Author: Outrunning my demons

Just a stranger on a plane

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Sometimes you meet someone for a brief moment in time that influences your life. Maybe just a small thought can lead to an almost immeasurable change in life’s course which over time can lead to measurable inspiration towards positive growth. Every day life is my classroom.  

I struck a conversation with the 60 year old man next to me, just a stranger on a plane.  

I tend to seek advice from older men. Maybe because in my life good advice is so lacking. This week my dad gave me a bit of advice. I was on the phone with my mom and he had to interrupt to tell me something important. I’ll try to make it as PG-13 as I can. He said something like try to have as much sex as you can. Wow, dad, thanks for the words of wisdom! As I mentioned previously, my husband Paul doesn’t have a dad. He has a step-dad Darryl. Darryl has two grown sons, both spent a great deal of their adult life in prison. So, I’ll pass on the parenting advice…thanks anyway, Darryl.

So I seek out any words of wisdom I can find from a knowledgeable older man. I seek the lifetime accumulation of nuggets of gold. I also find that older men tend to gravitate towards me. They talk to me candidly about things I could use some wise guidance on, like parenting. Things they did right and things they learned from being wrong. 

About parenting, he said that the first ten years of your child’s life are physically exhausting. From 10 to 20 years of age, parenting is emotionally exhausting. Then from 20 to 30, parenting is financially exhausting. I thought about how true his words were. He didn’t give me a clue about what things are like after 30 though. Probably because his oldest was turning 30. By the time my kids turn 30 I probably would have forgotten anyway.

I told him how much I worry about my kids. He told me that he was glad to hear that I knew what I needed to improve upon. Hmmm, what an interesting concept.

What does worry do for me anyway? 

It shows me how little control I have.

It takes away my joy.

How is anything going to change if I worry? Do I need the solution for everything that could go wrong? Do I need to have the answer for every ‘what if’ scenario that plays out in my mind? Will that somehow magically give me peace if the worst case scenario really happens? 

I am going to try to worry less. 

It has always been a struggle for me..

Just a few thoughts from a stranger on a plane. 

Rain in the desert

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The conference is almost over. 

Today it is raining in the desert. It has been raining all day. When we got here it was dry and over a hundred degrees. Today it is in the 70’s and humid. I heard someone say that the locals said it was a miracle. The one of five days a year that it rains around here. To me, it reminds me of home. 

It has taken awhile to get used to the time change. We have been staying up late and getting up early.

We have already had problems at home. Arabella got into an argument with grandma over chores…chores that I said needed to be done but didn’t say who needed to do them..chores that I usually do..chores that no one seems to want to do like cleaning the cat box and taking out the garbage. 

We have had problems at work too while we were gone. Our phone lines and Internet were down most of the morning. Customers were frustrated. 

I can’t wait for the day when getting away is worry free. Can’t anyone else handle these petty annoyances? Apparently not when it is your kids and your name is on the door of your business. 

I wish it was sunny and warm so I can enjoy the pool. But then I think of how dry the land is here. The mountains seem to consist of rock piles and dead trees. The grass is dust. The hotel must pay a steep price for the vegetation we take for granted at home. 

Maybe miracles don’t always come in the way that we expect. It is all about perspective. 

I can’t imagine the dry, dusty, desolate, desperate thirst for water….

All I can think about is that when I go to the desert it rains and when I sign up for a race it is always hot and humid… What can I say?? Sometimes life is strange..

Can’t anything in my life be normal? I suppose then I wouldn’t have anything to write about. 

But maybe I should’ve packed a pair of pants….hmmm. 

Pondering purpose and moving mountains

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Do you know what your purpose is in life? How hard would it be to move mountains?

These are my deep thoughts as I sit on the hotel balcony enjoying the lovely view in California.

I started pondering my purpose on the plane ride over. I am an anxious flyer, but I knew I was safe because I was with Paul. Not that he necessarily makes me feel safe, but because I know that God has a greater plan for his life.

But why don’t I feel like that about myself?? That there isn’t a great plan for me? 

What if the purpose of my life is to bear a child that would bear a child that would make a huge positive impact on the world? What if that is my sole purpose? Would I be okay with that? 

What if I was meant to support someone else that would make a difference in the world but never have a huge positive impact myself?

Do all lives have meaning?? What about the quadriplegic? Someone who is declining into dementia?? What about someone with autism? There are some who would say that they are not a valuable member of society if they are not a productive member of society.

But I don’t think that that is true. Carrying for a disabled family member, although burdensome at times, has positively impacted my life. Let me repeat that. Someone deemed by society as not having purpose has changed my life. 

While I sit at the conference, I listen to the keynote speaker talk about leadership and being a positive change in the world. There are a few people here that I think will do it. Then I walk down the hotel corridor and a cleaning lady smiles at me. Maybe changing the world doesn’t always mean moving mountains. Maybe it’s just a smile or kind word when someone needs it. Helping others..

Even though I am middle aged, sometimes I still ponder the purpose of my life. Am I doing what I am supposed to do? Am I on the right path? Does my life line follow the right projectory for positive growth?

There are a few people, like Paul, that are capable of moving mountains…that seem to have a special purpose. Then there are others, like me, still trying to figure things out.

Do you know your purpose in life? Does it change over time? Or are you still trying to figure things out?

Shopaholics amnotathis

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I have a confession to make…I hate shopping!

I can almost hear your collective gasp…

I don’t own a million pairs of shoes.

Maybe it’s the bright lights. I feel blinded when I walk into the store. Then the changing rooms! There is nothing like trying on clothing while in a bright spotlight that highlights your every blemish and flaw. Seriously, maybe stores would sell more clothes if the rooms were dimly lit. But that makes me think of a swanky run down lingerie store with one buzzing flickering light bulb. You just can’t seem to win that one!

Then there is always the mother with tons of crying kids…Do you need to get out that bad?..the elderly health nuts that use the mall as a track for fast walking…Can you not afford a gym membership??…The teens that are trying to look cool…Do I have time to do a survey??…Would I like a “free” sample??…Messy changing rooms…Long check out lines…Aarg..

Plus shopping is sooo boring. Rack after rack and row after row of boring drab garb that lacks inspiration.

Oh, and my ex-boyfriend Brad owns a sword kiosk at the mall. There’s that! I have seen him there before and quickly walked by looking in the other direction. Sometimes I imagine Paul and Brad swirling around the mall in a sword fight. Now that would be exciting.. I probably would need something new to wear for that.. Hmmm.. Yeah, no..

Maybe I don’t like shopping because my mom would take me clothes shopping for 12 hours straight when I was a kid. She always made me try on ugly clothes that she thought were sooo cute. Then if they fit, she would buy half of them. I would end up carrying heavy bags of clothes I didn’t even like around the mall for hours. I would go home sore and miserably exhausted.

I always felt guilty when my mom would buy things for me. I still feel guilty about buying things today regardless of whether I can afford it or not. Do I really need this?? I know the one I have is falling apart, but there is duct tape. Okay, maybe I am not that extreme..

Do I $80 like how this dress looks on me? Probably not.

I don’t like grocery shopping either…

Online shopping, barely tolerable.. I could sit and think about what color to choose for hours and by the time I decide, the item is gone..

But I had to break down this week and go shopping at the mall with Paul for dress clothes. He apparently does not know how to match clothing. Also, I’ve heard that athletic shorts and old race shirts don’t exactly make for proper business attire. Our sales guy said that he was sick of seeing Paul in the same old dress clothes that he has been wearing for years…

Paul will be traveling a lot this next month. It all starts this weekend with a conference on the west coast, then a few weeks after that he will be flying out for a meeting on the east coast. In between all of this there are trade show booths and public speaking.

I had to take one for the team. But I had a little help. I violated my general principle of no drinking during the week and went on a beer flight. Cindy said that having a few cocktails always helps her tolerate Christmas shopping. Not bad advice since I find shopping to be a mild form of torture.

I am happy to say that I made it through shopping with my husband (who hates shopping too)!

Then, after I got home, my son came up to me and said that we needed to go shopping for dress clothes for homecoming. Twice in one week!!

I hope I survive!

And so it begins…

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It happened this past weekend. I was hoping with my last child I would have just a little more time..

Angel has been dating her boyfriend for almost 3 years.. Alex has had a girlfriend for the last 4 months…Thankfully, I approve of their choices!

I imagined Arabella staying single and living at home forever….hmmm… Maybe this type of thinking is an irrational coping mechanism?? Why can’t time just stop for a little while??

My friend Cindy was over this past weekend. One of her son’s is two days younger than Arabella. A group of neighborhood kids decided to go for a bike ride. One of the boys admitted to Cindy’s son that he has a crush on Arabella. Or maybe it was more of a ‘stay away I like her’ kind of thing.

Cindy’s son told Arabella that this boy has a crush on her. Arabella confronted this boy about his feelings towards her. The poor guy got so flustered that he steered his bike right into the ditch. He was crashed, crushed, hurt, and full of dirt calling out for his mother.

Arabella only likes him as a friend.

And so it begins…

Carefree moments..

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Don’t I look like the cat that ate the canary??

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This past weekend we sailed somewhere new for our friend Ted’s birthday.

It was a warm and windy day. This time the winds were in our favor to get to the park and back quickly. The minute Ted, Cindy, and I stepped on the boat we all curled up and fell asleep. That just shows how much we trusted Paul to get us through the wind and waves.

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Sometimes I take for granted the beauty of my home state. I could’ve stayed in one spot and took pictures for hours.

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But my friends would’ve left without me!

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Paul keeps an eye on his sailboat from the scenic overlook above.

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Then I had a carefree moment on the ledge disregarding the large drop off behind me.

Reel to real

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I awoke Saturday morning to the steady beat of pounding rain. I wanted to go back to sleep but signed up to do a 20 mile bike ride as part of a fundraiser for our church. For a brief moment, I had an internal struggle while watching the rain fall from my window. There was a brisk north wind and the temperature plummeted overnight.

Then I thought of my friends that were doing the Iron Man this weekend and my cousin that was running a 100k overnight while I spent the night sleeping. Reluctantly, I rubbed my bleary eyes and got up.

It was the least I could do for my church, right??

Once I got to the church, I paired up with another parishioner who decided to bike 20 miles. I eyed her skeptically to see if she would keep up with me since she was over ten years older than me. The funny thing is that she taught me a thing or two how to be a better bike rider while I struggled to keep up with her.

One big mistake that I made was deciding to wear a cheap plastic rain poncho to keep dry. The poncho flapped in the wind like a loose sail. It made a lot of noise and slowed me down. I ended up borrowing the other woman’s jacket at her insistence which I was rather embarrassed about. The ride went well despite the off and on rain. I checked 20 miles off my bucket list.

After the morning festivities, Paul and I spontaneously invited Ted and Cindy over for the rest of the day. It was Ted’s birthday, we had them over to grill out and have a fire even though we had plans to sail with them the following day.

Now, about the fire… A few weeks ago my mom gave me a box filled with my birth announcement, letters, birthday cards from the first two years of life, pictures, and a reel to reel of my first birthday that I need to check out. She gave this box to me right before my daughter left home. It seemed like a very hard time to go through this box.

After Angel left I did open the box. It was filled with cards from people that were long deceased, divorced, or people that I didn’t even know. I read a few letters, some mentioned the struggle between going back to work and staying home. Others talked of new recipes.

Letters seem so strange to me now. They seem so simple with talk of everyday life…baptisms…a new pair of shoes…food.. Maybe it is really not all that different if I printed off old emails or looked at everyone’s posts for the month on Facebook.

We are flooded with so much information day to day in our modern world, that maybe I just tune out things I deem as unimportant without realizing it.

A few things struck me from this box. One letter to my mother said that her life would never be the same again. That much was true, very true.

I also found some pictures of my mom right before she delivered me. My mother being as modest as she is was completely mortified. I called her and asked her if she actually looked through everything in the box before she gave it to me. She asked me to burn the pictures. There is a part of me that wishes that I never said anything because she was so young, beautiful, and full of life… Really it was nothing inappropriate or to be ashamed of…but to her it was an embarrassing reminder of younger days..

Saturday night I had a fire at my house. I burned away every trace of my mother’s life right before it changed forever..

Still laboring

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On Labor Day we had our summer staff party. We didn’t have ideal sailing weather heading towards our destination. We had to motor against the wind into the waves. I forgot to tell everyone to bring a rain jacket, not because of rain but from the waves splashing against the boat. We did get a little wet. But it was a warm day, so all was forgiven.

Thankfully everyone felt comfortable sailing on rough waters. We did think about rescheduling but there was a schedule conflict on the rain date. We had a nice lunch and wandered around town. Quite a few places were closed on Monday, not just because it was a Monday but because it was a holiday Monday. There was a tattoo parlor open. Anybody up for tattooing themselves with the company logo?? I guess not.

 

Sometimes in the sailboat, I feel like a big fish when I look at all the other little fishing boats in the water. Then a big cargo ship drifts into town which makes me feel like a minnow in deep water. It’s all about perspective sometime. This is our sailboat with half of the cargo ship. Wow, now that is big time!

The sail back was nice. The wind pushed us back home. One of our employees got to experience her first sunset on a boat. 

We laughed and didn’t talk too much about work. Paul prompted me to tell everyone the sailboat name I came up with a couple of weeks ago. Here goes….. BOW MOVEMENTS… Terrible name, I know, but it always cracks a few laughs.

Our sales guy said that since I am so creative maybe I should do all of the writing for our website updates…

Wait….What??

Still laboring…

Up north photography

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Here are a few of my favorite up north photos of the season. Although it looks rather remote, it really isn’t. Just a few spots that I like to take pictures of.

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The lake is the habitat of a lot of wildlife. This eagle has a nest nearby our cabin. It likes to eat the northern, bass, bluegills, and crappies that live in the lake. We also see cranes, geese, loons, and lot of other birds. The most plentiful wild life are the people that make the lake their home on warm summer weekends.

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Early mornings on the lake are very quiet. The evenings, not so much…

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This past weekend we took out the dock. It was a sad day. We won’t be back until May.

Enjoying the present

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I decided to not audition for the next community theater musical. 

Oh, I am not afraid of being on stage. I have many fears, but that is not one of them. I find public speaking and performing fascinating. 

I decided to give it up to watch Angel perform in her first college concert. She told me that she was going to be given solos that are only typically given to seniors. Watching your child perform is as exciting as performing yourself with a lot less work. 

I wish my grandma was alive to see her perform. Angel and I got my grandma’s voice. I feel very sad that I don’t have a recording of my grandma singing. With an 8th grade education, my grandma never had the opportunity to use her gift. She never sang in a choir or sang a solo in public, but she could’ve been an opera singer. She just sang to soothe her tired or crying grandchildren or in church with everyone else. The only thing she was able to do was to pass it on to future generations.

This past weekend, I was looking through old pictures with Arabella. She wanted to know who was holding her in a photo. She didn’t recognize my grandma. My children don’t know much about some of the most influential people in my life. My grandparents, Uncle Harold, and Aunt Grace shaped me into the person that I am today. 

This weekend we took the dock out of water up north. It is sad to say good-bye to the cabin until next May. My great-grandparents built the cabin in the 1950’s. What a gift! But after reflection I found that I didn’t know a lot about the giver.

I know small tidbits about my great-grandparents. Little facts, but nothing about who they really were. I know for a fact that I couldn’t pick out the pictures of all of my greats if they were in a lineup with other photos. I might have their nose, but not know them..

How soon we are forgotten. Time moves so fast. When I was a child, a day seemed long. Now a day is nothing. 

These have been my thoughts lately. 

I am so thankful for the gifts passed on to me, but so sad that I know nothing of the gift giver. It is a strange type of nostalgia. I don’t want their memory to fade like an old picture in an album. But I can’t seem to grasp onto them anymore.

Instead, I will enjoy the present…the gifts we have been given. 

There will always be another play.