Author: Outrunning my demons

The Perfect Family

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it was all I ever wanted and prayed for my whole life. My parents had four children in less than five years. I am the oldest with three younger brothers. The brother born after me is autistic. We were all 70’s babies, back in the days when autism was still rare. My parents are polar opposites and not in the magnetic attraction way. My dad was a cruel man when he took any interest in us at all. My mom was strong. Not at all the refrigerator mom she was accused of being. Sometimes I think she blamed herself too. 

My autistic brother, Matt, was nonverbal for a long time and very violent. Some of his daily activities at his worst included repeatedly banging his head against the wall (mom put a helmet on him), punching, kicking, biting, scratching, and pulling my hair, throwing things, running away from home, and breaking my things. He gave my mom a black eye and bloody lip. She cried a lot on that day.   A majority of my childhood consisted of being physically abused by my brother  and verbally abused by my father. I took on the role of parent to my brothers before I was a teen because I was the responsible first born and my mom needed help, a fixer. 

By the time I was in my late teens, I was on the highest possible doses of antidepressants with no relief. Prozac, anafranil, buspar, zoloft, Paxil, and lithium To name a few. I was never allowed to fight back when my brother hurt me because I knew better and he didn’t. I stopped feeling everything. Gradually the feelings came back, feelings of rage, depression, and anxiety. Please, please parents of the disabled I beg you not to use your firstborn as a crutch. I lost my childhood and I can’t get that back. Some days the anxiety was so bad, that I would pray for the relief of depression. Exercise has helped me exorcise my demons. I am not talking about yoga people, I mean hard core marathon training hours of exercise. 

I spent my childhood praying for the perfect family, now I have it. A wonderful husband that is nothing like my dad.  And in less than five years, I had three children none with autism. 

Birds

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I had a pet robin when I was a kid. 

I awoke early this morning, the day after my first 18 mile run. My husband kicked my foot this morning at 4:13 AM. Kind of like after you have a c section and you get a bear hug or have your in grown toenail removed and stub your toe. Ok, it wasn’t that bad and I wasn’t sore at all. But I couldn’t go back to sleep. I started thinking about the birds…

I have a love hate relationship with birds. When I was young, we had a band of wild, swooping swallows by our house. They always build nests over the lights on the front door that we never used. The newspaper my dad wadded up over those lights never kept them away. One day they were particularly wild after my dad knocked down a nest and a bird flew straight into my stomach. They dive bombed my cats too, although that was funny. 

As a runner, birds freak me out. They fly next to my head and I can hear their little wings flapping. Now I run by the birds with my hands in the air like I won the Olympics. Waving my arms in the air so I don’t hear their whisperings. At least my head is safe. 

Last summer I had a bird that would fly with me for a mile every run. I could see its shadow next to me on the pavement. It reminded me of my bird long ago. One summer when I was around ten, I had a pet robin. We had 2 cherry trees in the backyard. They produced tart cherries that no one ever ate or made into a pie. My dad had a habit of shooting birds that would go in those trees and eat the cherries. (In the future they put up nets to protect the uneaten cherries and later gave up altogether). One day my dad shot a robin. She had a nest with 3 baby birds in it. We rescued the  birds, but 2 were too little to survive. The strongest survived and became my constant companion. I fed him worms every day, but he never learned to fly. He would sit with me by the lake up north. Just a girl and her pet robin. Then fall came, school was starting and the worms would be scarce. My little brother decided to make a home for the bird to protect it and accidentally dropped one of the boards on him during construction. Years later I got a f(l)inch. He was always afraid of me and it wasn’t the same. 

I decided to run yesterday and not today because of torrential downpours and flash flooding that amounted to a few sprinkles. Now that is for the birds all right!

First blog ever

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Well I guess I can check publish a writing off my bucket list since there is a little button in the corner that says publish. Yes!

My bucket list:
1. Write something that gets published. Check.
2. Run a marathon (already signed up and bought the sticker).
3. Travel to all the continents except Antarctica (I live in Wisconsin people, we have seen enough cold weather to last a lifetime).
4. Read the bible in a year (half way there).
5. Be a lead singer in a band.
6. Drink green beer all day on St. Patrick’s day (we covered the living in WI part already).
7. Get a tattoo.

Last year I turned the big 40, thought I better get my bucket list together. This week I started working on training for a marathon. Today I ran 18 miles for the first time. Just happened to be the hottest day of the year so far. My goal was to run it without stopping (success). My next goal will be to run it without swearing! 😄

My basic theory about running is that runners are masochists. I mean really, every part of your body hurts sometimes for days. You could loose toenails. People think you are crazy, I am. Young people that are into cutting, think about running instead. Really, I’m serious. And the runner’s high, well that is nice but short lived. Always happens around mile 8, that point when you feel like your going to pass out. You know I have the runner’s high if you see me run a little crooked.

Last week I ran my first half marathon. I did it in 2 hours and 5 minutes. Didn’t meet my goal of under 2 hours. In my defense it was really humid. I told my brain to start sprinting at mile 10. I did, up a damn hill. Note to self, check elevation map. Passed all the walkers though, running up that damn hill. Even missed people handing out the beer, damn damn hill. So much for sprinting the last 3 miles. Oh well. I did see my uncle though standing alone in a grassy area in a full suit. Runner’s high? He wasn’t there.

Half my family congratulated me on the big run. My brother said he could outrun me (good luck) and my dad said that my legs may be strong but my arms are weak. I say thanks for the motivation (well that’s not what I really thought).

I’ll let you know if I can walk tomorrow.