Friendship

Why God? Why??

/ Outrunning my demons / 10 Comments

I didn’t recognize her at first. I think that was one of the hardest parts. I just saw her a couple of weeks ago.

She talked about how busy she was then…with a son graduating from college and moving back home. Her other son was finishing his first year of college and moving back home. She needed to get a storage shed. But we should really get together for lunch sometime.

She left a message asking for a call back.

I forgot my phone at home that day, which never happens. I got home with enough time to grab my phone and leave for the band concert. My car was left running in the driveway when I got her message. Never mind calling her back, she was probably on her way to the concert as well.

Her voice sounded strange. I asked my daughter if something was wrong. Jen’s daughter and mine have been good friends since they were babies. Is there something you aren’t telling me? Is there something I should know? 

Jen has been my daughter’s coach for the last 5 years. It was hardest for me to tell her that I was moving, leaving. I was sad that my daughter wouldn’t be on her team next year. But I didn’t know then that things would never be the same for other reasons…

After the concert, an elderly woman approached me. Perhaps she was confused. She acted like she knew me. I didn’t know her. When she opened her mouth, she whispered…I’ve been sick.. I recognized that voice. Jen? I have cancer…incurable…inoperable.. What??

At one time, I considered Jen to be my best friend. Our daughters were best friends. Jen is truly a good person. She is a better person than me. She is a good wife and mother. She would give you the shirt off her back if she needed it herself.

When the kids were little, she volunteered a lot at the school. She was a board member for the parent teacher association. She chaired several book fairs, I co-chaired. She helped me start a babysitting co-op. She was always an active church member. She did more than her part to try to make this world a better place.

We didn’t see each other as much once the children got older. We weren’t needed as much anymore at school. She got a job. I also worked. Her mother got cancer and she was needed there. It seemed like we saw each other less and less with each passing year. But every once in awhile we met up for lunch or went out.

It took everything I had to not break down in front of all of those people. I cried all the way home. I didn’t sleep well last night.

It hurt to see her husband have to help her out of her chair. She seemed so feeble and weak. I don’t understand. She didn’t smoke. She rarely drank. She exercised, made a point to make her family healthy meals, wasn’t overweight, and in general lived a healthy lifestyle. How could this happen?? It’s not fair!

She quit her job. She was too sick to go to her son’s college graduation. Nothing would’ve stopped her from going to that.

Why God?? Why? She is in her 40’s. She still has a child at home. She was fine a couple weeks ago. Now she looks like she is in her 80’s. The color in her face is wrong. I’ve seen this before. She looks like my mother-in-law did right at the end of her struggle with cancer. Skeletal, feeble, and old. I didn’t even recognize her! The last time I saw her a couple weeks back she was vibrant and full of life! How could this happen in such a short period of time?? How could God let this happen??

I remembered all of the good times together…the play dates with the kids, trips to the zoo, camp fires, days spent at the beach, boating, visiting their cabin, winter days spent searching records together for our genealogy hobby…Now all of this is gone. Her future gone. The dreams she had for retirement gone. The rest of her life with the love of her life…gone! Being a grandma some day…gone. Poof, just like that. Healthy one day, dying the next.. I can’t believe it!

I don’t think she has much time left. I can’t believe this is happening. There is nothing I can do. I am in complete and total shock right now.

Last week I talked about feeling old…needing reading glasses, friends children graduating from college and getting married. But nothing prepared me for the reality of losing a close friend…Death.

 

 

The Sunshine Blogger Award

/ Outrunning my demons / 10 Comments

img_0521

Thank you Lana Cole for nominating me for the sunshine blogger award. Maybe you thought with all of the spring snow we have received lately that I might need a little sunshine in my life. Check out Lana’s blog at https://colecampfireblog.com. She has a warm and welcoming family blog, plus she is vegan. She is very adventurous, fun, and posts some awesome photos too.

Here are the rules for being nominated…

  • Thank the blogger that nominated you in the post and link back to their blog
  • Answer the 11 questions the blogger asked you
  • Nominate 8-11 new blogs to receive the award and write them 11 new questions
  • List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award Logo on your post and/or in your blog

Here are the answers to the questions I was asked:

1. Twizzlers or Red Vines?  I’m not sure if I ever had Red Vines before. I had to Google what it was…But as far as licorice goes, I like red licorice but am not a fan of black licorice.

2. Favorite super hero?  I had to ask my husband about this one. I like the whole super hero idea, but can’t say I have a favorite. My husband jokingly said that he is my super hero. Awww…sappy, I know. But I’m going to go with that.

3. If you could live inside a book or game which one would it be and why?
I would live inside of a book. It has to be a super good book, like a bestseller…but one that I don’t know the ending to so I don’t get bored. A psychological thriller would be fun. Maybe I could be a serial killer profiler. But I would not want to be killed or have anyone I know be a victim in this story.

4. If you could travel in time, would you go to the future or the past and why?
One thing I discovered about myself through blogging is that I really enjoy history, specifically family history. That being said, I would go back in time and get to know my ancestors. I’ve always longed for more than just names and dates.

5. Who is your favorite comedian?  This one was tough too. I recently found a comedian I like out of our state by the name of Charlie Berens. He takes our culture to the extreme so it is rather funny.

6. You are a huge success as a song writer… What type of music do you write songs for?  Unfortunately, I would probably be a song writer for country music.

7. If you were in the 2020 summer Olympics what event would you medal in?
Realistically, I probably wouldn’t medal in anything. It sure would be fun to be a really fast runner though.

8. If you could only drink one type of beverage for the rest of your life, what would it be? (NO Ryan, you can’t switch from a light beer in the morning to a full strength beer in the afternoon…)    It would probably be water. But if I didn’t need it to survive, I would probably pick beer.

9. What is your favorite board game?   Loaded Questions. In the game, you are asked questions similar to these and then you have to figure out who wrote down what response.

10. If you were going to stumble on to a wild animal, what animal would you be most afraid of encountering?   I would really be afraid to encounter a polar bear. First, those things are huge. Second, I would really be worried if arctic animals moved into Wisconsin with the weather we have been having recently.

11. What is your favorite blog post you have written and why?   I can’t choose a favorite post, it’s almost like picking a favorite child. I’ve been blogging for almost 3 years now…so this is really hard. Maybe you can help me out with this one by telling me your favorite topics that I write about…or subjects you want to hear more about..

Here are the blogs I nominate…

The Tempest and the Teapot
jeffrab.com

Here are my questions for you…

1. What is your favorite topic to blog about?

2. Do you prefer salty or sweet?

3. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

4. Where is your number one place you would like to visit?

5. Where is the most beautiful place you have ever traveled to?

6. If you were forced to pick one…Are you beauty, brawn, or brains?

7. What is your birth order?

8. What book/movie closely resembles the story of your life?

9. What is the temperature outside right now?

10. What is the last thing you ate?

11. What is your favorite hobby?

Thanks for participating. I look forward to hearing your answers.

Keep writing!

 

Old friends

/ Outrunning my demons / 4 Comments

Paul and I stayed out late last night.

This may sound weird, but Paul and I have several really good friends that are in their 80’s. It is scary, really, becoming close friends with people of that age. I wonder why they like us so?? Are we but little birds that they have taken under their wings?

Sometimes people just seem to come into your life for no reason.

We started becoming close friends with Vince a couple of months back. We jokingly called him the mafia guy. He has a lot of connections. He seems like a guy you wouldn’t want to mess with. He can be upfront and intimidating, but has earned a lot of respect. Mainly, though, he is entertaining and people like him. When his wife passed away last year, I’ve never seen more people attend a funeral.

Vince lovingly took care of his wife (who was wheelchair bound since we met them several years back) without complaint. After she passed away, I wrote a letter to Vince saying that they were the perfect role model of how a marriage should be. I didn’t really know much about his life at the time.

I think most old people have their life together, and most of them do at their age. But I have this stereotype that they have always had their lives together. After we started to get to know Vince, I realized that I didn’t want a marriage like his. It was awful.

Maybe everyone’s life is majorly messed up but they keep it hidden away. Everything looks perfect on the outside.

Am I the only one that struggles with my teenagers? Am I the only one that is depressed when I have so many things to be joyful about?

We can’t show the world that we are hurting. We also feel like we can’t share our joys because other people are without. So we hide behind this mask of normalcy.

I am okay. How are you?

I think the truth is that only a few people will open up that door for you to see what is really going on inside. Then you can really see all of the colors in bright hue.

I hate small talk, but hardly share with people the real me. (Except, apparently, with all of you)!! It seems easier somehow to write about it. I don’t know why. Maybe because I have control over what I tell you. I never shared my full story with anyone except my husband. But here I am. My life is an open book. But if you knew me in real life, no offense, I probably wouldn’t talk to you about any of this.

How are you? I’m fine. Not much is going on…nothing new. I wish I could tell you..

We also have plans later this month to get together with Harv and his wife. They, like Vince, are in their mid-80’s. Last year Harv was having some health problems and sold his sailboat. He ended up finding out that his health issues were related to a reaction from a medication he was taking. He is in good health now, but his boat is gone.

Perhaps it is strange that we have more plans this month with our elderly friends versus friends our own age. What is the attraction?? They are real people. They are ready to talk about their lives. There is so much knowledge to learn from them.

But why do they like us??

Why should age matter?

Does it matter in a friendship??

The hardest part for me is that it is going to hurt so much when we lose them.

Moving on, part 2

/ Outrunning my demons / 1 Comment

It started a few years ago…the unrest in my house. My daughters shared a bunk bed in a small bedroom.

It was funny, my daughter was the only one to tour the college dorm rooms on campus and think they were big. She got a lot of strange looks.

After her first year of college and living with us over the summer, my daughter Angel said that she wasn’t going to come home anymore if she had to share a room with her sister.

We thought about moving over the years. It would be nice to have more room. Sharing a room wasn’t so bad when the girls were little. It became harder as they became teenagers. There was a lot of fighting. One was messy, the other was a clean freak. One liked silence to fall asleep, the other liked noise. One liked complete darkness, the other wanted a night light. We had to create a shower chart so the kids wouldn’t fight about that either.

We live in tight quarters. But we were able to live affordably. Our mortgage payment is only $500 a month. Some of you pay a lot more than that for a small apartment. Most of our furniture that we have now is from long deceased relatives…recliners, end tables, love seat, couch, TV, dresser, lamps, pictures on the wall, chairs…free. We bought a hutch and entertainment center from other relatives…cheap. We bought our kitchen table from a rummage sale…cheap. But it is all paid for.

We are moving into a house that will be 85% furnished. Good-bye to all of our old crap! I will miss it, though, even if it is all old and falling apart. I will miss the memories of my grandparents. I will miss seeing the trees that my grandma helped lovingly plant in my backyard. My grandparents are long gone now and won’t have any connection to my new house.

We’ve lived in our house over 18 years. We lived here longer than we lived in our childhood homes. Even though we are moving into our dream house, it is going to be hard to say good-bye. This is the house we raised our children in.

We are the second longest residing family living on our block. I remember when the subdivision across the street was a field.

I’ve been running the same route around my house for a decade now. I know how to avoid dogs. I developed a long standing regular routine.

We’ve always had good neighbors. People know us here.

I know the patterns on our street. I recognize the noises. I could find my way around in the dark.

Now we are being uprooted and everything is going to change. We are moving into unknown territory…a new community.

My daughter will be going to a new school. She is nervous about fitting in. Although not popular, Arabella is friendly and likable. As the school year is winding down, I find myself sad to be ripping her away from all of her friends that she has known forever. I am misty eyed about last concerts or team events.

Arabella is very excited to go to a new school. It takes away some of my fears. She will be going to one of the best public schools in the area. She knows some kids that go there already. I signed her up to take the classroom driver’s ed class this summer in hopes that she will make some new friends before school starts. Her old friends won’t be that far away.

My son is going to finish his senior year at the school he is at now. We will still attend the same church. Some things will remain the same, although it will be a longer drive.

I will miss my house. We made a lot of memories here.

I am very excited about the move, but change has always been a little scary for me.

Sometimes, though, change can be good.

The 5%

/ Outrunning my demons / 5 Comments

If I look back, I would say that I’ve always been a writer of some sort. But is it strange that I never wanted to write a novel?

I wrote a story once when I was in grade school about a grown up version of me that started a home for girls from troubled families. I imagined during the school day that my home for girls was at the school. I don’t remember much about what I wrote. In middle school, I deemed the story as crap and threw it away.

After that I started keeping journal after journal of the darkest years of my life. I have been working on going through them slowly, as not to sink back down.

I started finding pen pals. Some were from foreign countries. I wanted to learn about their lives. There was a girl from Brazil that didn’t write in English. I had the hardest time finding someone to translate Portuguese. The best I could find is someone who knew Spanish. I could only read a line or two from every letter.

Then the internet came along and I got more pen pals(?) using dial up to get on my email.

I still don’t have an interest in writing a novel. I want to write about my own life.

I have had some very deep lows that seemed to sweep the ocean floors. I have had some pretty big highs that launched me out of this very atmosphere. Both are hard to write about honestly.

My experiences have been very unique, but my feelings are universal.

I learned that it is important to do what I want in life regardless of what others think. I live by this motto and refuse to be put in a box. People complain about everything I do anyway. So, who cares?

But yet I struggle.

Last week I lost a friend, my last pen pal from the dial up days. In the almost 20 years that we have been friends, I visited her twice. She unfriended me, along with her husband and daughter.

What is it about me that she didn’t like?? Was it because I took my daughter to the Lana Del Rey concert?? Was it because I visited the Buddhist temples in Thailand? Is it because I like to have fun once in awhile?? I don’t fit very well into the Christian box sometimes. Or maybe it was because I never replied to her last message. I was intending to.

It hurt. I tried to brush off the feelings of rejection.

95% of the time I don’t care what others think of me. It is the 5% that trips me up and prevents me from sharing the full story. I am afraid that you will reject me too. I’ve been feeling troubled about this the last couple of days.

Maybe I shouldn’t share as much as I do.

What are your thoughts?

What do you do?

If I do tell you, maybe you will reject me too.

I want to share my life story with you, but sometimes the 5% holds me back.

A little green

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

img_0392

Yes, I am Irish. I even know the name of my ancestors that came over from Ireland.

I love corned beef and cabbage, but apparently that is not how the Irish celebrate the holiday according to some WP friends that live there. I even heard that St. Patrick is not a real saint. But I am not here to talk about Irish culture because I haven’t a clue. I know how the people in Wisconsin celebrate. Most people wear green and get drunk. Kind of like a Packer game, but in March. Except this year St. Patrick’s Day fell on a Saturday calling out every drunk, moderate, and light drinker.

First of all, over half of America’s most drunkest cities are in my state. There probably would be more if we had more cities. I live near one of the top 5 drunkest cities in America. I might go as far as to say that I live near one of the drunkest cities in the world…a fact I am not proud of, but it is what it is.

I saw something on Facebook the other day about state motto’s. Ours was something like, ‘It’s too cold to be sober’. Here I sit on the first day of spring and our high temps are not going to be above the freezing point.

This year my friend Lisa was in town for St. Patrick’s Day. Our mutual friend Cori invited me out. I kind of had a hankering for corned beef and cabbage with green beer, so I said yes. We haven’t had the chance to get together for 6 months since Lisa moved away. Apparently, Cori and Lisa started celebrating before going out. Then Lisa said she had a tall margarita on the ride there.

Cori told the waitress that when she saw her finger up she was supposed to bring over 2 beers. It seemed like her finger was up about every 15 minutes. Cori told me that she was worried about her adult son. He drinks too much and has blackouts.

The one thing I respect about Cori is that she never drives drunk. She has been bringing her daughter out with her since she got her driver’s license. This is where I have the moral dilemma. Cori told me this past weekend that she created several fake ID’s to get her daughter into bars. Her daughter doesn’t drink. She drives people home that should never get behind the wheel of a car.

I am torn. I am totally against the whole fake ID thing, having someone in high school hang out at bars…What kind of example is that?? But I am for a safe ride home. It’s not like an Uber is easy to get.

I didn’t stay out late that night. I left before things got too crazy. There was a creepy older man dressed in black that kept coming around checking out the women on the dance floor. A woman tapped my arm and said, “You are beautiful” three times. She was young and had green hair. A wig? For a fleeting moment, I felt happy to hear the words spoken by a stranger that were never spoken by my father. I want to be beautiful forever. I grip onto her words vainly as time slips them back through my fingers. I am afraid to get old. The creepy man’s finger nail scratches my back as he steals by.

As I was leaving the parking lot, I saw the creepy old man leave with the nice girl with green hair. Did they arrive together? I feel sad. Is this her life? Why didn’t I say something kind back?

Late the next morning, I had some errands to run with my daughter. Less than a mile from home, we almost got hit by a drunk driver…probably still drunk from the night before. She swerved from the ditch into our lane…slowly weaving in and out as we pulled aside and watched her parade through.

That is St. Patrick’s Day in Wisconsin.

 

Thailand, our fellow travelers 2

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

As you can imagine, I found most of our fellow travelers on the Thailand trip eccentric and adventurous.

Quite a few of our fellow travelers were Asian Americans, but not Thai. Many of the travelers were couples, but not all. There were cousins, parent, child, siblings, co-workers, and friends that traveled together. There was one couple from Peru, the rest were Americans.

No one got sick. No one fought. That’s not to say that everyone got along perfectly.

I didn’t feel like we hit it off really well with the doctor. I think he looked down at us for tanning before the trip. But it was good to know that there was a doctor and several nurses on this trip. What if someone (really me in particular) had an allergic reaction or accident in the middle of nowhere? Although the doctor said he wouldn’t be much help without medicine.

I did learn from the doctor though. His wife and one of their four (adult) children accompanied them on the trip. I thought it was a cool idea to take one child at a time for some special sibling free time alone with the parents. Maybe it would be a good college graduation gift idea.

We met a couple of retired college professors that are spending their time behind the scenes in Chicago theater. One of the guys is an extra in TV shows for fun. They told us to look them up if we were in Chicago and they could tell us what shows are hot. We also met a beautiful dancer/actress who was also traveling with a co-worker who was in wardrobe in NYC for a big TV show.

We met a brother/sister and significant others from Detroit. They were in their 20’s and spent their first whole day in Thailand getting tattoos. They were super adventurous. We hit it off really well with them.

We are now Facebook friends with the couple from Peru and told them that we would love to visit.

We talked to the brothers on the last day. They told us they were planning on missing their flight and staying.

We met a couple in their 60’s that invited us out to supper one night. The man was blunt, crass, and spoke in a way that caused the sailors in us to blush. His wife was pretty laid back. They were hippies back in the 70’s. The guy made and sold pot pipes back in the day. After that, they started another business and work together. We spoke about things that we don’t talk about with others at home. I told the lady about my childhood when she asked how wild I was when I was young. She said when she was in high school, she would drop acid before school. She said she is pretty boring now. She said I needed to let go and live a little.

That is what I was doing. Living a little. Letting go. Getting high on life without using drugs. Starting to follow my dreams of being a world traveler. Talking to others who are doing the same thing. Asking them what their favorite places they have been to in the world. Making connections in different cities, states, countries, and continents. Promising to visit if we ever travel there. Breathing it all in.

Our fellow world travelers were an interesting group. We shared some amazing experiences. We ate rat. We rode elephants. We bargained at the markets. For 10 days we experienced another life together.

Traveling is intoxicating. I want to visit the whole world. I want to see things as they really are. I want to enjoy the world around me wherever I am.

I would even love to visit your world…But, be forewarned! You just might end up in a blog post. Ha ha ha…

Paul’s journey, part 5

/ Outrunning my demons / Leave a comment

Despite not having the best (or even good) grades, Paul went off to college after high school. He went because a friend was going and it seemed like a cool thing to do.

Once he got to college, something strange happened to Paul. He became popular. People liked him. He had a lot of friends. He somehow managed to escape the stigma of childhood and started a new life for himself far away from home. He joined a fraternity, participated in hazing, and became part of the wildlife on campus.

Here are few rescue squad stories…

1) There was a wild party at the frat house one night. The house was jam packed with people everywhere. Paul decided to sneak out the back door to run to the bathroom. When he came back, the room was empty and the phone was ringing. He felt like he was in the twilight zone. He answered the phone to find out it was 911 calling about a shooting. What shooting? Apparently there was a man in the front yard with a hole in his cheek from a botched suicide attempt. After the rescue squad arrived, Paul headed down to his room. He found hundreds of under age party goers squeezed into every nook and cranny who thought the party was getting busted.

2) One night a group of college students thought it would be a great idea to take an old canoe sledding down a hill in the icy snow. It was fun at first. Kids piled in and went at break neck speed down the hill. The last group (for obvious reasons) hit a tree on the way down. They flew out of the canoe. One girl had a broken pelvis, another needed plastic surgery on her face. The night ended with another call to the rescue squad.

 

Hanging out with friends and partying meant the world to Paul during his college years.

There was a dark side to this lifestyle…(besides the previously mentioned harebrained ideas).

His first long term girlfriend broke up with him.

His best friend at home became a quadriplegic. Paul wasn’t there that night the rescue squad was called. His friend Dwayne was camping and partying with friends. Now Dwayne would do anything for a dare, especially if he was drinking. Someone dared him to dive off a dock into shallow water. He broke his neck and almost died that night. There was a long grueling recovery. He never walked again and died young.

He flunked out of college. Paul was forced to take a semester off. People thought he was stupid again. He went back home and worked at the cheese factory on the production line with his mother. It was an awful experience, but it proved to be the spark that he needed to get his life back in order and buckle down.

 

 

 

Annoying annoyances

/ Outrunning my demons / 9 Comments

Today I got annoyed with myself for being so easily annoyed.

I am very hypersensitive. Other people in my family have the same traits. My autistic brother has this to the extreme.

I have extremely good hearing. When people told me that cranking my radio would make me hard of hearing, they lied. I think I will be like my aunt Grace. She couldn’t see a damn thing, but she could hear a pin drop. When I was her caregiver at the end, the noise of having my family around would bother her. She demanded the silence that a young family could not give.

I understand now. I practically wake up during the night when I hear my neighbors down the road fart. Seriously, how annoying is that?? I can hear conversations across the room. I am so distracted by the noise of someone chewing that I have a hard time focusing on what they are saying. I make faces like I am disgusted with them for chewing because I am. I hear noise frequencies that only teenagers and small children are supposed to hear. It drives me insane!

It doesn’t end there…I am also hypersensitive to bright lights. I prefer a dark house. Bright lights in the morning slice through my eyes causing my eyes to squint and water.

I am hypersensitive to touch. I feel the tags scratching my skin. I can feel the slightest mosquito touch. Touch is generally uncomfortable. Aunt Grace was like that too. She didn’t even like the touch of animals.

I am hypersensitive to textures. I will not eat coconut although I like the flavor. Forget mushrooms, onions, and shrimp.

I find it annoying to be annoyed all of the time. It really makes it hard to have relationships with other people. Everything is okay if people don’t touch me or make any noise. Maybe that is why I enjoy my blogging friends so much..

Widows weekend at home

/ Outrunning my demons / 7 Comments

Is it sad that I would rather stay home and clean my house instead of going out with friends? Is something wrong with me? Or am I just getting old??

This is the traditional widows weekend in Wisconsin. Tomorrow is the opening day for deer hunting. Tonight is the night that the girls go out whether their husbands hunt or not.

Tonight I am staying home and cleaning my house.

Growing up I lived in isolation and most of the time I enjoyed that lifestyle. I grew up in a house filled with introverts.

Now I am surrounded by a family of extroverts. There are always people coming and going. My kids constantly ask if friends can come over for the weekend. It is busy, bustling, and loud.

Is it wrong to want silence??

The last couple of times out with friends, I was completely bored. I had to yell over the crappy music of an untalented band. People ran into me and spilled their drinks on me. I have a hard time dancing and having fun if the music sucks. I get hit on, grabbed, and groped by guys that I would have no interest in dating even if I was single.

Even the best of friends sober are annoying when they are drunk and the non-drinkers are a drag to hang out with.

Yesterday I ran into an old friend at the grocery store. I don’t know if she recognized me. I pretended that I didn’t know her. I was in a hurry and didn’t want to waste time talking about superficial things. I hate small talk.

If you are going to be my friend, you will be there in the good times and the bad times.

But frankly, I will probably push you away in the bad times because I don’t like to talk to anyone about my life. I am a very private person although you wouldn’t know it here. It seems safer talking to you folks, all complete strangers, that I have no chance of running into in real life.

Then during the good times, I will be upset that you weren’t there for me in the bad times even though I probably pushed you away.

It’s not that I have social anxiety or poor social skills. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Maybe I am not a good friend.