writing

What to write

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

I haven’t been feeling very motivated to write since I finished my book. I say finished loosely because it is going to need more work. Nothing major though. I hope to have it ready to publish by early next year.

I think I need to revisit my goals. What do I want to do next? Try my hand at fiction? Or am I happy to keep writing on a personal blog although with my book it seems like I told everything I wanted to tell. I think I want to keep writing in some capacity, but what?

There are always things going on in my life to write about. I guess I wasn’t meant for a life of mediocrity. Sometimes I am jealous of people who live an ordinary average life who can join groups on Facebook called the dull women’s club. True story, I looked at some of their posts and some people just sit around watching their garden grow. I could only post about watching my plants slowly die.

I figured part of my problem is that I was never shown how to care for plants. My mom got rid of all our houseplants when she went on a kick that my brother Matt was allergic to them all. Last summer I bought a banana plant and the only way it lived over winter was because a friend showed me basic plant care 101.

My grandpa had a nursery when I was young. One day, he pulled out a dying shrub he was going to get rid of. I decided I was going to ‘rescue’ the shrub. So I planted it in my backyard and watered it everyday. One day I went out to water it, and it was no longer dying. It even looked twice its size, green and healthy. It was a miracle, I saved it. But now as I am older I realize my grandpa probably had something to do with my unrealistic expectations about plant rescue.

This is totally going in an unanticipated path. I do have a lot of stories to tell, but we’ll save them for another rainy day. There have been a lot of rainy days as of late. The arthritis in my knee has been acting up for the last week or so. I may soon be able to predict the weather like my relatives of old. My arthritis is acting up, it’s going to rain. How time changes things. Five years ago I would be trying to get in a run before the storm. Now I sit around and complain about how hard it is to walk because my joints can feel the rain coming. It’s hard to think I will never be able to do something again I used to enjoy so much.

Maybe I’m just having another mid-life crisis. I will be 50 in less than a month. It’s hard kissing my 40’s good-bye. Fifty is old. I’ve gained weight. I can’t see worth a crap. Some days I have a hard time getting around. Arthritis. Grey hair. I don’t look or feel young anymore. I’m at an all time low, but it’s not going to get any better. But I’m trying not to complain about it too much because those people are just a drag to be around.

Otherwise, things are going okay. Arabella is stable on her medicine. On Monday, she has a goal planning appointment with her new case manager to help her gain independence. She literally hasn’t visited with friends for weeks and spends her day following me around. I don’t mind all that much. I’m trying to enjoy what time I have with her. She never liked me before so in that way it is kind of nice. I know I’m cool and all, but I want much more for her than that.

My other two kids, Angel and Alex, are not getting along. That has been stressful because I hate feeling like I am in the middle especially with a holiday weekend coming up. Not to mention dealing with the extended family. Then having a party and turning 50 right after that.

I have been feeling pensive and melancholy lately. Maybe I just need a little sunshine.

Life, goals, and dead plants

/ Outrunning my demons / 3 Comments

I woke up this morning in a strange place, a different bed. I killed another house plant this week, my last living one. I justify that by saying that I spent one third of the month in hotel rooms like the one I am in now. Five different hotels, two states. Some for business, some for pleasure. My mind searches for the perfect excuse. I couldn’t provide proper care for the plant. Hey, at least I managed to feed my kids and pets. 

When my daughter gave me the plant for Mother’s Day, I inwardly cringed. I have to manage to keep this alive!  Once I got a chia pet for Christmas, I felt it was way too much pressure. So I took the plant to my office. I developed a watering routine. I watered it every Monday morning and every Friday afternoon. I put it in the sun like it said on the little tag it came with. It did thrive until the sunny days were gone. I didn’t achieve my seemingly easy goal. 

It made me think of other goals I have had. It seems like finishing a marathon is an easier goal than keeping plants alive for me. Crazy!?!  A few days ago, my husband asked me what my goal is for writing. That had me stumped. A goal? Was I supposed to have one? I started this blog right after I got my house plant. I am still going. It is still active and alive. But where is it going? 

I like to write for fun, to share unexpressed emotions, to help others. I want others to know what it was like growing up with an autistic brother back when no one had autism. I want to share my own struggles and joys of parenting teens. I want to share goals and experiences as a runner. I want to make people laugh. I want to share life and all of its woven intricacies. But where am I going?? As a goal oriented person, do I need goals to write?

My husband said that I am a gifted writer, but he is very biased. He said that maybe I should consider chasing my own dreams. He started his own successful business. We work together. He said that I was riding his dream. He said he would support me if I decided to start a career in writing. He suggested that since I have a love for photography and writing that I should think about writing marina reviews or write a book. His words overwhelmed me. What are my goals? I have no structure, I just write about what I want to write about. Where do I go from here? Is this just another time consuming hobby? All I can tell you for sure right now is that my future does not involve gardening or house plants.