone start up a lawnmower.

A lot of tourism dollars were lost on the mild winter. I’ve seen more people on motorcycles this winter than I ever did before and no one on snowmobiles. I didn’t go cross-country skiing or snowshoeing. After the week of snowfall, it was too cold to enjoy it before it was gone.

However, the menfolk still made their annual ice fishing trek to the far north woods this past weekend. There wasn’t a lot of ice on the inland lakes, just enough to walk on. Lake Superior didn’t freeze over. No one was driving big trucks, snowmobiles, or even 4 wheelers on the ice. This year I didn’t even see one ice shack.

Some people like it, others don’t. Some feel trepidation about liking it and remind others who are too joyful of the blizzard we got in April a couple years back. Some worry about the economy, global warming, the environment, the farmers, the tulips, and drought.

One thing is for sure. No matter what we say or think, we don’t have control over the weather. We can knock on wood as much as we please, but that doesn’t change a thing either. Why do we think our words have the power to jinx things? Even the weather forecasters with expensive equipment can’t get things right.

We just need to move on with life and keep on living even when the patterns we live by are off. No one is certain what the future holds. That is true even about the weather.

It seems strange though. I wonder what the rest of the year will bring.

Life as I know it

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Whew, it’s been awhile which hasn’t been my intention. I was meaning on writing earlier this week, but the dogs jumped the fence and ran away. I had to focus on the problem at hand instead. Thankfully Paul got tags for the dogs with their name along with our address and phone number. We received a phone call several hours after the escape from a farmer who had one of our dogs. Paul went over to pick him up and figured the other dog was nearby. The farmer lived along 150 wooded acres and took Paul with him on his 4-wheeler to search for an hour with no results.

Paul and I both spent a good portion of the day each driving around aimlessly searching, asking people we saw on the road, and driving with our windows down and heat up listening for the stray bark. I was searching for a good picture of our last missing dog, joining groups for missing pets, and just made a post as darkness was quickly approaching when the doorbell rang. Someone found our second dog walking on the road toward home several houses down. It was strange because when our second dog came home, the dogs snarled and fought with each other. Another crisis was averted, but the day was pretty much shot. On a good note, we were grateful to see the kindness of strangers.

Last week I had my follow up endoscopy and my doctor appointment this week. The good news is that my ulcer is gone, but my colitis is still here. They gave me another medicine to try and if things don’t get better in the next two weeks, they are going to put me on a medication for ulcerative colitis. So far no improvement. I’ve been gaining weight like crazy and nothing fits which has not been pleasant.

Arabella also had her doctor appointment and will need to get her tonsils out. The recovery period for her will be two weeks. A lot of people have been telling me it’s a hard surgery for adults. It will be nice to be able to mom her again though.

Yesterday my mom came over for a visit. This week my dad fell and my mom called 911. It took three men to be able to lift him up. My mom showed me pictures of his bruises from falling. She also showed me pictures of his bedsores. I think he needs to go into nursing care, or at the very least they should have a health care worker come out to the house. I told my mom that and asked her what she was planning on doing. I asked my mom several times, but she didn’t even acknowledge that I was speaking to her. She kept saying how hard her week has been and how she is having a hard time. She said she wasn’t invited to visit her sister down in Florida, although her other sister was invited.

I think something needs to be done. But my parents are still ‘competent’. Thankfully my brother Mark and his wife Carla will be visiting my parents this weekend. I’m hoping I can talk to them about the situation and try to get the ball rolling to come up with a plan. Otherwise, Paul and I will be going out to talk with them soon. But even that is complicated with Arabella’s surgery coming up and Paul possibly being out of town for a business trip. Not to mention that my parent’s are the guardian of my disabled brother. It’s just one big mess.

But other than all that, things are going fairly good. I am almost finished with my memoir. I’m planning on getting a couple more tattoos. Next month Paul and I have a trip planned to Hawaii and I’m getting close to crossing off visiting all 50 states off my bucket list. I am happy where I am at in life. Things aren’t perfect, such as with my own health struggles, but I’m adjusting. For the time being, I am not in crisis mode and I’m going to enjoy it as long as it lasts.

The darkest day of the year

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It’s been unseasonably warm here in Wisconsin. It looks like we will set an all time high record on Christmas day. No white Christmas for us this year. We barely had any snow fall yet. It doesn’t feel like Christmas is just a few days away.

Today on the darkest day of the year, I always think of my great-uncle Harold. He would’ve been 98 years old today. Every year on his birthday we would go to his house and celebrate with him. There would be steaks and pineapple upside down cake. Aunt Grace would serve food on the multi-colored Fiesta plates, the only day of the year they would leave the pantry. It was one of the few days we saw Harold laugh and tell stories. Most of the time, he was next door working on cars at the family business.

Harold died unexpectedly the year Paul and I got married. I remember the last time I saw him. Paul and I were visiting my family to tell them the exciting news we were going to have our first child. We were able to tell everyone except Uncle Harold. He was outside working on a car while talking to clients. We didn’t want to interrupt him so we asked Aunt Grace if she could share the news. That was the last time I saw him alive.

We never really know how much time someone has left. If I knew, maybe I would’ve waited longer to talk to Harold. I think that is where a lot of my irrational guilt kicks in. If I’d only known, I could’ve done something different. I’m starting to let go of things, but it takes time to process. I couldn’t prevent the suffering of the people I care about and that hurts.

I tried reaching out to our previous employee today. But it was too little too late. I haven’t seen her for 5 years and I thought I could do something to prevent her from struggling with addiction, from committing a crime, and even from the attempt I think she tried to make on her own life? I want to help people. I want to fix them but I can’t. It’s as if I am wanting to play God and even He does not step in to keep people from physically dying and making their own choices.

I am feeling a lot better today. I wasn’t feeling the greatest yesterday, but I decided to volunteer yesterday and I’m glad I did. For awhile I forgot about my own pain. I spent a half an hour holding the baby of a homeless teen mom. He brought me joy as I held him and made him laugh. The mom needed clothes for her kids and was on her last diaper. She is a single mom living in her car with a two-year old and a baby. We had a record number of people who came in needing help yesterday.

Yesterday we had a new woman sign up for help from Africa. She is a single parent who recently came to America. She doesn’t speak any English and has zero education. She lives in a bad neighborhood. What really struck me was that there were several women from the same community that only speak Swahili. They are all parents between the ages of 20-25, the ages of my own children. I can’t even imagine what that must be like and to have absolutely no education. There is a language barrier with a lot of families that come in. It’s my goal this new year to become fluent in at least one other language starting with Spanish because I do know a little from high school, like way back from the last century.

There was a woman who came in that got arrested last week for child abuse. Ever since my own daughter was arrested, it’s really changed my view of criminals. Offering to help someone in need does not equate with me agreeing with the choices they make. They are people too. I am not afraid of them as much anymore. But that doesn’t mean I would walk down an alley by myself at night in a bad neighborhood.

Then there was the lady who stayed at the domestic abuse house. There was the lady that didn’t know she was pregnant with twins until two months before they were born. The people who reek of alcohol, cigarettes, and weed. The mentally ill. The intellectually challenged. Those who are going back to school to try to build a better life. The grandparents raising grandchildren.

I can’t go back and change anything in the past. But I can move forward and help people today.

The places I volunteer at are really hurting for volunteers over the holidays. So I decided to sign up at the places the next two days. Tomorrow helping families in need and Saturday at the cat sanctuary. I almost enjoy holding the cats as much as I enjoy holding babies. I especially love the feral cats or the cats that don’t warm up well to other people.

Maybe I can do some good to negate some of the bad in the world.

What’s happening – 11/15/23 (Legacy)

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Today we enjoyed an unseasonably warm fall day to take the puppies for a walk. This morning I had my lab appointment for a blood draw for my annual physical tomorrow. I’m not expecting any surprises. The pool guys also came out this morning to check out the problem with the hot tub. They couldn’t do diagnostics on the problem because our equipment is 30 years old. We will most likely have to update the control panel which now controls everything including the lights and audio system from a cell phone. Right now the sound system is ancient and works erratically. Half the lights are burnt out. We have some really nice outdated and expensive to update equipment. Yeah!

Several days ago, Arabella woke us up in the middle of the night knocking on our bedroom door. One of the switches broke in the bathroom she uses. When she flipped the switch, the bathroom fan did not go off, and smoke started coming out of the switch. We had another switch a couple years back that burned the plastic and a kitchen light that continuously flickers like a strobe light. I’m not sure about the wiring in this house. I really wish I would’ve seen our house in its youth.

Last week my therapist said I was starting my second half of life. Much like my house, I still wish I was in my glory days. I got old too fast. I never pictured myself being old. Why is it when you are going through something, you think it will always be that way? I always imagined myself remaining young and healthy. I never thought my vision and hearing would start to go.

I took good care of myself and never thought my health would decline as much as it did. I thought I would be running forever. I never thought my brawn would be gone. When things I used to do with ease now take so much energy I don’t seem to have.

Once voted by my senior class to most likely be a supermodel, I never thought my beauty would fade. I never thought my figure would slip. Yesterday I was talking to someone close to my age asking if I remembered when I was skinny but thought I was fat. Back when I was so self-conscious of my body not realizing I was going through the best looking years of my life.

Reminiscing about rotary phones because they worked so much better. Remembering the phone number of a relative that died 20 years ago but not knowing my kid’s cell numbers. Remembering trips to the library to glean every little bit of knowledge. Thinking useless thoughts like remembering when stores announced over the speakers that so and so with license plate number XXX-XXXX left their lights on. Complaining about how easy kids nowadays have it. Wanting to sit while the younger folks stand. Wishing I could just hold a baby in my arms again.

As I feel the end of autumn approaching, I know I’ve had my years in the sun. I was once young and beautiful. I went to college and had a career. I raised my children. I accomplished the goals I set out to do, such as run a marathon. A lot of things already happened in my life, some of my choosing and some just the twists and turns of life.

Now I have wisdom and experience. My therapist also said I have time and financial security, something I didn’t have a lot of before. Then I had responsibilities. Now I just have to worry about me. The second half of life doesn’t have to be the same as the first half of life to be fulfilling. Like my husband said, I don’t have to climb the mountain to see the mountain. Although there is sadness leaving behind the younger me, I can’t stay stuck in the past. Just my personality, I love thinking about the past and following traditions.

This past week my husband said not to focus too much on the past but now is the time to think of the legacy I want to leave. I think his words were very inspirational to me. What do I want to pass on to future generations?

This afternoon Angel and Dan returned home from their 1st anniversary trip to St. Lucia. I suggested the location and gave them advice on where to go and what to do. My husband and I visited the beautiful island 10 years ago. It was amazing to see their photos from some of the same locations we had photos taken. At age 25, they look so young, vibrant, and full of life. It felt good to help guide them using my experiences. Angel is also planning on running her first marathon next year. It feels wonderful that she is following in my foot steps.

This week I’m thinking how I can do my part to leave this world a better place by leaving a legacy worth passing down.

Solving communication issues

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Last week Paul and I had our couples therapy appointment. I think we had a breakthrough regarding some of the communication issues we have been having.

What I need from Paul is to be relational. I want to know he feels the same way or has some of the same worries so I don’t feel alone in my suffering. Paul wants me to give him hope by telling him everything is going to be okay and offer encouragement. For the longest time, we have been giving each other what we would want for ourselves. That has proved to be a frustrating experience all around.

The second time Arabella went to jail I felt very fearful for her future. There is a myriad of feelings involved when your child is incarcerated. I have been feeling despair, hopelessness, anger, guilt, anxiety, uncertainty, shame, and fear. Nothing really associated with ‘positive’ feelings about any of this. Now I usually keep these feelings to myself and go into a nice dark corner to lick my wounds. But my husband has been rather distraught by my isolation so through therapy I resolved to tell him how I feel instead. He found he didn’t really like what I was feeling.

When I am feeling despair, his response is to trust in God and everything will be okay which usually makes me quite angry. What is wrong with me? Why does he seem to have this faith that I don’t? How am I supposed to get out of survival mode if all I am doing is trying to survive? Who is the person I was supposed to be if I didn’t have childhood trauma? Trusting? Trusting in God? How do I have faith when I feel if God exists he doesn’t really care about me? Maybe he doesn’t exist at all. Why does he allow so much suffering? Why do my prayers go unanswered? If I have already given control over to God, why is he choosing this for my life?

In therapy, I told Paul I really wanted him to try to be relational, like talking to a best friend. I don’t want him to fix, solve, or tell me everything is going to be okay. I want him to commiserate with me that sometimes life really fucking sucks. He has been making the effort. He said he also has doubts about God, feels despair about our daughter’s future, and questions why there is so much unnecessary suffering in this world. It made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

Paul wants me to give him hope and tell him everything will be okay. This has been a struggle for me because it doesn’t feel authentic. I don’t know if everything is going to be okay. Arabella might end up killing herself, hurting someone else, and being in and out of jail or mental health treatment centers the rest of her life. It’s very likely the life she will end up living. I think I will outlive my daughter. Where is the hope in that? I have been trying to offer up hope and encouragement even if I don’t believe it because that is what my husband needs.

So I guess in some ways it has been beneficial to have our lives fall apart so we are able to rebuild it into something better. There really hasn’t been much Paul and I haven’t been through in life and if we survive it, maybe we can help others.

2022 recap

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It’s hard to believe in a couple days we will be kissing 2022 good-bye. It’s been an interesting year with a lot of changes. I’ll highlight the highs and lows of the year.

Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first. In January of this year, we had to put down our 14 year old Beagle. We had him since he was a puppy. It was hard to let him go, but I feel good we were able to provide him with a loving home the time he was with us.

This year I was diagnosed with arthritis. This was the first year in over a decade that I didn’t log any running miles or do any races. This has been a huge change for me and at times hard for me to accept.

This year I travelled within the United States. Here is the list of areas I visited:

  1. Nevada
  2. Michigan
  3. Illinois
  4. Idaho
  5. Montana
  6. Wyoming
  7. Washington D.C.
  8. Maryland
  9. Delaware

I crossed 4 out of 9 off my bucket list.

My husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in Yellowstone by Old Faithful. It’s hard to believe we have been married 25 years already and I’ve known my husband half of his life. It’s something worth celebrating.

Our daughter got married this year to a wonderful guy. They bought their first house, have great jobs, and are 100% independent. What a blessing they have been to each other and us.

We tackled some big remodeling projects.

We joined a new church.

This is the first full year ALL of our children are adults and are living their own lives which has many ups and downs. I’ve had to learn to let go of a lot of things and no one is ever totally ready for that.

That’s about all I can think of right now.

What are my plans for 2023? I don’t do resolutions. I want to think I try to be the best person I can be every day. I don’t have any big goals. I want to continue to help others. I want to continue to work on my issues for a stronger marriage and a healthier me. I want to continue travelling and plan on crossing South America off my bucket list in February. Other than that, the rest is just life which I will be writing about as it unfolds.

Happy New Year!!