- Having a mild case of COVID.
- My husband’s homemade soup.
- Having an electric blanket when I was feeling sick and during a wind chill advisory.
- Having a girl’s night with Angel and Alex’s girlfriend Lexi. We went thrifting and out to eat for Indian food. This is the first time we hung out with Alex’s girlfriend without him. (I also named her on this blog). I try to treat all of my kid’s significant others as if they might be a part of the family some day.
- I found a pretty light blue sweater at the thrift store that had the original price tag of $89 on it. I also found an album for my record player by Anne Murray.
- My brother Matt had a scan done on his liver and everything is stable. (Several years ago his liver numbers were not good and he was taken off his anti-psychotic med because it is hard on his liver. He started hearing voices again to kill my niece Eva. He was put back on his medication and will need to be on it for the rest of his life at the price of his liver. So we are grateful that as of right now his liver is good).
- I had a good appointment with my doctor yesterday. I told her again how much my joints were bothering me and she gave me a referral to see a rheumatoid doctor. Unfortunately, they are booked up until the middle of May. But I am hoping they can give me some answers about the joint pain I have been having.
- I don’t know how it happened, but I lost 12 lbs. being sick. Maybe I will be able to fit into some of my old clothes?
- We decided not to scrap our whole vacation altogether when we decided to cancel our trip to Puerto Rico.
- We got a great deal to go to Las Vegas and will be staying at the Venetian. Our friends and I have already checked Nevada off our bucket lists, but my husband has never been there.
doctor
And so it begins
And so it begins…my daughter stopped taking her meds. My mom told me this as we were on the way to get a massage Tuesday morning. Arabella told my mom she doesn’t have a doctor or dentist anymore which isn’t true. It all started when Arabella blamed me for the insurance not covering the next part of her psych eval. Oh if only I was powerful enough to control the decisions of insurance company coverage.
As we were talking about this my Aunt Jan called my mom. My mom put the call on speaker phone. I hate when she does that as my relationship with my aunt is not on the best terms right now. I was stressed out and really didn’t want to talk. My aunt asked how I was doing and I responded okay. I can muster up an okay I guess. My aunt went on and on about a girl from her church I was briefly friends with before she moved out of the area in grade school. She’s a dog groomer now, isn’t that amazing? She lives in a really big house, isn’t that exciting? The other day she spent the day with her father-in-law, isn’t that wonderful? Like who frickin cares??
We got to the spa and my mom got locker number 13. We laugh because bad luck can be funny. I felt like crying during my massage. My daughter quit taking her meds. How long will it be before we get a call? Don’t think about it. I’m sure things will get better. How could it be worse?
I’m glad you asked. Now rewind back one day to Monday.. I had my physical Monday morning. They did a pap smear and took my blood. I didn’t lie on the depression and anxiety forms which of course was concerning to my doctor. I told her of the insomnia and nightmares when asked. I only have nightmares now when I do dream. I’ve had periods of insomnia and nightmares since grade school.
My doctor asked if I had been drinking to cope with my problems. I told her I would if she thought that would help. Instead she offered me some pills to help me sleep at night and feel less depressed. How ironic. Drugs are not the answer, but they can be. So I said yes I will try them.
Then in the afternoon I went to the dentist because why not torture myself by seeing both the doctor and the dentist on a Monday.
Angel told me Arabella dropped off her (my) car at my mom’s house for her to take in to fix. Apparently it is not her responsibility to take care of it because it is not her car. She told my mom she has enough money to buy her own car. But she doesn’t have a job or any money. Right? Arabella told my mom and Angel that she has thousands of dollars. Maybe it’s not true. Angel said it is true because she saw the money in her account. How can this be?
Angel said she told her sister she wouldn’t tell anyone but I guessed correctly. Lucky me! Arabella decided not to get reduction surgery. Her cup size is at the back end of the alphabet in a hard to find size even online. She is 18 with a baby face. How hard is it to guess how she is making money online? Maybe I should turn off her phone but that is her only form of communication with the few people she still talks to.
Thankfully I didn’t know about this when I met with our florist friend for wedding planning. He asked how my other kids were doing. It somehow seems I am never prepared for that question. When asked I told him Arabella was between jobs at the moment.
I really haven’t told anyone this but I’ve also been having heart palpitations. The doctor thinks it’s anxiety based and I agree. Sometimes I think I am going to have a heart attack. I don’t feel like I’m having a panic attack, it just comes on quickly out of nowhere and goes away after 20 seconds a couple times a month.
I’ve also had joint pain. I’m not sure why. Maybe all the stress and long distance running finally caught up to me. The last several days I’ve had intermittent pain in my ankle. At times it is too painful to walk on, then a couple hours later it is totally fine. I couldn’t figure it out because I didn’t hurt myself in any way. This happened to me over a period of 4 days. This has happened to me before for no reason. I have joint pain in other areas as well. Maybe I’m getting arthritis? I’m awfully stiff when I wake up in the morning too.
Yesterday I got my blood work back from my physical. It showed several serious problem areas. They wanted me to come in for another blood draw. Until my lab appointment I googled the crap out of it convinced I was going to die. I hate to admit but there was a little part of me that didn’t feel disappointed. My mom came over and I talked to her of my impending doom. But then the second lab results came back fine. Lab error. Way to freak an anxious person out! After that my mom received a call saying my brother Matt was having an allergic reaction and had a rash all over his body. But for a moment I was the sick and dying one.
Maybe I should start an anti-gratitude list. There is so much crap I didn’t even tell you about like my dog falling down the stairs. I am so glad this week is almost over because I am so done with it already!
Gratitude week 97
- Woohoo! It’s no shave November. LOL
- My husband is on week 2 of the detox diet and doing good.
- I’m grateful that Angel and Alex got gym memberships and work out several times a week. I’m happy that two of our kids have picked up on some of the healthy habits my husband and I have.
- The last couple of days the weather has been seasonally warm and sunny.
- I have appointments tomorrow with both the dentist and the doctor for a physical. YUCK! So the following day I made an appointment to get a massage. Yippee! It’s been ages.
- I started rereading the first edition of my book. It’s been almost two years since I wrote it and this will be my first read through since then. I’m grateful to have started the process again.
- I got a major project crossed off the list in the garage apartment. We finally got an oven hooked up after 6 months. My mom donated her oven which was great except that it was hooked up specially for propane and not natural gas. We needed someone to hook up the oven to the gas line. But the hard part was finding someone that could convert the oven back from propane to natural gas. I had 3 service guys out that couldn’t do it. We had to wait for parts. Some of the parts were incorrect. The guy from the appliance store that finally was able to fix it was out for the summer due to open heart surgery. He even had to come out a couple of times but he was finally able to get the oven converted this week.
- Angel and I met with the florist this past week for wedding planning. He was an old friend of ours from the community theater and gave us a discount. It was great to visit again. Crossed that off the list.
- I was able to cross off DJ from the list as well. Believe it or not but back in the day I used to drive my minivan out to the school once a month for the PTO meetings. I helped plan the school family dance and went through this DJ. We also used him when we planned my husband’s and friend Jen’s 40th birthday party. He said he would give us the same rate that he gave us over 10 years ago which is way under market price. Win, win, win.
- We have all the major stuff planned now for the wedding. They have the wedding chapel, the reception hall, cake, DJ, flowers, my daughter’s wedding dress, and photographer. My daughter asked me to be their wedding planner because I am a super anal organized detailed person. Since Angel lives at home we are able to talk about it and bounce ideas off of each other. Unfortunately this may have caused her future MIL to feel left out who is more of a fly by the seat of her pants kind of person. Thankfully we are all aware of the situation and maybe it can be fixed now before it is a problem.
- Yesterday Angel and Dan had their engagement pictures done. It was a horrible day for Angel however. Once in a while she provides care for an elderly lady with dementia. Angel was out walking with this woman yesterday when the woman fell and broke her leg. It was a very traumatic experience for them both. Thankfully since it was a beautiful day outside, there were several people nearby who offered help instead of walking away or recording the event. The whole experience was very upsetting for my daughter who was crying the morning of the day she had her engagement pictures done. The family of the elderly lady was very kind as well. I can’t imagine how horrible she must feel. I felt a little of that guilt when I tripped over my dog and thought we might have to put him down. It’s an awful feeling. Thankfully everyone was supportive.
- While I have enjoyed the time this week by doing some creative writing, I haven’t been really talking much about what is going on. This week was a lot more chill than the last couple of weeks. However I did find out that Arabella did not get the job she interviewed for earlier in the week. She also reached out to me today for the first time since I last did the gratitude list. Unfortunately it did not go well and I got another fuck you from her. Her insurance is not going to cover the cost of psychological testing and she blames me for it. She said she took me off of her HIPA form so I can’t talk to her doctors anymore. A couple of days ago I called the county to ask what kind of mental health programs they offer, but since I am not her guardian and she is over 18 there is nothing I can do. At this point I feel like I’ve done everything I could possibly think of doing for her. I do feel a sense of peace and gratitude that I’ve done everything I could humanly do for her. She may need a guardian some day but I don’t think she will ever let that person be me. I feel very conflicted with the holidays approaching. I’m not sure what is going to happen, but I feel like I am able to handle things better.
- I’m grateful my mom is going to spend a couple of days with her sisters next week. My mom hasn’t been doing too well lately. She has been having insomnia again and is very anxious she is going to have a nervous breakdown. I just can’t handle this right now.
- I’m grateful for everyone who has been supportive during this difficult time. Thank you to my followers for the prayers, well wishes, kind comments, and offers of support and hugs. I really wish I could thank you in person but that would blow the whole anonymous thing. I want to especially thank my husband who has been a rock for me even though he is going through his own hell with this. I know he reads my posts and is even okay when I vent about him. Thanks! Thanks to my daughter Angel who has been more like a best friend since we are so much alike. Thanks to my best friend Cindy who is always texting and calling to make sure I’m okay. She won’t let me slip away. Thanks to my son Alex who doesn’t fully know everything I’m going through but cares anyway. Thanks to my dog and my cat who still cuddle up to me when I manage to push everyone else away. Thanks for the good people out there who don’t get recognized but step up to help someone in need. You are the people that keep this world going and make it beautiful place to live in.
- I finished the What’s Normal book. Yeah, I’m pretty much screwed.
- Angel and I have been reading books together. We just finished One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and watched the movie. Seems like I could relate to that book better than the what’s normal book. LOL.
- Although I didn’t look at the stats, this must be my longest gratitude list yet. Wow, I must be a super positive person after all. I am making good on yesterday’s fortune of pushing away the negative today.
Fortune cookie wisdom #25
“You should let go of negative things today.”
Whoops! Too late! Maybe tomorrow.
This morning started with my husband and I having a ‘friendly’ debate. I wish it ended that way. It wasn’t anything horrible but in my mind it boiled down to one thing, trust. I told my husband that in life there is only one person I can trust and that one person is me. I suppose you could say it’s a trauma response and it probably is.
Then he asked me an important question. So you trust yourself over the experts? Great thought provoking question. Husband scores the first points. He said, “I missed the day you received your medical degree.” It’s true, I didn’t. But I don’t trust doctors because….a million reasons….I don’t trust easily.
Who can you trust in a world where you can’t trust anyone, could never trust anyone even the people who were supposed to look out for you??
We started talking about where we get our news stories, how everything is so biased it’s hard to know if something is real or trustworthy. I get ads on social media for things that support my views already not things to challenge me to think differently. I am more likely to open my pocketbook to causes near and dear to me.
Let’s talk about the vaccine. Yup, I just went there…We both wish there was reliable and accurate data out there. Back in the day we could go to the library and find a journal article backed up by reliable sources. We could do our own research. Now we can just go online and read something by someone like me who doesn’t really know a damn thing about anything and call it research. Or maybe we could watch a video on Tik Tok. That’s accurate, right?
And who are the fact checkers anyway? Why do people get banned for expressing their viewpoints that don’t conform to popular opinion? I don’t know about you, but it sure makes me more interested in hearing what they have to say.
I’m sick of people taking sides and blaming each other. What good does that do? For months and months I heard about nothing but the Delta variant and how unvaccinated people were to blame for its spread. Family and friends were turning on family and friends. Now I don’t hear anything about Delta unless it has an 8 or 9 after it.
Does the vaccine work or not? I really want to know. I don’t want to hear research brought to us by the big drug companies. I don’t want to hear conspiracy theories. I’m sick about hearing stories of the Polio shot success. I don’t give a crap about a girl who flipped off anti-maskers. I wish the only thing I ever heard about a mandate was about a group of guys that go out for beers on a Saturday night.
All I care about right now is how effective is the vaccine. All I hear when I turn on the TV is how COVID cases and deaths are still on the rise and how safe the vaccine is. Booster shots and masks. Is it just me or is almost everyone still living in fear? Not travelling. Not seeing certain relatives. Still fighting with the opposing view. Vaccine safety is very important, but to me the most important question is how effective is the shot. What’s the next step?
Where can I get some real unbiased news?? We are supposed to make life changing decisions based on trust in politicians, drug companies, and crazy cousin Bob’s conspiracy theories on Facebook?? Is this all there is? There should be some accurate unbiased data by now. Where is it and how can we find it? I really hope someone erases this from our history books someday. I can’t imagine what future generations will think of us.
So much for letting go of negative things…maybe tomorrow.
Still waiting for answers
I turned 45 this past weekend. Apparently I am now at the age where I can start to have long conversations with people about my declining health.
I had big plans for my birthday. I mean you only turn 45 once, as if I didn’t turn 29 or 44 once. Okay, I guess I did turn 29 a couple times.
Anyway, on Saturday the sailing club was having a pub crawl cruise. What a perfect way to celebrate my birthday. After all, I love craft beer, sailing, music festivals, great weather, and fun people. We were going to sail into town, go to a few breweries, and listen to live music. Perfect for a birthday weekend. Right?
But there was one problem, my stomach. I had a huge late lunch at our first pub stop along with everyone else and ordered a beer flight. I have to follow a perfect algorithm if I don’t want to be in pain. My stomach can’t be totally empty, but I can’t eat too much either especially paired with drinking. I couldn’t take my time because everyone wanted to head off to the next spot. Taking Tums for me is like putting a tiny bandage on a gushing spurting head wound.
I ended up in a great deal of stomach pain again like I have been off and on since I stopped taking Prilosec. I ordered nothing at the next pub and kept quietly to myself since I was in a lot of pain. Everyone asked me if I was feeling okay. I had to go through the whole health explanation that I went in to be scoped and was waiting for the results of my Celiac test. It was awful. I was hoping not to have to mention the health issues I was having and just have a fun time.
Then we walked a block to the music festival. I was asked if I would be able to walk the whole block to the festival. I am a marathon runner. I felt very sick and thought if I couldn’t find a place to sit I would lie down on the ground. People kept asking me over and over if I was okay. It was humiliating, I just wanted to be left alone. There were people everywhere. I decided to go back to the boat and lie down.
At one point even a homeless man came up to me and asked if I was alright. I know people were genuinely concerned, but it was really wrecking my tough girl persona. I don’t know what hurt worse, my stomach or my pride.
So this is how it has been. I have not been feeling well and have been waiting for answers to figure out how I can feel better again.
I had friends over on Sunday. I felt a little better because I was at home and could eat and drink at my leisure. We went swimming but spent most of the day sitting around talking and laughing.
Paul tried really hard to make the weekend special for me. He cooked my favorite foods and entertained with his music. I realized that I don’t share my music with other people. A majority of the songs I like, although good, are incredibly depressing or angry. Kind of like me I guess.
I’m still waiting for answers. The doctor’s office said that I would most likely get a call on Friday, Monday at the latest. Here it is Tuesday evening. Don’t they understand how frustrating it can be for patients to tell them they would have answers sooner than provided especially if they are not feeling well?
Waiting…
Meet me in the middle
I cancelled my son’s appointment for his annual physical today. He said now that he is 18 he no longer wants to receive preventative care from the doctor or dentist. He only wants to go in if there is a problem. I hope that works out well for him. I can’t see how it would. Maybe someone else will have better luck changing his stubborn mind.
My daughter in college, on the other hand, went to the ER several times last year. She went to the ER the first week she was back in college this year. They did every single test imaginable and couldn’t find anything wrong. I’m thankful that she is okay, but I wasn’t too excited when a $2400 medical bill (after insurance) arrived in the mail. She is starting to make payments on the bill, but really can’t afford to.
Why do they have to go to extremes in the opposite direction?? It’s driving me crazy!
Sometimes you just can’t win.
And to think I thought I would be done parenting when my kids became adults!
Outrunning my demons 